Anger is completely normal, however, when it gets out of control, it affects all aspects of life including but not limited to family life and professional life. It is considered to be one of the major causes of failure in several relationships. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure increases.

Feng shui has several cures for your anger issues, and one of the most effective anger cure is the Yin water cure.

The most harmful form of anger is the unexpressed anger. It results in passive-aggressive behavior. It is critically important to learn how to constructively express your anger. One of the books that deal with this topic in-depth is “Radical Honesty” by Brad Blanton.

There are several ways to deal with anger, one of the most common ways to deal with anger in western civilization the instinctive natural way of expressing it aggressively. The other two common ways are suppressing your anger, or, calming down your anger.

One of the most effective ways to deal with anger is calm yourself down from inside-out. When it comes to controlling anger, most people think of it in terms of external behavior control. However, the real issue at heart here is the control of your angry emotions on the inside. When you control your anger from the inside, you deal with your emotions first, and secondly you deal with your reactions to those emotions.

To apply the feng shui Yin water cure, get yourself a beautiful vase to create an atmosphere of peace and harmony. The potent magic of vase works when it is used in combination of flowing water. Water has the power of diluting and absorbing negative energy that results from anger.

Moon empowered yin water is perfect cure for quarrels between lovers and spouses. Moon empowered yin water is created by placing an urn full of water on the grounds of your house or balcony of your apartment on a full night moon. When this is done, water absorbs the calming and soothing energy of moon. When you pour this water in beautiful vase and re-circulate it using a beautiful fountain, it acts as a powerful peacekeeper.

Using a painting that displays a vase in the moonlight can stimulate the same effect and cure the anger issues.

Feng shui has several potent cures to deal with your personal issues. A water fountain is one of the most effective feng shui element. To learn more about feng shui benefits of water fountains, experience the calmness and serenity that a beautiful water fountain has to offer.

Anger is one emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It is built into our system and has a purpose for our lives. Thomas Fuller called it ‘the sinew of our souls,’ as long as it is expressed constructively and does not sabotage our marriage.

Charles Darwin was of the opinion that human behaviour contains residuals of responses found in animals or primitive man, required for their survival. Humans having involved into higher beings, these residual responses are hidden in the subconscious, and are activated only when provoked. However, not all scientists concur with Darwin. The perceptual-motivation theory is more balanced and acceptable. It suggests that when an individual appraises a provoking stimulus as pleasant or unpleasant, he emotes according to his judgement.

Anger is a distinct feeling of displeasure at a real or imaginary wrong. It causes the adrenaline to flow, the blood pressure to rise, the face to flush, and breathing to be laboured. It is an extremely powerful emotion with the potential to destroy marital bliss and interpersonal relationships.

Different ways of expressing Anger:

• Open hostility to the spouse. Men who batter their wives are said to be angry, resentful, suspicious and moody. Though they may be well behaved in public, home is the arena where they display their darker side.

But anger is not exclusively a masculine trait. Women too can be angry. Though they may not be physically strong enough to bash their husbands, they can be abusive and insulting. Verbal abuse is very high in urban situations. Its effects last much longer than physical abuse. Many families have a ‘hot temper’ problem.

Abraham Lincoln’s wife Mary Todd Lincoln was believed to have had a raging temper. She was not only abusive but would physically abuse her husband with firewood, or pelt him with potatoes. On one occasion, she even chased him around the courtyard at Springwell, with a kitchen knife. Even after she became First Lady and moved to the White House, the staff was terrified of her sharp tongue.

Anger can even take on a subtle form of smother love, where the husband pampers his wife and does things for her, while totally isolating her and stifling her competence and creativity.

• Crying or wailing when angry is sometimes a woman’s way of expressing anger.

