1) Mr Creepy (Approaching incorrectly)

This guy can’t stop a girl. He touches her from behind, walks with her, tries to grab her, or jumps too close in front of her. The girl doesn’t know what he wants and panics.

She’s thinking: Call the Police!

2) Mr Stalker (Too serious, lack of vibe)

This guy can stop a girl, compliment her and begin a conversation but it’s all way too serious. He forgets to smile, body language is stiff, and there’s no teasing or playfulness to the pick-up.

She’s thinking: Get me out of here!

3) Mr Clown (too gamey, too entertaining, too funny)

This guy has read every Pick-Up book out there. He loves his lines, his routines, his jokes and his peacocking. The girl is laughing so he thinks he’s winning.

She’s thinking: Is this guy a children’s entertainer?

4) Mr Speedy Gonzalez (Talks too quickly, gives off nervous energy)

Everything’s 100 miles an hour! This guy doesn’t believe that people will listen to what he’s got to say, so he says it quickly. His nervous energy is often then matched by the girl, and the interaction spins out of control.

She’s thinking: Why do I feel so agitated?

5) Mr Hairdresser (Asks too many mundane questions)

The most common mistake. This guy makes polite conversation by asking her questions: What are you up to today? Where are you from? Doing anything nice later? He’s asking her to do all the work and not displaying any of his personality.

She’s thinking: I feel like I’m being interviewed.

6) Mr Bitch (agreeing with everything, putting her on a pedestal)

This guy supplicates to her. He inflects his voice upwards, nods his head, smiles too much and says “oh cool!” after she speaks. For him, she can do no wrong. She might like him, but she’s turned off by this kiss-arse behaviour and lack of challenging.

She’s thinking: I can walk all over this one!

7) Mr Gay Best Friend (Too much comfort, no male-female polarity)

Girls love this guy. He makes them feel totally comfortable. This guy doesn’t flirt or tease, he just allows them to talk about what they want to talk about. He’s afraid of showing his intent in case he loses her.

She’s thinking: Great! A guy I can be platonic with!

8. Mr Me-Me-Me (does all the work, invests too much, talks a lot)

This guy is doing far too much talking. He doesn’t recogise when the set has hooked and never gets the girls doing the work. He’s forgotten the power of listening and silence.

She’s thinking: Why is he trying so hard?

9) Mr Premature Ejeculator (leaves an interaction early)

This guy is his own worst enemy. He blows himself out by leaving an interaction that was going fine, just to escape the social pressure. Either he can’t believe how well it’s going or he panics and departs.

She’s thinking: Why didn’t he ask for my number?

10) Mr Dodgy Closer (closes too fast or messes up the close)

This guy has forgotten that you have to open strong and close strong. He apologetically asks for her number, mumbles, or gives up at the first sign of difficulty. This guy might also go for the number too fast, before the hook point.

She’s thinking: It started off well, but now I’m not sure.

Take a good hard look at those Top 10 mistakes and try to honestly say which ones you make. Get a friend to film one of your approaches, or record an audio of your conversation. Even better come to one of my bootcamps or take a 1 to 1 training with me and we will get you up to speed quickly.

Mr. P.O.P.O. quite often gets on with the job and leaves politics to others in the mistaken belief that talent and ability will carry the day. He is Pissed on and Passed over (P.O.P.O.). His integrity and work ethic get him nowhere. He quite often finds himself overlooked for rewards and promotions (or postings) and invariably sidelined by craftier colleagues. Partly because he’s too straight and naive and partly because he just doesn’t know how to play the game, Mr. P.O.P.O. ends up as a spectacular underachiever. In the power game, all along dominated by the manipulators & strategists, Mr. P.O.P.O. does not make a win, for he does not know the rules and the knack to absorb him (self) into the cunning ploys, gambit, and strategies to put him up from the P.O.P.O. quagmire.

Office politics matters. One just cannot succeed at work without getting political. Politicking happens whether you like it or not. It requires a person to learn the right buttons to push to influence others more effectively. Working life sucks, let’s be honest here. Bad stuff can happen to good people. Bright, smart, hard-working souls who try to do a good job often end up getting walked over, trodden on and beaten down or sent packing to languish in obscurity or even the vigilance/crime/police nets. And arrogant, nasty, vindictive types often seem to have a fast-track ticket that allows them to rise straight to the top (ref; Murphy’s Law).

In our career we’re invariably confronted with a number of unpleasant office situations, politics, negativity, bullying bosses and annoying co-workers (a compassionate boss is very unlikely but is a real treasure). Bad people do get promoted because of their upward relationships. It’s an unfortunate and sometimes unfair fact of life. It doesn’t matter how great of a performer you are. If your boss (or even your peers/colleagues) perceives you as a threat, you could very well be eliminated. From the day one of your career to the day you retire, office politics affects you, your performance at work, and your relationship with your peers and even the future of the company. Innocent Bystander, the archetype, just wants to do the best job possible and leave himself out of the politics. He can never stay out of it, not really. The system always finds a way to suck him in. Even working from home as a freelance whatever, doesn’t make you immune.

