Believe it or not, even if many other people know that your spouse is considering a divorce, it tends to come as a bit of a shock to you, at least initially. Why? There are several reasons. First, your spouse rarely lets you in on exactly what he is thinking as it relates to your marriage, particularly when the thoughts are negative. Second, many spouses will try to paint a rosier picture or to soften the blow. And finally, many spouses are just thinking out loud when they talk about your marriage to friends and family. But thinking out loud does not mean that he has made a firm decision.

This sort of beating around the bush leaves you wondering why he won’t just come out with it. Why doesn’t he just tell you that he wants a divorce? Why make you find out about it from others or from finding evidence somewhere else?

Here is how a wife might put this into words: “It’s unbelievable to me that my husband has yet to tell me that he wants a divorce. He has not yet served me with divorce papers. Heck, he hasn’t even moved out officially yet. Yes, he spends some nights with his sister, but he lives with me for part of the time also. Now, I knew that we were having problems. He had even started pricing out his own apartment a couple of months ago, but that came to nothing. I knew that things weren’t great. But I was so shocked when I saw the wife of one of my husband’s partners at the grocery store and she told me that she ‘was sorry to hear about my divorce.’ I gulped hard, but I didn’t let on about how shocked that I was. I just played along. But when I got home, I told my husband about this and he said that he didn’t tell his partner that he was definitely getting a divorce. He says that he was just sharing how rough our marriage has been. I find this hard to believe. The partner’s wife is a pretty smart gal. I don’t believe that she has misunderstood anything. Then I mentioned this to one of my neighbors, who is a good friend, and she indicated that my husband had also confided to her husband that we might be getting a divorce. I confronted my husband about this also and again he said that he has not yet made any decisions. He says that he doesn’t know if we are getting a divorce or not. I don’t get why he is playing games this way. Why doesn’t he just tell me that he wants a divorce? Yes, I will be sad and disappointed. But I would rather he be honest with me than out and out lie. Why won’t he just come out with it? If he wants a divorce, why not tell me? Because honestly, I am going to find out about it anyway.”

I can certainly suggest some reasons. When I was separated (or when my husband was thinking about divorcing and didn’t share this with me for a while,) there were plenty of people who knew more about my husband’s feelings toward our marriage than I did. This always angered me a little because I felt that my husband was betraying confidences and it made me feel as if I were the last to know. But you know what? All those little revelations didn’t amount to a hill of beans. We never got divorced. And none of it ever came to pass.

And I think that a similar situation might be the biggest reason that your husband is not just asking for a divorce. Either he’s not one hundred percent sure that he wants one or he is not yet ready to proceed toward one. And there could be various reasons for this. He could still be open a reconciliation. Or perhaps he is just trying to get his finances in order. Either way, you may have a little time on your side.

If you are still invested in your marriage (or are still interested in saving it,) this can be a big opening. I know that it’s frustrating and somewhat humiliating to hear about your marriage from others. But if you truly want a reconciliation, then you have to place your focus in the right place. You have to put all of the things aside that don’t really matter in the end. And if you can get your marriage back, then this is not going to matter in five years.

Right now, I would place my focus on the fact that, for whatever reason, he has not yet asked for a divorce or filed for one. Who knows his specific reasoning? He might not even know it himself. The point is, if he truly wanted a divorce right this very second, then he would seek one. He hasn’t. For whatever reason, he is holding off. And he hasn’t told you about any divorce plans yet, which tells me that he isn’t quite sure about his wishes and he still cares enough about you to not come forward with something which may not actually happen.

Either way, all of this means that you may have some time. And sometimes, that is a great starting point for which to try to save your marriage. Many wives don’t have that. They’ve been served with divorce papers and their husband isn’t shy about telling them that divorce is one hundred percent what he wants.

I often hear from women who have been hearing excuses from a man who they love dearly but who doesn’t want to commit to them. One very common excuse that a man will give is that he is scared of a commitment because he never wants to get a divorce.

I heard from a woman who said: “my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years. I know that he loves me and I adore him. I want to get married. It’s time. But he is reluctant. He says that he has no problem living me for the rest of his life. But he is concerned about commitment because he doesn’t want to ever get a divorce. I guess he watched his parents go through a very nasty divorce in which both kids were pulled in opposite directions. He said it was a nightmare that he would never want to repeat ever again. So he is content to live with me like we are married but he doesn’t want the official commitment of marriage. What can I do?” I’ll try to answer this question below.

