Maybe Your Anger Doesn’t Need To Be Managed!

We hear a lot about anger management techniques, how those who are experiencing strong anger need to learn to contain it, so that it doesn’t flow out at those around them in hurtful or destructive ways. And that’s all good stuff.

But maybe it’s not always about managing the anger. Holding a strong emotion, such as anger, for a long period of time can give rise to depression. We are literally depressing our anger. So what to do? Clearly it’s not appropriate to express your anger in ways that hurt people or damage property. So, is it possible to express anger in a way that is healthy for you, and release the energy it takes to hold it down so that you can use it in more fruitful ways?

Imagine what your life would be like if you had even a little more energy to give to the daily tasks of living. Imagine what it would be like to feel keen and enthusiastic about getting up in the morning, going to work, and enjoying time with friends and family doing what you like best.

Our society has a complicated relationship with anger. On the one hand, we hear in the news about the worst effects of anger. When someone’s anger and rage gets out of control, they may physically injure or maim themselves or others around them; they may damage property or seek revenge in vicious and fraudulent ways. On the other hand, our screens and our books are filled with fictional stories of rage and anger, which in some ways glorifies those who act out their anger.

We are often taught as children that anger is not appropriate, and that we should learn to govern our emotions, by holding them deep within ourselves. We point to examples of people who act out and say to ourselves and our children, we shouldn’t be like that. We are taught that anger is bad, wrong, and by extension, that if we feel it or express it, that we too are bad or wrong.

But it takes a lot of energy to hold feelings under the surface, and increasingly, science is showing us that the impact on our bodies of trying to contain a lifetime’s worth of anger, may give rise to disease or even death. In effect, we are learning that as we can’t kill our brother, we should instead kill ourselves, by holding on to our anger, because we have no safe or appropriate way of handling and releasing it.

Anger is not the bad guy in this story. Our anger has an important function. It is telling us something is wrong in our world. Maybe it’s that someone has overstepped a boundary with us. Maybe it’s telling us that we are experiencing helplessness or powerlessness in some area of our lives. Maybe it’s telling us that we are afraid of someone or something, or that we feel guilt or shame but don’t want that to be seen. Whatever it’s telling us, anger has a message for us, and we need to listen to it.

There are ways, simple effective ways, of releasing anger that can lead us to have healthier bodies and healthier relationships. I am not suggesting here that we express our anger in a way that gives it more energy, that we feed on the momentum of our rage. I am talking about expressing anger in an appropriate way, with a clear intention of releasing it, to find a quieter, more peaceful place on the other side.

Generally, when we are very angry with someone, it is better to release some of that anger in a neutral setting, for example with someone who is not involved, and willing to listen without judgement. Expressing anger with an intention of releasing it is best done when it incorporates these three elements: Movement, sound and breath. So for example, bringing the situation or the person we are angry with to mind, we say aloud what we would like to say to them, while at the same time making some movement with our body, such as dancing, running or walking, hitting or kicking some cushions or other neutral object, and then breathing deeply to allow the energy of the anger to move through our bodies and be expelled on our out-breath. Drawing or painting the situation and then talking with someone about what we have drawn or painted can also be helpful, as can writing about it. Always, the intention is to release the angry energy from our bodies to find a different space beyond.

Few of us can meet a very angry person and hear what they have to say, in other words, hear what might be beneath the anger. When faced with someone whose anger or rage is out of control, most of us will react defensively, and either match the anger with our own, or walk away from the situation. However, when some of the energy has been released, away from the situation, it may be possible to bring our anger into the relationship with the person we are angry with, in a way that they may be able to hear us.

If anger is your “go-to” emotion, or if your anger frightens you or others, and you would like some support with it, then you should consider working with a professional. After all, many of the hurts we experience in our lives we encounter through our relationships, and a relationship that supports us to heal those hurts is an opportunity for a new beginning.

It’s an awful feeling when you know that you are watching your marriage deteriorating before your very eyes. It’s a much worse feeling when you know that this deterioration is potentially all your fault. And that can be especially bad if you’re dealing with something you feel you should learn to control – like your anger.

Someone might explain: “I am fully aware that my anger is destroying my marriage. And what’s so awful is that I was not always this way. I used to be happy-go-lucky and laid back. It used to take quite a bit to get me angry. That is not the case anymore. I have two children under the age of three. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel incredibly overwhelmed. And I suppose because of this, I find myself snapping at just about everyone. My kids. My husband. My mom. Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere but then once it appears, I can’t seem to control it. I will say things that I can not believe are coming out of my mouth. And I will slam things. Last night when we were having dinner, one of the kids mentioned that he did not like the food. Typical toddler stuff. I asked him to try it anyway. He refused. And I got up, left the table, and pushed my chair in so loud, it made him cry. My husband went after me and told me he did not recognize the person I had become. He asked me when I had become an angry person. I told him that I don’t know. He said he is not sure how much longer he can live this way. He said that he had told himself he would never put his children through a broken home, but he insisted that my anger is very unhealthy for them also. How do I stop my anger from destroying my family and my marriage?”

Well, I’m not a therapist or a specialist in anger, but it doesn’t take a specialist to know that it’s vital to get your anger under control as soon as possible. And I know from watching friends go through this that women’s anger can be a little trickier than men’s anger. Because much of the time, hormones are involved – especially after a recent pregnancy, which seems to be the case here. I’m not a doctor, so I am only speculating and I would strongly encourage you to see one. But it would make sense, especially considering the fact that you’ve never had anger issues before.

