The census has been completed and lots of interesting and enlightening facts were revealed. Unfortunately, if you're searching for Mr. Perfect at BBW dating sites, you'll find the census was unsuccessful at finding any traces of him.

It should come as no surprise that looking to find your prince charming or superman is probably harder than grabbing a piece of the next $ 100 million Powerball prize. If you haven't done so already, please write this down and tape it to your mirror: Start looking for Mr Almost-Perfect and give up on finding Prince Charming. The factory closed years ago and no candidates are stepping up to apply.

While it is definitely appropriate to go to the internet dating sites to search for suitable dates, they now actually provide a safer place to date. In the early years your digital net may have snagged more than your share of perverts, butt heads and other forms of weirdos. But the dating sites are much better at filtering the pool these days. Now, if you are a single and self assured bbw, you'll be amazed at the responses you'll get from some really cute guys.

Social researchers have reported that more than 60 million people are using the Internet to pursue their goal of finding a romantic partner. And with today's busy schedules that keep getting busier, who has time to try finding a date in the real world? The club scene is way too crowded and it appears the weirdos and profiler training targets for Criminal Minds agents, have decided to troll the offline meat markets these days. No thanks, I'll do my searching online.

Plus, if you ask your girlfriends and coworkers they will most likely confess they have been searching the online dating sites for months. It is really the only way to go these days, especially if you really want to find nice guys who want to meet you too.

So, to get started on a serious search you'll want to prepare before you start trolling for guys. Here are the top three tips for beginning your carefree man-search online:

1. Decide to chart your own course and stick to your guns. Beauty is in the eye of the searcher and your desires are the only one's that matter when you are deciding on the guy who just may spend the rest of his life with you. Don't let your girlfriends color your own ideas. It's your choice and your life so make sure you're not swayed by others ideas about who is right for you.

2. Regardless of the current trends for whose hot and whose not, look below the surface. What this means is age and height and weight definitely make a difference between guys who look like Brad Pitt or Joe Black. However, who's to know which one would make the best match for you? Decide on the real qualities you want in your man and focus on creating a list of "must haves" before you get too hung up on how he'll look in a pair of Speedos.

3. Even though you may be a BBW, don't limit yourself to BBW dating sites only. While it will seem to make sense to target one site over another, don't be afraid to join a variety of dating sites that appeal to you. Create a "real" portfolio that is honest about who you are and post it proudly to start making your contacts. You could be just a dozen or so clicks away from the relationship you have dreamed about.

How Do You Take a Pre-Employment Personality Test?

Very carefully.

When you’re very close to being hired for a job, you will often face one last hurdle. You will be required to log onto a site and take a timed, pre-employment personality test that is supposed to weed out the poor applicants and highlight the best man or woman for the job.

It would be great if it worked that way, but unfortunately, as with all other standardized tests, you need to know how to answer the questions on these tests. Otherwise, you’ll get the question wrong.

They told you that there are no right or wrong answers? I hope you didn’t believe that…it’s a lie. There is only one right answer for each question and this article will help you to identify what they’re actually asking. That way, you can choose the best answer. It won’t make all the answers crystal clear, but it will help to weed out the ones that are blatantly wrong.

What are They REALLY Asking?

Let’s go through a couple of example True/False questions:

Is it wrong for someone to escape conviction on a technicality?

You may be inclined to say True. If someone is guilty they should probably go to jail. But what they’re really asking is if you believe in our justice system. That would make the answer False.

I always loveto be in large, noisy crowds.

You may not always like to be in large noisy crowds, so you might answer False. What they’re really asking is whether or not you like people and can deal with it at work when it is busy. That makes the answer True.

I get along with everyone.

No one gets along with everyone. Everyone know this. If you’re answering the test honestly, as you have been told to do, you’ll admit this. But that’s not really what they’re asking. They’re asking if you are able to get along with most people, especially customers and co-workers. Even if you don’t, you’ll pretend to for the sake of your paycheck. So, you need to answer this question and anyone like it as True.

Taking extra supplies home that we don’t use at work is a good way to recycle.

The word recycle sounds good, and many of us know that there are things that are never, EVER used at work. However, without specific permission, you never, EVER take anything from work. The answer to this is False.

I know people who steal.

We all do, right? So you’re going to answer True. What the question is really asking is “Are you honest or do you hang out with thieves?” That makes the correct answer False.

I work well with direct supervision.

While you may work well under direct supervision, they real question is whether or not you need direct supervision, or will you slack off. The answer to this question is False.

What you need to keep in mind as you take a Pre-Employment Personality Test is the underlying question. There is a significant amount of double talk going on in these tests, so try to figure out what they’re really asking, and don’t worry about sparing anyone’s feelings. By trying to be Mr. Nice-Guy you’re only going to let someone else have the job you deserve.

Every woman has had her eye on or dated the type of guy I’m talking about here. You are never really sure where you stand with him or what his interest level really is. Call him Mr. Flake, Mr. Player, Mr. Self Absorbed or Mr. Afraid of Commitment. Whatever his romantic style, it’s just leaving you confused, frustrated and wondering what’s really going on in his mind. So, let’s spotlight the warning signs to look out for when a guy simply is not that into you or playing you.

The Physical Signs

He’ll avoid eye contact, his body is positioned away from you, his arms are folded tightly over his chest, he does not encourage conversation or volunteers anything about himself. He maintains his distance.

The Emotional Signs

You’ve been dating for at least 6 months. He still can’t say he loves you or wants to talk about his feelings in regards to you. If you have a guy who is constantly telling you that he does not love you, is not in love with you, is not sure how he feels and does not see a future with you after the 6 month mark, believe him. I feel that is a good marker of time for him to know where he sees this going and if he is developing strong feelings for you or loves you. When a guy is into you, he’ll want to let you know how he feels when he is sure that you feel the same way. If he can’t do that, start re-assessing what you are still doing with him.

He Ignores or Shows You Disrespect

If he is ignoring you or disrespects you by putting down your values, thoughts and ideas, he’s just not interested in you or in a relationship with you. Don’t waste your time on a guy who does that and focus your attention on a guy who focuses on you.