Because business is about competition, some of it is subtle and unspoken, but nearly everyone is competing for budgets, opportunities to work on more exciting (say plum) projects, customers, or resources. And then there’s competition for promotions, time with important colleagues/superiors/biggies, prestige, recognition, bigger salaries, and, of course, power. But the very fact that people do plot and scheme at work illustrates one of the truths of politicking – that it delivers results. Despite some people trying to be noble and refusing to play the political game (they focus on their jobs and work hard in the hopes of being noticed and rewarded for their efforts) these sorts of people just end up being overlooked or ignored – either by colleagues or very important persons or both.

People (the purists) who focus on their work, dislike politics and try to work hard may be very good at their jobs and work honestly and diligently, if somewhat naively. They follow rules and regulations, trying to do what is “fair” or “right” and feel frustrated when decisions are not “fair” or “right”. Nice does not mean nice, it often ends up meaning loser. The nice guys often end up meaning losers to end up as organizational martyrs, moaning about the unfairness of life but never doing anything about it. The players, the very opposite of purists, do respect official rules and regulations, but they understand that the ‘unofficial rules’ of politics are often more important. They realize that decisions are rarely “fair” or “right” and that decision makers have both personal as well as professional buttons that need to be pressed. They may not always be the very best at their day-to-day jobs, but their connections and influence help them to vault up the career ladder over their purist colleagues. They use their understanding of politics to influence people and achieve goals that are good for the organization as well as themselves. They know even in the most friendly and supportive of organizations, people don’t always agree. Purists largely refuse to play the political game, believing it to require underhand tactics and a malicious intent.

Bosses, like any dominant animal, mark out their territory, assert their authority and display their power. As if it were a male peacock that flaunts its plumage to attract a mate, bosses flaunt themselves to denote gravitas and seriousness, in this case not to attract a partner but, to assert their top-dog position in the workplace. Groups were territorial in the past because it helped them survive. If you weren’t in a tight band, you didn’t get to pass on your genes. Such tribalism is not necessary in the same way now, yet we still have those characteristics because they have evolved over two million years. It’s a surprise just how hard-wired this behavior is. It’s predictable that a group will ostracize a whistle-blower, for instance. It’s not good, but it’s understandable in the tribal framework. It explains all sorts of undesirable behaviors, including bullying. Top guys do not spend as much of their time, as people thought, sitting reading quietly or attending to paperwork in front of a computer. Instead they are more often out and about maneuvering and positioning themselves at meetings, one-on-one encounters and coffee cliques.

Moral: We need to stop being simplistic and realize that changing behaviors and encouraging teamwork is much harder than we think. Getting different groups together and talking through some of the differences, and appreciating some of the unwritten rules which drive people, are crucial steps in improving trust. Let us not get taken advantage of & end up as organizational martyrs, moaning about the unfairness of life but never doing anything about it.

Where else but in Bristol, Virginia, the birthplace of country music, would you find a fiddling barber? Where else would you find a barber often featured in Jim Scancarelli’s comic strip “Gasoline Alley”? In what other barber shop in America can you find a barber with over 50 years’ experience in both cutting hair and making bluegrass music?

Every Thursday morning, a group of some of the most talented musicians this side of Nashville gather amid the Vitalis, Osage Rub, and Pinaud Clubman Talc to give Star Barber Shop patrons a free concert. They even take requests.

Gene Boyd began the Star Barber Shop business in 1950, and his relationship with music goes back even farther. He began playing bluegrass around age 10 and performed with such local groups as the Holston Valley Gang, the Boys from Hickory Tree and Leon Kiser and the Holston Mountain Boys. Mr. Boyd has performed with Bill Monroe, Jim and Jessee and Roni Stoneman. Fellow Bristolian Ernie Ford was a disc jockey when Mr. Boyd played bluegrass on the radio. Mr. Boyd was awarded a BCMA Lifetime Achievement Award by the Birthplace of Country Music Alliance in 1998. He also appears in an English film company video titled “Crawdaddy-from Bristol to Bristol.”

Music provides a strong bond between the musicians who frequent the Star Barber Shop and their families. On the Thursday morning that I visited the shop, one guitar player’s daughter had accompanied him to the shop and proudly declared to me, “That’s my daddy!”

Another Star Barber Shop regular player showed me a guitar that had been handmade by his son. The guitar featured beautifully inlaid tiny mosaic tiles around the base and down the neck.

“Does he do that for a living?” I asked.

The man laughed. “Nah. He works at Eastman.”

Mr. Boyd’s own fiddle is a lovely piece of his own craftsmanship. The only place some of the cherry finish has worn thin is where Mr. Boyd’s left hand holds the neck. This is a fiddle that has been played often and with a great deal of love and respect for the instrument and for the music it emits.

If you’re ever in Bristol, Virginia, on a Thursday morning, go by the Star Barber Shop at 1003 West State Street. You’ll be welcomed with a cup of coffee, a song, and a haircut, if you want one.

Everyone Welcome…Except Maybe Big Maude

You might think that Floyd’s City Barber Shop with its homespun charm and “two chairs, no waiting” exists only in The Andy Griffith Show reruns. After all, who can run a successful business and still take time to shoot the breeze with passersby? Well, don’t tell anyone that you heard it from me, but Russell Hiatt can.

