Are you a parent going through or who is already divorced?

How are things in your divorce situation? Is it a constant battle between you and the ex or are the two of you able to make it work?

What is the greatest pain you are enduring? Are you concerned about the negative effects of the situation on your children?

Are you feeling beyond frustrated, angry, and anxious because you’re worried about what the ex will do or say next to make your life more miserable? Do you feel like the stress and anxiety are affecting your health?

What are you more afraid of than anything when it comes to the ex? How are you dealing with this? Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells?

Is there anything you can do that will help alleviate this overwhelming fear?

My wife Laurie and I created The EX-Factor to help guide you to be able to create harmony after the split to nurture an environment where your children are thriving.

We are here to tell you, “YES, there is!”

We have each been where you are. We’ve experienced the emotional trauma of divorce and seen the effect on our kids. We’ve worked with coaches and counselors. We’ve done the work it takes to for self-growth. Now we’re passionately committed to be here for you, to serve as your guides to help you navigate the turbulent waters of divorce.

What are the effects of fear when it comes to divorce?

Fear is stifling because the tendency is to become consumed by your fear when it becomes your main focus. The more you are unknowingly focused on your FEAR, the more reactive you become.

Gaining Clarity for what you really want allows you to develop heightened Awareness so you can pause and pivot, i.e., think things through, and start being proactive. This means you are rational and intentional so you can create more of what you really want, instead of more of what you do NOT want.

When you understand that what you focus on is what you get more of in return, you can create a shift to focusing on your newfound Clarity for what you DO want.

Being reactive will rarely get you more of what you really want, rather it will create more of what you do NOT want.

Think about it… when the ex suddenly gets angry at you, she/he has lost control of herself/himself, has lost control of the interaction with you, and you never want to do what she/he wants you to do!

Likewise, when you react with anger at the ex, you have lost control of yourself, of the interaction, and the ex will never do what you want him/her to do!

If you’re at all like me, many of the aspects leading up to divorce happened out of the blue. They were a complete surprise and as a result I was not prepared for any of it and ended up stuck in an extremely reactionary state.

Once I gained true Clarity for what I really wanted for my then 3-year-old daughter, I was finally able to STOP reacting. The very next day a situation occurred with the ex that once would have led to my getting angry. Instead, I took a big breath and thought about what I wanted for my daughter, which was for me to be the best parent I could possibly be.

As a result, I STARTED to create a shift for how I handled things. Yes, I was able to stay calm and in self-control. Over the next few months, the underlying dynamics began to shift.

The empowerment of having Clarity changed everything for my daughter, and for me.

To gain Clarity, simply step up and go through my free Clarity Exercise. Go to:

http://www.theex-factor.com/clarityexercise

The password to access is “clarity1”

You are here because you have the Awareness that things can shift for the better. Commit to follow-through on being the best parent you can be for the sake of your children.

STOP being stuck in the Vicious Cycle of Subconscious Fear and START being the best, most Aware parent you can be so can make sure your kids are thriving.

As our society changes, so do our values and standards, as well as what we consider to be the norms in terms of behavior. This affects everything from our choices in education and profession, to relationships, and of course, nearly all other aspects of the way we conduct our lives. And while Marriage and Divorce-capital letters intended here-seem to be solid and unchanging, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Both are dynamic and evolving over time, as can be seen by analyzing even just a few years worth of divorce trends and news.

One case in point is the overall rate of both marriages and divorces in the country. Both of these rates have been dropping. In 2016, the last year with fully available statistics as of the time of this writing, the marriage rate was at 6.9 marriages per 1,000 total population, down from 8.2 in 2000. Meanwhile for divorces, the latest figures show 3.2 per 1,000, down from 4.0 in the same timeframe. Fewer people are getting married, and fewer are getting divorced.

Yet, not all types of divorce are decreasing in prevalence. One specific type is skyrocketing. That’s gray divorce, a term used to references couples over the 50 in long-term marriages getting divorced. The rate there has doubled since 1990.

Another emerging divorce trend is that of animal rights in family law cases, and seeking to protect their wellbeing opposed to viewing them as tradable pieces of property. Three states in the country currently have laws on the record stipulating just that, including Alaska, Illinois, and California, and more in the future seems to be a foregone conclusion.

