The Bible has much to say about causing discord among people. Most is found in Proverbs. It can be causing strife, contentions, brawling, discord or divisions among people. Let us look at what causes these problems among groups of people and what we can do about it. This will work in any area of life.

1. In Proverbs 6:12-19 we have a description of a person who causes discord followed by seven things God hates. Verse 15 tells what happens to people who live this kind of a lifestyle.

2. We find in Proverbs 15:18a that “A wrathful man stirs up strife.”

3. In Proverbs 16:28a we are told “A froward man sows strife.”

4. Proverbs 22:10 says “Cast out the scorner, and contentions shall go out; yes, strife and reproach shall cease.”

5. Proverbs 26:20 tells us a “talebearer” causes strife.

6. Proverbs 28:25a says a proud-hearted person stirs up strife.

7. Proverbs 29:22a says an angry man stirs up strife.

So we can see a person who causes discord through strife and divisions has a spiritual problem. Such a person is a scorner, a talebearer, angry, proud, froward, wrathful, wicked, hateful spirited. This person is not happy if people are getting along. He/she is constantly causing people to fight with one another.

This goes on in all walks of life. You see it in community gatherings, churches, businesses, schools. There are some people who have a spirit of divisiveness that drives them to bring discord to people groups. Perhaps you have seen people like this. They are not happy when everything is running smoothly. If these people have a hidden agenda, they are bad news to the social order.

God wants us to have an orderly society. He wants this for us in all areas of our life. By nature we are sinful. We are selfish. Our carnal spirit is warring against God. God could have just destroyed the whole human race in the great Genesis flood. He saved one family of eight to repopulate the earth. It was not long before the human race was again rebelling against God at the tower of Babel. Right to this very hour most of the people on this planet are warring against God. This warring against God has brought chaos to many.

In Proverbs 6:19 we read two things God hates. It says, “A false witness that speaks lies, and he that sows discord among brethren.” In Luke 22:24 we find the disciples striving over who is going to be the greatest in God’s kingdom. Romans 13:13 tells us we are to walk “honestly.” We are not to walk in “rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.” 1 Corinthians 3:3 tells us that “envying, strife and division” is a sign we are carnal. Galatians 5:20 lists strife as one of the works of the flesh. In Philippians 2:3 we are exhorted to do nothing through “strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better then themselves.” In 1 Timothy 6:3-6 we are shown the reason strife is in the Christian fellowship and what to do about it. James tells us in James 3:14 that if we have “bitter envying and strife” in our “heart” we “should not lie against the truth.” Then he tells us in verse 16 that “where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”

There is a solution to all of this. When we have the peace of God in our hearts, the thing that caused us to be contentious is taken away. The only way this is going to happen is salvation from sin and sinning through the Lord Jesus Christ.

The ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) phone call… it’s one of the most critical points in a reconciliation. If you’re looking to find a way back together again, getting your ex to call you should be of your top priorities. By reestablishing contact with your ex-lover, you can gain valuable information on whether or not they want you back, if they’re ready to reconcile yet, or whether they’re calling for some other reason.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of a break up, chances are good you still want to date your ex girlfriend or boyfriend. You’ve probably tried the traditional methods for getting that person back: talking them out of the break up, writing down your feelings, calling or emailing them long letters that explain why you should still be together. It’s also just as likely that those things all failed, as well they should. They’re actually some of the worst moves you can make while trying to win back an ex.

By walking away from the break up and leaving your ex to his or her own thoughts, you’re allowing a lot of good things to happen. First, any anger or bitterness either of you have will dissipate. Second, you’re both getting some time to think about things from a much different perspective: one of being totally alone. Third and most important, each of you will get the chance to miss each other. And the longer you wait without contacting your ex, the stronger the feelings of curiosity and longing become.

And then it happens: the ex girlfriend (or boyfriend) phone call. “What do I say when my ex calls me?” – It’s a great question. But while what you say is extremely important, what you don’t say is equally so. And let’s not forget how you say things – another big factor in how well this phone call will go. You don’t be caught off guard by it, you want to learn what to say now so it’s fresh in your memory.