• Remaining silent, stifling anger and letting it build up inside like a smouldering volcano waiting to erupt. This will manifest itself in altered physiological functioning and consequently ill health. A study done by an independent research firm in Wisconsin, analyzed marital discord and its effect on heart disease and overall mortality. They found that those who kept suppressing their anger, activated stress hormones which adversely affected health. Heart attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension can occur. Symptoms of gastric ulcer surface in those who continuously suppress anger. One surgeon said that 97% of his ulcer patients were angry people.

Prolonged emotional tension can also produce behavioural changes. Adolf Meyer describes the role of emotional factors in physical and mental health as psycho-parallelism.

• Damaging attitudes like withdrawal, poor application to work, inability to get on with colleagues and also difficulty holding down a job.

Results of Uncontrolled Anger.

1. Marital Conflict: Anger threatens unity and stability of families. In some families quarreling is a habit. Both spouses may have short fuses. The children begin to ape their parents.

2. Strained relationships: Anger patterns can get destructive and ugly.

3. Child abuse: Angry parents can viciously attack their children. The incidence of child abuse by parents is escalating, and is not restricted to lower socio-economic groups. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere turn into angry adults. They react in three ways – passive resistance by silence and non-cooperation, retaliation or open rebellion.

What causes anger?

• Frustration: Feeling of being misunderstood or taken for granted; Needs are not met. Sometimes anger may be disproportionate to the actual provocation.

• Fear of violence, illness, loss of job, or loss of loved one.

• Hurt by the indifference of the one you love. It may be emotional, physical or relational.

• Exhaustion: Overburdened with work, stress, lack of appreciation and injustice.

Anger Management in the home.

1. Understand Anger: It is an inherent component of all relationships. Oliver and Wright in their book “Pressure Point,” say that “disagreement in relationships are inevitable and a fundamental part of achieving intimacy.” So one needs to find healthy ways of expressing anger. Spouses must understand and appreciate their differences. Such an attitude will lead to intimacy.

2. Fight constructively: Couples must learn to ventilate anger without tearing each other’s self esteem to shreds. Those who learn to fight constructively will ensure the longevity of their marriage. However, frequent disagreements are bound to weaken the bonds of love.

3. Honesty: Accept that you are angry. Analyze the reasons for your anger. What triggered it off?

4. Avoid arguments in the heat of the moment. Sort things out when you are in a better mood. Ask yourself whether you are also to blame. Denying your part in the disagreement makes resolution of the problem difficult. Healthy arguments testify to a strong marriage. But the blame game is dangerous. Disagree without hurting each other.

5. Control your tongue. Breathe deeply and psyche yourself to relax. “A fool gives vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”(Proverbs 29:11) Sometimes, moving away from the scene gives a better perspective of the problem. Yoga and meditation have helped people to take control of their temper.

6. Listen to each other. It is very important to understand the other’s point of view. “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get at the cause are committing marital suicide,” says Broderick.

7. Sublimating one’s anger through physical exercise, creative activity or some other form of recreation helps to diffuse anger. Such activities take the sting out of this explosive emotion and help one discuss matters in a quieter frame of mind. Negotiation and resolution of problems are then possible.

8. Resolve never to go to sleep with anger in your heart. Make up with your spouse before you turn in for the night. As the Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin; Let not the sun go down when you are angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27.)

9. Forgiveness will lead to restoration of broken relationships. Harbouring grudges imposes a heavy burden on the heart. The hurt becomes magnified and unbearable. By forgiving, we stop hurting ourselves and the other person. Abraham Lincoln was able to live with his abusive wife because of a spirit of forgiveness. It made him patient and tolerant.

Forgiveness must also mean letting go of the offence and making a promise never to use it as a weapon in every subsequent quarrel. Forgiveness is difficult. It can only be done by God’s grace. “Forgive as the Lord forgives you.” The feeling of peace that follows is indescribable.

Anger has never hurt anyone.

You read that right: Anger has never hurt anyone. “But what about homicide? Domestic violence? Barfights?” you ask. “Those are the results of anger, and people definitely do get hurt.”

