There is one clear way in which the philosophies of the East and West differ. In the West we believe that we should be constantly struggling to improve our lot. In the East, the prime existential aim is to stop the endless striving for material gain so that one is free to enjoy the perpetual ‘here and now’. This approach is well portrayed in the famous Buddhist parable of a man who, in fleeing from a tiger, finds himself dangling on a vine suspended over a steep precipice. He looks down and sees another tiger waiting to devour him should he fall. Then two mice start gnawing at the vine. Looking to one side he sees a ripe, juicy strawberry growing just within his reach. He stretches out, picks the ripe fruit and places it in his mouth. How succulent it tastes, and how sweet life seems in that fleeting moment. One of the great differences between humans and animals is that we have a past and a future as well as a present, whereas their thoughts are focussed entirely on the matters of the moment. We have a vivid imagination, which is one of our supreme assets as well as one of our greatest liabilities, since it enables us to dwell on past mistakes and envision future catastrophes. That is the root cause of most of our day-to-day angst.

Sir William Osler, the Canadian doctor who became Regius Professor of Medicine at Oxford University, told his students that they could cope with the stress and strain of their professional lives by cultivating the habit of living their lives in ‘day-tight compartments.’ Everyone can carry their burden until nightfall, he assured them, whereas even the strongest will falter if they also try to carry yesterday’s load and the burdens of tomorrow. This is one of the key principles of Buddhist thought and practice, portrayed in the well-known story of the elderly Indian lady who approached the Lord Buddha and said she wanted to join a community to learn the art of meditation but was too busy to escape her family commitments. The Buddha told her that she didn’t need to leave home, for she could learn to meditate by focussing on the here and now. ‘Every time you draw water from the well for you and your family, remain aware of every single act, movement and motion of your hands,’ he instructed her. ‘As you do your chores, maintain continual mindfulness and awareness every single instant, moment after moment, and you too will become a master of meditation.’

We have lost this art today, partly because we try to multitask, and partly because we waste our time mulling over past mistakes and slights. One of the key messages of sports psychology, is to train tennis players and golfers to concentrate on the task in hand rather than allow their performance to be marred by the double fault they’ve just served, or the four-foot putt they’ve just missed. We only achieve our peak performance, and overcome needless anxiety, if we adopt the habit of ‘nownessness’. This was proved by a study of holocaust survivors which showed that the victims who made the best adjustment to everyday life on their release were the ones who managed to push their past sufferings to the back of their minds and get on with their current, day-to-day activities.

Schopenhauer, the German born philosopher, is well known for his pessimistic outlook. However, there is one brief ray of hope and cheer in his book On the Suffering of the World where he grudgingly admits that one might argue ‘that the greatest wisdom consists in enjoying the present and making this enjoyment the goal of life, because the present is all that is real and everything else merely imaginary.’ Unfortunately he ruins this uplifting advice in his very next sentence where he writes: ‘But you could just as well call this mode of life the greatest folly; for that which in a moment ceases to exist, which vanishes as a dream, cannot be worth any serious effort.’ In arriving at this jaundiced conclusion he seems to forget that eternity is made up an endless succession of present moments. If we want to life to the full we can’t do so in the past, for that is gone. Nor can we live it in the future, for that hasn’t yet arrived. Utopia is either here and now, or nowhere and never. Our aim must be to follow the advice contained in the ancient Sanskrit proverb: ‘Look to this day, for yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision. But today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.’

© Donald Norfolk 2011

Are you interested in becoming a birder? Here is my perspective as an amateur birder and perhaps even some tips to consider when exploring this diverse and interesting hobby.

First off, what is it? How do we define it? What is a birder, birding, and bird-watching? Birders are people, professional or amateur, that go searching for birds. Birding is the hobby itself and consists of making lists of birds, studying them, and other general activities surrounding our feathered friends. A bird-watcher, on the other hand, is someone who watches birds for any reason. It has been said that you should never refer to a birder as a “bird-watcher.” It seems almost an insult I would imagine, to a serious birder. Birders aren’t “just” watching. Birders have a goal in mind and are only satisfied when they meet that objective.

