As a basis of a family, marriage has been attributed a lot of definitions. Thus, according to the popular approach, marriages are the communions which are taken from Heaven. Goethe believed that marriage was the beginning and the peak of every culture, while Proudhon considered it to be the sacred face of justice ad the mystery of universal harmony.

Dictionaries usually define marriage as the free and consented union between a man and a woman, a union which is performed under the law and which is meant to lead to a new family being founded. Most of the journalists and of the lawyers also accept this definition as being the most accurate one. Some jurists also introduce their own approaches in the definition of this concept, these approaches having more or less to do with their religion. Ronasc, for instance, considered that the legal act through which a man and a woman establish a connection between themselves is a union the law imposes and which can be broken whenever they want. In the legal terminology, the word “marriage” is used in the following situations.

First of all, it is used to define a legal document the future spouses sign according to the law. Also, it is used to define the celebration of the marriage itself, which means that it refers to the official ceremony within which the document is signed. Then, it is defined at a status, a status which is included in the family code and which refers to a legal institution, therefore being a set of regulations which determine and reign over this concept.

Looking at things from a general point of view, the act of marriage resembles the agreement very much, also being a bilateral legal act, but it also covers the conception that everyone has the right to get married whenever they want and whomever they want to get married to. Also, once they get married, the two partners become equal in rights and in everything else, the marriage annulling all their privileges except for those which have to do with their personal goods, which are not be partitioned in case of a divorce. Marriage is a civil act as it can only be completed by a local authority. Also, this is supposed to be an agreement which is signed for life, but it seems that there are more and more cases in which doesn’t happen because the number of divorces in a continuous increase. The husband and wife are supposed to stay together for better and for worse, but more and more people seem to forget these words or simply do not value them, a divorce being an event just as significant as the marriage itself.

Of course, everyone has the right to get married, just like everyone has the right to get divorced if they consider there is nothing else they can do to save their marriage. However, marriage is supposed to fix the bases for a new family, while a divorce only separates a family which should never be separated.

Introduction

Have you fallen into the trap of neglecting your marriage or your wife? Or are you adding as much value to your marriage as is humanly possible? Learn how to have the correct attitude in order to have the best marriage possible.

Pillars Of Marriage

All relationships are built on the pillars of trust, caring and love. And because your marriage is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life, it should be obvious that these pillars are also very important to your marriage. Yet many people do not realise this important fact, so they go about neglecting their spouse. And eventually neglect will wipe away all feelings of love… and lead to divorce.

Relationships Thrive On Attention

Relationships thrive on attention. So, if you really want to bless your marriage and turn it into the most satisfactory relationship, you have to give attention to your wife, as well as pay attention to her.

Give Attention

If it is true that your marriage is the most important relationship of your life — and it is! — then you have to realise that your wife is the person who deserves most of your attention. More so than your boss, your colleagues, your friends, your parents and, yes, even your children!

You have to treat your wife like she is your queen, and give her the benefit of your best attention.

That obviously also implies that you have to pay attention when your wife talks to you. Often we men are guilty of “tuning out” when we get home. We spend all day concentrating at work, and when we get home we just want to relax. That often also results in us not listening properly when our wives talk to us.

You know what? There are few things that are as disrespectful as paying only half-hearted attention when someone speaks to you. But somehow men tend to think if they show such disrespect to their wife that she should just accept it.

It does not work that way, my friend!

Showing disrespect for your wife is one guaranteed way of killing your marriage.

Add A Little Effort And Do It Properly

It only takes a little more effort to listen carefully than to listen half-heartedly. But it makes a huge difference in your marriage. It only takes a little more effort to give an extra hug, but is pays off marvellously! It only takes a little more effort to say kind words to your wife, but it brings heaps of appreciation – and it massively benefits you, your wife, your relationship and your marriage.

So, can you see that just a little extra effort will make a huge difference?

Do It Now

Karyl Beal has once said, “The only guaranteed moment is this one.” You have no guarantee that you can do these things for your wife (or for you marriage) tomorrow, simply because you have no guarantee that either you or your wife will still be here tomorrow.

Do not wait until it is too late, because, like Harriet Stowe warned us, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

Do not risk having to regret for the rest of your life that you did not fully show your wife how much you appreciated and loved her.

