Divorced – do you miss me?

This is a question asked only hours ago in an email from my ex-wife. I could not, or maybe did not, want to answer it straight away, as I was on business in China when I received it. However, it prompted me to think; when was it, that I was last a resident at the former marital home? That home, which is now the humble residence of said wife, with her husband of what must, by now, be around four months.

I recall that I left the house, when I could no longer stand its bitter atmosphere, on Saturday 27th April 2013. This followed a series of very unfortunate encounters, which had 'come to a head' with an early hours tussle and events on the previous Wednesday, when my schedule should take me to the set of Coronation Street at Granada Studios in Manchester. Following a stormy sequence of events over the course of several days before, I eventually remarked, on the Tuesday night and through sobs of tearful emotion that I did not want to go to work on 'Corrie' that day! My then wife consoled me, and my soft ways accepted that she would maintain contact with me whilst 'on-set'!

Even though I knew at heart, that my marriage of almost thirty years was probably over, I naively thought that my staying at home that day, may somehow help to save it! My wife however, had other ideas and her placating words were received by me, as a drowning man would clutch at a straw before finally sinking into the dark depths of some vast ocean! "I will talk to you and you can call me whenever you want", that was the offer and I willingly accepted it. I wanted and thought, I 'needed' her contact, her voice. Little did I realize the power of the rejection that later followed when she wouldn't speak to me because she was too busy, flirting with her boyfriend on Facebook. As a consequence, and from the mental torture that ensued, I thereafter elected to switch on my cruise control at a speed well in excess of 70mph and point my car at the nearest M62 Bridge parapet!

This is the point I guess, where any person destined to meet their maker, should see one's life flashing before their eyes. Maybe that's a good place to start! However, let's forget childhood and skip twenty years, to the wedding that was to eventually be annulled!

It is said that 'Love is blind'. I think in our case, said love was just young and inexperienced. We did love each other in a 'sweethearts' kind of way, but that was, unfortunately, as far as it got. The blooming of that relationship was put on hold, due to my then fiancé, falling pregnant with our first daughter. This raised the notion of several possible outcomes further down the line, though sadly, little did any of us appreciate that at the time! Looking back on that period I wish now, that we had not let "the Mothers' go into overdrive, and complete the farce, that was effectively to become an 'arranged marriage'. An occasion that saw all 'their' friends invited to the 'grand event' and none of our own! We had been courting for two years and engaged for two more, there was a chance it could pan out okay, had it not been doomed from the start. Incidentally, I wanted to be married in a church and my new wife-to-be, most definitely did not want that dress (or the damned veil)!

Reading the above, one may be forgiven, for assuming that I am looking to apportion blame here for the ultimate outcome. Not so! I mention these circumstances merely so that others may learn from my / our experience and I would encourage them to do WHAT they may want, WHEN they want! If this had been the case with us, then who knows, maybe I would not be thinking now, that I should have walked out of our marriage within the first week. This, as a result of the great, 'Dinner's-in-the-bin' incident, orchestrated to coincide with me walking home through the door, filthy, tired and very hungry, following completion of a breakdown shift at British Steel. Very loving of a new wife!

It was around two years into this marriage, that my Brother decided he'd had enough of life. I don't know what he went through in Medomsley, but I do know it scarred him. This, and a girl called Lisa who's Mother didn't think my Brother was good enough, and the death of my cousin six months earlier, also by suicide, was enough to send him over the edge. Well that's the official line anyway. All I would add is that two, drug-running sons-of-bitches in Stockton, think they have got away with something, but hey Karma rules and every dog ​​has his day. As for his so called mates, well, thanks for nothing! My wife was most definitely a rock to me during this dark period of my early twenties.

And so life went on! Good times, bad times, more lovely Kids and even Grand Children. More innocents to be caught in the fray and melee, that ensued afterwards. But such life, was not without its strange ways. I could be in danger here of bordering into the territory of character assassination. This is not my intention. I should merely like to remark, that for someone who was constantly accusing me of 'becoming just like her father', she did a great job steering herself in that direction, eventually being revealed as the apple of his eye! He must be real proud. It is my undoubted opinion that he certainly never liked me from the go-get, and what grandfather can't even remember the name of his first grandson!