I have recently proclaimed myself to be an amateur birder. I feel that birders are patient people and I’d like to cultivate more of that trait into my own existence. I also feel that birding is a rather relaxing hobby and drives us to spend more time in nature where peace is in ample supply. In short, my first goal as a birder, is to experience more of the natural world around me.

As a birder, I do not watch and wait. I choose to walk and listen. I am actively searching for birds in my yard and waiting for the perfect photo opportunity and the perfect moment where I can capture a bit of nature with my camera lens. My eyes are typically up and scanning the trees. I walk slowly and listen and keep an eye out for movement. I also typically am drawn to their song or call. Keep in mind, you’ll typically hear a bird before you see them. I have also found that if you walk toward them slowly and then stand and wait, the bird will move closer to you. Perhaps because you are not acting in a dangerous or threatening manner.

Once you decide to go in search of birds, you should then decide on what the end result is you’re looking to achieve. Why do you want to become a birder? Are you looking to capture a moment with your lens? Are you interested in seeing a bird whether with your own naked eyes or through the eyes of a set of binoculars? Are you interested in hearing their call and knowing what type of bird makes such chirps or chitters? Are you interesting in cataloguing birds and creating a “life list,” meaning a list of the birds you have seen in your lifetime complete with the date and location of each sighting?

I feel a “true” birder is in it, just for the birds. To see them, to hear their call, to experience them in nature and then to go home content that they saw something that is now a part of them forever. I, on the other hand, am driven by the “perfect” shot. I do not want to simply see them; I want to capture the moment.

Perhaps I am deluded in this thinking and lack the true essence of birding? Although recently I announced a birding rule that I created for myself and even publicly announced in my social circles. If I see something neat and I do not have my cellphone in hand to capture the moment, I should just enjoy the moment. Simple as that!

This came about because I was recently in my home and walking by my bedroom window and low and behold a beautiful hawk swooped down and landed just outside! In my excitement to “capture” the moment, I lost the ability to appreciate the moment. I left to grab my phone and when I returned, the bird was gone. Nowhere to be seen.

In summary, being a birder has various levels of involvement and engagement suitable for any level of interest. I do recommend keeping your objective in mind as you explore this wonderful hobby. Birds are fascinating in a myriad number of ways and will keep you coming back to learn, see, and experience more of what they have to offer as a species. I am thoroughly enjoying my journey as a birder, and I think you will too. Happy birding!

In the Disney movie, “The Lion King”, Simba is whining to Rafiki claiming he is a victim of things gone wrong in his life. Rafiki counsels Simba to not focus on the pain of the past because it cannot be changed. “It doesn’t matta, eets in dee pahst”, is Rafiki’s advice. Simba listens to his advice and runs off the make amends in the present moment.

The Past Can Hurt

As human beings we have the amazing ability to think about past, present and future. From early man until now, this skill has helped us survive. If primitive man saw a tiger, his experience in the past could help him determine the striped animal was a threat. Thinking of the future, he would foresee an escape plan. And in the immediate here and now moment, his brain would activate and he would run. This process ensured his survival.

In modern times our brain can be over active in perceiving threats in the past or present. Our thoughts get caught up in a lot of drama that only exists in our heads. In this process, we find ourselves dwelling over past situations or predicting catastrophes in the future. We worry about tigers that may eat our family or tigers that may be lurking around every corner even when there are no signs of tigers. Or we endlessly ruminate over bad decisions in the past about our last encounter with a tiger.

Our thoughts play on an endless loop of negative emotion creating anxiety or depression. We can’t run. We can’t act. Depression and anxiety immobilize us. So how do we get off this negative self-perpetuated track? Recent research in the mental health field supports the practice of mindfulness as a tool.

Mindfulness is an Eastern religious tradition used recently in the West as a practice to slow your brain down, unwind your emotions and focus on the present moment. Lao Tzu, a philosopher of ancient China said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious, you are living in the future, if you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Mindfulness takes practice and patience. It is helpful to be non critical about yourself as you practice the new skill. Mindfulness is about being observant and non judgmental. It is normal for your mind to wander. When you find yourself wandering, gently bring your attention back to what you wish to focus on.