Do it NOW – TODAY – while you still have the opportunity! Invest in your marriage, because both you and your wife deserve a long, happy marriage. Your wife deserves to be treated like the queen she is. Do it – make the investment! You will NOT regret it!

Never Stop Becoming A Better Husband

“Love is a fever. When a man is in love, he endures more than at other times; he submits to everything,” says Freidrich Nietzche.

However, the very act of marriage sometimes serves as an antipyretic, bringing down Love’s fever to a tepid state. Then the man begins to treat the woman he wooed and won, like a piece of furniture – comfortable, useful and preferably long lasting.

No marriage can be durable without that priceless ingredient called Intimacy. Without its unifying strength, the marriage is likely to be unstable, and in danger of collapsing.

Marriage is a state of interdependence. Two imperfect human beings enter into a contractual obligation to mutually love and cherish each other. They strive for a oneness that excludes all others from their inner intimacies and physical relationships.

This interdependence however, is extremely difficult for a man. He needs to be in control of every situation. By becoming a part of another human being he feels threatened and believes it will diminish his stature.

Intimacy doesn’t mean loss of personality. In spite of differences in character, temperament and background, the husband and wife must interact and influence each other until over the years, it becomes impossible to think of one without the other. It is a process of growth which is perfected gradually, provided there is mutual caring and sharing.

Like runners in a three legged race, they learn to run smoothly despite the being two separate people. This becomes possible only when their relationship takes precedence over all other relationships – with parents, children or friends.

Dedication to each other, tolerance of each other’s failures and weaknesses, a cleaving together through all the vicissitudes of life, makes marriage the ultimate experience in life.

Intimacy is expressed on many levels -physical, emotional and sexual. Many well educated intellectual men make a mess of their marriages because they are lacking in knowledge concerning the basics in intramarital relationships.

They are ignorant of the fact that a woman blossoms when she is loved and cherished. Wooing must not stop with courtship but must go on through life, to keep a marriage alive and prevent it from getting into a rut.

Here are a few simple guidelines to achieve physical and emotional intimacy.

Be involved: A man usually is an attention getter. He does not take kindly to a wife stealing the limelight. But putting her interests and her welfare above his own, is complying with the Scriptural edict, “Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself.” He must rejoice in her successes.

Be accommodating: Men sometimes fantasize about a perfect wife. No such paragon exists. The earlier he learns this and accepts her for herself, with all her strengths and despite her weaknesses, the better it will be for their relationship.

At the same time, he should be aware of his own shortcomings and apologize when he is wrong, and never rub it in when he is right.

Be affectionate: Men dislike demonstrations of affection. But a woman thrives on it. Touching in non sexual ways – a hug, an embrace, an endearment, a loving look, could make her day.

Touch is like the balm of Gilead, an emollient to the rough edges of marriage. While it might be asking too much of some men to regularly remember birthdays and anniversaries, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for them to try. And today’s generation of wives would expect them to.

Be loyal: Many men treat their wives as imbeciles, unable to make decisions on vital issues. They insult them in the presence of others. Scoring points against a wife who is too embarrassed or too timid to retaliate, is cowardice.

Be appreciative: A sincere compliment about her appearance, her talents, and her home management skills will ensure lifelong loyalty.

Flirtations by wives are danger signals. They must be taken seriously, and action taken at once to rectify the underlying problem. A man who takes his wife for granted and ignores signs of unrest such as moodiness, sulks, anger, absent mindedness, will realize to his regret that procrastination makes resolution all the more difficult. She is only making a desperate plea to be heard, understood and loved.

A woman is not a robot to be programmed and left to function mechanically. There are many dimensions to her character – physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.

A woman is called upon to play multiple roles during her lifetime as wife, lover, friend, confidante and parent. No human being can be perfect in all roles. Switching back and forth between these roles is a psychological strain. Under these circumstances, it is a wonder that more women don’t suffer from split personalities. Unfavourable comparisons can also demoralize a woman and shatter her self esteem.

Most men don’t realize that what happens outside the bedroom is related to what happens within. Merely closing the door on the rest of the world does not turn her on.

The woman of today is aware of her sexuality. She is conscious of being a unique creature “fearfully and wonderfully made,” to be an equal partner in the game of life. Sexuality is intimately bound up with her roles both outside and inside the bedroom, and the best aphrodisiac is tenderness and caring.

