It’s not possible in every yard to put a garden obelisks in a spot that gets full-sun all day long. In those cases, use vines that are shade-tolerant to plant around your garden structures. These vines will happily grow and climb up obelisks, trellises, arbors, or pergolas, creating an element in your garden that is part artsy-sculpture, and part plant.

Although there are many vines that grow well in full sun, there are many that are less well-known that will grow well in partial to deep shade. Planted in ideal growing conditions, these vines will quickly cover any freestanding garden structure, like an obelisks, or produce a dense, living screen along a fence line.

In addition to planting them to scramble up obelisks, fast-growing vines are an ideal way to block an unsightly view or create privacy along a property line or outdoor living space.

Dutchman’s Pipe

Hardy through USDA Zone 4, dutchman’s pipe, known botanically as Aristolochia durior, is a tall, vining plant grown primarily for its heart-shaped, deep green, 6-to 10-inch leaves. Its produces mahogany and cream-colored flowers, but they are inconspicuous when they bloom in late spring.

Dutchman’s pipe grows up to 30 feet high in partial shade. It requires a strong trellis because it grows rapidly once it becomes established in your garden. Dutchman’s pipe withstands pollution well and is rarely bothered by pests or diseases.

Evergreen Smilax

A fast-growing evergreen vine, smilax, or Smilax lanceolata, grows up to 30 feet high, under ideal growing conditions. It grows equally well whether planted in sun or shade. A

fast-growing vine, it is know for quickly covering its support structure with its lance-shaped, deep green, glossy leaves.

Its flowers bloom from April to July and have a jasmine-like odor. Quarter inch, blackish-red berries mature in the plant’s second year of life. Evergreen simlax is hardy in USDA Hardiness Zones 6 through 8.

Climbing Hydrangea

A deciduous vine growing up to 60 feet high, climbing hydrangea, also known botanically as Decumaria barbara, isn’t a true hydrangea at all. Its common name comes from its white flowers, which are in broad, flat clusters, similar to those of hydrangeas.

Climbing hydrangea has aerial roots, which attach it to its support structure. These aerial roots are necessary for the plant to produce flowers. Climbing hydrangeas grow best in full sun to partial shade with rich, moist soil.

These are just a few vining plants that are suitable for growing on garden obelisks, trellises, arbors, and pergola in partial shade sites.

Copyright Sharon Sweeny, 2011

My adult daughter and I were having a conversation recently where she was telling me things about her work that frustrated her and she said, “Dad, don’t take this the wrong way, but my generation is just so much smarter than yours!”

I love it, don’t you?! I’m sure some of you are incredulous, but I think it’s very telling of this generation. She went on to clarify that her main point about her generation being smarter related to technology. And, in that regard, virtually all of us Boomers have to agree! The Millennium generation grew up surrounded by technology most of us Boomers never dreamed of as children. They’ve also grown up during a period of rapid technological growth, so they’re used to learning new skills and becoming comfortable with innovations quickly and easily.

There’s a large body of information out there already about the generational differences in the workforce today, and much being said about how each group works, learns and thinks. Focusing on those differences, managers are looking at how to change the way they train their workforce in order to accommodate some of those differences in learning and working styles. I’d like to discuss how we could better invest in training and including this incredible group of young people called the Millenium generation, to take advantage of their strengths.

There are several key factors to consider when talking about investing in Millennials:

• Millennials are estimated to be a larger group than the Baby Boomer generation
• They are alleged to be coachable and very open to being mentored
• Organizations have finally embraced “coaching” as a key strategic initiative

If we’re right about this generation being so coachable and open to mentoring – and I believe we are – then we have not only an incredible opportunity, but also an undeniable obligation to take what we’ve learned about being UnCommon Leaders and pass it on. This is our next great generation of leaders. If they want to learn and are willing to be coached, let’s step up and begin the training so that when they’re ready we can pass the torch to their generation.