Know That There’s Some Powerful Statistics Behind His Concerns: Believe me, I completely understand why you are frustrated. But, just for a second, try to look at this from his point of view. Over half of all couples who get married today will end up divorced. And frankly, some of the couples who remain married are very miserable within that marriage. So, this woman’s boyfriend had some pretty powerful statistics on his side. He wasn’t just making this up. These figures are real and the numbers are rising. So, it’s understandable that, as child who went through one of these divorces, he would be motivated by fear and by avoidance.

And although it’s a common misconception that this is just an excuse, this can be a very valid concern that doesn’t have anything to do with his feelings for this woman. He very willingly told her that he would spend the rest of his life with her. But to him, marriage represented the possibility of divorce and this represented the very real possibility of pain. So it was important that she remained calm so that her future actions would not contribute him associating their relationship with pain, since that was the last thing she wanted.

Don’t Try To Tell Him That He’s Wrong Or Being Unreasonable: It’s a very normal inclination to tell him that he is overreacting or seeing problems where none exists. What you must understand is that this pain is extremely real to him. When he thinks about divorce, all of a sudden he is that scared little boy who felt as if he had to choose between his parents. You do not want to minimize this. You do not want to insinuate that he imagined it or made it worse than it was because he was there and you were not. Instead, be very sympathetic. Offer him comfort. And don’t diminish what he went through.

Don’t Tell Him That Your Relationship Will Be Different. Show Him Instead: Many women in this situation will attempt to talk their way out of it. They will try to tell their man why their relationship is different and why you will never get divorced. The thing is, he knows that you are going to say anything to change his mind and actions are so much more powerful than words. Rather than trying to argue that your relationship is different, show him instead. Show him that yours is a very healthy relationship that is very different than the relationship of his parents. Show him that you resolve conflict in a very healthy and loving way. Over time, he will come to know that you relate to each other in very different and in much more positive ways than his parents.

Because the only way to overcome his fears is to show him that there is really nothing to be afraid of. And this will sometimes take a bit of time, love, and patience. But if his experience has shown him a loving partner with whom he can solve any problem, then he will often come to realize that his fears are unfounded. And your love, reassurance and patience will mean a lot to him and go a long way towards easing his fears.

I sometimes hear from women who tell me that although their husband has been saying that he wants a divorce, they’re beginning to feel a little bit of hope that he might be coming around and changing his mind, at least just a little bit. I often hear comments like “I’m starting to suspect that maybe my husband isn’t so sure that he wants the divorce anymore. He’s starting to act a bit differently and more receptive to me, but I’m scared to ask him about this because I don’t want for him to back off. Are there any signs that I can look for that might indicate that he doesn’t really want a divorce anymore?”

There can be some signs that signal that he’s conflicted or unsure about the divorce. These vary from man to man and from relationship to relationship. But, I’ll discuss some of the more common signs in the following article. And I’ll also offer some suggestions about what to do if you’re seeing these signs.

Sign Number One: He’s Affectionate, Interested, Or Attentive: Men who have one foot out the door and are sure they want a divorce are usually looking forward and so they close themselves off from their wives because they fully believe that she will soon become his ex wife. So, it’s somewhat unusual to see a husband who wants or has filed for a divorce remain at least physically or sexually interested in his wife. Sure, many men are courteous and try to remain present in family life because it benefits every one to be cordial.

But men who are starting to have doubts about the divorce will sometimes take this a few steps further. You’ll feel attentiveness or a little spark that perhaps you haven’t felt for quite some time. Most wives suspect that they can feel this difference. If you are feeling it, just continue to see if you can build upon it without making such a big deal that it scares him or gives him pause.

Sign Number Two: He Doesn’t Seem To Be Looking Forward Or Taking Any Initiative To Move On: When a man is sure that a finalized divorce is going to be on the horizon, he’ll typically begin rearranging his life with this in mind. He’ll get a separate bank account, begin looking for another place to live, and generally try to get his affairs in order because he knows that all of these things are going to be necessary in the near future.