“Sexuality and affection cannot be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum of closeness and affection,” says Virginia John Masters.

The change of perception regarding female sexuality, the renewal of interest in female physiology, and the openness in all things pertaining to sex, have created an awareness that a woman is not just a passive receptacle for man’s passion, but that she is capable of a response involving body, mind and emotions. She is therefore an active contributor to sexual mutuality.

With the discovery of the incredible G-spot in 1944, and the demystification of this physiological process, a change has taken place in the biological destiny of every woman.

The man must therefore take note of her positive identity, and not make sex a predictable routine. There should be no embarrassment about each other’s bodies. Only when communication barriers are removed will sexual intimacy be possible.

Manners and technique, hygiene, the importance of a romantic prelude, and gestures of love will nurture intimacy. It will eliminate the need of a woman to fake orgasms merely to please her husband. If this faking becomes habitual, she may lose interest in sex altogether.

Why does a woman need to bluff in bed? Because she feels that she is being critically evaluated by her husband. But this never need be the case where there is openness, and where the husband pays attention to her needs and his technique. Men should also be aware of what is physically attractive to women. Body odour, halitosis and lack of cleanliness can paralyze a woman sexually.

However, sex is only one aspect of a marital relationship. Sexual problems need not be synonymous with marital problems. A large number of couples, who are happy in marriage, confess that their sexual lives are nothing to rave about.

There are many women who go through life without experiencing orgasms, but who still enjoy intercourse. It is the feelings that one brings or fails to bring to the relationship that influences intimacy.

How nice it would be if a computer was tucked into every marriage! It is so sharp in highlighting mistakes. “Error in sequence,” “Word not in directory,” “Are you sure?” it would ask, and unless the mistakes are corrected, the marriage would be put on hold.

No marriage can be beautiful without intimacy and tenderness.

“Undress yourselves before you get involved and make a commitment to someone for there’s no turning back once you’re there.” These were the words given to all couple-participants when my wife and I had our pre-nuptial seminar given by a parish worker in a local church where our wedding is to be solemnized. The room was filled with laughter when I replied, “I thought undressing comes after the wedding ceremony?”

These words though rhetoric but are as equally important like what an African proverb says, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.”

Before you get involved and make commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, pressure from others make you blind to warning signs. You and your partner have many different expectations, emotional needs, values and dreams. Keep both eyes open and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone during the course of your marriage. Before committing yourself, have some time to observe the person who will become a part of your life. The more you open your eyes to evaluate his/her quality, respect, love and truth, the more easer it will become for you to decide who gets to sit beside you while watching your favorite television program.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, their flaws and vulnerabilities will become more obvious. But if you love your partner and want the relationship to grow and evolve to the next level, you’ve got to learn how to close one eye and not let little thing to bother you. These flaws however can turn into your advantage depending on how each one of you compliments the other. Neither of you are perfect, but you can be perfect for each other depending on how one completes the other. Look at the gap in the fingers of your hand. Do you know what those gap means? Those gaps are meant to be complimented by your partner’s hand.

Marriage is accepting the person as what he/she is and not what you expect him/her to be. Partners are two imperfect but unique children of God who have decided to share a life together. And despite these imperfections that were seen by both eyes before marriage, closing one eye after will enables you to see not these imperfections but that someone who shared the altar with you when you said, “I do.”

Many people like to believe that something such as marriage is stable, it’s an unmovable institution. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Just look at how the idea of same sex marriage in the United States morphed from the total fringes to something that’s legally accepted across the entire country. Looking ahead to the next decade though, there are bound to be more changes in store. Here’s a look at some of the biggest potential marriage trends for the 2020s.

Divorce and marriage rates in the U.S. have both been decreasing, and that’s a trend you can only expect to continue. From 2000 to 2016, the marriage rate dropped from 8.2 to 6.9 per 1,000 people, with divorces dropping from 4.0 to 3.2. Expect similar sized drops in the years ahead, as people continue to be less likely to marry early due to issues such as pursuing personal education and career paths, combating debt levels and financial insecurities, and more.