Ways to practice Mindfulness:

Music: Rock out listening to your favorite hard rock band or get caught up in the majesty of Beethoven 9th Symphony.

Scents: Light scented candles, wear an exotic perfume or bake aromatic chocolate chip cookies. Smells have a power ability to trigger emotions and thoughts taking us out of the doldrums.

Body sensations such as exercise, and breathing and meditation.

Object focusing: focus on one object exclusively. Look at the size, texture, scent, and color of the objects appearance. If possible, taste the object. Imagine other useful ways to use the object. Try to keep your mind focused on the object for at least 5 minutes.

Scarlett O’ Hara doesn’t always give sage wisdom but I love the part in “Gone With The Wind” where she says, “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

There are advantages in staying in the present moment and not thinking about tomorrow’s problems. Like Simba if we get ruminate over the mistakes of the past, we become depressed. If we are stuck forecasting the future, we become anxious. Practice living in the moment for that is where happiness and peace are found.

THE SPEED OF LIFE

How fast life goes by these days! We try to slow it down by recording it with camcorders, writing diaries, scrap booking and journals. We use whatever media available today to capture the events of our lives and to account for our pasts, which were the presents we missed while we were speeding ahead into the future. And, while we are busy showing our videos and e-mailing photos to all of our friends, life is happening. Meanwhile, what about the present? Isn’t that what we are missing by going so fast? Past and present are always there, flashing behind and ahead. It is only the present moment that we can control. And how do we do it? Not very well, because we are always looking at the past for clues on how to make a better future and looking to the future with hopes and dreams, trying to figure out how to get there. We are perpetually out of time.

LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST

How can we live our lives to the fullest in the present moment? How can we get off the “fast track” and slow down enough to appreciate every minute? We can meditate, do yoga, or simply spend some moments sitting in a quiet setting and letting our minds calm down, attempting to reduce the noisy, chaotic input that life delivers to us daily. All of these methods are pretty good guidelines for enriching our present moments. But, is there another, less passive and more active, enjoyable way to engage ourselves fully in the moment?Is there a way of enriching our present moments? Yes, there is, and it is through creativity.

LOOKING INWARD

Did you know that by using your imaginative and creative abilities you can slow down time and enrich the moments of your life? How does this work? Simply and easily. In any creative act such as writing, painting, or drawing–you must look inward. When you do this you have a dialogue with the inner creative you, and time slows. Every minute spent in this endeavor is a very rich minute. This dynamic can be compared to traveling the longitudes rather that the latitudes of time. In this delving, vertical movement, you are inquiring, exploring, and discovering rich data in your brain with the idea of translating it into a visual experience that can communicate the amazing intricacies of yourself to others. Through six creative projects you will discover The Artist Within You. Here are two of the six projects:

THE ARTIST WITHIN YOU PROJECT: SOUL NOURISHMENT THROUGH DOODLING

Creating from your imagination, rallying your creative powers nourishes your body, mind and soul. Anguish, anxiety and stress can be released by doodling. And there is much to be discovered by what you doodle–just making lines and squiggles on paper. Are they meaningless? Not in a heartbeat! Doodling projects completed by groups of students reveal images that resonate with personal goals, concerns, dreams and beliefs. Doodling is a powerful and revealing learning context that gently brings students to consult their own creative powers.

The project requires only a pencil or pen and a few sheets of paper. Make swirls, dots, dashes, or lines, whatever you want on the sheet of paper. Take three minutes. Look carefully at your doodles. What do you see? Faces? Animals? An ocean? Often the image is about something you’ve been thinking about. Now, emphasize the images by darkening the lines around them. Add lines to clarify the images.