But, a man who isn’t really sure what his future holds might drag his feet toward these things or not complete them at all. Now, some men are just procrastinators who don’t make changes until they absolutely have to. And, you know whether or not your husband falls under this category. But, wives who suspect that their husband is moving slowly because he’s having doubts will generally see other signs that help to confirm this.

Sign Number Three: You Get The Sense That He’s Constantly Reevaluating You (And Perhaps The Marriage) And Wondering Whether A Divorce Might Be A Mistake: Men who are sure that they want a divorce because it’s the right thing to do or is the appropriate answer may second guess themselves at first, but most who go through with the divorce find their resolve somewhere along the way relatively quickly.

Men who are doubting the divorce will often show their internal struggles with this decision externally. They might actually verbalize questions for you that are meant to test you or the relationship in order to help them decide if the divorce really is a mistake. I’ve had wives tell me that their husband has literally made comments like “I hope we don’t regret this divorce or figure out later that it was a mistake.” Sometimes, instead of directly addressing the break up, they’ll instead take a walk down memory lane and say things like “we really did have some fun together didn’t we?” Or “I want you to know that I really will always care for you.”

What To Do If You Think Your Husband Doesn’t Really Want A Divorce: There’s no question that the idea of your marriage being over is a hard reality to deal with. So, it’s understandable that you may be tempted to immediately go and straight up ask him if he really wants a divorce or if he’s really going to go through with this.

I would recommend rethinking this strategy, at least for a little while. If your husband is struggling right now with this decision, pushing too hard may cause him to pull away. In my experience, it’s often a better idea to just build upon whatever “ins” he gives you. If he’s becoming more receptive and more interested, then follow up and build upon that without putting more pressure on the situation or trying to define it. Because it’s possible that he’s unsure right now. So, you want to wait to ask the question until it’s obvious what the answer is going to be.

Sometimes, I get emails from confused wives who ask me things like “my husband is saying he wants a divorce.  How do I know that he’s really serious, that he really and truly wants the divorce, or whether he’s just playing mind games or trying to get the upper hand?” The honest answer to this question is that in truth, you can’t possibly know the definitive answer to this question – at least not with 100% certainty.  Unfortunately, it’s not possible to read your husband’s mind, and, even if you could, sometimes people don’t admit the truth – even to themselves. 

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that your husband’s communicating that he wants or is planning for a divorce gives you a bit of an advantage that many wives don’t have.  I can’t tell you how many wives contact me when they’ve already received divorce papers or who have ignored the first discussions about divorce and now are very sorry that they did.  So, you do have that early tip off that many never get.  I’ll discuss how to best handle this wake up call in the following article.

Whether His Saying He Wants A Divorce Is A Mind Game Or Not, Take It Seriously: Many women will tell me “I feel like all this divorce talk is meant just to get my attention or to make me back down on some issue that we’re fighting over.”  Of course it is.  If your husband didn’t care about getting your attention or getting some reaction or response, he would’ve just served you with divorce papers rather than communicating with you about it before hand.  This may not feel like a courtesy or an advantage to you right now, but I can assure you that it is.

Many times, this conversation is a last ditch effort that a husband will make – often in the hopes of getting some change or positive reaction.  In essence, he’s trying to get a feel to see if you’re willing to fight for the marriage or if you’re going to keep denying that something is seriously wrong or keep up with the negative status quo.

Sure, he may well be playing mind games or trying to get the upper hand, but calling his bluff is never the best idea.  Doing this will only ensure that you become more distant from each other, more frustrated, and you have to keep pulling out bigger stops to make an impact.  Eventually, this will reach the point of no return where it will be very hard for your marriage to recover.

So, although you may well feel like telling your husband to stop with all this divorce talk, don’t. See this for the heads up and wake up call that it is.  He’s crying out for your attention.  Give it to him.  Take this seriously.  Sit down and calmly talk about this so that it doesn’t escalate.  Doing so can help to ward off a lot of further damage and pain.

How To Handle It When He Says He Wants A Divorce: Regardless of what has happened in the past, today is a new day.  You have the power to change the outcome of this with your actions and you must believe this to be true. But, you aren’t going to get there if you’re both digging in your heals and being indignant.  At this time, being “right,” is less important than being happily married.