Want a good haircut and all the latest gossip about the fine folks from Mayberry? Then stop in at Floyd’s City Barber Shop on Main Street in Andy Griffith’s hometown of Mount Airy, North Carolina. I did. I didn’t get a haircut, but I did get a few interesting tales. Now, here again, you didn’t hear any of this from me, but Andy recently came home to dedicate a stretch of road named in his honor. It’s officially called The Andy Griffith Parkway, but some people are already calling it “Andy’s Road.” They’re not really ones to put on the dog in Mayberry, you know…er, I mean, Mount Airy. And you know Hal Smith who played Otis the town drunk on the show? He confessed to Mr. Hiatt that he’d never drank in his life. And Ernest T. Bass? He isn’t a nutty little troublemaker at all. He’s a really nice guy named Howard Morris who has visited Floyd’s City Barber Shop a number of times. Helen Crump (a/k/a Aneta Corsaut) came for a visit once and brought along about 500 people from a tour in Winston-Salem. That visit provided the inspiration for Mr. Hiatt’s “Wall of Fame.”

It was about fourteen years ago that Ms. Crump paid that visit. Since then, Mr. Hiatt has put 23,000 photographs on his wall (and has another 1,800 ready to be placed, though finding 1,800 empty spaces might pose a problem). These photographs include everyday people (like me), a Cleveland, Ohio woman (who was the first to be photographed for the “Wall of Fame”), governors, major league ballplayers and officials, Oprah Winfrey (whose father Vernon is a barber in Nashville, Tennessee), and even “The Incredible Hulk” Lou Ferrigno.

“Now that one fills up a barber chair,” observes Mr. Hiatt, pointing out the photo of Lou Ferrigno.

It’s true. I’ll bet even Aunt Bee and Clara peeped around the corner from Snappy Lunch in order to get a better look at the muscle-bound, smiling actor.

Mr. Hiatt has had a lot of fun over the past 56 years being “Floyd the barber.” Who’d have thought that cutting Andy Griffith’s hair when Andy was in college would play such a role in shaping Mr. Hiatt’s life? Howard McNear who played Floyd Lawson on The Andy Griffith Show suffered a stroke in the show’s last year, 1968. Mr. McNear died on January 3, 1969. Thus, the real life “Floyd” attends Mayberry’s reunions and celebrations. When he gets back home, he once again gets out the scissors and the comb and goes back to work.

I have to say, Russell Hiatt is a real Mayberry kind of guy. He faithfully visits his mother-now 98-in the nursing home; and every other Sunday, he helps cook dinner for the entire family (23 in all). And much like Floyd Lawson, you can’t one-up him no matter how hard you try. I showed him photographs of my boy-girl twins, and danged if he didn’t turn right around and point out a photograph of his boy-girl twins (just two of his ten great-grandchildren).

In 2000, Mr. Hiatt was inducted into the Barbering Hall of Fame. “If I’d retired, I’d have missed that,” he told me. “And if I’d stayed home today, I’d have missed you…and I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.”

That said, consider yourself warned about visiting Mount Airy/Mayberry. We watch The Andy Griffith Show, and we get preconceived notions about what these townspeople might be like. Then you go there and find that it’s really better than anything Hollywood could concoct. You go to the Visitor’s Center and Ann and Millie make you feel like a VIP, and then Mr. Hiatt treats you like family. I was almost surprised that no deputy stopped me on the way out of town to give me a jar of pickles…but then again, someone did mention that that particular deputy was mostly on duty on Fridays.

The question of what is the response rate from leaflet distribution, has to be one of the most commonly asked questions we receive from potential and existing customers. To put this question into context, it's like asking a gym instructor, 'how much weight will I lose by joining the gym?'. There are many factors which determine how much weight you may lose, and the same is true for your response rate from a door to door distribution. The next few paragraphs will help illustrate how you can maximise your response rate.

What do the stats say?

The Direct Marketing Association (DMA) has carried out extensive research in an attempt to give you a good idea of ​​what to expect from your flyer distribution campaign: "A key finding is that 89% of consumers remember receiving a door drop mailing – more than any other marketing channel. And it has a powerful place in people's lives, with 45% keeping leaflets on a pinboard or in the kitchen drawer ". This is great news! However, the average response rate is around 1%. So the question is why aren't people responding, and more importantly, how can we encourage people to respond?

Which industries benefit most from leaflet distribution?

According to a DMA article, the retail sector has most success with 9 in 10 people happy to receive retail based unaddressed mail. This was closely followed by FMCG brands, then restaurants and local services. In our experience, our biggest bulk of clients which repeat very regularly with us due to high ROI are Estate Agents, Gyms and Garages (car sales showrooms such as Perrys Mazda).

New business vs established brand, who wins?

Imagine that two businesses in the same industry decide to invest in a door to door distribution; who will receive the higher response? Consider, if you receive a flyer for DFS Sofas and another from Mr Sofas, they both say 50% off Boxing Day sale, and both have images of nice sofas from just £ 399, which would you more likely respond to? Even if Mr Sofas had a better offer and better starting prices, you would still go to DFS over Mr Sofas because you know and trust the brand, where as you have never heard of Mr Sofas (probably because I made them up!).

How many people will respond to your flyer?

For this let's stick with the sofa example. If you receive a flyer from DFS, a well established brand, and receive a Dominos Pizza flyer, again a well established brand, the response rate would be equal right? No! How many times do you buy a pizza compared with a sofa ?! The point here is not to dwell on the percentage response rate, but on the potential value of each converted lead. Dominos need to sell a lot more pizzas than DFS do sofas in order to see a return from their distribution.

