Recently, blood samples of 10 individuals were taken and sent to a lab for analysis. Specifically the samples were tested for toxic chemical pollutants, pesticides and industrial chemicals. Some of these toxic ingredients came from cosmetic products. What is most interesting in this study is that scientists have been studying pollution in the air, in our water, and on our land for decades, but only recently have they studied it in humans.

The results of these tests on these 10 Americans were absolutely astounding.

· 287 chemicals were found with an average of 200 per individual;

· by category there were 28 waste products, dioxins, chemicals normally gotten from smoke stacks or the air;

· 47 were from consumer products that were presumably consumed;

· 212 were industrial chemicals that had been banned over 30 years ago.

The problem with these studies is that none of the 10 Americans were factory or farm workers. So, how then were these 10 individuals exposed to these potentially toxic chemicals? The truth is not much was known about these 10 because, in fact, the 10 in question were FETUSES, and what we do know is this:

· some 300 quarts of blood flow through to the fetus from the pregnant mother each day;

· the belief that the Placenta filters out toxic chemicals is simply not true;

· women use an average of 12 personal care products daily and are exposed to over 160 ingredients, some of which are toxic;

· industrial pollution, therefore, begins in the womb;

· 134 of the chemicals found are known to cause cancer;

· 151 cause birth defects;

· 154 are linked to hormone deficiencies;

· 186 can cause infertility;

· 130 are immune system toxicants;

· 158 were neurotoxins, i.e. lead, PCB’s, and mercury that can have profound effects on intelligence and motor skills

The Chemical Industry says there is no reason for alarm because the doses are low, measured in parts per billion, and thus safe. This might raise the question of whether a part per billion might cause harm? The answer is equally alarming. Consider these real life statistics:

· Albuterol, used by many to stop Asthma attacks, is effective at 2.1 parts per billion per dose;

· Paxil, used as an anti-depressant, is effective at 30 parts per billion per dose;

· Cialis, one might say has profound therapeutic effects, is effective for 36 hours at 30 parts per billion per dose;

· Nuvaring, used for birth control, is effective at 0.035 parts per billion per dose.

Conclusion: LOW DOSES MATTER!

Decades of exposure have created a silent pandemic in our country, as there are increases in diseases and disorders that cannot be explained by science and genetics alone:

· 57% increase in brain cancer among children;

· 1 in 150 children have Autism;

· an 84% increase in Lymphocytic Leukemia in children during the period of 1975 – 2002;

· over the same period a condition known as Hypospadias has doubled (birth defect of the penis whereby the urethra does not come out at the end but somewhere else in the shaft and will require surgery);

· 7.3 million US couples, a 20% increase in the last decade, have trouble getting pregnant or carrying to full term;

· men have a 1% decrease per year in sperm count in the US and Northern Europe;

· 1 in 3 women will get breast cancer;

· 1 in 2 men will develop some form of cancer.

From my previous articles on toxic ingredients in cosmetic products you should already know that the Cosmetic Industry is self-regulated, meaning if the cosmetic manufacturer says their product is safe, it can go to market without any pre-testing and accepted as a safe product. The FDA does not do any pre-market testing and accepts the manufacturer at his/her word.

The question becomes what can be done about this health hazard. One must go on living and cannot be expected to live in fear of everything put into or on our bodies. Well, back in 1976 a law was passed known as the Toxic Substance Control Act (TSCA). This law grand fathered in 62,000 existing industrial chemicals and another 700 to 1000 new chemicals are added each year. These chemicals are presumed to be safe as there are no requirements for the manufacturer of each chemical to prove their safety. However, TSCA uses the Environmental Protection Agency, the EPA, to manage the process. Here are the results:

· in 34 years the list of industrial chemicals has grown to over 80,000;

· 80% of these chemicals submitted to the EPA are approved within 3 weeks;

· only 5 chemicals have been banned in the 34 years and one of them, a well known cancer causing chemical called Asbestos, was reversed by one of the courts in the judicial system as the court ruled that after 10 years of study and 45,000 pages of documentation by the EPA, it had not proved with certainty, by the rules governing TSCA, that Asbestos causes cancer.

