Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you’re contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn’t be taken lightly. Ensuring that you’ll be surviving divorce can be comforting and can influence your path as you consider your reasons for divorce and take the emotional plunge into actually going through with it.

Its tough enough to think about how your immediate life will be impacted by getting a divorce let alone thinking about divorce from an aspect of “the aftermath” of divorce. You may be considering a variety of things in the short term including living arrangements, spouse’s schedules, attorneys, kids, property, etc. Its tough to plan so you can really ensure that you’ll be surviving divorce once its finally over with.

Surviving divorce, just like deciding to divorce, is about separating emotion from logic and making sure you think about the past, present and future. Of course, how you plan for surviving divorce, will differ from others in some respects, but there are some common themes to think about that should ensure you will be successful surviving divorce.

The most common things to think about when you want to be successful surviving divorce are self-evident and basic, but highly important:

Surviving Divorce Concept 1: Reflect on the past to make sure you can eliminate potential regret.

Make sure that you take the time to reflect on the past and remember the reasons that got you to this state of mind. One thing you absolutely must avoid is going through a divorce and regretting your decision. Evaluate, in detail, your reasons for divorce and confirm to yourself yet again that divorce is the best course of action. This will help eliminate regret…and regret can be a large factor in determining your chance of surviving divorce.

Surviving Divorce Concept 2: Admit to yourself that, no matter how your situation got to this breaking point of wanting divorce, that you had a hand in it, and plan to improve yourself.

Even if you know your present spouse is not a good fit for you, be smart enough to know that you shouldn’t waste the opportunity that you have right now to improve yourself, for your own good in the future. At a time like this when emotions are running high, there tends to be a lot of soul searching going on, and that’s a good thing if you want to ensure that you’ve got a solid chance of surviving divorce. Realize that you need to improve for you, this will only help you in the future. Remember, it takes two to tango!

Surviving Divorce Concept 3: Remember that your happiness and plan for surviving divorce should include evaluating and establishing a certain level of self-confidence.

Having self confidence is absolutely critical to surviving divorce because without it, fear usually will win out and your situation will not improve. Even if you get divorced but you don’t evaluate your own level of self confidence in the hopes of improving it, you may be in for a rough time after divorce. If you want a sure-fire way to feel good about surviving divorce, do yourself a favor and get your self-confidence in line.

If your overall confidence and desire to start over with your love life support making a change, you’re off to a good start in making a smart decision about whether to divorce or not.

Surviving Divorce Concept 4: Get your finances in a row and understand that your life will change most likely from a monetary perspective.

This is a major portion of the surviving divorce equation, especially for women in divorce. A lot of time, women in divorce situations have to deal with finance issues and they fear going out on their own because they’ve had financial support previously. Still, this concept is not gender specific and can resonate with anyone because, one some level, your life will change financially as a result of divorce…that’s a guarantee. In order to make sure your chance at surviving divorce is high, you need to be willing to trade potential financial loss to get a divorce. If you’re willing to do this, maybe you’re ready to really take the big step.

Surviving Divorce Concept 5: Understand the true value of using “projection” to ensure surviving divorce.

This is a terrific exercise to go through when you’re faced with a divorce decision and want to ensure you’ve got a great chance of surviving divorce. “Projection” simply means looking to the future and actually imagining what your life will be like once you’re divorced. And, if you’re smart, you’ll see multiple scenarios of what your life will become after divorce and you’ll be able to pin down which factors lead to each one of those scenarios. Then, choose the scenario you’d like to actually live, and take the necessary steps needed to implement those factors. This one of the most important practices to ensure that you’re chances of surviving divorce are high.

Surviving divorce is a difficult thing but it can easily be accomplished if you plan, reflect, think, and execute based on your own goals and needs.

Hiring an attorney is important part of the divorce process, and it will have a large impact on how your case ultimately ends up playing out. Of course, there are many factors that may be involved in the decision, from pricing to office location, from personality to potential recommendations or referrals. One of the most important factors though is to hire an attorney who has experience handling the matters which are at stake for you.

For men going through a divorce, hiring an experienced divorce attorney for men is important. This is especially true when the father is trying to win child custody in his divorce, or is facing another circumstance in which he essentially has an uphill battle.

A divorce lawyer for men will defend the rights of the husband and father. In order to win that battle in the courtroom it’s crucial to hire an attorney with the right experience and knowledge of the law, and who will aggressively fight on your behalf.

Further, divorce attorneys for men should also be experienced with mediation as well. With mediation, a more costly and lengthy courtroom battle can often be avoided. In this way, mutually beneficial agreements may be reached with respect the rights of both parties, instead of leaving the decision solely in the hands of the judge.

While mediation can often be beneficial, sometimes taking the case to trial is the only potential avenue in order to defend your rights, whether you are seeking custody of a child, seeking or defendant against an alimony claim, or seeking an equitable division of marital property.

It’s important to find an attorney who has experience with the best way to move ahead with your particular case, whether it’s mediation or in court, as well as one who’s willing to match what you prefer. You want to be on the same page with your attorney, and you should be comfortable with the process, the decisions that he or she makes, and the way the two of you approach the situation in an attempt to move ahead and reach a desirable outcome.

If you believe you may be heading towards divorce, or if you’re already in this situation and are looking for an attorney, then choose one who has the specific knowhow and experience you need. Find a local divorce attorney for men in your area who will be there to defend your rights at every step.

