Sometimes, I get emails from wives asking me to explain what it means when a husband says that he loves you, but is no longer “in love” with you.  Many feel that this is a serious contradiction in terms.  How can someone claim to love you, but then not be “in love?”  What is the difference? And, with such a vague statement, how in the world are you supposed to respond and what can you do to change this?

In the following article, I will answer these questions based on what husbands who visit my site tell me. Many of them are honest because they don’t know me personally, I’m an objective third party, and I’m not their wife or her friends.  So, below, I’ll explain to you what these husbands tell me about their feelings.

How Can He Love Me, But No Longer Be In Love?:  OK, let’s get right to the heart of the matter.  Because I know that you want the answer to this question more than any other.  In truth, the answer to this question really comes down to semantics.  I’ll explain this more later, but right now, I’ll tell you what is very probably going through your husband’s head.

See, what husbands tell me is that they respect, admire and actually downright love the attributes of their wives.  They tell me that she’s a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, and that she’s their “rock.”  They respect her, value her, and love her as a person.  But, what’s now lacking is that weak in the knees feeling that he used to get when he looked at her and the way that fireworks used to go off even after the most innocent touch.

Now, I must tell you that as a woman, my reaction when husbands are telling me this is: “well for goodness sake, how old are you, 21? Because with a few kids to raise and a household to run, neither of you are the people with no responsibilities who could just focus on one another and interact with googly eyes.”  But, I know these feelings to be valid and common for men because my husband felt them himself and almost divorced me.  And, I know from the intense work that we did that it’s very possible to get these feelings back.

The reality of the situation is often this.  Men often do not have the emotional knowledge to know that those feelings are just stagnant – but not all together gone.  Neglect has made the spark smaller, and right now, it’s smoldering, but with a little attention, it can be a hot, roaring fire in no time.  Men do not understand this.  They think that when it’s gone, it’s done.  Our job is to show him that this just isn’t true.

He Thinks It’s A Lack Of Chemistry, But It’s Really A Lack Of Attention And Time: When men describe this falling out of love business, they often use words that have to do with the spark and the chemistry between you: “the passion is gone,”  “the spark has faded,” or “we interact like friends rather than lovers.”  Rarely do their phrases talk about getting this back.  Most of them assume that once it’s dead, it’s dead.

And, when I ask them what they are doing or could do to reignite this, they either stare blankly or shrug their shoulders. They just don’t think this far out.  They don’t realize that it’s the marital circumstances that have changed, not their wives, not their chemistry or spark, but the amount of time and effort that is required to allow these things to happen naturally.  You both have jobs or responsibilities that eat into your ability to completely focus upon them and this is completely understandable.  Almost every marriage suffers from this. 

But, the result is often that you can’t or don’t put in the time necessary to maintain the bond that makes them feel the “spark” that they often talk about.  In truth, being “in love” is often nothing more than the way you make them feel about themselves.  It’s completely pleasurable to feel like you’re the center of someone’s world, and that you are lovable and desirable enough to garner so much attention.  Of course, this makes you weak kneed and starry eyed. Who doesn’t love it when someone looks deeply into their eyes, listens intently to what they have to say, and cares deeply about their day to day experiences?

I can almost guarantee you that if you were to be successful in recreating the atmosphere that you did when you were first dating, you’d find yourselves deeply in love again.  I’ve seen it happen countless times.  Because you already know that he adores the person that you are.  First, he’s married you and he’s recently told you as much, quite directly. 

But, in the chemistry and intimacy departments, you’re falling short.  He feels like one person in an arrangement that should be two.  You must change this.  If you can propel yourself forward until you’re in a place where there is the give and take of time, attention, fun, and affection, the rest is going to fall into place.

Getting Your Husband To Fall Back In Love With You: I’ve alluded to this, but now I’m going to say it directly.  Things are actually probably aren’t as bad as you think they are.  You actually have a blueprint to this guy’s heart.  You got him all googly eyed over you once before.  Now, you just have to dissect that process and repeat it. It helps to think back to what attracted him to you, but I can make this a bit easier for you and tell you what men tell me.  They want your attention. They want your praise.  They want your affection.  And, they want to feel like you absolutely understand them – even their flaws.  And, with this understanding comes total, unconditional acceptance. This often requires for you to clear your schedule, listen without interrupting, and to give them the same consideration as you did in the beginning.

Many people will ask why they are making all of the concessions.  Maybe this is true at first, but as he sees that you are making the effort, he’s going to respond in kind and suddenly, you’ll find that you are both a lot happier and fulfilled. It’s a cycle that very often just naturally happens when you are sincere.  I’ve seen it happen countless times.

