The busyness and concerns of our day can have a dampening effect on our connection with reality and the connections with God that we established in our early morning prayer session. We started our day feeling right with ourselves, but the world of mankind that we interact with throughout the day may begin to wear against this. We may end up feeling a bit lost or frustrated, thinking about “getting out of this place,” or daydreaming of being in a different situation.

To regain our “grounding,” our effectiveness and creativity, along with a true understanding of the relationship of things in our field of awareness, we sometimes will need to pause during the day for a quick “reorientation.” These pause-to-refresh moments are sometimes referred to as “statio”. The spiritual discipline of statio is simply the discipline of taking a moment or two from the activities of the day to reconnect with reality, with God and the world around us.

Statio can come in many forms, but the idea is to employ similar methods used in early morning prayer. If you can find a moment alone, either at your desk, walking along a hallway, or sitting in your car, allow the current thoughts and worries of the day to flow through your mind until they begin to dissipate. Do not try to force them out or block them from coming. Gradually they will settle down. Remind them that you can deal with them later.

Next, get a feel for the day so far. Ask yourself something like, “How is this day (or moment) going for me right now? How am I feeling about it?” Be sure to ask the question from two perspectives: first, from your ego perspective, and second from your true self. Be honest with yourself. Often you will find that the answers between the two perspectives will be different. The things that are important to the ego are usually very different from the things that are important to your true self.

It is this difference that you are now defining that is probably the cause of your troubles this day. It is also very important to remember that this difference is purely ego-based.

This realization will often change your perspective as you re-engage the day and once again begin interacting with others. (And realize that you are often interacting with their egos, not their true selves.) Your behavior, and therefore the outcome of the day, will be much different following statio. This will help you be more present in each forthcoming moment, bringing a calmness to you and to others.

The practice of statio is meant to center us and make us conscious of what we’re about to do and make us present to the God who is present to us. Statio is the virtue of Presence.

How often do we do statio? Initially, it may have to be done frequently, depending on where we are in our spiritual journey and what the circumstances of the day happen to be. Over time, the need for statio will be less, because we will remain in the Presence more often and for longer periods.

How can I remember to do statio? Mostly this is a matter of monitoring our current state of mind and feelings during the day. Become an observer of yourself. If you are not at peace in the present moment, it may be time to try a little statio.

Watch for those openings in your hustle-bustle day where you can put the brakes on, pause for a moment, and remember who and what you really are!

(c) 2010 Daniel D. Schroeder

Because of their selfish nature (and I mean that in the least offensive way possible), rebound relationships can offer a lot of benefits. The right rebound fling can help boost your ego, get you out of the house and back on the social scene, and even help you forget about the ex-girlfriend who made you eligible for a rebound relationship in the first place.

Yet, lots of people opt to avoid rebound relationships, and for good reason – they can be miserable as easily as they can be fun.

If you’ve done – or are doing – and of the five following surefire goofs for screwing up a rebound fling, it’s probably time for you to get out and maybe even avoid rebound relationships altogether.

1. Start Taking It Seriously

If this isn’t already a no-brainer for you, you don’t need to get involved in a rebound relationship in the first place. Most guys who get involved with rebound flings do so because they need to “fix” something their ex-girlfriends broke when the dumped them. This might mean they need an ego boost, someone they can hang out with on Friday nights, or even just someone who will take their minds off how brokenhearted they feel.

This means rebound relationships generally take place right after – or very soon after – a break up.

So, getting serious about a rebound girlfriend is just asking for a whirlwind of trouble. You won’t admit it, but you’re probably an emotional wreck. All that emotional turmoil can lead you to “see” or “feel” things that just aren’t there. Plus, chances are you still have SOME feelings for your ex-girlfriend, and if you get serious about your rebound girlfriend you’re more than likely just transferring your feelings for your ex-girlfriend onto the rebound fling.

2. Start Showing Jealousy

Actually, that should probably just be “Start Being Jealous.” As I said above, a rebound fling is great for a few things. She can help you feel better about yourself, help you get out of the house more, and even help you see that there are other girls out there.

Fine.

But the minute you start getting jealous over things your rebound fling does or says, or other people she hangs out with, the relationship is no longer a rebound – it’s on it’s way to being serious.

3. Start Letting Yourself Go

Whether it’s your hair, your clothes, your body, your weight, or your – ahem – personal hygiene, if you start letting yourself go, it means three things:

1. You’re getting entirely too comfortable with your rebound girlfriend.
2. Your rebound girlfriend is very likely to kick you to the curb.
3. You’re well on your way to NEVER finding someone once you’re ready for another serious relationship.

Just because you now have someone paying attention to you doesn’t mean you’re allowed to get lazy.

4. Start Allowing Her to Act Like Your Girlfriend

You can think about this in two different ways:

1. If you’re allowing your rebound girlfriend to act like your ex-girlfriend – and by that I mean doing all the nagging, annoying, mothering things your ex-girlfriend used to do – then you’ve screwed up your rebound relationship.
2. If you’re allowing your rebound girlfriend to act like she’s your serious girlfriend – and by that I mean she wants you to meet her family, move in with her, and looking at wedding magazines – then you’ve screwed up your rebound relationship.