You once said ‘yes’ when the priest asked you if you wanted to make the person your husband. Young, full of dreams for the future, and head over heels in love. You are filled with happiness and love when he announced you as husband and wife. You knew for sure that you would live happily ever after together with your children in a beautiful, large house in a safe neighborhood.

Of course, the first years were great, with – admittedly – an occasional quarrel here and there, and then the children and you couldn’t get your luck on. But as the years went by, you felt like you were becoming more and more empty. The love for your partner ran out, and you want to secretly divorce him/her. But how do you do that?

Be sure of your case before taking action

Getting married is – in most cases – a life-changing action. You promise your eternal loyalty to someone, “in prosperity and adversity,” until death. ” That is a very heavily loaded promise, and therefore it should certainly not be taken lightly. You promise in essence that you will stay with your spouse for the rest of your life, even when things are not favorable.

So if you were to follow your promise very faithfully, you really couldn’t even get a divorce. Fortunately, times have changed and divorce is no longer a problem – it happens every day these days. Yet, just like marriage, the divorce should not be underestimated. Divorcing your spouse will have a huge impact on the people around you.

Now, of course, it is not the intention that you have to stay in a marriage, but it certainly doesn’t hurt to think carefully about your decision (divorce or not?). Do not make a hasty decision, but consider both options in detail. Is there really no hope for your marriage?

Tip # 1: Ask yourself these 7 questions

Instead of making yourself crazy with that one question (“Do I want to divorce him or not?”), you can make it easier for yourself by asking the following 7 separate questions. These will help you get an answer to your main question, and perhaps you can make a final, well-considered decision afterward.

# 1 Do you still have feelings for your spouse?

Unless you feel completely unsafe (emotional /physical/mental/ financial), the only real reason to divorce is a lack of the necessary affection for your spouse. Only make the decision to divorce when you can no longer encourage yourself to regard your spouse as a loved one.

Do not request a divorce because you argue so often, or because you are not intimate and together. These are reasons to talk to each other, share your feelings, and perhaps make the decision to go into relationship therapy. These are no reasons to divorce immediately! For example, as long as you still have feelings for each other, therapy can offer the solution!

# 2 Were you ever really married?

A marriage is only really a marriage if the two spouses can consider themselves a “we”, instead of two individuals living under one roof. Marriage is more than buying a house together, giving birth to children together, appearing as a couple on occasions. Marriage is an association of two people, a front based on love.

Find out for yourself whether you are really a ‘we’, or just a ‘you and me’. Were you simply married because you thought it was supposed to be that way, and did you only perform the required activities that were involved in the marriage because this was simply expected from a couple? Or were you married because you felt a burning passion for each other, and you really wanted to be married?

# 3 Are you really ready for a divorce or are you only threatened with it?

It is not uncommon for spouses to threaten divorce. During a popping quarrel, a husband can sometimes flapping hot out “I’m going to divorce you!”. These arguments can be driven for example by the following reasons:

– Anger and frustration

– A sigh for power and control over the other person, a way for the spouse to see matters from your own side

– To let the spouse know that you really want something to change

– As a wake-up call that your marriage is shaking

Note that if you often threaten to get a divorce, this will considerably diminish your credibility towards your spouse. Are you really ready for a divorce, you can safely think that you have peace with it that you can no longer do or give anything for your marriage. You will be able to discuss it with your spouse without flinging accusations at each other’s heads.

# 4 Is your decision based on self-awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

Being in a position to divorce your spouse indicates you are able to make an unemotional and clear decision which you truly support, even in times to come. It means that you are able to let go of all strong emotional ties with your spouse – both the sweet and the hostile and the painful. Actions taken on the basis of emotions are often irrational and rushed.

You are ready to divorce if you can see that you are making a sincere decision, rather than an emotionally charged decision. For example, if you can say: “I acknowledge that you are a person with your own personality and dreams, and I respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you.” In other words, your emotional attachment to your spouse has decreased.

# 5 What is your motive for wanting a divorce?

If you have a motive for divorce other than stopping the marriage, it is an indication that you are not yet ready for divorce. Do not assume that your spouse will suddenly change and treat you better; then you will still have a hard time. A divorce does not give you the power to make someone change your mind, just to end a marriage.

# 6 Have you resolved your internal divorce conflict?

Precisely because your lives have become so entangled in each other, and you have become dependent on each other during your marriage, it can make you feel guilty if you suddenly realize that you are no longer happy and want to divorce your spouse. Recognizing these guilt, the internal conflict, and acknowledging that you are struggling with the impact of a divorce is part of preparing for a divorce.

# 7 Are you able to deal with the upsetting effects of a divorce?

Divorce is more than just putting an end to a relationship with your spouse. Before you make the decision to divorce, ask yourself if you are ready for the next changes. If not, you are not (yet) ready to divorce.

– Changes in your finances, lifestyle or traditions

– Acceptance of the sadness and anger of your children

– Acceptance of uncertain period, fear and the unknown

Tip # 2: Start a conversation with your spouse

Telling your spouse that you want to divorce him/her will become embarrassing anyway – unless it turns out to be a relief for those (lucky you). The way in which you tell your partner will, however, determine the further course of your divorce. Keep the following set-up:

The beginning

Choose a moment when you are sure that you will not be disturbed – switch off your telephones and place your children with relatives/acquaintances. Then immediately start the conversation with what you want to tell him (the bad news). Do not turn around, and give direct and clear reasons. Do not plunge yourself into a lengthy story, but also give your partner the opportunity to respond.

