If you are experiencing challenges in your marriage, then a good marriage therapist or counselor can be the best choice you make if you want to save it.
However, finding the therapist that could not do exactly what you expected him/ her to do to save your marriage could even help to drive you and your spouse farther apart, that is why you must be very careful to select the one that has the interest of your marriage at heart.
WHO IS A GOOD MARRIAGE THERAPIST?
A good marriage counselor or therapist can be described as someone who combines his/her education with experience in marital therapy.
They are expected to have good credentials and other relevant licenses or a certificate that is required by the local government authority.
It is not good to depend on or make a conclusion with one counselor, because even the well-qualified and experienced counselors may not be the best to fit your needs.
In that case, you have to schedule an individual and initial interview session, where you can have a little chat with him/ her, to get ideas on how this marriage counselor will work for your issues.
HOW TO FIND A GOOD MARRIAGE THERAPIST.
It is not always easy to get a very good marriage therapist. It requires a little work and some good searches from you. One of the ways you can start is by asking the people around you for a recommendation of anyone that has worked for them.
Though it may be embarrassing, I believe it will offer a good starting point for you. Always remember that you need a good, Fully qualified, experienced and educated person, that’s why you cannot do without their recommendations.
Find Locally: – You will need to choose a marriage therapist that stays very close to where you are; that will make it convenient for you to visit whenever you decide to.
Once you have made your choice, then you will start booking up interview session with them and at last, you will know more about them and what they have accomplished before.
Ask Questions:- Though it may seem a bit rude to ask questions it is at the same time inevitable since you are trying to find the person who can be the best in solving your marital issues. So go ahead and ask them questions like:
– What are your roles in helping us through the issues?
– Have you worked with couples of our age, situation, or background before?
– From what we have told you about our situation, what would be the next step?
You should try to interview at least three or more of the therapist if possible before making up your mind on which therapist to work with. You can as well change your mind at any time; if you feel you are not satisfied with your first choice.
Conclusion.
Be very careful when you are looking to choose any therapist to work with. It is better to spend much time searching for someone fit to help you solve your marital issues than making mistakes in your selection of therapist.
This article will help you know what steps to take for better results.

Verbal abuse proves that words can be a powerful weapon because they shoot the very soul. Consistent name-calling, harsh flare-ups and glaring insults form part of this subtle aggression that inflicts psychological violence. They destroy the confidence and threaten the life of the abused. It can exist in any relationship, even in marriage.

If you’ve suffered from this issue, you wonder if there is there still a way to fix your relationship. Fortunately, there is. Just read the suggestions below and find out how to overcome this serious trouble.

For the Abused

Accept and let go of the problem.

No problem can be resolved without accepting it has happened to you. If you keep denying you are in this situation, you will never get over it. Go through the pain and put a period on it. It may seem unmanageable but have the power to leave yesterday behind. Forgive your partner and start afresh.

Regain your self-esteem.

When you can’t defend yourself from the painful accusations and abusive jokes, you gradually lose self-esteem. To rebuild this, focus on your good side and be happy with your strengths. You can post a list of your positive traits on your room to remind yourself that you’re overflowing with goodness.

Stick with positive people.

Hang out with people who love you for who you are, like your family and best buddies. Joining support groups in your community is also another option. The members can offer emotional backup and practical advices on how to handle this issue with their experience as the main source.

For the Abuser

Be sorry.

Show sincerity when you tell your partner you regret the act of maltreatment you’ve committed. Promise not to repeat the habits in your marriage and keep it. Learn how to communicate your thoughts carefully and appropriately. Even rage can be expressed with the right words. If this is too difficult for you, seek professional help.

Pause before you answer back.

Because of your inability to think before speaking, you end up regretting the harsh lines you’ve blurted out. At the height of an emotion, you tend to say exaggerated wonderful compliments, impossible promises or stern feedbacks. Before making any statement, pausing for some seconds to reflect can sieve your words. Taking deep breaths or counting from one to ten might also help.

Stretch your patience.

Verbal abuse is triggered with an act that doesn’t please you. You get irritated with the act so easily that you yell nasty, hurtful and sarcastic things that put your spouse down. However, if you try to extend your patience and remember your partner deserves respect like any other person, you can prevent from verbally abusing her.