If your company has not embraced coaching as a strategic initiative, then it’s time to consider it. There is a whole generation of employees that actively seek coaching and mentoring. They thrive on it. Why waste that drive to learn and grow to be more productive?

Does your organization have an intentional, focused effort to develop this next generation of UnCommon Leaders™?

Onward & Upward!

These days, I find the lines are blurred between school and Real Life. Student life often means spending a cozy evening with your computer or heading to the boardroom for an on-site lesson.

Even traditional campus life has been redesigned for grown-ups. On September 5, 1999, the New York Times Magazine carried a story about life in the New Dorms that look like yuppie condominiums, complete with carpeting and what the Times calls “adult-sized refrigerators.”

Meanwhile, a lot of grown-ups who are old enough to remember typing their term papers are still living like students. Books, magazines and loose stacks of paper are strewn everywhere. A Real Student secretly misses bricks and boards, although today they cost more than particle board shelves and are impossible to move.

When I lived in Alaska, I realized there was no point in buying Real Furniture. You could equip a ten-room house for the cost of shipping the contents of a studio apartment to the Lower 48.

I ended up buying a couch from a graduating student and adding an extra futon to the Bedroom Set. In my next job, I fully intended to do the same until a colleague observed, “Isn’t there a time in your life when you stop buying used couches from students?”

A friend had a similar experience when she visited a Real Furniture Store seeking bookshelves. The salesperson showed her a nice unit for $450. Seeing that my friend was about to pass out, the salesperson explained, “This is a piece of furniture that you will be proud to display in your home.”

My friend left the store in a daze. Somehow, she explained later, she had never thought of bookshelves as furniture.

Still, I see progress. A friend called to say he bought a house because he was tired of living like a student and was ready to grow up. He was forty-five at the time.

I myself have acquired some Real Furniture, including the Beautiful New Couch I bought twelve years ago. And I once had a grown-up lawn, thanks to my lawn service person, who was a student.

We will never succeed completely. My friend with the house just called to say that his two cats have shredded most of the trappings of his adult life.

I understand perfectly. My Beautiful New Couch has served as a place for me, my house-sitters and my guests to take naps, and the dog has carried out extensive performance tests on each cushion.

I haven’t been a student but the Beautiful New Couch has gone through a reverse graduation: it looks far more exhausted than its predecessor — the couch I bought fifteen ago, from a student.

For serious advice about moving, download Making the Big Move.

We all live in this world surrounded by our own particular desires and needs. All of us however are subject to the same triumphs and defeats. Growing up today and managing our lives in adulthood poses the same trials and challenges as would have been experienced in any bygone century. No matter what we go through in our lives, every one of us is capable of experiencing the same feelings that another has been through regardless of personal finances or social status.

People who have been affected by the chronic chemical addiction suffered by a parent possess psychological damage that is unique to the adult child of an alcoholic. The damage exhibited by an adult child of an alcoholic can be equivalent to a form of child abuse as the adult child lives with deep feelings of guilt, shame and low self worth. It is important that they seek help in the form of psychological counselling to help them to make sense of their jumbled thought patterns and early established dysfunctional behaviour.

Many people who have grown up in homes affected by alcohol addiction have become successful in their particular fields of endeavour. The adult children of alcoholics are not automatically doomed to low paying jobs or to be found with substandard educational achievements. Many of them will be in this category just as in any stratum of society but unfortunately wherever an adult child of an alcoholic succeeds it can be seen that they will have all the dysfunctional symptoms particular to their condition expressed in some other area of their lives.

There are many avenues of help for people who have grown up living with alcohol addicted parents. Many will look for help after years of confusion and self doubt have driven them to despair. Counselling is usually the first professional choice for many. Counselling provides a safe place to express the inner feelings and confusing thoughts to a person who is non judgemental as adult children of alcoholics are people who have a very hard time dealing with rejection. During their formative years they will have suffered greatly from a parent who continually would reject them. They would be rejected by the alcoholic parent who would rather give attention to a bottle of whiskey rather than give love to their child who is considered less important.