5. Start Sticking Around Once the Fun Is Gone

This is common sense, guys: A rebound relationship can provide a lot of things – misery included – but you shouldn’t hang around if any of those things are things YOU DON’T WANT – misery included.

If you’re more miserable with your rebound fling than you were by yourself – or with your ex-girlfriend – end it. Now. There’s no reason to have a rebound fling if it isn’t benefiting you in some way.

Your Present Moment Experience

The act of surrendering to the present moment requires letting go of resisting what is taking place in our life. As we do, the layers of judgement disappear and we discover the perfection of the present moment. Our judgements have a way of obscuring the gift offered to us in our moment-to-moment experience. Suffering takes place if we allow our judgement to get in the way of surrendering to the moment. Can you identify with this? Have you wanted to escape the present moment because it did not live up to your expectations? How did you overcome your resistance?

If we judge the present because it does not meet our expectations, we will suffer. The ego will try to convince us this moment is not what we wanted, and so we try to resist it. But we put our happiness on hold when we adopt this way of thinking because life is trying to unfold through us. We have little understanding of why things happen and our limited perception only sees what is taking place before us. We can’t possibly know whether an unwanted experience is likely to benefit us in the future.

Therefore, to surrender to the present moment without judgement requires dropping our resistance to how things should be. The ego likes to dominate our thoughts and in doing so, we experience fear, anxiety, anger, and resistance to something we don’t want. But if we recognise the ego for what it is; a saboteur trying to undermine us, we can distance ourselves from becoming entangled in its web. The way out of the ego trap is to shift our attention back to the present moment and notice our surroundings. For example, when you are caught up in thoughts of despair and judgement, thank your mind for trying to distract you and reconnect back to the present moment.

To achieve this, focus on your breath and the sensations it creates within your body. Notice objects around the room you are in. For example, a practice I often undertake when caught up in negative thinking is to walk around the room and touch different objects, noting their texture and the sensations they evoke within me. I try to be mindful of my breathing and anchor myself to the present moment instead of allowing my mind to pull me into the future or the past. Your present moment experience needn’t be perfect, but by surrendering to it, you loosen its grip and allow life to reveal itself through you. Life has a good handle on its role because it has a resume spanning 14 billion years of experience. You and I only have decades of experience, so we must trust life knows what it is doing despite our resistance.

Judgement Is Ego Based

Are you comfortable with these ideas so far? Can you see that trying to manipulate the present moment delays your happiness and prolongs your suffering? I’m not asking you to be apathetic about what is taking place in your life. I’m calling you to surrender your thoughts about what shouldn’t be taking place and trust in a greater intelligence to function as it should. Judgement is ego based, which thrives on controlling a situation it has no power over. In contrast, spirit (heart-based awareness), observes what is taking place and demands nothing of you. We experience suffering when the egoic voice dominates our inner talk, without us being mindful of it. We might perceive the egoic voice as our own because we haven’t learned to distinguish it from the voice of spirit.

To illustrate with an example, when you were young, you might have had a more dominant parent compared to the other. Naturally, you learnt to distinguish each parent’s role in your life i.e., strict vs easy-going parent. In my case, my father had a strong disciplining role in my life, whereas my mother offered quite encouragement and support. Each parent had a unique role to play in my life. Therefore, I likened my father’s parenting to the voice of the ego and my mother’s role to the voice of spirit. You might have your own way of discerning the difference between ego and spirit. When you understand how each communicates to you, it will help you distinguish truth from falsehood.

Surrender Is An Act Of Love

Surrendering to the present moment without judgement requires anchoring ourselves to what is taking place here and now. Surrender is an act of love because we trust life to give us what we need instead of believing we know what is best for us. Undoubtedly, we know what is best for us to feed and nurture ourselves. But on the level of personal growth and soul expansion, we are limited in our knowledge and hence why life intercedes, to give us experiences outside our comfort zone.

To put this into perspective, I never imagined my father would pass away when I was 26 years old. I never envisaged at 29, I would be diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. These experiences and others pushed me to grow and evolve well beyond my comfort zone and taught me the power of trusting life. They taught me the art of surrender because what I believed was good for me was not necessarily valuable to my soul’s evolution. So now, I’m inviting you to surrender your heart to the present moment without judgement. Trust that every experience from this moment forward will be perfectly orchestrated for your highest good. You may not see the lessons immediately, but if you trust in that knowing, you will look back, knowing everything happened for your greatest good.

Considering this, I invite you to focus on how you can surrender to the present moment in your daily life. What can you do to be more grounded in the here and now? Earlier, I gave you an example of an exercise that involved noticing your breath and touching objects in the room. Use this practice to connect to your now experience. Other useful ways involve journaling and meditation. Whatever you decide, reclaim your power instead of letting your mind carry you into judgement and despair when things don’t go your way. After all, when we surrender our heart to the present moment, we discover the essence of life coalescing to bring into existence life’s beauty and majesty. If we resist these moments, we miss out on the miracles unfolding before our eyes.

