I have a lot of frustrated women who contact me and say things like: “my husband is saying he wants a divorce, but he will not say why,” or “he won’t tell me why he wants a divorce.  Am I just supposed to accept this without him giving me a valid reason?”  I completely understand your frustration.  I was in this situation too.  You can’t help but think that if you could pinpoint his reasoning for wanting a divorce, you could properly address the problems and save the marriage.  But, his reluctance to talk about this means that you’re flying blind or just fumbling around in the dark.  It’s hard to formulate a plan when you can’t even identify what you are dealing with.

However, it took me a long time to realize that fixating and dwelling on this (and bugging my husband about it endlessly) was only doing me more harm than good. I’m certainly not saying that his reasons for wanting a divorce don’t matter.  They certainly do.  But, the truth of the matter is that you will need to do and say the same things no matter why this is happening.  So, while it’s nice to know, it’s not mandatory for saving your marriage.

Know That Even He May Not Know Or Understand Why He’s Doing This (And If He Does, He May Not Be Saying Because He Knows You Will Disagree With Him And Try To Change His Mind): Often when I tell women that a husband sometimes isn’t spilling the beans about the divorce because he can’t articulate his reasoning, even to himself, they look at me like I am crazy.  But, hear me out for a second.  I do have some men who contact me via my blog.  Many of them want to know how to deal with their wives once they’ve asked for a divorce or they want to know how to tell their wives that they want to end the marriage.

Of course, I can not resist asking them what brought this on.  I’m looking to know if the problem is a big or small one, and if I think the marriage can be saved. The vast majority of them (I would say well over 85%) can not articulate a concrete answer, even to me, someone who doesn’t know anything about them or their marriage.  They will mutter general reasoning like “well we just grew apart,” or “I just don’t want to be married anymore,” or “I want a fresh start.”  Sometimes, I will even press and ask things like “Well, what brought this on?”  But even then, I’ll get vague answers like “we just grew apart,” or “we’re not in love anymore.”

The point that I’m trying to make is that, men know that these reasons seem quite lame and general, and I can hear their hesitation to say this out loud even to a stranger.  And, they also know that the second that they come out with it, you’re going to immediately pounce, with a laundry list of why they are wrong.  More fights will ensue.  More tension will be present.  By wanting a divorce, they want to escape these negative emotions, not create more of them.  In essence, their zipping their lips is their attempt to exit without a huge confrontation or debate.  They don’t want to give you ammunition to try to change their mind or to tell them that they are wrong. 

It’s important that you understand this, because the plan which I think works best is based on this.  We know that they don’t want an argument or any attempts to change their mind, so we’re not going to give them that – although they’re going to be quite surprised by this.  Nope, we’re going to instead agree with them and throw them off balance a bit.

Going With The Tide Instead Of Against It:  I once had a reader call what I’m about to tell you “going with the tide rather than trying to swim against it.”  What she meant by that is that if you’re constantly trying to swim against the tide, you will eventually lose your strength and surrender anyway.  It’s an impossible task.  But, if you go with the tide, you allow it to effortlessly carry you exactly where you want to go.  So, how does this relate to your marriage and his wanting a divorce?

Because I want you to swim with the tide by agreeing with him and forgetting about trying to pry the reasons for the divorce out of him.  Hear me out.  You and I both know that this plan is designed to save your marriage, but we’re not going to share that with him.  Why? Because if we did, he would just close his ears to anything you had to say.  He doesn’t want to allow to change his mind, so you’re going to stop trying to.

Am I telling you to just concede the divorce? Absolutely not.  What I’m telling you is that to save your marriage, you first have to get them to let their guard down. So, you’re going to stop hounding them about what’s going on in their head.  You’re going to agree that the marriage as it stands lately has not been any picnic for you either.  You’re going to tell them that you’d actually like some time for yourself too.  You’re going to conduct yourself with class and self respect.  You’re going to stop killing yourself by swimming against the tide.  And you know what usually happens when you do this? They are absolutely shocked. This is not the reaction they expected. 

