If you’re in a Rhode Island Divorce proceeding you’ll be introduced to a form known as the DR-6. This form requires you to provide a variety of financial information. It must be filed in any new divorce proceeding in the Rhode Island Family Courts and most people find it to be one of the more annoying tasks of their divorce.

The DR-6 Form that you MUST file at the time of your Rhode Island Divorce Complaint filing is your Statement of Assets and Financial Obligations. It is usually a single page with front and back that must be completed. The front side of the form contains your assets and income and the back side of the form contains your expenses and your debt. Typically it has been understood that you only put your specific information on this form.

For instance, on the front side of the form, for income you would put your income if you are employed or any income that you receive personally. You would not put down your combined income with your spouse. In a Rhode Island Divorce is it important that the family court judge has a picture of what your income is in the marriage and what assets you have or that you claim an interest in now that your marriage has broken down. This assists the court by giving information that the judge may consider pertinent in making an equitable distribution of the marital estate between you and your husband.

The top portion of the first side of the DR-6 Financial Form / Statement of Assets and Liabilities is typically covered by simply transferring the information from a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly paycheck into the various boxes that match up between the form and your paycheck.

The remainder of the front side of the DR-6 financial form seeks information about health and life insurances, bank accounts and assets such as a the value of your home or other real estate, tangible property, retirement accounts (i.e. 401k, 403b, IRA’s, Pensions) and motor vehicles.

Other than the income portion of the front side of the DR-6 the remainder of the form seeks information that may overlap. For instance, if you have a joint bank account with your spouse you would put this account down and how much is in the account because you both “own” that bank account as an asset. However, it would be wise to note on the form that it is a “joint” bank account. If you are approximating the value of anything, you may wish to put the notation “approx.” beside the number or “best approx.” for your best approximation as to what you believe the value may be.

The reverse side of this necessary form in your Rhode Island Divorce form is the expenses and expenditures information. This provides the information of your current financial picture. In otherwords, specifically what you are currently paying.

The back of the DR-6 form is frequently misunderstood with good reason. Many people fill out multiple columns since there are columns for weekly, bi-weekly and monthly on the form. This happens even though the form indicates that you should select only one column. One column should be selected and everything calculated based upon that single column. Thus, you should calculate everything down to monthly, weekly or bi-weekly . . . whichever works best for you.

The bottom of the form gives a final calculation box the indicates the minimum amount of monies you need to meet your obligations. This is what often confuses clients because it seems to tell them that they should put in everything that they might be responsible for, OR everything that has their name on it as an obligation, OR even a portion of everything they claim to have an interest in that has a payment on it. The fear is that the judge will order the client to pay additional things that they haven’t factored in to their DR-6 form and it will leave the client without monies to pay them.

Rhode Island divorces are hard enough without you having to stress over a confusing form. This form is intended to be updated throughout the divorce process as often as necessary to keep the court up to date regarding the changing financial circumstances of each party. It has been used by Rhode Island family court judges to help make suggestions regarding the equitable distribution of assets as well as a reasonable apportionment of debt between the parties. It is also used to determine income for purposes of child support. The form may also be very useful in determining whether the income and debt obligations between the parties support a possible determination by the court that there should be a deferred sale of the marital home if there are minor children of the parties and the income and assets of the parties is sufficient to sustain the home with the parties residing separately.

The DR-6 form can, and often is, confusing. It is not something that clients truly need to stress over. Just take the time to indicate your current financial picture, give your best approximations where exact figures are not possible and/or the information is not available and make sure you notify your attorney and update the form if your financial picture changes.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

“Mind over matter.” It means how we think about an issue can have a significant influence in how we deal with that issue.

This innocuous phrase is nothing more than a general, feel-good aphorism – unless it is armed with specific, issue-related targets.

And, that’s what we have here: Seven specific, issue-related targets that require you to choose between focusing on the past versus looking to the future.

The perspective you choose will materially affect the success of both getting uncoupled (that is, divorced), as well as recovering from your divorce.

Unfortunately, more often than not, we automatically look at divorce and the divorce recovery process through the lens of a painful past and can only see how frightening the unknown future life after divorce appears to be.

This is where the offer of a mindset shift can save you from years of unnecessary pain.

SEVEN SPECIFIC DIVORCE-RELATED MINDSET ISSUES

Issue 1. Divorce as a Problem to be Solved or a Person to Be Punished?

Do you see divorce recovery as presenting a series of problems to be solved? Or does it present you with a series of opportunities to take revenge on your ex?

Issue 2. Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?

If you had to choose, would you rather be happy? Or would you rather be right? There are no slam-dunk winners in divorce. Are you willing to let being happy be enough? What’s truly more important to you: living a future of happiness or spending your life justifying the “rightness” of your past actions and reactions?

Issue 3. Divorce: Calamity or a Do-Over?

