I often hear from wives who are quite confused by the contradiction that is going on inside of their own homes. Typically, they are being reassured by their husbands that they are still loved, and yet the husband has dropped the bombshell that he no longer wants to be married. The wives often wonder how on earth this makes sense. Most wives can’t fathom wanting to end the marriage to someone that you supposedly still love. And, if the love is there, why can’t the two of you work together to change his feelings about ending it?

This is obviously a question that is going to have to be answered satisfactorily by your husband. But, in my experience, there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle this awful bit of news. Many of us allow the shock and pain to contribute to us responding with knee jerk reactions that only make things worse and only reinforce the negative perceptions that are likely very much contributing to the husband’s wanting out.

So, in the following article, I will try to provide some insights as to what your husband might be thinking and experiencing and how you can use this knowledge to address the things which must be over come in a more positive, and more successful, way.

Not Allowing The Unknowns To Keep You From Addressing Those Things That Need To Be Addressed: It’s very common in this situation to make your focus on trying to change what is an equation that doesn’t make sense. Many wives will make it their primary goal to “get to the bottom of” why he’s doing this. Or, they will try to argue that it doesn’t make sense to still love your wife but want to leave her. It’s very tempting to ask if he’s lying about loving you or if he’s lying about the situation. Is there someone else? Is there something else that’s happening or another consideration that he’s not sharing?

You might not ever get truthful information in response to these questions, especially at first. He may not be capable of giving you the answers. (Many men tell me very vague reasons (like their general unhappiness) as the reason for their wanting out, rather than one specific cause.) Or, he may well be holding something back. You may not be able to change this as you’re dependent on him to give you a glimpse of what is truly in his mind and in his heart. You often can not change or control this no matter how much you may want to.

So, you are mostly better off taking control where you can – within yourself and within your part of the marriage. Don’t let a constant quest for answers that may never come to delay or stop you from doing what needs to be done. And what needs to be done is immediately working on changing the perceptions, the environment, and the nuances that are contributing to your husband’s (and likely your own) unhappiness.

Zeroing In On The Perceptions And The Small Nuances That Are Contributing To Your Husband Not Wanting To Be Married Any More: Husbands sometimes tell me things that they don’t tell their wives. Not always, but sometimes. Even so, as I said, many husbands who find themselves in this position will give me very vague reasoning as to why they are finding themselves where they are. I’ll often hear things like “I just feel like being married isn’t working for me anymore.” Or, “we are just two different people who aren’t really compatible anymore and neither of us are as happy as we should be.”

They will very rarely tell you (because it’s possible that even they haven’t perceived these things on a conscious level) the underlying causes, which are almost always things like a loss of intimacy, a loss of sustained marital efforts that strengthen and bond you, and an environment that is no longer filled with happiness and fun. Men will often mistake these shifts as a sign that the chemistry that used to bring you together is gone. Yes, they still love you. That has not changed and it’s quite probable that they aren’t lying about this. They really do believe it.

But, unfortunately, they also believe that things are too far gone to really change. They also believe that the marriage is no longer fulling and promising enough to fight for and that, on a personal level, they are better off cutting their losses than investing time and effort into trying to get back the perceived losses. These are the things that you should be addressing and turning your attention to, not how they could love you but still want to leave you. It’s much better to take quick and decisive action rather than be argumentative and questioning.

Taking The Action That Is Going To Give You The Best Chance Of Changing Your Husband’s Wish To End The Marriage: As I said, you really only have direct and complete control over your own actions. You really can’t make or force him to feel or do something that he’s completely opposed to. But, you can change the circumstances and actions that are framing his opposition. Don’t dwell on where the marriage is going and don’t repeatedly question him or argue with him about this. Doing these things only reinforce the negative perceptions that you must overcome.

Instead, brainstorm and think about what things, character traits, and actions drew your husband to you and strengthened your relationship in the past. Now is the time to bring those things forth. Now is the time to draw on those things that have gotten you a positive response in the past. It is not the time to focus on semantics or how one or both of you is wrong and needs to be corrected. Instead, it is the time to conduct yourself in the manner that gives you positive responses and perceptions from your husband. The reason for this is because he needs to see that the environment and the marriage can change because you are taking decisive action rather than repeatedly questioning and arguing.