Counselling is useful on one level and helps the adult child to release many layers of dysfunctional thinking but the next place that they can find solid tools for recovery is called al-anon. This is an off shoot from alcoholics anonymous but the sessions deal with children, adults and loved ones of alcoholics to find healing and recovery. The recovery process is done in group sessions where verbal participation with equally affected members is encouraged but not compulsory. The format for sessions is based on a recovery process using a twelve step program. The first one begins with the phrase: ‘We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable’. This phrase sets the starting premise for recovery and is known to be highly effective when the entire twelve steps are completed. Those who complete the course discover that they are an entirely new person who is released from their former dysfunctional thinking and who are people that possess a deeper understanding of human interaction and that every person should be valued with the respect and dignity that they all deserve.

Building a dynamic small business is a constantly evolving, increasingly demanding role.

It is very easy to get so caught up in the day to day running of our business that we neglect to take the time to look from the outside in to see what we could do to improve our profitability!

Well here are 5 Strategies that could boost your productivity overnight!

They are not rocket science…and you may have even heard some of them before, but they are 5 proven principles that you can review today to help you stay on track regarding the real issues to grow your business from here.

So why don’t you take 15 minutes…make yourself a coffee…and recharge your batteries!

1. Define your Unique Selling Proposition (USP) in one sentence

What is at the heart of your business that makes it unique and attractive for your customers? Summarise your key selling points that make your product or service a ‘must have’ for your clients.

You probably went through this exercise when you first started your business…but have you need to remind yourself regularly why you are doing what you are doing!

New competitors may have emerged and you don’t have that same uniqueness that you once had.

Perhaps it’s time to reinvent yourself and get that edge over the market once again!

2. Identify Who Your Target Market Is

When you first started your business, you knew exactly who your target market was. Is this market still the same, or have they grown up…or matured in their buying habits.

Has new technology overtaken your ideas?

Just imagine if Video Rental Stores had stubbornly refused to rent DVDs because they were just a Video Store! Your market may have changed, and you may need to reassess who you are trying to reach.

Your original target market have grown older since you began and if you are still promoting your products or service to this same group – their needs may be different!

3. Would you like Fries with That?

McDonalds have made an additional fortune by training every one of their sales force to ask one simple question with every order: ‘Would you like fries with that?’

I went to buy a tube to fix my daughter’s bike puncture the other day, and instead of just selling me a new tube, the smart salesman in the Bike Shop enquired quite genuinely if I had the right tools to fix it.

I didn’t – but of course he did…so he cleverly added value to my shopping experience, and added extra profit to his bottom line.

What service or product can you offer to people to make their original purchase with you even more worthwhile?

4. Establish where your clients go before and after they visit you?

If you can determine this, then you can add instant profits to your business.

Just imagine if you owned a Real Estate business. Wouldn’t it make sense to have a Settlement Agent in house? And what about a Mortgage Broker? Or even a Removalist Company?

Perhaps you could rent out a large Furniture Trailer with your company name emblazoned all over it!

Ask yourself the same question and you can start incorporating other services that complement your existing business and watch the profits grow!

5. Ask your existing customers for referrals

If you are providing an excellent product or service, then your biggest fans will be your existing customers.

Why not offer them an incentive to put you in touch with people just like them who would also benefit from your services?

It doesn’t have to be anything really expensive…maybe even just a 10% discount off their next purchase from you.

I referred some friends to a Mortgage Broker a few months ago…and had forgotten all about it…until last week I received 2 movie tickets in the mail thanking me for the gesture.

A $20 investment leaves a nice impression in my mind that will probably make me think of him again when my next friend asks me if I know of a good Mortgage Broker!

Make sure you get Part Two of this article for another 5 Strategies to improve your small business success!