Listen to your partner

You have to prepare yourself for your husband to be considerably surprised by your announcement and to react with angry and hurt. There is a good chance that he/she will throw all sorts of reproaches at your head, but do not allow yourself to be tempted to go into defense; this will only lead to a fight.

Tell your loved one as objectively as possible what you have seen and experienced in your marriage and thereby tell what (negative) feelings this evoked in you. In particular, do not say that he/she is “a bad husband” or something similar. This way you prevent your partner from feeling attacked. Let him/her talk and listen carefully, occasionally summarize your interpretation of what your partner says.

End the (first) discussion

Most likely this first discussion will not be the only one you will have about your divorce. There are many more details that need to be discussed regarding your divorce, but first, give your spouse the space to give your decision a place.

Tell your partner that you are sure that you will reach a reasonable agreement, but that this is not the right moment. Finally, repeat what you have said before. Assure your spouse that you sympathize with him/her and that you will cooperate when you are ready. Then end the discussion.

Tip # 3: Process your divorce

Although you are the one requesting the divorce, this does not mean that you are completely over your spouse and that you are ready to move on. Divorce has an impact on your entire daily life, and the changes that will take place in your life will have to give you a place.

Dealing with the matters related to divorce is difficult. Often, people have no idea as to where they should go for advice. Few people are familiar with the ins and outs of this process. You don’t want to waste your time or money looking for the right divorce lawyer. Instead, you can follow the given tips to get yourself the best divorce attorney. Read on to know more.

1. Be realistic

First of all, you need to understand that the divorce is a process that dissolves your assets and then resolves any custody issues. What you need to do is be realistic as far as your attorney’s job goes. Your attorney is not there to deal with your pain, sadness, anger or frustration. He is a legal expect not a therapist. So, you should be realistic.

2. Stay focused

In this process, your final goal is to get divorced. Hopefully, the process won’t have a negative impact on your lifestyle. Actually, what you need to do is control your emotions and avoid discussing things that won’t carry any importance for you down the road. Your goal should be to get divorced as soon as possible.

3. Know your needs

You may want to take into account other alternatives before hiring a divorce attorney. If you have no kids or if you have no assets or properties to divide, we suggest that you consider a mediator. He will help you negotiate the divorce terms. As a matter of fact, mediation is the cheapest and fastest method to get divorced. And the beauty of this method is that you won’t need to hire a divorce attorney. But if you find it hard to negotiate, you can go for a lawyer.

4. Make a list of at least three potential attorneys

You don’t have to choose the first lawyer you read about in the newspaper. Every lawyer is different. What you need to do is look for at least three good lawyers and then interview each of them before making your hiring decision. Basically, you need a good lawyer specializing in family law. Moreover, he should have experience dealing with the type of the divorce that you want to get.

5. Interview the potential attorneys

You can start with a phone call. During the conversation, you can ask about their specialization and experience. Aside from this, you can ask about the sort of clients they have been working for. Other things that you can discuss is their rates or fees. Some lawyers may negotiate their fees on the basis of their anticipated settlements.

So, these are 5 things that you may want to consider when hiring a good divorce attorney to meet your needs. You need to keep in mind that going for the most expensive lawyer is not a good idea at all times. If a lawyer charges very high fees, it doesn’t mean that he is the only lawyer who offers the best services. Other inexpensive lawyers may also offer the same level of services.

When people are going to get a divorce, they often wonder what they should do in those circumstances. Usually, they think of hiring a good lawyer, which is a great option. If you have no idea as to how a lawyer can be chosen, we suggest that you use the following tips.

1. Divorce process

First of all, you may want to decide whether you should go for litigation, mediation or cooperative divorce. Afterwards, you can look for a good divorce lawyer, especially one who has lots of experience in the field.

2. Legal service

Next, you need to decide on the type of legal service based on your needs. In this situation, everyone needs a good lawyer but not everyone has to spend on a lawyer who charges $500 per hour.

Actually, the type of legal service you need depends upon a lot of factors. For instance, if you own a company and you have lots of assets and a complex financial situation, you need a top lawyer, especially one who is capable of handling complex cases.

3. Decide on what you can afford

You may not want to give thousands of bucks to your lawyer. What you need to do is be wise and use your money sparingly. You should set your budget and then go for a lawyer based on his legal expertise and your budget. Here you need to be honest with yourself.

4. Ask around

The word of mouth will always be a great way of choosing anything under the sun. And the same goes for choosing a divorce lawyer as well. If you know a friend who used a lawyer in the past, you can ask that friend for his suggestions. He may recommend the same lawyer to you as well.

5. Use the internet

You don’t want to choose a lawyer whose website is ranked on top of Google. Actually, the internet is a great place to gather information and validate referrals. While it’s a good idea to choose a lawyer with a well-maintained website, you don’t want to make your decision based on his or her website alone.

On the other hand, if the lawyer you are going to consider doesn’t have a website that is updated regularly, you should be aware that he may not be a good one.

6. Lawyer ratings

Usually, the rating agencies of lawyers are not infallible. In other words, a lawyer who didn’t take part in a certain program for lawyer rating is not necessarily a bad one. In fact, he may be a very good professional. In another scenario, the lawyers may not be allowed in take part in the legal rating due to some ethical restrictions, just to name a few.