And, then they get curious.  Is there someone else? Do you not love them anymore? They will need to know the answers so they will start sniffing around. And, what do you do when this happens? You continue to be the classiest, most fun loving, light hearted, and loving version of yourself.  You make sure that they see the woman that they first fell in love with and you have patience.  You can not right this train over night, but you can do it step by tiny step.  You can know that each and every small win will build upon itself until he is looking forward to each encounter and begins to think that all this divorce talk was a huge mistake.

I often hear from wives who suspect very strongly that their husband wants a divorce. Sometimes, they will sort of tip toe around the issue for as long as they can because they are scared of the answer if they ask about this directly. However, over time, wondering about your husband’s true feelings gets very old. Sometimes, you just get to the point where you would rather have an answer, even a negative one, than to continue to wonder. So many wives will eventually get to a point where they ask their husband directly if he wants a divorce. And not all husband are going to give you a straight or even honest answer. In fact, some choose to remain silent.

I heard from a wife who said: “I finally got up my nerve to ask my husband if he wants a divorce. And he just stared at me and sighed. He was just silent for several minutes. When I pressed him, he finally said that he just didn’t have an answer for me that second. What does this mean? Why would he just remain silent? Part of me thinks he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he’s planning a strategy or is trying to get this financial affairs in order before he asks me for a divorce. What do I make of this?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Husband Who Is Silent Or Who Doesn’t Answer You When You Ask About A Divorce May Not Have A Definitive Answer To Give You Right Now: Sometimes, husbands are silent because they haven’t yet made up their minds. Like you, they may have a lot of conflicting emotions and they might be confused. So, many will delay giving you an answer about a divorce because they are not yet sure if they want or will seek one. And they would rather delay than give you an answer that may be rushed or not valid.

It Can Be A Good Sign When Your Husband Is Silent About His Wishes For A Divorce: Many wives will see their husband’s indecision or his silence as a reason for panic. They will assume the worst or assume that his unwillingness to deny that he wants a divorce mean that he’s only delaying the inevitable or plotting his next move. This may not be the case. Some men who want a divorce will have no problem sharing this very directly with you. Many wives who contact me have husbands who are repeatedly telling them that not only does he want a divorce, but nothing else is going to be acceptable to him.

So, as frustrating as his silence might be, understand that at least at means that you don’t have a definitive answer saying that a divorce is imminent. And this means that you might have time to save your marriage. I know that having things up in their air can be frustrating. But at times, it is the state of being up in the air which means that your marriage actually still stands a chance.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Won’t Give You Any Answer About The Divorce: I suspect that you might be hoping I give you some tips on how to get your husband to make up his mind quickly. I’m afraid that my suggestion is more in line with setting it up so that when your husband does make a decision, it’s the decision that you were hoping for rather than a hasty decision.

To that end, this will often mean that you are going to need some patience and that you are going to need to approach him from a place of partnership rather than from a place of impatience and fear. Instead of asking him why he can’t just hurry up and make up his mind or telling him how unfair it is to just leave you hanging, you might say something like: “it hurts that you are not automatically denying that you want a divorce. With that said, I would rather you take the time that you need then to give me a rush decision that you don’t really mean. Your reluctance tells me that we have work to do on our marriage so that we are both confident that we want to remain committed to it. I am willing to work tirelessly on our marriage to show you that it can be one about which you no longer have any doubts. I think that the foundation is still there. We just need to strengthen our foundation and begin to build again.”

Notice that at no time did this conversation pressure him, although I acknowledged that the whole process was painful. Also notice that I didn’t insinuate that I was going to wait around for him to make up his mind before I started trying to rehabilitate the marriage. Plus, I approached him in a proactive way rather than in a panicked way. I hope that you can see a difference because this truly can be important.

Many wives push or rush their husbands and later regret this very much because their husband feels he has no choice but to make a rushed decision to go ahead and pursue a divorce. Now, with more time, understanding, and rehabilitation, he may not have went that route. But some wives will get so antsy for an answer, that the husband doesn’t feel like he has the luxury of a well thought out choice.