Early in our marriage I can recall several conversations that went like this:

Me: [exasperated] ‘Darling, just tell me what you want me to do, when and how, and I’ll do it. Make it simpler. I want you to be happy. If you’re happy I’ll be happy.’

My wife: [livid] ‘But you’re missing the point.’

Me: ‘I’m confused, frustrated and angry.’

My wife: I can’t help you understand that it’s about more than doing what I want you to do.

Fortunately, at some point, I worked out the problem with the attitude of ‘I just want to be shown.’ As we discussed it recently, my wife and I deduced that it must have been a realisation in me through marriage counselling. I cannot thank God enough. It has been a game-changer in our marriage.

Having counselled dozens of individuals and couples now there is broad trend that suggests that when marriages are in trouble (and all marriages have times of trouble) a high proportion of the time men just want to know what they need to do, and how and when to do it. To have marital interactions reduced to some kind of formula.

Frustrated, we resort to the simplest, most direct way of fixing the problem. We’re even prepared to submit ourselves to doing what we would prefer not to do to keep our wives happy. And many times, we’re confounded as to why this frustrates our wives. Don’t they see our sacrifice? Yes, they see the sacrifice and they see right through it.

Whilst on the surface it sounds noble to be prepared to do whatever we need to do, I’m sure most women (and some men) who read this will detect the flaw in this approach.

It fails for motive. When someone says, ‘just tell me what to do’ they’re essentially saying, ‘I’m checking out; you’ve lost me.’ We may think that this is what our wives want to hear, but it’s exactly what they don’t want to hear, for it highlights that our love is reduced to checking boxes on a list.

Yet:

All they need to see from us is the desire to understand.

If we desire to understand, sooner or later the penny will drop.

When finally we do understand our heart begins to change.

When two hearts are engaged in marriage both seek first to understand the other rather than be understood themselves.

Most of all marriage is about two adults behaving as adults. Whenever a partner says, ‘Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,’ we can tell something is awry in their commitment to the intimacy within the marriage. As marriage partners, we want our partner to want to do this or that, and certainly to be creative in how they love us.

None of us wants such a cheap love that’s done just because we required it.

We want it to come from our partner’s heart – because they wanted to do it, not because of the pressure we place on them to do what we want, because we know that that’s not love. And no partner should settle for a cheap love that is in fact not love at all. It’s a counterfeit love.

It’s a behaviour that looks like love but doesn’t feel like love.

Remember those popular groups we used to have in school? Have you ever walked through the doors of a church and felt as if you had walked into the wrong popular group? One that you were not needed or wanted? Segregation in churches today is the order of the day. What makes the issue worse is the fact that it has taken various forms including, status segregation, racial segregation, tribal and career segregation among others.

1. Nowadays we have ” black’ churches and ‘white’ churches. In these congregations, the top leadership (Bishop, Reverent and pastor) all the way down to the last member is of a certain skin color. The issue is so dire that no one dares going to a church whose members are of the opposite color.

2. Christian fraternity seems to have accepted this as the norm and very few people seem to care anymore. One wonders; if the bible is true and the kingdom of heaven is not divided, why is there so much segregation in the church today? Why have Christians allowed the enemy to fill them with this evil and hindered the very gospel that they so much wish to share with the world.

3. The church is no longer like their master. One of the reasons that Jesus was extremely controversial when he was here on earth is because he loved humanity. He loved tax collectors like Mathew, healed Jairus’ daughter, forgave and delivered Mary Magdalene who was initially a prostitute and he ate with sinners. The pharisees during that time were like the current church. They had segregated certain people in the society and expected everybody else to do so.

4. There is also political segregation in churches today. Various churches support certain political parties and the gospel is tailor-made to suit these ideologies.

5. Jesus came with a mission, “to save the lost”. He did not allow the politics in the religious cycles to control and blind him to his mission. It is the love he showed humanity that pulled sinners to him like a magnet. So, why does the church of today think that they can succeed any other way?

6. Truth be told; religious segregation is not love; it is hate. It will not and cannot bring the lost souls to the kingdom. If anything, it will push them away. The only thing that will draw all men to Christ is if the Christians lift him high. They do so by loving one another (1 John 3:11). When the world sees the love among Christians, they will want to become followers of Christ.

Have the old scars in your life completely healed? Still healing, or far from healing? Do you see yourself getting worked up when the thought of a particular incident rears its obnoxious head?

The truth is, unless you take action, there will always be a negative or positive reaction. Many times, it is therapeutic to delve into the archives of your life and excavate one or more torturous experiences for the purpose of re-examination and permanent closure. This is why, after more than 34 years, I am riding back to my high school days to open an incredible can of stinky worms.

In Form 4 (high school), I was the treasurer of my school’s Literary and Debating Society. Our annual party was held on a Saturday, and it was a huge success. I was scheduled to meet with the president, vice president, and secretary of the Literary and Debating Society the following Sunday to go over finances and other matters. It was supposed to be a brief meeting. A popular student, G. E., was the president. A.A. was most likely the vice president, or the third guy, whose name and face I cannot recall. They were all senior male students.

The following Sunday at about 8pm, I climbed the staircase to their Upper Six classroom. I didn’t know I was climbing up to a life-changing event. There were students reading in the classroom, and one particular guy sat behind the teacher’s table with his eyes and ears supposedly buried in his books. In the corner of the classroom, a few feet from the teacher’s desk, was a small storage room called a cubicle. It existed in certain classrooms in the school. This particular one was transformed into a reading oasis with two desks and chairs. It was here that one of the officials ushered me for our meeting so we wouldn’t distract those who were reading. I sat on a chair by the door. The guys sat behind the desks. Our meeting was over in less than 20 minutes. I showed them the financial log, we discussed a thing or two, and it was time for me to go back to my hostel before lights out. I walked out of the cubicle into the classroom and caught the sneaky eyes of that same student behind the teacher’s desk. I dismissed his gaze and went my way.

Five days later, on a beautiful Friday morning, I was greeted by warnings from some students about my name gracing a very damaging headline on the Press Club notice board. (Back then, Press Club was a group of faceless students who wrote about disorderly students. They backed their tales with despicable caricatures and stories of their subject. Sometimes, they used their cowardly pens to fabricate and settle personal vendettas against other students. They didn’t report to a higher authority, hence the occasional abuse of their freedom of written expression.)