7. Make a list of questions

When talking to a good lawyer, you may be a little nervous, which is normal. In this situation, you may forget your questions. Therefore, it’s a good idea to prepare a list of question before you step into the office of the professional.

So, these are a few important things you may want to consider while hiring a good divorce attorney.

Anne was shocked and upset last week when a colleague turned around and said: “So who wanted the divorce? Whose choice was it?” She was taken back, because neither of them wanted the divorce! No one goes into a marriage “wanting” a divorce she thought. She said it shocked her because whilst, she was the one who said “our marriage is over” she had never seen divorce as an option at first. It wasn’t until, after many years of trying to make the relationship work, that she realized there was no hope of change and they couldn’t continue living as they were. Her children were her main concern but she agreed with her ex that they would wait until the school year was done before they told them. But she certainly didn’t “want the divorce” and this comment cut her like a knife. She wanted to blurt back “No one wanted it you idiot – and mind your own business” (or worse!) But instead she felt pressured to tell her all that happened and really regretted it after, as she didn’t want anyone at work to know her business. It was Anne’s first coaching session with me and we decided it would be a good idea to create ways to avoid awkward questions.

Anne is not alone in being asked inappropriate, personal or hurtful questions after separation and divorce. The fear of other peoples reaction to divorce can make some people so anxious they don’t want to socialize or leave the home. Sadly this can lead to a further isolation, at a time when they need support from others the most. So today’s article is dedicated to providing examples of ways to respond and avoid awkward questions.

Celebrity Response

This is really powerful when you first go public with your divorce and also useful for answering awkward questions. In the above example “Who wanted the divorce.” The celebrity response would be something like this: “It’s a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration.” If you and your ex can come up with a mutually agreed statement then you can help avoid gossip. I also recommend statements like the this because it helps friends, family and children feel like they don’t have to take sides.

Humorous Response

Humor can be used to avoid answering a question by making a lighthearted quip or a self-deprecating joke. Humor can also be used to push aside the disturbing and hard elements of a question. For example in response to “What happened?” you could laugh it off and say: “If only we knew” or “No Clue” Another example Gary used when asked “Where will you live?” was “In a house with a roof and water I hope” If you want to use a humorous response you need to be confident and that isn’t always easy, especially during the divorce process.

Reflect Back Response

Reflecting back is where you put the question back on the person, find out why they are asking. It puts the spot light on them, especially if you feel their questioning is inappropriate. An example of this would be where you look them in the eye, smile and ask them a question. For examples in response to “Why are you getting divorced?” You could ask back: “Why do you want to know?” or “I am wondering why this question is important to you?” or “Will it make a difference if you knew?” The good thing about replying back with a question is that the conversation can easily take another direction away from the original question.

End Subject Response

If you have children you may hear people wanting to know about your children and the affect it has had on them. Hasan was told “At least your children are grown up” Dave’s boss said the opposite “At least your son is only 2 and probably doesn’t understand it all” In reality, the age of your children makes little difference. The problems they will face initially are just different and it’s still hard for all affected. In this case you may want to acknowledge their comments or concerns about you and the children but end the subject like: “Thank you for asking, were all doing the best we can thank you” or “The children are naturally upset, but were managing fine.”

Blocking Response

I ensure everyone I work with has 1 or 2 blocking responses they can use and we rehearse them. As the worst thing you want to do at a social gathering or business event is to get angry, upset or spill too much and regret it later. A blocking response is where you as politely as possible, while maintaining eye contact and smiling (or at least not looking angry) assert that you won’t be answering that question. Use this whenever you feel that the question has crossed the boundaries of appropriateness or is too intimate. A blocking response is a response you can use for any questions that you don’t have an answer or don’t wish to answer. For example if someone says, “Whose decision was it?” you can respond with, “It’s not that black and white. We’ve decided we cannot stay married.” Or if someone asks, “So will you be moving?” or “Who will have the Children?” you might respond “We haven’t decided that yet.” Other examples could be “I appreciate your curiosity but I am not comfortable responding to that” or ” I’m sorry but I just don’t feel right sharing that information” Or “I’m not in the habit of answering questions that are so incredibly personal at work / social events.” Or “We agreed not to say anything to other people”

Divorce Coach Cautions – please be wary of

Nosy Family Members – It is you and your spouse who are the ones who are divorcing. So it is your right to keep private information private. Sometimes because it is family, we feel we must go into detail, but only share what you are comfortable with. Hasan didn’t want his parents to know the details of why his marriage was ending in divorce. He was still dealing with the shame, anger and disappointment himself and told his family very little. A week later he found out that his Aunt had started calling his wife Abeer wanting to know more and asking difficult questions. Hasan was furious when he found out, but so grateful that Abeer and him had agreed to not share details. Abeer respected and honored their agreement and thankfully their divorce stayed amicable. When you do go public with a divorce it is important to agree on who to say to what person.

Coworkers – guard against over-sharing details with them. The last thing you want is for your divorce to be discussed around the office. One of the most important things you need to do when you go through separation and divorce is to create a good divorce support team. A good divorce support team may include, a few close friends or family members, a coach, an accountant and a lawyer.

