Relationships, to be successful, all require trust. Marriages, business partnerships, office colleagues or children and parents all need to feel that they will be treated with respect, listened to and their expectations met. I have had several clients who mentioned that they did not feel trust within their relationships.
In the workplace, when an employee feels trusted, they feel empowered and work a great deal better. Micro manage your employees by watching their every move and the message received will be that you don’t trust them. Do this and they will also send you a long list of questions about what they should be doing. Since you never let them feel capable of thinking for themselves, you built dependency in its place. They feel unsure of what is expected, hence the questions. Trusting people will save you time and energy long term.
There are many ways to build trust. Here are five:
=Being a good listener.
Don’t interrupt until your partner/child/ business partner etc has actually finished speaking. Interrupting shows you aren’t listening, that you make assumptions and don’t respect their words. If a person cannot express their feelings, there is little trust. Steven Covey points out that all too often we listen from our own point of view rather than listening properly. For example, little Edward says he doesn’t want to eat his sandwich. Rather than considering the feelings and position of Edward, many parents will see only the time spent preparing the food and interpret their child’s disinterest in eating as a rejection of them.
Practice good listening by reflecting back what was said. If little Edward says “I don’t want to eat any more”. Simply respond by using his words and say, “You do not want to eat anymore”. Never use sarcasm or an accusing tone; this only causes you to lessen trust. This is particularly true when the power in a relationship is not equal, such as between a teacher and student or parent and child. Reflecting back invites the other person to now explain themselves and feel at ease.
=Use ‘I’ statements rather that ‘You’.
If you keep the focus on yourself, the other person will not feel accused or pointed at. ‘Why haven’t you tidied up the living room’ when changed to ‘I would really appreciate you helping me to tidy up’ lowers the negative impact or any possible criticism which might be felt. People also like doing things for others, so phrase it as such.
Phrasing sentences using ‘I’ will help bring the relationship closer. ‘I feel that..’ is better than saying ‘You don’t..’ or ‘You make me feel…’
=Fight fairly.
Keep to the issue at hand and don’t drag up old conflicts which are irrelevant. Don’t use sarcasm, especially with children, I can’t emphasis this enough. Don’t start a discussion at a silly time such as just before a family gathering or late at night when it’s time to go to sleep. But do bring up issues. If you don’t, issues either get worse, leading to deeper relationship difficulties or you will get a tumor.
= Express your needs clearly.
If you need to have Tuesday evenings with your friends playing bingo or watching a movie, say so. You have a life and your partner should understand that your emotional wellbeing and happiness is important. If your partner wants to do something and you would rather not, express your needs to them in a respectable manner. Again use ‘I’ sentences. We often don’t speak up because we fear rejection or are ashamed to admit that we have needs. However, especially in marriage, your partner, we assume, actually wants to ensure you are happy, so speaking up is beneficial. If your child wants you to take them shopping and you have just come home from a long and tiring day, you are not being a bad parent by saying no, as long as you do so in a respectful and pleasant way. Don’t use a put down or lose your temper; what do you gain?
= Give pleasure and be nice.
If you are nice and pleasant in your manner, others will be nice and pleasant to you too. If you are unreasonable and aggressive, people will soon move away. They say that criticsm should be given in a ‘sandwich’. This means that you firstly praise the person for work well done, then mention in a respectful way what you were unhappy about and then end with some sort of praise. In relationships of any kind, be nice at least in a ratio of 4 to 1. Say at least 4 nice things for every slightly critical thing. If you aim higher and are consistently nice, then trust comes along too. Obviously I am saying to be nice in a genuine way. Being a creep or ‘sucking up’ to others won’t do much to increase trust, rather people won’t trust you.
Would you like to work on improving your relationships at work or at home? Coaching will help you make significant changes. Coaching provides skills and techniques to communicate better and feel greater confidence.
