Living in a violent family affects children in characteristic ways. In my therapy practice I have worked with many individuals and couples who have grown up with violent parents. I have learned that family violence, even when not directed at children, causes deep emotional damage. It produces adults who have difficulty forming, maintaining and regulating intimate relationships.

In violent families personal space is routinely invaded. A feeling of fear pervades the household and everyone is affected. The children grow up unable to set personal limits. They expect their boundaries to be disrespected. They have trouble honoring their own needs and desires and feel personally affronted by the needs and desires of others.

Violent families make anger dangerous. Witnessing violence among their loved ones causes children to grow up fearing their own anger and so they suppress it, becoming alienated from their own normal feelings. Other people’s anger is also threatening because it could explode into harmful violence. This produces an inability to tolerate conflict or even differences of opinion. When conflict is seen as dangerous it tends to be avoided. This leads to emotional withdrawal which can quickly devitalize a marriage.

Finally, growing up with violence causes people to confuse intimacy with fighting. In some families conflict is the only connection people have. Children then learn that violence is a way to feel close, to gain attention and to test affection. As adults they will recreate violent scenes in order to have some emotional contact.

We are beginning to worry about the massive quantities and the horrific qualities of violence in the media our children are constantly exposed to. Maybe it’s a valid concern but it’s nothing compared to the effect of real violence in families. And that’s not even counting the bruises!