He Shoots Down Your Social Invitations

This should be a clear sign to about 99% of women out there that he’s not interested in getting to know you better or pursuing anything further. Trust me ladies, the first time he declines your offer to hang out you could give him the benefit of the doubt. But when it’s many times in a row, he’s usually not that busy, he just doesn’t want to see you and is trying to be nice about it. If a guy is interested, he’ll be happy to schedule a rain check or follow up with an invitation of his own. He’s never too busy to make time for someone he really wants to have in his life.

Mr. Player aka The Honeymooner

I call this guy the honeymooner because of how long things remain fabulous while dating this guy. The first few weeks or month is sheer bliss. This guy starts off real aggressive, hot and heavy. He can’t see you often enough, calls all the time and declares his love for you early on. He’s so romantic, thoughtful and attentive that you think you’ve hit the love jackpot and won. He woos you with promises of a happy future together, taking you to great hotspots, cooking you dinner, and being that great listener who wants to share your hopes and dreams. You think he seems too good to be true. Well, he is. This guy is a classic neophiliac. He loves the thrill of the chase, and is enamored with the novelty of you. Once that has worn off and he has gotten what he wants, he sets his sights on the next pretty girl. How to protect yourself from this guy? Don’t fall for the lines and behavior right away. Take your time before investing your heart and proceed slowly. Make sure that he means what he says. And the best way to do that is to let time be your guide. Usually these guys don’t want to put in the work to develop anything long term so you’ll know in a short period of time if his words mean anything.

Mr. Flake

This one is characterized by constantly flaking out on you at the last minute. If a guy stands you up, blows you off or shows up late, he does not have respect for your time and plans. Bottom line, he does not respect you and does not care whether or not you are in his life.

Mr. Afraid of Commitment

You go on a great couple of dates, things are going wonderfully, you feel the chemistry, you click on so many different levels and then you never hear from him again. He’s never able to discuss his feelings or freaks out and distances himself when you express how your feelings for him have grown. He’s truly afraid of intimacy and what follows with it. So, you try not to pressure him and accept the flow of things because you think maybe if you give him time he’ll come around and choose you. You may be involved with a guy who falls in this category for months or even years and whenever the subject of a future pops up, he asks you what’s the rush, says he’s not ready, he needs more time, etc. Whatever his excuse for not committing, it’s tying you to a relationship that has hit a brick wall. It either moves forward or it does not. It’s his right to stay in limbo but it’s also your right not to have to wait around for him to commit. You can move on or at least date others in the interim until he does figure out what he wants. He may never figure it out or choose you but at least you aren’t wasting good dating years on an emotionally stunted and unavailable guy. Some men just can’t commit, are players, have fears of commitment due to bad past relationships, want to remain bachelors, or like you but not enough to choose you for a committed, long lasting relationship. If only we could tap into the mind of his therapist for his reasons for pushing away many good women who have loved him. But, the real deal is, when a guy is head over heels for a woman and loves her fully, he does not want to lose her and would rather step to the plate and commit than risk her walking out of his life. If he’s willing to watch you walk away, you know it’s time to kick him to the curb and keep on stepping.

Mr. Taken

Whether this guy is involved in another relationship with a girlfriend or wife, he should be off limits. Yet so many women are lured by the seduction of his words and think he’ll eventually dump the other woman and choose them. They are told the other woman is a witch, mean, does not understand them, is psycho and won’t leave him alone. Or, he says to you that their relationship has a lot of problems, they fight constantly, he is no longer sleeping with the girlfriend or wife, he’s staying only for financial reasons or the children. The best lie of all: he’s planning on divorcing or leaving his wife or girlfriend very soon, just be patient. Now, months or years are passing by and his promises are not worth the paper they were written on. Women are natural nurturers and they want to take care of other people. Many feel that they can prove that with affection, attention and caring that they are different than the other person in his life and that is what he really needs. They believe his lies. A relationship based on a deception is not one that can have a real future because if he can cheat or lie to someone else to be with you, he can also do the same thing to you in the future.

If you fool yourself into believing you are special and the exception, then you are living in a fantasy world. And the only happy ending that can come from living in an alternate reality is creating a relationship with a guy who never existed in the first place. If he truly cared about you, he’d end his other relationship before beginning one with you. Best way to avoid this scenario? Tell him to contact you once he’s ended his other relationship and not a day before. And, stick to that. Don’t be afraid to tell him that if he continues to contact you that you will tell his girlfriend or wife about the two of you. That fear is enough to make most taken guys run for the hills. If you find out later in the relationship that he is not single like he claimed, end it immediately and don’t look back. It’s called dating with integrity. If you can’t end it on your own or he keeps trying to draw you back in with false promises, seek the help of a therapist to regain your strength and courage to end a toxic relationship that will only erode your self-esteem, confidence and self love. When you allow yourself to enter a relationship based on a deception where you are not his main priority, you are setting yourself up for being used. He’s not into you, he’s just into how he can use you to give him what he is not getting at home from the girlfriend or wife.

You Never See Him More Than a Few Days in Advance

This means he is trying to keep his schedule open in case something better comes along. The classic MO of a player. A guy who’s really into you will want to keep you off the market a week to 2 weeks in advance because he can tell you’re a great catch and does not want anyone else to occupy your time. If he’s never available on the weekends or occasions that are reserved as date nights, know you’re just a passing phase or flavor of the moment.

He Only Comes to See You Late at Night

Ah, the definition of a booty call: the guy who is too busy to see you during daylight hours but has time to swing by for a quick hook up. Unless he’s a workaholic that only gets out of work at midnight, don’t fall for it. Even then, he can still afford to take you out during his day off or on the weekend. If you are not seeing a guy who works crazy hours and it’s just the time he sets aside to see you, then be forewarned that you have a booty call pattern on your hands. It’s a way for him to get his sexual needs met and not commit to a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You deserve to be taken out properly to restaurants, movies, and shows. You didn’t sign up to be kept in the closet. So, make sure you let him know that by not accepting meetings that only occur behind closed doors in the A.M.