Do you see your divorce as a tragedy or as the gift of another chance to realize happiness and fulfillment? Are you excited at the opportunity to “start over,” but now with the newly gained wisdom earned from your divorce?

Issue 4. Is the Divorce Decree a Personal Affront or an Invitation to Happiness and Contentment?

Do you see the judge’s opinion in the final decree as a disastrous personal indignity, or as an invitation to experience great new things? No one likes all the aspects of a divorce decree. Can you treat the decree as an example of “what is,” or do you prefer to see it as a loss of “what could have, or even should have, been?”

Issue 5. The Divorce Kaleidoscope: A Broken Picture of the Past or New Way to See Your World?

If you looked at your divorce through the eyes of a kaleidoscope, do you see an exciting new way to observe your future, or do you see a broken picture of how life used to be?

Issue 6. Divorce as a Life Event or Divorce as a Way of Life?

Do you see your divorce as just an event, albeit a traumatic one, in your life? Or, is your divorce a way of life that reflects how you think about yourself and defines who you are?

Issue 7. Do You Look in the Mirror to Remember the Past or Keep Your Eye on the Prize?

Are you willing to keep your eye on the prize: happiness and contentment in the next chapter of your life? Or does divorce provide an opportunity to relive the past and feel sorry for yourself? After the initial disappointment has passed, where will you put your energy? On a hopeful future or an unpleasant past?

FOCUS ON PAST OR FUTURE?

Each of the seven mindset issues presents a choice between holding on to the past versus looking to the future. Living in the past prepares a place of torment for you. Rather than accelerating through your recovery, you end up stalled on the side of the road in divorce purgatory with only your intimate nightmares of divorce to keep you company. The bottom line? The choice is yours, and yours alone.

ACTION STEPS

1. What to think: happiness and contentment are only a shift in mindset away.
2. What to feel: relief that you don’t have to carry the past along with you 24/7.
3. What to do: reframe your memories of bad divorce experiences into visions of good for the future.

Warning: Just because it sounds simple to do doesn’t mean it is easy.

Probably one of the most common emails or requests that I get on my blog is women who write something like, “Help! My husband wants a divorce.  What can I do to change his mind before it’s too late? I can’t get through to him because he’s acting distant and won’t talk to or listen to me.”  These women desperately want to save their marriages, but their husbands are blocking all attempts at reconciliation and are basically shutting them out.  I have seen this formula so many times and I know first hand that it can be a recipe for disaster.  Because, when you’re faced with divorce and your husband is not making himself available, you are tempted to try desperate things or behaviors that are not typical just to get a reaction.  The problem with this is that not only does it make you appear more unattractive, it pushes your husband further away and puts you in a position of weakness.  No good is likely to come from this chain of events.  In this article, I will tell you some better alternatives that are more likely to change your husband’s mind about a divorce than the tactics you’re probably using right now.

Why Your Husband Isn’t Listening To You: Admittedly, I don’t know your husband, or you, or anything about the circumstances of your marriage.  But, I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve conducted countless hours of research on divorce and have interviewed many men who are seeking divorce or who are unhappy in their marriages.  Most tell me the same thing.  They’re not listening to you because they know that what you are saying is meant to change their mind.  They know that you are trying to manipulate them.  They know, (from the past experiences that have contributed to your being on the doorstep on divorce right now) that you have both made a lot of promises that you didn’t keep or said many things that never came to pass.  In short, they are tired of hearing the same old thing and getting the same old results.  So, they checked out as a defense mechanism. 

Now, I don’t tell you this to depress you or to place any blame. I tell you this because I want you to see that you need to change course if you want to change your husband’s mind about breaking up. So, no more degrading yourself, acting desperate, following him around, threatening him, engaging with him, begging him, etc.  You may get lucky (although as time goes on, the chances of this decline) and he may “give in” once or twice, but he’s going to resent you for it and it will only be harder to bring him back around the next time.  This is not a situation where you can afford to settle for a small short term victory.  To really save your marriage, you need a long term win.

How To Get Your Husband To Listen To You (The First Step Toward Changing His Mind About The Divorce): Hopefully by now, I’ve shown you that the way you’re probably going about changing your husband’s mind isn’t likely to work (especially long term.) But, you need to get him to listen to you if you’re going to make any progress at all.  How do you do this? By changing what you are saying.  Remember I said that husbands tell me they hear the same old thing? Well, change the message and tell them what they really want to hear.  How do you do this? You AGREE with them. You validate them.  Now, please stay with me. I know this may sound crazy, but I’ll explain.

At this point, many wives will say “Oh, I can’t possibly do that.  That is just too risky.  If I agree, then I may as well give up and just agree to the divorce.” No, that’s not what I mean, I promise. You are not agreeing to the divorce.  You’re simply agreeing that your husband has a right to want to be happy and you’re agreeing that the marriage is in real trouble. You’re agreeing to lighten his load and make his situation better because this is what he wants to hear.  And this is when he will listen to you.