People are hurt by aggression and violence, not by anger. Anger is an emotion. It’s a feeling, like love, or regret, or joy. Feelings are internal experiences. They are not the same as behavior.

Unlike anger, aggression is a behavior. Violence is a behavior. People do get hurt by aggression and violence every day. But anger by itself is only a feeling, and like any other feeling, it’s harmless in and of itself.

However, there are people who don’t know what to do with their angry feelings. Some of these people learned early in life that when they’re angry, the thing to do is to lash out at people, things, or themselves. They do damage with aggression and violence because they don’t know what else to do with their anger.

Others who never learned how to express anger in a healthy way, just keep it inside, turning it on themselves and therefore becoming depressed. Or they develop a very negative outlook on life that feeds the simmering anger inside. Feelings that can’t be expressed do internal damage, but they never hurt anyone else. Only behavior is hurtful; and a feeling is not a behavior.

Because so many people have difficulty expressing anger appropriately, our culture has an inordinate fear of anger. There is even research “proving” that expressing anger leads only to more anger, and is counter-therapeutic. The fact is, angry people get more and more angry only when they feel like nobody hears or cares about their feelings. When one’s expression of any feeling is acknowledged, understood and accepted by others, de-escalation occurs naturally.

Understand and learn about anger. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion. It occurs when there is a sense of threat. The body responds by preparing to fight an attacker, or flee the place of danger. This response is called fight and flight. It causes the body to become tense and the mind to focus on any signs of danger. Learning about anger and how it affects you will help you learn effective anger management techniques.

Recognise and challenge angry thoughts. When people are angry their thinking is affected. Thinking is distorted because the brain is looking for information about possible threats. This causes biased thinking and means you will give more attention to negative signals when angry. Start to pay attention to the thoughts you have leading up to an anger outburst. Write them down. Then, when you are feeling calm look at the thoughts and see if they are realistic or if they are biased. As you practice noticing and challenging your angry thoughts controlling anger will become easier.

Know your anger triggers. Anything that causes an increase in your anger level can be a trigger. The more aware you are of your anger triggers the better anger control you will have. To find out your anger triggers notice what happens around you as your anger is increasing. Also notice what you are thinking and how your body is responding. Write down the events leading up to an outburst. What was happening? Who were you with? Where were you? What were you thinking? What were you doing? What was being talked about? Answering these questions for each anger episode will help you find your anger triggers.

Take responsibility for your behaviour. Make a commitment to take responsibility for the effect of your behaviour and to get the help you need to change it. Anger management is successful and effective. Do not give up when it gets difficult. There are many ways to get help with controlling anger. It will take time to practice the skills you need and develop anger control. But it is worth the effort to live a happier, calmer life.

Many husbands who are caught having an affair will exhibit some anger. Many actually turn their anger on their wives. They are embarrassed and humiliated by being caught and so they will act and indignant and lash out. However, some husbands will go to the other extreme – they will be angry, alright. But at themselves. At first glance, you would think that their anger at themselves would be a good thing. And it can be – at least initially. But many husbands take this too far. Their anger at themselves can sort of paralyze them and leave them unreceptive to doing anything that might help to get them out of the mess.

Here’s an example of how a wife might explain it: “when I caught my husband cheating, he literally started banging his head against the wall. I had to stop him to keep him from hurting himself. Then he starting hitting himself on the top of his head with his hands. I stopped him on that day, but every day since, he is on edge. He tells me that he hates himself. He says that he is deplorable person. He told my mother that I would be better off if I divorced him because I deserve better than him and then he started sobbing. As weird as it might sound, I do want to save my marriage. But my husband turns around everything that I say. No matter what the topic of conversation is, he will bring it back to how he is a ‘no good s.o.b.’ and then I’m left not knowing what to say. The only thing really to say is ‘no, you’re not a bad person.’ At the same time, though, I am still angry. And I don’t want to be in a position where I’m trying to get him to come around. Because I almost feel as if the roles should be reversed. Last night, he was sitting in the dark and crying. I asked him what was wrong and his answer was ‘I hate myself.’ He’s always angry. He snaps at the kids and he has never done this before. He gets short with me, but then he backs down. But his anger at himself bleeds into the rest of our lives and I’m not sure how to handle it.”

