In my book, I talk about my ability to have sex “like a man” and how this one…trait? skill?…actually made men trust me and like me more. In fact, I would go so far as to say my capacity to have sex with a man-like attitude shockingly made some men fall in love with me.

How weird is that? I know what you’re thinking: R-i-g-h-t, girlfriend.

But it happened.

So what does it mean to have sex “like a man”? Simply, it means not bonding with your sexual partner beyond the intimacy of being naked together and enjoying physical pleasure together. For a woman, this means not allowing that sneaky hormone oxytocin to cloud your judgment of the man you just had sex with, i.e. make him better than he really is. (Refresher point: Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, which is most abundant in women’s bodies during childbirth and sex.)

So the reason women want to bond when they have sex is because of the increased oxytocin pump. Men? Not so much. Although they have oxytocin, their levels are naturally much lower. The difference in the levels between men and women is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Stop now and make a mental note of that because it’s why it takes most men so long to bond.

By the time I got to the sex “like a man” phase of my life, I understood that if I had a post-coital oxytocin rush, I pretty much ignored it. I definitely didn’t let it make a fool of me. I knew from experience that it would fade. It’s like smoking pot. You can be on a peace and love high for hours, but eventually you’ll come down and your life will be the same as it was before. So I learned not to put a ton of importance on how I felt about a man immediately after sex. What was more accurate and reliable was how I felt two days or a week later.

Okay. A little self-disclosure: I need to let you know that I am a woman who doesn’t have a huge amount of natural oxytocin. Although I do bond deeply, I don’t bond easily. I’m not a big hugger. In fact, I’m not touchy-feely at all. When my first child was born it bothered me that I didn’t have the immediate bonding sensations I had read about other new mothers experiencing. At first I was afraid that meant I would be a bad mother. Then I realized that motherhood, like marriage and friendships, could be done in many different ways. So I forgot about it and lived my life and became a good mother who raised happy kids despite my oxytocin disadvantage.

It wasn’t until I divorced and started dating again that the whole bonding issue resurfaced. I started having sex with virtual strangers – meaning three or four dates does not a relationship make. And of course there were the usual insecurities of dating after being married for years and also negotiating the sometimes confusing protocol for the social scene I now inhabited. Does he like my body? Does he like my sex? Am I too loud? Too aggressive? Not aggressive enough? You know the drill.

And I admit that sometimes, possibly due to those early insecurities, I wanted to bond with a new lover just so I could feel less alone in the world. After all, I was used to being a twosome. I wanted the affirmation and the comfort of bonding, even if I didn’t want the man.

So dating again tapped into my small but pent up oxytocin stores. It was like the oxytocin hose was clogged and being single again blew out the pipes, and there I was bonding all over the place like a love-crazed addict.

But I soon learned that this was a mistake. Big mistake, in fact, if I wanted to be successful with men. I soon learned that allowing yourself to bond too quickly makes guys uncomfortable and skittish, even if they really like you. This is especially true if they have already done the marriage thing. Most men – who, no matter what they tell you, are looking for stability and companionship – will run from a woman who wants to make that process go too fast. Why? Because if you’re in that much of a hurry to close the deal, they don’t trust you. They figure it can’t end well. They see women as always trying to catch a man. Catching is a game. So how do men win this game? They avoid getting caught.

So I quickly learned to play the game differently from most women. And for starters, I began having sex like a man.

After doing the deed for the first time with a guy, especially if I thought he was all that and a bag of chips, while he was cringingly expecting me to now act like the two of us were an item, I simply didn’t. I didn’t start texting sweet messages. I didn’t start making plans for us. I didn’t start calling him. I didn’t even let him think I expected another date – even if I did. And I kept it up until he cried uncle. In other words, I made the boy my bitch by switching it up on him, doing what he didn’t expect. Hey, we all know men love surprises. And get this: Because my behavior was so shockingly like his own, he admired me for it, my stock immediately went up, and he saw me as more desirable. End result? I win, bitches.

So how do you have sex like a man? You enjoy the sexual intimacy and the pleasure, but your heart is not up for grabs. If your insistent hormones are screaming at you to cave, you tell them to go to hell. You dismiss the oxytocin rush as a drug-based high that, like all drug-based highs, doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. Or serve you well in the beginning of a relationship.

Then you kick him out of bed and go about your important day. You’ve got better things to do than rev up all of your romantic fantasies around this guy. Trust me, he’ll love you for it. And guess what? You’ll love yourself.