One of the questions that I get asked very frequently from guys  is how they can get girls to like them. Men often wonder if they can make an impression on women so great that will make the women think about them long after they met them. This is a common sticking point for most men – and those who do not find much success with women blame factors such as lack of money or good looks. The thing is that it really has little to do with looks or money. Rather, it has everything to do with how good you are at making the woman FEEL about you. Read on to discover the most effective tricks and tactics you can use to make a girl like you in a matter of seconds…

2 Tricks You Can Use To Make Any Girl Attracted To You

Trick Number One – “The Mystery Trigger”. Tell her that you noticed something about her which is interesting – however, you cannot say it. This is a powerful trick which will make her think about you all the time. This works because it increases her level of curiosity, and the same time boosts her level of attraction to you too. She will remain interested in you as long as you keep being mysterious to her.

Trick Number Two – “The Ego Dumper”. She is used to getting all the attention to herself. Therefore, lower down her ego levels a little. Talk to her friends and ignore her in a group. This will make her feel a little jealous and at the same time try to gain your attention. Remember – anything that is scarce is valuable. Make yourself unavailable and your ‘value’ will skyrocket.

Transactional Analysis: supporting people through rapid change

Transactional Analysis is a theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne (1910-1970) in the 1950’s. The theory is underpinned by the philosophy that people can change and that we all have a right to be in the world and be accepted.

The theory originated in the context of hospital psychotherapy but has since found application in individual therapy and organisational development. Transactional Analysis relies on clear contracts and employs concepts of ego states, different types of transaction, life positions, scripts, strokes, games, to identify ways in which we can change our thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

There are three major schools of thought: the Classical school, representing Berne’s work (1961, 1964, 1966) and those closely aligned with him, the Redecision school, based on the work of the Gouldings (1979), and the Cathexis scool, based on the work of Schiff (1975) and her associates.

Transactional Analysis is a contractual approach. A contract is “an explicit bilateral commitment to a well-defined course of action” (Berne, 1966). Contracted coaching and counselling goals are positively framed, tangible and feasible.

One of the building blocks of Transactional Analysis is Berne’s (1964) concept of ego states, used to help understand how we are made up, and how we inter-relate. Ego states are called Parent, Adult, and Child and each ego state is given a capital letter to denote the difference between actual parents, adults and children.

The Parent ego state is a set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that we have learnt from our parents and significant other figures of care or authority. As children we take in lessons, feelings and actions from our caregivers, introjecting these in their entirety and reproducing aspects through our own adult behaviour. Whilst consciously we may not choose to, at times we find that we sound like our parents or behave as one of our teachers. The Parent ego state can be nurturing or critical – as we replay ways of taking care of or instructing others. And each aspect can be positive or negative – we may be considerate or smothering, and protective or oppressive.

The Adult ego state is a direct response to the here and now. We deal with things that are going on today in ways that are appropriate to the current situation and not influenced unhealthily by past experience. When in our Adult, we see others for who they are, not what we project onto them. We ask for information rather than make assumptions.

Using our past experiences to appropriately and accurately inform our Adult enables us to integrate the positive aspects of our Parent and Child ego-states and is known as the Integrating Adult (Berne, 1961). Spontaneity and intimacy in our Adult ego state allows us to experience life in its reality and to use our experiences to continually update ourselves.

The Child ego state is a set of behaviours, thoughts and feelings which are replayed from our own childhood. As a six year-old child, for example, you may have felt insecure or unsafe in new groups. As you enter new groups today, you may re-live some of those childhood fears about fitting in, and you may re-experience some of your six year-old beliefs about your place in a group. You might try to deal with the present-day situation in the same way that you did as a child – whether that is to withdraw, or to play the fool to find acceptance. As a strategy, this may still be useful today in certain circumstances, but there will be other times when this response is no longer appropriate or helpful and an updated response may get you closer to what you want.

Berne (1961) describes a transaction as a unit of social intercourse, consisting of a stimulus and a response. Transactions can occur simultaneously at both explicit and psychological levels, for example, a caring question with a sarcastic undertone. In Transactional Analysis, we attend to both the social and ulterior reading of transactions.

Knowledge of ego states enables us to understand the social and psychological flow of communication. If both parties address the ego state the other is in, this is known as a “complementary transaction”. For example:

Employee A: “Have you managed to finish that report?” (Adult to Adult)

Employee B: “Yes, I am about to e-mail it to you.” (Adult to Adult)

This is an example of Adult to Adult communication. However, with different intention and emphasis, this could also be an example of complementary Parent to Child communication.

Employee A: “Where is that report!” (Parent to Child)

Employee B: “Leave me alone! I’m busy – I’ll do it later!” (Child to Parent)

As long as transactions are complementary, a psychological balance will be maintained and communication will flow indefinitely.

If parties address ego states other than the one their partner is in, the result will be a “crossed transaction” and will typically be experienced as a breakdown in communication. Using the example above:

Employee A: “Have you managed to finish that report?” (Adult to Adult)

Employee B: “Leave me alone! I’m busy – I’ll do it later!” (Child to Parent)

Crossed transactions can lead to a collapse in communication but can also be used positively, to break a cycle of inappropriate communication:

Employee A: “Where is that report!” (Parent to Child)

Employee B: “I am about to e-mail it to you.” (Adult to Adult)

Resisting the invitation to respond from Child and choosing to communicate from Adult may feel unnatural but can help to manage a potentially inappropriate and unproductive workplace interaction.

