Perhaps you have heard of Sisyphus. In Greek myth he was doomed to eternal struggle. Every day he would have to push a boulder to the top of a hill. Every evening the boulder would break free and roll down the hill. Poor Sisyphus was doomed to repeat this cycle endlessly, struggle to the top of the hill only to have to do it all over again. I do believe that nice guys often finish last and equate their struggles with women to poor Sisyphus. Toiling to conquer the women they desire, making headway, often to only to have their boulder come crashing down in the end. Read on to learn how to break this repetitive cycle and finally learn to keep your boulder on the top of her mountain(s).

The Struggle for Women

The Greeks were a dour lot, imagining all sorts of mischief on those who disobeyed their gods. (anyone who stood out) They did understand the human condition, though. Life is struggle and struggle makes life. Part of the fun of getting women is the challenge. If you want to be attractive to women you must remember that and reverse it. You must be a challenge. That means that being “too nice” is working hard against you, like gravity on ole Sisy’s boulder. To succeed you must work hard to put some sort of distance between you and her. Let her know you care, be a gentleman, be nice to a point, but do not be her doormat. Stand up for yourself. Do not give in to her every whim. Think of yourself first sometimes. It seems counter-intuitive but a little distance can make you closer. Make her respect you, not pity you.

The Art of attracting women

After thousands of years of pushing a boulder, I bet Sisyphus was ripped, had a great tan from being in the sun; he likely looked like a young Adonis but he couldn’t get women or keep his boulder up. Looks, money and physical attributes, they can surely help, but are far from being the most important things in getting women. Most of it is the big “A”: Attitude. Being confident, sure of yourself and your place in the world, being funny and charismatic. That is what women are looking for. Know yourself, don’t be scared of failure. Too much worry about failure impedes success. When you see a woman who interests you, approach the second you see her! Any delay simply gives fear a chance to creep into your heart. Women can be like sharks, they can scent that lack of confidence in the air the way a shark scents blood in the water. Even worse, if you completely lack confidence your chances would be better in shark infested waters than picking up that woman.

Since times immemorial, human consciousness has been deeply influenced and troubled by the primordial battle of the good against the evil. The human mind has resorted to varied genres and forms to narrate, symbolize and pass on the battle of the forces of the good and the evil. It is understood that almost every extinct or existent culture and civilization has its stories of creation in the backdrop of which are waged the battles of the light against the darkness. Literature being a salient form of human expression has always been concerned with this engrossing theme. The writers in English literature have resorted to varied methods to symbolize the fundamental concerns of the human intellect and its pivotal realities.

In that context, Beowulf, which stands out in the world of literature as one of the earliest Old English works of verse, explores the protagonist’s virtue and heroism from two different dimensions and tends to be a symbolic presentation of the struggle of the good against the evil, in which the poet successfully uses a range of literary and thematic devices to turn out the work into a piece that is amazingly illustrative, extremely engrossing and occasionally intimidating at one and the same time. In the first part of the story, the Beowulf that the reader sees is a man of unfettered spirit and in the second part, he matures into a man of wisdom and valour. In fact, the emphasis of the story [Line 25: “Behaviour that’s admired is the path to power among people everywhere.”] is more on virtue than on valour and that adds a human touch to it without which Beowulf would still be a hero – but just an ordinary hero.

For a work of literature to be able to present the battles fought between the good and the evil effectively, it is imperative to have a hero who is not only goodness incarnate, but also a larger-than-life character, having the requisite strength, character and worth to be able to stand up for the forces of the good. It is even more so in the Germanic tradition of story telling and in that sense, Beowulf is an exemplification of a perfect hero in every sense of the word. Though Beowulf is presented, in his encounters with Grendel, Grendel’s mother and the dragon, to the readers essentially as a formidable fighter, he is also endowed with immense character and virtue apart from his tremendous skill as an astute warrior, to keep crusading for the cause of the people to whom he owes his allegiance. The story is replete with instances and incidents that glorify Beowulf’s courage and ferocity typical of a great warrior.

