Recent evidence from a 20 year study of families who have experienced divorce make it very clear that many efforts as a part of a divorce settlement which seeks to specify and set into a legal code the contact between children and their parents as well as expanded family members can and will have disastrous impacts on children. Children’s live experiences are not always such that fit neatly and nicely into a schedule which has to room for modification and adjustment. The impact that divorce decrees have on children is long lasting, not easily dealt with and can create negative growth situations even for the children of the children of the children involved.

A set of parents may make the decision that they no longer wish to be married and the courts will assist them to do so. BUT the court system and the officers thereof MUST act in a truly professional manner and take the well being and future of these children into account. Sometimes the parents and even extended family members will engage in a battle to settle their differences and use the children as pawns in that battle. Parents and all parties involved need to be encouraged to rise above their own petty ego and vengeance needs and carefully consider the welfare of the children involved.

Attorneys must resist the temptation to see a messy divorce situation as a way of spending more time and effort and therefore making more money for themselves byh aiding and abetting a vengeful battle. Encourage both parents to settle their differences without a prolonged battle and without infringing on each parent’s access to the children.

The research is particularly specific in regard to the need for a continuing relationship between the children and their biological father. The absence of this relationship will have a profound negative impact on the development of healthy self-esteem in the children involved. The court should work to avoid substituting legal language and easily written schedules which may appear to be unbiased and fair in a legal sense but which do not account for the specific and individualized growth and development needs of the children involved. In many cases, older children in particular may need to be given the option of determining of their own accord what kinds of visitation and access works for them and what really is in their own best interest.

It seems clear from my own professional experience that many attorneys have done a great service in encouraging divorcing couples to settle their differences in such a way as to not damage the children. Often this is done in such a way that the attorney might even not receive as high a fee as he or she would have received had they encouraged conflict. On the other hand, I have seen couples and families who may have been able to reestablish their marriage or at least a friendly relationship so that the children would not have to be caught in the middle if it were not for the absolute insistence of one or more of the attorneys involved to “make sure you get everything that you deserve,” or “Don’t’ give in to your emotions now that you have him or her exactly where you have always wanted him or her.” Of what great value is it when at the end of a long and lengthy court battle one or more of the parents is so deeply in debt that they cannot even afford reasonable food and housing for their children? If there are serious parental inadequacies which are potentially damaging to children this may be more appropriately an issue for Child Protective Services not the divorce court.

All individuals who find themselves involved in any level with the problems of and process of a divorce should familiarize themselves with the findings of the research of Dr. Judith Wallerstein. The evidence seems to conclude that very few if any problems are solved by divorce and many more are created by the legal battle involved in the divorce process. One set of problems are simply exchanged for completely different set of problems. The individuals most directly involved need help in understanding the implications of their decisions and how best to deal with those implications in their own life and of the lives of their children. Too often divorce is somehow expected to be a solution to existing problems but only serves to create more problems that were not expected. Parents and others involved in the divorce process should understand all aspects of the situation and not go into it blind – only finding out the real truth of the matter after it is too late to do anything about it.

In her book Second Chances as well as The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Dr. Wallterstein describes the results of her study of the impact of divorce on children and adults. Contrary to her expectations she found that when she conducted follow-up interviews most families were still in crisis. Their wounds were wide open. Turmoil and distress had not noticeably subsided. Many adults still felt angry, humiliated, and rejected, and most had not gotten their lives back together. An unexpectedly large number of children were on a downward course. Their symptoms were worse than before. Their behavior at school was worse. Their peer relationships were worse. The illusion she had held – that divorce can bring an end to marital conflict – was shattered. She observes:

“Divorce has ripple effects that touch not just the family involved, but our entire society. As the writer Pat Conroy observed when his own marriage broke up, “Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.” When one family divorces, that divorce affects relatives, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and scores of strangers. Although more people stay married than get divorced, divorce is not a them versus us problem: in one way or another, has been touched by it. Today, all relationships between men and women are profoundly influenced by the high incidence of divorce. Children from intact families are jittery about divorce. Teachers from all over the country tell me that their students come to school wide-eyed with fear, saying that their parents quarreled the night before and asking in terror, “Does that mean they are going to divorce?” Radical changes in family life affect all families, homes, parents, children, courtships, and marriages, silently altering the social fabric of the entire society.”