Couples will get married later, and potentially be more confident they made the right choice, and did so at a more mature and stable time in their lives. And on the flip side, more people will continue to get divorced at later times in their lives, as prioritizing personal happiness and fulfillment is something that more individuals are considering even after the kids move out or they retire. The idea is called gray divorce, and while divorce rates are dropping, gray divorces have doubled in the past several decades.

For couples who do get divorced, one of the increasingly prevalent trends that is only going to increase is the handling of man’s-or woman’s-best friend in the resulting legal challenge. Three states have already enacted legislation that deals with the prospect of a pet’s wellbeing during a divorce, as opposed to treating the animal purely as property to be divided.

Another trend that’s going to be playing out more and more on the divorce battlefield will be cryptocurrency. Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies are already starting to show up in divorce fights for several reasons, including the difficulty or impossibility of tracking down or proving the financial assets that one person may be storing in that medium, as well as the rapidly fluctuating values those assets may represent. As cryptocurrencies become more mainstream still, they’re going to become an even larger issue to contend with.

Technology should be a great thing for marriage, and in many ways it is. Consider the ability to have video chats with a spouse while one person is away, and the ability to synch calendars to easily be kept in the loop with a person’s schedule. Yet, at the same time, technology often gets in the way of relationships, whether as a distraction preventing quality time or the risks and allures of everything from social media to dating apps. Tech is going to become and more integrated into our lives than it already is, and its impact will continue to be felt on both sides of the spectrum.

The idea of marriage or divorce might not be going anywhere, but the ways these seemingly stable institutions evolve and change is more rapid and more impactful than many would realize at first glance.

The prevalent hedonistic culture in the world today, convinces people that the pursuit of personal pleasure outstrips all other considerations. Fidelity in marriage has become a casualty. Marriage which was considered the building block of society and bound two people together in a physical, mental and emotional oneness, is now merely a minority concept.

A good marriage doesn’t happen automatically. It involves commitment, acceptance, and mutual respect bonded together with love. Spouses set themselves apart from all others, and give themselves exclusively to each other. A good marriage is based on the “reciprocity principle.” Partners, who have pledged to love each other ’till death do us part,’ must work at it actively and continuously. There is no casual leave or vacation written into the contract.

What do we mean by Fidelity? It is the quality of reliability and trustworthiness to one’s partner.

“To be faithful is not a favour you bestow on your spouse. It is a privilege to bless yourself with, says Michael Cohon.

The world is in the grip of a sexual revolution. Sex, sexual exploits, sexual prowess are recurring themes that bombard us through both the print and electronic media. Personal pleasure and self fulfillment are characteristics of the New Morality. Infidelity is glamorized.

“Do what you want to,” is the slogan of Individualism.

A recent study done in the US, shows that 30% of women and 40% of men have been unfaithful to their spouses at some point in their marriage.

The weakening of religious and social restraints, the easy availability of sex, permissive legislation have all contributed to the rise in infidelity.

Temptation is a gradual process, which first begins in the mind. Suggestive articles, movies, books or magazines initiate lustful thoughts. Thoughts turn to desire and desire to action. Even a one-night stand doesn’t happen suddenly. It is preceded by unworthy thoughts.

“An affair may be an indication of marriage malfunctioning,” says Linda Wolfe.

There are three main reasons for malfunction. The first is Emotional Immaturity. In a stable marriage, spouses honour and validate who the other person is. When one partner is selfish and self centred, and unwilling to make a total commitment, the marriage becomes unstable. Someone who has lived a very pampered life, doted on by parents, and used to having his own way, never really grows up. He is incapable of giving or receiving love or trusting others. Such a person may flit from one affair to another. The “Paris Hiltons” of this world are examples of such emotional immaturity.

James Goldsmith (Jemima’s father) was also one such, who had countless affairs. Even after marriage to Lady Annabel his third wife, he did indulge in an extramarital affair.

“When you marry your mistress you automatically create a job vacancy,” he said.

Many young people enter marriage with all kinds of expectations. They believe that marriage will meet all their needs, and is one long state of love and romance. They anticipate no quarrels or disagreements; that sexual pleasure is an indication of the stability of marriage; or that children will create an inseparable bond between parents. But when they realise that the practical realities of every-day living are quite daunting, they look elsewhere for the fulfillment of their needs.