Marriage can still be fixed after a verbal abuse as long as you and your partner learn from the experience. Instilling in minds the cause and effects of the problem can be your guide to prevent it from happening again. If you acquire the willingness to put back the broken pieces, there will always be a room for reconciliation. The change may not happen right away as the healing process requires time. If you’re about to give up, just remember that this tough journey ends up with a strengthened relationship.

There have been a number of news articles online and a book or two published regarding “everyday sex”. In one experiment a couple decided to have sex everyday for a year and document there experience. Other couples have also tried similar experiments with hopes that it would solidify their marriage.

Well, what about everyday sex for a Christian marriage?

There are two different sides to this answer.

1. No, this is not a healthy aspect of Christian intimacy and should not be practiced. Now this viewpoint compares everyday sex with the examples above regarding the couple who wrote the book and other couples who have reported trying it. The reasons Christians should avoid this is because it is a “forced intimacy”. In other words, there are many couples who are just not physically or mentally comfortable with engaging in sexual intimacy every single day. Well, according to the everyday intimacy trend, the couples should force themselves to have sex with one another. Obviously one can see that this is not a Christian value and it should be avoided.
2. Yes, having sex everyday can be very healthy for a married Christian couple. This viewpoint can also be valid in the following context. Say both husband and wife are very sexually active. That is they both desire to practice this amazing gift as often as possible. Sex on a daily basis could very well work for this type of married Christian couple. It would not be a burden and would only add to their intimacy, and ultimately their marriage. Many times sexually active Christians find it difficult to have sex as often as they desire. What will happen is that once they get out of the groove as far as practicing intimacy, they find it difficult to get back into it, so much so that some couples become frustrated and end up not having sex at all! This happens more times than one would think, and many times it happens with the couples who have had enjoyable sex lives earlier in their marriage. So for these individuals, daily intimacy could be the solution for staying in that intimate groove that they need to be in to help maintain a healthy and intimate marriage.

Let’s remember that sex is a celebration and really should be practiced as often as possible, based on the comfort level of each married individual. Sometimes that may mean only once a month. Other times that could very well mean everyday. It all depends on the couple.

I often get emails from folks who tell me that they’re experiencing some disconnect in their marriage. Common phrases that might be used to describe this are things like: “I feel like we’re just going through the motions in our marriage;” or “I feel like we’re drifting apart;” or “I just don’t feel the same way about my spouse anymore;” or “the spark or chemistry is no longer there.”

Believe it or not, all of these feelings or perceptions stem from one thing and one thing alone – a lack of or a lessening intimacy. And I promise you, this can be fixed because this is often caused by a lack of effort or time. It may sound cliche to say that you get out of something what you put into it, but in the case of marriage, few statements are as true as this one. I’ll explain this more in the following article.

A Startling Contrast: Often when I tell people that the lack of intimacy that they are experiencing is most probably due to neglect, they’ll sigh and I’m often pretty sure that this isn’t what they wanted to hear. Because on some level, they already know this, but they thought or hoped that their problem was unique or could be resolved with a quick fix. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.

For just a second, stop for a minute and think about the two of you and your relationship when you were first dating. How much time would you say that you spent together then? How creative were you in finding things that the two of you could do that were fun and would bring you closer together? How willing were you to schedule around other obligations to spend more time with the person that you loved?

Now, how reluctant were you to show the person that you loved any flaws? How often did you put your best foot forward, careful to show them only the best, most agreeable, most fun loving, and most attractive version of yourself? How often did you do nice things for them to show them that you’d been paying careful attention and to show them that their happiness was important to you?

Few people can deny that they put in a lot more time and effort in the beginning. This is the point where you’re trying to reel your spouse in and to become an important person in their life. This is the point in time where you find that magic sweet spot where you see them enough to be intimate, but not enough that it ever seems like too much. In short, you leave both of you with wanting more.