Sometimes two simple questions needs to be asked of litigants in a divorce case: “What do you really hope to gain from all of this?” and “What is the long term impact of what you seek on the well being and development of the children involved?” The wishes and needs of children need to be considered in all decisions and agreements. It may sound fair to award visitation to parents on an every other weekend basis from Saturday morning to Sunday night. But what impact might that have on the religious life of a child or even an entire family where a religious affiliation is an important of their stability, growth and well being. Attending one religious affiliation on one week and another one the following week is more likely to engender confusion, instability and emotional as well as spiritual distress all in the name of equal distribution. Perhaps it takes the wisdom of Solomon. Remember? Two women claimed a child and to settle the conflict he offered to slice the child into two parts so that each of them might have their portion. He knew immediately which mother had the best interests of the child at heart by her quick reaction to stop such an action. It may be perfectly acceptable for some children to have a “required” visitation on a school night but for others it may destroy their ability to succeed in school. There must be room for negotiation and modification to allow for the increasingly complicated schedule children find themselves in as they grow into their later teen years. Somehow the right of children to make decisions and make their own choices must be a reasonable part of the process and amenable to change rather then set into legalized stone.

Dealing with divorce in such a way as to allow for and encourage the positive growth and development of children is a difficult process and may indeed call for the wisdom of Solomon on the part of judges and officers of the court, but the attempt must be made to do a better job than seems currently evident.

When it comes to the Court Room, you will find this to be a pretty place. Once the divorce proceedings begin, the outcome of your divorce is in the hands of a total stranger – the Judge.

You no longer have control. All decisions will now be made by a stranger. Of course this stranger may be having a bad day, not feeling well, or even have had a major fight with their spouse the night before. I know it’s scary and may even seem unfair, but this is the real world and it happens all the time. This judge is now in control of the outcome of your trial.

Here are a few tips to help prepare you for the Court Room experience:

1. First, I strongly recommend you try to settle as many issues as possible before entering the Court Room. This means the judge won’t be in control of everything.
2. Do not expect the Judge will always make decisions in your favor. There are three directions the judge can go when making a decision: Your way, your spouse’s way, or the Judge’s way. As you can see, two out three are not in your favor.
3. Discuss how you should act, and when to speak with you attorney before going into the courtroom. Do not speak unless asked to do so by the Judge.
4. When addressing the Judge with respect by addressing him/her as “Your Honor.”
5. Never speak to or make comments to your spouse when you are before the Judge.
6. Leave all hostile and negative emotions at the door. Do not make faces or gestures when the judge or your spouse’s attorney is speaking. Judges see this and do not appreciate it.
7. Dress for success. Your attorney will have a certain strategy on how he/she wants you to be portrayed. Therefore, consult your attorney on how he/she wants you to dress.
8. Take notes. Don’t leave anything to chance. Your attorney will be very busy during the process and cannot remember or write everything down.
9. Be prepared and stay organized. Bring as much information, documentation and any pertinent documents that you possibly can with you. It is better to have too much ammunition than not enough.
10. Be prepared to be in the court house for some time. You will sometimes wait for hours before your case is called.

You can get more divorce tips and strategies at www.DivorceAmmo.com

Healing from a divorce does take time and people going through this process are apt to experience a range of emotions including sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, anxiety, frustration and depression.

The good news is that therapy can expedite the healing process and help people to view the end of their marriage in a more positive manner.

Some years ago, I developed a visualization technique based on Ericksonian Psychotherapy and Hypnosis and which seems to help many divorcing individuals to heal from their loss and to restore their overall well-being.

A description of this technique appears below.

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths as you listen to my voice.

Each time you breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. And every time you inhale you take in relaxation, peace and healing. And each time you exhale you let go of or diminish any pain, sadness or any negative or uncomfortable thought or unpleasant emotion.

So, your breath becomes a powerful healing tool. You can use your breath to adjust your mood whenever you need to do so.

And as you use your breathing to heal yourself, you may also discover that your mind can go back in time if you want it to do so.

And as you go back in time…

Do you remember when you were a little boy or a little girl?

You may remember what you looked like back then or you may have seen photos videos of yourself from your childhood.

You may also recall what the house you grew up in looked like.

Now, when you were a child, you probably fell down while running or while riding your bicycle. And most likely, you bruised your knee or your elbow. And your arm or your leg probably bled what felt like a lot back then.

Then your mom, dad or a neighbor came along and gave you a hug and comforted you.