Meanwhile, all things related to the disparity of income and opportunity, such as discussions of the 1% vs. the 99%, and heated debates and laws on tax rates for the wealthy, continue to be in the spotlight. Consider this-the richest man in the world, Jeff Bezos, is getting divorced as well. The outcome will likely be the most expensive divorce settlement in history as well, given his status. His personal wealth was estimated at about $140 billion at the start of 2019, and half of that, give or take a few mansions or Amazon stock options, could be up for grabs.

Speaking of financial matters, another divorce trend right now is the growing prevalence of and confusion about Bitcoin and cryptocurrency in divorce. Cryptocurrency was generally designed to be difficult or impossible to cleanly trace, while wild swings in their worth provide difficulty in estimating fair value. Both of these issues figure to cause headaches for those trying to sort out digital financial assets in divorce cases in the years ahead.

Clearly, much is changing in the world of marriage and divorce. Staying up to date on the latest divorce trends and news is important on its own, and can also be a useful way to gauge what’s happening elsewhere in society.

Poor Track Record for the Most Common Approaches to divorce Recovery

The three most common approaches to facilitate recovery from divorce are divorce support groups, individual psychotherapy, and the simple passage of time.

The success of these three approaches is abysmal. Sixty-six percent of 2nd marriages and 75% of 3rd marriages also ending in divorce. In addition, long-term distrust and animosity between ex-spouses is common which does not bode well for the hoped-for trauma-free effects of the divorce on their children.

Obviously, something is wrong with how divorce recovery is currently being practiced.

The Problem of Not Knowing What the Problem Is

The core issue originates from a hazy understanding of the problem divorced people face. Is it the mental problem of depression? Is it an emotional problem of being overwhelmed with a witch’s brew of feelings, including sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, grief, abandonment, resentment, bitterness, rejection, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, worry, etc.? Is it impatience with how long it takes to forget the painful event?

Individual psychotherapy attempts to treat the nebulous problem of “depression.” divorce support groups attempt to treat the non-specific problem of “emotional upset.” And adherents to the passage-of-time approach treat the vague problem of “not enough time has passed yet” by prescribing “let more time pass.”

None of the three approaches specifies a clearly defined problem nor a clear plan of action to solve it.

What is needed is a clearly defined roadmap or plan that specifies the steps to take to solve the problems inherent in making a recovery from divorce.

A New Approach to the Problem

Recent work by this author has identified the core problem to be an almost universal tendency of divorced people to resist making the necessary changes to thrive in their new life situation imposed on them by their divorce. That is, the problem is resistance to change.

This is good news.

We know about resistance to change and there is a roadmap to follow to dissolve it. Plus, the process of dissolving resistance to change also addresses the emotion-based issues raised by two of the other approaches to divorce recovery.

Recovery from divorce unfolds in three stages:

(1) STABILIZE your emotional reactions to your divorce and to your ex;

(2) RELEASE your fear of an unknown future and your distress over your losses; and

(3) PREPARE for your next committed relationship so that you don’t get divorced again.

Within these stages are the 10 steps in a roadmap to recovery. Each step is designed to identify and address a core problem unique to the divorce transition process that threatens your recovery. Here is a short description of each of the 10 steps.

The First Stage: Stabilize Your Reactions to the Divorce

In this stage you begin to dissolve the emotion-based reactions you are having to the divorce, to your ex, and to your current life after divorce. You also begin to reduce your attachments to “how life used to be.” The steps of the first stage are:

Step 1: Disentangle Yourself from Your Ex. You are entering a new, exciting stage of your life. It is now time to take stock of your reactions to your current life after divorce and start separating your life as it used to be from the life it is now becoming.

Step 2: Acknowledge the Trauma That Was Caused.Divorce is a traumatic incident in your life. You must identify what was injured and treat it in order to prevent it from defining the rest of your life. Like Marcia Salmon notes, ” divorce is an incident, not a lifestyle.”

Step 3: Accept Your Ambivalence about. You did not get married to your ex because you hated him or her. There were good times. There were also the not-so-good times. Getting divorced causes ambivalence and second thoughts which need to be identified and dealt with.

Step 4: Clarify Your Goals for the Transition. In the vast majority of the cases, people choose goals for their divorce recovery that virtually guarantee failure. What you need are goals that will lead to a successful life after divorce.

The Second Stage: Dissolve Reluctance to Accept Your New Life Situation

In this stage you remove the barriers to a successful transition. One barrier lodged in the past is your reluctance to give up the good things you enjoyed from your past life with your ex. The other barrier, tied to the future, is the fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what the future will bring. Working in tandem, these two barriers create an extraordinarily strong resistance to change. In this stage you dissolve away this naturally occurring resistance and eliminate your reluctance to accept and embrace your new life situation. The steps of this stage are:

Step 5: Dissolve the Effects of Fear. Fear of an unknown future keeps us stuck in the past. You must reduce that fear in order to embrace your future with hope and happiness.