Repeatedly, Beowulf is shown to challenge sea monsters, the embodiments of evil and filth and come out victorious against them. The other noticeable trait attributed to the character of Beowulf is that he is a staunch believer in the principle of fair fight and never resorts to guile or deceit to overpower the enemy. It is not just winning that matters but winning without losing grace that really matters [“Let whoever can win glory before death” (Lines 1387-88)]. The real value of the plot of Beowulf lies in the moral implications it has for the reader and not in the adventurous fights that seem to constitute it as exemplified in Hrothgar’s exhortation. He points to the danger of being carried away by success, which makes the success unsustainable [O flower of warriors, beware of that trap” (Line 1758)].

Another trait essential for a super hero to be as well as seem to be viable is to be endowed with abundant raw strength that is capable of subduing the evil. Beowulf dexterously fits into this ancient mould of combining strength and valour, which continues to be a timeless parameter of heroism in literature.

In the course of our life, we have to agree that there is no beauty without struggle. No one likes to hear the story of someone who got everything easily. People want to listen to the stories of men and women who, while born in the valley of struggle, endured pain and turned their battles into a gift.

So, how can you get stronger? What can you do transform struggle into beauty? Do you want people to look up to you? Or do you want people just to feel sorry for you?

Today or tomorrow, you might feel frustrated. Maybe your dreams are not a concrete reality yet. Your life or career may somehow have taken a wrong turn. But to change that, the first thing you have to do is to search within yourself. So, I will tell you a quick story about my unusual path of change and transformation from battles to beauty over the years.

If I relate this tale, it is because it is relevant to the subject of struggle, change, and beauty. The story begins as I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be and do something different than anyone else. But I just could not figure out what it was.

A Period Of Wandering and Struggle

Even to this day, all kinds of subjects interest me. In school, I liked biology. But growing up with horses, I naturally drifted into working with them. Then one day, after a few years, I was draft in the Soviet navy for three long years. I was sent away far from everything I cherished, near the Arctic pole.

At first, this news was like a punch in the stomach. But in the months that followed, I realized that I loved animals but entered a career that just did not suit me. It was merely a way to make a living and travel. This realization initiated a period of wandering and struggle in my life.

After my duty in the navy, I defected while in the USA, traveled all across North America and Europe, and worked at every conceivable job. I was a waiter in Florida, became a security guard in Belgium, worked as a zookeeper in Colorado, then change to be an assistant surgeon for a veterinarian. Then I entered the Hollywood film business where I worked as a figurant and stuntman, to then convert as a chauffeur in Russia.

The Beauty of It All

I also worked as a shoe salesman in Texas, served as a customer representative for a sightseeing tour in Austria. In between, I even wandered back to my native Ukraine where I operated as a chauffeur and bodyguard for escort girls, among other odd jobs. In these long years of wandering, struggle, and beauty, I had totaled over thirty different positions.

So, here I was 50 years old and unable to settle for anything. Yes, I had moments of doubt, but I did not feel lost. Instead, I was searching and exploring, and I was hungry for experiences. During all that time, I also loved writing. That year, while in Belgium, for yet another job, a friend gave me a book.

Suddenly, in reading it, every struggle and everything in my disjointed past seemed to click into place, like magic. The beauty of it all was the result of all of those various experiences. And so, the horses, the veterinarian, the zoo, the film industry, and oddly enough, even the escort job gave me the skills to create my future and get stronger.

The Moral of the Story

All of that experience gave me a vast storehouse of ideas that I could draw upon on. Even those indifferent, seemingly random jobs exposed me to every type of cultures, mentalities, and beliefs. And also the languages I learned while traveling taught me things.

All of these experiences added up to rich layers of knowledge and practice that altered me from the inside out. In my own bizarre and intuitive way, I gave myself the perfect education for what I am to do in my lifetime.

Now the moral of this story is that you might tend to fixate on what you can see with your eyes. As humans, it is the most animal part of our nature. When you look at the changes and transformations in other people’s lives, you see the beauty and good luck that someone had in being at the right place at the right time and disregard the struggle they endured.

Struggle Transforms into Beauty

You see the success that brings the money and the attention. In other words, you see the visible signs of opportunity and prosperity. You compare to the struggle in your own life, but you are grasping at an illusion. What allows for such dramatic changes are the things that occur on the inside of a person and are completely invisible.