Gossipers – If someone chips into a conversation that they heard something about your marriage ending, avoid giving any further fuel to their fire in spreading gossip. For example if someone responds with something like. “Oh yeah, I heard she was obsessed with worked and didn’t do much at home.” Or “I heard he had problems with drinking and was out all the time.” Don’t rise to the bait and start bad mouthing your ex or call your ex, accusing them of saying such hurtful things. You want to know the facts and don’t assume it is definitely your spouse who has been talking about you or your marriage, it could be idle gossip. I have seen good co-parenting relationships destroyed when they think one party has been spreading rumors or telling the children lies, when they haven’t. Accusations and arguments between you cause further damage and are harder to repair. When you hear comments like this it is best to not react, as gossipers want a reaction, that is what they’re waiting for, so instead use your blocking response.

Remember It’s Often About Them Not You

Difficult questions often reflect more about the person who’s asking them than you – they may be having problems with their own marriage and may be trying to assess if theirs is also over or at risk. They could be trying to make sense of it, especially if you seemed like the “perfect couple” to them. The questions may also reflect their discomfort with divorce, I get that sometimes myself as a divorce coach. Occasionally people are uneasy at the mention of the word divorce for their own personal reasons, so don’t take it personally (easier said than done, I know!). Lastly, they may be trying to work out how they should respond to the news – whether they should congratulate or commiserate with you? So they are just trying to react in the way they think you want them to. As best you can try not to be over-sensitive and if you are upset talk to someone.

In summary, I recommend you create some answers and practice saying them with a close friend/ family member or coach. They can also help you brainstorm what questions people might ask, so you are totally comfortable in all situations. The more you prepare and rehearse what you are going to say, the less likely it is you will be caught off-guard and say something you regret later. You definitely want to prepare a huge list of questions Children may ask when you tell them about the divorce.

Remember, who you share what with is your decision. Defend this right!

When your spouse tells you that he wants a divorce, many people assume the worst. Some picture themselves living as a single person or a single parent in the not too distant future. So, when after some time their spouse has not yet filled for divorce, it can be very confusing for them and they can begin to wonder about their spouse’s motivations. Is he not filing because he’s not sure that this is what he really wants? Is he stalling just to save money for a while? Is he getting ready to file but not telling you?

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I were separated for about five weeks before he told me that he didn’t think that the separation was working and he wanted a divorce. I was really holding out hope during our separation. I will admit that we had some bad days where we fought. But we also had some good days where we connected and actually had romantic feelings, which my husband went so far as to admit. So because of this, I had hoped that things would not only improve for us, but that there would be no need for a divorce. Obviously, I was wrong about that. Last week, he told me that he just doesn’t see any of this working and that he is going to go ahead and pursue a divorce. But this morning, when I asked him if and when he has filed, he told me that he has not filed. I didn’t press any more than this, because I am glad that he has not filed. But, why wouldn’t he have filed? Is he changing his mind? Can I rest easy now?”

I am not sure that resting easy in any situation similar to this is the best idea. A separation is serious. A proposed divorced is serious. This is especially true if you are still invested in your marriage and want to save it. With this said, there are many reasons that he may not have filed. I will go over some of them below.

He Is Possibly Having Mixed Feelings: Of course, this is the possibility that most of us hope for. We hope that he’s not immediately filing because he has some doubts. The fact that the wife said that the two of them shared some romantic interactions during their separation could make this scenario more likely. He likely understands, as you do, that filing for and then getting a divorce is a very serious step. Much of the time, there is no going back from this, although some couples do end up reconciling. In this case, it’s advisable to be grateful for the reprieve and to not push. You don’t want to continue to ask him why he hasn’t filed on the chance that he will go ahead and file just top stop the questions. You are better off trying to recreate the promising encounters that you have had so that you put even more doubt in his mind.

He Is Possibly Getting Things Lined Up: Many people want to do their research first before they actually file for divorce. After all, divorce is costly both emotionally and financially. So it makes sense to make sure that you have the best attorney who can guide you in the filing for divorce in a way that cuts down on both the financial and emotional costs. He may also need to find a new place to live, which also takes time. I am not saying that this is true or even a good guess. But some people do delay filing for a divorce until they have set things up so that the transition is as smooth as it can possible be.

His Threat To File For A Divorce Was Just Strategic Posturing: Some people who tell their spouse’s that they are going to file for divorce never actually file at all. They say that they are going to file because they are looking to get some sort of reaction out of their spouse or they are hoping that the fear of them filing for a divorce will inspire their spouse to get more serious about ending the separation or to act in a more desirable way. I have no way of knowing if this was the case here. But it is a possibility. I’ve heard of many situations where one spouse threatens to file and never does. The intention all of the time is to scare the other spouse into acting in a different way or to be more accommodating. If you suspect that this is a possibility, I’d suggest asking yourself what might be his motivations. Is he looking for reassurance that you don’t want a divorce? Is there an issue that you haven’t been willing to compromise on? Are you willing to compromise on it now?

These are all just possibilities. You will likely get a more definitive answer in the days to come. But until then, I would suggest remaining calm. And I would suggest trying to repeat the behaviors that lead to those promising days during the separation. I know it’s tempting to demand more information or to ask him when, exactly, he is filing. But doing this only makes his timely filing more likely.

In light of recent lawsuits dealing with divorce after death, there arises a need to clarify whether or not such exists in this jurisdiction and why it has become an issue in the first place. Ultimately, I trust that this article will help those trying to obtain divorce decrees learn how they can protect themselves and their properties against the harsh effects of divorce and/or death.

To start with, there is no divorce after death. It is true that some American states have started reviewing and amending their legislative enactments to address the issue but since none like that has been done here yet, we stick to the word of the law.