I was wondering what they were talking about until I stood face to face with the notice board and saw in bold letters: “Did Esohe Oyairo [my maiden name] taste the Forbidden Fruit? Check for full details on Monday morning.” I was frozen in shock. What? How? Who? Why? Is this a bad dream? What is going on? “Forbidden Fruit?” These questions kept echoing in my mind. I was dizzy with confusion. Unrestrained tears began flowing. I knew my life in school would never be the same again. Throughout that weekend, I begged the ground to open and swallow me. It declined. At the same time, I kept looking for anyone who knew at least one of the faceless members of the Press Club. My efforts proved futile.

On Monday morning, the article came out as promised. It was dripping with gory details accompanied by vulgar cartoons that still provoke shivers today. My good name was dipped and stained with cruel lies written by a faceless monster. I wondered why. Who did this to me? Who?

The article detailed how G.E., A.A., the other guy, and I were engaged in consensual intercourse in the cubicle. All of them were taking turns with me, and the writer could hear me saying, “I am tired, I am tired,” but G.E. kept saying, “Just one more round, just one more round.” The writer talked of how, when they were done with me, I dressed up like nothing had happened and walked out of the classroom like a peacock.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I kept pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Can you imagine what I was going through, considering how painfully shy I was back then? The principal, Mr. Udofia, called me to his office and told me I was going to be expelled from school if the article was true. I remember the terror in my eyes as I told him with tears rushing from my eye sockets: “Sir, I have never been with a boy before, and I am ready to go to any hospital to take a virginity test.” I was fighting for my life. He said he had already talked to the boys in question, and they disputed the article. He promised to ask the Press Club to investigate and take it down. The sad thing is, though he never called me back to his office, he did not order them to take the story down.

In fact, it remained on the notice board for more than a week. I wondered then and still wonder what was fueling this shenanigan. Out of pity, two members of the Press Club broke their code of silence and revealed some of their confidential discussions as well as the brain behind the article.

Remember the guy seated behind the teacher’s desk in the Upper Six classroom pretending to be buried in his books? Yes, it was him-Justice Jonusa. A tall, skinny, dark guy with a funny haircut, disturbing cough, and a very weird aura. I still cannot fathom why Justice slapped me with such injustice by inventing something out of nothing.

INDICTED FOR IMAGINARY INDULGENCE

My reputation was shredded to pieces. Some junior students and classmates whispered “Forbidden Fruit” to me. Life in school became unbearable. I withdrew into a very traumatic shell, and at the same time became a shell of my old self. My academic performance was marred as well. It seemed like no one cared. The principal failed me! Press Club members failed me! The system failed me! I couldn’t even tell my parents what was going on. Where would I start? Second, I was 261 miles away in boarding school.

This stigma followed me till I left for university a year later. I was too happy to start a new life free from false accusations. In my second year, I went back to my high school for an event. Guess what? Someone in the boys’ hostel shouted at the top of his voice: “Forbidden fruit.” I walked on like I didn’t hear him, but my heart skipped several beats, and showers of shame drenched me.

I think it was during second semester in my second year in the university that I began taking a shortcut after classes through the teaching hospital. From the window facing the narrow path, I could see patients on admission in a particular ward in the hospital. I always looked at the patients any time I walked by. Most of them seemed lost in space. One day, my eye caught the eye of a new patient whose bed was directly beside the window. I stopped in disbelief. My heart started racing. Our eyes locked briefly, and then I ran as fast as I could. Guess who it was? Justice Jonusa! I didn’t know it then, but that ward was called B1. It was for psychiatric patients. Jonusa was mentally ill.

The next day I looked at him properly. He was lying down on the bed staring into space. His eyes were blank. He was in another realm. Frankly speaking, I had zero compassion for him. How could I not? I was angry, very angry! The arrows his malicious act lodged in my heart resurrected and started pricking me ruthlessly. If I had the courage, I would have flung open the door of my mouth and rained many “forbidden” words on him. Luckily, I settled for a stare that I hoped spoke volumes.

I kept seeing Jonusa most times I took the shortcut. Our eyes locked on some occasions followed by prickly silence till I walked past. One day, I noticed his bed was empty. The next three times, it was still empty. I wondered if he had recovered or been transferred. It was later I learned the sad truth: Jonusa was dead.

As strange as this sounds, my heart was heavy with sympathy this time. The disdain melted almost immediately. I realized Jonusa was a victim like me. All the while his pen declared Armageddon on me, he was wrestling a mental monster in his personal life. No one recognized it. Like me, the principal failed him. The Press Club failed him. The system failed him big-time.

It is only recently that I began to marvel at this story. Who would have thought I’d end up in the same university with Jonusa? Why is it that when I decided to take a shortcut, I noticed him in the psychiatric ward? What of the silent encounters? Did he want to say something to me? Should I have at least extended an olive branch with a smile? How come I saw his last days? How and why? Only God knows. May his soul rest in perfect peace.

I am grateful to God that I am healed of this bad experience. Who knows, maybe Jonusa was hearing voices and simply hallucinating back then in high school. Whatever the case, I thank God it is over and life continues. May all those suffering from mental illness get the help and healing needed, in Jesus’ name.

I urge those nursing one hurt or the other to look at their pain from another angle. What if the perpetrator has unimaginable issues going on? After all, hurt people hurt others. Right? As painful as it sounds, forgiveness is the best option. It frees one from the cell of bitterness, anger and hatred. It is not easy. Once a decision is taken and implemented, the relief is golden. I pray by God’s grace we find it in our hearts to truly forgive those that caused us pain.

It’s difficult to consider giving when you have very little to spare and no hope of much coming to you in the future; but consider this. When times are tough financially, it is the perfect time to invest in someone or something outside of your situation. What we make happen for others, will result in the same thing happening for us. It all begins with giving our time, talents and financial resources to those in need.

Most people find it easy to give during the holidays or for special occasions, but we tend to forget that giving has benefits far beyond our human understanding. In its simplest form giving is a way to express love, care or concern for another individual. Imagine the impact of giving a hug, a smile or even a positive comment to boost another person’s day. It benefits both the giver and the receiver; and yet there is so much more that is exchanged in the process. Did you know that when we freely give to one another we are creating a phenomenal flow of goodwill, healing and blessing in the spirit realm?