I often hear from wives whose husbands are complaining about a change in the marriage. Often, the husband is very clear on the fact that he isn’t happy, but he isn’t nearly as specific as to what has happened to make him so unhappy. In fact, many husbands will tell you that they have no idea exactly what is wrong. He’ll sometimes tell you that all he knows for certain is that he’s not happy with the way that things are.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me last night that he is unhappy in our marriage. He didn’t go so far as to say that he wanted a separation or divorce, but I have the feeling that this is what is coming next. I asked him what happened to us. Because honestly, when I look back on our marriage, I remember the good times. But apparently he doesn’t. Because his response to me was ‘I’m not sure what has happened to our marriage, but I’m sure that I’m no longer content with it.’ Well, I don’t know what happened either. But I know that I’m doing the best that I can. I know that I work full time and then come home and do an additional job taking care of my family. I know that I try to be attentive to him but I have my own needs. I also know that once you reach a certain age, you can no longer expect for your life to be a fun filled experience every single day. What do men mean when they tell you that they don’t know why they’re not happy? And what are you supposed to even do with this information?”

Men can mean a couple of different things in this scenario. I sometimes have them comment on my blog and I feel that I have a decent handle on their possible mind set. I’ll share some of the reasons that they offer in the following article.

Often When Men Say They Don’t Know What Happened, They’re Reacting To A Slow Decline In Your Marriage: Typically when people say that they aren’t sure what went wrong or that they can’t pinpoint any one thing that deteriorated their marriage, they’re often reacting to what isn’t there rather than what is there. In other words, they’re noticing a lack of something that has slowly become apparent to them over the course of time.

Many men will eventually describe this as a lack of intimacy or passion. In other words, the excitement seems to be lacking for them. They’ll tell you that they can’t remember the last time their wife gave them her undivided attention Or they don’t recall the last time she met him at the door and fell into his arms.

Of course, what many of these husbands don’t mention is the last time they remembered to bring their wife flowers or the last time he just listened to her. It goes both ways, of course. But it’s just human nature to place your most direct focus on your own needs, even when you love your spouse.

And often a man won’t complain about this at first. He often intellectually realizes that you are being pulled in many different directions. He wants for you to take good care of his children and he may feel like he’s complaining or whining if he directly asks for more of your time. So he pushes this down until one day he wakes up and wonders what happens to your marriage and to the closeness that you once shared. Unfortunately, he can’t always put his finger on this, and, even if he could, he will sometimes hesitate to sound so petty.

What Can Or Should You Do If Your Husband Suddenly Expresses His Unhappiness About Your Marriage But Can’t Be Specific About The Cause?: The first thing to remember is not to panic. As is often the case, this husband hadn’t mentioned a divorce, but he had shared his struggles with his wife because he was unhappy enough to be honest and want a resolution. Be grateful that he’s giving you the opportunity to resolve things without first wanting to make a change. Because it’s not uncommon for wives to hear about their husband’s unhappiness while being asked for a separation or a divorce.

Then, try to take a very objective look at your marriage. Now, sometimes husbands feel stress in other areas of their life and they project this onto your marriage. But even so, every marriage can use some improvement and some additional attention. To the extent you can, try to see your marriage through your husband’s eyes. You likely know him pretty well and you probably know what is most important to him. It is likely not too difficult to determine what he would like more of in your relationship. It often boils down to attention, appreciation, and affection. Even if you think he’s being petty or needy, do your best to address his concerns. Because when he is more happy, then your marriage is going to improve and you are going to be more happy also.

Sometimes I have wives who do understand what I am saying but they don’t think that this whole situation is quite fair. I often hear comments like “well what about me? He doesn’t pay enough attention me either but apparently I’m just supposed to meet his needs because he’s whining.” Try not to see it this way. Because if he feels that his needs are being met then he is going to do a better job of meeting yours so that neither of you will feel as if you are doing all the giving or making all of the concessions.

So to answer some of the questions posed, a husband who announces that he isn’t happy is usually is telling you that things aren’t as exciting or as fulfilling anymore and that he wants more of your attention and appreciation. Often if you make a very conscious effort to show him more of these things, both of you will experience an increase of your happiness level and your marriage should improve as well. Wives often doubt that it’s this simple or easy. It’s not easy, but human nature usually isn’t all that complicated. Husbands and wives generally want the same things, also they don’t always express it or receive it in the same way.

It is complicated enough to think about retirement for ourselves, but it’s even more challenging for couples to plan this transition. What defines your ideal retirement may not be the same for your spouse or partner. To have a successful retirement lifestyle, each person in the relationship needs to communicate, compromise and cooperate. This requires a lot of understanding and empathy of each other’s situation and acknowledgment of the fact that this major life change affects not just us individually, but those around us as well.

How much is too much togetherness?

