Sexual desire and pleasure is our birthright. After all, we were created naked and with different genitals. There must have been a plan in mind. We are sexual beings from the day we’re born until the day we die. Sex is fundamental to our lives and seems to be the area of life that most deeply touches our most personal issues. Our sexuality is a core expression of who we are. We can hide with sex, we can hide from sex, but we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide.

Why have sex? Well, it is well known that sex enhances our lives in multiple ways, both psychologically and physically.

Health benefits include lower blood pressure, overall stress reduction, higher levels of antibodies so fewer colds and flews, burns calories, good exercise, improves cardiovascular health, boosts self-esteem, releases endorphins which makes physical pain decline and helps lift depression; reduces risk of prostate cancer; promotes sleep.

Interpersonally, good sex may be only 20% of a good relationship (80% when it’s bad), but it’s a crucial 20%. Orgasm increases the level of oxytocin, a hormone that allows us to nurture and to bond. Hence, sex increases love and connection even on a purely biological basis. Sex is an arena that is particular and special to a couple. We let ourselves be known to our sexual partner in a way that we don’t share with anyone else.

A couple who has a satisfying sex life is more able to create and sustain a long-term loving relationship. It is well known that people in stable relationships are thought to be more productive in their jobs, have better health and live longer.

The most rewarding sexual experiences are much more rich, diverse, and creative than the “get it up, get it in” approach. And sexual responsiveness has absolutely nothing to do with being able to meet the culture’s prototype of sexual attractiveness. Rather, it grows from connections of hearts, minds, and bodies. Truly good sex begins with a willingness to be open and vulnerable and to give and receive pleasure and nurturing freely. The psychological ability to share intimacy, both physical and emotional, is essential for good sex, but being intimate (as we’ll discuss later) is an art that confuses and even terrifies many individuals.

Good sex, then, is a complex concoction of openness and secrecy, risk and control, personal satisfaction and mutual fulfillment. Good sex requires an ability to be totally immersed in the moment (which is difficult for most people), ever-present to the sensuality of ourselves, our partner and our lives.

Sustaining a healthy, balanced sex life requires mindful attention to our senses, to the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual dimensions of ourselves, as well as our relationship with our partners. We must KNOW OURSELVES (“KNOW THYSELF”) to know what we want and need sexually. Then we need to have the courage and self-assurance to communicate these desires to our partner, even in the face of possible rejection. Also, we need to have relinquished some of the layers of narcissistic self-consciousness that, when young, may have prevented us from being truly attuned to another person’s reality and needs.

What I’m saying is: good sex requires PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY (which we all have because we’ve lived for a while now and have learned some things along the way.)

Mature lovers are more likely to experience not just satisfying sex, but are more likely to experience sexual ecstasy. Certain states may occur in sex where the boundaries of self are suspended in merger with the “other”. This kind of, well, self-transcendence, can open the channels to experiencing a sense of a broader, more universal connection.

Let’s see what the dictionary says about “ecstasy”: rapturous delight; intense joy; mental transport or rapture from the contemplation of divine things; displacement; trance; a shared sense of being taken or moved out of one’s self or one’s normal state, and entering a state of intensified feelings so powerful as to produce a trance-like dissociation from all but the single powerful emotion; this trance or rapture is associated with mystical exaltation.

Eastern societies routinely equate sexual ecstasy with spiritual enlightenment. Only in Western civilizations is there a chasm between sex and God.

So, it’s all good, right? Everything from lowering your blood pressure to experiencing mystical exaltation points to the fact that sex is a good thing.

But if it’s such a good thing, why are so many people not having sex?..or are subject to various sexual dysfunctions, compulsions or perversions?

The fact is that few of us will ever seize the opportunity to explore the full range of our sexual possibilities. One writer I read referred to those who achieve the heights of sexual fulfillment as “the blessed few”.

Why so few? According to a recent survey, one in five Americans is not interested in sex. According to recent estimates, more than one-third of the women in the United States have problems with low sexual desire. Even this statistic may be low, as people may be embarrassed to respond to the interviewer honestly. “Diminished sexual desire” in women, considered by some to be an epidemic, is the diagnosis “du jour” for many sex researchers and therapists.

The loss of sexual desire can undermine a person’s perception of herself, her relationship to her body and may cause an irreparable strain in her relationship. Chances are if her excitement for sex is diminished, her excitement for life in general is somehow compromised.

So why are there only the “blessed few”? One in five is “not interested”???? A third to a half of American women has no desire for sex???? What’s wrong with this picture? Why are so few people actually interested in having sex, exploring it, heightening it?

There are many, many reasons that people eschew sexual pleasure.

First, there are societal/cultural/religious influences. We live in a sex-negative culture. For instance, most Western societies do not support sexual education and development. Parents are still battling to eliminate whatever beleaguered sex education courses are offered in the schools (which, by the way, focus on procreation exclusively), stating that educating children about sex is the purview of the home. Yet, in the homes, silence is the order of the day and kids are still left to figure it out for themselves.

When children are left to their own devices, they are subjected to misinformation from peers and their own fantasies about what sex is. If they become fixated at these levels, there’s more of a chance that they’ll grow up with certain sexual problems. (perversions, dysfunctions and compulsions)

Western culture has historically done much to harm sexuality. Vestiges of the Victorian and Puritan eras, with their emphasis on exclusively procreative sex and discomfort with the idea of sexual pleasure, still resonate with many people, at least on an unconscious level. Sex is evil; sex is sin and eternal damnation.

(which has been a big problem in the Christian community throughout history, and still can resonate down from our own parents’ generation).

Today, we have the “free love” of the 70’s behind us, a growing understanding of sexuality in the mental health field, the significance of the women’s movement and the impact of the communications industry which have combined to break down some barriers to sexual understanding. But we STILL live in a sex-negative culture. The sexual terrain of our times, especially after AIDS, is filled with fear, uncertainty and reactivity – for “normal” people, never mind neurotics, homosexuals, alternative sexualities (BDSM), cross-dressers, people who embrace polyamory rather than monogamy,– AND for the baby-boomers who are trying to forge a new paradigm for sexy aging.

We still get mixed messages from the culture about sex. We’re still confused. “Sex is dirty, save it for someone you love.” Does sex have to be illicit for it to be good? Sex belongs as part of a committed relationship, which connotes high values but low passion. Honor and virtue do not seem to combine well with hot, trembling, lusty sex. Men in this culture still suffer from the “Madonna/Whore Complex”. Some men choose both but will have to be dishonest about it, thus making a tear in the fabric of the integrity of their primary relationship.

Then there’s the societal influence of new technology. The permeating influence of cybersex/pornography on men’s ability to attach and bond to a real, vital woman is a significant barrier to sexual intimacy. Divorce attorneys from the American Bar Association report that a whopping 50% of all divorces are the result of the husband’s addiction to cybersex – that is — pornography, chat rooms, webcam sex, ads for prostitutes, dominatrixes, female bondage and humiliation, the fetish of your choice.

Women, for their part, are encouraged to adorn themselves to be sexually desirable, but not to be sexual. In their historical roles as the guardians of morality, they fail as women if they “succumb” to their (base) sexual natures and allow for the experience of sexual pleasure. Religious traditions have, in fact, been part of this split way of understanding sexuality. The idea of sex as sin outside of marriage and sex as duty inside of marriage is still alive in the collective unconscious and has gone far to undermine the acceptance of sexual pleasure as normal and healthy. These antiquated ideas that there is something morally perverse about a woman who enjoys sex are cultural imprints that unconsciously paralyze many women when they try to experience their sexual selves.

It seems to me that the media, as the messenger of cultural values, promotes the image of an anorexic teenager as representing the height of sexual desirability. Can’t be too thin or too young (within legal limits) to have sex appeal. People are then obsessed with living up to this unrealistic standard for physical beauty being piped through the media. Women compare themselves to the unattainable, develop poor body images, and lose interest in sex.

(Ironically, physical beauty and sexual responsiveness are not interrelated. The fact is that superficial variables such as weight, age, height, facial structure OR the size of a penis make very little difference when it comes to a person’s ability to be sexually responsive and experience sexual passion.)

Our society also buys into the notion that good sex always involves intercourse and orgasm by both partners, preferably at the same time. This approach to sexuality is restrictive and unrealistic, especially as we get older. As I’ve mentioned, sexuality is a much broader arena than getting it up, keeping it up and getting it in. An emphasis on intercourse and orgasm strengthens the misconception men have that women need to be desirable and men need to perform. Performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction are the usual results of an exclusively intercourse/orgasm approach to sex. Furthermore, the focus on genital sex exclusively limits the full range of sexual/sensual dimensions that can be experienced in addition to, or instead of, intercourse.