Now That He’s Listening, What Do You Say To Get Him To See Things Your Way?: Well, see, that’s the kicker.  You don’t try to change his mind (and that’s exactly why this will likely work).  You act in such a way that he’s going to want to do that all on his own.  Because, if you do it any other way, his heart is not really going to be in it and this plan is going to backfire in a big way. 

So, it would go something like this.  The next time you are with your husband, you tell him that you’ve been doing some thinking and you realize that he is right.  You agree that the marriage has not been what it should be and you deeply regret that.  You tell him that you love him and above anything else, you want him to be happy.  You tell him that he is too important to you to part on bad terms. You promise him that you will no longer behave in such a way as to deteriorate your relationship – no matter where that relationship is headed.  Then, you make good on what you just told him.  Always stop and ask yourself if your actions are going to push him further away before you do them.

Go Slowly.  Never Rush Him Or Push For Him To Call Off The Divorce (He Must Come To This Decision On His Own): So, if you agree with your husband as I’ve described above, a lot of the tension should start to abate.  Once he sees that you mean what you say (and you aren’t just telling him something new to change his mind) he should hopefully become more receptive to you.  When he does, you should take things very slowly.  Let him set the pace. Don’t rush and don’t push. Just focus on creating positive feelings and shared experiences where you are both having light hearted fun. No strings attached.  No deep, difficult conversations about the marriage yet.  No talking about what was and what could be again.  Just focus on one shared experience at a time. 

If you do, I’d be willing to bet that over time, he’s going to start to see glimpses of the two people who first fell in love in the first place.  And when he does, he’s eventually going to want more of it.  Always leave him wanting more.  It is so important not to rush. Because as he becomes the one who is wanting to change the terms of the relationship, then you begin to gain more of an equal footing in the marriage and your place in it.  And, this is where you need to be if he’s going to change his mind with his whole heart, and his wholehearted  commitment, about your marriage. 

Divorce is one of those major life decisions that can be heart wrenching. For most people, this is an extremely difficult call to have to make. And I think that if most people are being honest, they will admit that they are not always sure that they are making the right decision when they decide to go ahead and end their marriage. Quite frankly, people often wonder if they are going to one day regret this. But many feel pressured to go ahead and make the decision any way so that every one can get on with their lives.

I sometimes hear from folks who are just approaching this crossroad for themselves. And who are wondering if one day regretting their decision is a possibility. So you might hear from a wife who has a concern like this: “I believe that I have made the very difficult decision to leave my husband and pursue a divorce. My husband is a good man. He would make a good father one day. But, the spark just isn’t there. And I don’t want to make the mistake of starting a family with someone who doesn’t create that chemistry with me. He used to. But he doesn’t anymore. I have been patient waiting for it to come back. But at this point, I think that I am just wasting part of both of our lives. I know that my husband loves me. And I love him. But I am not in love with him. He is going to be devastated about this, but I really am leaning toward this decision of divorce. I have talked to my best friend about this and she is very worried for me. She says that she knows a lot of women who have been divorced who deeply regret it. She says my husband is a keeper and I’m silly if I don’t see it. She says another woman will scoop my husband right up and then I will see how wrong my decision is truly going to be. Is she right? Do women regret their divorces?”

Well, I think that anyone can regret a divorce. But I think that women might be slightly more likely to regret it, especially if they were the ones who initiated it. And there are many reasons for this. First, women sometimes take a heavy financial hit after a divorce – and sometimes it takes quite a while to recover from this. Also, I’ve had some women tell me that they regret getting a divorce because they now realize that their standards were too high. Now that they are in the dating world, they are finding that most every person they are meeting has faults. And many of them find that it is difficult to date later in life – when many of the men that they might otherwise be interested in are dating younger women who have never been married.

Some have told me that they regret that they didn’t at least try to aggressively save their marriage before they got a divorce. Some concede that they may have ultimately divorced anyway. But they worry that they acted too impulsively or abruptly, especially since they have always been clear on the fact that there was really nothing wrong with their husband. He treated them well. He was a high quality person. Yes, perhaps something was missing, but many wish they had tried to get it back more enthusiastically before just letting a perfectly good husband go.

I am not saying that all women who seek a divorce regret it. Some do not. Some will tell you that it was a necessary decision. Some were in destructive or abusive relationships where they knew that they couldn’t thrive until they got out. These are the women who will tell you that they should have divorced sooner.

Of course, this wife’s situation didn’t even approach this. Even she conceded that she had a good man. Yes, she was impatient. And restless. And unhappy. But I might suggest at least trying a little harder to see if you can reignite the spark (which she admits was there previously.) I agree that children should be put off until it’s obvious that the marriage is stable and fulfilling for both people. Because that might make you feel trapped and who needs that right now?