Winning the argument or “not giving him the satisfaction” of seeing your concern may feel good short term, but having a genuinely close and loving marriage feels a whole lot better.  Resist the urge to throw up your hands and argue, debate, or be confrontational.  Don’t challenge your husband or tell him that he’s wrong.  He’s not going to react the way that you ultimately want him to if you do this.  You’re far better off if you validate his feelings and show concern for him.  Now, you may feel like you’re being asked to make all of the concessions or to “give in” to him. It may feel like that initially.  But, try not to think of it this way. Try to think of it as giving a little, but potentially getting a lot in return.

It’s best to agree that the marriage is not satisfying to you either and that you deeply regret this.  Tell him that no matter how it ultimately turns out, you’d like to improve the relationship between you.  Tell him that he’s important enough to you that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to part on good terms or to save the marriage – which ever it turns out to be.  It’s important that you don’t come off as desperate or in genuine.  And, it’s important that he’s doesn’t think that you’re only trying to make these concessions because you’re playing games and want a particular result.

Pulling Him Closer Rather Than Pushing Him Away: If you want to save your marriage, you must know that it won’t happen over night.  However,  you can build upon positive daily interactions.  Your real goal is to just interact each time positively rather than negatively.  Because each positive interaction is like money in the bank.  Each one will build on itself until he wants to see more of you and he wants to make his own concessions. This is truly the only way to get two people who are willing to work together to reach a joint goal.

Ultimately, you want to show your husband that the woman he fell in love with – the one who listened to his concerns and valued his happiness – is willing to listen to him and to work with him until you’re both happy and fulfilled as you once were.

A divorce, sometimes referred to as dissolution of marriage is the legal complete separation and division of a marriage. The process usually requires the authorization of a judge or some other legal permit based on different countries and their practices. Annulment is another term that may be used when referring to the breakup of a marriage, however there is a difference. An annulment is when a marriage is declared null and void by a person of law; as in, the marriage was never real to begin with or was never legal.

Dissolution of marriage is not permitted in some places around the world, however they usually allow an annulment to be done based on the circumstances. It is never usually simple and clear cut; especially if there is a child involved and if there are valuable assets.

There are quite a few other legal proceedings that may follow, there may be debate on who is best suited to keep the child (if any), and as such who gets to pay child support. With that also comes the issue of who gets to keep the car, house etc. There may also be a request for spousal support, more commonly known as alimony.

Previous to the 1970s in most states, a couple could not get dissolution of marriage unless there was “grounds” and they had to provide proof. The party seeking the divorce had to provide proof that the other party committed an act that broke a sacred vow; the most frequent cause was infidelity.

Since 1975 most states have adopted the “no-fault” policy, this is where a couple can get a dissolution of marriage, simply based on the fact that they do not want to be married to each other anymore. The commonly used reasons in these cases are incompatibility and irreconcilable differences.

The most practiced type of divorce today is the uncontested one; this is where both parties involved are able to agree on the separation process and the division of assets, usually without the aid of a lawyer or any type of counsel. Counsels are sometimes utilized, but the aim is for each party to come to a reasonable agreement and be able to present it to the court. In this case approval is generally assured. If the parties cannot agree however, they can opt for the court to make the decisions for them as to who gets the child / children and how the assets are split.

Collaborative dissolution is also becoming popular and is very similar to uncontested, however the parties usually need attorneys in order to come to an agreement and there is usually a negotiating process, where each party’s attorney states why their client is the best person to keep whatever asset is in question, who is to keep the children among other things.

If you are a job seeker, you would certainly like to know whether an employer can run a background check on you and look into your divorce records. It is certainly important to learn what private information can be accessed in these records. Find the answers to all of your questions now.

Legal Aspects

The divorce records are available to the public. This means that any person including an employer can look into them without disclosing their name. Generally, employers can check all vital records. It is important to note that the amount of information contained in the records available to the public varies from state to state.

Usually, only the divorce certificates are publicly available. They contain the names of the former spouses and where and when the marriage was legally terminated. In some cases, the divorce decree issued by the court can also be seen by employers and other members of the general public. It includes details on alimony, property distribution, custody, visitation rights and child support.

Disclosure and Consent

In most cases, employers are required to inform job applicants that a background check will be performed on them. They are required to disclose details as well. This means that you will know whether a potential employer will check your divorce records and other vital records including birth and marriage ones. You should keep in mind that employers are typically required to run the check through a specialized agency. Hence, the risk of them coming across false discrediting information is quite low.