But I'm not an established brand, is leaflet distribution a waste for me?

Absolutely not, and there are a number of reasons why. If you have a local business looking for local custom then I can't think of a better solution to advertise locally than flyer distribution. So, why will people respond if they haven't heard of you? They won't necessarily on first view, but going back to the joining the gym analogy, leaflet distribution is not a one hit wonder event, just as going to the gym doesn't work if you only turn up once. Leaflet distribution works most effectively when treated as a long term campaign, which goes out to the same people over and over with a professionally planned strategy. This is the same whether you are an established brand, a new business, or a small business looking to expand.

What is the campaign based approach?

This is the essential ingredient to ensuring you will see a return on your investment. People don't tend to respond to something on first view, they need to see it over and over, which is known as drip effect marketing. You need to plan a long term campaign, tailored around your budget, which enables your flyer to target the right audience on a regular basis with actionable flyers.

How much impact does the design of the flyer have?

A huge amount! For example, if you have an estate agents and send out a flyer with a boring image of your office on, and it says something like 'we are an estate agents, we sell and rent houses', you will likely receive no response even if you send 100,000 on a regular basis to the same audience. However, if you simply have a headline such as 'Thinking of selling this summer?' Followed by a sub headline, 'we are offering free valuations in your area this week', with a call to action, 'Call us today on … and book your free valuation', and an image of an exciting house with a happy family embracing it, your response rate will rate will be completely different. Why is this? Because instead of talking about your boring business, you need make your business relevant to the receiver, and give them a strong reason to respond. Actionable design is vital.

The power of attraction is still to this day, in spite of all our technical advances in computers, mobile phones and satellite teletronomy, a mystical science. And yet, the principle of a mobile phone is identical to the power of attraction in a human mind. We are receiving and transmitting devices, they are located in our head. If things are not going the way you want, it’s because you’re attracting it. If things are going the way you want it’s because you are attracting it.

Nobody treats you better than you treat yourself. If you are not honouring, respecting, valuing, being kind to, generous to, compassionate for or thankful for yourself, no one else will.

If you are attracting dark clouds in the form of an ex partner being mean, a boss being aggressive, or kids going mad around you, look inside. How you treat yourself on the outside of ourselves can reflect what is going on inside, or, it can be the opposite.

For example you might stuff your face with food thinking that this is being kind to yourself but really, you are self abusing. Feeding on the outside – shutting down on the inside.

So, it’s better to work from the inside out. Start with a feeling of self acceptance on the inside: “I am who I am and worthy of love for it” that’s a big step in most people’s lives.

Then move to the Innerwealth four… kindness, compassion, generosity and thankfulness for yourself on the inside… in other words stop pushing yourself, wanting to change yourself, wishing you were different. That generosity toward yourself on the inside comes in many forms and is trickier than you think.

For example, that person on the inside might be a least competitive, dumbest in business, incompetent in relationship, shy, introverted and most mischievous 3 year old child. Do you like that part of you?

Sometimes this inner child, or human spirit as it is called, sabotages things you want. For example you might be running a marathon and think that the inner child is holding you back or not “manning up” for the race and that’s where you might need some therapy…

The human spirit is not obsessed with outcomes, only the process is interesting to the human spirit. If you run a race without your inner child, human spirit, you may get to the end, but along the way you will have discarded yourself, (that part of yourself) disrespected yourself, and surprisingly, your antenna, or inbuilt mobile phone has signalled it to ex wives, ex husbands and that’s what you attract. Disrespect and discard…

Another example might be skipping your ME time in the morning because there are other priorities. Say you are getting the kids to school or making breakfast for your partner, so you don’t do your self respecting practice in the morning, you sleep in, skip it. Then two days later you feel like crap and think you’ve just done something wrong. But really the transmitted waves have been looking for a place to land for 24 hours… always look back over the last three days to see what has triggered stuff that’s happening in this day.

That’s the danger of living in the moment. You act for this moment and expect the results in this moment. But I’ve found it’s better to act for the future.

If you want your partner to be horny for you next week, do something this week, delay your need for gratification from what you do, and open your arms to receive it in a few days. I promise you’ll get double what you expected in the moment.

Sometimes in consults with clients I say things they don’t like. I have a habit of being a bit too real for some people’s sensitivity. They curse me and walk off angry. Now, I have two choices: first, go after them and apologise and the second is to get judgemental and say to myself “I spoke honestly, they’ll come around sometime when they are ready.”

I chose the second option.

In my experience if I choose the first option, and react to their emotional games, and apologise for speaking the truth, I end up beating myself up for speaking from my heart. That’s not going to attract good things is it?

I remember once feeling life I hurt someone badly in a relationship. On the surface I said I didn’t hurt them because they were really acting bad, but there was residual guilt and it made me feel responsible for all pain I saw people have in my presence.

So in that relationship, they became really abusive and I became really guilty. Suddenly my whole world went crappy. My business life, my finances, my friendships, my health went sour.

My guilt was self abusive so I attracted abuse.

I went into retreat for three weeks sitting in Zen trying to deal with it. But all I achieved was to sit on my guilt and try to become someone different. That didn’t work. Not at least, until the last day, when, after trying to over ride the guilt, I suddenly felt compassion and kindness toward a deeper part of me.