A third type of transaction is known as a “duplex” transaction, in which the overt social message is accompanied by a covert psychological message. On the surface, communication may appear to be Adult to Adult but the undercurrent may be one of exploitation or one-upmanship and will impact on interpersonal relations. For example:

Employee A: “Have you managed to finish that report?” (Adult to Adult words), with a flirtatious smile (Child to Child)

Employee B: “No, I will need to stay late tonight.” (Adult to Adult words), with a wink (Child accepts the ulterior invitation)

Behind transactions, lies the Transactional Analysis theory of “life positions” (Berne, 1962/1976). The four life positions are possible viewpoints from which we each experience and anticipate life and which will affect every dyadic transaction we make:

1. “I’m Not OK, You’re OK” (I-U+)

2. “I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK” (I-U-)

3. “I’m OK, You’re Not OK” (I+U-)

4. “I’m OK, You’re OK” (I+U+)

Depending on the way in which we view ourselves and others, we will spend more or less time n each of the four positions. In Transactional Analysis, the goal is to live and function more from an I+U+ position and to transact from an Integrated Adult ego state, drawing on our Parent and Child ego-states as appropriate, in order to foster healthy relationships and communication.

Our preferred life position is a product of early life experiences, distilled into early life decisions, known in Transactional Analysis terms as our “script” (Steiner, 1966). Our script is the life plan we have written for ourselves in early childhood. It acts as a blueprint for how we believe we are to be and how we believe our life is to play out.

We develop this script in early childhood, based on the best course of action available to us then, and without a fully functioning Adult ego-state, hence our script may prove to be outdated and unhelpful as adults in the present.

Goulding & Goulding (1976) identified twelve injunctions which may be introjected into the Child ego state from early life experiences and be built into an individual’s script:

1. Don’t be (don’t exist)

2. Don’t be who you are (Don’t Be You)

3. Don’t be a child

4. Don’t grow up

5. Don’t make it in your life (Don’t Succeed)

6. Don’t do anything!

7. Don’t be important

8. Don’t belong

9. Don’t be close

10. Don’t be well (don’t be sane!)

11. Don’t think

12. Don’t feel

To exist in spite of our injunctions, we will use one or more of five “drivers” (Kahler & Capers, 1974) or “working styles” to help us navigate through life and others’ expectations. There are:

1. Be perfect

2. Be strong

3. Try hard

4. Please others

5. Hurry up

Each working style will have positive and negative attributes. An individual with a Be Perfect style will produce accurate and detailed work, however may punish themselves and others if they do not meet their exacting standards. A Be Strong style will make an individual highly effective under pressure and will generate a sense of security, yet they may over-burden themselves or appear detached from their feelings and critical of playful behaviour in others. A Try Hard style will mean an individual is able to gather lots of new ideas and launch many new projects but they may spread themselves thinly and be unable to finish everything that they start. An individual with a Please Others working style will make a great team member. They will aim to please everyone, but not necessarily through questioning and accurate understanding what is required. They may not demonstrate the ability to make decisions, preferring to be led, and may not share their opinion, preferring to be liked. A Hurry Up style will enable an individual to deliver results quickly. However this individual may seem dismissive, overlook important details or make superficial changes.

Drivers can be of great use as they equip us with a shorthand set of skills upon which we can rely in times of stress. It is important to be able to understand our adopted Drivers in order to optimise their strengths and pay attention to their limitations; to be catalysed by them when appropriate, rather than driven by them by default.

Scripts and drivers apply to groups as well as individuals. A team, department or entire organisation can further a script and foster certain preferred driver behaviours, hence we may see a company which thinks and behaves as the ‘underdog’ in the market and which ‘tries hard’ in order to succeed. Or a team may believe it is the backbone of the organisation and will ‘be strong’ for other departments. Teams and organisations may, out of awareness, recruit like-minded individuals to further an unspoken ‘life position’ and in doing so, may entrench existing limiting beliefs. Bringing these patterns into the awareness of management functions can help to develop fully-functioning, balanced teams and challenge cultural assumptions, in order to realise an organisation’s full potential.

In Transactional Analysis, “strokes” is the term given to units of recognition (Steiner, 1974). Research has shown that mammalian babies rely on physical contact to survive and develop. The need to be touched outweighs the importance of whether the feelings it generates are pleasurable or painful and some negative contact will be of greater value than none at all. We all have certain strokes, or compliments, that we will accept and those that we will reject. If an individual has grown up being told she is caring and her brother has been told that he is bright, she will be likely to continue accepting strokes for caring behaviour but not for intellectual achievement. In her frame of reference, she is not the clever one.

Claude Steiner’s (1974) theory of “stroke economies” presents that, as children, we grow up with a set of rules around the giving and receiving of strokes:

o don’t give strokes when we have them to give

o don’t ask for strokes when we need them

o don’t accept strokes if we want them

o don’t reject strokes when we don’t want them

o don’t give ourselves strokes

Through a therapeutic coaching or counselling contract, we can work to update these rules to become unrestrictive and so, we can:

o give strokes when we have them to give

o ask for strokes when we want them

o accept strokes if we want them

o reject manipulative strokes

o give ourselves positive strokes

We can create an environment in which we are able to give and receive strokes less conditionally, limitlessly and in the here and now, as our present selves.