Depending on the employment legislation in your state, potential employers may require your consent to run the check. Generally, this is the case in many states. If you do not want an individual or organization to snoop into your vital records, you should not give them your consent to do so. Just keep in mind that background checks have become commonplace and that an employer will most certainly not hire you if you refuse to undergo such a check.

Relevance

While criminal and credit records have relevance to many jobs, this is certainly not the case with divorce records. Employers typically do not care whether you are single, married or divorce. Besides, the laws against discrimination will most certainly prevent them from making a decision on whether to employ a person based on their marital status. Still, the fact that you have been divorced may affect the overall impression that the potential employer has on you.

If you are currently looking for a job, you should certainly go over the divorce records and other relevant public records to confirm that there is no incorrect information about you.

I often hear from wives who are willing to try nearly anything to get their husband to change his mind about wanting or filing for a divorce. Many of these same husbands seem quite sure about their decision and some even go so far as to tell their wives that their mind is made up. Still, many of the wives refuse to give up hope that something is going to happen to turn the tide.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me about four weeks ago that he wanted a divorce. Since that time, he has been looking at apartments and he has consulted a couple of divorce attorneys. It seems that he is totally following through. At times when he seems to be in a good mood, I have approached him and begged him to change his mind. We have a wonderful thing going. We have built a life and a family. I am scared of what a divorce will do to my children. I think that my husband is moving too quickly. We haven’t even tried to save our marriage yet. But every time I mention him changing his mind, he stops me cold. He tells me very directly that the divorce is going to happen and that there is nothing that I can do or say to change that. Many of my friends tell me that he has made his point very clear and that I need to just accept it and give up. My mother says that there is always a chance that he will change his mind eventually. Who is right? Is it even possible for him to change his mind about wanting a divorce?”

It really bugs me when well meaning friends feel so willing to make comments which could affect someone else’s life and their marriage. In my own mind, this is very careless. They can’t possible predict the future and what you really need is their support, not their dire predictions. It’s my own experience that yes, it is totally possible for a husband to change his mind about wanting a divorce. This happened in my own life and I have seen it happen for many other couples. Of course, it certainly doesn’t happen in every case. And it often doesn’t happen through luck or accident. Many times, you need not only determination, you need a plan. I will discuss this more in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That A Man Might Change His Mind About The Divorce: The various reasons that men end up changing their minds are too many to list here. But some common reasons are that he calms down a bit and realizes what a huge (and final) step a divorce really is. Sometimes, he sees some changes in your or in the way that you are interact with one another that he reads as positive or encouraging. Sometimes, he feels as if perhaps he has moved too quickly and perhaps the marriage deserves a second chance. Other times, he’s thinking about the family or about his love for you which still remains.

Sometimes, it is possible for you to get really lucky so that he comes to these realizations on his own. But I think that it’s pretty risky to leave this to chance. It’s my opinion that it’s best to come up with a plan and to set it up that you make it more likely that he will change his mind. I will talk about how to do that below.

Know That He Will Often Change His Mind When He Thinks That Your Situation Or Your Relationship Has Changed: Here is something that you really need to understand. He isn’t all that likely to change his mind if he doesn’t believe that the situation has also changed. Typically, he needs to change his mind about something important – you, your marriage, your problems or your situation – in order for him to change his mind about the divorce.

Often, if you look at the situation objectively, you can see what needs to change. Once this happens, you will need to decide how to change it in the most sincere and genuine way. Because very often, your husband is going to automatically suspect that you are only making changes in order to get him to call off the divorce. So, be very careful and deliberate about what you change. Make sure that you chose something that you can genuinely change for the long term. Because if you can’t, you might only get one chance at this. If he thinks that you are just manipulating him, he is much less likely to give you another chance now or ever.

I recently heard from a wife who was very troubled by the negative cycle she and her husband had been participating in. During a recent argument, the husband had mentioned that maybe they would just be better off if they got a divorce. The wife suspected that he was only throwing this out there to get a reaction out of her. But, she was troubled enough by this that she had begun to explore some of the issues that caused most of their problems.