My first stop would be to get my hormones evaluated and to follow up with any suggestions that my doctor might have. I would see a therapist who specializes in women’s issues. I don’t have to tell you how damaging this can be to your family. Because you already know that. And the fact that you have self awareness about it is a good thing – because not every one does. Many people are not only angry, but they are defensive – denying that the anger even exists and blaming every one else.

That is not the case here. You are aware of what is going on and you are motivated to change it – which is half the battle already. Even if there are hormones involved which get fixed, I’d suspect that you’re still going to have to work at changing your triggers and habits. Because if this has gone on for a while, it has become a habit. Once you’re triggered by something, you resort to what has become your go – to method of handling it – your anger. In order to break this cycle, you have to recognize the trigger, and then employ a new, more positive method to deal with it. Do this enough times and the habit is broken and replaced with the more appropriate one.

I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s a case of “mind over matter” because I don’t believe that it’s as simple as that. I believe that it would really help to see a professional that can help you see exactly what is going on and offer you the most efficient way to handle it.

But noticing it and being willing to change are good signs that show you have the necessary self awareness and motivation to change. Your family will be much better off and I am sure you will feel much better too. Because you’re probably suffering from guilt and shame heaped on top of the anger, which just feeds into the whole negative cycle.

You may want to let your husband know about these realizations because it may help him to be a little more patient. The next time this topic comes up, you might try something like: “you are absolutely right. This isn’t like me. That’s not an excuse, but you know that this isn’t typical behavior for me. That’s why I feel that I need to be evaluated and treated by someone. I want to stop this, but I suspect that hormones are involved because of my pregnancies and I’m going to need help fixing that. I am committed to fixing it, though. And I’d like to ask you to help me by supporting me and bringing my attention to it when you see any anger cropping up. You know that I’m very committed to being the best wife and mother I can possibly be. And part of that means that I need to address this immediately. I hope that you support me in this.”

I feel strongly that he will likely throw his support behind you. It only benefits him for you to fix this to and return back to your old self. And even he’s admitted that this is not typical behavior for you. So it is likely pretty clear to him that you’re not doing this on purpose.

In my live complaint resolution seminars, I demonstrate the martial art Aikido and offer it as a strategy for diffusing anger. I began teaching this unconventional approach to managing conflict after having my breath taken away as I watched Steven Segal effortlessly defeat his opponents without violence or aggression in half a dozen of his movies. Aikido is a nonviolent martial art that never meets force with force and can be applied to conflict situations with demanding, irate or unreasonable customers. (I’ve personally applied Aikido to situations with customers, employees and co-workers.) Using the principles of Aikido, you too can diffuse anger and demonstrate amazing control over all aspects of verbal attacks.

People using “verbal aikido” can respond to heated situations directly and assertively without being pulled into the drama of the battle and they can lay the foundation for win-win resolutions that maintain the customer’s loyalty – even with angry customers. Here are 7 Aikido principles that will help you more effectively respond to anger.

1. An Aikidoist strategically calms down the attack. This is done by both the use of relaxed body posture and open hands. Verbal attacks from irate customers also need the same calming strategy. In Aikido, the master will step aside rather than confront the attack. This takes the power and speed out of the attack and allows the master to stay centered and calm. When you respond to your customer with “Clearly, we’ve upset you and getting to the bottom of this is just as important to me as it is to you.” anger begins to dissipate. You’ve addressed the anger directly and non defensively and you haven’t been pulled into the drama of the attack.

2. Aikido never meets force with force. In fact, there are no direct attacks and very little striking or kicking. When dealing with angry customers it is natural to respond to an attack with an attack. If the customer yells, we escalate our voice. When the attack gets personal, we become defensive and less willing to work with the customer. While we may feel justified in launching our attack because we’ve been attacked, we must realize that a defensive (forceful) response only escalates the original problem. Let’s learn from the Aikido masters and not attack back defensively. Instead, we will respond carefully and strategically.

3. Aikido emphasizes quick, decisive movements that are designed to use the attacker’s force against him. This is done through evasive movements, body shifting, and leverage. Taking this to a verbal level, you’d take a customer’s intensity and sense of urgency and use that to your advantage with a reply like: “No question, we’ve messed up. Getting to the bottom of this is just as important to me as it is to you.” Instead of letting the customer’s intimidation tactics negatively impact you, you turn that energy back at the customer by pacing his actions.

4. Aikidoists blend with their opponent’s energy. In Aikido, this looks as if you move toward your opponent and then change places with them. In a verbal attack, blending with your customer is finding common ground with the customer. You can blend with your angry customer by listening with a sincere intent to understand their pain, frustration and needs and then responding with empathy. The knowledge you gain from listening to your customer becomes your force and positions you to redirect the energy in a productive direction. Once you’ve blended with the customer, that is, once you truly understand the customer’s situation, the attack can be neutralized and redirected.

5. Aikido students learn to turn with their opponent’s force and let that force go past them. When we respond to angry customers in this way, we’re able to keep our cool when customers get hot. We don’t get caught up in the emotion of anger. Instead, we allow the customer to express his feelings and we don’t take comments personally and we don’t allow our feelings (anger, rejection, offense) to control our responses.