Unmet needs bring about frustration and disillusionment. When couples don’t enjoy each other’s company, don’t like doing things together, or going out by themselves, boredom sets in and life gets stuck in a rut of ordinariness. Lack of communication or mental stimulation leads to emotional dissatisfaction. A woman feels let down when she receives no emotional support from her husband. He never compliments her on her looks or attire, and does not thank her for the food she has prepared. This may spill over into the bed room. Sex is not merely physical. There is psychological and emotional involvement too. When her needs are not met, sex becomes an unpleasant chore.

Husbands too can be put off by nagging wives, or ‘clinging vine’ types who lack initiative.

The basic needs of every human being are Affection and Appreciation. It can be conveyed through a glance, a word, a smile or a kiss

Acceptance of the spouse as a person is important. Many problems arise when one partner tries to change the other, and squeeze him /her into a mould of one’s choice. Even in marriage it is important to maintain one’s own identity and values.

“When a man and a woman are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom,” says John Gray.

Husbands and wives should also be each other’s best critics. Tactful and loving criticisms done in a non-judgemental way are sure to strengthen relationships.

Admiration is a big ego booster. Appreciating the virtues, achievement and capabilities of the partner in his role as husband or father, his patience, his courage and dependability, makes a man want to do better.

“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” said Mark Twain.

Similarly a woman’s self confidence depends to a certain extent on her husband’s estimate of her. She needs to be nourished and cherished with praise and appreciation.

Sexual appetite they say is second only to hunger. J. Robert Whitehurst wrote in the Journal of Sexual Behaviour that “All men from the first day of marriage think about the possibility (of extramarital encounters)………..Although these tendencies diminish in later middle life and beyond, they never entirely disappear or vanish in normal men.”

Sexual dissatisfaction is a symptom of marital discord. One partner may be frigid, or the other may suffer from erectile dysfunction. Sex may become so routine when partners refuse to acknowledge each others needs. As Esther Pirot says, “Bedroom familiarity breeds contempt.”

While a woman is stimulated in an emotional environment, a man’s interest is more about sexual excitation. Romance just fades away, and the entire exercise becomes mechanical and devoid of feeling. Dr. Albert Ellis describes this as “Healthy Adultery.”

A prominent Divorce lawyer says that in 90% of cases, divorce begins in the bedroom.

When one partner turns down a mate for sex, it is a painful experience. The partner feels rejected. Men especially begin to look elsewhere to satisfy their unfulfilled desires. Dissatisfaction is a preliminary to infidelity. The “trapped syndrome” makes them want to flee the boring marital bed.

Even the Bible counsels, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband; the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, except for prayer. Then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”(1Cor 7:4.5.)

Long distance marriages also lead to infidelity. Prolonged absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It may drive them apart.

The term “Managed Monogamy” is a new word added to the Manual of Infidelity.

Here spouses have extramarital affairs while being in a marriage, by mutual consent. There’s nothing clandestine about it. They even discuss their affairs and have a laugh.

Unresolved Conflicts can also lead to infidelity.

Careers and jobs today are so demanding that couples don’t find time to speak to each other. Instead they form relationships at work. A wife who is housebound feels neglected when her husband is preoccupied with his career. Her loneliness and frustration may goad her into an affair.

A husband unemployed for long period can be nagged at or belittled by his wife. This may drive him into the arms of another sympathetic woman.

Financial Problems either due too poor salaries or extravagant life styles, or large families lead to constant bickering and dissatisfaction in the home. It could trigger infidelity.

In-laws can sometimes drive a person to desperation especially when there is no support from the partner. The aggrieved spouse might look for support elsewhere.

Domestic Violence, repressive husbands, nagging wives or wives obsessed with order and cleanliness are also causes for infidelity.

Economic freedom of women has given them power and opportunities to have fun elsewhere.

A newspaper item said that women are more inclined to cheat in love than men. The ratio stands at 40% as against 34% males.

Unfulfilled goals in life often create frustration and irresponsibility, which can also lead to infidelity.

There are three types of infidelity.

– The one night stand or the one-time affair, like Boris Becker’s quickie in the broom cupboard in a London restaurant. It cost him his marriage and a chunk of his fortune.

– It may be a short term relationship. But too many of these short affairs could destroy one’s marriage and lead to depression, say psychologists.