Friends with Benefits

A step up from the booty call based relationship but still not what most women want when they get involved with a guy they see a future with. A friends with benefits relationship is when

you both agree to be sex buddies with no strings attached and can both see or date other people. If you are looking for a serious relationship, don’t accept or settle for this type of arrangement. He’s just keeping his options open and eyes peeled for the right woman, while using you for a fun romp in the sack. He’s letting you know clearly that you are not the “one” but instead are Ms. Right now until someone better comes along. Also, it’s very rare that a friends with benefits arrangement does not lead to one person walking away hurt because one person always develops stronger feelings and wants to change the relationship dynamics. Why settle for a regular hook up when you can hold out for a guy who is sure about you and wants you around exclusively?

You Never Meet His Friends or Family

Some guys will wait at least 6 months or more of dating to make sure that you are someone special before letting his entourage meet you. If a guy is serious about you, he’ll want everyone to know about you and will have no problem introducing you to his friends, coworkers and family. If you watch the calendar months go by and this still has not happened, you are being kept a secret and you have to wonder why. Is he really single or is he still unsure about your future together? You owe it to yourself to find out what’s going on.

He Does Not Call You Back the Same Day or Answers His Phone When You Call

When a guy is really into you, he does not screen his calls for your number. He’ll pick up on the first ring or call you back within hours. When you see a pattern of days going by without a return phone call, you are not high on his priority list. Basically, you are being avoided. Another sign of a player or guy who is not invested in your relationship is one who never answers the phone in your presence. If you see his phone constantly on vibrate or you visit his place and his answering machine is set to low volume or mute, he’s definitely still playing the field and chatting up new women.

Internet Communication Siberia

Before, he used to spend hours chatting with you online and writing you great emails. Now you realize that not only are you blocked from his buddy list but he also does not respond to your emails. Enough said.

He’s Hitting On or Hooking Up with Other Women

If you’ve been seeing a guy for a little while and you are hearing rumors or catching him hooking up with other women or still maintaining inappropriate contact with exes, then you know he’s not ready to settle down and choose you. If he’s also hitting on your friends or asking you if your friend is available to go out with him, it’s a surefire way to know without a shadow of a doubt that he’s not interested in being with you.

He Disappears for Days, Weeks or Months at a Time

This sign is usually self-explanatory but I cannot begin to tell you how many readers of my advice column find themselves in this predicament and think that he still is invested in their relationship and cares about them. Any guy that does not make time for you and pulls a disappearing act on you is not that into you, is seeing other people or is not ready to commit to one person. So, if you find yourself dealing with a guy who comes and goes from your life without a word, give him the boot once and for all and don’t look back. Your time and energy is better spent on a guy who wants to stick around and be a part of your life.

You Are Never Invited Over to His Place

Either he is living with someone or is not invested in a relationship with you. Any guy who is interested in a woman will bring her over to his place so she can see his private sanctuary away from the daily grind.

He Never Discusses Your Future or Makes Vacation Plans

Every guy has a life before meeting you. They schedule trips with their buddies, have guys nights out and are living the bachelor life. When a relationship is getting serious and has a future or is getting serious, he’ll start talking about the things he wants to do with you, places to go together and makes plans to manifest those dreams. His buddies take up less of his time and he’ll put you on center stage. If he does not even bring up future plans or where he sees your relationship headed, realize that this may just be a seasonal romance.

He Encourages You to Date Other People

If he encourages you to date others and not wait around for him, it’s because he does not see a future with you and wants to be free to date others as well.

He Does Not Share in the Dating Expenses

If you are the one footing the bill for all of your events and outings, the guy is only into you for what he can get out of you.

He Does Not Remember or Celebrate the Events or Dates that Matter to You

Some guys really do have a bad memory but if it’s important to you, he will make a real effort to remember the big moments. They’ll do whatever it takes: post it notes, birthday alarms, etc to make sure not to forget. When he does not take the time to acknowledge and celebrate your birthday, anniversary or a major event in your relationship with a gift, a call, flowers or even candy, it shows that he is just not into you. No one says he has to shell out a lot of clams to make the day special but the planning and effort to do what is within his budget and time is what counts. It’s all about creativity!

Silent Treatment

The king of all signs is the silent treatment. It begins by pulling away slowly, by emotionally or physically withdrawing from the relationship. When a guy is just not interested in a future, he stops calling (if he ever called at all), changes his phone number, the visits become less and less frequent, and emotionally he has already packed his bags and booked the flight to singlesville.

If you are recognizing many of these symptoms in your guy, it’s time to move on. Actions speak louder than words. If he’s just not putting in the effort he used to to make your relationship work, it’s time to sit up and take notice. When a guy is telling you with his words that he’s not interested or ready for what you need and showing you in his actions that you are not his top priority, don’t ignore the message. Hold your head up high and keep moving forward with your life, without him. Time is so precious and time waits for no one. Once it’s lost, we cannot get it back. So make sure you are giving your time to men who are worth the investment. At the end of the day, it’s about finding a love match that treats you right and wants to spend quality time with you. When you settle for less than that and waste your time on Mr. Wrong, you are selling yourself short on what you deserve.

A dear friend from my childhood recently informed that he just crossed off his bucket list an item that brought back a lot of memories from our teenage years. Nearly thirty years ago on the way home from an Alice Cooper concert in Cincinnati, he told me that he one day wanted to have a pet snake like the boa constrictor that had just shared the stage with our favorite rock star.

My friend now three decades later had sent me a photo of the serpent he planned to purchase, and he told me that he was going to name it Angel in honor of the snake Alice used in his shows. I replied that, even though it was indeed the name given to Cooper’s pet back then, I thought Angel was a disappointing moniker for a snake.

Instead, I suggested that he choose a better name, while at the same time still pay homage to Alice Cooper. Here are the list of eight potential names for a snake, all which have some connection to the man who was born Vince Furnier before his rock and roll career took off.

Cold Ethyl

Assuming the slithering pet is female, the title of this track from Welcome To My Nightmare would be a perfect name for a snake.

Killer

Cooper’s third album is called Killer, and its cover features only a snake.

Black Widow

Vincent Price made a five minute narrative praising this insect as an intro to the song, and snakes are at least as scary as this bug.

Mr. Nice Guy

One of Cooper’s most enduring hits, a smash from the Billion Dollar Babies album, could serve as a satirical name for a pet snake.

Nightmare

This word would certainly come to mind to any visitor who might happen to encounter my friend’s new pet, though it might not be a welcomed sight.