The bottom line to all this is that TSCA is outdated and must be changed. My next article will address what is being done in Washington to address this horrific health situation potentially being caused by the toxic ingredients in our blood, but do not hold your breath, because if it has taken the EPA 34 years to get only four chemicals banned, one can only imagine what it will take to move this mountain of information, over 80,000 chemicals to date, to protect our children and our children’s children. The Cosmetic Industry plays a large role in health hazard as there are many toxic ingredients in cosmetic products that find their way into the fetus from the bloodstream of the pregnant mother through the umbilical cord directly into the fetus.

With the statistics above provided by the Environmental Working Group and our own government through hearings held on February 26, 2009, surely one can only be assured of safe, toxic-free cosmetic products by searching, locating and buying only certified organic cosmetics. The seals and logos of certification on the containers themselves can identify these products.

We don’t give much though of how hard our lungs work each day and at what we exposed them to.

We mostly believe that smoking is the number one cause of lung damage, but we ignore the many other substances we breath every day that can harm our lungs. We breath toxic substances in work, home, in make up and pollution.

We are going to check the top 8 substances that harm our lung health.

Asbestos: This material is used as insulation in commercial and industrial buildings, it’s a fibrous material that has been linked to mesothelioma cancer.

Some of the common symptoms are chest pain, coughing, fatigue, nausea, weight loss and fever.

Carbon Monoxide: This is a gas that moves from the lungs to the bloodstream, where it then attaches to the haemoglobin molecules. This gas is highly dangerous because it can go undetected because it has no smell or taste. Some of the symptoms caused by exposure to carbon monoxide are: nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, even loss of consciousness and death.

Benzene: This is a highly used industrial chemical which is found in synthetic fibres, plastics, rubber lubricants, resins, pesticides, drugs and detergents. It also can be found at home in adhesives, glues, paint strippers, tobacco smoke and cleaning products.

Exposure to high levels of benzene can cause symptoms of headaches, dizziness and drowsiness.

Formaldehyde: This is a carcinogen and a chemical that can make a person sensitive to all other chemical when there is a significant exposure. It causes symptoms such as: itchy, burning eyes, headaches and is irritating. Even though it may sound like a chemical from factories it can be found in paper towels, fragrances and air fresheners.

Ammonia: It is very risky for our health, specially our skin and lungs and its more dangerous when its mixed with chlorine bleach or other cleaners. Ammonia can burn the skin, the mucous membranes, irritate and is very toxic if swallowed.

Mould and Mildew: Moulds are part of our environment, can be found indoors and outdoors. It not a problem until it start to grow indoors, because it can affect the air quality in your home. Some of the common symptoms of exposure to mould are itchy and burning eyes, coughing, lethargy, headaches and fever. People with allergies and asthma are specially sensitive to moulds.

Pesticides: Pesticides are needed to control insects, however spraying is not precise and some particles may spread to other areas where it was not intended to be. Another way that we are exposed to pesticides is by consuming non organic vegetables and fruits.

The symptoms that are may experience are memory loss, loss of coordination, impair of the neurological system, reduced visual ability, uncontrollable behaviour and mood. It is also linked to cancer, asthma, allergies, problems with reproduction and hormone disruption.

Volatile Organic compounds: These are gases in the air from processes or products, it can irritate the throat, nose, eyes, cause nausea, damage the nervous system and cause difficulty to breath.

Volatile organic compounds can be found in Paint, pesticides, glue, tobacco, printers, copiers, gasoline, building products, carpet, wood products, etc.

Those are some of the environment substances that damage your lung health, be careful, avoid damaging substances and take your daily supplements to keep your immune system strong.

Sprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me all week. She started in again, shoving me at our adjacent lockers. I’d finally had enough, I pushed her back, and we ended up fighting on the floor.