Things to avoid while on the phone with your ex:

* Being overly excited

* Displaying anger or bitterness

* Any show of desperation

* Talking about the break up

* Making demands or creating deadlines

* Interrogating your ex

* A confrontational tone

All of the above actions are relationship-killers… they’ll turn your ex around very quickly, or turn them completely off to dating you again. Your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend called because he or she was curious… they want to know where you are and why you’re not chasing them. There’s a chance they want to get back together, or at least explore the option. But there’s also the chance they’re not ready yet. You need to learn the signs and signals your ex will give off when he or she is ready to possibly reconcile. Being overly friendly, suggesting a meeting, asking about your current relationship status – these are all good signs, but there are many, many others.

So what should you say when your ex calls you? Something along the lines of this:

“Hey, wow, it’s great to hear from you! How’ve you been?”

Allow your ex to talk here, tell you why he or she called you, maybe fill some time with a little small talk before they get to the real reason they have you on the phone. Whatever reason your ex gives for calling? Don’t challenge them on it. Allow it to go right past you, and let your ex feel comfortable with the fact that they called.

If your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend asks about you, let them know you’re doing great. Be vague about what you’ve been doing, and don’t give specifics. If you spill everything out on the table, they might realize you’re still going to “be around” for a while and quickly lose interest. But if your ex is left wondering if you’ve moved on or met someone else… he or she will be nervous about that. They might ask more about it, or offer to meet up with you to talk some more. When your ex girlfriend or boyfriend calls you up on the phone, you want to always leave them wanting more. This will ensure another call, or better yet, lead to a reunion date.

After a few minutes of small talk (no more than 2 or 3) you want to get off the phone as quickly as possible. That’s when you say:

“Listen, I’m really sorry but I’ve got a million things going on right now. I have to run. Gimmie a call next week or something?”

Multiple things get accomplished with these three small lines. First, you’re generating interest because apparently you’re very busy. Your ex will wonder why you’re busy, and will also appreciate the fact that you stopped to talk to them – even for a little while.

Next, you were very vague about where you’re going. Your ex girlfriend or boyfriend will have a natural curiosity about exactly what you’re up to, but won’t be able to bring themselves to ask. Until they go back out with you, whatever you’re doing is really none of their business.

Another big thing: you just made your ex agree to call you again. This is huge, because it happened so fast your ex couldn’t even disagree with it! He or she probably just nodded or muttered a quick “yeah, okay”. Note how you didn’t offer to call them back – you asked them to call you. It’s a pretty slick move that puts the ball in their court, and puts you at an advantage when the phone rings again.

Finally, you dropped the words “next week” in there. As if you’re so busy for the rest of the week and don’t want to be bothered. This is a tremendous seed that will grow and grow in your ex’s mind over the next few days. Are you seeing someone else? Did you find another boy or girlfriend? These things will flash through your ex’s mind, because he or she will naturally assume you’ve got something pretty good going on. After all, you ditched their phone call to run out and do something else.

Know what happened during this phone call? You turned the tables and seized control of the situation. When your ex broke up with you, he or she assumed all of the power over what happened next. You just took a big chunk of that power back. Your ex’s head is spinning with questions and you look like you’re in complete control. It seems almost like you couldn’t care less whether or not your ex calls back next week, and that’s exactly how it should seem.

Never ask the question “What do I say when my ex calls me?” again. KNOW what to do. Assume control of your breakup and turn the whole thing around in just a few short sentences. By giving your ex his or her space, allowing them to miss you, and then letting your ex’s mind work overtime to figure out what’s going on in your world? You’ve just taken some giant steps toward getting back together with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

I met a brilliant woman who is accomplishing great things. She is working with our youth and really making a difference with them in their scholarly pursuits. I acknowledged her. She did not accept the acknowledgment. She minimized herself and her accomplishment. That was a moment. As a coach, I do not step over anything. That simple act, the act of her diminishing herself and what she is doing was a moment of opportunity for me to have her wake up to what she is doing.

I said “don’t diminish yourself. Simply allow yourself to get the acknowledgement. Even simply say thank you.” We went on to have a coaching conversation in which she told me that she was taught to be “humble.” (Humble is defined as showing a low estimate of one’s own importance.) I asked why. She could not say why, but simply that was the way she was raised. The impact of living as if being humble was the right way to be is lowered self-esteem, lower sense of fulfillment and accomplishment, lower income and often as a result, a decreased ability to really make the difference she was out to make. Before she left for the night, she said to me, “You changed my life tonight.” That was my intention and is always what I intend to do with my clients.