Often retirement throws two people together who previously had little interaction during the work day. Suddenly, weekdays can change from time focused on individual schedules to 24/7 marathons of togetherness. And, as they say, there can be too much of a good thing!

More typically, it is the husband who retires from a structured 40-hour-a-week schedule, and without proper planning for life after retirement, he may turn to his spouse to fill the void. Consider this from the wife’s perspective. She has been on her own during the work week, with her own schedule, for perhaps years or even decades. Suddenly, her husband is home as well and there’s uncertainty about how they will spend their time together. Her reaction may be one of resentment, because her long-established ability to plan her own time has vanished. The free time that one or both of them used to look forward to is now compromised.

I like the saying, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” This may in fact be the wife’s reaction when feeling her established schedule is being encroached upon as her husband retires. And, in receiving this type of negative response, the husband may further feel the loss of his established work life and that he now is only a participant in his wife’s world.

It i human nature to want some space for ourselves and it doesn’t mean that we love our spouse any less. It just means that you need to find that healthy balance of time together and time apart. With proper retirement planning, these retirement ‘pitfalls’ can be avoided and a couple can arrive at a mutually rewarding retirement lifestyle.

Why retirement planning is so important

A Cornell study done on this life stage revealed that married couples tend to experience significant conflict during the first several years after one or both spouses retire. Neither is prepared for this significant adjustment. Instead of enjoying blissful togetherness, both may struggle to understand their new lifestyle and end up feeling lost. I’ve heard countless stories of retirees aimlessly seeking new order in their lives; they reload the dishwasher, move furniture, and try to figure out what there’re supposed to do because they have lost their old job description. Meanwhile, their spouse tries to maintain a normal schedule while being worried about their retired spouse. The burden of this responsible can be overwhelming.

The key is in connecting

So how do you ensure you don’t end up like one of these lost, frustrated couples after retirement? The key is in being able to connect with one another.

I have always been a fan of Barbara Streisand. I like the lyrics in her song, People: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” Going through life with someone that you love and trust is much better than going through life alone, especially in the retirement stage.

Research shows that couples who reported that they were happily married were able to balance their alone time and time together in a healthy and constructive way. They respected each other’s need for privacy and space. While a spouse is working in his or her career, this time is built in. In retirement, it has to be created by the couple. Pay attention to how you currently use your time and who’s in charge of scheduling your time. Try not to rely on your spouse to plan your social life and take equal responsibility for some of those activities. Make sure you are developing your own activities now that you’ll enjoy separately as well as those that you’ll enjoy together. What have you always wanted to do and never had time to do? Make a list of activities, hobbies and dreams and then get started pursuing them.

If you are like most married couples, you have already successfully transitioned through various stages of your life together; dating, getting married, having children, pursuing careers, among others. Hopefully, with each transition, you have found ways of learning more about each other and creating a stronger bond that has sustained you. You have learned to be more attentive to each other, respectful of differences, and patient with each other. You have developed more independence and autonomy while protecting the bond that you have. This next stage in life is just one more transition through which you can deepen that connection.

Remember the love

As couples retire and grow into the changes that are associated with this transition, they can discover a renewed love and commitment.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin.

Remember that Love is a verb. Loving your spouse requires much more of us than just feeling and emotion. It takes action. With Valentine’s Day this month, it is easier for us all to keep this in the forefront. But, we can sometimes lose sight of it in times of challenge. In the transition to retirement, we need to keep our love strong and supportive in our relationship. It requires more words of appreciation and affirmation to be spoken, and more acts of love and kindness.

To know me is to love me. – Unknown

When two people are willing to be vulnerable, honest and open with each other, accepting the good along with the character defects, you have arrived at mature love and intimacy. Share with one another your needs during retirement. Compare what your ideal retirement looks like. Find new ways of spending time together, and respect each other’s need for time apart. And, most of all, never forget the love.

Love well… but have lunch out!

As someone who gives marriage advice, one of the things I unfortunately here from men is my wife says she loves me but is not in love with me.

If you’re in this spot, then I know that you’re probably a little devastated by hearing that, and also feeling a little panicky, like everything is about to end.

I want to ease that a bit, and tell you that there are some things you can do to take away the sting of this situation, and actually…get your wife nearly obsessing about you…like she probably was when you first met.

What to Do When a Wife Ways She Loves Me But Is Not In Love With Me…

First let me ease some of your fears.

Falling out of love with a spouse is normal and can be saved, and you can take comfort in the first part of her statement, that she LOVES YOU! That’s important for a starting ground.

Now there is a time when a wife usually has these feelings of being “in love” is lost, and that’s simply when YOU as a man aren’t doing the things that keeps her in love with you.

Huh…? What am I saying that it’s your fault? Well actually yes I am.