Man, I cried tears out my arse. I cried and cried and cried. I’d been speaking the speak, walking the walk of “nice guy” and “Mr Guilt” but deep inside, I’d been taking the blame right to my core, my inner child, my spirit.

I suddenly saw that this inner part, this inner child, this spirit is not good or bad, it just is.

It chooses paths without logic, directions without rationality. It stays in relationships with health and leaves. It doesn’t cause pain, how people react causes their pain.

Now I had the capacity to delay gratification. I could speak truth in this moment, have it rejected in this moment, not take it on board, be kind to myself, and wait for that kindness to echo back and it does.

Sometimes people are angry with me for 15 years after a consult. They get really pissed and blame me for everything that goes wrong in their life. I don’t take it on board, nor do I accept their dumping but I don’t need to reject it either. As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

As long as I don’t react, it has no impact.

Understanding the dynamics of life.

Love happens at the border of support and challenge.

The more support – the more challenge.

If a person is getting it easy at work and in life, they’ll cop it tough at home.

Nature guarantees it.

From the outside we may look at someone’s life and see the challenge and feel sorry for them, but, what would be more healthy is to see the support as well as the challenge. Not one single person on earth has it different.

Some people have small support in their relationship but get it big time in their job so you see their relationship being really tough. Overall however, they are balanced.

Where we choose our challenge, now that’s changeable.

To change the challenge from our relationship to another space we need to:

1. Get honest that we’re in the wrong job and on cruise mode.
2. Admit that nobody beats us up more than we do to ourselves
3. Accept that our partner is probably right at least in a piece of their ideas
4. Not change our behaviour in our relationship…

I am only going to deal with the last one at length:

If things are going bad in our relationship we should not modify our behaviour. That model leads to lies, secrets and pretence. The result of which is resentment.

What we can change however, is our intent.

What does that mean?

Whatever baggage we are carrying around about a past experience, a fear, guilt, resentment, judgement, anger, frustration, incomplete, reaction, question or devastation, affects our intention.

The ability to trust another person, to love, to be positive or complimentary, to accept, to have compassion, kindness, generosity and appreciation for another person is governed by our baggage and reflected in our intent.

The ability to have the Innerwealth Four: Gratitude, Presence, Certainty and Love is impacted by our baggage and is reflected in our intent.

So, GYAT is the Innerwealth process for changing your intent… (GYAT – Getting Your Act Together)

GYAT is how you deeply change your intent.

Your intent changes your behaviour, not for the purpose of placating an angry or vindictive, manipulative or unhappy partner. It changes your behaviour from a sustainable authentic place.

One of the questions I get most often from men is..what do women want in men?

A lot of men seem to think that women want the wrong things in men, for example, money, status, power. Although these things are, to a point, what women want, they are not specifically – and to understand exactly what they want you must first understand the amazing mind of a woman!

First things first, security. Security means three specific things for a woman: physical security, emotional security (a. k. a. faithfulness) and temporal (and not temporary) security (a. k. a. stability). Although women want a few things from men, the most important feature they want is stability. Even if it is quite known that women usually like more Mr. “Jerk” than Mr. “Nice” because he finds him more manly, at the end, single women usually marry a Mr. “Nice” because she finds him more stable. And because…

He is more chivalrous, intimate, and tender. The best way in which a single woman can ensure herself that the man who is giving her security now will not become her main aggressor later is to see how men behave in their daily life. Even when women can easily live and survive without us, a chivalrous offering will decidedly work in the man’s favor… Just don’t exaggerate your chivalrousness because…

If you exaggerate it you will be dropped. Women want men who will be able to provide her some security from outer aggressions as well. That is to say, if he looks weak to her, he will probably look weak for other men and, therefore, it is more convenient for her to look somewhere else. Women will find attractive men who behave manfully before the world but tenderly with them, even if he’s not the most stunning man in the world. His manliness will show her how protective he can be; his tenderness, how supporting he can be if she needs him. A woman’s brain is like that.

I hope this helped you understand what women want in men…Although it can be very confusing to understand a woman’s mind, hopefully this gave you a little more insight.

One trait of franchisors and something you will find in all their biographies both; official and unofficial is their competitiveness and refusal to give up. Now onto Part IV of our saga:

Mr. Winslow met with so many different companies and made so many contacts he was sure he had all the components to roll out his own Mobile Oil Change franchise System to co-brand with the other WashGuy Family of Franchises. Lance, then had a chance meeting with Greg of On-site Oil Change in New Mexico. It was by total accident. Lance was visiting Los Alamos Laboratories to sign up members for The World Think Tank; a hobby of his and having a rather tough time of it due to recent national security problems there. He drove down to Rio Rancho for a Starbucks Coffee, when Greg approached him asking about the Truck Wash Guys Franchise. Greg had accidentally signed up the New Mexico Power Company for fleet washing, since he was good friends with the Vehicle operations supervisor and already changed the oil for the entire fleet. After they got to talking a little bit Mr. Winslow, who just got done reading the Biography of Lance Armstrong, found out that Greg had beaten cancer. And Greg’s attitude at the time was no different from what Lance had read about Lance Armstrong’s fight with cancer, and his Tour de France victories. Mr. Winslow also was developing ties with the founder of the World Think Tank, a cancer survivor. Greg’s wife told him that Winston Churchill, was her personal and favorite hero. Mr. Winslow was reading also in fact currently at that time reading Winston Churchill’s Biography after learning he is related to the late Winston Churchill through John Howland an ancestor.