Back in the mid 1980’s I lost my job because of an antitrust suit against AT&T. Companies folded, others were in limbo and unfortunately I was caught in the confusion and left without a job. I had multiple job offers in other cities, but by the time I responded, either the departments or the positions were dissolved. I ended up moving back to the Midwest in hopes of starting my life over; but every door was closed and I was stuck with a home in Florida that would not sell. Someone I knew suggested that I volunteer my time in the new community as a way to stay busy and keep my mind off of life’s complications. So rather than becoming discouraged, I volunteered at a local hospital as a patient visitor. This was very difficult for me because I don’t like hospitals nor being around sick people, and yet I was compelled to take the volunteer position. My assignment was to deliver toys and books to children in the cancer ward. Words could never express the overwhelming compassion that I felt for these children. I was facing financial uncertainty, but these children were facing death. This experience stirred within me a desire to give generously to others. I gave of my time and talent, and desired to give money as well, but without a job it was very challenging. Within a few short weeks, a most peculiar job offer came from a head hunting service. On the surface it didn’t look attractive, but instinctively I knew that I had tapped into a supernatural flow because before I could accept the job offer, my home in Florida sold and I closed on a beautiful new home almost simultaneously. AT&T also called offering me more positions; but the greatest opportunity came a few months later while on this new job. I was asked to represent the company in a local fundraising event. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I finally had a platform in which to bring my time, talents, and the community together to raise funds for local organizations.

It was during this experience that the Spirit of God began showing me that my purpose for accumulating wealth should never be restricted to my own needs. He said that the prosperous man or woman is one who will work hard to supply the needs of the poor as well. I’ll never forget how he told me that there was no lack of resources on earth. He said that there was more than enough wealth and resources available to rid the earth of poverty, but it was in the hands of selfish people. Years later, the Lord would give me a business model that incorporated the methods used by the early Apostles to handle the needs of the poor. According to God, the root cause of poverty and all financial issues in America is that we have become a nation of takers instead of givers. We fail to understand that prosperity flows as we give to others. When we freely give, it will be given back to us, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over (Luke 6:38). Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself. Before you know it, the blessings will begin flowing upon you and upon those around you. It may not seem logical, but it is God’s Word; and it works!

In the 1950s, “Customer Service” was not even a thing. It was part of the fabric of the way everyone did business, but no one talked or wrote about it. It meant a hardware or grocery store clerk carrying your bag of purchases to your car. It meant the milkman delivering dairy products right to your door. It meant receiving a hand-written ‘thank you’ note from the local family department store for your purchase of a poodle skirt for the big dance.

Sometime after this, service changed and got a little fuzzy, as we focused on other priorities – we paid attention to civil rights, and international conflicts, and equal treatment at work and at home. Businesses just tried to survive, and as the more traditional fabric frayed, service became more hurried and less personal.

Customer Service came roaring back in the 1980s and 1990s, and with it came CRM – Customer Relationship Management. Paper clienteling journals (records of customers’ purchases, preferences, and personal information) started moving online. Trends were tracked. Segmentation was employed and exploited. It was all about “surprising and delighting”, and both the companies and the customers benefited, for a time. It should be noted, however, that this was a milestone in the journey of the loss of privacy.

Over time, it became harder and harder to surprise and delight… companies calculated that this cost more than they had planned for. Customers realized their standards and expectations had increased, and they became jaded and disillusioned, as companies were unable to support these expectations. Fortunately, along came the Customer Experience, and ‘wow’ was reintroduced. In this new era, it was no longer enough to provide complimentary wrapping for that special jewelry purchase, or to know that your best customer’s dog’s name was Fluffy Magoo. Providing a great customer experience meant that the complimentary wrapping paper had Fluffy’s photo imprinted on it. It meant that whether the customer shopped in-store, on their laptop, or from their smartphone, Fluffy’s Wishlist was accessible. It meant that a purchase from this Wishlist would result in a 5% donation to the local animal shelter, by the company. The stakes were ever higher, and new ways to reach and impact the customer were both innovative and thrilling, and again, costly. It is human nature to tire of the same. It is human nature to want something new. We wonder what is better, what is different, and what is next.

So while the Customer Experience is still going strong, there will inevitably be a ‘next’, and companies will want to be there to welcome the future customer. What is this ‘next’?

To set the scene, let’s talk about Social Influencers. In the mid-1980s, the Social Influencers in my high school were two young women – let’s call them Annie and June, whom could not have been more different from each other, but were equally revered and observed for their style sense and conduct. Annie was from a wealthy family, and was known for her blond hair that always looked perfect from visits to a real salon (most of us went to the mall SuperCuts to take our chances), and for having every color (14!) of Izod Lacoste (now known as Lacoste) alligator polo shirt that she had acquired from a larger city (our small town only carried two colors at the local Bon-Ton). She was preppy, and managed to pull off the “pink and green” color scheme that was so popular, without looking tacky. She was always smiling, never swore, had a million friends (today’s “squad”), and was liked by all her teachers. She was the Taylor Swift of her day, and what I would call an “Active” influencer. June, on the other hand, wore the same pair of faded Levi’s every day (but fit her as Brooke’s Calvins did), had frizzy, unruly hair, rarely wore makeup, and had a stance that reminded one of James Dean (June Dean?). She was super-smart, a bit aloof, and a little unpredictable. I think people, including her teachers, were a bit afraid of her. She was uber-cool without even trying. She was the Nasty Gal Sophia Amoruso of her day. She was a “passive” influencer, as she never talked about herself, her clothes, or her friends.

I admired them both, and still wear Levi’s at the age of 51 (have both old and faded, and new and darkly crisp). And, I own both a white, and a lime green Izod shirt folded neatly in my closet, which served me well this summer. Annie and June, all these years later, you still have influence.

Why are Social Influencers important, and what do they have to do with the next wave which follows Customer Service and Customer Experience?

This next wave is what I call Consumer Fusion. Why ‘Consumer’, and not ‘Customer’? Customer implies a purchase, an exchange of money for goods or services. Consumer is broader – you can consume something (a free play in Central Park, a sunset at the Cape May beach), without expressly paying for it, and without realizing in some cases, what brand or company or institution you have to thank for the consumption. You need (or want) the brand entity, and the brand entity needs and wants you. The symbiosis, especially if recognized and measured, will lead to a deeper understanding of the cause and effect of actions, both large and small, on the health and profits and perception of the brand or company. Entities whom can capitalize on this fusion appropriately will benefit.