Before actually harming one another, the girls V.P. escorted us to her office. Tina was expelled. I felt relieved that only my modesty was tarnished… until I returned home. Then I was mortified to discover a small rip in my panties! My defectiveness, symbolized by that imperfection, had been exposed. This is the essence of shame.

It can feel like wearing dirty underwear-which everyone can see. Probably no one saw the rear in my panties. Still, I imagined everyone was mocking me even though no one mentioned the incident. I wanted to hide. How could I face those boys in class day after day?

“Saving face” or “losing face” means to protect ones honor or to suffer disgrace. It’s shame that torments us for hours or years following humiliation, rejection, or feeling defective.

No one wants to be called shameless. That’s because it’s normal to have a certain level of shame. Its origins lie in our primal need for others, to be acceptable and accepted, which provides a sense of internal safety and security. Shame encourages us to adhere to socially accepted norms, like basic manners and grooming.

What Shame Is

Shame differs from embarrassment. We feel embarrassed when our mistake could happen to anyone, like being late. It’s also distinguishable from guilt, which is about something we did that violates our ethical or moral standards. When we feel guilty, we can make amends, but shame makes us feel irredeemable, because it’s about who we are.

Like what happened to me, shame is generally associated with exposure before others, but an audience isn’t necessarily required. More often, shame is caused by how we think about ourselves. It’s silent and secret. No one need be present to evoke our private angst and self-judgment. We imagine others see what we do when we measure our experienced self against the self we want others to see.

How “Toxic” Shame Differs from Ordinary Shame

This even holds true for the things others don’t know about our private thoughts or dreams we consider selfish, stupid, or insane. A friend with a beautiful voice felt deep shame about her secret wish to sing professionally, because her father, an opera singer, constantly corrected her and made her feel inadequate. That parental shaming prevented her from developing her talent professionally. Another acquaintance wanted to be a talk show host, but considered his dream too grandiose to pursue.

We can literally interpret any aspect of ourselves – our appearance, income, status, feelings, or behavior as a reflection of our inadequacy. We might feel disgust about our body which keeps us from going swimming with friends. If we feel stupid for running out of gas, we won’t tell our boss why we’re late. We might feel undeserving and not take a vacation or ask for a raise. When we feel like a failure for not solving a problem or achieving a goal, we might give up on ourselves. Or we feel pathetic for being “too sensitive,” grieving “too long,” or undesirable when lonely, so we stifle our emotions rather than talk about them. Despite obvious beauty, we might feel unattractive, and no one can convince us otherwise.

This is toxic or internalized shame. It lurks in the unconscious, undermines self-esteem, and creates anxiety and havoc in our lives. The magnitude of feeling different, inadequate, or inferior can be unbearable. It’s the feeling of being a bad, unworthy person. Toxic shame sabotages our relationships, our success, and ability to enjoy life. It can be chronic and take over our identity and ability to enjoy life, chipping away at trust in ourselves and the world.

Internalized shame is an open wound from childhood that seeps into our psyche and spreads like a virus to everything we think and do. It creates false beliefs about ourselves others can’t refute and silently eats away at our spontaneity and confidence. This differs from ordinary shame in the following ways:

1. Our own thoughts can bring on shame without the need an external event or exposure to another person.
2. The negative feelings last much longer.
3. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.
4. It leads to worsening shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
5. We have a negative “shame story” about ourselves originating in childhood.
6. The shaming events and beliefs from childhood needn’t be (and usually aren’t) recalled.
7. It creates shame anxiety about re-experiencing judgment, rejection, and shame.
8. It can overtake our personality and be ever-present.
9. Alternatively, it may remain unconscious, but make us defensive and sensitive to criticism, or anything we perceive as shaming, such as, talking too long or too little, making mistakes, showing emotion, receiving too much or too little attention, trying new things, or looking foolish.
10. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, or somehow being unlovable.
11. It causes low self-esteem and codependency.
12. It can lead to other problems, such as aggression, PTSD, perfectionism, depression, eating disorders, and addiction.