Our book club picked “The Weird Sisters,” By Eleanor Brown as the book to read last month. Personally, I thought that it could have been slightly condensed into a short story, but it was a good read considering the family dynamics of the three sisters, each playing a part in the psychological “birth order theory” and I suppose a psychologist would have more preferred the book for its nuance than a regular reader that didn’t have siblings to grow up with. Let’s talk.

In the book the dad of the three sisters was a Literary Teacher, he named his kids after Shakespearian characters, plus or minus, variations of character names if you will. When he spoke to his daughters he used Shakespeare quotes, which made it tough to get a good read on what he was saying, and that made growing up a little different from a normal family – what’s normal right? Yes, imagine growing up in a family like that.

Interestingly enough the author of the book wanted to name it “Trinity” at first, 3-daughters, and use Biblical Quotes as the man would have been a preacher, she decided not to because that might limit the books marketability and audience. I had wondered while reading the book; what if the dad was a General quoting Sun Tzu, Karl Von Clausewitz, Machiavelli, Winston Churchill, Eisenhower, Schwatzkoff, and Rommel? Or, what if the dad was a physicist quoting all sorts of equations, mathematics, and quotes from Einstein, Hawking, Sagan, Arthur C Clarke, Feynman and other notables in science?

That too would have made a nice book, or short story, maybe a series would be good, kind of like Sue Grafton with her books A-Z strategy? Or like Ben Bova the science fiction writer writing about each planet in his stories?

This book generated lots of thoughts at our book club as everyone related it to their lives, their siblings and how they and their brothers and sisters had grown, perhaps fit the birth order stereotypes or not. Would I recommend this book to other book clubs? Yes, yes I would, but beware, not everyone is going to like it, and it will bring up your own baggage of growing up, family dynamics, after all, as I said “what’s normal” and are any families really normal, thankfully not is the way I see it. I hope you too will enjoy this book and then think on it.

Grown-up Nigerians, and Igbos in particular, know the loving intensity with which Professor Austine S.O. Okwu did his job as a Nigerian diplomat between 1961 and 1967. Fearless and outspoken, on several occasions he stood up for Nigeria, challenging and fending off her detractors.

Although not as widely known as it should be, Austine Okwu had a guiding hand in the pottery of African unity and the formation of the Organization of African Union, the OAU. At least this was my understanding on reading a subsection of his book, In Truth for Justice and Honor: A Memoir of a Nigeria-Biafran Ambassador.

If the interpretation stands, then such a revelation in my understanding of African history (which, candidly speaking, is next to nil), must for the sake of posterity be pursued to conclusion.

Discussion over the phone being quickly ruled out, I arranged to see the Professor at his house to clarify certain elements, especially the OAU aspects of the book.

He suggested Saturday, 2 pm, and I agreed.

When I arrived, parked my gray Honda next to the curb and swiveled my head over my shoulder, the Professor was warming up on the front deck under the New Haven, Connecticut sun rays.

When you ascend a kola nut tree, an Igbo proverb reminded me, get all the nuts you need because trees of kola nut caliber are seldom climbed. In prompt agreement I changed my mind, deciding to extend the interview to accommodate the Nigerian-Biafran civil war era.

He led me through the front door to a small foyer. To the right was a mid-size living room, appropriately furnished for a ninety-two year old retired diplomat and his wife, and bearing witness to countless gifts from loving relatives and well-wishers.

‘Anselm, my dear, please take a seat,’ he said, leading me further into the heart of the living room.

Beckoning me was my favorite sitting location, the middle segment of a three-seater black leather sofa against the wall by the window. On a sturdy brown table in front of me, I placed a copy of the book and the latest versions of my corrected articles, Part I and Part II.

The Professor sat on a single sofa to my right. As we talked he frequently cleared his throat. “I am not feeling well today; I have been in bed all day. If I hadn’t promised, I would have canceled. But I love to see you. Once we are done, I will get back to bed. But I am happy to see you, my son Anselm.”