But, I do see the advantage of thinking this through very carefully and perhaps seeing if you can bring back a little chemistry before you take any drastic action. Because if chemistry is the only problem, it can be fixed. And once you tell your husband that you want a divorce, this is something that you can ever take back. It will likely hurt him deeply and it might damage your marriage irrevocably. So, if you are going to mention a divorce, it should be something about which you are sure. And if you are researching whether or not women regret divorce, it doesn’t sound as if you are sure.

Probably sixty percent of the emails that I get are from wives who are facing the reality of a divorce.  Almost all of them want to save their marriages and aren’t ready to throw in the towel just yet. They want to know: if their husbands can change their minds and reconsider about a divorce; how they can make this happen; and when this change might occur. I’ll answer these questions in the following article.

You Can’t Make Or Force Him To Stop The Divorce, But You Can Contribute To His Wanting To: So many wives approach this as a battle.  The emails that I get ask for tips to “make him” or “get him to” change his mind.  This wording alone implies that you’re trying to strong arm or trick this man into doing something that he just doesn’t want to do –  almost like he’ll be kicking and screaming all the way back, but will be reluctantly coming back just the same. Is this really what you want?

Of course not. You’re going to have a much higher degree of success and satisfaction if you are able to come to place where you’re equally committed and willing to save the marriage.  You want him to want to be there as much as you want him there.  And, you aren’t likely to reach this if you come at him as an adversary or you take a combative stance.

In fact, you almost want to do the opposite.  You want him to think that you’re committed to his happiness and to helping him get what he wants (even though we both know that this is going to lead to YOU getting what you want.)

Ignore The Divorce For Now And Concentrate On Day By Day: The truth is, so many women act badly and desperately with the threat of divorce on the horizon.  This little word elicits panic, fear, and desperation — all very negative emotions that can cause you to do or say things that you’re very much likely to regret later.  We take to bombarding him with questions and accusations.  We try to make him feel guilty.  Or, we’re just so nasty because we want to lash out at him so that he’s hurt every bit as much as we are.  But, all of these things only dig you a deeper hole and get your further away from your true goal.

So, while it may be difficult at first, I want for you to put the divorce out of your mind.  You will function much higher and be much more convincing when you don’t have this threat breathing down your neck. Vow, at least for the next couple of months, to take things day by day.  Divorces take time to become final. You likely have more time than you think, and counting down the days are only going to cause you to react in negative ways.  Right now, we’re going to take things day by day, conduct ourselves with dignity and grace, and focus just on ending our time with the husband on a positive note.  Yes, these are small victories.  But, small victories eventually build upon themselves until you’ve created a new reality.

Know That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce When You Show Him That Things Really Can Change In Your Marriage:  OK, here’s the short answer.  I have a little bit of insight into men who have initiated a divorce.  Many of them write to me and share what they are feeling.  Almost all of them tell me that the divorce is a reality because they just feel that things can not and will not change.  They share that they feel more like a brother or room mate to their wives.  They feel that their wife just does not make the time for them anymore – that she cares more about the kids, her career, her parents, and her family.  They tell me that there’s no longer laughter, intimacy, or a feeling of connection.  And, they tell me that this has been going on for so long and that they’ve tried repeatedly to fix it – and now, they are quite sure that it won’t change and there’s no way to rescue it.

At the end of the day, the core of a divorce is usually a lack of connection and intimacy.  Because when two people are feeling this, they can usually weather any marital storm. So, if you want to change your man’s mind about a divorce, then you need to focus on restoring these things and showing your husband with your actions – not your words, that you can be successful with this.

This probably seems like a tall order when you aren’t living together or you at least don’t have access to him.  This is where coming at him from a place of partnership comes in.  It’s important to communicate with him that you agree that the marriage is broken and that you both deserve better.  Explain that he’s too important to you to let things deteriorate this way.  So, you’re going to focus on what you can – coming out of this in a way that you can be proud of.  He may be hesitant at first, but as you conduct yourself this way, he will eventually warm up somewhat.

When he does, it’s so important that you put your best self out there.  Listen intently.  Lean in when he talks.  Stress that you are on his side and have his back.  Because truly, you are already the person who can turn your husband’s eye and possess his heart.  You’re already done it once.  But, somehow, someway, the stresses of every day life took a little of the shine off of this woman.  Now, it’s time to get her back and reclaim her.  Because she is who your husband really wants.  And once she returns, and you come at him from a place of partner ship (and move slowly), everything else should fall into place.

This question is actually more common than you may think. When couples are in crises or are in talks about taking a break, splitting up, or divorcing, emotions can run high and doubt can creep in. Affection, attraction, and love can still be smoldering under the surface even if a couple is experiencing hard times. This is all understandable, but sex amongst couples who divorcing or splitting up can be very difficult and can be confusing for both parties.