But don’t worry because just as easily as you screwed things up, and became the guy that your wife could easily fall out of love with, you can pull her back in by doing a few things differently.

Don’t Make the Big Mistake That Most Men Make When There Wife Says I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You…

So here’s the deal… When most men tell me my wife says she loves me but is not in love with me, I usually ask what they did after that. I almost always get the same answers…

I buy her things, I take her to dinner, I start trying to spend more time with her, I stop going out with my friends, I give her the remote (that should never happen lol)…

Basically these are all things that equate to kissing major butt. Guess what never makes a woman become obsessed with you and fall in love with you. That’s right kissing butt! So don’t do it!

Men have been making this mistake forever, not ever realizing that it’s the exact sort of behavior that repels women. You can see it at any singles bar or night club in the world. There’s always some guy kissing a women’s butt, buying her drinks, and falling all over himself for her. Of course she lets him…and then the first chance she gets she slips away with the guy that’s been ignoring her all night.

Despite all of your wrong instincts the last thing you want to do is kiss your wife’s butt and hang all over her. In fact the thing that you need to do is simply give her space, and then start acting like a REAL MAN that women (all women) truly want.

Start acting like an alpha male leader who isn’t going to kiss your wife’s butt or worry.

I’ve had people tell me that there are two camps of cheaters, as follows:

1. those who want out of their relationship (or are not fully invested in it) and therefore don’t care if they get caught; and

2. those who hope and pray that they never get caught because they are still very much invested in their relationship or marriage and in love with their spouse or partner.

Many people have a very hard time understanding why anyone would cheat or have an affair when they are still invested in their marriage. It just seems to be a silly and risky thing to do.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I found out three days ago that my husband has been cheating and having an affair with one of our neighbors. When he confessed to me, I fully expected him to tell me that he wanted a divorce and was getting ready to pack his bags. But this isn’t what happened. Instead, he said that he wanted to be honest with me because he wanted to save our marriage. This just makes no sense to me. Why would you cheat on someone to whom you wanted to remain married? My husband knows me pretty well. He has watched me support many friends whose marriages were destroyed by infidelity and he knows that I have no tolerance for it. So, when he was cheating, he must have known that once I found out, there was a chance that I would leave him. And yet, here he is confessing but telling me that he wants to stay in the marriage rather than leave it. Can you explain the thinking behind this? Because I just don’t understand why a person who wants to stay in the marriage would risk that same marriage by cheating.”

In the following article, I’m going to try to explain what might motivate a person to cheat even when they fully intend to remain married.

Many People Who Cheat Never Intend To Get Caught And Intend For The Unplanned Cheating To Be A Very Short Lived Affair: Before I get into the reasons for cheating and then wanting to stay married, I have to tell you that you may not fully believe what I’m about to tell you. I completely understand that because, as a woman who has been cheated on, I don’t always buy what men tell me either. It is very hard for to understand a thought process that would never be mine.

With that said, many people who cheat will tell you that they didn’t go into it with any intention of being unfaithful. You will often first hear about a friendship developing and then you’ll hear phrases like “it just happened.” Whether this is true or not, most people overwhelmingly make this claim. And then they will say that once the unintentional cheating happened, they told themselves that it was a one time or short term thing. They planned to stop it before any one was hurt. Of course, sometimes it ends up lasting for longer than they originally anticipated.

Still, many people end up realizing that they have made a very huge mistake about which they feel an awful lot of guilt. They often realize that they have taken a huge risk with the relationship that is most important to them. This is why many of them confess or at least own up to what they’ve done once they have been caught. They suddenly realize that they don’t want to surrender their marriage and they are hoping that either their confession or their remorse is going to at least give them a chance to maintain or save their marriage.

Suspicions You Might Have About His Claim That He Wants To Stay In The Marriage: Many faithful spouses meet the cheating spouse’s claims with a good deal of suspicion. People often tell me they fear that their spouse is just claiming that he wants to save the marriage because he knows that a divorce would end up costing him a lot of money or would risk him losing some access to his children.

I also hear from a lot of doubtful but faithful spouses who suspect that their spouse just doesn’t have the courage or integrity to tell the truth about his feelings. Or, they worry that he wants to keep the cheating or the affair hidden from his extended friends or family and hopes that by staying in the marriage, his secret won’t get out. These are absolutely valid concerns. Dealing with the cheating is very painful. But dealing with the cheating while trying to save your marriage only to find out later it was all for nothing is nearly unbearable.

However, the problem often is that there is no way to know what is actually true until you see it through. You can’t read your spouses thoughts. You can’t possibly know exactly what they are feeling. So the only way to truly know their real intentions is to wait it out and see if their actions confirm their words. Because if he’s not being truthful about his commitment to the marriage, then that will become apparent soon enough. It’s very unlikely that he can keep up the facade for long if his heart isn’t truly in it.