Now, contrast this with how things are today? How often do you put in the time and effort so that when you are together, you do fun things or experience meaningful conversation that brings you closer together? If you can come up with a number (and few people can) try to contrast this with the number that could be compared when you were first dating. I know this is difficult. Few people have the perspective to actually be able to do this, but I’ll give you an example. Let’s say when you were dating, you spent roughly ten hours per week together bonding and creating intimacy. And, this time and effort made you feel like you were “deeply in love.” This was a wonderful feeling that you wanted more of, so it seemed to be not that great of a sacrifice to put other things on the back burner so that you had this kind of flexibility and pay off.

Now, let’s say that right now, because of children, jobs, and other obligations, you’re able to squeeze in say, two hours per week bonding and being alone with your spouse. That’s what, 1/5 of what you were spending before? And how “present” are you at that time? Because most of us just watch TV side by side with our spouse and hope that this counts for quality time. So, if we follow this logic, you’re spending 1/5 of the time that you used to spend with your spouse, but you’re expecting to feel 100% of the intimacy that you felt? And it’s also likely that you’re also only putting in 1/5 of the effort that you used to?

I know that this seems like a silly example, but stop and think about it for just a second. I don’t tell you this to make you feel at all guilty because you are the norm. Most people are having the exact same experience that you are having right now. We are all so busy with our jobs, our children, and trying to stay afloat in this awful economy that by the time that we can squeeze in a few hours of couple time, we’re too exhausted to give or to receive it in a meaningful and enthusiastic way. How can we change this? By changing our priorities.

Making Marital Intimacy And Closeness A High Priority: Hopefully, I’ve made very clear that it is my experience and that I firmly believe that there is a direct correlation between how much time you put into your marriage with how intimate you feel in it. You simply can not expect to feel the feelings if you are not sharing the experiences. Yet, we all let this slide under the rug. And, this is the first behavior that must change.

A close and fulfilling marriage is one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself and your children. It is your shelter against life’s turbulence and it is better than anything that money, status, or time can buy. So, you must put it at the top of your to do list. It may seem selfish. It may seem impossible at first. But, you must do it.

And sure, in the beginning, it may well seemed forced and awkward. There may be some silent pauses or some stumbles over your words. You may feel quite vulnerable and resent having to work so hard, but it gets so much easier in time and when the pay off begins to come (which it will) you will see that it is worth it and can continue on until you make it a habit. If you can do this, I guarantee that in a few months time, you will no longer be just going through the motions in your marriage.

I often hear from wives who are worried about their husband’s enthusiasm level when it comes to saving their marriage. Often, the husband will agree to go along and will agree to “try” to save the marriage, but he will make it very clear that he has his doubts. And the wife will often worry that his doubts mean that he won’t really cooperate fully. I heard from a wife who said: “a couple of months ago, my husband told me that he was going to move out because he didn’t think that there was really anything left of our marriage. He said that to him, the chemistry was gone and we were basically living as roommates. He said he still loved me as a person but that he wasn’t sure that he was still ‘in love’ with me. I told my husband that his love for me as a person was a start and that I felt confident that if he would just agree to work on our marriage, then we could turn this thing around. At first, he said that he would think about it and get back to me. For weeks, he didn’t say anything at all about this. I finally confronted him and asked if he would agree to work on our marriage. He sighed and said that he reluctantly would agree but he also said he had to be honest and tell me that he had serious doubts that this was going to work. He went so far as to say that he thought we were wasting our time. So where does this leave me? I almost feel like he’s not going to put much effort into saving our marriage so we may as well just give up.”

I certainly hoped that this wife would not give up. I know from experience that you don’t always need your husband cooperation for the entire time that you are trying to save your marriage. With a little skill and luck, you can often over come his doubts and eventually gain his cooperation and enthusiasm. I will discuss this more below.

Nothing Says You Can’t Proceed Despite His Doubts: I know that this can be difficult. It can feel as if you shouldn’t go forward without his blessing or his enthusiasm. But you actually can. And moving forward on your own is often the best way for you to remove his doubts. Try to remain as positive as you can. Because if you project your own doubts, your husband is going to pick up on this and his doubts might increase. You want to portray confidence. And you want to show him that this process isn’t as difficult (or as impossible) as he might think.