You’re already touched on one of the biggest challenges with this. You’re mad at him and you want him to be sorry and to deeply feel his mistake. But when he postures with this self-hatred, he puts you in a position where you’re almost building him up when he doesn’t necessarily deserve that, at least right now.

Potential Depression Is Never Something That You Should Ignore: Some of the behaviors you are seeing could be symptoms of depression. And a man who is depressed or has low self esteem is more likely to cheat, could be suffering greatly, and is not a joy to live with. So depression could well have been a risk factor all along. That’s why, as mad as you are at him, it would help every one if he would work on himself and try to raise his self-worth. And as much as you might like to help, it really is self-work. Frankly, a therapist or some very targeted self help are probably going to be the most effective and necessary. Mental health and depression are things that require very targeted attention. Most of us are not objective or qualified enough to help our spouse. And the added benefit of having a third party helping him his with his anger and his self esteem is that you are not having to walk the tight rope of being the one who is having to build him up while also being the one who is angry.

Him Becoming Stronger Only Benefits You And Your Marriage: If you do want to save your marriage, his working on his self-worth will only benefit you. Honestly, your marriage will be stronger when you are dealing with two mentally healthy people who aren’t going through life feeling flawed and like they do not deserve happiness.

Hopefully, self work can make your husband understand that the best way to make himself less hate-worthy is to become the man he wants to be and to become the husband that you deserve. That is the only way to make this right. If he doesn’t try to do that, then he remains the flawed individual who is full of self-loathing and who remains angry.

Neither of you can change the affair. But what you can change is what happens moving forward. It’s going to be quite a challenge if he continues on angry and full of self-wrath. And, depression is nothing to play around with. It is better to be safe than sorry in this regard. I can not stress how important it is to get him some help – regardless of what happens with your marriage. Because you are both suffering as a result of what he is going through. And you will both benefit if he gets some help and starts to see things a little differently. Once he does, he will likely be more effective with rehabilitation, which is an added bonus.

The question of anger came up often in the Edgar Cayce readings, no matter the age of the person receiving the readings. Here is a selection of these remarks:

The influences from Mars, as we find, make for one who may oft show its anger, its resentment, in associations, in those things that lie very close to the inner man. Yet there has been, through the sojourns in Venus and Jupiter, brought to the attention of the inner self that fact: He without a temper or without resentment or without care may manifest very little. And he that does not control resentment, he that does not control anger, he that does not control that urge for the egotism in self, is indeed worse than he that has none; for such may make for stumbling blocks and experiences that bring distraughtness and disturbances, not only of self as to the thoughts of self but to the fellow man.

For, as has oft been said in the experiences in the earth, unless the high ideal is set, or unless the ideal of self is set in the spiritual attributes that partake of the Creative Forces or energies that may manifest in or through men in their material activity, little of value or of worth may come – and less of growth of the soul for its return to its former state with and in the creative energies that may manifest in the spiritual, the mental or the material world. Unless the activities are founded in spirit of the Creative Forces, they must eventually come to naught. 956-1

From Mars we find a tendency for the body-mind at times to be easily aroused to anger. Anger is correct, provided it is governed. For it is as material things in the earth that are not governed. There is power even in anger. He that is angry and sinneth not controls self. He that is angry and allows such to become the expression in the belittling of self, or the self-indulgence of self in any direction, brings to self those things that partake of the spirit of that which is the product or influence of anger itself. 361-4

