The story of domestic violence is one that troubles many women. For generations they have been taught to suffer in silence. We have been taught to embrace violence as part of young marriages, tolerate and hide abuse from those who can help. Sometimes those who are supposed to help us are the ones telling us to tolerate the domestic violence. To them it is the norm as they probably did the same. Their parents went through that and dealt with domestic violence the same way. They pass it to their children as they can’t see the problem and teach them to do the same.
Domestic violence may have become part of how life is lived in relationships for them. It might have become part of their belief system as how troubled relationships are lived. So this makes it very difficulty for them to change things or to bring an end to such behaviour.
Why Stay In A Relationship That Has Domestic Violence?
Many women living with domestic violence don’t come out of it because of many constraints. Firstly they fear for their lives, their children and other loved ones. At times it’s the culture and beliefs that they don’t know how to break free from and they don’t know how they will be able to make ends meets in the difficult economy that we live in without the support of family.
They are stuck in a situation they know it’s not good for them, deep down they want out, but they don’t know how to get out if they do they don’t know how they will be able to feed themselves or their kids, how they will pay rent and if they will be safe or they will be putting their lives and their loved ones lives at risk. With these thoughts in mind some choose to suffer in silence so they can save their loved ones from pain and danger.
It Is To Judge From Afar?
It’s very easy to judge when you are looking from the outside. We often tell the person who is a victim of domestic violence to get out without knowing why they are still there. Caring requires compassion and the ability to reach a victim with love. We also need to the ability to make them feel safe in our presence in order to gain trust.
We need to learn how to reach women in this place without judging them for their choices. Allow them their space so they can make the best decision for themselves by letting them know that we care deeply for their safety. Often we don’t have power over the outcome it is entirely up to the woman making the choices for herself. Be there when she is ready and is asking for your help. Most of the time it’s easy to give out instructions and advice that has not been asked for and this creates resistance to seeking help.
Change Is Personal
Change comes from within oneself. We have to understand that individuals change when they are ready for it not when we tell them to. This is a story all of us are familiar with. If someone orders you around naturally you will resist. Often we end up threatening them telling them the worst that could happen to them. Painting the ghastly pictures if they don’t get out or quit has proved that it does not work most of the time. There are many who chose to remain in the violent relationship and have died even though they were warned. I believe we are all the same and we resist orders even if they are going to help us, we choose to take the long path instead.
May we have the grace to discern and reach out to them with the appropriate help. Peace and love to you all.
