The Friend Zone.
You’ve been talking to her on the phone for a few months, sending her text messages every day; she always replies. You have long conversations about everything under the sun and you’re thinking “I like her… she must like me, she’s giving all the signs”
At night in your lonesome bed, you imagine ripping her clothes off, throwing her on the bed and giving her the time of her life, making love all night, satisfied passionate lovers.
But wait, this is just a dream; it’s all your fantasy and you have no idea if she feels the same way about you. She seems interested and she’s not running away so, maybe, just maybe she is interested. Finally, when you can no longer contain your feelings, you tell her how you feel. And, that’s when she says;
“Oh, you’re so sweet, that’s so nice of you to tell me, (horribly long pause) BUT, (another long pause) I just don’t see you that way, I just see you as a friend, a good friend. I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression, LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS.” Ouch!
That painful reply is such so universal it even has its own abbreviation; LJBF, along with its own definition in urban dictionaries. Could this have been avoided? Maybe not. But here’s how you should deal with this next time it happens.
I recently read a very good piece of advice on what to do when a woman LJBF’s you. It went something like this:
“If a girl ever blocks advancing the relationship by saying, “No, let’s just be friends,” say, “No, I have lots of friends. See you later.”
By remaining in this kind of relationship, you give the impression that you are someone who has nothing better to do than hang around with a girl who has absolutely no interest in you. And why are you hanging around? Are you hoping she will change her mind? Well I would like to remind you of a quiet little secret for when you find yourself in this situation;
THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO GO YOUR WAY WITH THIS WOMAN (was that loud enough for you?). All your fantasies will remain exactly that, FANTASIES. So get out before your poor soul dies.
Why is the Friend Zone to be avoided at all costs? Psychologist Jeremy Nicholson, the Attraction Doctor, says:
“When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn’t even. The other person is getting everything he/she wants… but the person stuck in the friend zone isn’t,”
Yeah, many of us have been there, shelling out money for dinners, travelling to the other end of the universe just to see her, playing the therapist by listening to how she has been mistreated by this jerk and that jerk.
You’re doing everything she asks, spending a lot of your free time with her, just because you’re afraid to tell her “NO I’M BUSY”, only because you’re worried that you might screw up your chances.
And what do you get in return for your deep loyalty? NADA… Oh forgive me, my mistake, you do get one reward, you get to drool longingly over her. But nothing more than drooling is going to happen because she only views you as her little brother, while on the other hand she’s banging some other guy who treats her half as well as you do. Ugh!
Don’t go there in the first place.
Yeah I said it; DO NOT GO THERE. Learn to read the signs and know beforehand when you’re getting near to the Friend Zone Entrance. Here are some basic tips to help you make sure you avoid the Friend Zone Phenomenon entirely.
1. No More Mr Nice Guy!
Yes, we covered this one already, but if you have a tendency to play Mr Nice, then you’re a prime target for the Friend Zone, and here’s why. A guy who is too nice doesn’t want to upset the apple cart or rock the boat or ruffle anyone’s feathers or cause a scene, particularly when it comes to a woman he SECRETLY likes.
This means you’ll try to avoid making her uncomfortable at any cost, but usually doing so at your own expense by not communicating your own needs. You’re romantically attracted to her, but you don’t want to “pressure” her into a relationship or “ruin” the friendship by making a move, so you end up holding back.
The trouble with this is that you are unintentionally communicating to her that your own feelings don’t matter much. You’re really blowing your chances by inaction, because it’s telling her that you’re not into her in that way. So because you’re afraid to risk stepping on her shoes, you’ve shot yourself in in the foot. Ouch!
2. Stop Being Poor Mr NEEDY!
Women smell desperation from several kilometres away, and if you’re willing to do anything, anything, anything to be in a relationship with her, you’re probably coming off as very desperate. That’s right I said VERY. Desperation is definitely an attraction KILLER.
Instead, step back and be less interested. The relationship is already imbalanced because you obviously value it far more than she does.
Desperate people end up taking what others give to them, and it’s usually not what they really desire. So be ready to walk away if you don’t get the relationship you want. Exercise the “Least Interested Principle”, where those who are willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship. Make yourself scarce.