So, the beauty is the slow accumulation of knowledge and skills, the incremental improvements in work habits and the ability to withstand criticism. Any change in people’s fortune is merely the visible manifestation of all of that deep preparation over time.

The answer, the key to the ability to transform struggle into beauty is insanely simple. You have to reverse your approach. Stop fixating on what other people are saying, doing or thinking. And end the focus on the money, the connections, or the outward appearance of things.

The Beauty is Looking Inward

Instead look inward! Focus on the smaller internal changes that lay the groundwork for a much larger shift in fortune. It is the difference between grasping at an illusion and immersing yourself in reality. And reality is what will liberate and transform you. Here is how this would work in your own life.

Primal Inclinations

Consider the fact that you are fundamentally unique and one of a kind. Look at the beauty of your DNA, the particular configuration of your brain, and your life’s experiences. In early childhood, this uniqueness manifested itself by the fact that you felt particularly drawn to specific subjects and activities. It is what the book “Mastery” calls primal inclinations.

You cannot rationally explain why you feel so drawn to music, or to words, or to particular questions about the world around you, or any other field.

As you get older, you often lose contact with these inclinations. The struggle comes when you listen to relatives who urge you to follow a particular career path. Or when teachers influence you, or by people that tell you what you are good and bad at. You listen to friends who tell you what is cool and not. At a certain point, you can almost become a stranger to yourself.

Reflect on Beauty and Struggle

And so, you enter career paths that are not suitable for you, emotionally and intellectually. The beauty of your life’s task, your true calling, or your purpose as I call it, is to return to those inclinations and in that uniqueness that marked you at birth.

And whatever age you find yourself, as I did, you must reflect back on those earliest inclinations. You must look at those subjects in the present that continues to spark that intense childlike curiosity in you.

And recap on the struggle of those subjects and activities that you have been forced to do over the past years. Based on these reflections, you determine a direction you must take. So, you have a loose but overall framework which you can explore to find the angles and positions that suit you best.

No Beauty without Struggle

You need to listen carefully to yourself, to your internal radar. For me, it was animal entertainment and Hollywood that did not feel right. And so, you move on slowly narrowing your path, all the while accumulating skills.

Yet, most people do not want struggle, but simple, direct straight lined paths to the perfect position and into success. But instead, you must welcome wrong turns and mistakes. They make you aware of your flaws. And they widen your experiences; they toughen you up and bring the beauty you desire.

If you come to this process at a later age, you must cultivate a new set of skills, just as I did. Get abilities that suits this change and direction you will be taking and find a way to blend them with your previous skills.

No Reward without Challenge

As the slightest opportunity comes your way, you will now exploit it. In fact, you will still struggle but will also attract new opportunities to you because people will sense how prepared you are. So, the way to transform yourself is through your work.

Of course, you might believe that that the beauty of self-transformation comes through a spiritual journey, therapy, a guru who tells you what to do, social experiences or even drugs. But it is not true because most of these are ways of running away from yourself. Instead, follow your inclinations, and you can become who you really are instead of trying to be someone else.

Efforts, challenges and hard times offer you much more value than any other time in your life. You cannot grow or get stronger without struggle and resistance. So be grateful for the beauty of it and work on yourself to ensure that your future gets more pleasure than pain and regrets.

Having trouble individuating creates a wide variety of problems. When you haven’t sufficiently individuated, it is often difficult to know what you want and need. If that is the case, finding satisfaction in life is not easy. You are stuck with questions such as: “What do I want?” “Do I like X?” “Should I be feeling this?” Marla* is an example of someone struggling with individuation.

Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a young woman who could find little satisfaction in her life. Her job as a computer programmer in a small retail company offered little satisfaction. She had one or two people at work whom she felt some connection to, but had no relationships with either of them outside of work. She had never been in a relationship with a man for more than two months. At the time she came to see me, she was using an internet dating service, but rarely found a man she was interested in. Her perfectionism resulted in her ruling most potential matches out as either not educated enough, not good looking enough, not rich enough. Marla had two friends from college whom she was in some contact with. One, Fred, was in a committed relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 years. The other, Connie was single and also using the internet to find a relationship. However, Connie frequently found men to go out with and was not as available for socializing with Marla as she would like. Connie was also (according to Marla) very beautiful and this created a lot of envy for Marla.