Desperado

One of Cooper’s early minor hits, this title from the Killers record applies to a pet that most people will not accept.

Dwight Frye

A character from Love It To Death, Frye offers a portrait of a deranged, dangerous man who has the child-like charm of a snake.

Neethgie

Cooper first gained fame for the hit “Eighteen” from Love It To Death in 1972, back when my friend and I were close to that age. A number being an awkward name for a snake, and now closer to that number reversed, I recommend calling the snake that number spelled backward.

Yeah, yeah. It’s absolutely true that online dating worked out pretty well for me, ultimately. But having given it some thought, I wanted to come clean with you about something. It’s not like every single date was a blissful stream of perfection.

Sure, I met lots of great women and had a blast for several years…culminating in meeting Emily on Match.com. But along the way, especially at the beginning, I certainly encountered my share of sometimes hilarious and sometimes downright nightmarish situations.

Here are the four most memorable ones:

1) Not What The Doctor Prescribed

Very shortly after my divorce in 1992, I received a “spam” message in my inbox that I actually responded to. Believe it or not, I hadn’t even heard of online dating before. This ad claimed I could meet the woman of my dreams on their site, so I was intrigued.

The next thing you know, I had ponied up however much they charged and began looking through the pictures of women they had listed.

To be honest, this was not exactly the most well-traveled site on the ‘net. Who knew there was a Match.com out there? So inevitably, I found exactly one woman who seemed interesting to me-a brown-eyed blondie with a friendly smile.

I emailed her, probably with something lame like “You seem nice. Maybe we could get along. Would you like to talk?”. Remember, this was Day One for me in the online dating world.

Call it “beginner’s luck, but she wrote back. Crazy, huh?

Well, one thing led to another, and there we were sitting across the table from one another at dinner. The fact that I shouldn’t have been paying for dinners here has long since been duly noted and is sort of beside the point, so please overlook that for now and read on.

Midway through dinner, she starts talking about her medical problems.

Never talk about your medical problems on a first date. I don’t care if you’ve known the person for ten years, let alone ten minutes.

Between bites of whatever I was eating, she was bragging about how she had chronic kidney stone issues and how tough she was for being able to pass them without even flinching nowadays.

Unfortunately, she took my casual attempt to divert the discussion as disbelief.

“You don’t believe I get kidney stones? Here…look…”

Already having started digging in her purse, she soon produced a small medicine vial.

I thought to myself, “This chick has to be kidding. I believe her, already. She doesn’t have to prove her case by showing me her prescription.”

I should have been so lucky.

Pressing down and twisting the child-proof cap, the bottle opened and the contents were soon poured into her hand.

“See, look at this…it has to be at least the size of a pea, right?”

With a freshly French-manicured thumb and forefinger, she produced the largest unit from an impressive collection of similar objects she was holding.

Yes. It was the largest kidney stone she had ever passed.

This woman collected her kidney stones. And she took them with her everywhere, apparently.

I don’t remember what I said or did, really. But I do remember there was a second date, believe it or not.

2) Not A Strip Mall, Sweetie

Not long after the “kidney stone chick”, I met another woman from the same site. She was a Hispanic cutie with perfect skin and a booty that would have made Sir Mix-A-Lot slam on the brakes. She said “sweetie” a lot.

I hadn’t learned the part about not taking women to expensive dinners on first dates yet, so there were at one of the nicer sushi joints in San Antonio.

She was terrific. She was intelligent and loved to laugh. Above and beyond that, she was a great flirt. Clearly she was digging me.

We had ordered two glasses of red wine, and conversation turned to what she did for a living.

“So you said you were ‘self-employed’. What exactly do you do?”, I asked.

While she answered, I took a sip of Merlot. And it was right then that I discovered that all those slapstick “spit takes” you see on old-school comedy sketches are rooted in factual reality.

It took all I had in reserve not to spew grape juice all over everything.

“I run a chain of strip clubs, Sweetie.”, she had announced matter-of-factly.

Sitting before me was a decidedly classy woman, who I had picked up from a decent home in a nice neighborhood.

“You mean, like a strip mall…right…with the nail salons, a tanning place and a Chinese restaurant.”

“No, silly! LOL! I mean like…you know…strip clubs. The kind with girls.”

Now if you know my style at all by now, you already realize the date was as good as over.

Yet, it was like a train wreck. I couldn’t look away.

And I asked the inevitable question.

“Yes, well…my ex ran the day-to-day operations and I pretty much handled the books. But he let the ‘interview process’ go a little too far too often, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I got the business in the divorce settlement.”

It was then, I told her the truth.

“I’ve never been to one of those places in my life, and I see no reason to start now.”

Uh oh.

I may has well have lit a roman candle. That chick practically attacked me as soon as we left the restaurant. I tried to handle things as best as I knew how at the time, but let’s just say she wasn’t a happy camper.

When I got home, she had already e-mailed me the buck-naked pics from her “Adult Friendfinder” profile (which was my first introduction to that particular reality). “This is what you missed out on. GOOD LUCK!!!” was the only line accompanying the pics.

3) June Carter Cash Or Charge

I should have known better, considering the one pic she had attached to her profile was a blurry one.

And in my heart of hearts, I really did know better. Suspecting this particular date may not go so well, I invited her to dinner (yeah, yeah…hardheaded wasn’t I?) at 5.30p.

I walked into the Chili’s or TGIFridays or whatever it was, and immediately got that nauseous feeling that every single online dater experiences at one point or another. Specifically, the one where you see someone waiting alone at a table over there who vaguely resembles the person you were expecting to meet about as much as a piece of burnt toast resembles the perfectly good slice of bread you threw in the toaster and forgot about.

My honest-to-goodness first thought was, “OMG…who replaced the woman with the nice smile in the profile with June Carter Cash!”

I was too much of a “Mr. Nice Guy” to turn tail and skip town immediately, so I gathered my intestinal fortitude and approached the table.

Conversation was stilted from the very beginning. She began to make a feeble attempt at flirting.

The woman was at least 55 years old. And not a very attractive 55-year-old at that.

She was dressed in solid black stuff with lots of stainless steel crap and fringes on it, like she was some dust-farting legend from “The Grand Ole’ Opry” or something.