They washed out the wound and applied an antiseptic to the injury. This probably that stung a bit. When it was placed on your wound, you may have felt like you were going to have to feel a little worse before you could feel a little better.

And then your caretaker applied a band aid or some gauze and tape that was just the right size to cover and protect your wound.

This helped you to feel less pain, a bit safer and a bit more secure.

The wound may have felt worse for the next day and for even a few more days or weeks.

You probably had to change the band aid every day or so. And you may have to wash the injured spot frequently.

But in time, the wound began to heal, even though you may have scratched it at times, like most kids do.

And after the passage of a little some more time, a scab formed, all the bleeding stopped and the old skin was replaced with news softer but tougher new skin.

After a little more time, the pain subsided almost completely. Though, you still had some good days and bad days with your wound.

Now, the pain from some wounds may not ever go away one hundred per cent.

Many of us have physical aches and pains that stay with us, but we push on in spite of them.

But, luckily, sometimes healing eighty or ninety percent is sufficient for us to carry on to feel generally okay.

As you can see, the mind heals from emotional losses and wounds in much the same way that it heals from physical injuries.

So, if you or someone you love is struggling with a loss, think about the process of healing described in the metaphor.

Perhaps it will to help to lessen your pain, allow you to heal and to move forward with your life with a more positive spirit.

Give it a try. Interestingly, this same technique has been used by people who are dealing with the death of a loved one.

10 Year Rule. Benefits are calculated based on the monthly average earnings of the covered person. A spouse can receive benefits based on his or her own work record or that of a spouse. For a spouse who has not worked or had low wages, then the lower-earning spouse is entitled to as much as one-half of the retired worker’s full benefit referred to as the Primary Insurance Amount (PIA). Eligible workers who are fully insured participants in the Social Security system will receive the greater of their own PIA or 50% of the benefit of the spouse if it is higher.

Example: If a Sally has a PIA calculated at $250 per month and her spouse Jack has a PIA of $1,000 per month, then Sally is eligible for a benefit of $500 per month (or 50% of Jack’s higher PIA).

Divorced spouses who have been married for at least ten years are eligible for benefits based on the PIA of the other spouse.

To begin receiving benefits, one has to be at least age 62 and not remarried. If the ex-spouse remarries, then benefits will be calculated and compared to the PIA of the new spouse. If that marriage ends by death or divorce, the ex-spouse may be eligible to PIA based on the prior marriage.

The amount of benefits that an ex-spouse receives does not impact the benefit available to the other spouse.

Either spouse who is at least age 62 and been divorced for at least two years may begin to collect benefits even if not yet retired.

Examples:

Which of the following persons is eligible for retirement benefits under her first husband’s retirement benefits provision of Social Security?

A.) Helen, age 62, married from 1966 to 1980 whose ex-husband was employed from 1963 through 1998. Helen got divorced in 1995, never remarried and her ex-husband has died.

B.) Jane, age 62, was married from 1969 to 1983. Her first husband was employed from 1963 to 2000. Jane has remarried, divorced and remarried again.

C.) Judy, age 63, was married from 1961 to 1990 to her first husband who was employed from 1968 to 2003. After the divorce she remarried in 1993 to her second husband who eventually died in 2004.

D.) Emily, age 60, was married to her first husband from 1963 to 1988. She remarried in 1994. Her husband had worked from 1968 to 1998.

E.) Susan, age 68, was married from 1980 to 1988 to her first husband who had been employed from 1963 to 2003. She remarried and divorced her second husband after 6 years.

Based on these examples, only Helen (example A) is eligible to collect a benefit based on her first husband’s work record. They had been married for more than 10 years, divorced for at least 2 years and is eligible based on age (over 62).

Jane (example B) is not eligible to collect based on the first husband because she is remarried.

Judy (example C) can collect under her second husband.

Emily (example D) is not yet eligible to collect because she is under age 62.

Susan (example E) is not eligible because she has been married for fewer than 10 years to both husbands. She would have to rely on her own work record for calculating her PIA.

For personalized help, you should consult with a qualified financial professional who has been trained in handling the special area of divorce financial planning such as a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER (TM) professional or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.

(For your convenience, I have prepared this list of “Post Divorce Do’s and Don’ts” which are applicable to Rhode Island divorces. Some may be applicable to your case and many will not be applicable. Please take a few minutes to read this. If you have any questions about this article or need any legal help please contact a Rhode Island divorce attorney) Artilce by David Slepkow 401-437-1100

Do’s

Keep accurate records of child support, alimony, or other property settlement payment(s). In the event that there is a dispute as to whether or not you have made payments, accurate records are important for proof of payment.