Our frame of reference, generated by our script decisions, and the strokes we expect to receive can lead us into patterns of behaviour in which we always seem to illicit a certain response from others, or end up in similar situations.

When similar situations keep happening over and over again, we call this a “game” (Berne, 1964) in Transactional Analysis terms. A game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. We play games outside of our awareness and with a variety of positive, albeit flawed, intentions (ibid.):

o to maintain our script beliefs and so keep people predictable

o to avoid challenge to our frame of reference, which would feel uncomfortable

o to give people a way of relating, albeit an inauthentic way

o to give us something to talk about

o to obtain strokes, albeit negative ones

o to maintain our life position and reassure our Child with a familiar world view

We may unconsciously play games as our best attempt to get our genuine needs met and perhaps finally to get the different response or outcome we seek – however, through games this is rarely the payoff and we are more likely to reinforce our limiting script beliefs. It may feel safer to have our insecurities and life-limiting beliefs confirmed, than to experience the existence of new, unchartered possibilities for thinking, feeling and behaving.

Games vary in the length of time that passes while they are being played. Some can take seconds or minutes while others can last years. As long as we are game-playing, out of awareness, we are denying ourselves the opportunity for genuine and psychologically intimate relationships. Transactional Awareness therapy can help an individual to bring their awareness to the game and choose a different outcome.

There are various ways to stop a game, including the use of different options than the one automatically used. We can cross the transaction by responding from a different ego state than the one the stimulus is designed to hook. We can look out for the ulterior message rather than the social statement and respond to this instead. For example:

Employee A: “I need that report! Where is it?”

Instead of automatically responding, snappily, “I’m working as fast as I can!”, or meekly, “I’m sorry, I’ve been really busy, I’ll do it straight away”, instead try saying from your Adult “it sounds like you are feeling panicky, what’s going on?”

A game will always open with a “discount” (Schiff et al., 1975). This is when we ignore or minimise some aspect of reality about ourselves, others or the situation which would help us to problem-solve. If at work, we feel that we are overwhelmed with projects, we may complain to colleagues, affect home relationships through working excessive hours, or call in sick – we discount our ability to seek support, renegotiate deadlines or clarify expectations. If we learn how to recognise a discount, we can identify the invitation into a game and use our Adult to explore options for resolution, rather than replay automatic behaviours and outcomes.

Game playing provides us with strokes, even if these are negative. If we don’t receive enough positive strokes we will prefer these negative game-strokes to receiving none at all. By ensuring that we give and seek sufficient positive strokes we can resist the pull to use games to this end.

Transactional Analysis has found many applications due to its clarity and relevance to a wide spectrum of human behaviour. Its accessibility and action-focus has proved beneficial in supporting people through rapid change, across settings of education, training, coaching, management and personal development.

Contact us to find out more about Transactional Analysis and how it could benefit you or your organisation.

Bibliography:

Berne, E. (1961), Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. London: Souvenir Press

Berne, E. (1976). Transactional Analysis Bulletin (Selected Articles from Volumes 1 – 9). San Francisco: TA Press (Original work published 1962).

Berne, E. (1964), Games People Play. New York: Grove Press

Berne, E. (1966), Principles of Group Treatment. Menlo Park, CA: Shea Books

Goulding, R. and Goulding, M. (1976), “Injunction, decisions and redecisions,” TAJ 6(1), 41-8

Schiff, J. et al. (1975), The Cathexis Reader: Transactional Analysis Treatment of Psychosis. New York: Harper & Row.

Steiner, C. (1966), “Script and counter-script,” TAJ 5 (18), 133-5.

Steiner, C. (1971), “The stroke economy,” TAJ 1 (3), 9-15

How can you tell when you receive a message that comes from intuition or mind chatter, i.e. – Ego?

Intuition has a different vibration. It supports you. And it speaks the truth. And it wants to lead you in the right direction – even if it is something that you don’t want to hear.

Mind chatter which can be also known as Ego. It speaks of fear. Its job is to keep you stuck. It wants you not to trust.

The easiest way to recognise it is when it first comes to you. When it first comes to your mind, it is an instant thought, vision and feeling.

Not long after, the mind chatter will come along and want to tear that message apart. It will put doubts in your mind. It will make you question what you first felt. It will make you feel fear.

Many people will interpret intuition differently. Some may have a strong sense. Get shivers up their body. Have an instant knowing, without know how or why. See a vision. Hear a word (usually in their own voice). And much more.

So why do many follow fear instead of intuition?

It is usually because the thing that they are asking their intuition about, they are too emotionally enrolled in. So thinking clearly will alter their belief.

Intuition is not about the head. It is about the heart and about the Soul.

For your intuition is being brought to you by your Spirit Guides, your Higher Self and your Soul. The parts of you that knows best and that can see ahead.

Intuition will not always tell you what you want to hear.

For e.g. if there is something that you want to know about and you are very much emotionally invested in it, then you will most probably want to hear a yes. But what if your intuition said no, and that was the best way forward for you? Would you take notice of that answer? Or would you keep asking until you got a yes which came from your Ego anyway?