Now do another doodle. This time close your eyes. Take three minutes and make any kind of marks and lines you want. Now open you eyes and examine your work. What do you see? Be sure to turn the paper upside down to see other images. Emphasize the images you have found with dark lines and add lines or marks to clarify your images. If you are in a group, pass your doodle to the person on your right and ask them if they see anything in your doodle. If you are working be yourself, enlist the vision of a friend or family member to help you see additional images. Ask the person to add darker lines to clarify what they see.

Write about one of the doodle images. You can relate the image to something you have been involved with, a dream, a nightmare, or an idea. Whatever it is, attach a meaning and definition to the image. Explain your writing to the group, friend or family member. Ask them to write a meaning and definition about their image.

THE ARTIST WITHIN YOU PROJECT: VERBAL/VISUAL/WRITING SKILLS

The project requires three photos of you (1) When you were young (2) When you were older (3) A recent photo, plus a few sheets of paper and a small bottle of glue or tape. Write about each photo-how old you were, what you were doing and what, perhaps, you were thinking. Work to clarify and condense your information into three separate paragraphs.

Take three separate sheets of 8 1/2″ x 11″ paper. Glue or tape one photo up at the top of each sheet. Write the pertinent paragraph under the photo. Then, below your paragraph, draw a series of symbols or icons that communicate the photo and sentence information. Imagine that the symbols or icons you put down will describe the information to someone who can’t read.

Writing a clear and concise definition of a picture hones your writing communication skills. Translating your memories and experiences into simple pictures acquaints you with the creative process required to depict a certain subject. Additionally, describing the photo in simple and clear terms that anyone can understand (you can share your description with a friend or, in a group setting, discuss the photo with others) develops your verbal skills. In a group, the sharing of this information is always interesting and highly interactive. If you do this on your own and share your experience with a friend, you will be sharing an intimate perspective of yourself that will enrich your relationship.

THE TIME LAPSE PHENOMENA

You may notice, through doing The Artist Within projects, an interesting time-lapse phenomena. Often, the session, which is an hour long, seems to go very quickly. Students often comment that at the same time, it seems very concentrated. They say that they feel that they have accomplished a great deal in a short period of time (and, indeed, they have.) They have been creating unique forms, delving into their thoughts, activating their imaginations and sharing their experiences verbally and in writing to others.

Acceptance is a very active process, there is nothing passive about it, it’s not passive resignation but an act of recognition that things are the way they are… Acceptance doesn’t mean we can’t work to change the world, or circumstances, but it means that unless we accept things as they are, we will try to force things to be as they are not and that can create an enormous amount of difficulty

Jon Kabat-Zinn

The process of acceptance begins with the willingness to see things exactly as they are in the present moment. Acceptance is not about resignation. It is about courage. It is about the courage to look a situation right in the eye and say: “Yes, I have this issue.” Much like alcoholics first need to recognise that they have a problem before they can do something about it, so do we need to accept that we have an issue and not trying to cover it up. By not covering it up, that is not for other people but not covering it up for ourselves. Trying not to live in a self-imposed denial.

Can you keep your attention focused exactly here and now, taking each moment as it comes and connecting with whatever presents itself? Often, to be able to accept what comes into awareness, you must pass through periods of intense feelings such as anger, fear, or grief. These feelings themselves require acceptance. Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be.

Remember, things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are in this moment if you wish to change, heal, or transform yourself or your life. So developing an understanding of acceptance and willingness to experience your emotions is critical to enabling change. Much of our mindful awareness practice is targeted towards developing the ability to remain in the present. However, being in the present without accepting what we find there will undermine our ability to benefit from our practice.

The act of acceptance includes softening and opening to what is here. Allowing ourselves to engage with the present, fully with complete acceptance, is an act of concentration and focus. However, it should be comfortable, the sense of struggle should be released. By ceasing to deny and to fight with the way things are now, the strange thing about acceptance is that by giving up on all the energy we were using, our energy is freed to tackle the situation with some freshly gained insight.

An important realisation of acceptance is that it does not mean you have to like everything or that you have to take a passive attitude. Often people mistake acceptance for tolerance or submission. It does not mean you have to be satisfied with things as they are, or that you have to stop trying to change things for the better. As we are speaking of it here, acceptance simply means willingness to see things as they are, deeply, truthfully, and completely. This attitude sets the stage for acting in the most potent and healthy way in your life, no matter what is happening.