There followed then, episodes that correspond with the ups and downs of any marriage, I guess. Save for the adultery and other complications (which I was blissfully unaware of for seventeen years), I would happily have admitted to a great life and an even greater wife. Then I received the news! OMG I was devastated, but given the source, I could not let it show. Literally! I was stunned. Incapacitated! Then the slow dawning of realization descended upon me. Some unexplained moments in of my life, like badly fitting pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, suddenly taking shape before my eyes, oddities and behavioural traits throughout that period, suddenly explained. My Epiphany had arrived!

To add insult to injury, the latest flirt on Facebook, became the new boyfriend, or rather, the most recent one! So, despite frantic efforts, I could not stop the relationship that I valued, as highly as that with my Children and Grand Children, being eroded to the point of non existence. Worse still, as time goes by, my cherished memories continue to be erased, with great chunks of my life being rendered meaningless on a daily basis.

So what then, of the email question? Do I miss you? Well I found out in another email the next day, that apparently I had mistaken it's meaning. The question was allegedly pointed toward my wife's mother in spirit. As unlikely as this would seem, the answer is, nonetheless 'of course I do'. One cannot live the greater part of their life with someone and not miss them once wrenched apart!

That leads me onto the reason why I have raised this article. The subject matter reaches out to all of us on several levels. I would hope therefore, that the lessons within this piece, are also applicable to a wider audience in some way or other.

The first philosophical observation I would raise, is that the loss incurred through separation and divorce, raises feelings that are not unlike those of the loss of a loved one in death. Whilst love never really dies in such instances, there are still the five phases of 'grief' to be dealt with, both psychologically and emotionally, before one can move on with the subject of loss in general:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining / Compromise
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Personally, I have been through each stage, suffering loss through both death and the divorce scenario and incidentally, experiencing dramatic amounts of pain throughout each. In my experience, there is huge emotional turmoil to be overcome in the grieving process, during which one can feel lost and vulnerable. Perhaps a point to be recognized here however; is that pain can be relative to the depth of feeling surrounding the loss. Also the key phases, especially in bargaining and compromise, will vary greatly in its terms; from person to person and with the surrounding circumstances.

So how does one get through the ordeal of divorce? In my experience the first task is to think and remain positive and recognize, that the situation is all part of the cyclical nature of life, with all of its ups and downs in general. Essentially, over time, what seems an impossible position at any given moment, should pale into insignificance as time goes by and as other opportunities (and problems) present themselves. Also, one must recognize that people are people, first and foremost and one must accept the premise that a couple, can only stay together through the mutual goodwill of both parties concerned. If any one person, no longer wishes to maintain a relationship with another, then this must be recognized and ultimately respected. Such an issue can certainly not be enforced to the contrary.

Ultimately the point of the exercise is to reach the acceptance stage of the five phases, as soon as possible, thus minimising any pain to all concerned. This may need forgiveness. My own position on forgiveness is reproduced below courtesy and copyright of astralunity.com …

"How can we forgive someone who has wronged us?

For every wrong doing there is an underlying cause. This does not mean that such wrong doing is justifiable but nonetheless, mitigating factors (the other side of the coin) must be considered. Without such consideration there is no balance. The person (s) who would commit the wrong doing would have a reason (s) (justifiable to them at the time) for engaging in such voluntary action. The act of forgiveness is not necessarily the same as acceptance of the wrong doing, nor is it condoning any wrong doing and neither will remove the pain. It is simply the ability to rationalize awareness of the whole scenario and come to an understanding of all the facts, as they relate to human nature and the circumstances surrounding the act. Being able to forgive, demonstrates the ability for evolved thinking and rationalization and is a clear indication of higher spiritual awareness. "

Moving on may require more personal contact to get past any physical blocking of acceptance. Like facing one's nemesis! Maybe that's a question for the new husband, the Children involved and, in my particular case, well … Remember Corrie? What did 'save' me from hitting a parapet at more than 70mph that evening on the M62? Whilst that's the subject of another story, let's just say that a certain Earth Angel, may also have a say on the subject too!

Alan Carter