6. An Aikido Master never seeks to kill his opposition. When we transfer this principle to customer service situations, we realize that our goal is to never hang up on a customer, blow a customer off, or “fire” a difficult customer. Our goal is to find more diplomatic ways to communicate and reach win win resolutions.

7. In Aikido, all opponents are considered partners. Think of your angry customer as your partner and let this mindset direct you to use interactive dialogue to work with your customer to solve the problem. Try to not resist or coerce your “partner.” Work with your partner, talk with your partner, and seek solutions that benefit the customer and the company.

Applying the principles of Aikido to difficult situations with unhappy customers allows you to maintain composure and control, and effectively diffuse anger. The next time you’re faced with a difficult customer, why not go Steven Segal…you’ll have fun and you’ll be amazed how effective you’ll be!

“Are you finding you’re getting angry a lot?” At this point, his head dipped in shame. He felt judged. Not least did he feel his own judgement. But worse than that he feared my judgement. He was nine years old.

This happens with almost everyone; everyone who is emotionally vulnerable when asked these kinds of questions. It is a hard question to ask, because society has conditioned us to look at anger with shame; that we somehow lack self-control. Even as I asked such a question, I expected the person responding to feel condemned.

My response to their response is critical.

My job is to debunk the shame.

The anger they feel is normal.

Read David, Jeremiah, Job.

Pastoral care visits frequently run like this. There must be a preparedness to broach the tough subjects that are easier to sidestep.

Of course, we cannot just charge in. Rapport must be established. Humour can be had. Superficial matters can be, and are best, interspersed through the dialogue. Indeed, this way it can seem disarming to talk about matters that are difficult to talk about. But tough questions precede the healing of mutual acceptance – me accepting them as normal; them accepting themselves as normal; us both accepting that God knows it’s normal.

Anger, fear, shame, guilt, resentment, bitterness and the like are topics most people avoid. This is because we feel bad that we are not happy, brave, grateful or resilient. But to admit the truth about how we feel is the ultimate in bravery; it is the way forward to feel more genuinely happy and grateful; and, it is the way to a deeper resilience.

Society shames us for feeling what we inevitably must feel.

When we have lost someone or something dear, we must inevitably feel confusion, upset, fearful, angry. Et cetera. These adverse and negative feelings are normal, yet, as a society, we repel this discomfort, thinking it is wrong because it feels uncomfortable. The Bible teaches that what is uncomfortable can not only be normal, but can be a condition needed for growth to occur.

Those who have never been swamped with a life-overturning grief will be at a loss to see how staying in the negative can help someone reach for the positive. They may never understand, until that horribly fateful day when their life is turned upside down.

It seems so impossibly wrong to languish. But it is in the languishing that God paints the majestic strokes of healing best. Darkness seems to bring out the best, most vivid colours of soul.

The soul that cries out loudest can hear the softest response of the Lord, because everything other than God has become irrelevant.

When someone is irrepressibly rageful, especially when it is out of character, we must ask what is going on for them. Intense feelings of confusion to the point of feeling overwhelmed make us feel out of control, and anger is our most predictable response.

When we are taken into unfathomable caverns of despair, we enter a primitive place, and it is in such a place that we meet the primitive emotion of rage.

We are always surprised and ashamed of these primitive kinds of responses. And guilt for such responses buries us deeper still in the mire of shame. If only we were to consider that there is a cause and effect relationship between grief and anger, fear and sadness.

It is high time that we started to empower those who suffer from unbridled anger, inextricable fear and unparalleled sadness by removing from them the shackles of shame for what they feel.

We must all accept that the mind has its limits, and when cognitive capacity is breached, what follows looks and feels ugly. We must ask what helps… and not do what hinders.

It is neither fair nor just that those who suffer grief would suffer doubly because of shame. Anger can be a sign that we are overwhelmed with confusion, despairing in anguish, or horrendously fearful, or just plain mad for what we perceive as unjust.

Rather than judgement, empathy is needed.

A listening ear and a quiet voice of comfort, and the appreciation of cause and effect – this person is how they are for reasons – are what is needed.

~

Empower the disheartened, create in them the feeling of having been understood, and they will take the compassion they have received, and give it to others as empathy.

Dear Adrian,

The anger in your life has been THE one big setback and barrier to you experiencing the life that both God and you want for yourself. It is absolutely critical that you focus all of your energy, time, money, and heart on managing the God-given emotion of anger in a way that honors God and helps build stronger relationships.

You have hurt nearly everyone in your life to one degree or another by your expressions of anger. You have used all of anger’s ugly tools – sarcasm, negativity, criticalness, or outright blowing up. In some of the worse cases you have allowed angry feelings to fester into horrible bitterness and isolation from those you were angry with. However, most distressing is that your immediate family has been hurt the most. Twice in the last 18 months you have been asked by them to not live with them because they consistently saw anger expressions that caused fear and hopelessness rather than love.

I know you love your family. You want the very best for them. When you were a young Christian you set out to have a family life that was so radically different from the pain and poor example you experienced in your childhood. It was your heart to break the cycle that you had seen. You have proved that you wanted the best for them by providing so much for them and striving to set a spiritual example for them. You have provided for them financially, materially, and physically to the best of your ability the last two decades. But now that you do not have the monetary and material resources to give to them due to your business struggling so much and the down economy, how will you demonstrate your love for them? It must be by learning and implementing new righteous ways to handle anger. Demonstrating to them that the power of God and a heart to change and living in reality is what life is all about.