Now admittedly, you are going to need his cooperation if you want to seek joint counseling. But, nothing says that you can’t go alone at first. And, nothing says that you don’t have the ability to identify the issues on your own and then start whittling away at that without him needing to even know what you are doing. Because often, you already know what the major issues are. And there is usually plenty that you can do to begin to address this on your own. Sure, it is optimal if you work together. But if working together isn’t possible in the beginning, that is no reason to give up or to not try.

Know That If You Can Show Him Some Painless Improvements, He Will Often Willingly Join You: What is really unfortunate about this situation is that very often, the wife will become discouraged and will approach saving the marriage with dread. Her apprehension will be obvious and the husband will think something like “see, I was right. even she knows that it’s too little too late,” when this is the furthest thing from the truth. The wife is only reacting to his doubts, not her own. This is so unfortunate because if she had just moved forward with confidence anyway, she probably would have found him coming around eventually.

It is often easier to overcome your husband’s reservations than you might think. You have to understand how his mind is probably working right now. He likely doesn’t want to get his hopes up because often, you have already tried to make some changes and have failed. That is why you have to be very deliberate about how you approach this. You want to project confidence that not only will this not be overly difficult, but that it will work. You don’t want for your husband to think that he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and go through a wasteful process that is emotionally draining.

Instead, you want to show him that right at this moment, you have an opportunity to set it up so that you restore the intimacy and the fun in your marriage so that you are both happy. It is much easier to get him on board when he believes that the pay off is going to delight him and that getting from point a to point b isn’t going to be so difficult after all. Frankly, you are the one who can show him this. How you proceed right now can either confirm or change his reservations.

Trust is a necessary aspect to any relationship, and this lies at the heart of a strong relationship.

Here we discuss infidelity in marriage, and when caught in the act where surviving an affair is necessary or either deciding to begin moving on and leaving a relationship.

Once that trust has actually been abused, it will be very difficult to restore that into the relationship.

Let’s say that you have a struggling relationship and at some point you actually love your spouse or partner.

You have been caught having an affair by your wife or girlfriend, no matter how she caught you, she saw the messages from your mobile.

Let assume she heard you talking with the other, or saw you together, you have to deal with the situation if you really desire to save your relationship.

Infidelity in marriage causes extreme emotional discomfort, anger, shock, fear, guilt, shame; but recovering after an affair doesn’t have to indicate relationship healing can not occur.

Here are some beneficial tips that might assist you to save your relationship:

– End the affair

Of all you need to end your affair; if you decide to stay with your wife or significant other, you must end all interactions and communications with who you were caught cheating.

– Be sincere

Open communication with your partner is crucial. You already many told her many lies if you were caught in the act and she’s aware now that you have been unfaithful to her.

Now you need to confess; do not reject, because this will make things worse.

– Apologize from your heart

Even if you like it with the other, show your wife or significant other that you are sorry for the pain you caused her and guarantee that infidelity in marriage will never be the case again.

Promise that you will end the affair, and be open with her that you really love her and you do not want to lose her for a selfish and stupid mistake on your part.

– Speak with her openly

If she needs to know all the details, you’ve got to tell her even if she will be hurt, and let her vent the hurt and anger.

Previously I discussed healing the relationship and why divorce might not be the right option and that saving the marriage may be possible.

She will tell you how she feels soon, but you should understand her and listen while keeping in mind that it is your fault that she feels hurt and will have to begin surviving an affair.

– Recognize the issues

I mean recognize typically points to underlying issues in your relationship, and examine your relationship to bring forward exactly what has contributed to the affair.

Some individuals cheat because they aren’t getting their needs met inside their relationship, so if she asks you why you did it, don’t be harsh.

Just state the facts about what was going on with your own feelings, but in a concerned way over her feelings for dealing with infidelity.

– Be liable

If you are guilty of infidelity in marriage you must admit your wrongs and be responsible for your actions.

– Offer her some space

You both require a break from the emotional tension, and you ‘d be much better to discuss it deeper after she’s cooled down.

– Rebuild trust

Start with little opportunities to grow closer together, because overcoming infidelity interaction ends up being extremely strained.

If you do not interact you can never build and heal trust once again in your relationship.

– Determine your shared goals

Make sure that you both want to save your relationship and together begin recovering from an affair for a better future for the two of you.

– Go to a relationship counselor

Yes, you will need to get help dealing with your relationship issues, and marital therapy surely may help you to save your relationship.