Under Thai laws, death of one spouse puts an end to a divorce proceeding regardless of who filed the case. A divorce decree, on the other hand, puts an end to their marriage ties. When death intervenes pending the issuance of a divorce decree, there can never be a divorce to speak of. It’s just one or the other.

Why then is there a growing concern for what has been dubbed as a “posthumous divorce”? Imagine a married couple whose marriage has turned sour for years and is now contemplating a divorce. A divorce proceeding can be heartbreaking and usually leads to unintended results. It is at this point when a spouse having separate properties should exert all efforts to prevent these properties from being inherited by the very person he or she is trying to break away from.

Intestacy laws could allow one spouse to inherit the entire estate of the other, regardless of source and sometimes, even regardless of property regime, say, in a case where there are no forced heirs or children.

How then, can one’s property be safeguarded against death pending divorce proceedings? Here are some suggestions:

1. Write a Thai Will. A will or testament is a legal declaration by which a person, the testator, names one or more persons to manage his or her estate and provides for the transfer of his or her property at death.

Declarations in a will come alive after the testator’s death. The testator gets to control his property even after death, assuming the will is valid in all its formal and substantial respect.

Family law expert Jonathan Wolfe, Chairman of the family law committee of the American Bar Association issued a word of warning to his divorce clients, “If you have a will, it has to be changed immediately. And if you don’t have a will, you need to have one.”

2. Sign a Thailand Prenuptial Agreement. A prenuptial agreement in Thailand is a contract entered into prior to marriage or civil union by the people intending to marry. The content of a Thai prenuptial agreement can vary widely, but commonly includes provisions for division of property and spousal support in the event of divorce or breakup of marriage.

Marriage is not just a special union between a man and a woman. It is a union of almost everything you have, including your finances. To ensure your financial well-being, especially if you are supporting children from a prior marriage or your soon-to-be wife or husband is not of the same financial stature as you are, you need to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. There can be various reasons for doing this and it usually kills the romance but in the event of marriage difficulties, you will discover how much it can actually save you from heartaches.

3. Keep a record of transactions made involving your separate properties. Separate properties may include those inherited before or during the marriage or those acquired prior to the marriage which does not form part of the conjugal properties.

In the event of death or separation of properties in a Thailand divorce proceeding, one may need to prove that a these separate properties are indeed such. Otherwise, it shall be divided according to the law, which more often than not is contrary to the owner’s will.

For instance, one spouse inherits a house from his parents and they lived in that house in the course of their marriage. The other spouse paid for the maintenance of the house (taxes, repairs, etc.). In the course of the divorce proceeding, the non-heir spouse claims that he is a co-owner of the house, having lived there and spent for its maintenance which could be more than the very value of the house. There lies the problem. In case the heir-spouse dies, the non-heir spouse may entirely lose her right over the house, to the detriment of her other legal heirs (i.e. siblings). If transaction records are kept, the source of funds can be properly determined and the non-heir spouse will simply be reimbursed for his expenses for maintenance. Ownership will remain with legal heirs of the deceased spouse.

These are just some of your options. Which among the above-mentioned ways will adapt to one’s need will depend mostly on the nature and number of properties involved, among other factors. One thing is for sure-it pays to plan for your future and it cannot be done in articulo mortis.

Based on my personal experience, and what I’ve seen from others who also experienced divorce or parental separation, it is my belief that children of divorce aren’t an overnight curable illness, but a process that lasts a lifetime. Some divorce or separation is necessary as to the abuse, drugs, and other harmful acts within the home. Regardless the reason for separation, the affected child never reaches their full potential. I too experienced parental separation at the age of 4 years old. I can remember not seeing my dad for days, and then weeks, to now it’s been over 5 years since I have seen or even spoken to him. At the age of 9 is when I can remember to question and ask about why my father is no longer in the picture. Some of the thoughts that would arise were, “Is it me?” Was I the cause of their separation?” He never assured me that he loved me or cared about me during those most important years. He never came to my football games to encourage me to push hard. When I look at my peers family structure, they all had a father there to support them and encourage them during those times. It never dawned on me that they may have questioned where my father was. Divorce is a personal choice made by each parent for their own best interest and not the child’s. When a family splits apart it automatically sends signals to the child that one of the parents no longer cares or values them. According to Kelly and Emery (2003) report that on average, nonresidential fathers see their children only 4 times per month following divorce and about 20% of children have no contact with their fathers 2-3 years after divorce. In contrast, non-residential mothers visit their children more frequently and are less likely to cease contact.

As I reflect and think back to the times of feeling alone, nothing can equate to the desire of having a father figure there. My biggest challenges were to compensate for the absence of my father to make me feel valued. Statistics show that children of similar circumstances utilize money, drugs, and promiscuity to fulfill these voids and needs. Children that live in intact families often experience these as well but those who are of a divorce guarantee these experiences.

Every child must have a balance of love and discipline from both mother and father. A separation reduces their discipline and forces the parent to avoid conflict to focus more on the immediate quality that’s being omitted from the child’s life. Those moments are needed as well in a child’s life. The absent parent never has to tell the child to turn off the TV and do homework, get up for school, because he/she isn’t there on school nights.

So much of life’s lessons has been lost and skills that would have been learned are no longer apart of the blueprint. School doesn’t teach these one-on-one coruses and its too late once in college to learn the basics of life. A mother and father exposes the child to those things that give them a balanced life. Without the whole family there are holes in the basics to be learned.

