S&M, or sadomasochism, has a bad reputation. I hear a lot of stories from people who say they practice S&M with their beloved.

I also get a lot of questions about S&M and people wanting to know how to get their love to be a dominatrix or how to get their love to stop being a dominatrix because it’s not working for them. I mean, there’s pain and there’s pain.

So let me set the story straight.

The Game

Okay, let’s get one thing straight, S&M is not a way of completely dominating your partner and making him or her your own personal slave (sexual or otherwise), although I do hear lots of stories that claim otherwise.

These stories just aren’t true.

I’m sure there are plenty of dominant women who would love to put your balls through a cheese grater because you didn’t do the dishes, but I don’t really think many people are really up for that sort of thing.

No, S&M is, for “ordinary” couples about exploring the limits of acceptable pain without causing physical or mental harm.

So in the familiar context of a healthy marriage it would be, say, tying your partner face down on the bed with his or her ass in the air and administering a caning — hard enough to hurt, hard enough to make them beg you to stop (which you won’t… not immediately, at any rate), but not hard enough to cause trauma and distress.

Perhaps your beloved is a little timid. Maybe you want her to be a little more forceful in her demands of the flesh.

Well, S&M is a tantalizing way to get her to treat you like the naughty boy you’ve been.

First…

Buy a Blindfold, Handcuffs and a Riding Crop

Very often men and women ask me where to start with S&M and I almost instinctively respond with “buy a blindfold, handcuffs and a riding crop”.

Blindfolds allow you to use the rest of your senses to heighten the pleasure.

You cannot see what your beloved is about to do to you. You have no idea if it’s going to tickle, tease, or torture. You just know she’s in charge and you want it.

And of course, the handcuffs mean she can restrain you exactly where she wants you, because she has that riding crop for a reason.

No, she won’t leave you bleeding from the balls because you didn’t vacuum the rug, but she might put a few stripes across your ass for being lazy… because you know you deserve them.

Or, she might bring you almost to climax tantalizingly slowly with a handful of lube and her skilled fingers, but not allow you to cum… and then do it again a few more times.

And then leave you for a while so she can go and have a bath; then she can return and do it all over again.

Eventually, she might let you cum.

But only after she’s done cumming herself, though, pleasuring herself with her favourite toy in front of you while you can only watch in frustrated desire.

Once she realizes how much she loves to tease you, she’ll likely get a whip and some chains, too.

Then you’re in real trouble.

But, then, that’s what you really want, isn’t it?