Step 6: Dissolve the Effects of Loss. All life transitions, wanted or unwanted, result in some loss. divorce is no different. However, almost all of us think we have lost more than we actually have. Don’t grieve it if you didn’t lose it.

Step 7: Bring the Relationship with Your Ex to Completion. All relationships end with important things left unexpressed. Figuring out what those things are and dealing with them free you up to move on without the baggage that divorce creates.

The Third Stage: Prepare for Your Future

In this stage you take what you’ve learned from the divorce process and envision a new life that is satisfying and rewarding. The steps of this stage are:

Step 8: Prepare for a Relationship. A successful relationship requires that you get what you need. You must engage your head in addition to your heart if you want your next committed relationship to succeed.

Step 9: Recalibrate Your Life and Create the New You. Divorce offers you an unprecedented opportunity to redefine who you are and how you want to live the next chapter in your life in the most personally meaningful way. Your challenge is to take advantage of this chance to start over with a clean slate.

Step 10: Use the Past to Plan Your Future. Now is the time to take what you have learned and lay out your map for a happy, productive life after divorce. Like Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

So, What’s the Point?

You have been given an unprecedented second chance at having a happy and fulfilling life. Statistics tell us that without a roadmap to guide you through your resistance to change, that opportunity is doomed to fail. However, if you follow the roadmap outlined in the 10 steps above, you have an excellent chance of turning what was the worst experience in your life into the best thing that could ever happen to you.

The dissolution of a marriage is a very painful process. Your ability to manage properly the transition from being a married person to being single again can determine whether you can move on with your life quickly or whether your life may grind to a halt for a while.

In this article focus on the family: dealing with divorce, I want to look at what a divorced person can do to help him or her manage the transition well so that they can focus on the future as quickly as possible.

1. Accept That It Is Over

Sometimes when people divorce, they often ruminate about things they could have done differently in the marriage so that they could have increased the chances that the marriage would have stood for ages. Doing this only drains one of energy, makes one live in the past, and prevents one from looking forward to all the opportunities and hope that the future offers.

So to save yourself heartache and unnecessary emotional instability, accept that your marriage to the man or woman you once loved is over. Choose to use the mistakes you made as a tool to help you grow: remind yourself often of the lessons you learned in the marriage and resolve to make those lesson guide you as you form new romantic relationships in the future.

2. Do Not Be Too Hard On Yourself

It may sound counter-intuitive, but this is the time for you to give yourself a good treat so that you can alleviate some of the pain of the whole process.

• Cook your favorite meal, invite one or two work colleagues and have an interesting conversation as you enjoy the meal.
• Travel to an exotic island in the Caribbean and enjoy the sun and some delicious tropical meals.
• Take hot baths and imagine yourself in paradise as you enjoy the feel of the water on your skin.
• Put on your best clothes, visit friends you have not seen in a while and reminisce about good times.
• Watch some of your favorite movies that you have not watched in a while.

3. Join Support Groups

It is very easy for a divorced individual to feel that he or she is the only one who is going through such an experience in life. That can breed feelings of loneliness which in turn can increase the risk that one may choose to engage in unhealthy habits such as smoking, drinking, and taking drugs in an attempt to deal with the emotional and psychological pain of the divorce.

However, there are scores of other people who have also gone through what you are going through, and who can share their experiences with you to help you see that there is hope for tomorrow so that you can heal quickly and move on with your life.

• Divorce Support and First World Wives have chats and forums which offer one an opportunity to talk to others who have also been through what he or she is experiencing.
• DivorceCare will give you an opportunity to meet men and women who have also experienced what you are going through face-to-face, if you prefer to interact in this manner with divorced people.

4. Pray

The Bible says in Psalm 147:3 that, “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” God works on the hearts of those who have experienced great disappointment, soothes their pain, helps them to forget, and brings emotional healing and psychological relief to them when they seek Him in time of suffering.

So every morning, intone a prayer such as this one, “Dear LORD, glory be to Your holy Name for your grace and mercies that have sustained me from the day I was born up till now. Father, I am hurting as a result of my divorce from Kwaku. Please give me the grace I need to bear this cross. Please help me to forgive him for all that he did to me. And please help me to move on with my life. Amen.”