Seeking forgiveness and a welcome place at the family dinner table is not as important as seeking to be an example of a faithful heart and hard work gaining victory over a battle that Satan has used to divide.

You have already put a lot of work into understanding your anger problem through studying what the bible teaches about anger, reading books, seeing a therapist, confessing to close brothers, consistently attending Celebrate Recovery, and attending the Freedom from Destructive Anger class at Shadow Mountain. You have begun to understand more clearly your distorted thinking patterns, your past, your view of the world, your view of yourself, and your view of God. Now – DON’T STOP! DON’T QUIT! Keep working on it. You have already proved numerous times in your life that you are willing and able to put your very best effort into what you want in life. You are accustomed to working hard for what you want. And you want this victory otherwise this letter would not be written. Think about how far your life has come and what you have experienced. And realize that all along the way God has been right by your side helping you and leading you.

Nothing has changed – God is still with you. You want to learn and change. You will be victorious and as a result you will teach your family how to live life in Christ by fighting through the things that hold you back. You will also be able to help others -which is what has always inspired you – even from a very early age.

The damage you have done is real – but overcoming that damage with God’s help will create something more stable, more durable, and more real. Your family is worth the effort and God thinks you are worth the transformation that he has planned for you. Watching you being transformed more and more into the likeness of Jesus is something your family will never forget and will leave much more of an impression than any business success, job promotion, material possession, or vacation that you have ever given them.

Adrian, you must learn that your initial reaction to something that hurts you, threatens you, or frustrates you must be processed through an intentional set of questions and safeguards (remember “The Matrix”). Ask yourself:

o Why are you angry?- focus on hurt, frustration, and fear

o What do I want from this encounter? – look for positive outcomes for yourself

o How can I get as much as possible of what I want? The things you want are not unreasonable – but this may not be the time, circumstance, or person you can get that from – look for other opportunities or sources for what you need

You can do it! God is with you! Keep fighting! Your life and the life of those you love the most depend on you seeing this through to completion by doing your part. Face it head on and never give up! I look forward to seeing how God will use this to bless many!

You’re Friend,

Adrian

Anger is energy. It is a feeling that is a part of our emotional life. Anger can become your greatest enemy debilitating your health and producing negativity. When anger is understood and transformed it can become your greatest ally toward healing and finding personal peace.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and commonly repressed emotions. When you understand the true nature of anger, you can begin to harness a lost power of your will. Will power is the key to create permanent and positive changes in your life. It all hinges upon how you relate to your emotions. Before we explore transforming anger it is important to clarify “positive” and “negative” emotions.

Emotions are a feedback system offering guidance in our daily lives. They inform us of what we need to do in order to feel secure and peaceful. In childhood we learned to judge our emotions and placed them into two categories, positive (good) or negative (bad) emotions. We tend to label any feelings that are constrictive such as fear, guilt, and loneliness as negative and bad. The expansive emotions like love, joy, and happiness are considered to be positive (good). The challenge for you is to redefine your relationship with all your emotions and change the way you relate to them. Here is how to do that.

You’ll experience an empowered relationship with your emotions when you redefine them. Negative emotions are any emotion (love or fear) that you ignore, deny, and repress. Regardless of their names, all emotion becomes negative when you refuse to feel and express them.

Eventually, all repressed emotion explodes into a rage, either inward or outward rage. It is the repression of emotion that causes its destructiveness, not the emotion itself. Likewise, love that is repressed can be just as destructive as anger. Emotions are energy that needs to be felt and expressed respectfully.

Positive emotions are any emotion that you honor (own), feel, express and release, appropriately. When you respect your anger as much as your love, you will have matured your emotional intelligence and begin to take dominion over your life.

We’ve been brain-washed from childhood to judge anger as a bad emotion. Like all emotions, anger is meant to be felt, expressed and released… appropriately. Repressed anger always has negative impact in our lives. Addictions, worry, self-doubt, and powerlessness increase when anger is repressed. When anger is released these negative experiences will decrease rapidly. Also, within all anger there is a hidden resource of willpower. The energy needed to end procrastination and take charge of your life, can be found once you tap into and release your anger.

How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Anger.

It is important to recognize the value of both your constricting and expanding emotions. Anger’s purpose is to offer you feedback. Anger is a messenger communicating to you that change is needed. For instance, if you feel angry with a person then something about that relationship needs to change. Perhaps you are not being respected or understood. Pretending you are not angry only compounds the negativity.

Being honest with yourself is key to harnessing the power of your emotional nature. When you let go of your judgment and honestly feel your constricting emotions you’ll quickly express and release them. Then, the energy trapped inside can become a constructive force in your life.

Four Steps to Transform Repressed Anger into Willpower:

The 1st Step: Take responsibility for your anger (own it) and begin to feel it. This allows you to connect with it and begin transforming it into a positive experience. By realizing this simple truth you can begin to lift anger out of its destructive and repressed state.