If you have a property settlement agreement in your case, any changes to the property settlement agreement must be in writing and signed by both parties.

In the event that you do not have a property settlement agreement and there is only a final judgment in your case, changes can only be made by application to the court for a modification of the final judgment based on a substantial change of circumstances.

If visitation of your children is in dispute, keep accurate records of your visitations documenting dates, times, activities and/or confrontations with your ex-spouse.

If your ex-spouse is on “welfare” (afdc benefits) then do not make direct payments to her or him! You must make the payment to the State of Rhode Island. In the event that your ex-spouse is on welfare and you make payments directly to her/him, then these payments will be considered a gift. The State of Rhode Island (RI) will still pursue you for the child support payments, despite the fact that you have made the payments to your ex-spouse directly. This means that you will have to make double payments of child support.

Do not modify the property settlement agreement by an oral agreement. ALL changes to a property settlement agreement must be in writing, signed by both parties.

Do not make cash payments of alimony or child support without a signed receipt from your ex-spouse.

If you make payments directly to your child or buy anything for your child, these payments will be considered gifts to your child and will not be a credit towards child support. Therefore, if you want these types of payments to be considered child support, they must be given directly to your spouse as child support.

If there is a restraining order or no contact order in your case, do not contact your ex-spouse without the restraining order being dismissed. Even if your ex-spouse initiates the communication or invites you over, you could still be arrested for violating the restraining order. Any type of communication is a violation of the restraining order including e-mails, letters, faxes or voice mail messages. Do not rely on your ex-spouse’s insistence that a restraining order has been dismissed. You need to verify with the Clerk of the Rhode Island Family Court that the restraining order has been dismissed.

Important Information

If your circumstances change, look into filing a motion to modify alimony, immediately. This only applies if the alimony is modifiable. If there is a property settlement agreement that is incorporated into the final judgment that states that alimony is non modifiable then the alimony is non modifiable. If there is no property settlement in your case and an award of alimony, then the alimony is probably modifiable upon a substantial change in circumstances. A substantial change of circumstances could be a loss of income, loss of a job or a disability etc.

A. Child Support

Child support does not automatically terminate when your child reaches eighteen (18) years of age. Child support will automatically accrue unless a Motion to Terminate Child Support is filed.

If you are the parent with physical placement of your child/children and your income significantly decreases or your ex-spouse’s income significantly increases, then you should contact a lawyer to file a Motion to increase your child support payments.

If you are the parent without physical placement of your child and your income decreases significantly or your ex-spouse’s income significantly increases, then you should contact a lawyer to file a Motion to lower your child support obligation. If you cannot pay your child support because of a change in circumstances you need to file a motion to modify child support immediately otherwise you can be subjected to a contempt proceeding for failure to pay child support.

It is possible to dissolve your marriage from your former spouse, but it is not possible–and never will be possible–to dissolve your co-parenting relationship. She will always be your son’s mother. He will always be your daughter’s dad. You thought you were free, free, free at last, but the tie to your child’s other parent can never be undone.

Here are some inescapable truths it would be good to accept sooner rather than later:.

1. You may be happy to not have to deal with your former spouse every day, but your kids may still have regular interactions that will affect them.

As long as you were still married and still living in the same house, you were still keeping an eye on each other. If your wife did something to get the kids upset, you were there to step in and mitigate the situation. If she was letting them watch inappropriate movies or keeping them up too late or letting them go to school inappropriately dressed, you still had an influence. Once you are divorced, your kids are on their own when they spend time with her. You have no control over whom she introduces them to–or even leaves them with. She has the right to ask her alcoholic mother or her creep of a neighbor whom she scarcely knows to baby-sit.

2. You have to be much more careful with your relationship with a former spouse than with a spouse.

Let’s say that you and your former spouse split time with the kids 50-50. With the approval of a judge, a custody schedule gets put in place. Now let’s say your parents are coming to town and the only time they can come is your husband’s weekend. If you haven’t established a good relationship with him, why should he be flexible and switch weekends so the kids can see their grandparents?

The irony is that to have any pull, you have to be kinder, more sensitive and a better communicator than when you were married. You have to show more concern and listen more deeply. Skills like active listening will help keep the lines of communication open. The more your former spouse feels that you actually care about his happiness, the more open he will be to your suggestions and requests.

