There are four primary parameters of human existence, according to existential theory. These four parameters, or givens, include isolation, freedom, death, and meaninglessness. This article addresses isolation and offers some ideas for how to alleviate the pain of isolation.
There are three types of isolation. The first is interpersonal isolation, or loneliness, which speaks of being isolated from other people for various reasons. For instance, we can feel isolated due to mental illness, geographic distance, lack of appropriate social skills, or loss.
The second type is intrapersonal isolation, which is the result of separating from certain aspects of oneself. We may be cut off from our feelings, we may deny our wants and needs, or we may distrust our own intelligence or intuition, for example.
The final type is existential isolation, which is that infinite separation that exists between oneself and others, no matter how close they may be. This is the place that gives rise to the common expression “No matter who is with you when you die, you die alone.” Sometimes we counter this isolation by blurring our boundaries to enmesh ourselves with others, which results in the loss of ourselves. Or we learn to distance ourselves from people (e.g., aloofness, mental illness), or even to become self-effacing, in order to avoid the pain of rejection.
Isolation seems to be so much a part of the human experience that Erik Erikson incorporated it into his theory of human development. Specifically, he uses the terms Identity versus Identity Diffusion, Intimacy versus Isolation, and Integrity versus Despair, all of which can describe various aspects of isolation. For instance, if a woman has developed a sense of identity diffusion and enmeshment, she might be prone to experiencing empty nest syndrome during midlife when her children leave home and develop their own identities as adults. If she loses the intimacy of marriage and a supportive social structure, she could experience a deep sense of interpersonal isolation, or even despair.
If isolation is an integral part of the human existence, what can be done to counteract its inherent pain? This is easiest if we look at the three types individually.
Interpersonal isolation can be alleviated by creating and maintaining a strong social support system. Think of family (or not), friends, colleagues, and professionals such as mental health therapists, coaches, energy workers, organizations, and so forth.
Intrapersonal isolation can be alleviated by paying attention to who we really are, and by honoring our true self. That means know what we’re thinking and feeling, know what we believe and why, acknowledge our wants and needs and values, and learn to trust our own intuition and insight.
Existential isolation can be alleviated by choosing a belief system that makes us feel connected with something greater than ourselves. A belief system that allows us to feel that even when we lose our connection to others and to ourselves, we’re still not completely alone. Sometimes it’s this alone that keeps us going when we might otherwise give up completely.