Greg had moved his growing business into a new $250,000 building in the Albuquerque Industrial Area on an acre. His shop had everything including upstairs offices and rooms for training new Oil Change Guys Franchisees. Greg had added other lines to his business, which we had hoped to incorporate into our business model. Greg would have put together our equipment and training our team. We looked into all of these ancillary revenue streams and determined them to be viable. After determining these to be excellent add-on services and we incorporated them into our service list. We then asked Greg to put together some figures as to exact costs to put together an Oil Change Rig. Similar to the ones he had running, but with all the new options that he had determined necessary.

He failed to perform this obligation and we lost two deals we were putting together in Monterrey, Mexico. Lance was getting frustrated, but understood Greg had been through a hell of a lot in his life and let it go.

Later in that year Bob Davis of “Tour de Lube” of Oklahoma City called us after being in business for only six months with two older trailer units, admitting to us that they were not really doing the job and wanting us to help him upgrade his fleet with a van. Bob wanted us to take a used van, which he would buy and retrofit it. Bob wanted to run a debt free business, which is admirable, but wanted us to put equipment in an old van. Bob and his family ran this business after buying it from another gentleman who had run the business for 5 or more years the prior. After discussing this with Bob and finding out that Bob’s real ambitions was to do fleet oil changing throughout the Midwest and control that market and sell vans “turn-key” to those wishing to do mobile oil changing for residential and individual car owners, we determined that we could not allow such secrets and proprietary information to leave the company.

Bob told us that he had gone to several neighborhoods and asked customers if they might sign up for residential periodic oil changes, claiming almost all of them said “Yes, they would sign up.” It was this revelation that prompted Bob Davis to set up these vans all over the country to change oil in driveways, claiming “that is where the real money is?” Of course with Wal-Mart changing oil for $12.99, we hardly think so. We actually all had a chuckle over his two to three neighborhood marketing survey, because actually signing people up is another issue. Surely if an old guy comes to your door you are going to be cordial. Bob’s goal as he explained it on the phone was to set up a van for a customer, new or used that the customer brought them and out fit it for a profit and collect a couple of points on each equipment lease for getting financing. Lance in his lifetime had done enough business with “Sleazy Leasing Companies” to know that was a bad deal for the potential “Biz-Op” buyers or franchisees or whatever it was Bob was going to call them? Not to mention that he believed some how he could help our team in some way because he understood the Equipment Leasing Business and had connections there. Big deal any Equipment Leasing Company would spiff someone a bird dog or finder’s fee if you gave them some live flesh to sign a lease at 35-40% interest if you figure out the points, doc fees, non-interest paid deposit and other tricks.

It was determined that Bob was a competitor and Lance told him to “Go to Hell.” Bob insisted that Lance was having a bad day and that we should work together? Bob even went out of his way to contact Greg and his wife to tell him what nice guy he was and how Lance was out of line. It appeared that the gathering of intelligence by Bob Davis was a little unnerving to Lance especially as Bob tried to play the “I am a Christian, you can trust me!” game with Lance. Susan, Greg’s wife felt sorry for Bob Davis and decided that Lance had been too harsh with Tour de Lube’s Bob Davis and that it was not right to tell competitors/inquiries where to stick it.

Mr. Winslow at this point decided he needed to scrap the project with Greg or anyone else because in franchising or any type of rapid roll-out strategy, you must be dedicated to the cause, loyal to the team and play to win. Oil Change Guys, decided to do it the only way they know would really work. Today, Lance and his team of fabricators and vendors from our other systems in Phoenix do the whole thing in-house and have dumped any potential alliance with any other non-team member so they can build the best units and capture the market share without doing business with anyone who is a competitor, might drop the ball or is unworthy of the incredible dedication it takes to build the World’s greatest service firm.

We believe that our team is number one and that we are responsible to that team, our families and to the customer and no one else. If you can play by those rules give us a call. And there you have it, the History of the Oil Change Guys, which can serve as an inspiration to your entrepreneurial mission. We wish you well and God’s Speed…

Introduction

“Well, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” -or- “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” -and then the call never comes.

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know, that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep–rejection! Rejection of all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!

Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say “just get over it” or “it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you.” This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects. There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.

Why Rejection Hurts

Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is “bad.” This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to an extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval, and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.

The Costs Are High!

For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals–a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become codependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on–yuck!

· What does rejection mean to you?

· What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?

A Mental Shift Is Required

A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection, it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being “dismissed” come from such cognitive distortions (negative thought traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mindreading (making unfounded assumptions). You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.

Tips For Coping With Rejection

The following are some ideas to help you reframe the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an “oh please!” or “yeah right!” attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer.

* View rejection as a success. The fact that that guy doesn’t want to date you is saving you a lot of time and energy in building something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You’ve invested nothing, your heart is safe, and now you can channel your energies into new possibilities.