We, women, are waking up to how suppressed we have allowed ourselves to be. There is a culture change afoot. Every single day I read something that points out that if a man acted the way a woman was, he would not have been called difficult, or pushy, but would have been applauded for his leadership. I coach women leaders on this all of the time. And I do know it is not easy. When you push back against the status quo, you will upset some people. Human beings resist change. We like to be comfortable. We like the status quo. It is a strange phenomenon if you think about it. The world is constantly changing, yet, we find things that work the way we are comfortable and resist the heck out of anything changing. Otherwise, why would it have taken over 130 years from the start of the constitution to women having voting rights? Why is it that 52% of all professional level jobs are held by women and only 3% of Fortune 500 CEO’s are women? What will it take to alter that paradigm?

I believe it will take each and every woman to wake up to changing the status quo, challenge what we were taught when we were children. Some of it may work for you, but some of those lessons clearly do not have you own your own power and brilliance. Think, discover, and try out new ways of operating. I am not saying it will be easy, change never is. However, if we are going to make a difference, we, as women, have to be the ones to step up and speak up.

Give up being humble. Own your power. When someone acknowledges you, simply say “Thank you.”

So often we can find ourselves in a situation where we’re apprehensive about speaking up, tip-toeing nervously around people, not wanting to cause offence or be seen in a negative or unfavourable light.

The problem with this approach is that our words and body language may well be out of sync with each other, which then can cause confusion or uncertainty in our relationships. Our manner may be misconstrued as hostile, unfriendly or unclear. As much of our communication is done non-verbally it really is important to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Let’s consider some familiar situations.

– Apologies can include many elements. We may well have felt that a situation warranted something being said but afterwards have regretted our tone or the upset and rift that has since occurred. In most cases major disharmony will not be the intention and we’ve simply wanted to clear the air, so we may need to find an appropriate moment in which to apologise for the hurt and distress that’s been caused. There’s no desire to retract everything, especially if certain grievances needed to be voiced but, on reflection, it may be that our communications could have been handled more sensitively or at a more appropriate time.

– Do you hate to say no? We may be loathe to decline requests and say no but then find ourselves increasingly overwhelmed with things we don’t want to do. Or we may gradually realise that we’re taking on more and more tasks and responsibilities. What needs to happen in those instances?

Might it be that we need to find better ways of saying no, of learning to delegate or discretely removing ourselves from the equation? Before you find yourself automatically agreeing to everything stop and assess if you really want to be involved; do you want to do this, have you the time or inclination to take on yet another commitment or arrangement? Consider how you feel about it and, when relevant, find appropriately assertive ways to say no.

– Are you reluctant to say yes? Equally, we may be a little unsure or lacking in confidence and struggle to say yes to things that we suspect others are better at. Or we may speculate as to why we’re being included or invited. The problem with declining too many invitations is that we may eventually not be asked along. Find ways to feel more positive about yourself, maybe by having some counselling and hypnotherapy. Then select the things which appeal, those which you want to do, so you can really mean why you say and say what you mean.

– Do you find it hard to be honest and say what you mean or express how you feel? Doing this can at first require a little forethought about your choice of words, especially if you’re moving into unfamiliar vocal territory. If others are eloquent, better educated or nit-picky about the way things are said, if they regularly ascribe inferences and take offence when none was intended it can result in us becoming hesitant about expressing ourselves.

We can become fearful of being jumped upon or of having our words dissected and criticised. Practise what you want to say in advance, preferably running though a few alternative scenarios. Familiarise yourself with those different options; then you can become more confident and sure that you mean what you say.

– What about ‘white lies’? Should they receive some consideration? The ‘do I look okay?’ or pressure to appreciate someone’s efforts on our behalf may be a time when we need to consider the requirement to be polite and courteous rather than too blunt or honest. When we’re supportive, encouraging and acknowledging of someone’s efforts it may be more appropriate to offer appreciation, with a few generous words, so enabling their day to continue in a more upbeat way.

There may be opportunities to deliver subtle hints, like ‘I prefer you in the blue’ or ‘here, let me show you how to do this’, but saying what you mean can be tailored to allow you to be kind in a loyal, affectionate way.

– Choosing your words with care so that you’re genuine and open helps build good, solid relationships. There’s no hidden agenda or desire to manipulate, coerce or gain an unfair advantage by being devious or duplicitous.

Counselling and hypnotherapy offers effective ways of improving your self-worth and dealing with old, unwanted ways of thinking about yourself and healing automatic, reactive responses that no longer serve you well. Invest in yourself because you’re important. Then you’re in a better position to say what you mean and mean what you say.