This is not a revelation which belongs only to mindfulness, many of us will remember the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling (an extract which sums up acceptance):

If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;

If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

It is not an easy option, it requires patience and practice. Acceptance enables us to make choices with the full facts at our disposal, with an objectivity which means that we can make the best decisions possible. The stoic approach which tells us to be concerned about only those things over which we have control requires the acceptance to understand what we can control. The words of the “Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr is another example of acceptance.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference

You do not have consider this as a prayer, if you do not have that kind of spiritual belief, the concept of acceptance is still valid.

All of the mindfulness attitudes support each other, with acceptance supporting our non-judgement and non-striving to remain mindful and aware.

Time management tips can teach you how to regenerate your vitality immediately by setting boundaries, utilizing these 3 powerful strategies:

1. Comprehend how your time choices shape your quality of life. Genuinely appreciating the full power of your time choices requires and builds grit. Why? You genuinely realize what an enormous responsibility you carry in your own two hands. Yet assuming that level of ownership actually creates courage, because life becomes infinitely more exciting! No more wasting energy in blaming others. Your moment-to-moment choices grow more meaningful. This brings your essential focus to here, now. “Here” is where you live. “Now” is where all your power resides.
2. Assertively prioritize activities that energize you. Consciously shaping your life through making your best possible time choices certainly helps you prioritize your activities. One of the most powerful techniques for energizing your time choices is to clearly identify your motivation. For example, if you resent going to work, you are draining your incentive and casting yourself in the role of the hapless victim, dragged through life by circumstances. You owe it to yourself to stop and consider the dignified reasons you go to work, like putting food on the table. Protect your energy by refusing to blame life for time choices you can make and remake at will. Then again, if your livelihood is demoralizing even when you invest your best efforts, you owe it to yourself to explore new avenues. Even in the most uncertain times, you benefit by examining and weighing the cost of each option. You will go through life more alert, more curious, and with enhanced vitality. And new doors will open.
3. Successfully establish boundaries to promote your priorities. To say “Yes” to one fresh opportunity, you must say “No” to others. This essential discipline is worth all the assertiveness and social skills it requires. Your zest for life is rallied in the following ways:
   • Establishing a hierarchy of priorities strengthens your core. Who you are is determined largely by what you consciously choose, and what you are willing to relinquish in return. This is where the rubber hits the road, and where you gain essential traction to move through your day.
   • Establishing boundaries shapes your life. If you feel obliged to say, “Yes,” to all demands, your life becomes no more than a receptacle for others’ agendas. Own your life. The more you simplify your commitments to support what truly matters to you, the more easily you can fulfill them without feeling depleted.
   • Setting boundaries clarifies significant relationships. By presenting a defined self with clear priorities, you invite others to follow your example. Although submerged conflicts may surface in ways you first find uncomfortable, addressing those conflicts frees up enormous energy to be authentic and straightforward.

As you see, establishing and maintaining time boundaries is key to a healthy, fulfilling and productive life! Experience for yourself how following through, patiently and persistently, accepting setbacks, yields remarkable dividends of vitality and optimism.

Let time management address the whole of your life. If you are clear you want to live your best life, make time choices that will deepen and enlarge your moments, no matter what comes your way. This “heart-based” time management honors and enhances the significance of your life, each and every moment.

So, ask yourself: How can you seize the opportunity right now to make more meaningful time choices?