There would be a “Fusion Score” – the number resulting from the measurement of the symbiotic relationship between a customer (Consumer) and a brand – in a sense the “health perception” of the relationship. Did the brand host an open-air concert for teenagers, and three days later, see an uptick in sales? Did a pop artist performing at that concert wear that same brand’s one-shoulder glitter sweater, and gain another 100,000 Twitter followers? Their Fusion Score goes up 3 points. Does this artist one week later, while wearing the same glitter sweater, tip poorly at the hottest restaurant in Hollywood, because she had a bad-tasting salmon dish (and Tweet about it)? Their joint Fusion Score goes down, because although the restaurant is to blame for the lousy fish dish, the pop artist blamed the waitstaff, when it was the kitchen’s fault, resulting in the artist seeming petty. Their Fusion Score just dropped 8 points, and so did the Fusion Score for the artist with the sweater brand.

You may be thinking… what does this have to do with me, or the average person? We are not pop stars, or makeup bloggers with a million followers… why should I care? Well, just as Annie and June, ordinary young women from a small town, can be influencers (even 35 years later), so can you. And, it is important to realize that you can be active or passive, and still be an influencer. You can be an extrovert, or an introvert. You can shop wholly and invisibly online, or be very visible at your local malls and boutiques, in person. You can be a party animal or a poetry-reading participant.

Companies and entities still need to care about their brand perception with everyone, not just with the Taylors and Sophias. You matter. You have the power to shape what those brands invest in, create their products from, give their charitable contributions to, and pay their employees. You vote with your feet, your wallet, and your voice. The brand can shape your image, your perceptions, and your well-being, and in turn you do the same for it. Fusion. The future… not just FOR the customer, but WITH the consumer.

There are still many countries, especially those that are still developing, that still uphold a lot of traditional values, especially those that relate to family. In some of these nations, the women enjoy equal rights and opportunities as the men, mostly due to the unavoidable influences of first-world nations; however, it is common for a chauvinistic mentality to still persist within the society, especially in very poor families with no or very little education, or even in middle- and upper-class families that are extremely religious.

Chinese civilization has been around for millennia and many of modern-day China’s traditions and beliefs have survived this great country’s countless leaders, the wars it has fought, revolutions from within, and many other turning points in its history. For most of Chinese history, the women have always held a low status in society. Their roles in the family were only limited to being an obedient daughter, a submissive wife, and a devoted mother, and they only served the purposes of producing sons and serving their family. They literally did not have a say about their own life and lived it only according to how the males in their life wish it.

It was only during the early part of the 20th century when the status of women in society was elevated and their quality of life slowly improved. In recent years, modern women of China have made even bigger leaps, pursuing much higher levels of education and greater career ambitions. They are no longer mere subjects in a male-dominated household. Sadly, however, they still deal with the challenges of living in a male-dominated society.

These brave and determined women who have chosen to put their desires first, instead of settling down as soon as they reached marriageable age and becoming full-time wives and mothers, pay a price for their ambitions by being considered undesirable marriage partners. While women of China have undergone significant changes in attitude and behavior, the men have remained mostly the same, especially when it comes to how they see and treat women.

In China, one’s “face” or reputation is extremely important, especially among the men. Men looking for a life partner would only choose women who are demure, yielding, and with less education and success than they have. If the woman is working, she would be expected to quit her job so she could devote all her time and effort to meeting the needs of her husband and caring for her family. Having a partner who has achieved more than the husband has is unacceptable.

With the number of independent, intelligent, and career-oriented women, making a lot of money to boot, increasing in recent years, the number of single, Chinese women who are considered “not suitable” for marriage is also growing. Fortunately for them, the Chinese online dating scene opens up a lot of doors for them to explore and find a life partner. They may not be desired by men in their own culture, but these women possess traits that many western men find highly desirable.

It is still sad to think, however, that modern Chinese society still does not appreciate its own daughters, even after they have proven that they can hold up their half of the sky. It is even sadder that this society chooses to discourage and even punish its daughters for wanting and achieving higher goals and status in life. While for most of Chinese history, it is the great male leaders and thinkers that made possible its many periods of renown and glory and brought the country its many victories and to its present status as a world superpower, these men were still borne and nurtured by their mothers and served by their wives and daughters – women of China who were great in their own right, for sacrificing their own needs and putting their fathers, husbands, and sons first.

They say before you can expect others to appreciate and love you, you must first appreciate and love yourself. The modern and successful women of China are only beginning to do this and perhaps, in time, their society and the men in it will finally appreciate their real worth and give them the fair treatment that they have earned and deserve.

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be, your identity is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.” James Allen from “As A Man Thinketh”

This is part 1 of a 3 part series examining how we are in control of our lives and how we can teach ourselves and will ourselves to get what we want out of life. In this first article, I will examine the law of attraction and how it affects our lives, how the energy that we exhibit attracts like positive or negative energies.

Many individuals wonder how others have been able to advance successfully in their lives and careers while they cannot achieve the same success in their own lives no matter how hard they try. Why is that? Your success depends on your attitude towards life along with the energy you put into it, which the law of attraction gladly reciprocates. Simply said, these individuals gravitate towards what they focus upon, generally producing more of the same results as the past because “like attracts like.” They are directly or indirectly responsible for everything that happens to them. You get out of life exactly what you put into it, no more or no less. If these individuals would take a long, hard look at their lives, they would see how they have attracted marvelous things along with those unfavorable things. They have been thinking and projecting energies on a daily basis. These energies attract like energies and results, they have ramifications. The way a person thinks will determine what he will be and where he will be at tomorrow. This law of attraction applies to all aspects of everyone’s lives.

Then there are those individuals that are quite satisfied with just shuffling along through life, filling in some niches along the way, accepting whatever fate has bestowed upon them. As a result of this mind-set, they very rarely make any physical or mental effort to differentiate themselves from being a creature led by destiny, like a puppet on a string waiting to be made to dance. They are not dreamers or doers. They lack the desire to exalt themselves above and beyond their state in order to make changes, to improve their situation or move forward, so their world remains small. To a degree, unless that person changes his or her area of thinking, they will always be confined to a small world. Desire is the driving force that motivates one to achieve the attainment or possession of something that is within reach. This is the key element that will transform a dreamer into a doer, which will eventually lead them to that sought after place in life that they’ve always desired. Desire is the achieving motivation that gives power of all human action, and without it, one cannot go far.