Conclusion

In this article about focus on the family: dealing with divorce, I have shown you that acceptance, relaxation, seeking human support, and seeking Divine help can all help you to brave the storm so that you can continue living. Do these things often until they become your second nature and you will be able to enjoy life again.

Divorce has become a common occurrence both in the United States and around the world. According to divorce statistics, it is estimated that between 40 percent and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce in the United States. In some countries, divorce rates for first marriages exceed 50 percent. Second and third marriages in the United States have even higher divorce rates. According to statistics, second marriages fail at a rate of 60-67 percent, and third marriages fail at a rate of 73-74 percent.

Divorce statistics show that there are number of reasons why marriages fail. According to divorced couples, the number one reason that marriage fails is due to either a lack of communication or poor communication. The second most cited reason for divorce is martial conflicts and arguments. Thirdly, many divorced couples say infidelity led to divorce. While these are the primary reasons cited for divorce, statistics show that there are several underlying factors that contribute to these trends. These factors include, but are not limited to: age, education, income, religion, and cohabitation.

Age

Statistics show that those who get married in their mid to late-twenties are less likely to get divorced that those who marry at a younger age, and that this age group tends to be more satisfied in marriage than those couple who marry later in life. For divorced couples under the age of 20, the women are more likely to initiate the divorce; whereas for divorced couples over the age of 20, the men are more likely to initiate the divorce.

Education and Income

Education and income both play a role in divorce statistics. Data shows that a married couple with a higher education and a higher income is less likely to divorce than a couple with lower education and lower income.

Religion

While several religious denominations show a slightly lower divorce rate of 21-34 percent, other data suggests that those with no religious affiliation have a lower divorce rate than those with reported religious affiliations. It has also been suggested that pastors of local congregations, for various reasons, may not be aware of how many divorced couples are actually in, or have been part of, their congregations.

Cohabitation

Reports suggest that between 40 percent and 85 percent of couples who lived together before getting married had the marriage end in divorce.

Divorce statistics indicate that about one-fourth of adults in the United States have been divorced at least once in their lifetime. Characteristics of individuals that have a higher probability of divorce include:

o younger age at time of marriage

o lower education

o has children from a previous relationship

o cohabitation prior to marriage

o sexual activity prior to marriage

According to divorce statistics, it does not appear that only one factor contributes to a couple’s decision to divorce. Although three primary reasons have been identified by divorced couples as the leading causes of divorce, it seems that underlying factors may contribute to these issues as well.

A wise women told me once “don’t believe what is said only believe in what you see”.

I have seen so many articles about divorce and listened to all opinions about the Monster Mr. Divorce. Hearing and reading is really nothing compared to real life knowledge. From my experience as a divorced woman, I can say that most of what you read and hear is not true. I think that the consequences of divorce communicated are very exaggerated, so allow me to tell you what I have experienced myself.

Let’s go through all of what I was told then tell you the reality of each and every claim mentioned. I want to clarify that I will only go through the negatives people were so much sure, I mean like 100% sure that I will face after divorce.

1- The Husbands Stealer

Let me start by the most hilarious thing that I have been told: “All of your married friends will cut off their relation with you, they will all think that you are going to steal their husbands!”.

No this didn’t happen at all, my friends are still my friends and none of them ever thought like this. I go to my friends’ homes while their husbands are present and we even travel all together. Everything regarding our friendship did not change after getting my new title. Finally, if any divorced woman experienced this, let me tell you clearly that it’s your friends’ problem not yours. If a friend decided to end it up with you because you are now single and she is terribly scared that her husband could think of you, so she is probably unsecure and it’s her fault not yours.

2- My options are only limited to losers

They will say “you will for sure get married to someone who is terrible, who would marry you except a loser, you are now divorced, you are less than any other women- defected”.

No, No! I am not less than anyone, maybe I am better than many. What did I do to attract losers and terrible men? what have changed in me. Nothing at all, I am still the same lady I was before getting married, maybe divorce made me wiser and can say no to losers.

3- Everyone will use you

They said “All men who you will be dating will not plan for something serious, they will just be taking advantage of you either, financially or sexually”.

Let me stop here and tell you that single ladies are just like divorced, they both face this same issue. What can stop men from taking benefit of you is not you being untouched, it’s you saying no and setting your limits.