And, his is not the only opinion that matters. You also will need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage. The decisions about your marriage are not his alone to make. You have a say. And you have your own set of wishes and intentions. Sometimes, his wanting to stay in the marriage is not going to be enough. You have to want it too. And you both have to be willing to do the work to repair the marriage and to restore the trust. Both of these things truly are possible. But in order for that to happen both people need to be absolutely sincere about their feelings and intentions.

If I had to name the most common place where infidelity happens, it would be at the work place. I would say that the vast majority of the correspondence that I get about cheating and affairs happen in a work place setting. And I often hear from people who are concerned about a relationship that they see forming at their spouse’s job.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I had a strong suspicion that my husband was developing feelings for a woman at his work every time I saw the two of them together. I also couldn’t help but notice that he constantly talked about her and often mentioned them having lunch together, sometimes without others present. When I confronted him about this, at first he denied that anything was wrong. He said that they were just colleagues who had a lot of projects together. But later, I found some texts from her that were very flirtatious in nature. So, once again, I confronted him and he continued to deny everything. But this time, I continued to press him and eventually, he broke down and admitted that he had ‘strong romantic feelings’ for this woman, but insisted that he still loved me and was committed to our marriage and therefore, would never act on his feelings. My husband has never lied to me, so I want to believe him. But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be worried about this. It’s not a good sign when your husband admits to having romantic feelings for someone else. So what should I do about this? Am I right to worry?”

I believe that the wife was right to feel concerned. From all of the correspondence that I get that outline affairs (even only emotional ones) at work, I can tell you that feelings that aren’t even acted upon can absolutely seriously harm your marriage. Not only that, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to eventually act upon these feelings even when they never intended to do so. And finally, sometimes people will insist that they only have feelings, when in fact they are trying to spare the feelings of their spouse by denying an affair (emotional or physical) that actually does exist.

Sometimes when I share my feelings on this, I’m accused of being paranoid or distrustful. But, I think that I’d rather someone be paranoid but proactive than being trusting but later very sorry when they’re trying to recover from full fledged infidelity. It’s easier to prevent an affair than to recover from one, in my experience and opinion.

What To Do When Your Husband Admits To Having Feelings For Someone Else, But Denies Acting On These Feelings: This is only my opinion from my experience, but I believe that just sitting back and hoping for the best is a mistake that I see happening over and over again. You can still make every attempt to believe and trust your spouse while being proactive about saving and safe guarding your marriage. When your husband has admitted to feeling romantic and loving toward someone else (who he sees and interacts with on a close and personal level every day,) then my feeling is that you are justified in taking action.

One suggestion might be to see if your husband can stop having to work so closely with her. Can he transfer, move to another department or partner with someone else? This may sound drastic, but again it’s usually much easier to prevent infidelity than the heal or recover from it. And, if you get resistance from your husband, then this will give you some important clues as to how he really feels and how invested he is in any close relationship with her.

Another thing that you will want to consider is strengthening and safe guarding your marriage. You want to make sure that things are very good at home so that he won’t have any reason to lament his marriage or talk about what it lacks with this other woman. You want to make it so that the two of you are as connected as you can possibly be. And, it’s certainly not a bad idea to swing by and have lunch with him as much as you possibly can. After all, when he’s having lunch with you, he won’t be meeting with her and she will see that your marriage is his reality and that it is solid and still very much in tact.

You also might want to look at where your marriage is vulnerable. Many women will deny that there are issues or problems, but I would argue that if your husband is developing feelings for someone else, then there are likely issues somewhere. There are likely vulnerabilities that you may not have considered or noticed, but which are most certainly coming into play. And again, if your husband is resistant to exploring these issues to strengthen your marriage, this might be indicative or what is truly going on with him and how deep his commitment really is to her or to you and your marriage. Because men will sometimes say words of reassurance, only to lack the actions to follow them through in the end.

This is not always the case, of course. Sometimes, a husband will do exactly what you’ve asked of him and the relationship or feelings for the other woman will fizzle out once you prioritize your marriage. However, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that there are plenty of reasons to worry, be concerned, or at least pay attention when your husband admits having feelings for someone else, even if he swears he’d never act on them. In my view, it’s better to be concerned and to take swift action than to vow not to worry, only to regret it later.

I recently received an email from a wife who told me she was feeling very betrayed and confused because her husband had recently left her and the home to “have time to think about the relationship” but insisted that the two of them could still be friends.