Did you take any medicines, I inquired?

“I do not like medicine, unless, of course I get sick. My body will heal itself. I am doing better. Will you take ginger ale or water?”

“No, Prof. Thanks.”

Both of us avoid food and soda like middle-aged men avoid discussing ageing. We went on uninterrupted.

I had not made a written list because the questions were hot in my brain, like freshly baked meat pie out of an oven.

“Ask any question you want,” he said, reading my mind. My brain mulled, considering how to begin.

Some men do solicit questions only to frown when a hard one is thrown. Not Professor Austine Okwu. Because he loves to teach, he relishes questions of any difficulty. Naturally the caption ‘Saving the OAU’ in his book led the barrage.

Saving the Addis Ababa conference and the OAU

‘Do you really believe that you had a hand in the formation of the Organization of African Unity, OAU? If so, how come your name is not in all the African history books? Many men became legendary for doing far less… ‘ A mutual guffaw erupted to fill the last words.

‘I did not say exactly that in my book’, countered Austine, his guffaw yielding to a smile and ending with clearing his throat.

‘But that was my conclusion after I read the passage many times over.’

‘Find the page in the book where I talked about my contribution to the OAU.’

On his insistence, I seized the book from the table, turned hurriedly to page 136 and read over the sectioned captioned, ‘Saving the Addis Ababa conference and the OAU.’ The essential sequence of the section is laid out below.

Emperor Haile Selassie

African States were divided into two ideological camps, mainly by their approach to fighting their common imperial enemy. One camp favored dealing with the oppressors with kid gloves. The other camp wanted the imperialists gone forthwith, without delay. ‘A divided Africa is a devil’s launching pad,’ said Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, and he called a meeting to unite the two warring camps, a total of thirty-one independent States. Julius Nyerere smelt an opportunity.

Julius Nyerere, Tanzania, Dar es Salaam, May 1963

President Nyerere, from the ‘kick the oppressors out now’ camp, saw the Emperor’s meeting as a good opportunity to bring in freedom fighters from areas of Africa still under colonial rule. He called a meeting of all diplomats serving in Dar es Salaam, a total of ten African heads of mission.

‘Tell the leadership of your countries,’ said Nyerere, ‘to allow freedom fighters to be part of the May meeting.’ For emphasis Nyerere repeated, ‘Our brothers who are still fighting colonial oppression must come to the meeting.’

Diplomats did what diplomats usually do; listen, take notes, and keep mute. Say thanks for the time spent, the food eaten, and friendship built and then report back to their home country.

All but one nodded approval at Julius Nyerere’s directives. Soon enough the lone dissenter spoke. ‘Inviting the freedom fighters, Mr. President, may set off a Pandora’s Box and scuttle the meeting,’ opined the young Nigerian diplomat. Forthwith, Nyerere signaled an aide to detain S.O.

Austine S.O. Okwu detained by President Julius Nyerere

Challenging senior diplomats after hours at local restaurants is brave enough, but dissenting with an African Head of State at a conference is always an error of judgment. Unless, of course, your name is Austine, in which case innate tact, guts, and shrewdness clasp your decision making muscles.

Alone in detention, Austine was in a quandary. Did my magic charm work? And if it did why did they detain me?

‘Your position once more on the freedom fighters and the Addis Ababa Conference, Mr. Austine?’ asked the President.

‘I foresee problems, Mr. President. Inviting the favorite freedom fighters to the meeting would mean that other Heads of State would invite their own favorite freedom fighters, some of whom are fighting rival Heads of State. These actions may scuttle the Addis Ababa meeting.’

With one hand cupping a narrow chin, Nyerere contemplated how a fragile conference could burst into flames. Two possible outcomes: Risk ruining the meeting or risk disappointing the freedom fighters.

He huddled with a confidant. After a few minutes ticked by, he emerged and capitulated.