4- You cannot get divorced again

My mum once told me “If you got married again and it didn’t go well, you will never be able to get divorced once more, you will be doomed in this unhappy marriage forever, you can’t handle the title of twice divorced”.

Excuse me, why I will not do this again? Why would I stay in another unhappy marriage? I know now how to end it and when to end it if I have to. I handled the title of divorced woman and I can handle double the trouble.

5- You cannot raise your kids alone

“Your kids will get negatively affected, kids cannot be raised properly without their biological father”.

No your kids will not be affected if they are loved and understood. You can easily raise them alone and I think most of married women today are taking care of their kids solely. If you got married to a loving person, he can be a great substitute to their biological one. Just make sure to pick the right guy this time.

Summing up

To conclude, if you are so sure about your decision and you think that divorce is the only solution you have, please be certain that there are negatives but life isn’t that bad after getting divorced.

Most of the claims you will be hearing aren’t real. May be they were legitimate in the past; I mean like 20 years ago but surly they aren’t valid today.

People now know very well that the divorced women are not less than other women. What happened to her is fate and no lady ever wanted her marriage to up end with divorce.

You can control very well what others think of you with your personality and attitude. Moreover, do not worry about your kids, they will be fine, just love them and they will be great.

Finally, as we all know, divorce rate reached 60.7 in cities according to CAPMUS 2017 report, meaning that every family has a divorced case, every group of friends has 2 or 3 divorced friends. People get in touch with a divorced woman every day and they know that it could be their daughter, sister, mother, relative or best friend.

As we all know that divorce brings you to that stage of life where you logically die even-though if you are physically alive. Or in other words divorce is death of a marital relationship. The impact that the reek of divorce brings along with it undeniably destroys one so badly that s/he might take years to get back on feet.

Earlier what we discussed was the emotional cost of divorce that is incurred in shape of death of love and loss of respect, isolation, stress, restlessness, developmental regression, physical deterioration, low self-esteem, absence of trust, cynicism, anger, bitterness, feelings of inadequacy any many more.

“I want to get separated from my spouse”, “we don’t have compatibility” or “we don’t make a good match” are the frequent phrases that we hear from young married couples today. Well, this group of people has set of mind which tells them that by getting divorced they are putting an END to the marital unhappiness and with divorce they can rid the tyranny, oppression and abuse of the spouse. But literally speaking they are simply replacing a set of problem with another especially in cases where minors are involved. You will find them coming out of divorce entirely different and their life will take a counter-turn.

Relating back to the previous topic, a question arises in our mind that why divorce, breakup, separation and unpleasant marital life are becoming so very common in the present world? Divorces did exist in the past but comparatively at a very small scale. This is so very obvious that children who see their parents getting divorced are growing as a broken generation having several sets of problems which becomes a part of their lives. They are further stained when their parents remarry. And very clearly when abused children grow up in an atmosphere where such treatments have become “no problem” now or more likely to say “fashion”, they will follow the same and will act accordingly when they will get married and thus the cycle continues. This is a very staggering cost that our whole nation is bearing.

We saw that the emotional toll of divorce is itself not less than any big loss but its financial costs are also hideous bringing devastating consequences.

There is growing government dread over soaring divorce costs. In United Kingdom, studies have shown that government provided legal aid alone of £178 million the previous year, out of which just £9.2 billion were spent helping people cope with the aftershocks of freedom. There were other costs that were spent on children care and the estimation was up to the £1.3 billion.

Whereas in the United States, the average divorce cost varies with estimation of $10,000 to 20,000. A recent study has provided an assessment that marriages that end in divorce are very costly to the public; furthermore, it was figured that a single divorce costs the federal governments about $30,000, based on things as the higher use of food stamps and public housing as well as increased bankruptcies and juvenile delinquency. The United States nation’s 10.4 million divorces are estimated to have cost the taxpayers over $30 billion. Drilling down discretely, the cost that the taxpayer are paying off to the government includes child support enforcement cost of $37.7 million, domestic violence programs cost of $9.7 million and child abuse and neglect cost of $113.4 million whereas not including any welfare benefits to mothers who are dependent. If the divorce rates are reduced in any measurable fashion, it will save the taxpayers substantial dollars.

A sociology professor Steven Nock and U. Iowa Law and Economics professor Margaret Brinig were the first ones who studied this subject. They found out that as the divorce costs are too much for an ordinary person, the court proceedings may be stretched for a year or more. They also calculated that $175 billion is spent annually on divorce, mostly on litigation.