All the answers are never revealed when we want them to be. We are given fragments like a puzzle. This puzzle makes sense further on. When we look back and join all the pieces together, that is when we will see the whole picture.

Intuition is about trust. Trust in the unknown. Trust in you. Because these messages really come from you. Your Soul wants to lead you. And so does Ego…

Ego is fighting for attention. The Soul is quietly whispering in your ear, encouraging you and guiding you to the best pathway for your evolution.

The Ego just wants to win. Be on top. Be heard. Because the Ego is made of fear and insecurity. The Ego needs acknowledgement.

The Soul does not need an audience. Just you. It needs you to hear it.

The Soul flows with grace. It is calm, patient and loving.

The Ego is a tyrant and can get nasty and will do what it needs to, in order to lead you off in the wrong direction. It is not loving at all. It is just a nuisance.

So listen to your intuition, which is your Soul.

Your Soul always guides you.

If it is not from within you, it is from without you.

Your intuition will send you the answers via your emotions, mind, heart and soul. It will also show you with your eyes and ears. It will bring you messages you can hear -via other people, TV, radio, songs, words etc. And it will show you with sight, by seeing signs all around you, dreams, pictures etc.

The key is to pay attention. Ask a question.

Usually the immediate first answer you receive is the right one. Does it feel right? Or is it a forced answer?

If you are not sure, let it go and ask again. And again another sign will come. And never from where you think it will come.

You can connect into your own GPS. It works. Just turn up the dial. Your Soul will always be guiding you gently while your Ego screams to be heard.

When you quiet the Ego, the Soul can be heard more clearly.

What would you rather lead you? An insecure tyrant or a loving, peaceful guide?

You choose.

The Psychodynamic theory, founded by Sigmund Freud explains human personality as an assimilation of human behavior, feelings, and emotions. Each of these is guided by psychological forces which are derived from a complex relationship between the unconscious and conscious mind. Childhood experiences are responsible for how this relationship develops; therefore an understanding of the psychodynamic theory can help parents raise their children in a better way.

According to the psychodynamic theory, the unconscious mind comprises of two opposing psychological forces: “id” and “super ego”. The conscious mind is driven by the psychological force termed as the “ego”.

The id refers to the part of the unconscious mind that is characterized by instinct and irrationalism. It is based on the “pleasure principle” and is the only psychological force that is functional since birth. The id is responsible for the needs and desires of every individual. For example, feelings of hunger, sexual desire and aggression are all products of the id’s functioning. Psychologists believe that the minds of criminals, delinquents and psychopaths are controlled by the id, which causes them to try and achieve their goals (wants and desires) by any means. The id will ensure that the individual gets what he wants irrespective of whether his acts are rational and ethical.

The super ego is the force that develops as a result of the values and morals that one picks up or is taught as his mind begins to gain consciousness. The unconscious mind learns concepts of right and wrong, good and evil, as well as feelings such as shame and pride. All these form what is commonly known as one’s “conscience.” The super ego is what causes people to feel guilty after committing a crime or sin. Psychologists believe that people who tend to be too pious, or are very stringent and hard on themselves have over-powering super egos. If the super ego is allowed to reign supreme, anxiety issues are likely to develop. The stress inflicted on the mind by the super ego may result in depression and other mental disorders and those who commit suicide as a result of being too self reproachful are believed to have dominating super egos.

The “ego” is the force that tries to reason with the id and super ego. The conscious mind functions on the basis of the ego. A well developed ego creates a healthy equilibrium in the elements of the unconscious mind by trying to please both the id and super ego. It will try to achieve what the id wants by incorporating the beliefs that are put forward by the super ego. In doing so, it prevents feelings of guilt while ensuring that the id is content. Thus the individual does not experience stress from deprivation or sin.

Since the relationship between the id, ego and super ego is primarily developed in early childhood, psychologists encourage parents and secondary care givers to focus on the development of the “ego.” At every developmental stage in life, it is essential to help children understand that desires are natural; they are not wrong because they are a part of their being as created by the Higher Powers. However desires do need to be tamed. Often parents try to reinforce concepts of morality and ethics beyond what is necessary. Alternatively some parents never say “no” to their children and this encourages the id to reign supreme. A healthy upbringing is one in which a delicate balance is maintained between correcting/controlling your child and allowing the child to follow his/her heart.

There are a couple of loopholes in the law of attraction that will allow you to get faster results with the law of attraction. These loopholes are natural parts of the law of attraction, but are seldom discussed or talked about. Developing an understanding of these loopholes will allow you to sky rocket your results and attract and manifest what you want faster than you could ever imagine. Here they are:

1. Ego can be your friend, or your enemy. Ego is that little part of our brain that allows us to differentiate things. It labels a table as a table, or a car as a car. It’s job is to allow us to navigate the world through association. The problem is that ego needs attention, and a lot of it.

Ego feels the need to be noticed, to be known. It’s that part of us that refuses to be wrong. It needs to be right, all the time. Even when it’s wrong. This can be a problem for us if we don’t keep ego in check. It’s good that ego is there. Without ego, we would forget that fire is hot, or that there are people who are willing to lie and manipulate. But we can’t let ego rule.