‘Thank you, Mr. Okwu,’ said the President, ‘you are a true African patriot, and your judgment may well have saved the Addis Ababa conference.’

Memos went out to the other diplomats: freedom fighters’ attendance is off the table. The Addis Ababa conference went on, the two rival camps came together and the Organization of African Unity (OAU) was born.

So did S.O. really save the OAU?

Having reached some resolution on the OAU matter, our dialogue examined events surrounding the Nigerian-Biafran civil war, 1967-1970: Was Kaduna Nzeogwu really an Ibo? Did Austine meet the legendary Aguyi Ironsi? Did the Igbo condemn the January 1966 coup that ended the life of the Prime Minister, Tafawa Balewa, and many iconic northern leaders? Why did the Prime Minister of Great Britain, Harold Wilson, not lean on Northern Nigeria to stop the civil war? Did the Yoruba tribe speak up against the war? From where did the fear of Igbo domination of that era come? And so forth.

All my questions and the Professor’s answers will be presented in the fourth part of my article.

In 1963 rock ‘n’ roll was, well…rolling right along. But very soon, almost overnight it seemed, a wave of change was about to take place. From across the Atlantic in merry-old England, rock ‘n’ roll had gained a foot-hold and the epidemic had infected British youth all throughout the United Kingdom. The sound was very similar in many ways, but there was something different, something more grown-up about it. Whatever it was, American kids, (especially girls), jumped all over it. At first, just a unique sound, this music, along with the bands that created it, would grow, evolve, alter, and forever effect pop music. This musical movement would create new genres of music and influence thousands.

Four lads from Liverpool, England, “The Beatles”, led the way and would be at the fore-front of it all. Not only of other British bands but of the entire musical arena through the ’60’s and into the ’70’s. Songs like ‘Please, please Me’, ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’, and ‘Hard Days Night’, had teenage girls swooning, crying and fainting. Not since Elvis Presley, with his great-looks, unmistakable voice, and gyrating hips, was there such a spectacle. The older folks were properly disgusted but could do nothing. The Beatles, along with bands with names like “The Zombies”, “The Animals”, “The Kingsman”, “The Hollies”, “The Kinks”, and the “Rolling Stones”, had taken the U.S. by storm. Then there were the songs, tunes like the Hollies melodic, ‘Bus Stop’ and the fast-paced, hard rocking, ‘You Really Got Me’, by the Kinks were giving fans more of a variety in the their choice of style, which led to the growing appeal. In 1965, lead guitarist for the Rolling Stones, Keith Richards, hit 15 unforgettable guitar cords at the start of ‘Can’t Get No,(Satisfaction), and a No. 1 classic was born. The song was also an example of how more sexually explicit lyrics were becoming.

The Rolling Stones were a prime example of bands that were starting to follow this pattern. Not just the Brits though. American band, the “Doors” with lead singer, Jim Morrison at the helm were considered very racy. And Morrison’s onstage antics were becoming something of legend, getting him arrested at a few shows.

Besides a moral curve, America was changing fast, ‘growing up’ so to speak. Of course, growing pains came with this in the form of the sudden death of a young and popular president, an often violent civil rights movement, an unpopular war, and a growing distrust in the government. Bands like the Beatles and the Hollies, who had started out as youthful and kind of giggly, were now grown-up and singing about the issues of the day. The Who’s smash, ‘My Generation’, spoke to the ever-growing gap between the younger hip generation and the old fogies, who refused to let go of their old ways. The Beatles ‘Revolution’, was a glaring anti-government and anti war anthem. The British invaders were beginning to branch out into different directions. The Beatles on a more self-aware, love yourself and others theme, while the Rolling Stones went their way toward a harder sound. Right at the close of the ’60’s, a late arrival to the invasion would appear with a hard rock and psychedelic sound that would appeal to present and future lovers of this hard driving sound. The group was Led Zeppelin. With high-noted and charismatic lead singer Robert Plant, and guitarist Jimmy Page at the helm, Led would entice and delight with sexy and off the wall lyrics and yes….that unmistakable sound that got your attention and would not let go.