Here is some seasoned advice. “when you see yourself approaching the LJBF-land with a woman, cut off all contact with her, completely, totally, for several months. When you come back you can start again, like hitting the refresh button. Then begin by not acting like a ‘close friend… ‘
At first sight this might seem BRUTAL, but it isn’t. You were in this situation not to be friends; you wanted more and ended up with “let’s just be friends”. If you continue with this relationship, you are being dishonest with yourself because you really want her in a different way. In other words you’re LIVING A LIE, and guess what? You’re also lying to HER, giving her the impression that you want to be just friends, when deep down you don’t. The relationship is dishonest and inauthentic.
So make yourself scarce for a while, spend more time with other people, do things for yourself. It might be hard at first, but as you get into it you’ll feel better because you actually get your life back, doing things you love purely for the joy of it. Then, if she misses you, you’ll soon know about it.
This space will give her the time to appreciate how good she had it when you were around to cater to her every whim. There is an effect called the “scarcity principle” where people value something that is rare or taken away from them. You know the old saying, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s GONE’.
This should make her realise that she values you, and might prompt her to give you what you need in the relationship, but if this doesn’t happen, it’s time to move on. Find someone new
If you find you’re expending lots of effort in trying get things moving further and she is giving hardly anything or next to nothing, then it’s safe to say you’re not going to get anywhere with this one. It’s time to pack your bags. Know when you’re not wanted in that way and MOVE ON.
3. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket!
You know what that means, right? Don’t hang ALL your hopes on one person. After all, there is no commitment or exclusivity as you are no more than friends.
So get out and start meeting with other women who you are attracted to, and then tell her about what you’ve been doing. This creates competition and can cause a bit of jealousy. Additionally, your time will be scarce because you will be too busy to see her.
Scarcity will indicate to her that she could lose you to other women. If she gets jealous or seems eager to get your time and attention, you might have turned things around. If she seems indifferent, there’s only one answer. WALK, and stay away. Don’t end up in the Friend Zone.
4. Be the DON; Create Physical Attraction! And Take Action
Spark chemistry by becoming physically attractive and focused on your confidence. When you are just friends with someone it often becomes OK to not bother dressing up and to let your hair down a bit too much.
I once browsed a female friend’s book about beauty. It was a book written by non other than Sophia Loren. In the Forward of the book, she wrote something like, ‘Beauty is Hard Work’ (and we all thought Sophia Loren just HAS it). I believe what she said, just think of how much effort women you know put in, so they can be attractive.
I think the same goes for us guys. Too many of us want to be able to attract beautiful women but are unwilling to put the TIME in, the time it takes to look our best, to be well groomed, to eat healthily, to work out etc. The effort is a MUST, as it will be a good part of your arsenal for attracting the women you want.
If you put effort into your appearance and remain confident, you seem more like a potential date instead of a potential buddy (This goes for flirting too! Stop acting like a friend and act like a potential partner by flirting and being affectionate).
Make moves. What says “I want to date you” more than asking the person out on a date? At the end of the date, if it went well, go in for the kiss and ask for a second date, advises Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. It shows you’re interested!
This advice might seem slightly over the top, but this is straight from the horse’s mouth, from a woman who knows what she’s talking about. Now how can you resist going in for that kiss? Let her know this is more than friendship.
Over to you
OK, this is where we stop for the moment. I think there is enough insight to last you a while. I promise you, if you start to ACT on these proven strategies, you will start seeing immediate differences in how you are received, even by women who THINK they know you.
I used to be a regular church goer, and when I started practising this stuff, well things went crazy, I had my fellow church women, blowing me kisses, flirting with me, telling me my personality had changed, being much nicer to me, giving ME gifts, cooking for me, it was a whole new world.
But, more importantly, I could see the difference in how outside women looked at me, total strangers in the street, or whoever I interacted with, women of ALL ages, it was as if I was a different person. Actually I noticed the change toward me in people in general; they could see that SPARK. This led to girlfriends galore and crazy female competition over who got the popular guy.
There was also a dark side; jealous guys wanting to be more ALPHA came my way to prove they were better, tougher, and more of a man. That’s what I call a high quality problem, one that didn’t exist when I had no confidence. But you will learn how to deal with these things.
The overall effect will be a much happier you, far less worried about how you are perceived by the outside world, which will attract women to you as well as all sorts of other benefits…
I urge you, act TODAY, and keep persisting, you won’t regret it.