The 2nd Step: Express your anger in writing. Take some paper and write at the top of the page, “Me and My Anger”. Write the first thing that comes to your mind about anger. Write in a free association style. Don’t worry about grammar, sentence structure or spelling. Express your anger by writing down your thoughts and feelings.

For example you might start to write: “This exercise is stupid. I don’t believe I’m doing this! Trying to write down my anger is so frustrating… I feel stuck, like I’m back in fourth grade… blah, blah, blah.”

Let the thoughts and feelings roll out of you! Don’t access or judge your words. It may feel awkward at first, but soon it will start to flow out of you in a stream of consciousness. Before you know it, you’ll tap into the anger trapped inside your subconscious mind and release it.

After 20-45 minutes the constricting feelings will shift and lift to a peaceful feeling inside of you. When that happens destroy the paper, tear it up, burn it or flush it down the toilet. Next take a break and go do something you enjoy. Relax in a hot bath, go for a walk, enjoy your favorite movie, do something fun. This will help you lift beyond these feeling into a more expansive space. Give yourself at least 2 hours and up to 24 hours to relax before you move on to the third step.

The 3rd Step: Express your anger imaginatively. This is an important step to free your mind. It involves using your imagination to unhook the negativity from your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between something you imagine and something that really happens.

For example: Have you ever sat in a movie theatre and watched scary images on the screen that caused you to tighten up with fear and become anxious? Logically, you knew you were safe you were surrounded by a hundred other people. However, your subconscious mind didn’t distinguish the images on the screen from what was really happening to you. This is how the body-mind connection works. Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference from what you imagine to what really happens to you, physically. It reacts the same

Guided Imagery Technique to Release Repressed Anger.

Close your eyes and imagine the person you’re angry at standing before you. This person may have died long ago it might be a boss, a parent, someone who pissed you off. Tell them in your mind how angry and upset you are. If you need to act it out, then act it out- imaginatively! If you were so angry you could have spit and kicked them, then in your imagination, spit and kick them! Play it out, now is your chance to vent the pent up energy from your subconscious mind! Don’t hold back. The more vivid you imagine this with honest feelings the more effective it will be.

Tip: If it is difficult for you to express old anger from your childhood then let your inner child express their feelings. Let the angry part of you, your child, adolescent or teenager express the feelings they had never released.

You may be worried that if you vent your anger in meditation, you’re somehow sending negative energy to the person. Remember, your intention is where energy flows. Your intention is to transform anger into a positive energy. Once your subconscious mind has vented your anger, you can easily forgive and let go. Let the angry part of you act out their feelings don’t hold yourself back. Honor the angry part of you and it will set you free.

The 4th Step: Forgive whoever angered you. Forgive them and let them go. Again, you can do this in your imagination, simply imagine them in your mind and tell them, I forgive you. I am letting you go. You don’t have to talk to them physically but you can effectively forgive them in your mind, where it really matters. Forgiveness will come easily once the anger has cleared from your mind.

If you have difficulty forgiving them, then go back and see if there is more anger you haven’t let go of. Once you have forgiven them and yourself (for attracting this negative experience) decide what positive energy you’d like to experience more of in your life. Do you desire greater self-determination, discipline, and creativity? Visualize how you want to feel and be. Imagining your self back in the flow, empowered and feeling great with a renewed ability to be focused, productive and creative

Tip: Read my article on Forgiveness

When you release repressed anger you automatically strengthen your inner power. Your life becomes full and rich with greater love, happiness and peace. You’ll feel more in charge of yourself and your life. The more anger you feel and release the more clear, happy and alive you will be. Your health can improve rapidly and you will have an unstoppable will power to create the changes in your life you’ve always wanted.

Anger is of different types, and can be classified into categories. Recognizing the classification of your anger will help you deal with it better in the long run.

1. Behavioral Anger: When a person experiences behavioral anger, he or she usually confronts the subject that angers them, which is usually another person. Physical harm may follow verbal rudeness. Such are the characteristics of behavioral anger.

2. Chronic Anger: A person that suffers from chronic anger does not always have a rational explanation of why he is angry all the time. Such people hate the world that they live in, hate themselves, hate everybody else and generally fly into tempers at the slightest motivation.

3. Constructive Anger: A person who deals with his anger by canalizing the anger into a constructive path such as self improvement is said to have constructive anger. This is often a result of self help and anger management courses.

4. Deliberate Anger: When a person deliberately poses as he has anger, often as a ploy to control subordinates, this type is called deliberate anger. It is usually a fake enacting of anger, but could escalate into other forms of anger occasionally. Deliberate anger also leaves quickly, especially when confronted.

5. Judgmental Anger: people suffering from this form of anger usually put other people down in front of gatherings, to try and make themselves look superior.

6. Overwhelming anger: As the name suggests, this form of anger exists when the emotion has really got to the root of a person. People experiencing overwhelming anger just cannot stand the situation they are in, and often find destructive means of relieving themselves by self hurt or by hurting other people physically.

7. Paranoid Anger: The paranoid form of anger is totally without just cause. People often work themselves into a frenzy imagining that someone were against them. This is called paranoid anger.

8. Passive Anger: This is a somewhat controlled form of anger where the person experiencing it does not directly show his anger. Instead he resorts to mocking the person who angers him, in a sarcastic manner.

9. Retaliatory Anger: This happens as a result of another person?s anger towards you. When you retaliate in self defense in an angry manner, this is called retaliatory anger.