Train or teach thy associates not only to be worthwhile but worthwhile for something, for an ideal! Not as of country, but that just to be kind, just to be gentle, patient, long-suffering and with brotherly love is greater than they that may be able to lift many weights or to tear down many cities. For he that is able to control his oven temper, his own purpose, is greater than he that may even take seven cities. Then, let thy activities then be such that “The Law of the Lord is ever before me,” if ye would find harmony and peace in thy sojourn in the present. 1610-2

To be sure, the entity loses patience easily; but who knows it – but self? While this is well, it is also well at times to give vent to one’s feelings. As He gave, “Be angry but sin not; condemn no one; put not a curse upon any thing or body; be angry, yes, but in the Lord.” 2778-2

It is well that anger and its ability for expression be existent, but woe indeed to those who allow same to become stumbling blocks, and to cause hate, malice and injustice to be dealt in any manner to their fellow men! For, know indeed, as ye do it unto the least of thy brethren, ye do it unto thy Maker; and ye must meet thyself and that manner of soul ye present to thy Maker. For ye must – as all – stand before Him and be judged according to the measure ye have meted to thy fellow man! 2132-1

The entity is an Uranian. Thus the intuition, the entity’s ability to see those things pertaining to the humorous or ridiculous in any experience or activity. These have oft been the saving experience under trying circumstances for the entity.

Never lose thy humor, and you will not get mad as often. 3006-1

The entity becomes very sensitive at times, and at such times becomes aggravated, flies off the handle as it were, says things it doesn’t mean, but is so sincere that if it has spoken a word it will stick to it though it hurts all the while. Hardheaded, pessimistic. These are the faults. Correct these in thy associations. First have a reason for correcting them, not merely that ye may be well-spoken of, not merely that ye may get along with people, but because it is right! For remember, every virtue has its own reward – in the application of that virtue in the experience with others.

Don’t so oft act by the letting of your temper get away with you, so that you are really ashamed of yourself. And don’t become so boastful of those activities. For these are gradually building those things that may become stumbling blocks throughout the experience or sojourn.

Minimize the faults of everyone, magnify the virtues of everyone. Seek to know where ye agree with every individual or friend ye meet, what you have in common. Magnify those things that would bring you closer together, stressing those things on which you agree. Disregard those on which you disagree – not merely because you wish to be popular, but rather that through thy activities, through thy choice of associations ye may manifest the glory of the Son as He manifested the Father in the earth.

For the Master, Jesus, even the Christ, is the pattern for every man in the earth, whether he be Gentile or Jew, Parthenian or Greek. For all have the pattern, whether they call on that name or not; but there is no other name given under heaven whereby men may be saved from themselves.

And as ye find in thyself, it is only thyself from which ye are to be saved – hardheadedness and your pessimism! 3528-1

I recently became aware of some powerful attractive forces which have been working in my life for a long period of time.

Uncovering the source of many of my life’s problems was a huge moment of relief. I realised that an unconscious behaviour pattern, which was established in my youth, had been perpetuating many of my problems and difficulties.

When things start appearing in life which you’re dissatisfied with, you might become angry and try to push them away. But what if you’re the cause of these situations and circumstances and they are trying to teach you something? What if pushing them away only draws more of the same into your life?

There’s a well known sports related visualisation technique called visual motor rehearsal. In the film The Secret, Denis Waitley talks about this technique which he used in the olympics to train athletes.

When the athletes were told to rehearse in their minds the action in their sports, the same muscles fired in the same order as they would during an actual physical situation.

The mind didn’t know the difference between the actual physical circumstances and the visualisation techniques. The things we ‘see’ and rehearse in the mind are brought about in reality as situations, events and circumstances.

My problem was, I was rehearsing fighting with my brother. I was ‘stuck’ in this ‘daydream’ because it was how I remembered my brother after he had died. It was the most powerful way to remember him.

I created a number of actual physical confrontations and got heavily into the martial arts for a number of years.