The thickness of her Texas accent was eclipsed only by the thickness of her black eyeliner.

Finally, she excused herself to the ladies room, offering me a blessed reprieve from impending regurgitation.

It was then the waiter came to the table asking me if I wanted another beer. “NO!” I proclaimed, soon apologizing for the brusque tone neither he nor I had anticipated.

“OK, um…how about your mom?

“What?”

“Would your mom like another beer?”

Suddenly reminded that one must take oneself much less seriously in order to derive the greatest enjoyment out of life, I burst out laughing.

I was still recovering when Mrs. Cash returned to the table.

Having ordered a small garden salad (after all, who could eat?), my focus pretty much turned to saying as little as possible in hopes that she would friggin’ finish eating.

I had already called for the check and ended up excusing myself to go find the waiter and pay it, already.

Finally, leaving, I parted ways with her at the table and wished her well. There was no way I was going to risk the awkwardness of walking her to her car. My inherent sense of chivalry was in fact overwhelmed by utter disgust, without apology.

Arriving home at the advanced hour of 6:30, I was greeted once again by a “post date” e-mail. In her vitriolic message to me, Mrs. Cash had “charged” me with a series of offenses that clearly roused her deepest sense of hurt and anger. Among the more particularly hilarious ones was the pronouncement that I was “obviously gay” because I failed to see her as attractive.

Were she the last woman on earth, she may have been right about that.

Incidentally, I finally learned my lesson and quit that particular dating site…forever.

4) Cook For Your Drunk

She was a very cute kindergarten teacher of Lebanese ethnicity. She was also a total sweetheart. Realizing her pics consistently got 9.5s on HotOrNot.com, I threw the dice and let her come to my place so I could cook for her.

There were no disappointments. She was exactly my type. And she was already being touchy/feelie/smiley enough that I knew this was going to go really well.

I mixed her an “Apple-tini”.

“Oh my! This is GOOOD!” she said. Noticing her glass was empty, I refreshed it for her.

The glass was empty again the next time I looked over at her. Right then, making eye contact with her, she skipped over to me, threw her arms around my neck and started biting me with a giggle.

This chick was perhaps 110 pounds with a full tank of fuel. (in other words, she was probably 110 pounds at that moment). So I decided maybe two drinks were enough.

But nevertheless, when I wasn’t paying attention she had found some raspberry stuff in my stash and had begun mixing vodka with it.

Ten minutes later, dinner was finished…and it was spectacular, if I may say so myself.

But she was nowhere to be found.

It was then I remembered she had excused herself to the bathroom.

I went to check on her and she had vomited (thankfully with tremendously accurate aim) into the commode, and was presently passed out on the floor. Whatever.

Managing to wake her up, her groggy self agreed to let me carry her to the bedroom and let her sleep it off…which she did.

I ate dinner alone, watching SportsCenter. The Spurs had lost, no less.

She woke up 8 hours later, found me asleep on the couch, and had made me breakfast by the time I woke up. It was a great breakfast. She clearly had a sense that I was a man whom she could feel safe with. There was a second date.

Obviously, I learned some things from my early online dating misadventures. My evening with he Lebanese cutie actually happened about six months before I met Emily, so that only proves you gotta stay on your toes at all times. Actually, that one was probably less of an “online dating disaster” per se and more of an issue of guarding my liquor stash from pent-up school teachers!

In this article you will learn some key pointers and some of the best street martial arts techniques from a variety of fighting styles, providing with the crucial skills needed to keep you alive in the event of an actual attack.

The best street martial arts technique I ever learned is trapping. By using this type of move, you are actually trapping your adversary’s extremities, keeping him or her from being able to attack. One way to accomplish this is to wrap an arm around your assailant, keeping his or her arms pinned to the body, and perform numerous strikes to the body and face with your free hand.

Another technique from this list of martial arts moves is to stay away from fancy kicks like in Tae Kwon Do! Although some martial artists seem to think that the flashy Taekwondo-style high kicks work, THEY REALLY DON’T! Think about it – does it really make any sense to commit ANY action that will most likely leave yourself and your balance completely vulnerable to your assailant? Of course not! Avoid high kicks at all costs, and pick targets such as the knees, shins and groin.

One more best street martial arts technique is any counterattack to sensitive areas of the body that can create the most damage possible to your attacker. Merit badges for “sportsmanlike conduct” will NOT be given! Remember that this is LIFE OR DEATH, and the LAST thing you should be doing is holding back! This means you NEED to be smashing the throat, gouging the eyes, kneeing the groin, biting, clawing – in other words do whatever the heck it takes to get a mugger or rapist off of you! Keep in mind that in many instances “second place” in a street fight equals DEATH! Time to STOP playing “Mr. Nice Guy,” or “Miss Nice Gal!”

Another best street martial arts technique is to stick to the basics. Don’t use over complicated techniques always remember popping someone in the nose makes their eyes water. Make your strike quick, hard, and up close and personal. If you find yourself reaching to far to try and land a punch, regroup and focus more on attacks that double as blocks for your increased protection.

Don’t be afraid to utilize your martial arts training. Stick to the moves you are most familiar with and have the most practice with. Hopefully, prior to any actual fight, you will have had the opportunity to get training in as many various fighting styles as possible.

Keep yourself in physical conditioned, too, by getting consistent exercise (that incorporates weightlifting) about four times per week. Staying alive during an actual assault will depend LARGELY on what shape you are in physically. You want to get your body into good enough condition to be able to handle the stress of a full on fight!

OK, that title was pretty pathetic, but again, so is bad breath. Seriously, we all know someone around us that has chronic bad breath. The little voice in your head says to bear and grin it and not let the individual know about his or her situation.

Once in a while, you offer to do some poor sap a favor by letting him/her know that they have outstandingly foul breath. The individual looks somewhat taken off-balance for a little while, and then smiles awkwardly and says thanks (and then runs for the nearest convenience store for some breath mints).

Look, a poor breath remedy is very simple to come by nowadays whether you have occasional to persistent and chronic horrible breath. Here’s secret product number 1. Ready? A toothbrush! Yes brushing your teeth after every meal is still contemporary. Brushing your tongue can also destroy some bad odors.