10. Self Inflicted Anger: Here, a person who is angry with himself punishes himself by inflicting pain upon his own body. This is a common phenomenon with drug addicts.

11. Verbal Anger: Here, the only damage that is done is verbal abuse to other people. This could often be the beginning of other forms of anger.

12. Volatile Anger: This could range from mild anger to an absolute fury, and leaves just as suddenly as it comes. The intensity and the time depends on how well it is controlled by the individual.

The Importance of Invisible Friends

Episode One: Dealing with Overwhelming Emotions

Or what do you do whenever you feel overwhelmed by an emotion.

I closed my eyes and thought to myself, “I need you,” I didn’t even have to click my shoes together and call three times. They were there instantly.

“Tell us,” I heard from deep inside.

“Before I tell you, I just want to make sure,” I said to the voices. “I know you said that I could call on you guys any time, but doesn’t talking to myself make me kinda crazy?”

“Nah,” came the answer. “Kids do it all the time, but adults learn to grow out of it because their culture demands it of them. Talking to yourself can actually be extraordinarily healthy. It allow you to give yourself some much needed Psychological Air.“

“Psychological Air?”

“Like when you are suddenly overwhelmed by an emotion like you are now.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, you can’t talk yourself out of feeling what you feel, just as you can’t talk someone else out of feeling what they feel. Instead, you need to dig into that emotion and uncover what the emotion is trying to tell you. You need to bring the emotion into the light and give it air. Talking to yourself can help you give it that air.”

“So how does that work?”

“You know that listening process we talked about in your book? The one that helps people to understand and process their emotions better?”

“Yeah, it’s where instead of offering advice that might not be needed, you use questions to reflect and understand their emotions.”

“Well, talking to yourself does the same thing, except that you are actually giving the physiological air to yourself. By happy coincidence, it also makes for a much better read. So why did you call?”

I took a deep breath and began. “Someone, who shall remain nameless, just said something to me that hurts so much; it makes me want to throw something. I know that what people say about me is not about me. Belief and Reflection taught me that. I am trying to take responsibility for my emotions like Responsibility suggests. I tried to refocus my thoughts like Focus recommends, but what do you do when someone says something so deliberately hurtful that none of that other stuff works?”

“Tell us what this person said.”

“Well she said, ‘I am really disappointing in you.’ Then she listed a whole bunch of thing that I had done when I was half asleep, and then she finished by saying, ‘It’s like you do it on purpose‘.”

“And her words hurt you?”

“Yes, they were unfair. I didn’t do it on purpose. I admit that I was still half asleep when she needed my help. I also admit that when I get woken up like that, I purposefully try to stay groggy because it is easier for me to get back to sleep, but after all, someone else was awake. I got called to help them help her. I was on back up. I assumed that everything was taken care of, and I went back to bed. But I shouldn’t have assumed that. I should have woken up more. I should made made sure that her mugs were filled with water, that I’d turn the fan back on, that I hadn’t left the phone on the table. But I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Is that why are you so angry?”

“I can usually let statements like that slide. But this time it just hit me. I don’t know why I feel so angry. That’s why I have come to you.”

“Your feelings are trying to tell you something. What are they trying to tell you?”

“They are telling me that what she said was thoughtless and unfair.”

“No, what is the physical feeling?”

“A pit in my stomach,” I struggled to explain. “Like this dark ball of energy pulling me down and destroying my focus. It’s all bottled down and needs to go somewhere.”

“Why do you think that she said what she did?”

“It’s her way of getting me to shape up.”

“Flesh the thought the out.”

“She’s always done that, even when we were kids. She’d blow up, tell us how unhappy we made her, and then withdraw into herself, while we all went around on egg shells trying to make up for our faults. Eventually it would blow over. I know that she does it as a form of discipline. It is her way of asking for a change, or getting her way.”

“When she does this, how do you react?”

“I shut down, and don’t say anything because I know that anything I say will only make it worse.”

“You mean that you let it sit in the pit of your stomach?”

“Pretty much.”

“You already know what to do when people say something hurtful. We wrote an entire book about it together. You place them into context. You turn the other cheek. You try to understand what they are really attempting to communicate. You already know all the logical tools needed to deal with limiting behavior. So you need to rephrase your question. What you really are trying to figure out is what do you do when you have a dark ball of energy pulling you down, destroying your focus, and needing to go somewhere so much that you want to throw something. For that you don’t need logic, you need reflection.”

“So what do I do?”

“Listen to that pit in your stomach. Explore it. When you understand it, it will go away.”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“What are the specific words that feel unfair and create that pit in your stomach?”

“That I disappoint her, and that I did it on purpose.”

“Are you sure that you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“Yes! She doesn’t even really think that I did it on purpose. She just said that to twist the knife.”

“So your really angry that she said you have disappointed her?”

“Yes,” I replied. The dark mass in my stomach grunted in agreement. “And it is just not fair that she should say such a thing.”

“Why?”

“Because it shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I do care about her.”

“A logical answer,” came a voice. “However, emotions are seldom logical.”

Reflection’s face came into view. “Listen to what you just said. Use the tools we have learned, and reflect your words so that you can hear yourselves clearly.”

Responsibility joined her. “Look first to see whether the though is empowering, or limiting.”