When things continued to be difficult, frustrating and confrontational in working life, I withdrew from life and from work altogether to avoid the pain associated with these feelings I kept perpetuating.

I kept asking myself why was my life so difficult. Surly this isn’t what most people experience in life? Why was everything so painful and emotionally draining?

Once I uncovered this insight into my own mind, I could see the truth of what I was continually creating in life. I was angry and not at peace in my own mind. Therefore I kept perpetuating difficult, traumatic circumstances.

I am sure that many people are doing this – creating adversity because it gives their life meaning and importance, in some way. In what ways do you make yourself important at the expense of your peace of mind and happiness?

What visual images are you continually thinking about?

Many of my ‘daydreams’ were patterns of thinking which I was unconscious of. It took a lot of pain and insight to stop and really take a close look at my thoughts and emotional habit patterns.

I began meditating and quit drinking alcohol. I started spending more time on positive habits and less time with people who reinforced negative, and angry emotions within me.

This took some time. With regular daily meditation I became more aware of my thinking processes. When I drifted into a negative thinking pattern, I was able to notice. Whereas for years I must have run these old programs on autopilot.

This process was like letting go of who I thought I was.

When you identify with a certain emotion, you begin to think you are that emotion. You begin to think you are your thoughts. When there’s nothing to fight against, large pieces of your world view fall away. It feels like you’re losing your mind.

Who are we without our problems and difficulties? They often define us and give us our identity. They give us structure to hold on to!

When you become the observer, through learning meditation, you can notice what’s going on inside and realise how it controls your life.

So if you’re giving a lot of time and attention to negative, angry and difficult emotions, thoughts and words, consider that you may be addicted to them. You may be giving yourself an identity to hold on to, because without it, you won’t know who you are.

Think about which friends you hang about with. Do you talk about things which annoy and frustrate you? To really change your life, you must stop giving thoughts and attention to the things which grow your angers and frustrations. Stop spending time with people who anger you and bring up those angry and frustrated feelings within you.

Learn how to meditate and detach yourself from your thinking. Learn to be the silent watcher. There’s power in being an observer and not always being the talker who has to engage and react.

The law of attraction is a powerful force in life. If we are to learn how to use it properly to create more enjoyment and improve our lives, we must first become more conscious of the thoughts and emotions we are living already. Without this awareness, we will continue to create more difficulties on an unconscious level and blame the law of attraction saying it isn’t working. When in fact it does work. You just don’t understand how yet!

After a stroke, it’s common for the patient to experience a range of emotions, including anger. While angry and aggressive behavior in a patient can be stressful for caregivers, it’s important that they understand possible causes of the anger and what they can do to minimize it.

The three most common causes of anger after a stroke are grief, depression and the brain damage caused by the stroke. The treatment method for the anger will depend on its cause.

A stroke can result in a significant loss for the patient. While some patients make a full recovery or end up with only minimal impairment, others have a significant loss in motor skills, speaking ability and vision. When a patient has lost some of their physical or mental abilities, it can cause the same type of grief as any other significant loss. The traditional five stages of the grieving process are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, people often don’t go through these stages in a linear fashion, instead bouncing from stage to stage.

The only way for a patient to handle anger caused by grief is to go through it. Caregivers can help with this by talking to the patient about their feelings, giving them a therapeutic outlet.

Depression is common after a stroke, and it can manifest itself with a wide range of symptoms, such as a pessimistic attitude, anxiety, insomnia, a hopeless feeling and anger. It’s important to treat depression and not assume it will simply go away. One of the first ways to treat post-stroke depression is through social support. Loneliness is a common cause of depression, and just spending time with friends and family members can make a patient feel better.

Lifestyle changes can also treat post-stroke depression and, consequently, the anger that results from it. The patient should eat a nutritious, balanced diet, get at least some form of physical activity and take 10 to 20 minutes per day to meditate, which can be very calming. The patient should have some sort of hobby or activity that they enjoy doing, to make their life more fun and exciting. Even if the patient can’t return to previous activities they enjoyed because of their impairment, they can still pick up a new hobby.