Some people have “intrapsychic” conflicts about sexuality from having grown up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I don’t even want to think about the rampant sexual abuse of young females where the perpetrator is the father or other close family member. It doesn’t get reported, the rest of the family denies it, and the girl suffers in agonizing isolation, thinking it was her fault, until adulthood when she may get some treatment. Certain young boys are covertly incested by their mothers: there may not have been actual sex, but the mother may have been needy, narcissistic, enmeshed, over-involved, controlling and unable to let her son “differentiate” to become the individual that he should become. These boys may grow to be men with sexual problems.

However, the vast majority of sexual “shut-downs” comes from interpersonal conflicts between the partners. Anger, resentment guilt, hurt feelings, being shut-down and non-communicative are not the stuff upon which sexual fulfillment is built.

I think relationships go bad (and sex shuts down) (cite divorce rates) because the vast majority of people have misconceptions about love and intimacy. Yet, understanding intimacy is crucial to our understanding of hot and sweaty, yet warm and tender lovemaking. Sex is, by definition, an intimate act that is enhanced by the lovers knowing themselves and the other. If lovers are not able to know and disclose their deepest needs and wants to each other, sex becomes mechanical. This kind of knowing and communicating about wants, needs and fantasies requires a foundation of trust and safety that can be found in a loving relationship.

(A caveat – I have no problem with casual sex, booty calls, friends with benefits, or even “kinky” sex that’s not part of a primary relationship. This kind of sex can be fun and satisfying (depending on whether you respect each other), but it’s something altogether different than sex in a loving, monogamous relationship.)

Many people think of intimacy in terms of sentimentality or romanticism. To do so is to falsify it. “Being in love” is also a falsification of intimacy.

“Being in love” is a really a temporary state of insanity. Each person projects his/her own personal relationship agenda (established in childhood) on the other without having any real, knowledge of the other. Inevitably, the honeymoon is over, or people fall “out of love”, and disillusionment sets in. We do not want to give up our fantasy and grow into the reality of actually loving the person “as is”. At this point, either the relationship breaks off or the couple starts to work on building a relationship based in knowing the reality of each other.

People have all sorts of misconceptions about what “love” means. Love can mean sundry, ambiguous, neurotic and even evil things to some: Caring for, rescuing, infatuation with, dependence on, feeling close to, sacrificing for, being a martyr to, being sexually excited by, having a “trophy partner”, having control over another, being controlled by another, marrying someone who’s somewhat like you’re abusive mother in order to finally get her to change, the need for validation and admiration from the other, or the vilely self-destructive idea that love means pain – either from physical or emotional abuse.

These kinds of ill-conceived notions about love create plastic, destructive relationships in which intimacy cannot exist. These relationships can be used to manipulate others, to get our own narcissistic needs met at the expense of the other, and are in the service of other nefarious, unconscious, neurotic conflicts. Celebratory sex can’t exist in a plastic, alienated relationship because sex at it’s fullest requires us to authentic and connected with our lover.

So what is love? “I love you” means something very concrete. It means that I surround you with a feeling that allows you, even requires you, to be everything you really are as a human being at that moment. When my love is full, you are your fullest self. I experience you not as what I expect, not what I want, not as a mannequin upon which I cloche my unconscious, infantile, needs to have a parent and remain a child. You don’t need to reflect well on me. You are not my status symbol. You are, to me…your authentic self.

We love when we not only allow, but enable, enhance and enjoy the “otherness” of our partner.

Being loved, being moved by another’s acceptance into knowing ourselves as we really are may bring trouble, actually. The result of knowing what issues you have that impair productivity and intimacy may be painful, but it can be worked through. We grow with it. It is in human-to-human relationships that we learn, make mistakes and relearn. And the primary intimate/sexual relationship is where we can relearn most profoundly.

Love shatters roles and facades and is illuminative. The confirmation that you are loved lies in your increasing experience of being who you are. Love is unilateral…self as the one who loves actively, not so much the self who is in need of love passively. Real love requires no particular response from the other, so there is freedom of self expression without fear of disapproval or rejection. It is the fear of being alone (or being abandoned) that makes us dependent on the response of others, keeping us from experiencing authentic, real loving.

Let’s look at the word “intimacy”. Again, from the dictionary: the word is derived from the Latin intima, meaning “inner” or “inner-most.” Here again, it suggests that to be intimate, you need to know your real self. (KNOW THYSELF!!!) This ability to be in touch with our inner core is a requisite to being intimate.

Our intima holds the innermost part of ourselves, our most profound feelings, our enduring motivations, our values, our sense of right and wrong and our most embedded convictions about life. Importantly, our intima also includes that which enables us to express these innermost aspects of our person to “the other”.

So, to be in relationship, and to know yourself/your partner sexually, you need to know and respect your intima. The intima is also the way in which we value and esteem ourselves and determines how we are with being with others. To put it simply, if don’t value yourself, you can’t value another. If you’re not aware of needs and wants, or are shamed by them, then sex becomes no more than a fuck.

I think every person I’ve ever seen in my consulting room for sexual compulsions suffers from estrangement from his intimus. We can survive the disapproval of others. The feeling can be painful, but it’s nothing compared to the disapproval of ourselves. Your personal well being and your ability to love another cannot survive your dislike or disrespect of yourself. If you dislike yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with your sexuality.

It bears repeating… the outstanding quality of intimacy is the sense of being in touch with our real selves. When “the other” also knows and is able to express his real self, intimacy happens. Sexuality is both an expression of that intimacy and a bond that enhances intimacy. With this kind of personal/sexual intimacy, our growth experience as humans is energized, enhanced, and fueled. Intimacy is the most meaningful and courageous of human experiences. It’s why people long for it so.

However, despite this universal longing, the fear and avoidance of intimacy is a reality for many people. People fear and even dread that which they most long for. No wonder there’s such a demand for psychotherapists!

So why would people fear, avoid or sabotage this wonderful thing called intimacy and, in the process, avoid sex.

Our capacity for intimacy is formed in the crucible of the first two years of life. Mothers that are needy, narcissistic, depressed, enmeshed (over-involved), distant, too protective, controlling, chronically angry, addicted to substances, frustrated with their husbands and displace their needs onto their children… raise children who have the psychic imprint of closeness as being dangerous. They also raise children who will carry self-hatred into their adult lives unless they get good treatment.

As children, they developed a rigid defense system (boundaries, walls, turning inward to not need others) in order to psychologically survive. But what worked for them as children doesn’t work for them as adults. For these people, the vulnerability of intimacy harkens back to a time when they were vulnerable as children and they fear re-traumatization in their current relationship.

When a person like this is loved – seen in an affirmative light and encouraged to grow and change – this rigid defensive structure is threatened, so their psychological equilibrium is disrupted. Being loved is not congruent with the negative tapes they run about themselves. They can’t allow the reality of being loved to affect their basic defensive structure. Being vulnerable and open to change feels so threatening that they eschew close relationships and mature sexuality.

Entering into a relationship without having some resolution of childhood wounds results in various kinds of fear of intimacy: fear of being found inadequate, fear of engulfment, fear of the loss of control, fear of losing autonomy, fear of attack, fear of disappointment and betrayal, fear of guilt and fear of rejection and abandonment.

This panoply of fears and anxieties about being close and vulnerable definitely is not sexy. We are most open and vulnerable when we express ourselves sexually and we need to have a secure base in ourselves and our relationship to expose ourselves in this way.

Alright. Now let’s get to the nitty-gritty. Sex and aging.

Some of those “not interested” in sex may very well be the middle-aged and the elderly. They’ve bought into the myth that we’re supposed to stop being sexual after a certain age. The fact is, as we mature emotionally and psychologically throughout the lifespan, we mature sexually as well. We can look forward to the best years of our sexual lives because of that maturity. People under the age of 35 may look hot, but they rarely have the psychological maturity to achieve the kind of self-knowledge, intimacy skills, communication skills and willingness to be vulnerability that underlies intense sexuality.

In order to achieve sexual fulfillment as we grow older, we have to nullify – negate – disown and disbelieve — the sex-negative cultural myths about sexuality and aging. Let’s look at some of those myths now.

· The quality of sex declines for both men and women as they age.

· If a woman does not lubricate sufficiently or a man does not become erect immediately, it’s over for them.

· Erection problems are inevitable and incurable without medical intervention

· Female desire declines dramatically after menopause

· Men peek in their teens…then it’s all downhill.

· Women peak in their 30’s and lose interest in sex by 45-50.

· Men and women with heart disease or other medical problems should avoid sexual activity

· Sex has to end in orgasm

· Intercourse is the only kind of sex that counts; everything else isn’t sex

Those are the myths. But here’s what I think: older loves are more sophisticated about their own/their partners needs, have an increased ability to communicate sexual and emotional needs; there is improved sexual responsiveness in women and a corresponding improved ability to control ejaculation in men; a greater willingness to experiment with sexual variations; far greater technical proficiency as lovers with fewer inhibitions and an increased ability to have fun during lovemaking.