3. Your life will go better when your former spouse’s life goes better.

As much as you may have fantasies about your ex-wife’s life going to pieces (I used to dream about pouring sugar down my ex’s gas tank), remember, that is like wishing your kids’ lives will also go to pieces 50% of the time. You want your kids to be happy. You want their life to be stable. Your former spouse having a job that fulfills her, that pays well, that has benefits–all that will make your life easier. As much as you might get some secret satisfaction seeing her inconvenienced by, say, her car breaking down, it will be your kids standing in front of the school waiting to be picked up. And even if that is not the case, you want your kids’ parent to be as relaxed and happy as possible so she will have the resources of calm and patience needed for good parenting.

4. Nothing in your relationship anymore is about you being right or wrong, about things being fair or unfair: The only metric you’ll care about is whether it is good for the kids or not.

When you are still in the marriage, it is important to do whatever you can to bolster the relationship because a strong marriage supports children’s development. Once you are divorced, however, the first filter through which you evaluate any decision will be the effect on the kids. That is not easy! It can be hard to see what will be best for your kids down the road. When your ex-husband remarries, for example, you may well be torn apart that another woman will be combing out your daughter’s hair, reading her a bedtime story and tucking her into bed. That is your job! How could it be good for your girl that you aren’t doing that for her? But a stepmother may well give her so much–love, advice, structure, support, a different perspective. She may even help your ex-husband be a better father.

5. Kids are able to accept a lot of changes as long as they believe that both their parents believe the change is for the best. Your job is to make your kids believe that you support your former spouse.

As broken up as I you might be about your ex getting remarried, make it your job to speak well of your daughter’s stepmother and to be excited for your daughter about her part in their wedding. Never burden your daughter with your doubts and fears for her. Instead, reassure her that her stepmom will love her and do what was best for her. From time to time things might happen that are pretty different from the way you might handle them. Just tell your daughter, your stepmom is smart and has a lot of good ideas. Let’s give this one a chance. (Unless she really is an evil person, in the greater scheme of things, everything will work out).

6. Even when the kids turn 18 and the legal custody schedule expires, you will still have to deal with your children’s other parent.

One divorced dad used to say, “Just wait until high school graduation. Then we won’t have to play this game anymore.” Wrong. So wrong. Once the child is free from a custody schedule, he has to decide for himself how much time to spend at mom’s house and how much at dad’s. What was a legal ruling becomes a question of convenience or a popularity contest. Young adults are still essentially self-centered creatures. They will gravitate to whichever house is easier. Maybe dad’s house is easier in that it is in the town where most of her friends are. Maybe mom’s house is easier in that he can retreat to the basement and large screen t.v. and basically be left alone in his own man cave. Additionally, the lack of a clear custody schedule makes it much easier for one parent to manipulate the children either with guilt or outright bribes of cars or iPhones or whatever the current hot thing to have is.

7. Even when the kids become adults and move away, you will still have to deal with your children’s other parent.

Don’t you want to be at hand for your child’s wedding? Don’t you want to walk your daughter down the aisle? Give a toast to the happy couple? Be at the birth of your first grandchild? At the grandchild’s first birthday? You can see the list goes on. Again, the irony of your post-divorce life is that you want to have the best relationship possible with your child’s other parent. You might like to wish her to Hades, but if your ex-spouse is not in the picture, there will be a gaping hole in your child’s heart that you cannot fill. In day-to-day life, your child might not miss her other parent, but when she gets that award or big promotion, a part of her will be thinking, “Look, Dad, what I did! Wouldn’t you be proud of me?”

Your former spouse never has to become a good friend, but you should aim for someone you feel benign towards. You should work towards being generally interested in how he is doing and what is going on in his life. You should at least be warmly cordial. Think how you might like your child’s in-laws to treat you. You don’t have to go out for drinks together, but you do have to make pleasant conversation at the 4th of July barbecue.

The bottom line here is that like diplomacy among nations, the more you are in natural opposition, the more important it is to work towards détente. Not only is it the surest way to protect your children, it will add to your own sense of security and well-being.

Going through divorce is never an easy process. It doesn't help that there's a great deal of confusion regarding the actual legal steps and requirements along the way. This guide will offer some insight specifically into Maryland divorce FAQs for individuals and couples residing in the state.

What are the grounds for absolute divorce in Maryland?