For many people, ego rules. We must learn to let ego be right, but allow ego to be right in ways that serves us. When working with the law of attraction, we must teach ego that staying focused on what we want, and knowing that we have it now is the correct answer. Ego wants to say that it’s not ours yet and it’s still in the future. Convince ego that it’s already yours, and allow ego to run rampant in this way.

2. Emotions are our friends, and our addictions. Each and every one of us is addicted to our emotions. Some of us are more addicted to negative emotions than others, but everyone is addicted to emotions. They can also be our friend, or our enemy.

We cannot even direct our eyes or hear a sound without having an emotional response to that stimuli. The problem is that many people have become addicted to emotions that do not serve them or that cause them to keep repeating the same reality over and over again. We must learn to develop emotional addictions to emotions that will move us in the direction we want to go.

The more we feel happy, joyful, excited, passionate, the more we become addicted to those emotions. Continuously feeling these emotions allows us to develop an addiction for those emotions and allows us to attract what we want into our lives faster. The problem for most people is that they are addicted to negative emotions and continue to attract negative situations and circumstances in their lives.

3. The first step is always the hardest, but the most rewarding. Everyone has had the experience of pushing something. Let’s take a car for example. We all know that a car sitting still in neutral is difficult to get moving. But once it’s moving, we just have to keep pushing.

Advancement and the law of attraction is the same. Many people will get started and barely get it moving before they give up. They never give themselves a chance to start recognizing and seeing any progress. They expect to get instant results and completely undo years upon years of programming in just a few days or weeks. This is unrealistic as an expectation.

We have to undo specific habits, specific thought patterns, specific emotional addictions in order to start making real progress. This takes a little bit of time and a lot of practice to do. There are techniques that the Wealthy Life Secrets program offers to help speed this up exponentially, however, it still takes a little bit of time and practice.

We must start though, and we must keep pushing. We wouldn’t start pushing our car if it broke down on a four lane highway and give up after five steps because it got a little bit difficult. We would keep pushing until it was some place that others are much less likely to hit it.

The same is true for the law of attraction. We must keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing until we get to where we need to be and are able to naturally create and manifest the life we want to live in the shortest amount of time possible. At a certain point, you will simply manifest those things you desire with very little to no effort, simply because you have habituated the ability to feel, think, and be as you need to in order to manifest.

The Buddha spoke of suffering. Is this a good way in to explaining the “spiritual” in psycho-spiritual? Why, for example, should an atheist or a person without any practicing faith come to see a psycho-spiritual therapist? Is it necessary to be on a spiritual quest of some kind or might the client might be moved to practice spiritually as a result of therapy?

Everyone who is living and breathing has some experience, some sense, of something that is dear to them, which they prize and honor, something they revere or respect, someone they love and perhaps a person or a cause they would give their life for. Therefore everyone has some idea of the spiritual, that which is beyond the common sense of self as a self-serving entity engaged in survival and personal pleasure. The psychologist Jung went a step further and claimed from examining a huge number of dreams from different times, cultures and moralities and value systems, that humankind share a collective unconscious that is inherited and expressed in commonly recurring symbols and archetypes.

Everyone has a spiritual side, although they may call it by a variety of names; everyone values something or someone above themselves, even if it’s science, philosophy, the state of the world or ecology. But today we may well ask, “Isn’t science the new religion?”

The usurping of religion by science is the result of a pointless desperate conflict, in which human beings try to discover the “right” answer without any regard for the variety and the multi-layering of reality and their composite experience. For example, science cannot say very much about what is intuitive and instinctive, let alone what is numinous and in a completely different realm to the kinds of phenomena that science seeks to observe and measure. The spiritual, the transcendent and the divine are beyond words and experience. It is pointless to try to convince someone who is scientifically minded of the truth of spiritual, numinous events, just as it is futile to try to convince a spiritually-minded person of the absolute truth of science.

What happens when a scientist comes to you for therapy? Do they see another side to life? The pursuit of the inner realms, the experience of inner processes and the understanding of inner objects and their significance may be interpreted in any number of ways that are personal to the experiencer, to the client. Many a numinous experience has been minimalized and reduced to an emotional or instinctive, neurological event by the scientifically minded client. But we are all different, which is one of the wonders of being human; the differences, the variety, the uniqueness and the individual contribution each person makes to the whole.

Spiritually everyone one of us has an individual, unique contribution to make to the whole. But alongside this assertion is the idea that the end of spiritual attainment is to share in a common essence, which is sometimes called unity consciousness. One characteristic of religious cults is that everyone starts dressing, behaving and even thinking the same. So where are the individual’s unique human qualities in that?

Religious or spiritual cults have led to a sheep mentality. As in all walks of life and all pursuits, you have a very few people who remain questioning and non-conformist enough — free of the schizoid tendencies to feel insecure about belonging and fitting in — to withstand the collective power of the status quo, even when it is intensely weird, inhumane and corrupt. But everything that takes place in the name of spirituality is not necessarily any more spiritual than a political rally, a football supporters’ meeting, or even a drunken night out. All these pursuits invite and insist on a certain relinquishing of one’s individuality and embracing the ethos of the collective.