Healing

Fortunately, we can heal toxic shame. That doesn’t mean we never feel it. Instead, shame takes its rightful place among our many emotions and no longer controls or overwhelms us. We can remain present and don’t lose our connectedness to others. If we still feel ashamed, we can talk about what happened and challenge our erroneous beliefs. Sharing shame diminishes it. We realize our imperfections make us human as we learn to accept ourselves with compassion.

©DarleneLancer 2019

Have you ever felt that the whole life is against you? Now, you realized that you are stuck in a toxic relationship and you feel angry and frustrated about what to do. Life is so unfair…

That’s right. You feel like a victim of your life choices. I am sure that you are looking for a solution to get out of this confusing, hurtful situation.

You feel like a victim in your painful life. So, you must have a history of painful memories, beliefs, and emotions. You carry them all your life. Unfortunately, you are unaware of them as they stay on a deep unconscious level of your mind. This is haunting your mind and it is draining your life force energy. You cannot function and this makes you make more bad relationship choices as well.

Your mind works like a computer. It stores all data from your life. That is why, this bad, toxic data works like a parasitic virus in your mind. People claim that we need to wait a period of time to let go of all pain. Can you persuade computer virus to go away if you are pleasing enough?! I don’t think so.

You have this in your system. It gives you a message about who you are, where you come from and how your life should look like. This parasite can hijack your mind and triggers you to feel and behave in a specified way. That’s why you may attract toxic relationships as you, your mother and grandmother did it before.

Can you see it now? You may realize that you hold those issues. Then, your current situation is not promising and you feel and think of yourself as a victim! It is pathetic and far away from being successful and happy, right?

People tend to believe that toxic situations teach us something. We learn how to avoid making the same mistakes again. We hear from others “please, make better relationship choice next time”. They persuade you to believe in the same statement and you accepted it. Now, you try to control the situation to control your life.

You try to change the outside world but the inside stay untouched. It still affects you how you think about yourself and what kind of relationship choices you make and how people treat you.

You decide when you are ready to take a challenge and face your painful life history. To the contrary, you may keep denying that your painful background never happened. Those problems will be there with you and they will hijack your present and future relationships.

Remember that you can stop a victim cycle.

Living a healthy lifestyle doesn't always just mean eating our vegetables. Today's world bombards us with toxins every day as pollution is all around us. Toxic waves from our mobile phones and microwaves, oil spills destroying oceans, aluminum oxide sprayed in the skies, toxic poisons in our genetically modified food and even toxins in our makeup and soaps. These all do damage to us on a daily basis.

These cannot be avoided but we need to be aware of what we are putting on our skin, our hair and in our mouth. Protection from these harmful toxins come from vitamins, herbs and phytonutrients.

Some shampoos for example have a toxin in them called Sodium Lauryl Sulphate. This makes the shampoo foam when we mix it with water but it is also a degreasing agent which is why grease comes off easily when you wash your hands with soap. The problem is that when you're putting this on your hair it is also entering the blood stream through your skin. Once this is in your blood stream it circulates to your organs and increases their toxicity. This can cause irritation in the eyes, affect your reproductive system and cause cell mutations.

Your skin does not protect your body because when toxins are absorbed by the skin they bypass the liver, enter the bloodstream and tissues directly. Also you are probably also using the shampoo in a hot shower which has opened all your pores in your skin and it becomes absorbed more easily.

When eating toxic food our body's natural defences can help to break down some of the toxin. Enzymes in your saliva and stomach breaks them down and they go through your liver and kidneys to be left in the toilet but when something enters through your skin this does not happen so your shampoo may be poisoning your body.

There can even be a problem with natural shampoos as they tend to leave a residue on the hair that can make it look dull and feel unclean. They are also not always as pH balanced as you think, can damage the ends and they don't lather as well so you don't feel as if they clean properly.