According to (Kidshealth 2015) As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents there for this conversation. It’s important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you’re going to manage telling your kids so you don’t become upset or angry during the talk. Involving the child is key to helping them adjust to all the changes that will affect them during the separation process. When my parents separated I lived with my mother who wore the hat of both during my years with her. I wasn’t a part of the process therefore it left many questions unanswered. Children don’t need all the information but to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives is vital.. All that’s needed to be understood is that there are changes going to be made and that it won’t affect the relationship between the child and the non-custodial parent. Exposure to both physical and mental illnesses originate in the traumatic loss of both parents through separation or divorce.

One of the effects of experiencing a divorce is a lack of communication skill between he or she mate in parallel to their parents when they reach adult hood. Being able to communicate that he/she is about to get married, or even communicate properly with their new mate could be an issue. The adjustment to becoming married themselves will be a challenge as they have no blueprint to model their new behaviors. Therefore parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem according to (AACAP, 2015).

As we begin to look at ways to solve the most common effects of divorce in children such as the fear of abandonment, truancy, changes in academics, disorganized behavior, and triangulation, I will uncover one of the most preventive methods used in managing behaviors in children of parental separation and divorce. The Preventive Triangulation Methodology is a study of processes that reduce external and internal conflicts within divorce settings to discover solutions and reduce the impact of stress in a practical environment. PTM also increases loyalty and reduces the fear of abandonment by both parents within these processes. By identifying these possibilities within the early stages of the PTM process you will also increase their rate of having a successful marriage transitioning into adulthood. One reason children act out their feelings is because they haven’t developed the necessary skills to communicate their feelings to an adult or their parents. So in turn the child may develop behavior issues at school that reflects in their grades, become socially isolated, or use drugs. The Preventive Triangulation Methodology consists of 3 different processes that identify and eliminate external and internal conflicts. The first process of PTM is to Identify Triggers. Self-awareness is the first and most crucial element that identifies what causes an individual to become angry or upset. So when a couple is experiencing a divorce or separation, the child should not be exposed to the negative interactions during the separation. By exposing the child to the upset parent or even the legalities of the divorce will trigger a disorganized behavior pattern and result in loss of loyalty to either one or both parents that onsets Triangulation. That’s why PTM is widely used to prevent such behaviors early in the pre-divorce process. PTM walks the couple through each phase of a divorce and identifies the what, when, and most importantly the how to communicate the separation in the most effective way possible without stress. Other programs and divorce models don’t give parents a roadmap to a successful divorce with a focus on child acceptance. One of the effects of experiencing a divorce is a lack of communication skill between he or she mate in parallel to their parents when they reach adulthood. Being able to communicate that he/she is about to get married, or even communicate properly with their new mate could be an issue. The adjustment to becoming married themselves will be a challenge as they have no blueprint to model their new behaviors. Therefore parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem according to (AACAP, 2015).

The Preventive Triangulation Methodology (PTM) is designed for the family that recognizes the need for a preventive method as well as the family who are looking for a set of process to have a successful and smooth transition. These set of processes are:

1. Phase of Understanding – This phase contributes the beginning of a counseling phase that helps the child understand what’s going on between their parents. Involving the child in the process allows them to understand what is happening, what will happen, and how they will become affected by the separation. This is crucial in the homes where the child may experience their parents emotional and psychological states diminishing. This phase also identifies the child behavior and exposes the data to establish self-awareness of the disorganized behavior.

2. Phase of Reassurance – This phase is considered the mending of the minds. Here we conduct group meetings and discuss issues with the child to encourage trust and loyalty among parent and child. Triangulation is the result of disloyalty and trust for a parent and the child chooses one over the other. Here we encourage a positive environment to experience both parents discussing the separation to reassure the child care will continue uninterrupted. Adult children of divorce often carry the baggage of their parents’ divorce and their distrust of relationships with a significant other into their own courtship and marriage. They tend to view, consciously or unconsciously, relationships and marriage as temporary, unstable and threatening. They are often simply waiting for betrayal and rejection by their partner or spouse. Because of those fears, they often completely avoid a potentially permanent, committed relationship and end up either simply alone or going through a series of uncommitted, shallow relationships (Thomas Merrill)

3. Phase of Continuous Reassurance – This final phase has a life cycle that continues until the child transitions into an adult. The reevaluation is done every 3 years to discover new and defeated behaviors. As the child transitions into a more independent role with children we work with that adult and their child to look for any patterns of disorganized behavior.

These set of processes are essential to a full recovery or preventive method to ensure continued trust and loyalty between child and non-custodial parents. The divorce consists of 6 stages that PTM addresses during the pre-divorce and post divorces stages. These stages include emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community, and psychic divorce. The emotional stage is a time when one or both parents are emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. During this period there is a loss of mutual respect, trust and affection. The legal stage can be quite challenging especially when property and children are involved. When trying to settle these issues, the couples are highly involved with the lawyers who advocate their client’s interest generally without regard to the other parent. The legal aspects can be an expensive plan. The economic stage consists of the settlement of property, the co-parental stage involves decisions concerning child custody, and the community stage involves changing social relationships. Usually the friends and family of the spouse are lost as a result of the separation.. In this stage of divorce, the couples experience a state of isolation and loneliness. The psychic divorce stage, the last of them all, is the redefining of self, the process of returning to singlehood. This process takes time and involves a distancing from and an acceptance of the break-up. The stage is similar to experiencing a death where the spouse distances themselves and accepts the breakup. The recovery time varies from individual to individual depending on the variables of the relationship.