* Typically, rejection has nothing to do with you; it’s a projection of the other person’s wants, needs, and life experiences. He doesn’t really know you. All he is aware of is what he saw and what you shared with him about yourself, but that’s not the totality of who you are. It’s more about him. It’s not your fault, so avoid personalizing it and realize also that you are not Mr. Right for every guy you meet and vice versa. Most people you date will not be the right guy for you.

* Avoid attaching yourself to outcomes. Approach every date free from fantasy and as an opportunity to meet someone new. If something works out, then that’s an added bonus. Don’t mold yourself into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Be the chooser!

* A fear of being alone is closely tied to fear of rejection. The more value you place on someone, the stronger the fear will be, so take the emphasis off of him and find ways to value yourself. Discover ways to be “happily single”, independent, and don’t put stock in being fulfilled in your life only if you’re in a relationship. Identify your strengths and recognize what makes you a “good catch.” Cultivate a positive self-image.

* Build your self-confidence by becoming the best “you” you can be. Invest in your personal growth, fine-tune your social skills, take safe and calculated risks, enhance your self-esteem and body image, develop a more balanced lifestyle with purposeful goals that will give you meaning. This will help take the focus off the other guy and put it more squarely on you and living your life to the max to where rejection won’t matter as much to you.

* Whenever you experience feelings of rejection, write down the thoughts you’re having in a journal and work at correcting any distorted beliefs that may be hurting you. Are you condemning yourself? Are your thoughts reinforcing low self-esteem? How are you contributing to your own feelings of rejection? Develop your own personal list of affirmations that will encourage and affirm you and rehearse them daily.

* Most importantly, stop giving emotional power to these men! How do you even know if this guy was really a match for you either? Are you projecting? His saying “no” to another date basically means that your personal requirements for a long-term relationship do not appear to match up. It is the traits, not you! And if a rejection occurs over something superficial, you don’t want to be with that person anyway. Superficiality does not equal long-term sustenance in relationships. Overcome your fear of being negatively judged by having a solid grasp on your vision and requirements to operate from that.

Conclusion

While nobody likes to be rejected, remember that it’s all about perception and that you have total control over the way that you think and interpret things; you have no control over the other person. Reframe your experience of rejection in more positive terms, develop a mindset of acceptance to bounce back quickly, and keep centered on your goals and beliefs in your ability to lead a happy life. Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but can be a rewarding adventure. Don’t let your fears of rejection paralyze your life; live by the mantra NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES and remember that the main reason Mr. Right will want to be with you is by you being who you inherently are–that’s why he will fall in love with you and vice versa. So be yourself! Keep an ongoing log of affirmations that resonate with you to help you stay upbeat and centered during those difficult times, and in conclusion, here’s a neat way of looking at rejection.

To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. — Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”

©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

You may have already seen the different signs of a cheating boyfriend but you just accidentally overlooked it, deliberately overlooked it or you're just not sure if you're seeing the real thing. Sadly, most women tend to choose the second option especially when the relationship is next to perfect and a little issue of distrust may blow all the romance away. I'm not saying your acts are unjustified or that they're wrong. But if you're sure that you've seen the signs of a cheating boyfriend being exhibited by your lover or if your instincts tell you something is definitely amiss, it may not hurt to do a bit of investigation yourself. If you prove it wrong, then you'll simply find more reasons to love him. If you find out your gut feeling is correct, then you have an option to get rid of a relationship that is already falling on the rocks. The only difference is that you retain more dignity than if you choose to be passive about it.

When you look into the signs of a cheating boyfriend, there are certainly a lot of ways to begin your search. Depending on your choice, you may start observing from the physical, emotional, or from the recent changes in his lifestyle.

Effort to Change His Appearance

The first thing that most women see is the change in his physical appearance or the effort invested to change it. Was there a time when your boyfriend told you that he has to do something for his mother-like buy a quick meal or something-yet he had worn his perfume as though he's going to obtain the meal from a trash bin? Has he worn his favorite Armani shorts and tennis shirt?

More hanging out with his "friends" and "business associates"

Last month, he said he will not be having any business trips for this month yet he suddenly tells you about his "unplanned trips with a business associate that may last a couple of days". Also, when you call his house, his mother tells you he was "out with the boys" when he told you that something came up in the office and he'll be burning his eyebrows in an overtime job.

Loses Affection

You will notice that he becomes reluctant when you hold his hands in public or kisses his cheek in front of your friends which was a gesture he used to love before. Also, his words may become a bit harsher. If not, you'll hear more sarcastic retorts from him. When you're together, you have this weird feeling at the pit of your stomach telling you he's not really smiling genuinely. In fact, he seems to be only smiling when he thinks you're looking.

Being Distant

There's also the mind-boggling feeling that he's suddenly becoming distant or he seems to be always preoccupied even when you're making love with him. There are also times when he seems very irritated especially when you suddenly barge into his office unannounced. He finds faults even from your simple gestures and sometimes he starts fights out of the most menial things.

Mr. Nice Guy

Lastly, when you confront him and tell him there seems to be something wrong, he becomes evasive. Worse, he showers you with excessive gifts the next day, lavish you with an expensive set of jewelry even if there's no occasion, and constantly tells you he loves you more often than not. He does these things after he just told you there is nothing wrong.

Why would he do that?

You probably have the answer already screaming inside your head. The big question is why are you keeping up with it? Why would you suffer in a frustrating round of limbo, not sure of what to think and where to go?