– Others have parallel marriages with two wives and two families. Many of the Bollywood (Mumbai) actors are into such relationships.

The common reaction of aggrieved spouses when confronted by the infidelity of their partners is almost similar to what one experiences when a partner dies. Surprise, denial, anger, disappointment and eventually acceptance follow.

Denial is a defensive mechanism by the aggrieved spouse even when the signs are glaringly evident. Husbands sometimes purposely leave clues like hotel receipts or lipstick on the collar because it brings them relief from guilt. But many wives pretend that all is well and refuse to confront them. This “ostrich syndrome” is a way of coping. But it eventually leads to depression, insomnia and sometimes suicidal tendencies. A wife, who has no other economic means of support covers up a partner’s guilt, thereby condoning his infidelity.

Anger is a common reaction. Angry words, refusal to do normal domestic chores, withdrawal of conjugal rights, or running off to Mother, are some of the ways women show their anger. Sometimes fights ensue. The husband is angry with his wife for driving him to infidelity. The wife who is betrayed is angry at being let down. There is a breach of trust which psychiatrists call ‘psychic injury.’

At times a woman may retaliate by saying “If he can do it, I can do it too.” Imitating the wrong doer is like being controlled by the errant spouse and is counter productive.

Anger can sometimes be directed at one’s self for not being able to make a success of marriage, or at the spouse for not meeting her needs, or at God for allowing such a situation.

Revenge is a fatal reaction. Inflicting physical injury or throwing acid on a lover’s face is becoming quite common these days.

When Peter the Great discovered the affair his wife was having with William Mons,

(Gentleman of the Bed Chamber) he had the man decapitated. The head was preserved in a bottle full of alcohol and kept in the Queen’s bedroom.

Many women with poor self image blame themselves for their husbands’ infidelity. They feel they have not lived up to their husbands’ expectations and have driven them into the arms of other women.

Some like to force a solution immediately, without waiting for any explanation from the errant spouse. The decision to split is taken immediately, leaving no room for reconciliation.

Marriage is a relationship that has to be built over the years, with love and deep commitment to each other. Infidelity is a breach of trust that leaves the offended spouse deeply hurt and betrayed. An affair is a crisis that must be tackled calmly. Facts must be sorted out from rumours or suppositions. It is possible for wrong conclusions to be drawn from innocent gestures.

Partners who communicate well with each other and periodically conduct a marital audit will be able to sort out major or minor conflicts. No one is infallible. Mistakes are possible but confession must come quickly, and remorse should be rewarded with forgiveness. The incident thereafter should be laid to rest and not recycled with every argument. Spouses must love “in spite of” the other’s faults.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers,” says Robert Quillan.

Ogden Nash sums up the secret of a happy marriage in verse.

“If you want your marriage to sizzle,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it,

Whenever you’re right shut up.”

Spouses who love each other deeply and have pledged to be faithful till the end, will not compromise even on small temptations. They will be able to resist them. Mutual respect, concern for the other’s needs, and the ability to continually fall in love with each other, will keep the marriage bed inviolate. Of course it goes without saying that Divine help is imperative.

“Couples who stay married develop the ability to not lose sight of the love in their relationship and to express it,” says Robert Levenson.

Love with your heart, but think with your mind and keep your eyes open love was never meant to be blind and foolish. Let’s get into the most important 9 questions you need to ask before you walk down the aisle.

1. What does marriage mean to you and your fiancé? This question helps you understand the basic concept you and your fiancé have of marriage. Being a wife or husband is like being partners of a start-up company. If both partners have very different views of what this means the marriage will never be managed effectively.

2. What does the marriage look like to you and your fiancé? You are deep in love and have a picture in mind of what the marriage will look like 5, 10 and 25 plus years down the road. Your fiancé also has expectation of what the marriage will look like and how it will function. These expectations may be quite different so get them clear early on.

3. Why did you fall in love? This needs to be clear as well especially when the storms and challenges come. You need to always have this beautiful story to reflect on and help refocus your feelings.

4. What is your purpose in the marriage? Getting married is more about what you bring to the relationship than what you can get from it. There is a very specific set of reasons that make you the best person for your spouse. You need to know how being you and fulfilling your potential will add tremendous value to your spouse.