– Set ground rules

Choose both some guidelines for the future in your relationship so that both feel secure and safe that infidelity in marriage will never occur again.

Sometimes after experiencing a circumstance like this, leaving the relationship occurs, but can sometimes be more powerful than ever before on bringing your love closer together.

If it happens that your wife doesn’t want to forgive you for what you did, and wish to end the relationship, you should respect her choice.

If you are in a relationship where infidelity in marriage has happened and your partner has actually cheated you might be questioning if a relationship after unfaithful is possible.

There actually is no set response to this concern, but there are many elements that will come into play.

(Please note I like to suggest searching the web for to help you aim to decide what is the very best option for you, your partner, and your relationship.)

To finding happiness and love!

Are you looking for tips to save a marriage because you’re feeling dead inside? A lot of people get to that point when they can’t remember the last time they felt happy in their marriage.

I was in the same boat actually. I got to a point when I was having such a troubled marriage that my self esteem was down the tubes, and basically I began feeling numb and stuck.

When my wife and I first got married we were full of life and so excited to just be together and then I guess reality sets in, and suddenly the excitement wears off somehow.

You’re just left with the empty feeling of monotony. And when there’s fighting and constant disagreeing on top of all of that it’s even more painful, leaving you feel more dead inside.

This happens a lot, and after we solved a great deal of our problems my wife admitted to have been feeling the same way too for years. And I thought I was so exciting, how could that have happened. LOL

I can laugh now, but I know that what you’re going through is no laughing matter. It hurts and it can lead to a spiritual spiral that sinks right into a deep depression if we’re not careful and don’t nip it in the butt! So off we go to look for tips to save a marriage that will get us out of all of this doom and gloom.

The thing that I found out quickly was this.

As being 50% of the marriage, sometimes we forget about our own half of what’s going on, and instead of working on ourselves, we try so hard to work on the marriage as a whole, or worse, on our spouse.

In other words, if you were to do the things that would change your end of the deal then the marriage would at least in your eyes, and from your perspective, be fifty percent better. That’s because that’s the part that you CAN control.

The other key to fixing a troubled marriage, where you feel dead inside is by making sure that you’re seeing a marriage through a paradigm that will serve you instead of drain you.

We often see a marriage from our own perception which isn’t how things really are, and usually are certainly not through the same perception of our spouse. That’s when confusion sets in, and assumption start flying, and it drags the marriage down with it like a sinking ship.

In other words, you ALONE can change your marriage by seeing the marriage in new ways (perception), and therefore changing yourself (or your 50%) of the marriage. This won’t lead to a perfect marriage because at this time you can’t control your spouses actions.

But ask yourself this… if you could improve your marriage by at least 50% this year would that be something that you’d be willing to work at. Most people would jump at that.

And of course I say by at least because in most cases…in my marriage as well…something happens where the other spouse begins to follow your lead and begin improving too when they see you improving yourself.

I hope that you’ll take these tips to save a marriage to heart because they represent exactly what changed my own marriage.

Now, I’m not a paranormal writer (at least, not yet) but you do have to wonder…

Look back 100 years – 1917

• Some marriages were still arranged
• Dating was done in groups or with a chaperone
• Receiving gifts was very much a part of the romance
• Virginity was more common until the wedding night
• Many women married in their teens, not finishing high school
• Women over 25 years old were considered spinsters
• It was romantic to cook a lovely meal with a candle lit table setting
• Kink was considered something very private, as well as the act of sex
• Sex was often times considered only for procreation
• Marriages lasted many years – divorce not being considered, even in the worse circumstances due to its stigma.