The wife was heartbroken and confused.  She wanted to keep her husband in her life and she wanted to save her marriage.  But, she felt like the offer of being friends was just a sort of consolation prize.   She knew that it was going to be very hard for her to have a friendship type relationship when she wanted for it to be so much more.  But, she wondered if, at this point, she should just take what she could get to ensure that he stayed in her life.  She wasn’t sure how she should act around him or how she should play this.  She wanted my advice on how to move forward.  I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

Can You Still Be Friends After Your Husband Leaves You?:  It’s probably unrealistic to think that the two of you can remain true buddies.  After all, you have shared much more than friendship and there is really no way to pretend otherwise. Also, it may be quite difficult and awkward to see your husband in another context.  You often won’t be sure how to act or what to say. 

The real key in making this work is defining the relationship without limiting it so that neither person has to guess.  This is usually harder in real life than it sounds on paper.  You don’t want to make demands or to show that this is so hard for you so that he wants to just retreat and avoid contact with you all together.   But, you don’t want to leave yourself vulnerable or to be taken advantage of either. 

With that said, it is important that you have the ability to stay in touch and to remain in contact in such a way that it is going to contribute to keeping the relationship going rather than to ending it.  Because, if you want for him to eventually come back, you’re going to have a much better chance of this happening if he can think of you and feel positive things.  You don’t want for his leaving to be the last thing that he remembers.

Remaining friends can allow you to remain in his thoughts and in his life.  But, you must always move forward with an eye toward where you really want for this to go.  You shouldn’t act in such a way that it will impossible to maintain and you should not be untrue to yourself.  And, you should not allow this friendship to hurt you emotionally.  Not everyone can play this role.  Sometimes, the longing is apparent in their eyes and the real motivation is entirely evident for every one to see.

How Being Friends With Your Estranged Husband Can Lead To Something More Lasting:  As I’ve alluded to, it’s very important that you strike the balance between this being a healthy relationship with what you want to happen in the long term.  Although it may not feel like it all right now, it is an advantage to have access and a somewhat captive audience. I dialog with a lot of women whose husbands will not even allow them a phone call or a letter once he has left.  It may not feel as if things could be worse, but believe me when I say that they can.

And frankly, you can use this time apart for your own benefit as well.  He’s likely watching what you are doing.  He’s probably keeping an eye on you and an ear to the proverbial door to  learn what’s going on.  Show him someone who is capable of coping quite well, not someone who is needy or undesirable.  Now is your time to shine.  And, frankly, you likely now have the time to do all of those things that you were putting off or holding off from because of him. 

For both your sake and his, you want to present a person who is happy, capable, upbeat, and positive.  People like this just naturally draw others to them like moths to a flame.  I know that it is so easy and so tempting to cling or to over reach during the times that you are together and are cultivating your “friendship” relationship, but firmly resist this. Don’t be available every time he wants to get together. Allude to the fact that you too are taking advantage of your freedom.  The great advantage to this situation is that you can only allow them to see what you want them to see.

You are no longer together 24 / 7 so you have a great deal more control over the image that you are projecting. Don’t place all of your focus on this relationship and where it is going.  I know that this is a lot to ask, but doing this is often so obvious to your husband that it will only make you lose ground in the long run.  Really and genuinely take this opportunity to focus on yourself and your own needs and wants.  Yes, you will agree to being friends but you aren’t going to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and you have other friends. 

It’s perfectly fine and even advisable to try to maintain a positive relationship with your husband.  And, without the pressure of living together while trying to save the marriage, you often have more flexibility and are able to enjoy one another without 24 / 7 togetherness.  This alone can bring short term improvements to your relationship if you play it correctly.  (If you are having difficulty with this, take some time away from the situation until you can return to it in a more healthy way.)

So, I advised the wife to agree to remain friends, but to not hang on the husbands every phone call and invitation.  I knew that he would be watching and I wanted to make sure that, when he did, he saw a woman who was embracing life, was very lovable, and was likely to be scooped up by someone else should he keep on playing these games.

I sometimes hear from people who are extremely upset because they are dealing with two very serious issues. The first is that they are separated but they wish that they weren’t. The second is that they had a chance to reconcile or get back together and it failed. So now, not only are they still separated, but they don’t know if they will ever get a chance to try again.

Someone might say: “my husband and I separated because I felt that he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. He denied this, but his behavior toward me had changed. We’ve been married for over 15 years and I know his behavior very well. I knew that something was wrong. When I tried to discuss this with him, it honestly made things worse and not better. So I felt it best if we took a little break. I honestly did not expect for the break to last for very long. But weeks would go by without us talking. I stayed with my aunt, who said I was welcome as long as I needed to be there. Very slowly, my husband started calling again and begging me to come home. I am not the kind of person who is going to cave in immediately, but I missed him so much that after a couple of weeks of his begging, I relented and came home. Right away, things were tense and awful. I expected a happy homecoming, but what actually happened was anything but that. We bickered constantly and it felt like he didn’t want me there. I finally started asking him what was wrong. At first he denied any problem, but I kept at him. He finally admitted that he has real feelings for the other woman at work, although he continues to deny any inappropriate relationship. I became so angry about this, that I packed my bag and went right back to my aunts. He isn’t me begging anymore. When I do talk to him, he’s in a hurry to get off the phone. Now I fear I’ve made a huge mistake. By leaving the way that I did, he’s now free to pursue a relationship with the other woman. Essentially, I gave her free reign to come and take my husband away if that is what she wants to do. Should I just come home unannounced? He didn’t ask me to leave. I did that on my own. My fear is that if I come home, things will be tense again.”