Maryland recognizes a handful of different grounds for absolute divorce. The first is a 12 month continuous separation period, during which the two parties have been residing separately, in separate places of abode, without martial relations or cohabitation, continuously and uninterruptedly for the wholeety of the separation period. After this, a complaint for absolute divorce may be filed.

One new avenue that applies to certain couples is that of mutual consent. With mutual consent, there is no minimum separation period. However, it only applies to parties who have no minor children in common, and those who have a signed, legal separation agreement or Marital Settlement Agreement, which has resolved all issues arising out of the marriage, including but not limited to alimony and division of marital property.

Beyond those two, there are other grounds for divorce. These include adultery, cruelty, desertion, excessively vicious conduct, insanity, and the conviction of certain crimes whereby the party is incarcerated for three years or more.

What's the difference between absolute and limited divorce, as well as fault and no fault, and contested vs. uncontested divorce?

-Absolute vs. Limited Divorce: Absolute divorce is the official legally decreed end to a marriage. Limited divorce is utilized in certain circumstances, usually when the Parties cannot establish grounds for an Absolute Divorce. However, with a Limited Divorce, the marriage is not officially terminated and the Parties cannot remarry.

-Fault vs. No Fault: There are different grounds for either fault or no fault divorce. In Maryland, the 12 month separation and mutual consent decrees are both no fault divorces, while the other grounds for absolute divorce discussed above are considered at fault.

-Uncontested vs. Contested: Uncontested divorces are those in which the two parties have come to their own solution, either before filing for divorce, or during the divorce, whether through mediation or negotiation, by way of separation agreement or Marital Settlement Agreement.

What are the rules for separation and separation agreements for Maryland divorce?

Separation agreements are not required in the state of Maryland, although they are helpful in certain circumstances. As far as separation periods, the 12 month separation period is one ground for absolute divorce, while mutual consent has no separation period requirement.

Of course, this has all been a very brief overview of some of the most pressing frequently asked questions about divorce in Maryland. For more information on your own case or circumstances, be sure to consult with an experienced attorney in your area who can provide you with guidance on your best course of action.

After a marriage breaks up, about the last thing most people want to do is sit down with one more attorney. But no matter how old you are or whether you have kids, it’s important to consult both financial and legal experts to make sure you have an updated estate and financial plan for your new life once the divorce decree is final.

It’s also best to blend estate planning with financial planning post-divorce. If you weren’t working with a financial or estate planner during the divorce process, it’s time to do so now. The immediate months after a divorce can be disorienting and even if you don’t move, you are literally starting a new household that you will have to direct yourself, and that means new money issues to face.

This is why the weeks immediately after a divorce are a good time to revisit short- and long-term spending and planning goals. Here’s a general road map to guide that process:

Start with a financial planner: Whether you plan to stay single, remarry or move in with a new partner, it’s good to get a baseline look at your finances as early as possible after the divorce is final. Expenses for the newly single can pile up quickly and unexpectedly, and a financial planning professional can help you review your new current spending and savings needs, compare strategies to achieve long-term goals like college and retirement and give you critical tools to protect your assets and loved ones if you die suddenly. Even if you have a good relationship with an ex-spouse and you addressed key issues for your children as part of the divorce proceedings, you need to revisit all these issues as a single individual before you move on to the next stage.

Talk with a trained estate planning attorney about wills and other critical documents: True, there are software programs and other kit solutions available to write basic wills, powers of attorney and certain simple trust agreements. But it makes sense to coordinate the activities of a financial planner with an estate planning attorney who can tailor an overall estate plan specific to your needs no matter how basic they might be right now. Even if you are very young with few assets, it makes sense to get some solid advice in this area so you’ll be able to manage such planning as you age and your finances get more complex.

Particularly if you have kids, such planning is important if you plan to remarry and if you want to guarantee that specific assets are guaranteed for them when you die. In some cases where a spouse dies unmarried with minor children, an ex-spouse might automatically gain control of assets that were supposed to be earmarked for the kids. If you don’t want that to happen, you need to plan for that legally.

Make a guardianship game plan for your kids: It’s not enough to plan how money and assets will go to your children if you or your ex-spouse die suddenly or are incapacitated. If your children are minors, it’s particularly important to make sure you and your ex-spouse have a guardianship plan for their upbringing as well as any assets they may inherit. You might completely trust your ex-spouse’s new husband, wife or partner to raise your kids if your ex-spouse dies before you, but there may be others better-equipped to handle this. So spell that out now. Also, if there are any trust or wealth issues that will become effective for your children once they reach adulthood, it’s also important to establish an efficient legal structure for distributing those assets as well as appointing a trustee in a will to train and guide your kids through that financial transition.