Looking at today – 2017

• Many couples meet via social media or internet dating sites
• Dating is rarely chaperoned
• Gifts are typically only given for special occasions
• Virginity is a rarity – many couples have sex by the third date, if not sooner
• Many women opt for high school and college graduation prior to considering marriage
• Many women wait until their 30’s and 40’s to marry the first time – waiting until their careers are established or hoping to find the right one later on when they’re more mature – avoiding divorce
• A romantic dinner out is preferred to avoid cleanup
• Kink is freely talked about in order to find a more suitable mate
• Sex is considered a must not an option – even without the need to procreate, thanks to advances in birth control
• It’s typical to find a mate who has been married multiple times due to divorce being a ready option for difficult relationships

Flash Forward 100 years – 2117

• Couple paring will be arranged for more equality in intellect
• Dating will be obsolete
• Gifts will be unnecessary
• Virginity will be in demand as to keep couple paring limited
• Advanced education for both parties will be the norm
• All will be pared by age 30
• Kink will again be private and underground
• Sex will be demanded for only procreation, all other options for sex will be private and underground
• Divorce will be obsolete

Of course, all this is my own personal option. What do you think romance and marriage will be like in 100 years? I’d love to hear your ideas.

I often hear from wives whose husbands are telling them that there is no longer any hope for the marriage. I recently heard from a woman who had been trying everything in her power to save her marriage. They had been to counseling. They had taken trips. They had “worked” on the marriage. And, while the wife felt that she had seen some improvements, the husband didn’t feel the same way. Basically, he’d told the wife that he felt there was “no hope” for the marriage. He told her he was going to seek a divorce soon and felt that they should go their separate ways.

The wife was having a hard time accepting that there was no hope for them. She felt very strongly that if her husband would just have an open mind and give the marriage a chance, there most certainly was hope. But, she couldn’t seem to convince him of this and she wasn’t sure what to do. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Your Husband Can’t Take Your Hope Away Without Your Permission: Obviously, the two spouses had a different view of the marriage and of the future. This happens sometimes. But, one person’s perceptions doesn’t always have to be the same as the other’s. And, sometimes, people’s perceptions are wrong and can change over time, especially if you are successful in showing them something that changes their mind.

That’s not to say that the husband wasn’t firm in his beliefs. But the two obviously had a different perception. And, the wife didn’t need to give hers up just because his was different. I have seen many marriages on the obvious brink of disaster turn around, even when both people had seemingly given up hope. So, his not having hope does not mean always that you have to surrender yours. This really is your choice because your perceptions are made up of your own feelings and decisions, not his.

Don’t Worry So Much About Defining Or Quantifying The Relationship All Of The Time. Just Focus On Making Improvements And Seeing Where That Leads: People often use their partner’s descriptions as sort of a gauge as to how things are going to turn out. Many people will hear the words “no hope” and immediately shut down or consider giving up. And, sometimes this makes sense if you keep trying the same things that do not work which then cause you pain. There’s nothing wrong with making the best decision for you or changing course.

But sometimes you can get so caught up in the definitions that you allow this to cause you to lose sight of what you want or to derail you from making improvements. I often tell me not to get so caught up in what people are saying every day or in “checking in” with how he feels during every instant in time. Things can and do change. It doesn’t make sense to hang on every word before something has definitely happened.

Sometimes, you are much better off if you just focus on small goals that allow you to feel a little personal hope. In other words, if you’re only trying to improve the give and take between you or to see even some small improvements in how you are interacting and feeling, this often feels much more doable than trying to change his mind or save your marriage over night.

You really can’t know what tomorrow will bring. But, even small strides really can provide the foundation for much bigger gains in the days, weeks, and months to come. Sometimes, slow and steady really does win the race. When it’s not completely obvious what you’re trying to do, you’re often met with much less resistance, which really can make all of the difference.

It’s Not Always Hope That Saves Marriages. It’s Gradual Action That Leads To New Perceptions: As counter intuitive as it might seem right now, you don’t always have to 100% believe that everything is going to work out flawlessly. Sometimes, you can take small steps and feel your way as you go, moving toward the places where you are seeing improvements and away from the places where you hit road blocks.

And, it’s not uncommon for husbands to start to come around when they are shown (rather than told) that things can actually change without an excruciating amount of work or sacrifice on their part. The key really is to begin to make small improvements that are sustainable but substantial enough to change the outcome. You likely know your marriage well enough to know where these efforts and changes are most needed.

So, while it would likely feel much better to you if you knew he had as much hope as he did, his perceptions don’t need to become your own. This husband hadn’t yet filed for divorce. There might possibly still be time. So, if you know in your heart that there’s still some actions you’ve yet to take, there’s nothing that says you can’t control your own actions and give new things a try. This may work and it may not, but at least you’ll know that you did everything you could and you weren’t driven by someone’s perceptions that weren’t your own.