5. What is the purpose of your spouse as a partner? No matter how well together you believe you are, your spouse also has value to add that will make you a better person.

6. Who are you as a unique person? People get lost in relationships because they lose sight of who they are. You need to take time to figure out who you are before trying to become one with someone else.

7. Who is your fiancé as a different unique person? Apart from appreciating who you are as a unique person you need to appreciate the uniqueness of your fiancé as well.

8. What problems have you already noticed? Love is not blind; love sees the best and minimises the worst. Love lets you know that the issues did not stop you from falling in love. You still need to acknowledge the issues and bring them to the light.

9. What are the expectations you have for your life? Frustration comes when expectations are not met. In marriage you are likely to blame your spouse when these are not met. Your life expectations need to be measured against what you and your fiancé agree on for the marriage.

Taking time to answer these 9 simple questions can save you from the pitfalls that have wrecked many couples. Reduce the risk of divorce by spending more time on questions like these and less on questions about the colour of bridesmaid dresses, menus and flowers.

Most problems begin with unrealistic expectations on both parts. This mostly happens to people who married young or don’t have much experience when it comes to relationships. When you have unrealistic view of each other, it can lead to frustration,anger and disappointments. Perhaps your problem in your marriage is because of the unrealistic expectations you have with your partner in your relationship.

Hollywood Romance

Hollywood always makes these impossible notions about romance. This is what they sell after all. Wouldn’t it be simply wonderful if all marriages were as perfect and wonderful as it is in the media? Perhaps you fall under the category of women that expect their husband to leave a trail of roses leading to the bedroom, where there are 100 candles and 5 dozen petals worth of roses are on the bed. Be honest, how realistic is this?

When you create this unrealistic expectation in your marriage, it will cause problems in your marriage. The truth is reality is different. This doesn’t mean romance ends once your married, but it won’t be as glamorous as you hope for like in the movies.

Putting Your Partner On a Pedestal

It can be devastating to wake up one morning and realize that the person your married to is not as perfect as you thought they were. People who get married without really getting to know each other can expect to have problems in their marriage. Seeing your spouse for who they truly are may be a little jarring if you had high expectations before getting married.

What happens normally is that people only show their good side at the beginning of the relationship and then they hide their faults for a long time. In order to avoid problems like this what you can do is that you take the relationship slow and do not put your significant other on a pedestal. It’s unrealistic and unfair to put your spouse on a pedestal,when they themselves are humans too!

Expecting A Fairy Tale

Fairy tales are only great for kids but you have to recognize that they are nothing but fantasies. Even though Cinderella and Prince Charming married happily in the castle at the end of the story, we don’t get to see what happens inside after a few years of being married together. For all we knew, Cinderella could have shattered her glass slipper when she threw it at Prince Charming for coming home late and drunk.

A perfect marriage does not exist and one who strives for one is only going to crash and burn down the road. The reality of it is that marriage take hard work and love won’t cultivate on it’s own. You have to take action every day to cultivate your marriage as well as learn to grow together. You may not always get along with your spouse and may disagree on many things. It’s okay though as long as the two of you recognize, respect and appreciate each other’s differences. Once you accept this, your marriage will be as peaceful as the sea after a raging storm.

Don’t ever lose hope when you have conflicts in your marriage. What you can do is change your expectations with your spouse. Yes, marriage is hard. Marriage won’t be easy but learning how to grow with someone you commit yourself to is what marriage is all about. If couples change their expectations and made it more aligned with reality, less problems in their marriage will occur. If you don’t do this then it is time that you reevaluate your perspective.

Remember that all problems can be overcome when the two of you put fixing your marriage on the top of your priority list.

Often when we walk down the aisle, we want to believe that our husbands will be everything to us.

We want them to love us unconditionally, encourage us, make us happy, and become our best friends.

However, we often feel short-changed when it comes to the marriage relationship because we become disappointed in our husbands for one reason or another.

While you should enjoy your marriage, one thing you should understand is that marriage is not necessarily about your happiness. Marriage can help you to become a better individual and make you stronger. It should help to enhance and improve you as a person, but sometimes the improvements and enhancements can come at a cost and great pain.

When I say pain, I do not mean abuse or adultery. These types of situations require counseling, and/or other types of immediate intervention. Both of these situations are inexcusable and could ultimately cause death.