Sex need never disappear and orgasm in both men and women has been observed in the 9th decade.

Sex is different as we age and those who are able to retain a sense of sexual vitality are those who are able to integrate their altered and somewhat diminished, but by no means vanished, sexuality comfortably into their lives. Men, especially, tend to leave the sexual arena because these differences create frustration and anxiety. They compare themselves to their adolescent selves and feel defeated. The vast majority of sexual complaints of the elderly are a product of the person’s aversive psychological reaction to the normal age-related biological changes in sexual response.

Men change with age in that the frequency and intensity of orgasm diminishes. It takes a much longer time to up for “round two”. Older men no longer experience simultaneous erection, unlike much younger men who seem to be able to get it up just by…exposure to the air. By contrast, the older man needs to receive effective stimulation by his partner and then is perfectly able to attain erections.

Women, after menopause, may be less able to lubricate as freely as they once did. That doesn’t mean they’re no longer sexually responsive. All that is required is a sexual lubricate (I recommend Astrogel), and they remain capable of multiple orgasmic response throughout life.

Here’s a list of Hot Sex Tips, according to Dorothy.

* Don’t wait to be moved by desire or interest – allow yourself to be aroused and the desire will follow.

* Do consider some systematic way to relax and calm yourself before a sexual encounter. Anxiety is a killer of “in the moment” eroticism.

* Speaking of “in the moment”, do consider taking up some form of meditation that trains the mind to be focused on the present moment. The mind that is continually wandering to mundane life issues during sex will not be able to experience full sexual potential. (cite books) Being fully in the moment also reduces “spectering”, which is watching and evaluating your performance, which reducing the intensity of sexual experience.

* Do continue to cultivate your sexual skills and techniques. (Cite certain readings from the list).

* People, as they age, do experience fewer sexual fantasies, thoughts and interest. So it’s important to experiment with alternative (external) ways to become aroused. Different postures, sexual techniques, erotic films and videos, the use of sex toys, all result in a more imaginative and creative sex life..

* Do eat nutritionally and exercise – feeling vigorous helps your sex life immeasurably.

* Do not smoke or drink alcohol excessively. A minimum amount of booze (no more than two drinks a day) can be an aphrodisiac: too much makes you loose (or placid and soft) and can ruin your erectile functioning. Smoking also effects erectile functioning in later years.

In conclusion, I invite you to meet the challenge of mature sexual intimacy, and to be and remain…the erotic, celebratory, courageous and connected person that you’re meant to be.

One of the principal reasons for male chastity is male orgasm control. I think it’s no exaggeration to say the desire of a man to have his orgasms controlled by a woman form the root of the entire male chastity lifestyle.

It is true there’s a small minority of women out there who initiate male chastity, but in my experience the whole phenomenon is almost exclusively male led at the beginning.

So, why do men enjoy having their orgasms controlled and, as usually happens, denied, sometimes for very long periods of time.

There are a few different reasons, but the two main ones I hear are:

1. Sheer physical pleasure

2. A craving to hand over control

The first of these is harder to understand if you’re not a man, I think.

Suffice it to say for men being on the threshold of orgasm for long periods of time (and this is exactly what happens after even a relatively short period of tease and denial) is as close as they’re going to come to the multiple orgasms we girls are blessed with so often.

Male orgasm control is not so much having their pleasure denied as it is being able to savour it. And who are we girls to argue?

The second point, a craving to hand over control, is mostly psychological and is probably one of those things you can understand only if you feel it, and if you feel it you don’t need it explaining. From what John tells me, I get an inkling it’s a little like I can feel in the arms of a strong man… there’s a thrill of danger because I know how strong he is and how powerless I am… but I also feel safe.

How to Control a Man’s Orgasms

First, you’re almost certainly going to have to lock him in some kind of chastity device if you want to be as sure as you can be of having male orgasm control. Although, that said, for many the “honour system” works well, too. Much of it depends on exactly why they want to embrace the male chastity lifestyle.

I’ve noticed if they’re more into the male-submission thing, then physically locking them up is a big part of it for them; but if they’re mostly into the male orgasm control per se, then while a chastity belt or device is the icing on the cake, it’s not strictly necessary all the time. But it does add to the pleasure, so give it a go!

Secondly, you’re going to have to both be able to read his body and know yourself when he’s about to orgasm and make sure he knows the rules. I know it might be a pain and perhaps seems contrary to the spirit of the male chastity lifestyle, but you have to take some responsibility. No matter how willing he is in principle, in the heat of the moment, he’s simply not thinking.

For example, you might tell him he has to tell you when he feels he can’t hold it back any longer; or you might go further and tell him he must not only tell you but also stop what he’s doing.

There are a couple of things you can do physically for male orgasm control, as well.

For example, you can push him off or simply stop what you’re doing.

This won’t always stop his orgasm if you’ve left things a little late, but it will give him the dreaded “ruined orgasm”. The effect of this is hard to describe, and while you might be a little peeved that he’s orgasmed, console yourself with the thought it’s been highly unsatisfactory for him and he might feel deflated, but he’s not going to feel like he’s orgasmed.

This is more male orgasm damage-limitation than male orgasm control.

Something else you can do is give his penis a good firm squeeze at the base. This will often stop his orgasm dead in its tracks, but can be difficult to do. It all depends what you’re doing and what position you’re in, to be blunt.

Finally, a friend of mine gives her husband’s penis a hard flick on the end with her finger. It apparently doesn’t hurt much but is one hell of a shock to him at the time, and does its job extremely well. I’ve never tried it, so I can’t speak from personal experience.

And if He Orgasms When You’ve Told Him He Can’t?

Well, that’s up to you and will depend largely on what kind of slant your own version of the male chastity lifestyle has.

Assuming, like me, you’re not into extreme caning and other corporal punishments meted out by women and dominatrixes in female-led relationships, I’ve always found a longer period of denial the next-time round works wonders. It’s important to realise you BOTH have a responsibility for stopping before it’s too late!

On the other hand, sometimes it’s just too funny for words and you laugh about it (while making sure next time you take a lot more care!).

Just remember it’s a bit of fun and you’re both supposed to be enjoying things.

Getting too serious about it can ruin it for a long time, believe me. Not only that but he wants male orgasm control so even though in the moment he’s a bit cheeky, on the whole he’ll be grateful if you’re strong and help him help you keep control.

The first Sherlock Holmes story written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet, was published in 1887 and was set in 1881. This, of course, was more than 70 years before the sexual revolution that began in the Western world in the mid-1960’s. Even so, there has still been much speculation in regard to the sexual orientation of the famous detective, as well as that of his longtime friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson, who is the narrator of most of the Holmes stories.

In specific regard to Sherlock Holmes, he has been thought to be heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, or some combination thereof, though nothing is ever stated in canon that explicitly confirms any of them. However, due to the rather unusual relationship between Holmes and Dr. Watson, and the fact that Holmes never married, the strongest case tends to be that the two men were in some sort of romantic relationship, ignoring the various marriages that Watson himself had over the 17 years that he chronicled Holmes’ cases.

In 2010, BBC aired a new series called Sherlock, created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, which brought the detective and his doctor into modern-day London, 50 years after the beginning of the sexual revolution. This, of course, brings with it the opportunity to touch more directly on the subject of sexuality than Doyle was able to in the late 19th and early 20th century, when he was writing. The following will compare how both portray sexuality, and why readers and viewers have come to the conclusions that they have.

In both A Study in Scarlet and A Study in Pink, the modern version of the introductory novel, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson meet through a mutual acquaintance who happens to know that both of them are unable to afford London housing on their own and are in need of a flatshare. For two unmarried men in 19th century London, this may have been somewhat ordinary, but the first thing the landlady, Mrs. Hudson, says to the pair in the 2010 series is, “There’s another bedroom upstairs if you’ll be needing two,” to which Dr. Watson responds, “Of course we’ll be needing two.” Mrs. Hudson seems to take this as a sign of embarrassment, and continues, “Oh, don’t worry, there’s all sorts around here. Mrs. Turner, next door, has got married ones.” And later, as Holmes dashes off to a crime scene, she comments to Watson, “My husband was just the same. But you’re more the sitting down type, I can tell.” And even later, in the third episode of the series, The Great Game, upon hearing Holmes and Watson having an argument, she asks, “Have you two had a little domestic?”