In these situations, it’s very common that one person (in this case the husband) wants to split up while the wife wants to save the marriage. Therefore, still being intimate with someone with one foot out the door can be heart wrenching and can send very mixed signals. On the one hand, the husband is telling the wife he wants to end the relationship. On the other, his wanting sex and intimacy is saying something else entirely – that he is attracted to and wants to be close to her. This article will discuss what to think about and do when your husband wants a divorce but is still trying or wanting to be intimate through sex or intercourse.

What To Consider Or Do When You’re Divorcing And Your Husband Still Wants To Be Intimate?: First, you need to define how you are feeling about this divorce. If you deep down want to save your marriage or are still in love with your husband, it may seem that having sex with him is a way to bring him closer to you. This makes sense, certainly. Admittedly, it is a good sign that your husband is still finding you attractive and desirable. However, it’s not fair to either of you for these mixed signals to take place. If he is truly going to go through with the divorce, then it’s not at all fair for him to play with and take advantage of your emotions.

Ask your husband if his wanting to be intimate stems from his inability to let go or if it is possible there is still love, affection and desire that he is attempting to return. Does he think the relationship that can be saved because if he doesn’t (or is not at least open to explore this), it is unacceptable to expect you to be intimate with him and then just turn and walk away – unless that is what you both want.

Sex Versus Intimacy. Letting Go Versus Trying To See If The Spark Is Still There: It can also sometimes be important to understand the context in which the request for sex took place. Sometimes, it comes under the context of “one more for old times sake,” as a way to let go. Sometimes, it is an attempt to see if any spark remains. Sometimes, it is just a man’s way of getting something for free.

It’s important that you evaluate the situation and understand what is going on here. This will differ depending on the couple, the people, and the circumstances involved. Of course, how to move forward is always going to be your choice. But understand that in healthy relationships, intimacy should be something shared between two consenting adults with clear intentions. If you both understand what the sex means and are fine with it, then there may not be a problem as long as you are both comfortable and clear. This is rarely the case though.

More often than not, the wife feels compelled to allow the sex as a way to try to hold on to the marriage and the husband’s intentions may be different. Or, the husband is not sure whether he really wants to divorce and is trying to see if the passion is still there. Speak up and ask what’s really going on, especially if the sex makes you uncomfortable, unsure, or if you feel that it takes your power away. Your husband can’t respect you if you don’t.

Initiate an honest conversation with your husband and tell him that you still love him and want to be intimate and are happy that he still finds you attractive. However, reiterate that it’s not fair to ask this of you when you are going to divorce. Ask him if the intimate feelings that are coming out mean that there is still a spark and whether he would he be willing to work on the marriage. Sometimes, his wanting to have sex can be a good sign as it shows he still has intimate feeling toward you.

However, true adult intimate give and take is not possible in this situation with a divorce hanging over your head. Rather than just giving in and giving your power away (and then feeling resentful), use this as a starting point for an open conversation about how you both feel about saving or ending your marriage.

I often hear from wives who are trying to change their husband’s mind about the divorce. Some common comments that I hear are things like: “He wants the divorce but I still love him and don’t want to be without him.” Or, “He’s filed for divorce. I still love him and want to save the marriage. Do I have to just accept this? Isn’t there anything that I can do?”

The situation is hard enough when you know that you still love your husband but you doubt that his wanting out means that he still loves you. But, when you add the mention or the filing of divorce into the mix, it can add some volatility into an already difficult situation. You can definitely feel like you’re running out of time. In the following article, I’ll discuss non legal strategies that you can try when you’re sure that still loving him means you don’t want the divorce to go forward.

Understand That His Wanting The Divorce Doesn’t Always Mean That He No Longer Loves You: The overwhelming perception is that if a man wants or files for a divorce, he no longer loves his wife and wants to get away from her as soon as he possibly can. This isn’t always true. Sometimes, he just doesn’t know what else to do or he just doesn’t see another viable solution. I sometimes dialog with the husbands in this situation and many tell me that the divorce is on the table because they just don’t see any real change or improvement on the horizon.

I often hear them say things like: “We’ve tried many different things but nothing ever changes. I’m not happy and I know she probably isn’t either. It’s not that I don’t love her. I do. But I just don’t think that us staying married is the best thing for either of us. The situation has gotten to a point where it’s not good for either of us.”

Do you see the difference here? It’s not that the husband in this situation doesn’t love his wife. It’s that his perceptions are telling him that he’s in an unhappy situation that isn’t going to change. So, in his mind the best (and likely only) option is to walk away so that eventually you can both be happy again.

Still Loving Your Husband Might Not Be Enough (At Least In His Eyes) To Convince Him Not To Go Through With The Divorce: Many times, the wives in this situation dwell on the fact that they still love their husbands. I often have husbands tell me that the wife’s repeat the “But I still love you” phrase like a mantra. The thing is, if love were enough, then he likely wouldn’t be thinking about a divorce. So while still having loving feelings for him is a very good thing, it’s not the only thing. Don’t let this be your sole focus.