However, this seemed to only make things worse because every time she brought the issues up, this resulted in additional arguments and, in turn, the husband would bring up the divorce conversation again. The wife told me: “It seems that we’re getting into a very destructive cycle. I’m afraid to bring up many issues because when I do, this results in an argument and when we argue, he’s likely to threaten me with a divorce (which he knows I don’t want.) So, nothing ever gets resolved and I feel like I have to tip toe around him which makes me resentful. As a result, it’s so tense in our house. I’m not sure what to do. Every time I try to speak up, we seem to be repeating the same patterns so that I never gain any real ground.”

I understood that wife’s frustration. This was a difficult situation, but history had shown them that they were going to keep repeating this until someone or something interrupted this process. Sometimes, this means that the divorce eventually takes place. And, other times, this means that one of the spouses stops or interrupts the process by taking action. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Making Your Husband Understand That The Threat Of Divorce Is Only Going To Make Things Worse: Sometimes, I communicate with the husbands in this situation. Many of them tell me that they keep making these threats because they are trying to get their wife’s attention. They want for there to be some lasting change. And at this point, they often don’t know what to do or say to inspire a change or an improvement. Many of them admit to me that they feel guilty about using such threats, but they will often justify it by telling themselves that they have tried many other things before and nothing else has worked.

If you’re the wife on the end of this equation, it can be important to make your husband understand that his threats are only making the situation worse and are making it more likely that no meaningful or positive change is going to take place. I often advise wives to directly address this the next time the husband begins his same predictable script.

An example might be something like: “now that you’re brought this topic up once again, I want to talk with you about this. Your continuing to threaten that you’re going to just divorce me is hurtful and is only making this worse. It keeps us from addressing and working through the real and underlying issues. And it keeps us from being happy together. I know that you’re probably continuing to bring this up because you’re trying to inspire improvement and change. I am more than willing to work with you to make this happen, but you have to know that your threats only make this process more difficult. I’ll make you a deal. I will commit to working with you to make changes if you commit to not threaten our splitting up for an agreed upon period of time. This will allow us to work on our issues without this dark cloud hanging over our heads. Something has to change, but threats and negative promises aren’t likely to get us what we want. Let’s change what we’ve been doing so that we can change the result.”

Setting It Up So That You Both See Improvements And Changes So That No One Needs To Mention Ending The Marriage: At the end of the day, if this couple were able to restore their relationship to a more harmonious one, neither party was going to want or need to talk about ending the marriage. However, one very important thing that the wife needed to understand was that the process of “working” on their marriage had been a very undesirable one for both of them. Actually, every time they tried to “work” on their marriage, an argument was the result and we all knew where that lead.

I asked the wife to consider delaying dragging their issues into the light once again. There was so much tension and resentment in the home right now that I felt it was best to try to reconnect and restore some sort of harmony before they attempted to drag out their troublesome issues. The wife worried that this meant they would never fix their problems, but I would argue that by delaying this process until they were reconnected on some level, they had a better chance of success.

When you try to solve your problems when you are harboring resentment and anger, you’re really not as invested in the process or in the outcome as you should be. Remember when you were first married and you were able to make up quickly because neither of you wanted for anything to get in the way of the fun you were having? Although no one can expect you to revisit that time period, you often can return to a place where you are both connected, invested, and having fun. This will often make the process much easier and more agreeable for everyone.

And, its easier to make changes that are going to last because everyone is enjoying the process. I felt that the wife would hear less of the threats if the atmosphere was one of cooperation rather than one where they were picking apart their problems before they were ready to so do.

I often write about preventing divorce and saving marriages. Often, I chat with women, (but I am sometimes approached by men.) One of the more common questions I get is “How can I convince my husband not to go through with the divorce?,” or “How can I change my husband’s mind about leaving?”  I find that a lot of the time, the women asking this question often want to know many things.  They want to know if they can make real changes themselves when their husband isn’t receptive or has one foot out of the door. 

They also want to know how to bring the spark back in their marriage and they REALLY want to stop feeling like they’ve lost control and are at the mercy of their husband’s thoughts and wants with no real input.  They are tired of talking and saying the same things with the same results. They wish they could find the magic words or write the magic letter that is going to stop all of these talks about divorce.

Here’s the truth.  You can’t really “make” or “convince” someone not to get a divorce. Sure, some can strong arm a man into changing his mind, but this will backfire eventually. There’s a much better way.