In fact there are expert products in the arena called tongue scrapers that are made for this purpose. Floss often, and use one of those water piks if you have them also to get rid of stray items that you don’t want to build up on your teeth and gums.

OK, the tone of this article has been harsh so far. Time to switch on Mr. Nice-Guy. For some folks, they have a genuine problem with bad breath that goes beyond the aforementioned maintenance routines. Things that go beyond masking the bad breath with mints or chewing gum.

For these chronic circumstances, even dentists may have trouble with finding a proper long term weapon for you believe it or not. As a result of this trend, crappy breath clinics are being setup all over the place to address this embarrassing but rather common problem. If you or someone you know has troublesome horrible breath problems, then maybe this is the route you want to think about.

Do the world a favor and tell someone (if they need it) to get a crappy breath remedy of their choosing. And if that individual happens to be yourself, then well you know what to do.

The Friend Zone.

You’ve been talking to her on the phone for a few months, sending her text messages every day; she always replies. You have long conversations about everything under the sun and you’re thinking “I like her… she must like me, she’s giving all the signs”

At night in your lonesome bed, you imagine ripping her clothes off, throwing her on the bed and giving her the time of her life, making love all night, satisfied passionate lovers.

But wait, this is just a dream; it’s all your fantasy and you have no idea if she feels the same way about you. She seems interested and she’s not running away so, maybe, just maybe she is interested. Finally, when you can no longer contain your feelings, you tell her how you feel. And, that’s when she says;

“Oh, you’re so sweet, that’s so nice of you to tell me, (horribly long pause) BUT, (another long pause) I just don’t see you that way, I just see you as a friend, a good friend. I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression, LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS.” Ouch!

That painful reply is such so universal it even has its own abbreviation; LJBF, along with its own definition in urban dictionaries. Could this have been avoided? Maybe not. But here’s how you should deal with this next time it happens.

I recently read a very good piece of advice on what to do when a woman LJBF’s you. It went something like this:

“If a girl ever blocks advancing the relationship by saying, “No, let’s just be friends,” say, “No, I have lots of friends. See you later.”

By remaining in this kind of relationship, you give the impression that you are someone who has nothing better to do than hang around with a girl who has absolutely no interest in you. And why are you hanging around? Are you hoping she will change her mind? Well I would like to remind you of a quiet little secret for when you find yourself in this situation;

THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO GO YOUR WAY WITH THIS WOMAN (was that loud enough for you?). All your fantasies will remain exactly that, FANTASIES. So get out before your poor soul dies.

Why is the Friend Zone to be avoided at all costs? Psychologist Jeremy Nicholson, the Attraction Doctor, says:

“When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn’t even. The other person is getting everything he/she wants… but the person stuck in the friend zone isn’t,”

Yeah, many of us have been there, shelling out money for dinners, travelling to the other end of the universe just to see her, playing the therapist by listening to how she has been mistreated by this jerk and that jerk.

You’re doing everything she asks, spending a lot of your free time with her, just because you’re afraid to tell her “NO I’M BUSY”, only because you’re worried that you might screw up your chances.

And what do you get in return for your deep loyalty? NADA… Oh forgive me, my mistake, you do get one reward, you get to drool longingly over her. But nothing more than drooling is going to happen because she only views you as her little brother, while on the other hand she’s banging some other guy who treats her half as well as you do. Ugh!

Don’t go there in the first place.

Yeah I said it; DO NOT GO THERE. Learn to read the signs and know beforehand when you’re getting near to the Friend Zone Entrance. Here are some basic tips to help you make sure you avoid the Friend Zone Phenomenon entirely.

1. No More Mr Nice Guy!

Yes, we covered this one already, but if you have a tendency to play Mr Nice, then you’re a prime target for the Friend Zone, and here’s why. A guy who is too nice doesn’t want to upset the apple cart or rock the boat or ruffle anyone’s feathers or cause a scene, particularly when it comes to a woman he SECRETLY likes.

This means you’ll try to avoid making her uncomfortable at any cost, but usually doing so at your own expense by not communicating your own needs. You’re romantically attracted to her, but you don’t want to “pressure” her into a relationship or “ruin” the friendship by making a move, so you end up holding back.

The trouble with this is that you are unintentionally communicating to her that your own feelings don’t matter much. You’re really blowing your chances by inaction, because it’s telling her that you’re not into her in that way. So because you’re afraid to risk stepping on her shoes, you’ve shot yourself in in the foot. Ouch!

2. Stop Being Poor Mr NEEDY!

Women smell desperation from several kilometres away, and if you’re willing to do anything, anything, anything to be in a relationship with her, you’re probably coming off as very desperate. That’s right I said VERY. Desperation is definitely an attraction KILLER.

Instead, step back and be less interested. The relationship is already imbalanced because you obviously value it far more than she does.

Desperate people end up taking what others give to them, and it’s usually not what they really desire. So be ready to walk away if you don’t get the relationship you want. Exercise the “Least Interested Principle”, where those who are willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship. Make yourself scarce.

Here is some seasoned advice. “when you see yourself approaching the LJBF-land with a woman, cut off all contact with her, completely, totally, for several months. When you come back you can start again, like hitting the refresh button. Then begin by not acting like a ‘close friend… ‘

At first sight this might seem BRUTAL, but it isn’t. You were in this situation not to be friends; you wanted more and ended up with “let’s just be friends”. If you continue with this relationship, you are being dishonest with yourself because you really want her in a different way. In other words you’re LIVING A LIE, and guess what? You’re also lying to HER, giving her the impression that you want to be just friends, when deep down you don’t. The relationship is dishonest and inauthentic.

So make yourself scarce for a while, spend more time with other people, do things for yourself. It might be hard at first, but as you get into it you’ll feel better because you actually get your life back, doing things you love purely for the joy of it. Then, if she misses you, you’ll soon know about it.

This space will give her the time to appreciate how good she had it when you were around to cater to her every whim. There is an effect called the “scarcity principle” where people value something that is rare or taken away from them. You know the old saying, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s GONE’.