Some shampoos and cosmetics can have what's called dioxane in them and this can be linked to breast cancer. Diethanolamine or DEA is another ingredient in both shampoos and some cosmetics in concentrations that are often not safe. It reacts with preservatives and creates nitrosodiethanolamine which has also been known to cause cancer. This can stop you from absorbing Choline, which is one of the B vitamins important in development of the brain and during pregnancy. Parabens also found in shampoos can affect your hormones which maintain and regulate all functions in your body. Parabens are often disguised as Propylparaben, Parahydroxybenzoic acid, propyl-parahydroxybenzoic acid and several other names all containing the words benzoic acid or the word paraben at the end so start to read labels to see what is in your shampoo.

Another poison we may be putting into our mouth is called MSG which is commonly found in soups, sauces and other packaged foods. It could also be in your shampoo disguised in the form of glutamic acid or amino acid. Propylene Glycol found in antifreeze, tire sealants, paint and varnish could also be in added in there because it acts as a solvent. It can irritate your skin and affect your liver and kidneys. Some side effects such as headaches, dizziness, nausea, drowsiness and in some extreme cases even death can be caused by these poisons.

So your seemingly harmless bottle of shampoo, soap or washing up liquid from the supermarket may not be as harmless as they look. Start to read labels and take your vitamins, antioxidants, digestive enzymes, drink enough clear filtered water and eat three fruits and three vegetables daily as well as at least one serve of protein. If you don't protect yourself from these substances that pollute our world you may find one day it's too late and you need to take a whole stack of prescribed medication for the illnesses these toxins and our polluted food and air have given you.

There are several species of birds that are toxic. They do not inject venom like snakes, but instead, produce toxins that reside in their feathers and skin, similar to the defenses of some Colombian poison dart frogs. Two of the birds reside exclusively in New Guinea, these being the pitohui and the ifrita.

Pitohui is actually the name of the genus, and there are six species within this genus: Pitohui kirhocephalus, or the Variable Pitohui; Pitohui dichrous, or the Hooded Pitohui; Pitohui incertus, or the White-bellied Pitohui; Pitohui ferrugineus, or the Rusty Pitohui; Pitohui cristatus, or the Crested Pitohui; and Pitohui nigrescens, or the Black Pitohui.

Pitohuis are omnivorous, eating both insects and vegetation. The skin and feathers of these birds contain batrachotoxins. These are used as defenses against parasites that would live on their skin and feathers, or against predators such as snakes, humans, and raptors, which would want to eat the bird. In fact, the Papua New Guineans call these birds “rubbish birds” because they are inedible.

Interestingly, the birds do not produce the toxins themselves; instead they come from a beetle that the birds eat. The other bird that is toxic, the ifrita, also gets its toxins by eating the same beetles.

The ifrita meaures 16.5 cm long. It is carnivorous, eating insects that dwell on tree trunks and branches. The bird is yellowish brown, with a blue and black crown.

Western scientists discovered the pitohui’s toxicity while trying to free the birds from nets that they had set up to catch different birds. John Dumbacher, when he was a doctoral candidate, was one of the researchers that experienced the neurotoxins first hand. The scientists freed the birds from the nets, but, in the process, got cut by the birds’ beaks and claws. The toxin caused “numbness, burning, and sneezing on contact.”

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

• Do they over-react, create a scene?
• Do they use emotional blackmail?
• Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
• Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
• Do they criticize or compare you?
• Do they listen to you with interest?
• Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
• Do they blame or attack you?
• Do they take responsibility and apologize?
• Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
• Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
• Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents

Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. (Read “Getting Triggered and What You Can Do.”) Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries

Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. If we don’t go along, our family, especially parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned. It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up. Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents

Healing a relationship begins with you – your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

• Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
• Cut-offs don’t heal you. You still need to recover your power and self-esteem.
• You are not your parents.
• You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is Based on Fake Facts.”
• You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
• Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice nonattachment.
• You can’t change or rescue family members.
• Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
• Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
• Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do

tart therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Raise your self-esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma. Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. With abusive and difficult parents, learn specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©DarleneLancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Have you met someone you thought was your soulmate just to find out that yes, the person is your soulmate, but he or she is also toxic? Just because you have met someone who fits the profile of a toxic soulmate, it does not mean that the only choice is to leave the person. I will tell you why in a minute.