Because, if his heart is not truly in it, the issue is going to keep coming up over and over and your husband will not allow himself to be so easily convinced the next time.  The best way to “encourage” your husband to change his mind about a divorce, is not to convince him or manipulate him, but to make him want to stay through your changed actions.

The Wrong Way To Convince Your Husband Not To Divorce You: Here’s what most women do and here’s where they go wrong.  Many women who feel their husband slipping away pull out all of the stops. Nothing is off limits. They go into overdrive and become crazed rather than calm and panicked rather than patient.  They follow their husbands around trying to engage and get any reaction they can (even if it is a negative one.) This only makes the situation worse.

Or, they may try to argue and debate with their husbands or “prove” to him why he is wrong.  Or they try to convince him that if he just understood the real situation. he would realize he is wrong.

Still other wives try to become overly accommodating, telling their husband’s they’ll “do anything” to save the marriage and try to “show” or “prove” to their husbands how much they really love them.

All of these strategies can backfire because they are all using manipulation and worse, they all insinuate that your husband is WRONG and isn’t capable of making a sound decision.

In essence, by trying to convince him that he is wrong about a divorce, what you’re really saying to him is that he can’t evaluate his own feelings, he doesn’t deserve to be truly happy, and his spouse would rather strong arm him to get her own way than truly think about his happiness.

I am not writing this to frustrate you. I just want you to see it from your husband’s point of view. The problem here is that your husband is not feeling validated, and until he has, he’s going to block you and essentially tune out what you are saying.  

The Right Make To Make Your Husband Want To Stay In The Marriage On His Own (No Convincing Involved): Hopefully, I’ve been able to show you that trying to change your husband’s mind or convince him he is wrong without really listening to him is not going to work long term.

So, what is the better way to get your husband to stay in the marriage? In truth, he needs to want to stay on his own. You need for his heart (and his commitment) to be fully present. So, you approach him from a place of validation. You tell him that you are listening intently to what he is saying, want to understand how you help, and value the closeness you once shared (and wouldn’t do anything to compromise it) Then, you agree that you could both stand to work on some changes so that things will be better for both of you. 

You look him right in the eye and tell him that his happiness and the happiness of your family is extremely important to you.  Tell him that you’d like for him to know that you are available if he wants to talk or share with you what would make things better for him.  Tell him you intend to only interact with him positively from now on. He may balk at first, but he will remember this conversation later.

Then, you have to make good on this. Because honestly, he’s not going to believe you at first.  If he’s seriously considering divorce, it’s very likely you’ve both made promises that haven’t been kept.  He’s probably been told things will change when they really don’t.  So, now, you have to SHOW him (with your actions, not with your words) that this is no longer the case.

Getting The Spark Back Will Make A Divorce Much Less Likely: I’d like for you to take a moment and thing about how you treated your husband when you were dating. You probably hung on his very word, placed his happiness high on your list of priorities, and poured a great deal of time into the relationship. This likely resulted in him feeling on top of the world.  And, he probably thought that you could do no wrong.

But, this was lost somewhere. It happens to all of us. We all have responsibilities and priorities that get in the way. However, you must show your husband these two people again. You must always ask yourself if the person you are showing your husband is the one he fell in love with. (We often lose ourselves and replace her with a hurried, distant, hollow version of someone else.) 

But, if you can bring back the woman your husband fell in love with, (in a genuine rather than manipulative way), she’ll do all the convincing with her actions rather than with her words (as she did in the beginning). 

I often hear from spouses who are desperate to save their marriages before the divorce becomes final. Often, their spouse has filed for divorce when ending the marriage is the last thing that they want. And typically, they’re willing to try almost anything to stall, stop, or delay the divorce. They’re desperate to buy some time in order to save the marriage before it’s too late to do so.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband filed for divorce last month. I’m shattered over this. I don’t want to end my marriage. I still love him. I don’t want to break up our family. But, he’s going forward with the divorce even though I begged him to work with me on the marriage and to at least give us a chance. He resists me. He doesn’t listen to me. What can I do to facilitate a reconciliation before it’s too late? He doesn’t seem motivated, but I think I’m motivated enough for both of us.”