As the oppressive clouds of the current economic climate hovers over us, many people are choked by a daily state of anxiety and panic. Since money is becoming scarce and credit is much harder to come by, the uncertainty of our economy makes it extremely hard for many dreamers to become doers. This is especially true when people are struggling with supporting themselves and their families, with inflation, or after having joined the swollen ranks of the unemployed. All this has caused tension and sleepless nights for many, causing them to stay in a negative and fearful frame of mind. Although some people hope for the best, they still really expect the worst. Of course, the worst always happens to them eventually, since it is the strongest belief that governs their mind. By permitting unfavorable vibrations and energies to invade and control their sub-consciousness, they are preventing themselves from hearing, seeing or experiencing anything positive which might provide a solution to their problems.

I believe that each person has a distinctive purpose in life and that there is a special place reserved for them that is ready to be carved out. Since two individuals cannot occupy the same spot at the same time, only one person will be able to fill that space perfectly. This area is called a “niche” which is defined as a “suitable place for somebody, a position or activity that particularly suits somebody’s talents and personality.”

For some people finding a niche can be an effortless task, claiming a safe haven where it is much easier for them to believe than to disbelieve. For others it is downright elusive. So why is that? Let me give you a couple of examples where certain challenges can hinder a person from finding and claiming that elusive niche, a niche that they have been breathlessly chasing after all these years.

The Elusive Niche: Catch Me If You Can

In order to find your niche, you need to have definiteness of purpose and be decisive in the direction you choose. This can be determined by asking yourself two questions: “What is it that I want,” and “Where am I going?” These two questions will give you the motivation you need to analyze yourself in an honest way. You need to reach into the depths of your mind and heart to discover what dreams or goals you really want to achieve. Find what you are passionate about, and make a plan from there.

In the process of analyzing yourself, it would be best to write down all of the strengths of your personality and all of the things you excel at. Then take a look at all your weaknesses as well. These weaknesses stand between you and noteworthy achievement. List them one by one, focusing on areas that need improvement. In part 2 of this 3 part series I will list a few common weaknesses that affect many who remain as dreamers instead of achievers.

Why should I pay $25 to $400 for folding knife you ask? I can find one that looks just like the name brand one I want but for $8.95 at the swap meet or on the internet?

The answer is the same for all things: You get what you pay for. Secondly, if all you want is a knife for opening letters, packaged food products or to look cool on your desk, a cheap might do just fine. However, if you actually intend to use the knife as a utility tool, I strongly advise you to avoid buying a cheap knock off knife because it will break very easily, and the steel is often brittle or has a very low Rockwell hardness rating. Sharpening is also more difficult and the blade will not hold a sharp edge very long.

Another point to consider is the reliability factor. If you bought the knife for the wilderness, self defense or as an emergency tool, you want to have confidence in the strength of the locking mechanism, blade steel and general integrity of the construction. You do not want the knife blade snapping in half or popping right off the handles because of some minor lateral pressure if the blade gets stuck in some wood or other matter.

I had a few of these cheap knock off knives and they are junk. They are weakly made with poor quality steels. I go to gun shows a lot and frequently see a table full of knives advertised as “Any Knife $5 or $10”. The knives’ look as if the vendor simply dumped them out of a cardboard box. They are scratched up and the parts do not go together well there are gaps between parts that should be a tight fit. There is a reason the knife is only $5 or $10.

Think about this….. the knife was made in some foreign country then shipped over to a warehouse in the U.S. where some distributor bought them and sold them to retail knife vendors. Factor in the cost of materials, construction costs, shipping costs, warehouse costs, distributor costs and finally the retail markup and your $10 or $15 dollar knife actually has about $2 in material and construction value in it. So……. When you buy the $5, $10 or $15 knife remember that when you get into trouble you are only willing to spend about $2 to safely get out if it. Just something to think about.

I know the temptation is great to not spend a lot of money, but you do not really have to spend a lot of money to get a quality knife. Cynscorion Products offers a large selection of basic black two to three inch blade tactical folding knives that can be purchased from Cold Steel or CRKT for example for as little as $29 to $45. You do not have to spend $100 to $300 for the status symbol upper end semi custom designer folding knives. Some of the best knife values can be found in the Cold Steel Voyager or Gunsite series and the CRKT M-16 series. These are very strong, high quality and popular folding knives. I own several myself. My favorite carry knives are the CRKT M-1 and M-16.

Sheaths are another area to be aware of. Some fixed blade manufacturers sell knives with sheaths as a complete package. Some unscrupulous sellers may separate the knife from the sheath and then charge extra for the sheath. Check the manufacturer’s web site or call them and ask about the knife you are interested in. Does it come with any accessories? Cheap sheaths can also be dangerous. Look out for fabric sheaths without a protective lining. Think about this. Do you really want shoving a sharp knife into an unprotected fabric holder strapped to your waist or thigh? Try to get a good Kydex or similar material sheath.

The quality manufactures also warranty their knives’ against defects and will usually replace their knives very quickly when mailed in. Try returning your cheap Chinese made swap meet knife after it breaks.

Tests have been done on these cheap knives to see how much lateral and downward force is necessary to break the blade or lock. These knives always break with surprisingly little force. Remember, ……they were made to LOOK like the real thing, ……NOT WORK LIKE OR LAST LIKE the real name brand knife. Just like a knock off Rolex or Montblanc pen, the point is to LOOK like the original, and thats what you are only paying for ….. Looks. And some knock offs can’t even look that good.

You also need to be aware of some sellers trying to pass off cheap knock off knives as the real thing. If you are shopping for a quality knife and come across a potentially great deal slow down and look at the details. Check the following:

1. If you can, go to the manufactures web site of the knife you are interested in and down load all of the information on the specific knife. Check the specifications for construction materials, length, width, weight, colors, and blade types and down load any pictures of the blade and the point where the blade meets the handle. Study the information and take it with you when you shop to compare them to the physical knife.