Understanding the stages of a divorce is vital to the PTM process to know where each relationship lies within the divorce lifecycle. Upon the initial counseling meeting we are able to assess the individuals to make appropriate decisions to work with each client. We work with our clients throughout the entire lifecycle of the divorce to ensure the children of the transitioned divorced child to adulthood don’t repeat the cycle. Other programs only offer conflict resolution, parenting basics, and how to maintain positive parenting during stressful situations. We offer much more than the cookie cutter sessions and get to the bottom of what can resurface later in the child’s life and assist in monitoring their children as well for potential symptoms.

In conclusion, according to (Churchill, 2012) Regardless of age, children of divorce deeply resent the strains and difficulties which arise in long-held family celebrations, traditions, daily rituals, and special times, and rate these changes as major losses.60 Grown children continue to see their parents’ divorce very differently than do the parents. Judith Wallerstein, a clinical psychologist from San Francisco, was the first to disturb the nation in 1980 with her research on the effects of divorce on children.61 She found that 10 percent of children felt positively about their parents’ divorce, but 80 percent of the divorced mothers and 50 percent of the divorced fathers judged the divorce good for them 15 years after the divorce.

Most of the women who contact me want more than anything for their husband to change his mind about the separation or the divorce so that they can save their marriage and move on. This process is difficult enough, but it becomes a little harder when your husband begins to send you mixed signals or acts differently from one day to the next as far as the divorce is concerned.

Many women tell me that their husbands will be very cold and matter of fact one day only to act almost loving and nostalgic the next. Some days he will act is if a divorce is imminent and other days he won’t even mention it or will talk about their future together.

I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this problem and growing extremely frustrated. She said, in part: “about four weeks ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He told me that he intended to move out and file the divorce papers within the next few weeks. I was devastated and begged him to reconsider. A divorce is the last thing that I want and I’d be willing to do just about anything to save my marriage. He insisted that our marriage was over and that a divorce was the only course of action that made any sense. I’ve been trying to remain upbeat and positive and to not pressure him too much. Over the last week or two, he’s changed his attitude and behaviors. He’s stopped talking about the divorce. He has yet to move out or file the papers. There are days when he’s downright loving or affectionate to me. The other day, he tried to initiate sex. He seems almost jealous if he knows I’m around other people. I’m not complaining about his change in attitude but it confuses me. On one hand, I don’t want to say anything because I want to encourage these changes and I’m scared that if I ask, he’ll inform me that the divorce is still going to happen. But on the other hand, I’m afraid to get my hopes up. What if he’s just acting this way to make the divorce process easier for both of us? But the more loving he is to me, the more confused I get and the more I realize I desperately want him in my life. How do I know if he still wants a divorce?”

It’s almost impossible to know what is running through someone else’s head or what resides in their heart. In an every day marital situation where divorce isn’t on the horizon, it would make sense to just ask your husband what he’s thinking or what his intentions are. But, when your marriage is hanging in the balance and you might be facing a divorce, you often don’t want to say or do the wrong things. And there can be a real fear that if you straight out ask him if he still wants the divorce that he will reply that yes, not only does he still wanted it, but you’ve now reminded him that he needs to move forward with the process more quickly.

Why A Husband Will Sometimes Give You Mixed Signals About Still Wanting A Divorce: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is sending them mixed signals because he’s either trying to play some emotionally charged game, he’s trying to boost his own ego, he’s trying to maintain a good relationship despite the divorce, or he really does want them back and therefore no longer wants to split up.

Many of these options are possible. But very few people consider the possibility that he’s just as confused and unsure as you are. Ending your marriage and getting a divorce is an incredibly serious (and potentially final) decision. Husbands don’t always make that decision lightly. And, sometimes when the two of you begin to get along better or as he looks at you and still feels a bit of a spark or tug as his heart, he can begin to feel some doubts.

Many women assume that once a man asks for a divorce or even starts to mention one, this means that he’s fallen out of love with them or no longer wants them or the marriage and that his decision is final. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes, he does still love you (and might be well aware that he still loves you,) but he feels as though love isn’t enough or that things just can’t change quickly or dramatically enough to make the marriage work.

But sometimes, as the two of you start to interact in a more positive way or he looks at you and realizes how painful it might be to not have you in this life anymore, his resolve or certainty about the divorce can begin to waiver and this is when you might start to see those mixed signals that we’ve been talking about.

Consider Waiting To Ask Him If He Still Wants A Divorce Until The Answer Is Fairly Obvious: I know that it’s very tempting to just out and out ask him what he wants right now or what his intentions are. But, if you’re still getting mixed signals, this could likely mean that he just isn’t sure what he wants. So, it can sometimes be a bad idea to continuously question him or to insinuate that his indifference or confusion is frustrating you or causing you pain. Because often if you force him to make a choice, you run the risk of making the choice that you don’t want – which is him moving forward with the divorce.

In this case, the wife herself admitted that they were making a lot of progress. They were getting along better and they were actually having some fun together again. I felt that rather than rocking the boat and demanding answers, she was likely better off just continuing on the same path because it seemed to be working. I suggested she remain upbeat and positive because this truly does often bring much better results. As to her concern about determining if her husband wanted a divorce or not, I strongly suspected that this would become clear soon enough and that rushing things could potentially push the resolution that she was most trying to avoid.