But in psycho-spiritual therapy work resolving childhood needs and desires are a primary concern. We work first with the unfinished business of personality, because only when the ego is fully formed and healthy do you have anything to surrender to the spiritual fire. The fulfillment of the ego is found in the ego’s surrender or relinquishing, because you are much more than the ego allows you to be. So this is a radical transformation that is achieved by locating yourself in your true center.

A person is more than their ego. This is apparent in quite ordinary acts of loving and sacrifice, even pleasure. But transcending the ego is a tall order for most people. In the pursuit of spirituality in the modern world it is important to remember that the early and deeply profound teachings of ancient spirituality did not have to deal with the central issue we have today and that is individualism. The modern world (and I don’t think we have to say western, as if it’s different from eastern; western and eastern dichotomies have always been confusing because the divide is more cultural and political than geographical) has progressively centralized the individual, so we have an attack of the ego forces nonpareil. No time in the past has ever had to face this issue and certainly not 3000 years ago in the Indus valley for example when your caste and station in life was very set and, unless you were aristocratic or of the priest class, you were involved in subsistence, in survival.

Today we have leisure, recreation, choice — even spirituality has become a tourist industry!

So we have to look at what the individual means in terms of spirituality. The spiritual path in the modern world is individual in nature and approach. First, this is obvious because you notice that people pic’n’mix their spiritual philosophy and methodology. This has its own difficulties; you follow Buddhism until you come across something you don’t like, then you bail out into Sufism or Taoism, until you find something you don’t like there and throw in a little mystical Christianity and some Course in Miracles. The obvious difficulty is that you cannot dictate your spiritual practice based on your personal preferences, for the simple reason that spiritual practice should challenge your personality at every turn, so if your personality is in the driving seat you are really not going to get anywhere.

Today we are saturated with spiritual wisdom and guidance, so comparing paths is unavoidable. Even the great Thomas Merton [controversial monk and Catholic mystic] was considering defecting to Zen in the last years before he died. But as Joseph Campbell remarked when he was asked if you have to let go of your religion to attain spiritual goals; no, you have to go the whole way to where the religion at its source represents the truth of the spiritual journey to awakening and liberation.

Individuality cannot be sidestepped. We must have a spiritual practice and methodology that embraces the individual and works with that, not by ignoring but by seeing how it can assist the venture of enlightenment. The ego is not just a fiction to be discarded, as if a few years of meditation will put paid to it. The ego must be understood and first put into service to the higher faculties of human existence.

It can be difficult to de-stress after an argument, even if you have won your point.

Your ego-mind constantly returns to the scene of the crime and combs through every agonizing detail and words said by you and the other party.

When you recognize the ego’s game is to protect itself, you are automatically beginning to de-stress.

Awareness is the key.

The ego-mind is simply frightened that it will lose control of an identity you have created for yourself. Often these identities stem from our childhood experiences.

Through life, you can have many identities such as man, woman, parent, college graduate, volunteer, your career title (such as teacher, doctor, manager, student and the list goes on.

How does this connect to de-stressing after an argument?

When your ego-mind keeps rehashing an argument that is over, realize it’s the ego-mind trying to protect one of your identities. It won’t let you rest.

Being a parent of three grown children, I realized I got into conflicts when I kept trying to hold onto the parent identity. When our children were small, it was important to enforce the “mother” role. However, since they are grown, and when tension arises in our conversation, I have to ask myself, “Am I trying to hold on to my identity as a parent trying to be their protector?”

I don’t want to release the mother role of protector, but I do have to remind myself, that the type of mother role I am still holding onto no longer serves my relationship with my children. They are grown, and I can’t protect them any longer. They have to find their own way.

Then I thought; it’s more important to let go, and be the wise sage who they can come to with their questions. But, even that identity can be suffocating and stressful, trying to have the right answers.

In a work situation, arguments can easily happen, when you try to protect your “title” in the job. Even after the conflict, your mind drudges up the pain. Why? You’re tightly holding onto your identity. Attention creates tension.

So, no matter if you are a parent, employee, student, friend, therapist, athlete, doctor, or teacher, realize protecting these identities can be stressful. They can keep arguments alive long after they are over. And, your body does not know the difference between an argument in the past, or one you are presently engaged. It just releases toxins to protect the body from stress. Few things are more stressful than an argument.

The answer? Ideally, the ancient spiritual wisdom of the East, such as Buddhism teaches us to let go of all identities.

I have been working on letting go of all identities. At first, it can be frightening. The ego-mind raises up on its monster hind legs and yells to me, “What are you doing!? Who will you be without your identity?”

Hearing that, I knew the ego-mind just wants to stay in control.

I managed to face the fear to allow myself to let go of certain identities, and let me tell you. It’s like a boulder rock moved off my chest. I felt free and peaceful. The ego-mind often creeps back trying to play the identity-role I thought I released, so the answer is to stay awake.

In summary, arguments can be a doorbell signaling, you are holding onto an identity which is made up of memories and projections into the future. It’s not real, just in your own mind. The other person in your conflict can help you be free. They are simply a projection of your ego-mind clinging to an identity.

If you can’t let go of your identity, Let go and let God.