Though Mrs. Hudson doesn’t know Watson at all at this point, she is at least an acquaintance of Holmes, who had ensured that her presumably abusive husband was sentenced to life in prison on a murder charge, and still seems to assume that Watson is his boyfriend, though in a later episode she admits that she has no idea if Holmes has ever been in any sort of relationship. She is not, however, the only acquaintance of Holmes who makes assumptions. Later on in the same episode, Holmes and Watson have a stakeout at a restaurant across the street from a crime scene. Their waiter, who Holmes got off of a murder charge, insists on referring to Watson as Holmes’ date, despite Watson’s protests otherwise. And in The Great Game, Sally Donovan, a Scotland Yard Police Officer, shortly states that “opposite attract” in regard to how normal Watson seems and how much of a “freak” Holmes is. In the same episode, in a standoff against Moriarty, Holmes’ archenemy, Watson offers to give up his life so that Sherlock can get away, on which Moriarty comments: “Oh, he’s very sweet. I can see why you [Holmes] keep him around.” Even Holmes’ own brother Mycroft, who, when he finds out about Dr. Watson in A Study in Pink comments, “Since yesterday you’ve moved in with him and now you’re solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?” And in The Great Game: “Sherlock’s business seems to be booming since you and he became… pals,” the extra emphasis on “pals” seeming to imply a lot more than that.

While it is rather curious that the first thing people assume when they see Holmes with another man is that that man is his boyfriend, it doesn’t necessarily confirm anything. At another point in A Study in Pink, Watson asks Holmes if he has a girlfriend, to which Holmes responds, “No, not really my area.” And then, when Watson asks if he has a boyfriend, Holmes again responds in the negative. “Right, okay. You’re unattached like me. Right. Good,” is Watson’s reaction to this, which causes Holmes to look at him rather strangely for a few seconds before saying, “John, I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and, while I’m flattered by your interest, I’m not really looking for any-” at which point Watson cuts him off by saying that that wasn’t what he meant. The viewer could get two things from this. The first being that Holmes is at least somewhat asexual, though this to some extent may be by choice, as he probably feels a relationship would interfere with his work. So, again, this does not confirm anything. The second thing would be that Sherlock Holmes, who is the master of deduction, and can tell everything about a person just by glancing at them, thinks Dr. Watson is gay. Though it should be mentioned that Holmes does, on occasion, get things wrong.

Of course, in A Study in Scarlet, none of this commentary occurs. In fact, of the few acquaintances mentioned in this novel, only Stamford, who is the one to introduce Holmes and Watson, makes any sort of comment about Holmes himself, and it’s as a warning to Watson before he meets Holmes: “You don’t know Sherlock Holmes yet. Perhaps you would not care for him as a constant companion… he is a little queer in his ideas.” Curiously, no such comment is made by the modern day Stamford, who has very few lines, but seems to be of the impression that Watson will find Holmes amusing, though it’s never explained why that is.

Not surprisingly, however, minor character commentaries are not the only references to the sexualities of Holmes and Watson that are given. In the second episode of the 2010 series, The Blind Banker, when Watson mentions to Holmes that he’s going on a date with a woman from work named Sarah, Holmes immediately suggests that he take her to a Chinese circus, which Holmes ends up inviting himself on, as it really has something to do with the case he’s working on-though he spends half of the evening following Watson and Sarah around and interrupting them every time they start to get intimate. In the end, Sarah ends up almost getting killed, and while she does show up in later episodes, it’s only as a friend of Watson’s. Unfortunately, this is not the only time in the series that Holmes seems to put a damper on Watson’s relationships. In the first episode of the second season of Sherlock, A Scandal in Belgravia, during a Christmas party, Holmes calls Watson’s girlfriend by every name that isn’t actually hers, despite the fact that he seemingly has no trouble remembering anyone else’s name, which she seems rather offended by, considering that Holmes is supposed to be Watson’s best friend. This leads up to later in the episode, when Watson has to run off to help Holmes, her saying, “You know, you’re a great boyfriend. Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.” Needless to say, this relationship didn’t last much longer.

The episode The Blind Banker is loosely based on the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle short story The Adventure of the Dancing Men, which was set in 1898, 17 years after A Study in Scarlet. Of course, there are many stories in-between, and by this time, Holmes and Watson know each other quite well. Watson, by this point, has also been married at least twice, though there are theories that he may have been married at least six times, and once more after this in 1902, based on when Watson is and isn’t living at 221B Baker Street with Holmes. It is never clear as to what happens to any of these women, though it has to be assumed that they died, as it was not legal to divorce in England at the time. After all of these marriages, and during his marriages when his wife is away, however, Watson always ends up back with Sherlock Holmes, which Holmes always seems happy about, and on several occasions it’s rather implied that Holmes doesn’t like being without Watson. In the short story The Five Orange Pips, published in 1891 and set in 1887, Holmes states that he “will do nothing serious without [his] trusted comrade and biographer at [his] elbow.” And in the 1891 published and 1888 set A Scandal in Bohemia, in which Watson simply comes over for a visit, Holmes says that he is “lost without [his] Boswell,” “Boswell” referring to an “assiduous and devoted admirer, student, and recorder of another’s words and deeds,” though Holmes probably means it in a somewhat more endearing way than the definition would imply. This latter line inspires the 2010 The Great Game Holmes line, “I’d be lost without my blogger,” as in the modern series Watson records all of Holmes’ cases on his blog.

While all of these things could obviously be indications of a romantic relationship between Holmes and Watson, the most convincing moments in both the original stories and the modern series are when they show genuine concern for one another. This is particularly important for Holmes’ character, as it very rarely seems like he truly cares about anyone. For example, during The Great Game, during the scene in which Holmes has a standoff against Moriarty, Watson has previously been strapped into a coat weighed down with explosives, a message from Moriarty. When Moriarty leaves, however, Holmes wastes no time in ripping the coat off of Watson and tossing it as far away from him as possible, repeatedly asking if Watson is all right. Watson jokingly responds to this by saying, “I’m glad no one saw that… You ripping my clothes off… People might talk.” Similarly, in the 1912 short story The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans, set in 1895, when Holmes asks Watson to accompany him to break into the house of a suspected criminal, Holmes shows great concern for the fact that not only could Watson have gotten hurt, but also arrested. Watson, in his narration, comments, “For a moment I saw something in his eyes which was nearer to tenderness than I had ever seen.”

Of course, as previously mentioned, besides the speculation around a romantic relationship occurring between Holmes and Watson, there are also theories that Holmes may have been either heterosexual or asexual, and that there was no relationship between Holmes and Watson. The greatest argument for these theories comes from A Scandal in Belgravia, which is based on the 1891 A Scandal in Bohemia, which was set in 1887. In both of these stories, Holmes is hired to retrieve compromising photographs from a woman named Irene Adler, who is perhaps the most famous women in the Holmes stories, as she was the only one to ever outsmart Holmes. Not only was she very clever, but also she was a courtier, a singer, and as she did not marry until her late twenties, a “spinster”. Because of this, she was considered to be a very liberal woman for her time, and keeping with this, the modern series made her a dominatrix and a lesbian, though the latter does not keep her from being a romantic interest of Holmes. However, when Mycroft, who is the one to hire Holmes on behalf of the Royal Family, informs Holmes of Adler’s profession, Holmes seems to not know what it is, and Mycroft continues, “Don’t be alarmed; it’s to do with sex,” to which Holmes responds, “Sex doesn’t alarm me.” Mycroft then laughs and asks, “How would you know?” This implies that Mycroft thinks Holmes is a virgin, despite previous comments in which he seems to assume that Watson is Holmes’ boyfriend. Though Moriarty, who has also eluded to the fact that he things Holmes and Watson are a couple, coined Holmes with the nickname “The Virgin”, which Adler mentions later on in the episode. This is similar, nevertheless, to how Adler herself, though she spends most of the episode flirting with Holmes, still makes several comments about Holmes and Watson being a couple. For instance, when Holmes and Watson make their way into Adler’s house by pretending to be a pickpocketed priest and an eyewitness who need to call the police, Adler already knows who they are, and as Holmes had made Watson punch him to add effect, Adler comments, “Somebody [Watson] loves you. If I had to punch that face, I’d avoid your nose and teeth, too.” This also leads to probably one of the most interesting bits of dialogue in the entire series, in which, after Adler fakes her own death-which has Holmes in a rather depressed, heartbroken state-she confronts Watson when he is alone and informs him that she’s still alive. This makes Watson furious, as he knows how upset Holmes has been, particularly because Adler had spent so much time prior to her “death” corresponding with Holmes via text message, which Holmes seemed to enjoy. Adler then remarks that he couldn’t have enjoyed it that much, as when she tried to flirt with him, he would never respond, which Watson finds surprising. He says, “Sherlock replies to everything. He will literally outlive God trying to get the last word,” to which Adler asks, “Does that make me special? Are you jealous?” And possibly for the hundredth time in the series, Watson responds with, “We’re not a couple.” Not surprisingly, Adler then says, “Yes, you are.” Frustrated, Watson replies with, “Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record, I’m not actually gay.” Irene smiles. “Well, I am,” she says. “Look at us both,” implying that perhaps love has nothing to do with sexual orientation at all, but just with the people themselves.