This should make her realise that she values you, and might prompt her to give you what you need in the relationship, but if this doesn’t happen, it’s time to move on. Find someone new

If you find you’re expending lots of effort in trying get things moving further and she is giving hardly anything or next to nothing, then it’s safe to say you’re not going to get anywhere with this one. It’s time to pack your bags. Know when you’re not wanted in that way and MOVE ON.

3. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket!

You know what that means, right? Don’t hang ALL your hopes on one person. After all, there is no commitment or exclusivity as you are no more than friends.

So get out and start meeting with other women who you are attracted to, and then tell her about what you’ve been doing. This creates competition and can cause a bit of jealousy. Additionally, your time will be scarce because you will be too busy to see her.

Scarcity will indicate to her that she could lose you to other women. If she gets jealous or seems eager to get your time and attention, you might have turned things around. If she seems indifferent, there’s only one answer. WALK, and stay away. Don’t end up in the Friend Zone.

4. Be the DON; Create Physical Attraction! And Take Action

Spark chemistry by becoming physically attractive and focused on your confidence. When you are just friends with someone it often becomes OK to not bother dressing up and to let your hair down a bit too much.

I once browsed a female friend’s book about beauty. It was a book written by non other than Sophia Loren. In the Forward of the book, she wrote something like, ‘Beauty is Hard Work’ (and we all thought Sophia Loren just HAS it). I believe what she said, just think of how much effort women you know put in, so they can be attractive.

I think the same goes for us guys. Too many of us want to be able to attract beautiful women but are unwilling to put the TIME in, the time it takes to look our best, to be well groomed, to eat healthily, to work out etc. The effort is a MUST, as it will be a good part of your arsenal for attracting the women you want.

If you put effort into your appearance and remain confident, you seem more like a potential date instead of a potential buddy (This goes for flirting too! Stop acting like a friend and act like a potential partner by flirting and being affectionate).

Make moves. What says “I want to date you” more than asking the person out on a date? At the end of the date, if it went well, go in for the kiss and ask for a second date, advises Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. It shows you’re interested!

This advice might seem slightly over the top, but this is straight from the horse’s mouth, from a woman who knows what she’s talking about. Now how can you resist going in for that kiss? Let her know this is more than friendship.

Over to you

OK, this is where we stop for the moment. I think there is enough insight to last you a while. I promise you, if you start to ACT on these proven strategies, you will start seeing immediate differences in how you are received, even by women who THINK they know you.

I used to be a regular church goer, and when I started practising this stuff, well things went crazy, I had my fellow church women, blowing me kisses, flirting with me, telling me my personality had changed, being much nicer to me, giving ME gifts, cooking for me, it was a whole new world.

But, more importantly, I could see the difference in how outside women looked at me, total strangers in the street, or whoever I interacted with, women of ALL ages, it was as if I was a different person. Actually I noticed the change toward me in people in general; they could see that SPARK. This led to girlfriends galore and crazy female competition over who got the popular guy.

There was also a dark side; jealous guys wanting to be more ALPHA came my way to prove they were better, tougher, and more of a man. That’s what I call a high quality problem, one that didn’t exist when I had no confidence. But you will learn how to deal with these things.

The overall effect will be a much happier you, far less worried about how you are perceived by the outside world, which will attract women to you as well as all sorts of other benefits…

I urge you, act TODAY, and keep persisting, you won’t regret it.

Yes, here we are. You see, dating can sometimes be a crazy business. We may only make conscious effort to avoid some mistakes that puts women off. Take note, there is hardly anyone who is a master at this, we all learn through our mistakes, and sometimes its too costly to be undone. So let us share more ideas to learn from…

1). DON’T CONVINCE HER TO LIKE YOU

NO, don’t worry about convincing her to like you. Your ways and manners is what determines her reaction towards you. Women are highly sensitive and they react more to emotions. So it is not a matter of you telling her on the one hand that you are gentle and caring, but, you fly off at the handle at the slightest opportunity. Let her see for herself. Don’t get me wrong, words can do magic, but it is said that, action speaks louder…

2). DON’T OPEN YOUR CARDS. LET HER GUESS

Yes, it is one thing for you to tell her you love her, you really feel special with her, you always want to be with her… Most importantly, let her see it. Your logic or reasoning may not cut any ice sometimes, but the emotions you radiate and make her feel or see can do the magic. I bet you she would figure it out on her own. And if she has not as of yet, then leave her mind to wonder. Its part of the game. But, don’t worry, she would, women are more emotionally advanced than you think.

3). DON’T BE TOO FOCUSED ON SEX

If you think that women don’t know you want to have sex with them, then you are mistaken. In fact some women would feel insulted if you don’t make the move towards sex after some time. But be warned, don’t rush. They would give you the signs when they are ready and if you handle them properly, they would be ready earlier than you think. Don’t make them feel like a slut by rushing them up.

4). DON’T BE TOO EAGER TO PLEASE

Yeah, it is understandable, you want to please her. You don’t want to repeat your past mistake(s), yes. But, doing everything to please would make you come across like a wimp, and like you don’t have a mind of your own. It is either you become Mr. Nice Guy or a Creep, no woman wants to date either of the two.

5). DON’T BE POSSESSIVE TOO EARLY

Yes, I understand. Every man wants to “own his woman”. But, hold on, there will be time enough for you to possess your “possession” (if there is anything like that in this case). But, you must understand she has been dealing with men (perhaps a lot before you met her) so don’t go fretting over her associates or “friends” just yet. Take time to study her environment. What you see may not be what you see. You’ll learn eventually what gives.

6). DON’T FEEL INFERIOR

You may be thinking that the beautiful girl is into rich men with big wallets alone. You are wrong. Yes, money attracts some women, but, the bottom line is, use your brain. Have a unique approach, be sincere, and genuine. Women can easily see beyond the fat wallet and the shining car. And they need a guy with brains and who knows what to do. Try to know what make s her tick. Your own genuine and sincere approach may get you farther than you ever imagined.

7). DON’T WAIT FOR HER APPROVAL

Yes, just do it. Be spontaneous. Can I kiss you? Can I cuddle you? Can I spank you? Jeezz! What kind of questions are those? Just do it, deep inside they will like you for it. In fact, chances are, if you ask some wrong questions at the wrong time, you would get a ‘no I don’t like it as such’. Whereas, if you had been spontaneous, she would gladly concur and be grateful for it.