Marla had always found reasons for keeping relationships at a distance. Like many people struggling with individuation, she worried a great deal about whether people liked her and found it intolerable to imagine that anyone would have any negative feelings toward her. To assure that only positive feelings existed between her and her friends, Marla was pleasing, sensitive to what the other needed and was inclined to go along. She was not individuated. She had only a vague sense that she was paying a price for giving up her own desires.

Marla had a very close relationship with her parents who lived nearby Marla’s apartment. She frequently went home for dinner or went out with them to a concert or movie. Marla’s older brother, Ted, had moved to another state where he lived with his wife and two daughters. He had little contact with the family. Marla was seen by her parents as the good child. She was the one who stayed close to home and kept in close touch.

When Marla confided her unhappiness to her parents they would get impatient with her. They wanted her to do something to make herself more satisfied and found it hard to tolerate her unhappiness. They would often press her to follow up on job ads they would find on the internet or bring her catalogs they had obtained about graduate programs. Marla would describe to me how from the time she was a young child, her parents always did everything for her. They chose her clothes, had strong opinions about her friends, helped her extensively with her homework. Later, they picked her college and decorated her apartment. They still helped choose her clothes. When Marla would express a preference, she typically was told her choices were not the best ones. Marla’s mother was obsessed with Marla’s looks and suggested at age 15, that Marla get a nose job. When Marla agreed, her mother’s anxiety about the surgery pushed Marla into a series of panic attacks.

Some children learn from a very young age to be what and who their parents need them to be. In ‘wanting the best’ for their children, some parents don’t understand that they are interfering with their child’s ability to experience life by trial and error. Children need to discover what they like and how they feel. They need to develop the capacity to tolerate their own feelings and the negative feelings expressed by others in their lives. This is all part of the process of self discovery. It leads to feelings of self confidence and is part of the individuation process.

As we talked in therapy, Marla began to consider that she relied too much on her parents. However, she was conflicted since she was less anxious when she went along with their choices rather than make her own decisions. As we talked, Marla also began to discover that she was not very clear about what she wanted and so was very afraid of making the wrong decisions. She expected that her father, a very critical man, would berate her for doing the wrong thing. Our talking also helped Marla to become aware of how much she liked being the good daughter. It seemed like not developing an independent self was a small price to pay for being seen as the good daughter. It had been worth it. But now, at the age of 29, being the good daughter was not enough. However, she was terrified to give that up. She did not know that there might be options between being a bad daughter or a good daughter. But it was going to take time to tolerate the grays. Being the good child can often conflict with being oneself. Giving up the rewards that come with such a favored designation can be very difficult. The choice to remain who the parents see you as and want you to be is not easily surrendered.

It wasn’t easy for Marla to keep talking and to begin to take small steps to get to know what she wanted. She was clear that she wanted a relationship. But she had not recognized that a major difficulty that kept her from pursuing a relationship was her worry that she would be taken over or criticized by the other. She had no sense she could have her own thoughts and feelings in a relationship and not be told she was wrong. How could she feel okay in a relationship if she was different from her partner?

Marla is finding more men of interest in her internet dating and has come to understand that she was using her perfectionism to avoid a relationship. She is beginning to consider that she can have her own opinion or needs in relation to someone she is dating and that it doesn’t have to mean she will be criticized or rejected. Marla has also been working on saying NO to her parents. She has told them that she doesn’t want them to be looking for a job for her. Her parents responded well to her request.

As the individuation process proceeds, the self becomes increasingly aware of what is satisfying. The individual is learning what I want and desire, rather than what I am supposed to wish for. An individuated person is able to make choices and tolerate the consequences. Whether expressing or receiving negative feelings, an individuated person has enough confidence that they, the other and the relationship can survive.

* Names and identifying information have been changed to protect client confidentiality *

©Copyright 2010 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

One might be tempted to think that marriage power struggles are not that common, but anyone who has ever been in a relationship where one is present, is fully aware that this concept is very valid, troublesome, and as potentially destructive in this modern day, as it ever was!