Amusingly, however, while Adler is busy thinking Holmes and Watson are a couple, Watson is equally busy thinking the same of Holmes and Adler. During a later scene, after Holmes has found out that Adler is alive, the two are starring at each other rather intently, which Watson awkwardly breaks into by saying, “Hamish… John Hamish Watson. Just if you were looking for baby names.” And Mycroft, who has previously accused his brother of being homosexual as well as asexual, assumes that the crush Holmes has on Adler is the reason that he blindly broke military codes for her; if he hadn’t been trying so hard to impress her, he would have realized that she was working for Moriarty and cracking any sort of code for her probably wasn’t such a good idea.

Toward the end of the episode, though, Holmes again eludes to the fact that he’s at least partially asexual by choice when, after finding out that the password on Adler’s phone, which holds the information that Holmes was originally hired to retrieve, is his name, he says, “I’ve always assumed love was a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.” Even so, Holmes still dubs her with the title “the woman”, which, in a conversation between Mycroft and Watson, Mycroft calls a salute. Watson, however, disagrees, admitting that Holmes “is not like that. He doesn’t feel things in that way,” which is a summation of the opening dialogue from A Scandal in Bohemia, where 19th century Watson acknowledges the same thing. Mycroft then disagrees further by saying, “My brother has the mind of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?” This, finally, may explain why his comments about Holmes’ sexuality are so irresolute.

All of that said, at the very end of the episode, once Adler has disappeared again, Holmes asks to keep her phone, which had been in police custody. This may be because he knows where she is and wants to give it back to her, and not simply as a reminder of her, but either way, it shows that he at least cared about her on some level, romantic or not. This is similar to how in A Scandal in Bohemia, Holmes asks to keep the photograph of her that he’d been hired to retrieve, even though in this case, he really doesn’t know where she ran off to.

At the end of it all, neither viewer nor reader can be entirely certain of the sexuality of Sherlock Holmes, or of Dr. Watson. Were they in a relationship? Maybe. There’s certainly evidence to back it up. Did Holmes have a crush on Irene Adler? Perhaps. There’s evidence of that, too. Or, as tends to be the least liked theory, was Holmes really asexual, as several comments from both Dr. Watson and Holmes himself would suggest? Possibly. If you look to hard into any of these theories, arguments can surely be found. Though, as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the original mind behind Sherlock Holmes, passed away some years ago, we’ll probably never get a definite answer.

So, you have stumbled upon an unusual website with a chastity page full of erotic tales about males wearing male chastity belts and submitting to the wishes of their dominant mistresses. You are wondering – what it’s all about? Can these stories be real?

Hello. My name is Mistress Sara. For years, I’ve been a huge proponent of male chastity and the male chastity belt lifestyle, because I firmly believe that it can help nearly any relationship become more intimate, romantic and deeply sensual.

While male chastity has been practiced for hundreds of years – and was huge during the Victorian era – it as exploded in popularity over the past decade. The reason for its growing popularity is the Internet, which has allowed people to be exposed to sexual and romantic ideas they might have never considered before.

One of the things that get many couples initially interested in the male chastity lifestyle is erotic stories they read on the Internet. The most popular of these sites, Altar Boy, contains hundreds of different pieces of erotic fiction about male chastity belts in modern relationships and marriages.

While they are all very exciting, they do make many couples ask if the events described in these stories could really happen, or if are they just simply fantasy – in other words, are male chastity stories fact or fiction?

The best answer I can give is that it’s a little bit of both. Yes, it’s a fact that many couples have incorporated male chastity into their marriages. That’s why male chastity belts are one of the most popular sex toys sold on the market. It’s also true that using chastity belts to help stop the husband’s dirty little masturbation habits has brought the romance and fire back to most of these relationships.

That said, there is a lot of fantasy in these stories as well. Remember, we are all individual people; every relationship is unique. Not everyone would respond the same way to the same type of stimulation. That’s why you have to also take these stories with a grain of salt.

Beyond that, there are many common themes in these stories that would not work well in real life – so make sure you are able to separate the fantasy on the screen from the reality in your bedroom.

The first common element in these stories that is completely fantasy is the idea that the first time the wife locks up her husband, she keeps him caged for months or even years at a time. That’s possible eventually; but in reality, you’ll need to start out slowly by locking him up for a couple days or a week at a time and then build up to longer periods. You and he will both need the time to adjust to the new dynamics of your marriage.

Another element that is completely fantasy is the kind of story where the husband never ejaculates again. Men need to ejaculate roughly once a month for their prostate health. That doesn’t mean they have to orgasm – in fact, it’s possible for a man never to orgasm again and remain healthy – but he does need to ejaculate to keep the pipes clean.

Another element that is rarely addressed in erotic male chastity belt fiction is basic male hygiene. His penis and testicles must be kept clean if you want to avoid the chance of infection. Some cages allow him to clean himself, while others will require you to unlock him and wash him by hand.

Finally, the chastity belt stories make the transition seem seamless. In reality, you may have to try out a couple of different belts before you find the one that works best for you. You may have setbacks where he needs a break from chastity for a while.

The important thing is to keep providing each other feedback and discover what works for you. If you do that, your reality may end up even better than the fantasy.

A question I’m often asked by men and women interested in male chastity is what is…

Chastity Keyholding?

As the name suggests, it’s simply what we use to describe the situation that exists where a man is locked in a chastity belt and someone else has the key – meaning, other than physically cutting or breaking himself out of it, he is wholly dependent on her for access to his penis and the privilege of having an orgasm.

Actually, to be clear about this, anyone can hold the key and anyone can be locked in chastity – but because heterosexual male chastity is by far the most common kind of chastity, this is chiefly what I’ll be talking about in this article (just bear in mind everything I say applies pretty much equally, no matter what your sexual preference or orientation).

What is the Purpose of Chastity Keyholding?

To divine this, we first need to understand male chastity itself, and that’s no mean feat. After all, why would someone consent to be locked in a chastity belt and be unable to orgasm or have sex without first being unlocked?

The full answer is quite complex and has many different shades and nuances all or some of which might apply to different men and women at different times, but as a broad and simple answer we can say male chastity is for many couples a fantastic way to improve their relationship by adding a bit of spice to their love lives and increasing the amount of physical and emotional intimacy they enjoy.

It might seem strange to say denying male orgasm can have this effect on a couple’s lives, but it’s true, nevertheless, and this has been proven over and over again by the many, many men and women who have embraced the male chastity lifestyle.

Now, you might think the same effect could be achieved by the man simply displaying a bit more willpower, but it’s more complex than that.

Not only does chastity keyholding physically act as an obstacle for the man’s orgasm, but it adds a profound and deeply satisfying psychological aspect to the practice, too.

You see many men like to have the illusion that they have no choice and that their chastity and orgasm denial is being “forced” upon them. It’s just a mild game of power-exchange, but it has a powerful effect on your man, and a wonderful knock-on effect on the rest of your relationship.

Chastity Keyholding and Single Men

Unfortunately for many men who have the burning desire for male chastity and orgasm denial, they are single and don’t have anyone they can ask to hold their keys.

To someone on the outside, this might seem unimportant and somewhat inconsequential, but to a man who craves it, it’s a huge dilemma.

After all it’s hardly the kind of thing a man can ask his friends, family, colleagues and neighbours to do for him, is it?

This is why many single men opt to use a chastity keyholding service – where a woman will hold a man’s key as a commercial agreement. There are even websites dedicated to matching men who need a keyholder with the keyholders themselves.

On the face of it, this might seem really quite strange, but if you think about it, it’s no different from dominatrixes who perform what many men deem to be an important service in regard to other kinks and fetishes (and something’s only kinky when you, yourself aren’t into it, after all).

In Conclusion

Chastity keyholding is an essential part of male chastity if the man is to feel properly chaste and the woman to exercise and enjoy her true feminine power.

Even single men can enjoy male chastity if they’re prepared to go to a private chastity keyholding service and pay a small fee for someone to hold his key securely and discretely so they, too, can enjoy the delights of the male chastity lifestyle.

Look, you’ll read a lot of hype and nonsense about male chastity, and really what you want is sane, serious and realistic information and advice so you can make those all-important choices, right?

So if you’re SICK and TIRED of reading all the obviously made-up Blogs and forum posts about male chastity and strict chastity keyholding then you need the TRUTH about it from a genuine lifestyle couple who are living it 24/7.

In this short but comprehensive male chastity guide I want to cover some of the most pressing and important points about the lifestyle from the perspective of someone who’s new to it.

The reason I want to do this now is when I first started along this journey, I often found myself lost, confused, bewildered and even a little frightened by the mass of conflicting, contradictory, and, in my opinion harmful information out there.