8). DON’T PLAY MR. NICE GUY TOO MUCH

Don’t worry, you would have enough time to hold her hand all day long. You would even have more than enough opportunity to ‘cancel’ your life for her happiness. But, warning, don’t make it happen too early on or else you’ll scare her away. If she sneezes, its natural that you come up with a handkerchief. But don’t overdo it, or she’ll take you for granted forever and you may not be able to reverse that. Worse still, she may even think you are too weak to hold her- internal resentment? Stand on your own, give her some work to do too. She’ll measure up if she’s right for you.

9). DON’T MAKE FALSE ASSUMPTIONS

Yeah, you see a beautiful woman, and you simply assume she’ll have too many men running after her, or that she’ll be too expensive to maintain. No, that’s not shrewd thinking. Most times you are dead wrong. Chances are, many men are thinking like you. Chances are she’s aching for someone to ask her. So why are you always passing up your chance to hook up with a beautiful damsel? Go ahead, ask… and it may be given… lol.

10). DON’T BE CARELESS

Yes, acting like you don’t care isn’t cool. Even if you have strings of women at your beck, it helps to treat this one special. It is about simple and plain good manners. Don’t act like she is disposable or something. And while you are with her, stop following everything in skirt that passes with your eyes. It is so un-cool and uncultured.

Well, we are there. However, you may find that you have made one or two mistakes in the past, it’s okay to make mistakes. But, the disaster is to continue to make the same set of mistakes over and over. So, the key is change. Change your methods and you would see the difference before long…

© Akinbobola Aduloju

It is that time of year again. Yuletide … Christmas in the air. Nostalgia, goose pimples and casting off all financial discipline. It was originally meant to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. Joy to the world, and good will to all men …

Then the commercial establishment descended and hijacked the season. The makers of coke dug into the archives, fished out Saint Nicholas, dressed him in its colors with a long white beard, and christened him Santa Claus. It has become:

"Joy to the world, and good sales to all shop owners".

It is the biggest sales season of the year. Shops prepare all year for this moment. To boost sales, high street shops offer some tantalizing price reductions, 50% off, buy one get one free etc. They work on your psyche until you give up the fight, switch your brains off and give in fully to your emotions. There is a nice sounding word for this victory: consumer confidence.
Buy now, regret later.

You must buy new clothes for every member of the household, especially the kids, take them to Santa arcade, and send gifts / hampers / cards to relatives, friends and foes. You must upgrade your living room, get wider screen TV, upgrade your cable subscription, give your home a fresh coat of paint, change the curtains, the list goes on. Buy one, get two free, and suffer buyer's remorse later. It is all in the spirit of the season. You can think of the credit card companies later. You are helping to crank the engine of the economy.

How do you withstand this massive onslaught against your fragile purse strings, this war against the soul of your finances?

Befriend your budget. Run back home and make friends with your budget. Period. The standard advice is, "Make a budget and stick to it". A lot of folks like us have attempted that. If you make a budget and stick with it, you are home safe and dry. This article is not for such lucky folks. It is for folks that are still struggling, budget after budget.

Befriend your budget. A well-made budget is a good sight to behold. The snag is, you have to follow it. That is when the rubber hits the road. This is where most folks take a bow. If your budget is balanced on paper / computer, and unbalanced in reality, something is wrong. That budget is not you. It is an expression of your wishes. There is a communication problem between you and your budget, though you live in the same house. It happens all the time. Married folks will understand what I mean. You guys are speaking in foreign languages.

How do you befriend your budget, and speak the same language?

How can you turn your budget into a friend, rather that a cruel taskmaster?

To attempt to answer these posers, let me tell you a story about two friends: Nice and Mr. Necessary.

Meet Mr. Meet Nice. An easygoing guy, does not like stress; cares a lot about what others think about him, especially his clique and peers; generally goes with the flow of current trends and fashion; does not like to be the odd man out; does not mind "buy now, pay later"; likes eating out a lot and enjoying the moment to the fullest; hates "cracking" his brain etc. Likeable guy, Mr. Nice …

Now meet Mr. Necessary. Easy going but seriously minded guy; thinks long term; does not care much about public opinion; has a long term focus and is ready to delay immediate gratification; does not care much about trends and fashion; has his eyes on his goal and dreams; does not window shop; would not touch consumer debt with a ten foot long pole etc. Mr. Necessary, seems quite boring to his friends …

Now imagine both guys coming together to form a partnership to float a small-scale business. Sparks will fly, guaranteed. They will forever quarrel about money and expenditure decisions. Now do you still wonder why you are having problems with your budget?

Can these two guys ever get to work together towards a common goal? I think so. It takes a lot of work. All relationships do. Ask your favorite Agony Aunt. Something has to give. If both guys remain in their trenches, then status quo rules … The only way forward is to come to a common ground: an alignment of two different paradigms.

First, get to know your budget. How it thinks and operates, its mindset and idiosyncrasies, modus operandi etc. Then you evaluate your similarities and differences. Then work at bridging the gap. There are three ways of approaching this. Lets call it option A, B and C.

Option A:

Meet your budget all the way. Change your ways and habits, and adapt to suit.

Option B:

Middle of the road option; you give some and your budget gives some. This will entail re-writing your budget to suit the new scenario.

Option C:

You don't move an inch. Your budget comes to meet you. This will also entail re-writing your budget to reflect your current cash flow. Of course you will make provision for deficit financing. You are not making any progress here, but at least you know where you are.

Whichever option you choose, you will end up with a budget that works, a budget in touch your reality. Being frank to yourself is key; if you deceive yourself, you will continue in the merry-go-round. Put your finger on where you need to change, and work on it. Stay focused at you short and long term goals.

Having a budget that works is your only bulwark against the yuletide madness. When you befriend your budget, you form a formidable team.

While making your yuletide budget or wish list, always remember that your November salary is for December expenses and your December salary is for January expenses. It is so easy to forget this in the midst of battle, especially as some employers pay December salary mid month. If you mix it up, you will join the bandwagon of folks that believe that January is the longest month in the year. For them, it is, and their creditors will love them for that …

Joy to the world, and goodwill to all men.

Merry Christmas