Happiness is a skill and the habits I will be sharing will energize you to acquire a high happiness level. Do you find yourself wondering what would make you truly happy? We live in a world where we are taught that making money, becoming successful or becoming famous makes one happy. Social media tells you that someone else around you is happier than you. So maybe you work very hard, waiting for your vacation, for a slice of that happiness. I want you to know that you have everything it takes to be happy in your present condition. Happiness does not lie in the pursuit or a future moment. Happiness, like your time in those days, includes completely engaging in an activity with others and in the moment. Have you ever had the opportunity of watching a baby find happiness? I watch my nephew laugh at a song, at a funny face, at a shift in an ordinary moment. We have this ability to laugh when we allow ourselves to experience the awe and pleasure of a new born. Why should you be happy? I linked happiness to long life, increase in energy, success and even more positive marriages. When we practice happiness, they are linked to positive health outcomes. Studies show that happy people are more likely to experience better marriages, promotions at work and life satisfaction. Happy states have been shown to contribute to mental flexibility and creativity.

You may be asking if some people are born happier than others. Research shows that happiness is a function of your genetic predisposition, circumstances that you face, and choices that you make. The interplay of these factors will result in gain or lack of happiness. The good news is, if you had “unhappy” genes, you can make up for them by choosing habits that result in happiness. Some circumstances in your life may or may not be changed. Heavier weighted happiness factors are products of genetics and choices. You can’t change the genes you were given, so let’s discuss the choices you make which have been shown to produce happy moments.

You can choose to live a happy lifestyle. Every day, even when you do not feel like it, you can make a commitment to be happy. Then practice and keep practicing. I don’t want you to chase happiness. I want you to choose habits each day that will lead you to feeling happy. What should happiness look like? It is not giggling or grinning senselessly every day. Happiness can include states of contentment, calmness, the ability to sit with difficult moments and the feeling that you are in charge of your environment. You can practice happy habits each day, and like any goal, you can start with a commitment to lead a happy life. Happiness is not something I want you to strive for. Happiness is found in the daily moments and not in striving or wishing “I want to be happy.” Martin Seligman, a leader in the field of Positive Psychology and Happiness explained that you can find happiness by choosing a combination of positive emotions, engaging in things you value, finding meaning in your life, engaging in relationships and accomplishments. These skills can be practiced to cultivate states of happiness. We can take action each day to contribute to this area in our lives.

The most important moment in anyone’s life is the time when they are getting married. This is the moment that should get captured with stunning photos.

After the headaches of determining the most appropriate venue for the wedding, the most important thing for any couple is the photos. The wedding photos should not only be stunning but taken in a way that they appear natural, warm as well as capture the excitement of the moment.

Drones, or UAVs, are proving helpful with wedding photography as well. The use of drones in weddings is one of the latest trends and the idea’s success shows that it is here to stay. Drones are becoming popular in the industry because they can get shots from angles which are not humanly possible and this brings a new touch to the photos.

Cameras like Lily Drone are automated cameras and give you photos that are great but if you hire a professional photographer who has good experience in capturing images through drones then it will definitely make a difference and you will be able to get even better photos.

Wedding day is the most special day in the life of any couple and it is a day on which you should leave nothing to chance. This once in a lifetime moment should be captured with the utmost professionalism and therefore, you would better rely on drone photography firms like AirWedding.co or a well-known drone wedding photographer in your area.

While the idea of drones in weddings is great, there are a few reasons why drone photography is talked about a lot, but most people end up deciding against using it in their weddings. You should keep the following things in mind before you opt for drone wedding photography:

· The cost: Weddings are a costly affair and getting a drone for photography will definitely add on to the cost of the wedding.

· The noise: Drones cause a lot of noise and that may cause serious disruption during the wedding. The vows that are exchanged during the wedding may not be heard by the guests due to the noise made by the drone.

· The venue: Most venues are normally closed from the top and this would make the venue not friendly for drone photography.

· The time: the drones can grab all the guests’ attention away from the wedding. And it normally takes a lot more time to get a good shot and you would have to pose for each photo longer.

· the weather: you have to be really cautious of the weather while using drones for your wedding. If your wedding is in the rainy season, it is advisable for you to get in touch with the weather department to know if the weather would even allow the drone to soar in the air or not.

· The wind: the drones are not only non-functional in rains but also in high velocity winds too. The winds may knock off the drone and you may end up having no photographs at all. Therefore, it is a good idea to ask your photographer to have a standby camera in case the drone cannot be used for any reason.