Plan for special needs kids: If one of your children is disabled and is expected to need lifetime assistance of some type, then you should consult a qualified attorney to help you create a special needs trust. It will help protect your child from having to give up any public or social financial assistance as well as access to special doctors, medical help, special prescriptions or treatments that could be taken away if they were to personally inherit assets that would disqualify them for these programs. When such assets are held in trust, they are not counted as the child’s assets. The advantage is that those inherited assets may still be used to support their housing or other personal living needs without adversely impacting qualifying for government aid programs.

Get solid protection in place: Most people focus on what may happen to their health insurance if they get divorced, but insurance issues like life, property/casualty and disability insurance are sometimes put on the back burner. If you’re newly single, you definitely need the best health coverage you can afford for yourself and your kids, but life, property, liability and disability insurance become doubly important, particularly if you failed to address those needs during the divorce. Even if your ex-spouse is cooperative with financial support, it’s wise to insure yourself as if they weren’t. A financial planner should be able to go through those options in detail.

Review all your investments for primary ownership and beneficiary information: Even if you were advised correctly to change the names on assets you and your spouse were dividing between yourselves, it still makes sense post-divorce to review that the names are indeed correct on those assets, and most important, to make sure all beneficiary information is correct.

Manage Your “Windfall”: People may mistakenly believe that just because they are smart in other areas in life that they can make investing decisions after going through an emotionally-trying event like divorce. It’s important to not be blinded by the sudden windfall one might receive. There are long-term issues to consider. And as tempting as it may be to blow off some steam with a vacation, a new car or truck or even a wardrobe, people have to think about the day after tomorrow. Now is not the time to bet the ranch on No. 3 at the Roullette table or the next high-flying stock you heard someone mention while at the gym.

That’s why it’s important not to go overboard with a little needed R&R but stash the majority of what may be received into cash to help supplement the emergency fund, cover debt service and any future moves in career or home. By meeting with a financial planner professional soon after the divorce, one can outline short- and longer-term goals to get prepared. Save any drastic changes to investment allocations or decisions to when things get settled down (maybe 3 or 6 months after the divorce is final).

Some states follow community property rules and other states follow equitable distribution rules for divvying up assets during a divorce. However, regardless of the state’s rules, the math typically equals out to half.

Fighting the “half” is not productive. Instead you need to familiarize yourself with what needs to be split in half. The courts cannot half your separate property to your spouse. Figuring out which property is separate is the magic of a good divorce lawyer

Separate Property or Community Property

Separate property is “separate” and not part of the half being divides. It consists of things like property that a spouse purchased before the marriage, inheritance of once spouse and gifts during the marriage given as separate property. However, if you have separate property and use monies earning during the union to maintain it, it then is considered community property. Also, when you deposit monies given as an inheritance into a joint bank account, it is considered community property.

Community property is equally divided by the courts between the spouses during a divorce. This includes real estate, 401Ks, pensions, businesses and debts. Equal distribution means that the court looks at several things to ensure each spouse receives equal liabilities and assets. Consideration can be given in situations where a spouse doesn’t work, there has been a lengthy marriage, or the earning of one spouse is significantly greater than the other. Community property states may give deference to these issues as well.

Dividing 401K or IRA

In community property states, retirement accounts, such as 401Ks and IRAs are usually divided equally between spouses during a divorce. In an equal distribution state, the judge hearing the case will rule on what is fair or equitable but not necessarily equal. Keep in mind that spouses have the right to make agreements about who will receive assets like IRAs and 401Ks. It’s not uncommon for trade-offs to be made during a divorce. For example, one spouse may request to keep the whole 401K in exchange for another asset. If you should decide to do this, it’s important to have a divorce lawyer draft a marital settlement agreement

Dividing a Business

Both spouses have ownership rights in divorce. Whether it’s a retail business, medical practice or restaurant, there probably community property interests. The professional business is the typical case we see the most problems with. A professional business is when one spouse is in business as a doctor, account, or lawyer. There is value in the business which should be divided.

There are basically three methods of dealing with a business when there is a divorce: Co-ownership, selling the business, or buying out the other spouse’s interest. With co-ownership, both partners continue to own the business after the divorce. It’s important to note that this method only works well if both spouses have a level of trust in the other’s management skills or a solid working relationship. If not, it can be a recipe for disaster.