Marriage power struggles go way beyond one person wanting to be the deciding factor in topics of disagreement– a true power-struggle exists when one partner insists on “running the show.” When this kind of marriage problem exists, the result is that there is really no “marriage relationship” at all, and the other partner begins to lose more and more of his or her personal selfhood.

Marriage power struggles usually begin from one person’s ingrained beliefs about what is “right.” Some extreme examples are when a man believes that he must assert his “dominate authority” over his wife and his home. On the opposite side of the same coin, is the idea that a “modern woman” is one-hundred-percent on her own, with little “use” for her husband’s authority. Needless to say, these are not very positive beliefs on which to build a marriage relationship that will last a lifetime!

When these extreme marriage power struggles exist, unless they are resolved there can be only two possible results– either the marriage will fail, or one spouse will fall apart. If both spouses have the willingness and motivation to resolve the marriage problems, as well as the intelligence and personality traits needed to make doing so possible, it can often be resolved. In many cases, however, marriage counseling is necessary– because it is very difficult to shake destructive beliefs from a person when he has held them for much of his life.

There are generally two forms of marriage power struggles.

1. The type where one person insists on “running things”.

2. The type where one person shuts the spouse out of his or her life.

The ability to resolve either problem rests in both spouses’ willingness and readiness to acknowledge two main points: first, that a true marriage “takes two”, and, as such, each person’s beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential; and second, that each is an individual person who cannot be taken advantage of, silenced, or dismissed.

Whether you have been married for a short period of time or many decades, a common factor in this problem is that many fail to recognize when a marriage power struggle becomes actual abuse. The sad part is that it often exists without a person being fully aware of it.

A marriage power struggle does not have to result in physical, sexual, or even verbal violence in order to be “abuse.” This fact is the reason why many– usually, but not always, women– are in the position of being abused for years and even decades. They believe, erroneously, that if the person has not hit them, they are not being abused.

However, even if a marriage power struggle never escalates to physical violence, other forms of abuse which often occur are equally devastating, and equally destructive. If this sounds odd, the fact is that if a person is abused for a period of time, it has a damaging effect on her mind, her emotions, and her self-esteem.

It is abuse if your spouse exerts control over you, your actions, your life; this can range from telling you what you can and cannot wear, with whom you can and cannot associate, or where you can and cannot go. It is abusive if he monitors your actions, your whereabouts, and your privacy. It is abusive if your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and needs are dismissed as irrelevant or inconsequential. It is abusive if you are frequently put-down, ridiculed, accused or threatened. It is abusive if you are made to feel that you are accountable to your spouse, or if you are made to feel weak, small, helpless, afraid, unintelligent, unattractive, or unworthy.

While these actions are the foundation of an extreme power-struggle, they are also abuse. It is not something which you should tolerate; it is not something which you should ask marriage advice from your friends about; it is a life-diminishing situation for which you need professional assistance.

Strength grows out of struggle. Moses was not born with a silver spoon. He was born to slaves and fortunate to be raised in the kings’ palace. He never knew what it meant to face adversity. He had everything he needed as an adopted son of the kings’ daughter.

Things changed for the worst when he attempted to fight for the right of his brethren. He killed to achieve that. He fled to exile when it occurred to him that people knew about the murder.

Fleeing from the palace where he had security and good things of life exposed him to the other side of life. He struggled to survive and took up a job as a shepherd. You imagine how difficult it is to suddenly become a sheep keeper from the status of a kings’ son.

For every struggle, their is a seed of equivalent benefit and opportunity. His own opportunity was to learn how to be patient and positively influence others. It took him 40 years to master the skill. He became a great leader and deliverer thereafter.

Does struggle or adversity has anything meaningful to contribute to our lives? What are the benefits and opportunities in struggle? We’ll find answers in this write up.

From the laboratory of Thomas Edison came the fluorescent lamp. He failed 10,000 times before he discovered the formula that worked. We may not bother ourselves with how many years that took him but one thing that is sure was that he contended with forces of failure and struggled to survive with great persistence. Each time he had failed, he told himself ‘i have discovered another method that doesn’t work’.

The strongest trees in the forest are not those most protected, they are those that must struggle against the elements and other trees and surmount them to survive.