Even with all these issues, it must be understood that drone photography is catching up and the day isn’t far when drones will be capturing photographs in every wedding!

Bumping into an ex after your breakup is always an emotional and overwhelming experience, it can leave you feeling very awkward and anxious which is not the best feeling in the world to feel.

From the moment that you first see your ex, your heart starts to race, you suddenly start to feel all sweaty and very uncomfortable and in that moment you have no idea how you will react, if you will manage to get a word out of your mouth or if you will completely lose control and make a scene.

But this is the moment that you need to pull yourself together, stay calm and remember the tips below.

Things to remember when bumping into your ex:

• Keep it Short and Sweet

Take a deep breath and keep yourself calm and confident, smile and say hello and then walk away.

• Try not to engage in a long conversation as you do not need to catch up on what has happened since you have broken up.

• Remember, the more you talk, the higher the risk could be for embarrassment.

By keeping your conversation short and sweet it will appear like you are in control of the situation and not the emotional wreck that you are inside.

• Do Not Mention the Past

If your ex tries to keep you engaged in a longer conversation than you planned, keep the conversation light and friendly and resist the urge of mentioning the past as this is not the time to air your grievances.

Rather arrange a private meeting at a later date for that discussion and walk away as soon as you can.

• Be The Better Person

Trying to stay cool and calm, when seeing your ex can be difficult, especially if they are still very angry and are trying to pick a fight with you. The best thing for you to do is to be the better person, stay calm, be friendly, tell your ex that you can meet at another time and place and then walk away. At the end of the day, they will feel bad about how they reacted and not you.

• Do Not Misread the Situation

If everything happens to go off well and you have a wonderful friendly conversation and your ex gives you a hug good-bye, do not misread the situation.

After all, you were a couple that was madly in love in the past and your ex will probably try to do the same as you, to keep things pleasant, It does not necessarily mean that your ex wants to get back together with you just because they gave you a hug good-bye.

Remember to leave the pleasant conversation and hug at that moment and continue to move forward with your healing process.

Anyone can be subjected to rudeness and inconsideration.

Because I’m a writer of books and columns, and because I’ve lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes recognized in public. I’m glad I’m not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without having even read whatever book or column they’re criticizing. So, I’ve been forced to learn to deal with negative comments, even when they’re mean spirited, and intended to hurt me. Because we all get criticized from time to time, you may find the following ideas helpful.

How you handle an awkward situation depends on whether you are setting boundaries or not. Most situations can be handled with polite firmness. At times it’s hard to know how to say “no, thank you” and make it stick.

If you say “no, thank you” several times, then, gently tell the person you don’t like what they’re doing, that it makes you uncomfortable, and they still don’t get it, then you need to sit them down and tell them you will not allow them to do that to you.

For example, if a friend makes rude or intrusive comments about your age, you can say, gently, “Your comment makes me uncomfortable” or “I appreciate that you think I look good, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment on my age.” If that doesn’t work, then have a talk. Say, “When you ask questions about my age, it makes me unhappy, and hurts my feelings.” If that doesn’t improve matters, then you’ll need to give that person a “time out:” withdraw from personal contact, and just be very polite when you do happen to see him or her. He or she will get the message loud and clear. Perhaps your friend will ask “Are you mad at me?” and then you can describe what the problem is.

Here are some possible awkward moments and how to handle them.

• You bump into someone and have forgotten her name, so you can’t introduce her to your partner.

This one is easily handled with a pre arrangement with your partner. My husband knows if I don’t introduce him right away, to say “Hi, I’m Richard. I didn’t catch your name.” Then I can say “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two had never met.” Or, you can take the direct approach. “I’m sorry; I’ve forgotten your name.” Or, if you’re my age you can say, “Please forgive me, I’m having a senior moment, and can’t recall your name.”

• You’re gossiping about someone in the office bathroom and she comes out of the stall.