Divorce has become a very big and successful business in the United States. According to the information provided by a web- site that is geared toward divorce and remarriage, divorce is a $31 billion-a-year industry with an average cost of about $20,000.

Among many, one of the major reasons that are becoming recognized is the connection between the emotional pain of divorce and its impact on finances. No doubt, Divorce can lead to mental depression and emotional instability. It is studied that the rate of depression is nearly three times higher among divorced men and women than with married couples who have never divorced. When a spouse or both request for divorce, it is not uncommon to see job performance and productivity falls off dramatically between stress, lawyer meetings and time taken to build a new life. This will not be unwise to say that “If you hire a divorce lawyer today, there is a good chance you will hire a bankruptcy lawyer within two or three years.”

Divorce cost, whether emotional or financial, can be reduced substantially and kept under control if a spouse (petitioning for divorce) or both of them acknowledge the complete divorce process, make no haste and have control over their anger because in most of the cases divorce costs are heightened due to the destructive attitudes of the spouse towards the other making the process lengthier in terms of frequent sittings for counseling, consultation and other court proceedings.

The divorce costs can be further reduced financially by; revising your will carefully, taking existing insurance coverage in account, canceling all joint bank accounts (credit cards) and revising retirement assets.

Going not so far away from this miserable world of divorce, there are couples who are managing it out and like them very few are winners. Basically they are ones we should be looking at. The cost in emotional pain and suffering, as well as dollars and cents, can be extreme. The process may also go on for years. Still, by cooperating, understanding each other and learning the rules you both can come out in reasonably good shape.

Divorce is an all too familiar part of modern-day life, but that unfortunate reality doesn’t make it any less distressing when it happens to you. No one gets married anticipating their relationship will end in divorce and the breakdown of a relationship can be tough on all concerned. Getting divorced can, for a time, significantly affect your mental health.

For some people their divorce may have been gradually gaining momentum for quite a time. Lack of common ground, disinterest, boredom plus an increased lack of respect may have meant that the couple have simply been sharing the same roof, but little else. Then there are those who may have felt that their relationship was fine until a request to divorce hit them like a bolt out of the blue; shocking, devastating and completely unexpected.

Yes, living together requires hard work, compromise and open channels of communication in which to discuss irritations and disagreements, hopefully then arriving at a better understanding. If that doesn’t happen, perhaps for many valid reasons like work, children, feeling stressed or too tired, it can be all too easy to slip into an auto-pilot existence, going through routine daily activities, collapsing into bed at night and then repeating it all again the next day. Sound familiar?

But living like that brings its own stresses and pressures, which can ultimately impact on our relationship and our mental health. If we increasingly feel invisible, less important than everyone else, stressed, with little time, money or energy to do what we want or would like to do it can introduce a frumpy, unattractive, boring mindset, where we almost stand back from engaging fully in life. We may not even recognise ourselves in our early wedding photographs: whatever happened to that person?

How many of us start our marriage with the mantra, start as you mean to go on? But, as the honeymoon phase wears off it’s often replaced by everyday reality, with relationship growing pains often being experienced; little doubts, uncertainties and criticisms may be forthcoming. The weary ‘why don’t you?’, ‘I wish you wouldn’t’, the raised eyebrow or sigh may be signs that our partner has become somewhat exasperated by our quirky habits or behaviours.

We may be able to work through tensions, talk them out, but for some people receiving criticism or rejection from someone they love can be the ultimate rejection, where they feel obliged to try harder, be better, improve and do more. And if that doesn’t have the desired effect where do they go from there? It’s often a massive blow to their confidence and self-esteem as they see themselves heading for divorce!

People who’ve been living in a loveless or disapproving, highly critical relationship for a long time may well experience a significant erosion of their mental state; depression, low mood, sleeplessness, poor self-confidence and self-belief are not uncommon as a consequence.

Let’s look at ways to support your mental health after your divorce;

– Share how you’re feeling with a trusted friend or confidante. It’s good to have an ally who’s there to offer support and reassurance. Or your GP or spiritual adviser may be a valuable source of assistance. Equally, booking time with a therapist could be a positive way to unravel some of the negativity that’s built up during the deterioration of your relationship and subsequent divorce.

– Accept that your ex partner now feels differently about you and the relationship, an opinion that’s been shaped over time, encompassing many different experiences. Their opinion of you is simply their perspective. It doesn’t define who you are. You both changed and grew apart over time, which lead to your divorce.