There are pros and cons to selling the business and dividing the profits. On the upside, spouses can avoid financial ties to each other and use the proceeds to launch their own business venture. The downside is that many businesses take time to sell. It can take months and even year to get it sold.

Buying out the other spouse’s interest is when one spouse keeps the business and pays for the other spouse’s interest. This works well when the buying spouse has enough liquid assets or cash for the transaction. In addition, other assets can be used to offset the purchase, such as securities, IRAs and the equity in a home.

Who Gets the House?

You may want to keep the house because of kids or having an emotional attachment. However, you need to think about what’s actually best in the long run. Not all spouses can maintain the same lifestyle after a divorce. No matter how attached you are to your home, and it’s critical to know whether or not you can afford to keep it. There’s a mortgage, maintenance and property taxes to think of. And if you don’t have the funds, serious financial trouble can loom on the horizon.

Is there equity in the home? If not then you are not fighting for an asset, you are fighting for a debt. Another important thing to consider is whose name is on the mortgage. The title is who owns the home, can title can be change freely. The mortgage is the obligation, or debt of the home. We have never seen a mortgage company change the name or release one spouse from the obligation. Changing a mortgage requires a refinance, which requires credit approval.

In a community property state, judges are bound to ensure that community property gets divided as evenly as possible. If you purchased a home together and it has $100,000 in equity, one spouse may get the home but have to buy out the other spouse for his or her $50,000 share. The judge may even order that the home be sold. Even if the home is in your name only, you are not permitted to sell it without court approval or your spouse’s consent.

Dividing Debt

Debt is treated just like an asset. It must be divided. The wrinkle is that the debt holders are not obligated to a divorce decree. So, if you take the debt of a credit card with his name, the credit card can still go after your spouse if you miss the payments. We typically look for the named debtors to take the debt. Sometimes this takes creative lawyering to accomplish.

A good divorce attorney can educate you on your state’s rules pertaining to the dividing up of assets in the event of a divorce. This legal professional can also render good advice on how to handle community property and separate property during a divorce. If you try to go it alone, you may give up something that you’re legally entitled to.

Family businesses often struggle in the period leading up to divorce. It can be hard to tell cause from effect: financial pressures can lead to marital pressures, and marital problems often carry over to the office. Divorcing co-owners are often distracted by the stress of the process and actively avoid each other. Communications break down, business arguments occur that are really proxies for home arguments and parties tend to put off difficult decisions because of uncertainty about the future.

However, people can navigate a divorce and continue working together in a family business. It takes extra effort and planning, but it can be done. Before the divorce is finalized, divorcing couple should consider the following:

• Who owns what percentage of the business going forward? How much is each person paid? If one person is going to be putting in significantly more time or effort than the other after the divorce, many couples find it fair to give that person extra ownership or compensation.
• Make sure the income stream from the business dovetails with support or maintenance obligations in the most tax-efficient way.
• Map out both parties’ responsibilities to make sure as little as possible slips through the cracks. Maybe even tinker with titles.
• Consider formalizing lines of responsibility if you need to clarify who is the boss.
• Decide what kinds of action require both parties to agree.

At the same time, divorcing couples should commit to more structured interaction going forward:

• Establish regular meetings, with formal agendas that both parties generate together, so that the day-to-day concerns of running the business are broken down into manageable pieces.
• Consider working with a conflict coach if it may help to bridge communication styles.
• Keep business and personal debt and finances as separate as possible.
• Work with an accountant to set up the right internal procedures for unrelated co-owners.
• Make accounting and finances transparent to reduce room for distrust. For instance, you both should get regular reports.

Also, other parties have a stake in the divorcing couple’s success, such as:

• Banks that might still want both parties to be jointly and severally responsible for personal guaranties.
• Customers and vendors who may wonder what is going on.
• Employees, consultants and advisors who may have been caught in the middle between the spouses.

Finally, both parties should commit to rejuvenating the company. It may take time and effort, but striving together toward a common goal may help repair the frayed work relationship between former spouses.

An attorney or mediator with relevant experience may be able to help guide a couple through the process. Sometimes it even makes sense to bring in a specialist in addition to their divorce lawyer or mediator, since mechanically much of the agreement falls outside the divorce decree.

Although working together after divorce takes work, with the right structure and expectations in place many people manage it successfully.