The only thing you can do is say, “I’m sorry. That was rude of me.” But you’ll never be able to take it back. This is why gossip is a very bad idea. Best solution; give up gossiping; it only hurts you and everyone else. Second best: save gossiping for a private time and place and don’t just let your mouth run. If you gossip in a public area, you never know if a friend or relative of the subject of your gossip is overhearing you.

• You show up for a blind date and don’t like what you see.

I suggest, for all blind dates or Internet first meets, that you have a friend or family member call you a few minutes after the date begins. You can ignore the call if you are having fun, or you can say “Omygosh! I’ll be right there.” into the phone and plead a family emergency. Or, you can spend a few minutes having a cup of coffee and then say, “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’re a match. Thanks very much.” and leave. Don’t make blind dates for some complicated or expensive affair; have a coffee date first. You should always have your own transportation to a first, blind date, and you shouldn’t have the unknown person meet you at home. Meet for coffee somewhere public instead.

• Your babysitter asks for a raise that you don’t think she deserves.

Why do you have a babysitter you don’t think is good? If you don’t like her, get another baby sitter. You can say, “I’m sorry, this is as much as we can pay right now.” Don’t wait until she asks for a raise if there are problems, and don’t come up with a litany of problems after she asks for a raise. She won’t believe you; she’ll think you’re just trying to justify not giving her a raise.

• Your mother-in-law buys your daughter an outfit you don’t think is appropriate for a tween. (Naturally your tween loves it.)

If you can, make some adjustments (like a tank or leotard under a bare belly outfit) which will make the outfit more appropriate, so she can wear it. Then, let her grandmother see her in it. That will get the message across. Otherwise, give the outfit back to grandma, and say “Susie loves your gift, and thank you for thinking of her, but I’m afraid I’m too prudish to let her wear it. I’m so sorry.”

• You get an inappropriate or startlingly ugly gift from someone.

Say “Thank you” and accept the gift graciously. Think about the good intentions of the gift giver, and then, later on, you can give it to a thrift store or someone else who might like it.

• Someone comments on your weight loss, and it doesn’t feel good.

As someone who has lost and gained weight, I understand the problem exactly. The recipient of the compliment (especially the backhanded ones) also realizes that the commenter must have been critical about her weight, albeit silently, before this. People wishing to give compliments should stick to “gee, you look great.” and refrain from adding the intrusive “have you lost weight?” It’s really a privacy issue, although weight loss can be seen, it’s really not someone else’s business.

If you receive such an awkward compliment, simply say “thank you” and bring up a different topic, or add “you are looking well, too.” If you don’t let the busybody (who may be very well intentioned) draw you into a conversation about your weight and health, you will discourage further comment. If you get a really egregious comment like “you were really fat before” don’t dignify it with a reply. Just look the person in the eye, and remain silent. There’s no need to say anything to a slap like that. Your silence will speak volumes. Let the silence hang in the air a moment, and then bring up a totally different topic, like “isn’t it a lovely day?” Or, if you feel very insulted, just walk away and speak with someone else. If you’re so upset you can’t control your retort, then say “excuse me” and quickly go to the bathroom, which is a safe haven where you can compose yourself. The rude “friend” will get the message much more clearly this way than if you lower yourself to his or her level and retort with anger.

Handling difficult personalities takes skill and knowhow. Here’s a technique anyone can learn to use that works every time.

Adult time out

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a “time out” is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. Modern parents use a time out to discipline small children. The child is sent to a corner, or a room, to think about his or her behavior. An adult variation of the time out works as well on any adult friend who is acting childish or misbehaving. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior which is much more effective. If you’ve never tried this, you’ll be amazed at how effective becoming polite and pleasant but distant can be.

Most of the time, your friend’s behavior will immediately become more subdued around you; and often, her or she will treat you with more care. Eventually, he or she may ask you what’s wrong, or why you’ve changed, and at that point (and only at that point) you have an opportunity to tell him or her what the problem behavior is, and why you don’t like it. Learning to put obnoxious friends in time outs right at the beginning of unpleasant behavior can make it unnecessary to use tougher tactics at all. And if the person’s behavior doesn’t change, you can leave him or her in “time out” and you’ll be protected from it.