So in this brief guide, I’ll just sum up the main points and cover them in enough detail to get you started.

Start at the Beginning

Before we begin, it’s important to realise having a chastity husband is nothing new, not “wrong” and certainly nothing for you to be afraid of, whether you’re a man who’s coming to terms with his desires (and maybe even struggling with them), or a woman whose man has confessed his interests to her and perhaps desire for male chastity to you and you’re looking for information.

First, let’s look at what we usually mean when we talk about chastity. In everyday life we tend to treat chastity and celibacy as being the same. For our purposes, though, in this male chastity guide we’ll assume a big difference:

Chastity: what we normally mean is chastity and orgasm denial. So what we’re not talking about is simply not having sex or engaging in sexual activity. Far from it: couples who embrace the male chastity lifestyle find themselves having not only having increased sexual activity, but actually enjoying it far more than they believed possible.

What we’re talking about is the woman taking control of her man’s orgasm and not allowing him to have on unless she says he can, even if you’re getting him to please you in other ways not involving making love, or even if you’re making love, not allowing him to orgasm.

As you go through this male chastity guide, you’ll see why a man would want this, why you’d want to give it to him, and the benefits to both of you.

Celibacy, on the other hand, is where you simply don’t have sexual activity, perhaps because you’re single, or you’re unable to have sexual relations for whatever reason, or you’ve taken a vow of celibacy or perhaps some other reason. Interestingly, someone who’s celibate may well have more orgasms than someone who’s embracing the male chastity lifestyle, simply because a celibate man can masturbate, whereas a chaste male can’t.

I’ll say more about celibacy in a moment and why if this you’re celibate but in a relationship, male chastity might not be right for you.

Whom Is Male Chastity For?

I’ll go out on a limb here and say almost any fundamentally sound relationship will benefit from male chastity, and that includes gay couples (perhaps surprisingly!). The reasons are both complex and simple at the same time, as you’ll discover in this male chastity guide.

In fact I’ll edge out even further on the limb and claim if you’re an average healthy woman or gay man and you enjoy a healthy sex-life (or have in the past) and you’re not ridiculously prudish about sex or painfully shy, then… you’ve almost certainly already engaged in male chastity play.

Why do I say this?

Because male chastity lies on a continuum, from brief orgasm denial and teasing at one end of the scale, all the way to permanent orgasm denial at the other (I’ll say a little about this later in this brief male chastity guide). And most men and women, if not every man and woman has at some time delighted in teasing their partner at some point by delaying orgasm even if only for a few minutes.

And if you’ve done that… then… congratulations!

You’ve already experienced male chastity.

And you both loved it, didn’t you? Even if he complained in the most delicious way at the time.

Whom Is Male Chastity NOT For?

If you’re in a relationship and you really don’t like each other (or even if one of you doesn’t like the other) and you’re living in mutual celibacy through choice because you just can’t stand the thought of him touching you (it usually is women who feel this way, sadly), then other than the comments I make here, this male chastity guide won’t help you.

If you’re in this situation and your man has come to you with the idea of living a male chastity lifestyle and you find your heart leaping for joy because you can see it as a great way of ensuring you never have to have any kind of sexual contact with him ever again… then I think you’re making a big mistake.

Because he’s doing this out of a desire to have more sexual contact with you, not less!

And if you’re a man reading this hoping it’s going to help rekindle the ashes of a burned out relationship, the same comments apply: the chances are it’s simply not going to work. On the contrary, it’s going to hurt you both a lot more in the long run.

If you can see yourself and your own relationship in the above few paragraphs, then I suggest you stop reading this male chastity guide and instead think seriously about proper relationship counselling, and ultimately be prepared to end it so you can both move on with your lives.

Why Would Anyone Embrace the Male Chastity Lifestyle?

Ultimately this simple male chastity guide is about pointing you in the right direction to uncover the strategies and techniques aimed at dramatically improving your relationship by vastly improving the affection you feel for one another, making you grow even closer together, and allowing you to nurture a far richer, deeper and more loving understanding of each other’s sexuality than you have now.

Assuming your underlying relationship is strong and your love for one another remains undiminished, even if the fires of passion are not now burning so bright as they once did, male chastity is definitely something to consider at least trying.

How to Start with Male Chastity

There is only one purpose to male chastity: and that is to improve your relationship and thereby improve your entire life.

And for that reason it’s important to realise no matter how you approach it, what you do or how you choose to implement the male chastity lifestyle, if it’s right for you both than that’s all that matters.

You might think that’s an odd thing for me to say, but remember one of the reasons for writing this male chastity guide was there is so little good information about that’s not tainted with nonsense, fantasy and downright bad ideas.

Now, how to start with male chastity is… to start at the very beginning.

There is a temptation to dive right in at the deep-end by rushing out and buying a chastity device and hoping you can snap it shut and remain chaste for a month or two. And you will indeed read accounts like that all over the Internet.

And they’re lies.

No, I can’t prove it and you are free to believe them if you wish, but no one who has genuine real-life experience with male chastity is going to give them the slightest bit of credibility.

The reasons we know they’re just fantasy are many and varied, but please, for now in this basic male chastity guide, just take it from me male chastity is like any other aspect of your relationship: you don’t want to rush into it and at best be disappointed and at worst unnecessarily spoil something wonderful you wouldn’t have spoiled if you’d just taken your time.

Now, I’m going to assume at this point, you’re both sitting reading this male chastity guide together or at least you’re both at a point where you’re talking about the male chastity lifestyle as something you’re willing to explore.

There are many easy, comfortable and safe ways to broach the subject to your partner whether you’re a man or a woman, but one very simple way I share with you in another article is to use male chastity stories.

First, begin with some gentle chastity play. Agree beforehand you expect him to please you any way he likes, but make it clear you won’t allow him to make love to you and he’ll have to use his imagination.

Massage is a good place to start, and then remember he has fingers and a tongue (use your imagination, too… this is a male chastity guide not a sex manual!).

The first few times it might be difficult because it’s new territory for both of you. Promise him you’ll make love to him again in the morning and allow him release if he does a good job tonight. That way he’s not got too long to wait and is unlikely to get sulky (he won’t mean to, but it’s new for him, too).

After a few times you can lengthen the time you’re going to make him wait a little: perhaps the next night, or the weekend.

If this is working well and you both feel comfortable with the next stage, you can invest in a simple chastity device. Now, there are literally hundreds of devices on the market and you can pay anything from £90 for a basic plastic device to over £1,000 for a bespoke made-to-measure high-tech stainless-steel chastity belt.

My advice in this male chastity guide is to go for something simple and affordable, like the plastic devices and see how you get on. In our experience simple play, the plastic device was fine but it didn’t suit us at all for long-term wear. Having said that, some people find them suitable and effective for long-term use.

All you can do is see how it is for you.

Just don’t get your hopes up too much too quickly.

Even if the device is comfortable you might find when he gets really turned on it is extremely uncomfortable and painful for him, and while some women claim that’s a fitting “punishment”, that’s not my kind of thing – this is a male chastity guide, not a guide for Dominatrixes! I want to deny his orgasm and have him wanting me like mad not in pain from constricted, sore and swollen testicles!

At some point, you’re going to find you want to progress a little. Now, there are no hard and fast rules about this and it’s so important to find what suits you and your partner rather than trying to conform to what so many people in the “scene” will say you “should” do. Believe me, some can get quite unpleasant if you don’t live your life and treat your husband or lover how they think he ought to be treated.

Ultimately you’ll reach a level at which you feel comfortable, and to some extent that’s going to dictate the kind of device you end up with. In general in this male chastity guide I’d say get the most expensive device or belt you can afford because in my experience there’s nothing quite so disappointing as a device you have to take off because it’s unsuitable for wearing for the length of time you want him to wear it for!

Two Final Pieces of Advice

As I mentioned before, you’ll eventually find out what works best for you both and that’s the only thing you should worry about.

However, there are two points I’ll make in this male chastity guide which I consider to be “universals”, in that everyone I’ve ever spoken to who has successfully incorporated male chastity into their relationship.

First, remember this is supposed to be fun for both of you. I know there’s an element of teasing in it but you need to be the judge of when his “no” means “yes”, and when “no” really does mean “no”.

The second is you must be firm. Yes, it seems contradictory to what I’ve just said but you must remember he has asked for this, or he’s at least consented to it if the idea’s your own.

The truth is, he wants you to be firm with him. He might want to orgasm but he craves your denial of it.

This can’t be stressed enough in any male chastity guide.

For example, my husband, John, whom I keep in strict male chastity and orgasm denial, sometimes for months on end, will sometimes beg me not to let him orgasm because the feeling of being “in the zone” is so incredibly profound.