Remember how I said that it was likely that the reason he was moving toward divorce was because he thought that things in the marriage were bleak and would never change? Well, this is often the best place to put your focus. You have to show him that things can improve and things can change. You have to show him that you both can be happy. (Telling him often just doesn’t cut it anymore. )

Often, when I tell wives this they will respond with things like: “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. He’s not going to believe me now. He’ll think I’m just trying to manipulate him to change his mind.” You may be right. At least this may be his response at first. But, you’re never going to know unless you try. And usually, the worst thing that happens is that you improve his perceptions of you and the marriage. This certainly isn’t a bad thing. Yes, you will usually have to have patience and take it slowly, but I’ve seen many marriages saved by just focusing on improving the husband’s thoughts and perceptions and making real changes to the relationship.

How Do I Change His Mind About The Divorce When His Mind Is Made Up And He Won’t Listen To Me?: This is one of the most common questions that I’m asked. The thing is, it’s very likely that you’ve been repeating the same words over and over so much that your husband has become immune to them. So, when you start to go down the same old path he sort of glazes over and stops listening. He no longer wants to hear the same old thing because, at least in his mind, he knows how things are going to turn out.

Often the way around this is to change the message. Usually when I say this, some wives take this to mean that I’m talking about doing or saying something really dramatic or off the wall to get his attention. No, I really mean quite the opposite. He likely suspects that you are approaching being desperate so this is your first opportunity to show him that his perceptions (on many levels) are quite wrong.

Instead of trying to negotiate or reason with him, make him think that you’re on board. Many wives give me a wide eyed stare of shock when I mention this. I often get responses like: “So you want me to agree to the divorce? Are you kidding me? Are you crazy?” I promise that the answer is no to all of these questions. Basically, I’m asking you to take a more cooperative stance because this will improve your situation on many levels. It usually eventually means that you will be given more access to your husband. It also usually means that he starts to see you in a more positive light.

You don’t have to go full speed ahead with the divorce. And this most certainly doesn’t mean that you’re giving up. It just means that you’re changing strategies and it works something like this. When you can be calm and convincing, tell your husband that you have thought a great deal about this and you see and understand that he’s doing what he thinks is right. Obviously, you don’t want a divorce but you want the two of you to be happy and you don’t want to continue to engage with him because your relationship is much too important to you for that. You should be focusing on the fact that you’re wanting to salvage your friendship because that is going to be your “in.”

Of course, you know that you don’t want the relationship to end through divorce, but if this is how you have to play it to obtain access and to change perceptions, then every one wins. At this point, you begin to make very small strides. You show your husband that the two of you can connect in a positive way and you show him that his thinking that he’s better off without you may not have been accurate. This usually takes some time and it usually works better if you move very slowly. But this process usually helps you to gain a lot of ground and it’s likely saved a few marriages too.

I recently heard from a woman who did not know how to proceed in her marriage. About six months ago, her husband had decided that he wanted to divorce. And he had even gone as far to consult an attorney and had begun filing the paperwork. This had caused a great deal of turmoil in their home. The wife was very clear on the fact that she did not want a divorce but the husband appeared to be determined to move forward. Finally, the wife theorized that she was not going to change his mind so she might as well find a way to live with it.

Once she had begun to get used to the idea that the divorce might actually happen, the husband changed his mind and decided that perhaps he didn’t want a divorce after all. This left the wife very confused. She had to admit that she was a bit relieved, but she was also a bit skeptical. She just could not figure out what caused her husband’s change of heart and she was reluctant to fully commit to saving the marriage for the fear that the husband would change his mind yet again.

To paraphrase the wife, she said, in part: “If I’m being honest, I don’t want a divorce. But, I can’t stand this going back and forth all of the time either. I can adjust to and accept whatever comes my way. But it’s hard for me when he keeps changing his mind. I want to save my marriage, but I just don’t believe and trust that he really knows what he wants. How do I proceed with this?” I’ll tell you what I told the wife in the following article.

Why A Husband Might Change His Mind About A Divorce: The husband had been unable to explain his change of heart to the wife. She very much wanted a reason for his “wishy washy attitude” (as she called it.) The husband couldn’t seem to be able to articulate this. He gave her vague statements like “I just decided I want to give our marriage one more chance.” Or, “I just don’t want to make a hasty decision that I might later regret.”

I didn’t personally know this couple. But I could share with the wife what husbands sometimes tell me in this same situation. Often, they file for divorce when they are just so frustrated that they don’t know what else to do. They are often very much trying to get their wife’s attention or to make some dramatic statement. Sometimes, they don’t get the reaction that they were hoping for. Other times, they just come to realize that they were hasty or were wrong in some of their assumptions. And, there are times when, once this very life changing action is taken, they are suddenly able to look at their wife, their family, or their life with a fresh set of eyes and they realize that they aren’t ready to give up for good yet. A divorce is a major life decision. I know it’s frustrating when people change their minds, but it’s not at all uncommon and it’s somewhat understandable.