Brain damage can also result in anger after a stroke or other mood swings. In this case, all that caregivers can do is help the patient with their treatments and wait to see if the anger improves. Stroke patients tend to make the majority of their improvements within the first six months after the stroke occurs, and then continue to make smaller improvements over the course of the next couple years.

It is possible that the patient continues to experience anger and make outbursts well after their stroke, especially if it’s brain damage that’s causing the anger. Unfortunately, there is no cure for this, but caregivers can help the patient by handling the situation appropriately.

No matter the cause of the anger, if the patient is feeling angry or lashing out, there are several things a caregiver should do. The first and most important is that the caregiver stays calm and doesn’t meet the patient’s anger with intense emotions of their own. This can be difficult, especially when the patient is a loved one who is making hurtful comments or acting aggressively, but responding emotionally will only escalate the situation. The caregiver should remember that the patient’s behavior is a result of the stroke, which can cause them to say things that they don’t mean.

Gently redirecting the patient’s attention away from the source of their anger often helps defuse the situation. If the patient is upset because of a physical activity that they can no longer do, it may help to mention new hobbies that they enjoy. Once the caregiver has determined a source of the patient’s anger, they should take steps to avoid situations that will trigger it. For example, if the patient is easily agitated among a crowd of people, it’s best to avoid those types of situations entirely.

If the patient becomes violent, the caregiver should exit the situation immediately and get help from someone else. Otherwise, when a caregiver remains calm and doesn’t engage with the patient, it typically results in the patient eventually calming down as their anger subsides.

Anger is normal after a patient has suffered a stroke. While a caregiver can help the patient deal with this anger, in some cases, it may benefit the patient to see a therapist or a psychiatrist. Working with a professional may make it easier for the patient to determine the cause of their anger and find ways to reduce it.

Anger calls for movement and action, increased heart rate, and breathing. When expressed, anger doesn’t linger or transform into rage. It is an emotion without intelligence, and the idea is to let it go and pay attention to what created the anger in the first place-what needs to change and how are you going to respond. Usually this step involves a form of communication to other people and to yourself.

Artists spend significant parts of their lives developing the most authentic ways to communicate their emotions, and most basic emotions can not be articulated into words. Composers and dancers focus on communicating and transforming the deepest emotions from something that can hurt them to something beautiful. It’s a choice they make.

In theater, it’s not a problem to attach an emotion to a sound and breath it out. You don’t always need to wait for someone else to make you angry. Emotions build over time, and as you tap into them, they will decrease in intensity and you will feel more connected to your less intense emotions. Anxiety and tension block this process so a portion of the work is to loosen muscle tension.

Start small by expressing a little bit of anger, call it expressing an annoyance. Practice this and the more you learn to express it, the better you can manage the emotion when you are around other people. Dealing with emotions like this takes time and practice, it’s an active process different from taking a pill which is passive.

Painting, dancing, writing, etc. are all used to find better ways to express and work through emotions. Other ways are talking about your feelings and searching for other ways to express your self with your body. Each of us has unique ways of expression and some of them are healthier than others.

Once you uncover a way for you to process anger and begin to listen to its messages, you will notice its intensity drop, allowing for a wider range of emotions to arise like joy and happiness and other subtler emotions. Anger will no longer overwhelm all of your other emotions. The important aspect of mind and body is that once you convince yourself that it is a valid point of view, you can begin to build personal techniques to attend to your emotions by monitoring your body and then responding to the feelings by allowing for self-expression.