So alas, the music that came to us from across the pond and the artist that brought them, delighted us, made the girls scream, changed the music, and influenced present, future, musicians and artist. Oh, and yeah, maybe corrupted us a little along the way. It came, conquered, and never left. Probably never will.

When is the last time you did something nice for yourself? Has it been months, possibly years? In order for you to love others, you must first love yourself. A way to increase your self-worth is to make yourself a priority. This may seem foreign to some women. Many of us have been taught to put everyone else’s needs before ours. We were taught certain beliefs in our childhoods that we have carried with us into adulthood. Without realizing it, these beliefs have shaped our behaviors as adults. We picked up on certain things and learned certain things based on who we grew up around and what we were exposed to. For example, if you grew up seeing your mother fix everyone’s plate first and she always ate last, then you may have grown up to believe that you are always supposed to eat last. I’m not saying whether that is right or wrong, it was just an example to show how our beliefs affect us. Whatever we were taught is what we have come to believe and it shows up in our lives. If you did not grow up seeing or having examples of women loving themselves and taking care of themselves, then you probably don’t do that. Try to become aware of why you don’t or have not made yourself a priority. Having some understanding of whom or what may have helped create your beliefs positively impacts you.

Self-love is an absolute must. Putting yourself first is good for you and everyone around you. The better you feel, the better your energy. That good energy spreads to other areas of your life. It’s never too late to make a change. What brings you joy? What makes you feel good inside? Do you have a hobby that you always enjoyed but put on the backburner? Think about the things that make you smile or that get you excited just thinking about them. It could be anything. For some women, it may be dancing. For some, it may be painting. For some, it may simply be reading a good book. Whatever it is for you, try to get back to that in some way. Take time out for yourself. Give more to yourself. When you’re happy on the inside, it radiates on the outside. Putting your energy into something that you really like, love or feel good about makes you feel good. When you feel good, you are more confident. There’s nothing like a confident woman who knows her self-worth.

Today’s women are doing it all. We all get caught up in our busy lives but we deserve time to ourselves. We deserve time to unwind and do something to rejuvenate ourselves. Whether it’s going to the spa, getting your hair done, a massage, etc., the point is to do whatever makes you feel good. Love yourself. Even just dedicating an hour of quiet time to yourself could be how you give to yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and making yourself a priority. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You deserve that.

Living in a violent family affects children in characteristic ways. In my therapy practice I have worked with many individuals and couples who have grown up with violent parents. I have learned that family violence, even when not directed at children, causes deep emotional damage. It produces adults who have difficulty forming, maintaining and regulating intimate relationships.

In violent families personal space is routinely invaded. A feeling of fear pervades the household and everyone is affected. The children grow up unable to set personal limits. They expect their boundaries to be disrespected. They have trouble honoring their own needs and desires and feel personally affronted by the needs and desires of others.

Violent families make anger dangerous. Witnessing violence among their loved ones causes children to grow up fearing their own anger and so they suppress it, becoming alienated from their own normal feelings. Other people’s anger is also threatening because it could explode into harmful violence. This produces an inability to tolerate conflict or even differences of opinion. When conflict is seen as dangerous it tends to be avoided. This leads to emotional withdrawal which can quickly devitalize a marriage.

Finally, growing up with violence causes people to confuse intimacy with fighting. In some families conflict is the only connection people have. Children then learn that violence is a way to feel close, to gain attention and to test affection. As adults they will recreate violent scenes in order to have some emotional contact.

We are beginning to worry about the massive quantities and the horrific qualities of violence in the media our children are constantly exposed to. Maybe it’s a valid concern but it’s nothing compared to the effect of real violence in families. And that’s not even counting the bruises!