I have clients who tell me that they met a great guy or gal but that they had to end the relationship because the new love was too toxic. Has this ever happened to you? Wait! Before you shut the door on someone who could prove to be a perfectly loveable person, listen to this: there is a simple psychology that can convert a toxic companion into a loving soulmate. Toxic soulmates, and toxic dates, are loveable. You just have to know how to help them in a manner that is non-threatening.

In this article, I will teach you, using a case study and effective relationship questions, how you can convert a relationship with a toxic soulmate into a healthy, long-lasting one.

When men or women have had a bad experience, they sometimes hold on to the emotional pain and may even bring up their experience during a date or other time when they are with their current love interest. No one wants to go on a date or be in the company of someone when they have to listen to the person rattle on and on about how bad men are or how stuck up women are. However, it is important to realize that the complaining is often a cry for love and attention-human beings are more fragile than we often realize. For others, it is simply a form of venting, and if allowed to vent, the person may get over his or her anger or disillusion and be able to have a lasting, healthy relationship.

Be patient. Try to walk in your soulmate’s or date’s shoes. How would you like to be treated if you had been abused or taken advantage of in a previous love relationship and then dumped? Not a great feeling, is it? Don’t leave the person who might be your soulmate until you have done your part by truly listening to find out what the problem is and then offering extra love and support. If nothing seems to work, consider your own health and well-being, and then leave the person if that is in fact the best option.

But often the toxic partner can change if you are willing to help him or her do so. If your soulmate is too toxic to love and to be with, if your date is nothing more than poison on two legs, don’t despair-there is light at the end of the tunnel. The experience I will share below will show you how you can help heal the person.

A client came to see me about how difficult it was for her to meet the right man. According to her, she had met a man whom she loved, but their relationship did not turn into marriage like she had hoped. Confused and discouraged, she told me that she was concerned that she would never find the right man. This woman seemed kind and sincere, and she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever had as a client. She was exotic and sultry, dripping with sex appeal. But men would not stay with her.

I began the counseling session by stating a simple request: Tell me how you feel about dating and relationships and about finding your soulmate. She began:

Client: Men are jerks. They just want sex. They don’t care about women.

Me: Why do you say that?

Client: Because every time I meet a man and we have a relationship, we always end up breaking up. I am worried that I will get old and not have any children.

Me: How so? Are you saying that just because the men you have met so far did not turn out to be what you wanted them to be, that all men are the same?

Client: Yes, they are. I am so sick of men; I don’t want to waste my time dating anymore. It’s just not worth it.

Me: But if you feel that way and say those kinds of things, what do you think will happen?

Client: I will not find the man I am ultimately looking for?

Me: You got it. You will block any chance you have to meet the type of man you want to be with, who will fulfill your needs-the kind of man you want to be with for forever. What concerns me is, how do you know that the next person you shut out is not your soulmate? What do you think you need to do to actually find that person, Efa?

Efa: Give men a chance?

Me: Bingo. What type of man are you looking for?

Efa: I don’t want a guy to take me to a movie or dinner. I want a man who likes to go out somewhere and just sit and talk. I want to be intellectually stimulated.

Me: What kinds of conversation do you have with the men you have dated? Is it anything like this: “Men only want sex.”

Efa: Yes, it is true. Men just want sex.

Me: Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps your dates leave because you are too critical of men, and tell them that all they want is sex?

Efa thought for a minute. I could see that she was beginning to understand what I was trying to explain to her. Then I continued our conversation.

Me: So if you met someone who could meet your needs, you would fall in love with him, wouldn’t you?

Immediately, Efa looked at me and smiled. Her teeth were pure white, and she had the most beautiful smile.

I told her, “Have you tried to audition for America Next Top Model” Efa informed me that a number of people had asked her the same question.

When we finally ended the session, I reinforced to her the principle that she must not judge all men as bad just because of a few she had met who had left her, and that she must stop telling her current love interest that all men are jerks, but that she must treat men as if they are wonderful, and then she would find a wonderful man.