I recently heard from a very upset and conflicted wife. She told me, in part: “My husband had an affair about eight months ago. I promised to hold off on a divorce because we have children and I want to keep my family in tact. But, I’m having a hard time getting over this and moving on. My husband expects me to just put it behind me as though nothing ever happened. I’m having a very hard time doing that, but if I let on that I’m struggling my husband gets very impatient and mad. He often asks me things like ‘how long do you plan to cling to this and punish me?’ I don’t want to continue on like this, but I’m still hurting and I don’t think that it’s fair for me to just have to pretend that everything is fine. What can I do? I want to move on, but I can’t seem to. And his pressuring me is only making me more and more angry.”

In my opinion, the wife was completely justified in her frustrations. It was the husband’s actions (and his affair) that set this whole unfortunate set of circumstances into action. The wife had made a concession not to immediately divorce her husband and she was doing her very best to move on. However, these things were apparently not enough for him.

This situation is not all that uncommon. I hear of similar situations all of the time. Often, the husband in this scenario feels very uncomfortable with the fall out from his actions so he hopes that he can strong arm his wife into not bringing it up or reacting to it anymore (since these reactions are uncomfortable for him.) What he often doesn’t understand is that this strategy is going to backfire on him in a big way. Many times, if the wife can make him understand that his behavior is going to do more harm than good, this will encourage him to back off somewhat. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Making The Husband Understand That The Wife’s Healing And Ability To “Get Over The Affair” Can Not Be Rushed: Although the husband clearly doesn’t understand or embrace this, there is no set time frame as to how long it takes to “get over” or to “move on” after being betrayed by an affair. How long this takes depends upon many factors like the circumstances and people involved, as well as how much help and support is available to the wife as she begins to move forward.

Frankly, the husband would likely get a much better response if he would show his wife some support and understanding rather than pressuring her. She would likely feel that he was working with her rather than working against her. I felt that the wife should attempt to make her husband understand this. I suggested that the next time the husband began showing anger or impatience, she should say something like: “I understand that you want to move on from this more quickly than I am able to. Believe me when I say that I wish we had our old life also. I don’t enjoy struggling the way that I am. Like you, I wish that this had never happened, but none of this was within my control. I’m not trying to punish you. I do want to be happy and I want to save our marriage, but there are some issues that we are going to need to work through in order for these things to happen. I believe that if you would help me work through these things rather than pressuring me to navigate them too quickly, we might get a better result. Will you work with me rather than against me? Can we approach this together rather than being on opposite sides? I want to move forward as quickly as I can, but if I’m rushed, we’re just going to keep revisiting and struggling with the same issues, which I doubt that either of us want.”

You may have to bring this conversation up a few times before it really begins to sink in. And, when your husband begins to become impatient again, you may have to gently remind him that this behavior actually delays your progress rather than speeding it along. Once he begins to realize that you are demanding boundaries and refuse to be rushed, he will often back off. Many times, he is testing things out to see how much you are going to let him push you. Sometimes, it’s only when you push back that he will begin to realize that this strategy is not a good one.

Some Things That May Have Been Keeping The Wife From Being Able To Move On: Although I felt that the wife was completely normal to still be struggling eight months after the affair, there were some suggestions that I could give her to help her to move forward. There are some very common places where wives seem to get stuck. They are often as follows:

• worrying that your husband isn’t really sorry about the affair or might repeat the same behaviors;
• worrying that the affair was somehow your fault and that you’re not able to have a faithful spouse;
• harboring resentment and anger that doesn’t have a healthy outlet;
• not being able or willing to look at the issues and vulnerabilities in both the individuals and the couple to determine why the affair happened and how you can keep it from happening again; and
• allowing your self esteem and self confidence to be so damaged by this betrayal that you continue to doubt yourself and your marriage even when you’ve made a lot of progress.

These are just some of the more common issues that I see popping up. By no means is this an exhaustive list of issues, but I felt this was a good place for the wife to start. If any of these things were issues with her, I suggested that if she could successfully address and fix them, she may be able to have some relief and to eventually move forward in a meaningful way. Obviously, she would need her husband’s help with many of these, but I hoped that once she directly addressed him rather than dancing around the issues, all of these things would be possible