This is a tricky situation. And it happens quite a bit. These type of unfortunate situations are often why I encourage couples to seek counseling during their separation and to take things slowly. It is a little more difficult to fix this then it would have been to rebuild a foundation before attempting to reconcile. However, none of this is impossible. But because you perceive that the other woman is in the picture, you feel that you don’t have the luxury of time. One way to try to get around this is to attempt to schedule regular times to get together (preferably to seek counseling or at least work on your relationship.) If you feel that your husband won’t want to do counseling, then you might try just asking him to support you in sessions for yourself. This is a roundabout way to get him involved, with the hope that gradually as he becomes more comfortable. the counselor can incorporate the issue of your marriage. You might also get together for coffee or dinner afterwards, but at least this way, you are working toward something and are laying a foundation rather than just hoping for the best while not making any real changes.

If he doesn’t agree to this right away, just try to wait without pressure. Go back to what you did before when he was calling you regularly. If you had success being patient and staying upbeat before, then consider doing that once again.

I know you fear that he’s immediately going to start a relationship with another woman, but him admitting feelings for her doesn’t mean that he’s going to immediately pursue her. I’m not saying he can’t or won’t. I’m just saying that it’s better to wait and see (while reminding him that he’s married with regular contact and hopefully counseling) than to just assume the worst. She may not even be interested. He may be the one with all of the feelings.

If you feel like it’s important to address this, you might try a conversation like: ” I want you to know that I do regret just bailing immediately like that. I really wanted for the reconciliation to work, but when you admitted feelings about someone else, I reacted to the fear rather than to logic. I regret that. But it upset me so badly that I wasn’t really thinking. I was just reacting. I don’t want you to think that I am not interested in reconciling anymore because I am. I just have some real concerns that need to be addressed and I am not sure that either of us are qualified to do that alone. I would love it if we could either go to counseling together or at least you could go with me when I attend. It may or may not work, but if it doesn’t at least we will know that we tried. I don’t want to give up on this marriage, but neither of us are mental health or marital experts so I think it’s smart to get some help. I don’t want to continue on as we are. We both know that we miss one another, but we don’t seem to know how to move toward reconciliation successfully. How do you feel about this?”

Hopefully, he will agree. If not, I think it pays to be patient and to try not to panic. If you start pushing and panicking, you almost make it easier for the other woman (and that’s assuming that she shares his interest. We don’t know that she does. She may not want to become involved with him – even if he was willing.)

The hope is that eventually, he will miss you in the same way as he did the first time. But instead of rushing, you will now have the opportunity to build a new foundation and work some things out before taking the leap to move back in immediately.

“I want to train, but I can’t afford the gym membership.”

Well, then you don’t really want to train. So, how bout you shut it. This annoying incessant refrain… people come in and ask a million questions about training, only to tell me after I humored them with an hour of my time, “I want to train, but I can’t afford the gym membership.”

Please don’t get me wrong – I am more than happy to answer questions from serious prospective students, but the keyword here is “serious” and if you’re not, get the hell out of my gym.

Over the years you would not believe how many times I’ve heard this: “I want to train but I can’t afford the gym membership”. Statistics show that 99.987% of the time the person is full of crap. I mean, I’m not a statistician, but… Screw statisticians, I’m right.

The only thing worse than the wannabes are the “almost weres.” I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t afford his tuition any longer because he bought an aftermarket exhaust system for his Harley Davidson. Now I’m sure this would have gone over great with his landlord, “I can’t pay/make rent this month, I had to buy an exhaust system for my motorcycle.” Uhh, what?

A contract’s a contract. I’m not playing “MMA trainer”, this is how I feed my kids.

The thing is, we all know this guy. He would love to train, but can’t afford to pay the monthly fees. He’s got a laundry list of reasons why: work, girlfriend, wife, car, mom, etc. But, go out on a Saturday night to your local bar. You’ll see him there. Running up a tab, eating hot wings at 2 a.m., hitting on some girl by buying her and all her friends a round of Vegas Bombs.