2. Look the knife itself very closely. How closely depends on good a deal the seller is offering. Read the writing on the blade. Look for mis-spellings, inconsistent type face, and quality of imprinting. Look for blade steel type and county of manufacture. Compare the knife to your downloaded pictures and information.

3. Next check the box and instruction/owners booklet that comes with the knife. All the name brand manufactures provide a booklet on their warranty maintenance and safety. If the seller says there is no box or instruction booklet start to wonder and look very closely at the knife. Also is the knife being sold as new or used? A used knife may not come with the box or instruction manual.

4. Internet sales of cheap knives is to be avoided at all costs. You cannot physically hold the knife. The seller may provide out of focus pictures, or not completely describe the knife. Then there is the old, “I don’t know much about these. I am just selling it for a friend” excuse. Also look for the following phrases: “Cold Steel like” “CRKT like”, “CRKT style”, “SOG Style” or similar phrases. A knife is either a Cold Steel knife or not.

5. Lastly, listen to you inner voice. Do you feel uneasy or confident that the knife is genuine? And if you are in a store always get a written receipt that specifically identifies the knife name and model and find out the return policy.

Nothing is for sure. But buying a knife that generally sells for $49 dollars for $25 dollars should be a warning sign that something is potentially fishy.

Now back to the title of our story. Guess what happens after your cheap knock off knife breaks? Hopefully not after you get back from the hospital after the lock fails and cuts your fingers. You buy another knife! If the knife was only cheaply made then you could buy a dozen and throw them away when they break, but then your spending the same or more money for a quality knife and you do not need to worry about your fingers not mention that there is also a manufacturer who will replace you knife if it breaks and you did not abuse it.

Oh yes, please do not use you knife as a pry bar; it is a cutting tool not a screwdriver, pry bar, or hammer. That’s how almost all knives break and the manufacturers know it.

Buy a Multi-Tool if you need a knife/screwdriver/mini pry bar/pier tool.

So….. the moral of the story is you can’t buy a Ferrari for the price of a Chevy Cavalier or a Rolex or for $40. That isn’t reality. So do not expect to buy a good quality 2 or 3 inch folding knife for $16.

Introduction

Now that I have explained why you should not buy a cheap knock off knife it’s time to give you a little information on buying a quality knife.

Whether you are buying your first quality folding knife or your 20th knife, it is an exciting experience but one also not an easy one. With the number of knives out there, its hard to know which one to select. I hope this brief discussion helps you.

Quality knives whether Tactical Folders or Fixed Blade combat / hunting knives can be expensive and you can quickly spend a lot of money. Whether you intend to just buy one or more knives you need to think through your knife purchase. Some people buy an every day knives, a dress knife, a go to the shooting range knife, a hunting knife and then just some more knives because they looked cool. This is fine as long as you can afford it. You need to decide if you are just going to buy one or two general purpose knives or start a collection and think about how you build that collection.

Before you decide to buy a knife or begin a collection think about what you will use the knife(s) for, and how any particular knife will fit into a larger collection. I am not telling you to not buy multiple knives, just to buy wisely so that you minimize the number of knives you will throw in a drawer to gather dust or give away.

When I initially became interested in knives, I started down this road, but fortunately caught myself before I got too far and started to ask myself why do I need this knife? I usually answered myself with….because it’s better than the last knife or it does “whatever” better then the last one. I soon realized that the knives I bought in the past were for the wrong reasons. I just bought them because they were in front of me and looked good. So…..Where is this going?

Before you decide to buy a knife or begin a collection think about what you will use the knife(s) for, and how any particular knife will fit into a larger collection. I am not telling you not to buy multiple knives, just to buy wisely to minimize the number of knives you will throw in a drawer to gather dust.

Key Knife Features to Consider

Quality:

Buy the best quality you can. (duh!) All of the knives I sell are from high quality manufacturers. They are knives I would buy and own myself. In fact, I do own a few from some of these brands and will probably buy some more. So if you select a knife I sell you will at least buy a quality knife and take care of point one.

Fixed or Folding blade:

First determine the intended use of the knife. A knife for hunting, survival or the wilderness will most likely be best served by a 6 or 7 inch fixed blade knife. The way I look at it, large fixed blades are for hunting, fishing, soldiering and Bear hunting. They are meant for outdoor use in the wilderness, or mountains or for fighting and survival situations. Anyway, they are also typically impractical to carry around the house or in the City or suburbs in your pocket or attached to your belt. At best, other people will think of you as a nut case playing Rambo, at worst they will call the police. Large mean looking knives and a suburban setting do not mix. Moreover, these large bladed knives are typically illegal to carry concealed or in the open.

Folding blade knives are a much more practical knife to carry and use. Folding knives can be carried in a typical pants pocket without sagging or clipped inside the pants waist band, inside a purse or personal calendar. They are light weight and most of the time under the maximum legal blade length limit of the local government.

Important Point Here! Check with your local police either in person or check the local municipal codes online to find out what the maximum legal blade length is for your area. Almost always it’s less than 3.5 inches and could be as low as 2 inches. Get caught with a knife over the legal limit and it’s a concealed weapon.

Handles

Folding knives have made incredible gains in construction and design over the last few years. Locking mechanisms reflect the biggest gains in my opinion. Blade styles, handle materials and shapes are nice but do they really improve the knife?? Does a G-10 plastic handle versus a Micarta or Kydex handle really improve the cutting of the Knife? I believe that knife handle material is a mainly a matter preference, but does not create a measurable benefit to the knife or its cutting abilities.

Two of the latest materials Titanium and Kevlar bring a smile to my face. Think about it. Titanium. It’s lighter and stronger than steel and was originally developed for aircraft engine parts to withstand the extreme stress and heat of a jet engine. This material on a folding knife handle makes the knife better,…… how????? For the extreme cost of titanium versus saving an once of weight, I can’t see the benefit over say Aluminum.

Kevlar is used for bullet resistant vests but now it is being used for knife handles. Why I am still trying figure out. Question? What do you plan on doing with a Kevlar knife handle? Do you plan on deflecting a barrage of 15 bullets with your handy dandy bullet resistant knife?