Your marriage should be a reflection of Christ and His church. But at times it’s not. In fact, sometimes your marriage can be dead!

However, it is possible to rekindle the love and bring your marriage back to life.

After many years of frustration due to unmet expectations, I recognize now how much I need to add value to my relationships.

And in the case of marriage, I know I need to give my husband 5 things that will make him happy and keep him coming home.

I’m not saying that you should be the only one contributing to the marriage. Nor am I saying that your husband should be the only one to enjoy the marriage relationship. It definitely takes two to make a marriage work well.

But in my sixteen years of being married, I have learned that certain things make most men happy, and can ultimately help you to strengthen your marriage, by taking it from the grave and bringing it back to life

These five things include:

1) Food – Truly this is partly the way to a man’s heart. Find out what your husband likes. Feed him and do it well. Make sure the food you give him is healthy and flavorful.

2) Sex – This is probably the top item. But the irony is that many of the women I coach struggle with having sex with their husbands. Men have a high physical need for sex. It’s a part of who they are. I’ve often wondered why God made us so different in our views of sex. And while I have my opinions on this, I have learned to give in AND enjoy sex with my husband. Having passionate sex can make your husband happy and your marriage closer.

3) Respect – Women crave love and men crave respect. Again, this is an area where men and women differ in their perspectives, but if your husband knows that you respect him, instead of undermining him or being negative and argumentative, he may become more open to communicating with you. Often when a man feels disrespected by his wife he feels hurt, dejected, and less of a man. This causes him to shut down and leave the marriage… at least emotionally.

4) Peace – Men would rather run from home than to deal with a loud, chaotic household. Try to make your home a peaceful haven for your husband. Make it become a place he wants to come home to, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

5) Support – When a man dreams, he needs his wife to become his cheerleader, even when it looks like he is failing. When it’s dark, he needs you to be his glimmer of hope.

Of course you cannot take the place of God. But often your husband needs you more than you realize.

If you can provide these things within your marriage with a sincere heart, you can begin the journey of bringing life to a dead marriage. Be willing to understand his needs and become open to sharing yourself with your husband in these ways. While doing some of these things may take a sacrifice, they can ultimately bring life back to a dead marriage.

We are not a high conflict couple but we are not really happy, either. How would we benefit from marital counseling? There are many benefits to marital counseling besides learning how to bring down the emotional level of arguments-although, this too, is a benefit. 

 

Marital counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist can help your marriage in many ways. It affords you a number of opportunities for change that you would not ordinarily know how to accomplish by yourself. With marriage counseling you will have an opportunity to identify the issues, feelings, and behaviors that are bothering you and to communicate them to your spouse in a safe and supportive environment. 

 

One of the major benefits of marital counseling is the instruction, coaching, and feedback in developing new skills to make changes in your relationship. Skill development often focuses on the following skills areas:

1) communication and problem solving

2) appropriate expression, disclosure, and resolution of painful emotions

3) effective negotiation for change within the relationship

4) acquisition of the ability to work within a partnership to achieve goals

5) development of the ability to engage in consultation and cooperation with family issues such as money management, parenting, lifestyle issues, and stage of life issues.

6) de-escalation of arguments before they get hurtful

7)  identification and elimination of dirty fight tactics.

8) learning and practicing effective problem solving techniques

9) learning and practicing effective ways to start a difficult conversation in a neutral manner.

10. regaining the ability to perceive the positive characteristics in your partner and in your marriage. 

 

When you participate in marriage counseling you have an opportunity to get to know your spouse again. Couples who have been together awhile have a tendency to talk superficially or about things and issues other than themselves. Partners often quit talking about the things they think and feel. 

 

Couples counseling can guide you through your unresolved issues, including the emotional baggage from your family of origin that may be re-created and played out in your current relationship.   You have an opportunity to identify how your prior experiences “color” how you experience your life now, and can learn how to neutralize the negative impact of your histories.  In doing so, you can visualize the relationship that you want, discover how to accomplish it, and begin to work toward your relationship goals. 

 

Your couples counseling should last long enough for you to accomplish major treatment plan goals. If you continue in counseling long enough to establish new behaviors to the point where it has become habit, you are most likely to sustain your relationship gains over a longer period of time.