When you have a brief encounter with a narcissist, you might not realize that the person has a personality disorder which is typified by being very self-absorbed and lacking in empathy for others. However, when you are a target of narcissistic abuse, and are in a relationship with this person, your every day life becomes confusing and painful.

Before getting into ways you can rebuild your self-esteem, let’s take a moment to describe the behavior of a narcissist for those who might not be clear about what the term means. An individual with narcissistic personality disorder goes through life with an overwhelming need to be validated all the time, and told they are wonderful, smarter than anyone else and are entitled to only the finest treatment by everyone. They take offense easily, and get angry quickly if they interpret a remark as being an insult. In their craving for attention and approval, they are usually adept at being charming when they want something from someone else, and then if they are refused will have an almost instant transformation into being very angry. They are quick to judge other people as inferior, and enjoy using phrases that are racist, demeaning and derogatory of other groups of people.

For example, a narcissist, feeling he is superior to everyone else, will commonly say things like, “The masses are asses!”

While some people like to say that a narcissist is someone with excess self-love or vanity, that really doesn’t do more than give a surface definition. To know more, you have to understand a bit about how this disorder began, and it is typically stated in definitions of the disorder that it began with trauma early in childhood, during the phase when the child should have been developing a healthy sense of self. Instead, the child formed the opinion, usually as a result of abusive treatment including neglect, that he was not good enough the way he was and needed to create a “perfect” persona to show to the world to gain that all-important approval the child craved.

As an adult, the narcissist often has a public persona of being Mr. Nice Guy or Ms. Wonderful, because they enjoy (and need) the adoration they can elicit from others by being so fun and pleasant to be around. Typically, a narcissist does favors for others, but then expects even bigger favors in returns.

If you’ve been involved intimately with a narcissist you soon found that no matter how much attention and love you showered on this person, it was never enough. He or she always demanded more and more, while complaining that you are selfish, cold and unresponsive. It’s a no-win situation for you when you are in this type of relationship. Your self-esteem is pommeled every day as if you are his verbal punching bag!

In order to heal from narcissistic abuse, first you must end or limit the contact you have with this person. If you are married or in an intimate relationship with the narcissist, the best recourse for your own mental and emotional health is to leave. If the narcissist is a relative or someone you work with, learn to limit the time you spend in their company, and also learn how to set boundaries so that you can speak up for yourself assertively.

Now, on to 5 tips to help you start rebuilding your self-esteem and make it even stronger than it was before you got involved with the narcissist.

1. Understand that the narcissist is a sick person. That is not an excuse for their behavior, but it is an explanation that will help you release their comments and treatment of you instead of holding on to the pain. Realize that even though their attacks felt very personal, those comments in a narcissistic rage were the acting out of a sick individual who has no skills for true love. The comments they made are not a true assessment or evaluation of who you really are as a person.

2. Spend some time over the next few days or weeks writing in a journal or computer document about hurtful episodes or specific statements he made that keep coming to mind. Write those down. And then look at them as if it was something a stranger said. Usually, narcissists make wild accusations and irrational comments that are meant to cut you off at the knees, make you feel bad about yourself as if you are worthless. But now what I want you to do, is look at a few of those examples you’ve written, and ask how you would have reacted if a stranger said that to you. Most of the time, what you’ll discover is that the comment was completely ludicrous! The power they held over you was in the body language and in the tone of voice they used, and in the way they mocked things that you held dear to your heart. This exercise will help you release all those old hurts and simply let them drift off on the breeze. Don’t continue to repeat his words in your head again and again, puzzling out what he could possibly have meant, because that keeps the pain fresh as if he is still abusing you. What he meant was to hurt you. The words were simply the weapon he used to control and dominate you. By dominating you, he felt more powerful for at least a few moments while you cowered or reacted, and in that power he had a short experience of feeling that he was “all right” instead of the horribly inferior person he believes he is but will never admit to.

3. Get busy, get active with exercise, sports, reading helpful books, going out with friends, learning a new hobby or how to cook a new dish you always wanted to try. Avoid sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and wondering what is wrong with you. Most likely, the narcissist chose you as his or her target because you have so many wonderful qualities they are missing and actually envy you for having. You are probably a very kind-hearted and compassionate person, and the abuser played off that generous spirit of yours, knowing they could count on you to stay and forgive their behavior again and again.

4. Are you still breathing? A relationship with a narcissistic abuser can feel devastating, but notice that you are still alive, and that means there is more for you to do and enjoy in this life, free from abuse. Part of your birthright is that you deserve to enjoy a life that you truly love wherein you make your dreams come true and feel happier than you ever believed possible. You can achieve this switch from victim to victorious by refusing to let the abuser win. Dismiss all those negative things he or she assaulted you with.

5. Every day, repeat this affirmation to yourself several times, out loud if possible so that you hear a voice telling you this: “I do enough, I am good enough, I am enough.” Use the power of positive affirmations to build high self-esteem so that you will gradually replace those old negative statements that you accepted as true just because an abuser said them so often with great authority.

It is not an overnight process to rebuild your self-esteem when you have been repeatedly abused by a partner or parent with narcissistic personality disorder, but don’t give up. Keep your focus on building a life for yourself where you only attract loving people and loving events to you, and you will soon find yourself smiling and enjoying peace of mind and glowing, healthy self-esteem.