When I choose a knife handle material I look for a material that does not slip when wet, does not chip or crack easily and is durable. Aluminum and any of the current wonder plastics are light weight and strong enough for my knife handle material needs and far cheaper to buy then Titanium or Kevlar. Wood has been the historic knife handle material as well as bone or stag. In fact over the centuries just about every material has been used for knife handles. Anyway I am limiting my discussion to the most likely materials you are likely to find on the modern tactical folding knife.

Just pick the handle design and material that appeals to you. A knife is a very personal choice.

Blades

Folding knife blades come in various styles and shapes and every designer/manufacturer wants you to think that theirs is the best. Well, I think that they are all equally good just of different design. Some may have benefits over others for specialized situations, but for general use I do not think a Clip Point, Tanto Point, Drop Point or modified whatever really is going to significantly matter functionally. Pick the blade style that appeals to you.

I believe it’s all a matter of design preference and a need for manufacturers to come out with something new each year.

Steels

I think the two biggest points to consider (pun intended) are steel and edge type.

These two features directly affect the cutting ability, edge holding ability and sharpening of the knife. Think about it. The purpose of the knife is to stay sharp and cut. Everything else is secondary or aesthetics. Important sure, but secondary. So……

First pick a quality steel that is rust resistant, holds an edge well and is easy to sharpen. There are numerous steels out there being used on knives right now, and some are junk. If you’re not sure of the knife’s steel type, ask.

Look for blade steel type and how prominently it’s mentioned in an advertisement. A knife from a quality manufacturer like Cold Steel, CRKT, or Benchmade will tell you the steel they use. The cheap knife makers or commerative knives just say stainless steel. Also 440 A and B are very different and of very low quality then 440-C steel. Ask to be sure it’s at least 440-C.

Many people have their own opinions on which knife steel is the best. Just like which truck, beer, or whatever is the best. I like 440-C, AUS-6, AUS-8, 154CM, ATS 34 and S30V. There are other equally good steel alloys out there some which I list in my information pages. All have various pluses and minus on edge holding ability, ease of sharpening and cost. I am not a steel aficionado, I am just attempting to provide some basic information and keep it simple. For more information on knife steels go to http://www.Cynscorion.com/informationdirectory.htm .

Plain or Serrated

What type of knife edge do you get? Good question. You have a choice of plain edge (What most people think of as a knife edge), fully serrated or partially serrated.

What’s it gonna be? Decisions, decisions.

1. Plain edge knives give nice smooth clean cuts, they are the easiest edge to sharpen and do not get caught on fibrous materials. However, they require a little more effort cut fibrous materials.

2. Serrated knives have been around for a long time but most people are still unaccustomed to them. Serrations can best be described as knife teeth. They typically consist of alternating concave large and small teeth to provide a small smooth cutting surface and ripping points. Fully serrated are great for cutting through fibrous materials such as car seat belts and other hard materials like wood twigs. This is because they basically rip through the material they are cutting. But they have some trouble on cutting small rope or string like materials then a plain edge knife because the rope or string rolls in the serration rather then across it. It will cut, but you need to work it a little better then a plain edge knife.

Serrated knives are also typically more difficult to sharpen without filing down the serrations. It takes practice and a special sharpening tool designed for serrations. There are lots of different serration styles out there so look at them all and decide what may be the best for you if you want a serrated knife.

3. Partially serrated knives are the most popular style because they are a good compromise between the plain and serrated edges. The serrations are still harder to sharpen then the plain edge but there are less of them to sharpen.

None of the three styles above are the worst or best designs. They are different designs each intended for specialized tasks. Before you buy a knife you need to ask yourself what cutting tasks you will most likely face and buy accordingly. You can also buy two of the same knife in different blade styles if you like the knife and have the money.

Opening Device

Back in the days when people referred to tactical folding knives as jack knives, the opening system was both simple and reliable. It consisted of an indentation at the top of the blade (where most knives now place a thumb stud) and your finger nail. To open the knife insert your finger nail into the indentation and pull the blade partially out. Then grab the blade with your thumb and index finger to fully open the knife. This system worked for many decades until the 1980’s. This system although reliable was slow.

When the jack knife became the Tactical Folder a new improved system was developed to quickly flick the knife open. The new device was the cut out and thumb stud. Both work on the same principle. The blade cut out style typical of Spyderco allowed the user to place the base or pad of his thumb in the opening and with a rotating pressure swing out the blade in one continuous motion. The other most common new style opening device is the thumb stud.

This is a small quarter inch metal protrusion at the top or spine of the blade that projects at a 90 degree angle from the blade. The user places thumb over the stud and with a single rotating pressure swing out the blade in one continuous motion. Cold Steel uses the thumb stud style of blade opener.

Two new styles of blade opening systems have recently come on the market by Kershaw and CRKT. Certain Kershaw knife models (Chive, Scallion, and Leek) come with a trademarked “Speed Assist” method of knife opening. It consists of a small metal protrusion on the top spine of the blade that serves two proposes. When closed it serves as the activation for the speed assist system which is a small metal spring that powers the blade open once you push on the metal protrusion. The spring will not open the knife without a good finger push.

Columbia River Knife and Tool Company placed on certain models (M Series) similar metal protrusion except there is no spring assist. It called the “Carson Flipper” It works in a similar fashion but requires a stronger finger action and a little wrist motion. The total movement is very minor. The Knife opens very smoothly and quickly. I have one myself and am completely satisfied and confident with it.

Look at all the different opening mechanisms and choose the one you like the best. Some people prefer the Spyderco system while other swear by the thumb stud or flipper style protrusions.

Conclusion

To stay in business knife manufacturers need to come out with new knife designs yearly (New and Improved).

The problem is that knives have been around for thousands of years. So there is very little that is really new out there. A knife is a low tech tool. So when you review the various designs ask your self is this new handle design, material or blade style really going to improve what I want to do with the knife. Don’t get caught up in this year’s shiny new model.

Now after you think about and you decide there is nothing wrong with the two or three knives you are thinking of considering, you then proceed to select one based which one looks and feels the best to you. Here is where the emotional connection comes in.

Knife collecting is fun but think before you buy. This way you do not end up having five or ten knives in a drawer gathering dust or on eBay selling for half the price you paid for them.

In the 1700s, there was a version of natural toothpaste made from a mixture of “dragon’s blood”, cinnamon, and a salt called burn alum. While advances in dental care over the ages have certainly brought about less pain and suffering and more bright smiles, today a combination of technology and tradition can form the foundation of a healthy, natural teeth and gum care regime.