– It’s often necessary to make quick decisions after a divorce, in particular concerning living arrangements, schooling and earning money. Try to avoid major, hasty decisions that could have long-term implications and instead maybe house share with a friend, aiming to keep things as familiar as possible at first. Allow some time to grieve, heal and consider what you’d like to do next, maybe starting by working part-time.

– Formulate ideas and plans for a positive future, no matter how far ahead that may feel. Yes, money may be tight, children may require your full attention, but try to schedule in windows of time for yourself, even if it’s going for a walk, reading a book, phoning a friend for a chat, enrolling for an online course, or even dipping your toe in the water with a dating site.

– Be proactive. You may have lost your old circle of friends for a variety of reasons, so start to build a new group, more suited to your present set of circumstances. Other parents, neighbours, work colleagues, even online forums and social media may offer support, companionship and help in boosting your mood. Discovering that you’re not alone, that others have had similar feelings and experiences from which they’ve recovered can offer invaluable comfort and reassurance.

As you move into this next stage of your life agree to be gentle with yourself, but also be receptive to new ideas, to things you may have never considered before. Open up your mindset to the possibilities of your new life post-divorce. You’re not just moving forward, you’re starting anew!

The days of divorced dads picking up their kids every other Friday evening and bringing them back home to Mom Sunday nights may not be Completely gone yet, but they’re dwindling. Today’s divorced parents are changing the child custody landscape with continued co-habitation, nesting and other creative, non-traditional co-parenting arrangements.

Nesting

Divorce can be hard on kids, no matter what age they are. While dealing with the separation of their parents is by far the hardest thing to handle, moving back and forth between homes is almost equally as disruptive. To combat this, some parents are giving children custody of the family home in an arrangement called nesting.

Instead of moving the kids in and out of the house, each parent takes turns living in the family home with the kids. This allows the children to remain in familiar surroundings,continue going to the same schools, remain involved in their established extra-curricular activities and stay in close contact with their friends. Mom and Dad maintain separate residences where they live temporarily while the other stays with the children, parenting them in the “nest” for set time periods.

Shared Space

Maintaining two or three residences is cost-prohibitive for many divorced couples. Some divorced parents opt instead to continue sharing their former “marital home” with their children after divorce. They may live together as room-mates while co-parenting simultaneously or they might establish a schedule allowing them to take turns. If the house is large enough, they might each have their own smaller removed “space” that they take turns living in while the “on-duty” parent lives in the main part of the residence, parenting the children.

Neighbors

The nesting arrangement requires adequate finances to accommodate multiple residences and the shared space set-up necessitates the ability to continue living together in harmony. Somewhere between these two concessions lies the neighboring option.

For these ex-spouses, living separate from one another, but in close proximity, allows them to continue parenting their children on a daily basis with minor disruption to the kids. They may have homes on the same street or apartments in the same complex. The children can move back and forth between their parents’ residences freely, giving them open access to both mom and dad and eliminating many of the issues present when divorced parents live more distant from one another.

Putting the Kids First

Obviously, these types of parenting arrangements require an extremely amicable relationship between the ex-spouses. They’re clearly not for everyone. Regardless, whether parents are in a position to choose one of these newly popular modernized co-parenting set-ups or they develop their own creative custody arrangement, the important thing is that they serve the best interests of the children.

At Mejias Milgrim Alvarado, we are committed to helping our clients meet that objective by exploring their unique situations and negotiating child custody arrangements that work best for all. Come talk to us about your Family Law requirements.

The time is here for a new paradigm in lifelong relationships. During the 20th Century, it was clear that what has been the model and structure for lifetime monogamous relationships was NOT WORKING! I am referring to the dysfunctional relationship called “Marriage” as defined and shaped by state lawmakers. Relationships are not the problem; it is the financial structure of the institution of marriage as designed by lawmakers which is diminishing the desire for people to marry.

There has been an 1150% increase in cohabitation in the last 40 years. At the same time the divorce rate in America continues to climb and is one of the highest per capita in the world. Since the advent of marriage laws in the early 1900’s, divorces have increased 500% on a per capita basis. All relationships have their challenges. Usually we view these challenges as personality and lifestyle differences. During marriage there is a continual need to work through personality and lifestyle differences while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. There is also a second challenge which most of us do not consider when entertaining the prospect of marriage. State and federal family law legislation has added another variable to the marriage dynamic — that of joint money, joint liability for debts and joint ownership of assets. Why did lawmakers include joint ownership of accumulated assets, liability, debt and judgments into the institution of marriage? Does this enhance the relationship or increase the potential longevity? Does this criterion change the motivations for marriage? What about the effect on the motivations for divorce? Is current family law what our faith-based forefathers intended?