More to the point, when it becomes too much and he begs for release, if I don’t let him (I never do if he’s begging for it… that’s one of my rules), then while he moans and groans at the time… afterwards he thanks me for being so strong and cruel.

In the early days I would give in… and he always told me afterwards I shouldn’t have done. Men!

To Sum Up

The male chastity lifestyle is exciting, pleasurable and extremely rewarding for you and your partner.

But like any lifestyle, it takes some thought and work to get it exactly right. Most important of all is it’s your life and you should do things your way.

One of golf's best-known aphorisms is 'Drive for show, putt for dough' but your chance to make a putt is somewhat reduced if you can't find the fairway, and then the green. At the very highest level the quality of ball-striking is such that tournaments are often won by the guy who has a hot putter that week, but week in and out driving is the bedrock on which a golfer's game is built. Sam Snead went as far as to say that you should only practice driving and putting.

And as with putting, many players can drive the ball well for a limited period but few can maintain consistent excellence over the course of a career that lasts decades. No-one can do it well all the time – even the absolute best have their off days and weeks – but these golfers did it better for longer than anyone else who lived.

20. Harold Hilton

The Englishman with the marvelous middle name of 'Horsfall' never turned pro but won two Opens at the end of the 19th century, four Amateur championships and a US Amateur, in the days when the very best were from the unpaid ranks. His most conspicuous quality was the straightness of his driving.

19. Tom Watson

Has a fast tempo but a great, simple, repetitive technique that gets the job done time and again. The greatest Major ever – 1977s duel in the sun with Nicklaus – was decided on the 72nd hole when he split the fairway to set up his winning birdie. Like many in this list the quality of his ball-striking never left him but the golfing gods decide that very few can have it all for too long, so his putting stroke headed south.

18. James Braid

One of the Great Triumvirate, along with Vardon and Taylor, Braid was the longest driver of the three and found more than his fair share of fairways. Won his five Open Championships in a 10-year stretch and even at age 78 shot a gross 74. Went on to become a notable architect whose courses, not surprisingly, put a premium on good tee shots.

17. Lee Trevino

Like so many other great drivers, his stock-in-trade was a controlled fade that worked with remarkable consistency. But his real genius was that when he needed to draw the ball he could. Very few have ever controlled ball-flight with the unfailing accuracy of SuperMex so it was no surprise that when he joined the US Seniors Tour (as it was then) it became his personal retirement fund.

16. Robert Tire Jones

Possibly the best there has ever been but the shortness of his career makes a true comparison with modern greats impossible. Thirteen Majors in seven years tells its own story and they were built on a loose, rhythmical, flowing swing that usually sent the ball exactly where it was meant to go.

15. Nick Faldo

Golf's Greatest Living Englishman calculatedly sacrificed some of the length of his youth in order to develop the metronomic swing that gave him six Majors. The benefits were never more clearly demonstrated than at Muirfield in 1992 when, under pressure from John Cook he nailed it on the 72nd hole to set up his championship winning par.

14. Joyce Wethered

Arguably the greatest woman golfer ever to pull on spikes, she was so impressive that even Bob Jones said he had never been so intimidated by anyone's play. Henry Cotton added: 'I do not think a golf ball has ever been hit, except perhaps by Harry Vardon, with such a straight flight by any other person.' She won five English Amateur and four Amateur Championships and retired far too early.

13. Byron Nelson

Also retired when still in his prime – at age 34 (because of haemophilia and a dislike of the Tour pro's life) and, unlike most in this list, eschewed a controlled fade or draw in favor of simply hitting it straight. It was something he did so well that in 1945 he won 18 tournaments, 11 of them on the bounce, for the greatest streak of all time.

12. Ernie Els

The affable South African does everything well but it all starts on the teeing ground and in the modern era he has the winning combination of both length and accuracy. He's such a powerful hitter that he can nudge his Titleist out there over 300 yards without apparent effort, so he invariably retains control.

11. Jim Furyk

US Open winners cannot afford to be wild off the tee and, while not up there with the longest in the game, Furyk's unorthodox style gives him the repeatability for which most golf pros would sell their grandmothers. Now recovered from wrist surgery he perpetually demonstrates that anyone who can hit fairways and greens will be tough to beat.

10. Ben Hogan

Hogan, like many Texans who grow up trying to hit the ball low under the wind, developed a chronic hook that almost put paid to his career but by bloody-minded determination and unceasing practice he made himself into one of the best drivers ever. So much so that the sixth hole at Carnoustie has been re-named 'Hogan's Alley' in honor of the narrow strip of grass between bunkers and OB that he found all four days in 1953 en route to victory and his only claret jug in the only Open in which he competed.

9. Annika Sorenstam

Her iron play, particularly from 100 yards in, is exquisite, she has a fine putting touch and probably the best brain in women's golf but long, straight driving is the platform on which the best golfer in the world game is based. So relentlessly does she thrash her opponents that an alternative career as a dominatrix beckons when she gives up golf.

8. Harry Vardon

Six Opens, which remains a record, and one US Open are the Majors tally for one of the purest ball-strikers ever to pick up a brassie or spoon. Challenged throughout his career by JH Taylor and James Braid he nevertheless was first among equals, mainly because of his great ability from the tee.

7. Tony Jacklin

Like Hogan, Vardon, Watson and others in this list he continued to be a superlative striker of the ball long after his scoring ability was sabotaged by a dodgy putting stroke. But we shall remember him always for the athleticism and power of his tee shots, summed up by Henry Longhurst with the words 'What a corker!' as Jacklin unleashed a superlative drive on the 18th at Royal Lytham and St Annes in 1969 for his only Open win on this side of the Atlantic.

6. Jack Nicklaus

The greatest ever had a swing characterized as 'rock and block' that consisted of an upright action that, coupled with his strength, gave him the most telling power fade ever seen. He had the capacity to bludgeon a course but preferred to use brains as well as brawn and quietly pick its pockets. Eighteen Majors and 19 runners-up spots suggest that his driving was, err, really quite good.

5. Calvin Peete

Born black and dirt poor, with 18 siblings, Peete didn't even play golf until he was 23 and it was an unlikely sport to choose because he broke his left elbow as a boy and it wasn't set properly, leaving him unable to straighten his arm. Unexpectedly, the injury meant he was phenomenally straight and he topped the US Tour driving accuracy stats for 10 straight years. And as Lee Trevino said: 'He straightens his arm to take the check.'

4. Colin Montgomerie

For seven unbelievable years Monty never had to have his golf shoes cleaned because he didn't know where the rough was and simply walked down the middle of the newly-mown grass. He famously never practiced – because he never needed to. Stroll on the tee, hit driver to right center, find the green and hole the putt. Piece of piss to a trained athlete.

3. Sir Henry Cotton

It was said of the three-time Open winner (by US coach Bob Toski) that he was so unyieldingly straight from the tee that it was impossible to determine if his ball was in the left or right side of the fairway. Cotton knew how good he was and didn't shy away from telling others but most of them could see it for themselves whenever he drove the ball.

2. Sam Snead

Quite possibly the most naturally gifted player ever, Snead's swing was so fluid that it was likened to pouring molasses over treacle and the epithet 'Slammin' Sam 'always did him a great disservice because he was a pure swinger, not a hitter. He won 84 US Tour events – a record still to be beaten, over six different decades, five Majors and recorded 34 holes-in-one. He remained good enough to finish third in the US PGA at age 62 and throughout it all his driving was the lynchpin.

1. Greg Norman

His career spanned the change from persimmon to titanium but he was equally good with either. Previously, golfers tended to be either long or straight but none before or since has combined the two to such telling effect. Like a Federer serve or Lillee bouncer, Norman's tee shot was the ace in his hand that he knew he could rely on when it really counted. Two Opens are scant reward for one so talented but his final 18 holes at Royal St George's in 1993 when he lifted the claret jug for the second time is possibly the greatest driving round ever seen. When the pressure was really on he showed frailty with his iron approach shots but with a wood in his hands he was peerless.

Huge but haywire
Tiger Woods: Only a man with his genius could contend as often he does without ever finding a fairway.
John Daly: The enormous backswing means that if his timing is just a fraction out – which it often is – then the ball could go anywhere.
Laura Davies: Wallops it like an angry man, and just as unpredictable.
Hank Kuehne: Tall, pencil-thin American who, like Gerald Ford, doesn't know which course he's playing until after the first tee shot comes to rest.

Back to the practice ground
Thomas Bjorn: In this year European Open put three balls into the River Liffey on the 71st hole before eventually signing off with an 11, on his way to shooting 86.
Seve Ballesteros: Once suggested that all courses should have no fairways, so that everyone else would have to play from the rough, too.
Jose Maria Olazabal: Often couldn't find a fairway with GPS but such are his powers of recovery, and iron play, that it didn't matter.
Ben Crenshaw: Tom Weiskopf said of him: 'He hits in the woods so often he should get an orange hunting jacket.'
Arnold Palmer: Only knew one way to play and that was to thrash it as hard as possible, with rather inevitable consequences.