I furrowed my brows. “Shouldn’t is a limiting words, so the thought is probably limiting.”

I spotted the Explorer just behind them. “Ask yourself how the thought might be limiting?” he suggested. “Ask the question and let me fly away with it.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath. The dark mass in my stomach made a gurgle. “So I said, ‘It shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I do care about her.’ When I look at the word shouldn’t, the word is hard to replace, so I suppose it belongs there. I must have a belief that has been limiting me. I seem to have a conflict between what I feel should be and what I think should be. I seem to think that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to live up to her expectations, but I also seem to feel that it is my responsibility to live up to her expectations. I suppose what I am really upset about is that I have made it my job to live up to her expectations, and I don’t like the job.” As I put my discovery into words, I felt the knot in my stomach give a sigh of relief.

“So now that we have defined the problem,” smiled the Navigator stepping forward. “Shall we design a strategy for the future?”

A voice yelled out, “They need to clarify expectations.”

The Navigator nodded, “Your use of the word fair,” he said to me. “Seems to imply that you feel things are out of balance. Would you agree?”

“Yes,” I nodded back.

“Have you made your expectations clear to her?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Are your expectations even clear to you?”

“Not really,” I thought about it. “Not in this case.”

“So the first step in our strategy, should be for you to clarify your expectations. Do you expect her to change?”

“No,” I snorted.

“Do you expect the people who help you care for her to change?”

“No,” I snorted again.

“Do you expect it will happen again?”

“Well since I am not her idea of perfect, it probably will.”

“Do you want to be her idea of perfect?”

“Not really. But I don’t want to disappoint her either.”

“Conflict indeed.”

“So I guess that my anger,” I said thoughtfully. “Has less to do with what she said, and more to do with my inner conflict. Does that sound right?”

“Sounds right,” he replied. “Solve the conflict, remove the emotional trigger.”

“So how do I resolve the conflict?”

“Redefine the job,” said called a voice.

“What?”

Belief stepped forward. “You said, ‘I suppose what I am really upset about is that I have made it my job to live up to her expectations, and I don’t like the job.’ You need to clarify your expectations of yourself. Redefine the job into one that you want it to be, and then learn to live up to your own expectations. That way, her words will lose their power to hurt you., and you can get back to loving her as much as you do.”

I smiled. “You know I think you’re right.” My face scrunched with thought, and I added, “You know, I also think that you’ve answered my other question.”

“Other question?”

“The one about what I can do whenever I find myself overwhelmed by an emotion.”

“What was our answer?”

My smiled turned into a laugh, “I summon you guys and give myself a little Psychological Air.“

Everyone one has those Damn hot buttons; things that set them off; that trigger reactions in their bodies that resemble explosions or implosions. People tend to be afraid of anger because of the destruction, damage, pain, suffering and guilt that goes along with it or follows in its aftermath. When your reactions to the things that cause you anger, stress or frustration lead to pain or suffering, yours or someone else’s, then you know it’s time to handle your feelings differently!

How do you define anger? What sets your heart pounding, your veins throbbing, your head exploding? What fills your body with incredible tension, or ties your stomach in knots? Do any of these symptoms sound or feel familiar? Are you afraid of your anger or someone else’s? Do you walk around on egg shells for fear of setting someone off, or are others walking on egg shells for fear of setting you off? Either way, it means you are not living with the love and respect for who you are.

Anger is energy: Intense, sometimes scary and often overwhelming, but all it is, is energy. Most people are afraid of what this feels like because of past negative messages about anger. Parents often tell children not to be angry, or children grow up receiving the brunt of their parents’ anger and were hurt by it emotionally, and/or physically. We carry these negative beliefs within our bodies and minds and react to our feelings of anger in the ways we learned in order to survive in our families of origin. Perhaps you grew up in a home where anger was explosive. Maybe your parents yelled, threw things, hit (you or each other) damaged things, etc. You had to learn to survive in that atmosphere. How did you learn to cope? Did you become aggressive or did you become fearful, passive or the peace-maker? Perhaps you grew up in a home where anger was more insidious. Maybe love was withheld, or you received messages that you were disapproved of, or a disappointment somehow, or there was silence that was palpable. Most people grew up in homes that were a combination of these two extremes. What atmosphere are you living in now? What home are you creating for yourself and for those you love?

Anger is a hot topic (no pun intended). It is a feeling that everyone experiences, yet few people really want to address, talk about or deal with directly. I want you to focus for a moment on what really ” makes your blood boil”. What makes you “see red”? Notice that both these question put the “blame” on an external circumstance or behavior, as if you have no control over your reactions to circumstances. Often times events that trigger an intense reaction on your part are more related to your history rather than to the event at hand. Why do you get so utterly incensed at what might otherwise be perceived as a mere slight or oversight? What is it in your history that you are really reacting to? I want you to begin to think about the roots of your reactions, so that you will be in a position to CHOOSE how you want to RESPOND to something rather than feeling forced or compelled to react to it. The goal, or desired outcome is to feel empowered in situations that cause you stress. Even when people are exploding and they seem so powerful and scary, in truth, they are operating from a space that is really weak and powerless. People who seethe internally may appear controlled, and intimidating, but they are really feeling weak and powerless. The people who are really empowered, centered and grounded have no need for violence or demeaning behavior. In your moments of utter frustration, anger and stress, what’s really in control: you or your feelings? What is it you are really reacting to? What are your feelings in those moments? What do you really need or want?