In the conversation recounted above, it is obvious what the woman wanted. She did not want a relationship merely built on sex. She was looking to connect with a man on a different level-a higher level. She was looking for a soulmate with whom she could build a lasting relationship.

When you are on a date, if you meet someone who you feel is your soulmate but the person is toxic, get into the date’s or soulmate’s mind and find out two things:

First, what is really bothering the person? And second, what does the person really need, and how can you meet his or her needs in order to make a lasting love relation between the two of you possible?

By asking the important questions above and then really listening to your partner’s answers and by being understanding and patient and working to fulfill his or her needs, you can help a toxic date or soulmate become a loveable person for you..

The halogens are highly reactive elements and can be harmful or even lethal in sufficient quantities. It’s surprising to think that something as benign as table salt contains chlorine, which in its elemental form, is a poisonous yellow gas. Small amounts of bromine are used in halogen light bulbs and iodine is essential to health.

The 5 halogens are:

• Fluorine
• Chlorine
• Bromine
• Iodine
• Astatine

The halogens are nonmetals and are found in the environment only in compounds or as ions in many minerals and sea water. Their elemental name is derived from two Greek words, which when combined mean, ‘salt producing’. When combined with Hydrogen, the halogens form compounds called halides, a series of very strong acids, one of which is hydrochloric acid.

Fluorine

At room temperature, it is a pale yellowish- brown gas, one of the most reactive elements in existence. It is corrosive, poisonous, and highly toxic and even under cool, dark conditions, reacts explosively with hydrogen. Fluorine is so reactive that it is difficult to

find a container in which it can be stored safely. It is so powerful that if stored in ordinary laboratory glass, it can react, forming silicon tetrafluoride, a very toxic gas which if inhaled causes pulmonary edema which could lead to death. It must be handled with substances such as Teflon, extremely dry glass or metals, such as copper or steel, which form a protective layer of fluoride on their surface. Fluorine is very corrosive, burning the skin and eyes, and can cause respiratory problems if inhaled.

Chlorine

Is a highly toxic, pale greenish-yellow gas, which is about 2½ times as dense as air with a choking, disagreeably suffocating odor. The benign compound of chlorine and sodium has resulted in sodium chloride, our common but essential, table salt. Chlorine is a strong oxidizing agent and its container may explode if exposed to heat, igniting combustibles. It is used to produce many chemicals, including chloroform and carbon tetrachloride. It has been implicated in the destruction of the ozone layer in the atmosphere. Chlorine gas was first used as a weapon in World War I. It has reappeared in the Iraq War where chlorine bombs have been used by insurgents against the local population and coalition forces..

Bromine

Is a reddish-brown volatile liquid whose vapors are toxic and corrosive. It has a strong, disagreeable, choking odor, similar to chlorine. Its name is derived from a Greek word for’stench’ which aptly describes it. It is a powerful oxidizing agent and can explode violently if it contacts acetylene, ammonia, potassium, and quite a few other elements and compounds. It is very hazardous in contact with the skin, causing burns and blisters. If inhaled, its poisonous vapors can cause severe damage to the respiratory system.

Iodine

This grayish black solid is the least chemically active halogen. It is very corrosive and can cause dark staining of the skin, penetrating burns, irritation, and corneal damage to the eyes, which can lead to blindness. If inhaled, it is not as toxic as some of the other halogens but it can cause respiratory distress and may lead to severe respiratory problems. Iodine is a volatile solid that will explode if it comes in contact with bromine and certain other elements and compounds.

Astatine

This is the rarest occurring natural element and the scientists estimate that there is no more than 25 grams, less than an ounce, in the earth’s crust. It is radioactive and decomposes rapidly, making it difficult to study its properties. It exists in nature as a result of the decay of uranium and thorium.

After reviewing the properties of the halogens, it becomes very evident that they must be

handled carefully in the workplace. All of these elements present varying degrees of risk, ranging from the violent explosions of titanium tetrachloride to the dangers of dense clouds of hydrochloric acid gas.