Who says there is no benefits from struggle? Marthin Luther King Junior led the civil right campaign in America. Although killed at his prime, the struggle opened up new opportunities and doors of freedom for blacks. About fifty years later, the current American President-Barack Obama enjoys great benefits from that struggle.

Adversity opens up benefits of cumulative education as a result of the experience we gather. Struggle gives wisdom and strength sufficient for our needs. Nelson Mandela became highly influential and popular in South Africa and the world. He was elected as the first black President in that country-a direct benefit of the struggle but it never came on a platter of gold. He spent 25 years in the gulag as a result of his opposition to apatheid policy of Government.

Sorrow toughens the human spirit. Decide not to follow the path of least resistance in life. Without the strength of character that grows out of struggle, we would be mightily tempted to flow through life with little purpose or plan.

In the words of Napoleon Hill, ‘once we understand the broad purpose of life, we become reconciled to the circumstances that force us to struggle. As a result, we accept struggle for what it is -opportunity’.

One of the great benefits of struggle is that it forces us to move when we would otherwise stand still. This leads to the full realization that success comes only through struggle. Show me a successful person and I will show you someone who who has struggled in life.

Life is a struggle and the rewards go to those who meet difficulty face to face, overcome it and move on to the next challenge. Don’t avoid it. Embrace it and use it to help you learn, grow and succeed.

Every day was a struggle when I look back at the days that passed by; however, I feel that because of so many pains I feel like a rock and I always remembered the popular saying that says “A diamond always requires many strikes to luster” and went forward in life. Otherwise, I would not have been even what I am now. I always believed that “God” does not come in person to help us however he helps us through others and I quite believe it after many experiences and incidents such struggles should not waylay you; instead make you choose alternate paths so as to reach your destination. Life’s struggles have made me philosophical and I feel that even my writing has started to pick that trait. I feel quite happy for myself and thank god for giving me at least this opportunity because this is what life is all about with so many differences and you in the middle trying to always lean to greener side of it. On point is clear it is left for you to choose the right thing.

Therefore it is very important in our life to realize this and move forward.How do we go about doing this? is the next question? This world has already seen many great personalities live and we are not the first to have this idea.

The next thing I would like to put across is never fear to do something; if you still do that stick by it. You will reach your goal. If you don’t stand up for something you did, you will be the first one to fall!

When you’re single, and sexually frustrated, your mind can play some pretty nasty tricks on you. For one, you might start thinking that you’ll never meet somebody. If you aren’t careful, this can turn into a vicious, self fulfilling prophecy that will keep you lonely forever.

But realize this important fact: There’s nothing about reality that is keeping you in your present state. There is no conspiracy among females, the world isn’t against you. The Bilderberg group doesn’t meet every year in secret to keep you from getting laid. In fact, I’d lay odds that they don’t even know about you. In truth, the vast majority of the world doesn’t really care one way or another if you get laid or not.

So step one is break out of that mental rut. Stop thinking of all those horrible thoughts. Believe it or not, there’s tons of women out there that are just as desperate as you. Sure, they might not all be Victoria’s secret models, but who cares?

Remember, getting a girlfriend is a process. A mutually selecting process. You don’t show up and hope to be chosen. You meet as many people as you can, and be as friendly and outgoing as you can. Whatever you’re comfortable with. Some people will like you, some people won’t. Who cares.

Some of those people that like you will be girls. Some of those girls will be pretty cute. But guess what? Staying at home and reading articles on the Internet isn’t going to help. The only thing that is going to help is if you get out there and start meeting people.

Sure, you might not get a girlfriend tonight, but if you meet one person, even another dude, that’s a step in the right direction.

Having a decent set of social skills is crucial to being able to talk to girls. Just relax, get out there, and talk to people. Don’t expect everybody to like you. Don’t expect to fall in love within the next 24 hours.

Don’t go out every night with the intention of “hooking up,” getting numbers or even getting laid. Just go out and enjoy talking to other people.

The more you do this, the more friends you’ll make. The more friends you’ll make, the bigger your social circle will be. The bigger your social circle is, well, you get the idea.

Just forget about any kind of outcome, and have fun. You’re human. You’ve been hard wired by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution to get together with and enjoy other people.