Allow yourself to sit and think about the last time you got really angry, frustrated or stressed. How quickly do you feel your body tense up, and your whole system move into “red alert”? STOP! BREATHE! FOCUS! What is happening inside you? Where do your feelings resonate most intensely in your body? JUST BREATHE—and allow yourself to focus on your physical feelings. Does your tension sit in your gut; In your head; In your chest; In your throat; In your legs; etc.? Breathe into your feelings. DON’T DO ANYTHING! Notice how hard it is to just sit. Feel the energy coursing through you. The energy is begging for expression: Now YOU get to decide HOW to express it! Please remember that if you express this energy and you or someone else gets hurt (emotionally or physically) you will create guilt and then the cycle of being out of control and powerless will be perpetuated.

You have choices! Since anger, stress and frustration are all variations of the same energy, and it stems from a powerless, helpless and vulnerable space, the desired outcome is to EMPOWER yourself when faced with these feelings. Therefore, choosing empowering expressions of your feelings is what coping with those damn hot buttons is all about. We cannot control the things that may set us off, but we can control what we do with our feelings once the trigger has been pulled. Maybe you need to run, take a brisk walk, scream into a pillow, hit a punching bag, vent your feelings with a good friend or counselor until you are ready to communicate respectfully with whomever you are really angry with, or maybe you need to vacuum, so that not only are you releasing a lot of energy, but you get to talk loudly with no one hearing you. Some people like to yell at the top of their lungs stamp their feet. (Do these in private—the goal is to release your anger in private, not at or on anyone else) Any of these choices are healthy, not harmful to you or anyone else, and they all will give you an opportunity to release your energy so that you can THINK, and FOCUS on how you really want to handle a situation in a way that will be loving, respectful and compassionate for yourself and for whoever else might be involved. When dealing with anger it is imperative to remember NOT to strike when the iron is hot, but to wait until that iron has cooled off. Nothing positive or productive is gained when communicating with hostility, rancor or aggression. The goal is to communicate with respect; for yourself and those involved.

Breathe slowly and deeply and state out loud and frequently throughout the coming days, weeks and months: “My desired outcome is to be safe with my most challenging feelings. I release and express my feelings in ways that are respectful to myself and those around me.” Breathe slowly and deeply and allow this to resonate within you.

Do you ever get angry in petty situations? What situations are these? Are you able to control your anger soon? The answers to all these questions would tell you a lot about the kind of personality you have. Anger management plays a leading role in personality development. Most men and women find it very difficult to deal with anger and end up having situations out of proportions. This also becomes a hurdle in their personality development and also causes various health problems. Anger is also considered as one of the biggest enemies of a human body and soul. It impairs judgment, can make a person violent and the person can even lose his/her relationships. Thus, it is very important to learn how to control anger or, may be, to learn to channelize it in such a way that it may be constructive. There are many benefits that you can gain from being able to manage your anger. One may never understand the joyful benefits of anger management classes unless they experience it and see a drastic change in their personality.

Let’s look at some of the benefits of anger management and its affect in personality development.

1) Judgment

Anger makes a person a poor judge. Uncontrolled anger gradually leads to poor decision making capability. It also makes us prone to making mistakes. But once you are able to manage your anger, you will be able to exercise better judgment. Anger management exercises are often meant to channelize the anger so that you do not lose control over yourself when you lose temper.

2) Stress

In today’s world where everyone’s life is full of stress, it is also expected to have a pleasing personality. Stress management can give you long-term benefits. With better control over yourself, you will see that it’s easier to avoid some situations that may be stressful.

3) Fewer conflicts and disputes

In anger, we often find ourselves indulged in conflicts. Conflicts or disputes occur because of difference in opinion due to different personality. Once you are aware of anger management techniques, such situations would be reduced. One should be able to treat differences in opinion just as opinions instead of taking them as personal attacks. By doing so, there will be lesser hassles at workplace with co-workers, employers and in family. You will be able to have more peaceful interactions with others.

4) Better communication

Anger is generally caused because of misunderstandings, which are in turn, caused due to communication gap between the two people involved. Good communication skills can also be helpful in avoiding anger or angry situations. Many problems are solved when people know how to be assertive. When people do not know how to assert themselves properly angry behavior is often used instead. Controlling and channelizing anger in a constructive way will make communication easier and will create your image as a person who is open-minded and easy to talk to.

5) Closer and Healthier Relationships

Another benefit of anger management is that it helps you to get closer to others and makes you more comfortable in personal relationships. The people we love are often the victims of our anger when we lose control. Channelizing anger will make us more capable of leading a life that is comparatively free of repulsive scenes or outbursts of anger.

6) Awareness about responsibility

Once you are able to control anger, will know when you are the cause of any trouble and when you are not. When the problem is because of you, you will also be able to know how to handle the situation calmly and still not be blamed. Taking the full responsibility of your task is also a personality trait that leads to personality development.

7) Empathy

Empathy means to be able to feel the same way the other person is feeling. Anger management trains you how to empathize which is very beneficial. Empathizing leads to better understanding and thus lesser conflicts. Being able to empathize means that you can see situations from others’ point of view also leaving no space for conflicts.