Deciding How To Proceed When Your Husband Changes His Mind About The Divorce: Once the wife was able to set aside her shock, her fear, and her frustration, she was pretty clear on the fact that she never wanted a divorce in the first place. To me, this was more important than trying to pin her husband down on exactly and precisely what he was thinking and why he was wrong to change his mind so abruptly.

At the end of the day, this is a difficult situation but within it was the chance to get her marriage and her husband back. In my opinion, this was the primary issue that had to be remembered. Now, with that being said, it was going to be eventually very important for the couple to figure out which things led up to him filing for divorce. They were going to need to eliminate these problems so that they weren’t struggling with them again somewhere down the road.

And, as I suspected, the wife wanted to immediately get answers and wanted to be given a VIP pass into the mind and the heart of her husband even though it was very obvious that he was resistant to this. To me, it made more sense to try to relieve some of the very destructive tension that was invading their home. Things were very awkward between them. There was a lot of anger and no one was really speaking freely or even making an attempt to improve the situation.

So, it was going to be quite difficult to gain any ground whatsoever in this type of atmosphere. Before they could make some real progress, I felt that it was probably advisable to change up and improve the atmosphere before any major changes or attempts were made. This process was going to be so much easier if they were able to restore some of the light hearted happiness that used to define their marriage. I told the wife to try to keep things upbeat and to try to just have some fun and to reconnect before she attempted to make any huge changes. There is nothing wrong with moving slowly and with taking things day by day. Sometimes, we put too much pressure on the situation and ourselves and in the end we risk what we want the most.

Lasting improvements to your marriage are much easier to make if both people are equally committed to making it work. Keeping things fun and lighthearted helps to keep the continuous pay offs coming so that both people actually want to move forward. Sure, there were no guarantees that I could give this wife to ensure that her husband wasn’t going to change his mind about the divorce again. But, she now had an opportunity to attempt to stop the divorce once and for all if she handled this correctly. This is what she wanted all along. I felt that it was best for her to focus on the situation right in front of her rather than driving herself crazy and becoming distracted about her husband’s changing mind.

At the end of the day, she had to ask herself what she really wanted and to then do her best to move toward that path rather than continuing to question the one that they had been on which was best left in the past.

People make mistakes. This is true in every aspect of life including relationships. Sometimes, when two people are married, things progress to a point where they decide the best course of action is a divorce. That divorce may not always be the best decision and sometimes it’s a decision that a husband will later come to regret. If you are divorced and now are wondering how to get your ex wife back you have to start by taking a long look at yourself in the mirror.

Marriage takes two people to succeed and it also takes two people to fail. It’s easy, during the course of the divorce, for each spouse to blame the other for the difficulties in the marriage. Once the divorce is final if you are still in love with your wife you have to be prepared to own up to any errors you made during the course of the relationship. If your actions contributed to the end of the marriage, you have to be prepared to take responsibility for them. One of the most important things to remember when you are wondering how to get your ex wife back is that you need to own up to anything you’ve done to hurt her or cause her emotional pain.

You must also respect her privacy after the divorce if you have any hope of getting her back. If you two have children and you regularly see her when picking them up or dropping them off for visitation, don’t hang around her home without an invitation to do so. Immediately following a divorce, many women feel a need to think and have their space. If you crowd her or make yourself too available she may begin to resent your presence in her life. This is not something you want to have happen when you are working to get your ex wife back.

Show her through your actions have mature you are being about the split. Don’t ever call her begging her to take you back or asking if you can move back in with her. You need to show her that you respect her desire to have this time apart. The best thing for you to do at this point is to focus on improving your own life. You can do this by putting in extra hours at work, going to the gym or taking a class.

Your goal needs to be to show her that you are still the man she initially fell in love with. Be kind to her and polite and let the events that took place in the past, stay in the past. You must be prepared to sit down with her, when the time is ready, to discuss anything she wishes. You have to be willing to show her that you genuinely understand her and want only the best for her.

What did he just write? Is he serious? He must be desperate to write an article, because he may have nothing to contribute at this time. Somebody ought to stuff his brain and break his laptop.

I am serious about all this. And I am a recovering alcoholic. I only want to inform my readers that it isn’t my intention to be overzealous on the subject of alcoholism. I realize I am entering a slippery slope on shaky ground. But I am very familiar with the slippery slope and the shaky ground. Please bare with me.

Recovering from alcoholism is not an easy accomplishment. It not only takes time, it takes courage and patience, as well. With courage, it means being truthful to yourself. With patience, it means sobriety doesn’t come overnight. Some alcoholics who are in denial need intervention. That is rough. I never needed intervention when I decided to quit. I could have used it in my early stages of alcoholism. Back then it wasn’t the trend.