Before I could offer her any insights, I needed to know what she had been trying which had not worked. She had basically been trying to remind him how good they’d once been together and bombarding him with messages letting him know that she didn’t want the divorce. She’d taken to calling and texting him excessively, leaving notes in his car, trying to use sex to peak his interest, and making promises and claims that they both knew were repetitive. In short, she was trying to do everything that she could to show him that he could love her again and that the marriage could recover.

However, none of these things were working well. The husband had stopped taking her calls. She suspected that he was deleting her texts without reading them. And, he was pretty much avoiding her at this point. In my observation, this cycle is so very common. The more the motivated spouse tries to convince the other that they really don’t want a divorce, the more likely it is that they stoop to desperate actions. And the more the desperate actions occur, the more the spouse who has filed for divorce only wants for the whole thing to be final as soon as possible.

Your Spouse Likely Already Knows That You Don’t Want A Divorce. What They Don’t Know Is Whether Things Can Change And Improve: Here’s something that I’ve noticed. People will often stress the things that their spouse already knows. I was guilty of this as well. I think we do this because we assume that they aren’t listening. So we feel that we must speak louder and in a more dramatic way to get our point across. So, we make dramatic and impassioned speeches. We repeat ourselves. We figure if we just keep talking or writing, then hopefully, eventually, they will start to pay attention.

But the thing is, they likely already know what you’re trying to repeatedly tell them. They already know that you don’t want a divorce and they likely even realize the negative consequences of a divorce. And sometimes, your spouse begins to see all these attempts as repetitive and disrespectful. So, if you’re still trying to drive this point home, you likely don’t need to.

But what can help is to show your spouse that their perceptions may be wrong in some areas. For example, they may think that the connection between you can’t be reignited. They make think that the negative rut that you’ve fallen into will never improve or change. They may think that their life would be healthier and happier without you in it. These are the points that you need to address and place your focus upon.

Moving From Desperate To Deliberate When You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage Before The Divorce Is Final: I often advise people to do their best to objectively look at their actions to determine if they are coming off as desperate. This can be quite hard to admit. But, it’s important because desperation is rarely attractive and it rarely improves your situation. I know very well that the wife in this situation was hoping for some miracle plan that was going to make her husband suddenly see the light and ask for an almost immediate and heartfelt reconciliation.

But, the things that she was doing to encourage this were actually pushing him further away. He was being conditioned to suspect that every time they were together, he could anticipate huge dramatic behaviors and speeches. So, he limited his interactions with his wife and put his defensive walls up. And the longer this continued, the less likely it was going to be that he was receptive to his wife.

So, the first order of business was going to be to set it up so that the husband wasn’t putting up his defenses every time he saw her coming. She might sit him down and tell him that although she still didn’t want a divorce and was still hoping for a reconciliation, she was not all that comfortable with her previous behaviors and would be backing off. It might be a good idea to stress that, deep down, what she really wanted was not to lose his friendship and their relationship.

This would let him know that, in the future, he no longer needed to worry that her behaviors was going to sabotage this. This understanding is meant to lessen the tension and to eventually regain her a bit of access to her husband. Because they would never be able to reconcile if he were reluctant and defensive every time they interacted.

Facilitating A Reconciliation By Focusing On The Positive Rather Than Negative: Many people in this situation will fear that they need to solve all of their marital problems very quickly before the divorce is final. This is pretty unrealistic. Not only that, but the idea of “working” on all of your painful issues is not likely to seem all that attractive to the spouse that wants the divorce.

It’s my opinion and experience that you’ll often have more success if you downplay these negative outstanding issues – at least for right now. You want to give them something to look forward to and you want for them to move toward the new, more positive feedback. This isn’t a new concept and it’s based on basic human nature, but so many of us don’t really understand or incorporate these concepts. It wasn’t until I really understood this and I began to change my strategy that I began to see my husband change his attitude and perceptions.

Remember that you don’t want to act or appear desperate. So, while it may be very tempting to take to your home in old ratty sweats playing all of your old sad love songs, don’t. (Or at least don’t let your spouse know about it.) Every time you interact with them, you want to appear upbeat, positive, and busy. And, you want to turn the pressure level and the displays of desperation way down. This sometimes means settling for baby steps. This may mean coffee rather than dinner or just a pleasant conversation before you push for more. You have to crawl before you can walk sometimes. And, this situation is often like that.