Many traditional dental care practices are being revived in the form of natural, alternative, holistic oral care products. Meanwhile, the fluoride controversy continues to rage. Many health experts warn against using fluoride, citing links to bone and joint deterioration, bone cancer, damaged immune systems, and various neuropsychiatric disorders. Some countries actually prohibit the use of fluoride. For example, India does not allow toothpaste containing it to be sold for the use of young children. Nonetheless, many recommend that anyone preferring to use a natural toothpaste as part of a natural teeth and gum care system ensure the toothpaste has fluoride.

Overall, however, if the purpose of toothpaste is to clean teeth and to help maintain healthy teeth and gums, one doesn’t need to rely solely on commercial brands. In terms of natural ingredients, propolis, a natural product produced by the honey bee, has been successfully used in medicine as an anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial agent. Studies have supported the hypothesis that it may prove useful as a medicament to reduce resorption associated with traumatic injuries to the teeth.

Neem has also been shown to be a most effective gum disease treatment. In a German study of 70 patients with pyorrhea (inflammation of the gums and tooth sockets) of varying stages, after just five to ten treatments with a neem-based toothpaste and mouthwash, there was significant improvement. Scientists believe that antibacterial compounds and neem’s ability to improve the immune response in the gums and tissues of the mouth account for these results. For centuries, people in Africa, India, and nearby Muslim countries have improvised toothbrushes from torn off twigs referred to as “chew sticks.” They’re made from twigs of the Salvadore Persica tree, but white oak also seem to work. Tests have shown that these sticks contain natural antibiotics, fluoride, and other anti-cavity components.

In Norway, farmers chew on solid whey to prevent cavities, whiten teeth, and to prevent gum disease. Many Arabs, Native Americans, and South Asians rub their teeth with sage leaves to cleanse teeth and freshen breath. You can make your own peppermint natural toothpaste by combining one teaspoon of baking soda or powdered strawberry roots with two drops of peppermint oil and water to make a paste.

Instead of mouthwash to sweeten breath, chew on fresh parsley, anise seeds, or watercress, or use lavender water, a peppermint infusion, rosewater, or rosemary. For a toothache, apply a few drops of clove oil. You may not be able to perform your own root canal, but regularly performing a natural teeth and gum care regimen may save you many trips to the high-tech dentist’s office for more drastic remedies.

I think that I can safely speak for many separated wives when I say that we can feel quite abandoned during our separation. Even if our husband sat us down, gave us fair warning, and tried to make sure that we were taken care of during the break, it can still feel like you were abandoned. As bad as that is, though, not all wives have the luxury of a husband who warns them or tries to remain involved throughout the separation.

Some husbands are very “hands off” during the time apart – so much so that it almost seems as if he has fallen off the face of the earth. So when he changes his stance or suddenly becomes interested again, a wife can be resentful and can be unsure about what to do.

She might say: “I know that the word ‘abandoned’ is a strong one. And my husband gets furious when I use it because he denies that he ever abandoned me, but I’m not sure what else I am supposed to call it. Basically about three days before he actually moved out, he told me how unhappy he was. And he frankly never said that he was going to leave me. He just eluded to being unhappy. Then I come home from work and find a note that basically says he needs some time. No one actually said the word ‘separation,’ but that is certainly what it was. I would try to call and he wouldn’t be all that willing to talk to me. I had a health scare and he wasn’t there for me. I tried so many different things to get him to respond to me or to get him interested in me again and he pretty much rejected me. This went on for what seemed like such a long time. And finally, some friends and family members gave me tough love and told me that I was wasting my life waiting on him. So I stopped. Well, guess what? Then he decides he wants to be a husband again. To be honest, this really angered me and I told him that it was too late. But now he is literally chasing me. He calls. He comes by my work. He asks me what he has to do to get me back. The great irony is that I would have killed for this kind of behavior before. I would have done anything for it. But now it’s almost insulting. And I don’t understand it. Why would he abandon me and now be trying to win me back?”

Some Possible Theories: I am not a man. I am a woman and wife who has gone through something very similar. But I’ve spent a lot of time researching this and examining my own husband’s, so I can and will certainly share my theories. As a bit of background, I can’t say that I was abandoned. There was some warning beforehand and although my husband was not all that glad to hear from me during our separation and tended to avoid me, I am certain that if there had been a crisis or emergency, he would have been reachable and available. Like many, I eventually tired of waiting and I started to life my live. But I was always clear that I was still committed to my marriage. I just sort of set the waiting aside. Sure enough, he eventually became interested again.

Was I annoyed that it took so long? Yes, but I’ll share some reasons why it did. Ultimately I decided that maintaining my marriage was more important to me than keeping score or my wounded pride, but that is what it came down to for me. Everyone is different.

Why A Husband May Be Unavailable During The Separation And Then Suddenly Want You Back: This is going to sound awful, but sometimes a separated husband will tell you that once he is on his own, he finally feels that he can breathe again. I know that sounds really bad. And I don’t mean to imply that you kept him on too short a leash (I know that I didn’t.) It’s just that when your marriage is struggling, it can weigh on you. And so having some time to yourself to not carry that around can feel, well, freeing. As I’ve learned from my husband’s perspective, you want to be able to just rest easy and enjoy it for a bit. Which is why when your wife calls or tries to initiate contact, you shrug her off. You tell yourself that this will only be for a little while, but then more time goes by than you thought and now she’s mad at you – which makes you not want to call even more. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. So you tell yourself that you’ll just give it a little more time. Until one day you wake up and you realize how long it has been and you see how much you miss her. And then you begin to question exactly what you were thinking and you start to panic because you realize that you just potentially made the worst mistake of your life.

That panic is why you often see your husband trying gallantly to win you back. He knows that he’s waited too long. He knows that what he did was wrong. And he knows that you are angry and hurt. But he wants the marriage back anyway.

I’m not defending him. I know how difficult this can be. I know how you feel. I’m just trying to give you some insight on his thought process. I know that you worry that your friends and family will think that you are a pushover if you take him back. But only you can decide which course of action is right for you. Ultimately, you might decide that it’s better to move on. And you might decide to give him another chance. But don’t decide simply because of what someone else thinks because it is not their marriage.