I can plainly see how recovering from this powerful, disabling, disease may cause relationships to break up, or cause divorces. But then again, if an alcoholic continues to drink, it very well may end a marriage or relationship. It’s a two way path. And the curves and bumps are sometimes relentless.

There are many factors to consider in how successful a recovery will be achieved. Being in a relationship in which both people drink too excess and who abuse alcohol, can be a devastating experience, and the habit would be hard to break. If only one seeks help, the other will feel betrayed, angry, and jealous. Recovering can be extremely hard to achieve when alcohol played such a big part in their lives. Successfully recovering from alcoholism, may result in breaking up a relationship or marriage. One must make this final decision in order to move on with their lives.

The worst thing that could happen is pursuing a relationship while recovering. Alcohol counselingadvises against this idea. One is so vulnerable during this period. Your main focus should be to workon your sobriety and follow the program you are in.

Then there are relationships and marriages that suffer when there is one person addicted, and their significant other drinks lightly on special occasions or never drinks at all. This may be easier to swallow than being co-dependents. In this case, one person can be there to understand and support the other’s addicted personality by attending Al-Anon or AA meetings.

In either case, patience is a virtue. Splitting up or seeking a divorce may be the only decision to make, if intervention doesn’t work. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. There is only so much a person can help the other. One who is an alcoholic must take the first step, and do it for themselves–not for somebody else.

In my case, my wife, Bobbie, knew what she was getting into before we married. My alcoholic friends were there to always remind her. As if my so-called friends walked a pristine path.

My wife believed that you do the crime, you do the time. She never participated in Al-Anon or AA meetings with me. Once again I repeat, she said, “You do the crime, you do the time.” She despised people who drink and drive. She insisted she would not be punished in something I did. This meant she would not attend Al-Anon or AA meetings with me or without me.

I was notorious for getting arrested for DUIs. I had eleven convictions. Nine of them were on my broken plate when we were married. It was all in the past–I thought. After two years into our marriage, I was arrested and convicted only once in our nine-and-a-half year marriage. I say “only once” because that was a record having not been arrested and convicted for DUI for almost eleven years. My eleventh DUI occurred two years after my wife died of cancer.

We had a very happy marriage. We never split up or divorced. The first three years were a proving ground. My drinking was largely in-check during our marriage. Since she disapproved of my drunken behavior, it somehow worked, because I always wanted her to be proud of me for not drinking. She had other ways of being understanding and loving, rather than attend Al-Anon or AA meetings. She rewarded me with kindness in so many other ways, like being proud of me and telling me so. And I admired her for not drinking or not being an alcoholic. She actually planted the sobriety seed in me.

After my wife died in 2001, my depression and disease hit rock bottom. I didn’t care about how advanced my dependence on alcohol became or how bad my mental and physical health became.

Two years later I met a woman I thought I fell in love with. Seven months later I was arrested for DUI #11. After everything was said and done, I paid almost $10K for one night of heavy drinking and driving.

I knew I had to do something about “my problem.” But it took two more months of heavy drinking before my higher power convinced me, and armed me with the weapons of mass destruction I needed to combat my disease. I thank God for that. I achieved my sobriety on July 4th, 2003. It became another reason to celebrate Independence Day–my independence from alcohol. And it became my other birthday– in sobriety. I witnessed a miracle before my eyes.

Two months into my sobriety, my new house was finished to move into. I convinced my girlfriend to move in with me and start my new life. Things went well for the first three months. Then I was beginning to feel that I was going to fall off the wagon.

I was feeling that our relationship had taken a toll. My sobriety was being challenged to the max. After being sober for a few months, I was beginning to think that I had nothing in common with this woman I lived with. I didn’t feel anything. Our relationship became empty.

Sobriety had opened my eyes. I didn’t like what I seen. I felt if I kept this relationship going, I would erupt and my sobriety would be at risk. It wasn’t because this woman drank–she drank very little. It was what she stood for, or lacked of it. I had no respect for her. I believed she was being supplied drugs from her daughter. A daughter I gave a $4,000.00 loan to, because I felt sorry for her. She never tried to repay the debt. She never intended to pay it. I began to believe she bought drugs with the money I loaned her. I felt betrayed.

I finally had to asked my girlfriend to leave. She was a threat to my sobriety. It was the best choice I ever made. I changed so drastically when I sobered up. I guess the people I associated with thought I became a bore or a snot. Well, I thought the same about them.

I would like to thank my readers and recovering alcoholics for me sharing this story with them. Maybe some will come to the realization about what to expect in recovery–being an alcoholic, or a drug addict. Sobriety will be a challenge, but a worthwhile adventure of your soul and well-being. It has made me relax more and like myself despite of all my flaws or the mistakes I made in the past.

To achieve sobriety one must make big decisions. Some may be very difficult–like breaking up a relationship or marriage to save their own soul. This is a very personal decision I would not like to make for others. Just beware–sobriety may cause a divorce.