I got an email yesterday from someone explaining that for the past several months, her husband was becoming distant and closing her off. When she asked for an explanation, the husband at first reassured her that he was just dealing with stress and that everything was otherwise fine, but nothing changed and the distance just kept growing.

Eventually, the husband finally started to admit that he was “no longer feeling it,” and “needed his space,” but he still wanted to stay together and take the time to work on himself. Of course, the wife agreed, figuring this was better than letting him walk out the door or separating. But, even though she tried reasoning with him, showing him more attention and affection, and being as reassuring as possible, the situation still deteriorated.

Finally, one day he came home and said he wanted to separate, but he wanted her to know that he still loved her. Of course, she is utterly confused and at a loss. Aren’t these two conflicting things? How can he love her and not want to be with her at the same time?

A Confusing, Conflicting Message: Obviously, there is no way for me to get inside of her husband’s head, or grab him, shake him by the shoulders and demand a true answer.  I can tell you that men ask for these “breaks” or “trial separations” for a variety of reasons. What makes this really confusing is that they will often send you mixed signals or say conflicting things. They may say “I just don’t feel it anymore,” or “I just want a break right now,” or “I’m just not happy,” or still yet “It’s me, not you,” while still holding and reassuring you, and professing their love and sometimes wanting to be intimate as though nothing has happened.

Understanding What Your Husband Is Really Saying And How He Really Wants You To Respond: One thing that you need to remember when you are going through this is that you likely know your husband more than anyone else in this world (other than himself.)

Watch his nonverbal cues when he is communicating these issues. Pay close attention to what is being left unsaid. Keep an eye on his lips, posture, eyes, and how he is holding his arms. Are his lips pursed? Are his fist clenched?

All of these things will pinpoint to you if he’s angry, if he’s confused, if he doubts what he is saying, or if he is sad or torn. Are his word spoken with conviction, force or doubt?

It’s very important that you get a good grip on this, because his true feelings very much matter in how you approach him and try to work this out.

You should calmly ask your husband if he will share the events or feelings that lead up to his wanting to separate. (He’ll probably continue to be evasive.) You can ask a few follow up questions if you like but don’t badger him or keep on going if he is resistant. Let your husband know that you are very much available if and when he wants to talk about it and leave it at that.  

He may reject you or act negatively, but at least you’ve opened the door to healthy conversation and he will remember this later.

Hopefully, you’ve been able to read his clues, unspoken words, and body language to gauge where your husband’s head is right now. This is important because the stance you take and the responses you should give will greatly depend upon this.

For example, if your husband shows defiance, hostility, coldness, or aggression, then you would approach the situation from a place of calming these emotions.

The method would be different if your husband is exhibiting sadness, fear, or severe anxiety. In this case, you would approach him coming from a place of reassurance.

What Your Husband Really Means Versus What He Is Saying (Reading Between The Mixed Signals): It can very hard to believe your husband’s words and take him seriously when he’s asking for his distance while holding or reassuring you or sending you mixed signals.

In the end though, most men who say they want a break or separation are trying to verbalize that they’ve lost a feeling or intimacy and closeness and they don’t know how to (or they don’t currently want to) get it back.

They feel that they need a break to evaluate these feelings. Now you may not believe this, but sometimes this works to your advantage.

What To Do When Your Husband Ask For A Separation Even Though He Says He Still Loves You: There are usually two phases to consider here. Typically, you have the phase where the husband first starts to mention the separation. This is the phase where they are the least sure about what they really want and this is where you have an in.

Honestly, you probably already know what your husband really wants. You’ve acted in such a way before so that he’s fallen deeply in love with you. (So much so that he married you.) You know the attributes that he was most attracted to (probably attentiveness, sense of humor, easy going personality, etc.) Now is your chance to again present these attributes to your husband on a regular basis without being too obvious about it.

So without being a doormat or handing your power over, just begin to show your husband more of what drew him to you in the first place. (Important – you have to play this in the right, convincing way.)

The second phase is when the husband is absolutely sure he wants the separation and has talked about it for a while or has one foot out the door. This may sound risky, but please bear with me. The best thing to do here is to look him right in the eye and tell him that he is right. Tell him that you agree the relationship needs work and that you are really looking forward to working on yourself. 

Then, go out, see friends and do those things that make you happy. This is likely going to peak your husband’s interest and when it does, you are going to then display those characteristics that he first fell in love with. And, allowing him the time to think will often give him time to miss you and realize how much he has probably jumped the gun. 