It all boils down to how serious you are about it and how badly you want it. If you want it, you make it happen. It seems hard, but really – it’s not. If I don’t know you (and because you have a friend who is the brother of a guy who is dating a girl who is the cousin of a guy who is training at my gym DOES NOT MEAN WE KNOW EACH OTHER… AT ALL), do not come up to me with some BS story about how times are tough and how you could be the next GSP if someone would just give you a shot, i.e., let you train for free.

As a gym owner and trainer I hear this story every week from someone. If you sign up (and pay), show me that you are serious, and I see that you have potential then I might be willing to work with you.

Eventually, you might help out around the gym by cleaning the mats everyday or we work a trade of some sort, but don’t ask for free training with nothing in return for the gym. And, believe me, trust me, listen closely – until you have proven yourself on the mat you have nothing I want.

No matter how sure you are that you’re “gonna make me famous and put my gym on the map,” I’m not buyin’ what you’re sellin’. It costs money to pay for good instructors, utility bills, equipment, insurance… I am not in the business of giving free training because you think that you could be great.

Most of the time these guys only last a few classes, at most a couple of months, never to be seen again. I, like many gym owners, have fallen victim to a sob story here and there only to be repeatedly disappointed in said student’s work ethic, heart, commitment, sheer lack of talent, the list goes on.

Show me you are serious. Most of us have fighters that we let train for free because they fight for the gym, clean the gym, promote the gym, support their teammates from the gym, love the gym, love the team, and love the coaches.

These guys… these guys, they’re pretty rare. So when I get one of them I try my hardest to hold on. But if you’re not one of these guys – and before you insist you are, take a hard look at yourself because these guys eat, drink, and breath competition – if you’re not one of these guys, go away.

If you’re just looking for a free ride, don’t ask for free training. You’re asking me to give you the equivalent of several thousand dollars a year for free and to that I say, “There’s this little ‘fight club’ down the street, hold on a minute, let me find their number… you’ll be a perfect fit.”

When a separated husband starts coming around to visit, many wives feel very encouraged. After all, many of us know wives whose separated husbands rarely, if ever, call or keep in touch – much less reach out in person. Much of the time, we try to tell ourselves that his beginning to visit is hopefully the first step toward him wanting to come home full time.

So when this doesn’t happen, we can be very frustrated and let down. And we can begin to wonder if he is playing games. I might hear a wife say: “I was thrilled when my husband first started coming back home. I figured after a week or two of these visits, he would ask if he could move back in. And I was ready to say yes. I couldn’t wait to start over. Unfortunately, this is not what happened. He keeps coming back home alright, but at the end of the visit he will get in his car and leave. I haven’t confronted him about this yet because I don’t want for the visits to stop. But now I am starting to worry. What if he has no intentions of moving back home? Why would he continue to visit me (and even have sex with me occasionally) and stop short of wanting to come back home?”

There are a couple of possible reasons that I can think of, but of course this can only be speculation because only the husband can know what he is thinking. I will list some possibilities below. And, you can see if this rings as a possibility for you.

He’s Leaning Toward Coming Home. But He Isn’t Sure Yet And He Wants To Make Sure That He’s Not Moving Too Quickly: So often, the spouse who didn’t want the separation in the first place is willing to take their spouse back even if they haven’t worked through their problems. They will take him back in any way that they can get him. They aren’t necessarily thinking very far ahead. They aren’t wondering what happens when he gets home and all of the issues start coming up again.

But that doesn’t mean that your husband isn’t thinking about this. He may well want to come home. But he is stopping himself short because he wants to set you up for long term success. So with each visit, he’s watching and evaluating how things are going. And, frankly, I would suspect that he is thinking that things are going well because he keeps coming back, right? If something were discouraging to him, then he might pull back on his visits.

Evaluating If His Intentions Aren’t Honorable: I will admit that some wives in this situation worry that their husband is just coming home for sex or for the ego boost and that he has no real intention of coming home for good for a reconciliation. I understand the concern, but you have to be the one to evaluate this because I can’t see first hand what is happening and you know your husband better than anyone else.

It makes sense to ask yourself if he only seems interested in sex and then leaves quickly afterward. Or does he engage and act caring outside of this and sometimes not even pursue it? In other words, does he seem more interested in connecting with or interacting with you outside of the physical contact? Does he call and engage when it’s obvious that there can’t be any contact in that moment? If he’s calling you to see how you are without expecting anything in return and he seems genuinely caring in addition to his visits, then this is telling.

But if the sex worries you or makes you feel taken advantage of, then you can certainly speak up in a gentle way, making it clear that you aren’t bringing this up because you want the visits to stop. You only want the visits to be for the right reasons.

Most of the time, I feel that it’s very encouraging when a separated spouse regularly visits and I always encourage people to keep building on those visits. It’s important to ensure that they go well so that they keep repeating and they become the stepping stones to rebuilding and saving your marriage.