Honorable mention
Moe Norman; Golf's greatest eccentric was famous for hitting drivers so straight that a caddie with a baseball glove could stand at the end of the range and catch them – supposedly without moving his feet.

Almost made it into the top-20
Angel Cabrera: Monstrously long Argentinian is still not consistent enough but he is fun to watch.
Vijay Singh: Regularly among the longest drivers on Tour and has the strength to recover when he finds the rough – an ability that is tested just a tad too often.
Tom Kite: The nearest thing golf has to a cyborg, he defined the importance of fairway, green, hole the putt, but wavered when the pressure was most intense.
Fred Funk: Shorter than a Nick Faldo thank-you speech to journalists but always walks in a straight line after his ball.
Retief Goosen: Long enough and straight enough but not quite enough of either to be included.

In the days of old, it was often women who were put into chastity devices – often at their mothers’ insistence. As such, many of the devices were beautiful and ornate, almost like pieces of jewelry. They were as feminine and pretty as the maidenhood they kept under lock and key. But that was another era, when the unreliability of any real form of birth control made it seem desirable to protect her from an unwanted pregnancy due to teenage passion, a simple mistake or a sexual assault.

With the invention of latex condoms, diaphragms and birth control pills, however, the need to keep a maiden under lock and key disappeared. In fact, people soon figured out that it was desirable for women to have many partners and sexual experiences, so she could really understand her own body and sexuality.

At the same time, people started realizing that men, on the other hand, should be locked up, because otherwise they will give in to the temptations of porn, masturbation or infidelity. Plus, as any woman who has tried it will tell you, a husband under lock and key is always more romantic and helpful than one who has the illusion of freedom.

Thus the first modern male chastity belts – or male chastity CB’s – were born. But, unfortunately they were made by men, for men, and as such were strictly utilitarian. They got the job done, but often lacked any aesthetic appeal.

But, this should come as no surprise. Most men can’t pick out a nice shirt without our help! Of course, they didn’t realize that we’d want their male chastity CB to be nice and attractive.

Luckily, as women have started embracing the male chastity lifestyle, the manufacturers have responded with a series of designer male chastity CBs that not only work, but also are pleasant on the eyes.

You have a number of options to choose from. If you are into female domination, you can get ones that make it look like he’s wearing a pair of panties and has a flat front – almost like he has no penis at all!

You can get tubes and cages in any number of colors and styles – though bright pink and dark black remain popular for many of the less expensive “training” male chastity CBs.

The most popular, and in my opinion the best of the bunch, is the new CB-6000 Designer Series, all of which are very attractive and extremely secure without being too expensive.

The CB-6000 Woody is made of secure plastic, but as its name implies looks like it is fashioned out of beautiful dark hardwood. Best of all, it’s nice to think of him having a woody when he can’t get one himself anymore!

If you like your guy to look a little more manly, the CB-6000 Camouflage may be your best bet. Also made of secure plastic, this little device has been created so it looks like an army camouflage uniform. And, what woman doesn’t like a man in uniform?

Finally, if you are into trendy contrasts and cutting edge designs you can consider the CB-6000 Chrome. It’s bright and shiny as the name would suggest, and has a metallic look to it while not being quite as threatening to his ego as steel. It’s a truly beautiful device.

Of course, this all comes down to personal preference. Just remember that it’s your decision, not his; so find a designer male chastity CB that you think will go best with his own personal style.

It is my opinion and observation that many couples take the male chastity lifestyle far too seriously. Or, rather, they’re too solemn about it since as British comedian John Cleese once pointed out, the opposite of fun isn’t serious; it’s solemn.

And while I think being serious about how you treat it is perhaps a good thing (after all, having your penis and testicles locked up in, say, a stainless-steel chastity belt is a pretty serious business, as indeed is their health and safety and insisting on regular cleaning and inspection).

But there’s no need to be all po-faced and solemn about it, just as there’s no need to be po-faced an solemn about sex in general. After all, if you look at sex objectively it’s pretty funny, what with all the funny noises and faces you pull, the positions you get into and the wet and slimy squelching.

Looked at like that, it’s nothing short of hilarious – and if we can’t see the funny side, then we’re not going to enjoy that side of our lives very much. When I was a young woman, new to sex, the first time I heard that sudden, rasping escape of air from my nether regions, I wanted to die. I was SO embarrassed. I actually finished with my boyfriend of the time because I was so embarrassed.

But now, some (mumble) years on, I realize it’s actually amusing, something for you both to laugh at.

And the male chastity lifestyle is no different!

For a start, getting a chastity device or belt on is not always quick and easy. It is lovely to imagine you can get him all hot and steamy and quickly slip it onto him with a flick of the wrist, but you’re ignoring some simple laws of physics here. In the same way a square peg won’t go into a round hole, an erect throbbing penis won’t go into a narrow tube without lube, concentration and, as often as not, a few ice-cubes.

And you’ll find the male chastity lifestyle is full of these amusing (if you’ll let them be amusing) little quirks and hiccoughs.

For example, he might find it a solemn occasion when he goes down on his knees and begs you to take his key, but, frankly, it’s actually pretty funny. I don’t mean you’re laughing at him per se but you’re laughing at yourself, the two of you and the whole situation.

And if you’re both being solemn about it and you get the urge to giggle, well… it’s like laughing at a funeral. No one’s happy and it tends to spoil the occasion.

But it won’t if you…

Lighten up and realize the male chastity lifestyle is supposed to be fun!

Serious fun, yes; but fun all the same. And then there are the devices themselves. Some of them actually do look pretty hot. I think the stainless-steel belts like the Tollyboy look fantastic on a man. But some of them look frankly silly when seen objectively, just as sex itself is funny and faintly ridiculous when you’re looking at it dispassionately.

Yet, I think the real danger of allowing solemnity to creep in is when you really want it to be serious and fun, like when he’s starting to get desperate to orgasm and it is, in all truth, becoming difficult for him.

Then you have two choices: be solemn, and get mad at him; or be serious and fun and gently remind him of why you’re both doing this and with love and compassion, coax him through these difficult times.

A little compassion goes a long way in the male chastity lifestyle as it does in every other walk of life. You can be loving and compassionate and keep that sense of serious fun and yet still be strict in your demands. You can have fun and laugh with him rather than at him without having to give in at the first hint of a moan, gripe or complaint.

You can just be YOU

The image of the fire-breathing, aggressive and man-hating dominatrix you must become if you want to live the male chastity lifestyle is a false one, invented by those who know nothing about the reality of this delicious game. It is a fun way to live, and anyone can do it without having to become something they’re not and would never want to be.

Male chastity is growing in popularity and many couples continue to search out advice on male steel chastity devices. They do so because they are serious about their marriages and want to make sure they keep the romance and intimacy in their relationship alive.

Male chastity couples know that men don’t really want or need sexual freedom. In fact, almost all men are much happier once they are kept under lock and key by their wives. They no longer waste time masturbating or looking at porn, they are more helpful around the house and they know that the sex is much better!

With that in mind, the most common question becomes – which type of male chastity belt device to choose. They come in two basic types, plastic and steel. There are advantages and disadvantages to both types of devices.

While in general I think steel devices are the best choice when it comes to long-term male chastity, one should be aware the disadvantages of steel male chastity belts as well.

• Steel belts can feel more emasculating to a man than plastic ones. That’s why I always suggest that people start out with plastic belts and build up to steel ones. The goal is to make him feel more manly, not less.
• Steel belts will set off alarms at airport security checkpoints. If your man travels a good deal, you should get him a plastic belt to use when he’s away.
• Some men experience more chafing with a steel device than with a plastic one. If your man is particularly sensitive, it might be good to get him a plastic one. An alternative is to line the inside of the device with moisturizer.
• The plastic devices come in a wide variety of colors and designs. Many women find these devices more visually attractive than the steel ones, which often look too masculine and shiny.
• If he is in a steel tube he won’t be able to wash his penis himself, which means you will be in charge of his intimate hygiene. Some women don’t have a problem with this, but others find the task somewhat distasteful.
• Steel is more bulky, which means that he’ll have to be somewhat careful with what he wears. While it will be invisible under his pants, it may be more obvious if he wears a Speedo style swimsuit.
• There is no possible way he can remove a steel male chastity device on his own. This means in the case of an emergency, he won’t be able to get out. For example, if you got into an accident and were stuck in the hospital, he’d have a problem. For this reason I suggest getting two sets of keys and leaving the spare set with a trusted friend or relative.

Those are the most common disadvantages to steel male chastity belt devices. Personally I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages; but every woman should be well informed when it comes to this crucial part of their married lives.