I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure which direction they want to take their marriage. Often, on the one hand, they realize that things have gotten bad. They often wonder if things are so bad that nothing they say or do is going to make a difference. And a tiny part of them wonders if they are going to be happier remaining married or if things would be better if they would just let go. This is tough call, since you don’t know what to expect when you venture out on your own. Will you be lonely and less happy alone? Or will it be a relief to let go?

I recently heard from a wife who said: “for the last six months, I have been moving further and further away from my husband. Our marriage had been struggling for some time. I didn’t intend or consciously decide that we should start living separate lives. It just kind of happened. I started going out with my friends more. I became active on Facebook. I started staying late after work and socializing. And I’m finding that there is a part of me that is embracing my new life. However, the other day, my husband saw where someone had tagged a photo of me out with my friends on Facebook. My husband saw it and it really hurt him. He sat me down and asked me if I wanted out of our marriage. I didn’t know how to respond. My husband is very direct about wanting to save our marriage. But I am not sure if I feel the same. I can’t help but notice how much I am enjoying the little bit of freedom that I’ve begun to demand. But at the same time, every time I think about ending my marriage, I start to get flooded of memories of when we were happy. I miss those times. I still have loving feelings toward my husband sometimes. But when I think of saving my marriage, I think about the end of my new life and I am torn. So how do I know what I really feel? How do I know for sure if I want to save my marriage?”

I actually hear from a lot of people who have conflicting feelings about saving their marriages. Sometimes, these conflicting feelings are at least partly due to conceptions that they have about the process of saving their marriage (and these conceptions often turn out to be untrue.) Sometimes, these folks just aren’t sure if they will be happier in their marriage or more content alone. While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can give you some things to think about, which I will do below.

The Fact That You Have Having Some Conflicting Thoughts About Saving Your Marriage Can Be Important: I have to tell you that people who have ended their marriage in decisive and healthy ways generally do not have this type of indecision. For many people, it is completely obvious and clear that their marriage is over and that even though they did everything in their power to save it, they have now come to the end game. They typically are quite at peace with this decision because they know that they saw it through until there were no more paths to pursue.

Because there isn’t nearly as much confusion, there often isn’t much anger, jealousy, or sadness either. It’s a pretty cut and dried process when you’re sure that your marriage has come to a natural end.

But, if you have not yet reached this point, then perhaps you want to ask yourself why. Do you still have loving feelings for your spouse that you just can’t turn off? Do you worry that you didn’t yet try everything that you could to save it including counseling, or being honest with yourself, or saying the things that you want to say without fearing rejection? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then perhaps exploring these issues would give you peace of mind.

My rule of thumb is always that if you aren’t sure if your marriage is over, then it likely isn’t. Because if you were at the final phase of your marriage, you would likely know it. But questions usually mean that there are some issues with which you haven’t yet achieved closure. And sometimes, addressing those same issues could transform or save your marriage.

Examine The Conceptions You Have About Saving Your Marriage And Ask Yourself If They Could Be Incorrect: Many people who aren’t sure if they want to save their marriage have some of the doubts that they are experiencing because they are reluctant about the reconciliation or marriage saving process.

If you asked these folks to describe what saving their marriage would entail, they will often tell you they are afraid that they will have to undergo painful counseling, or embarrassing conversations, or concessions so unfair that they strip your individuality and ideals. None of these things need to be true. The wife in this situation was so afraid that saving her marriage meant she had to just give up her new found happiness and social life. It most certainly did not. She could continue to see her friends on her own if she liked, as long as she also made time for her husband. And there was always the option of including him. Quite frankly, having your own life, your own friends, and your own hobbies can actually improve your marriage because you come into it as more happy and complete person.

If this perception is keeping you from trying to save your marriage, ask yourself if it would be worth it to see the process for yourself rather than assuming the worst case scenario. You might be pleasantly surprised. Many people actually tell me that they are glad that they took a chance and didn’t give up on their marriage. Because they actually find that saving it ended up being the right choice for them because they are happier than they suspected and the process turned out to be not quite as hard as they had feared.