Many times, after a brief separation the husband realizes that the grass is not really greener on the other side of the fence and comes home, apologies flowing, and ready to work things out. When he does, meet him with an open heart, but a renewed conviction to continue working on yourself and doing what will make you (and in turn both of you) happy.

I hear of scenarios that describe this situation quite a bit. I often hear things like: “my husband insists that he still loves me, but doesn’t feel that he can be with me right now. He says he needs space and some time away to decide where he wants to go with this. He feels that he needs to be on his own for a while. I just can not understand this. How can you love someone but then doubt that you want to be married to them?”

This can be a very difficult question for a wife to wrap her brain around. Typically, in our minds, if we love someone and things are not falling apart around us, nothing should change. It’s a simple equation to us. We love each other. We made a commitment. End of story. And we don’t understand why our husbands don’t see it in this same way.

The truth is, it’s impossible to 100% understand or even embrace someone else s’ thought process – especially when you do not share it. There is very little that you can do to control or change that. However, there is a lot that you can do about the situation at hand. And, the things that you can do may not be what you’re inclined or tempted to do. I will discuss how to understand and handle this situation in the following article.

Accept What He Says At Face Value And Focus On Changing His Perceptions Rather Than On Changing His Words: The biggest initial mistake that I see folks make is that they focus on semantics. I often hear wives dwelling on things like “how can he love me but not be in love with me?,” or “how can he not want to be married to me when he swears that he still feels the same?”

The truth is, you might never get a satisfactory answer to these questions. In fact, his attempted answer might confuse you, or anger you, or hurt you even more. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to accept what he says as fact. He might well be confused, projecting his own issues onto you and the marriage, or just be out and out wrong. But, he’s likely not going to change his mind just because you argue with him or point out the flaws in his thinking.

Many wives will go on an all out campaign to talk him (or guilt him) into staying. What they don’t often realize is that they are really weakening their position. Because think about it for a minute. What you really want if for your husband to decide two things. You want him to continue on with his thinking that he loves you, but you want for him to take this even further and decide that he wants to be with you and committed to you 100%.

How likely is this if he stays while dragging his feet, pouting, and looking out the window with longing eyes? If you go about it all wrong, but manage to keep him with you under duress, then really, all you’ve done is bought yourself a little bit of low quality time. Because eventually, he’s going to want to break away again. And, when he does, it’s going to be much harder for you, if not impossible, to reign all of this back in.

What you want to do instead is to change his perceptions. Because right now, he’s likely thinking that yes, he does love you, but that he does not love being married to you. He likely suspects that his life is going to be better, for whatever reason, if he’s alone. That’s why he’s wanting to test out his theory. No, I’m not a man, but I hear enough from them that I pretty much know how many of them think in this situation.

What’s standing between him leaving and him staying is his perceptions, not his feelings. That’s why you must take the feelings at face value and place your efforts on the perceptions.

Changing What Your Husband Is Thinking In A Genuine Way So That He Wants To Stay In The Marriage: Once this whole concept is explained, many wives intuitively understand this. However, it can be difficult for them to embrace it or to try it because it feels very risky. If you don’t fight his wanting to try being on his own or having some space, what if this then becomes a permanent thing? What if he does see that he likes being with out you?

Well, I guess this is possible. But, you’re going to tackle those perceptions that we talked about. And, in my opinion, this is the only option that allows you to know that he has come to this decision on his own and is really quite sure about it. You want him present, enthusiastic, and without doubts. This is the way to do that.

Once many women realize this, they will be tempted to shower their husbands with affection, attention, and happy talk. Unfortunately, this often comes across as both fake and too little too late. You want to act in such a way that is going to be believable. And, you want to focus on things that are sustainable. You really want to resist luring him in with something that you can’t maintain because down the road he’s potentially going to feel like he was made some false promises and, once again, it will be harder to reign all of this back in when he’s tempted to stray off on his own again.

Here’s what wives often don’t realize. They already hold the secrets and the key to this man’s interest and happiness. You’ve already walked down this path. You’re already intrigued him and made him smile with your laugh and your outlook. But so often, we stop laughing, we stop being happy go lucky, and we allow every day life stressors to erase the joy from our lives. In the wake of this, life becomes monotonous, boring, and heavy.

As the result, men begin to perceive that the grass is greener somewhere else. Your job is to change this perception. And you are more capable of this than you likely believe.