More than 15 million people in America are cohabiting and this number is increasing exponentially. For the first time in history, there are more unmarried households than married households. America is in the midst of a major societal revolution as it pertains to traditional relationships and lifelong intimate commitments. The blame rests in part with State family laws (marriage/divorce laws), State/Federal marriage tax penalties and Social Security entitlement penalties for the married. Other reasons for the high divorce rates are directly attributed to a major social shift in the commitment of marriage coupled with societal acceptance of multiple intimate relationships in a person’s lifetime.

Psychologists have claimed money and finances are the number one reason for dysfunctional marriages. What if money issues were not part of your loving lifelong relationship? The Eternity Commitment or “EC” is an alternative to marriage where you have a committed lifelong relationship; however do not have the issues of joint money and possessions.

Thousands of years ago, marriage was created and defined by the different religions as the lifelong bonding of loving heterosexual couples, thus creating a family unit recognized by God. Marriage was blessed by the clergy and vows shared and expressed publicly under the eyes of God at the appropriate ceremony. Marriage was a spiritual commitment where the man and woman became one “spiritually”, not financially. There was no government intervention or marriage law mandating that marriage was a financial partnership. It would have been superfluous because religion strongly discouraged divorce.

The traditional structure of marriage created thousands of years ago is more functional and self-sustaining than marriage as it is structured today. Modern society has imposed a myriad of challenges to any formal relationship including marriage itself. The inclusion of the state-mandated financial partnership with the institution of marriage has resulted in dysfunctional motives for all aspects and phases of the marriage relationship.

Most couples believe marriage is a single lifelong commitment. However, there are actually three commitments within the realm of marriage. The first is the personal commitment of love and companionship for life. This is the most important commitment for without this commitment no other commitment will survive. The second commitment is the spiritual or faith-based commitment. This is optional based on a person’s faith. The third commitment is the marital law commitment. This is the commitment of a financial structure for your marital relationship. The structure of the marital law financial structure is synonymous with forming a 50/50 business partnership. Yes, you could just as easily duplicate the financial structure of marriage with the formation of a 50/50 business. With marriage, incomes are considered to be joint income, debt acquired by either person is joint or community debt, the couple forms one legal entity and the couple is one “taxed” entity according to the IRS. Just like a business partnership. I know of no couples who marry for the purpose of forming a business partnership. This is the basis of the dysfunctional relationship of present-day marriage.

Many 21st century couples do not want the state-mandated financial design of marriage nor do they want to ever experience the emotional trauma or financial repercussions of divorce. Therefore, they choose NOT to marry. Imagine having the freedom to design your own financial structure for your lifelong relationship rather than being forced into state-imposed rules. The Eternity Commitment gives you that option. You decide what is best for you during your relationship. AND… with an EC you never get divorced.

Most people don’t realize that when a marriage license is obtained you are opting for and agreeing to the state mandated financial structure of your lifelong relationship. A marriage license has nothing to do with your spiritual or personal commitment. In all 50 States, a marriage license is optional for your committed loving relationship. There are many benefits and reasons to opt for an Eternity commitment.

The Eternity Commitment is a relationship of love and companionship for life. It represents the traditional structure for the family which has endured for thousands of years. In the early 1900’s lawmakers enacted thousands of laws which re-characterized marriage to be a relationship of money, debt and possessions. When you analyze marriage laws, they are not about love, honor and cherish until death do you part. They are about joint ownership of property, debt, liabilities, businesses, retirement moneys, etc which in reality resembles a 50/50 business structure. People don’t marry to become business/financial partners; they do so to make a commitment to share love and companionship for life. So why complicate the intimate relationship with spending/saving habits of a partner when there is an alternative to keep the finances separate.

The Eternity Commitment is a lifelong commitment of an intimate relationship not involving marriage. The financial structure of the Eternity Commitment is self-defined between the consenting adults, thus bypassing and avoiding a state mandated financial structure for marriage. The financial structure of an Eternity Commitment is similar to that of a “joint venture” where individuals keep their financial and legal identities when sharing an intimate relationship of love and companionship. With an EC a checking account is established for the depository of funds to pay joint living expenses. In contrast, the financial structure of marriage is where the two parties become one financial, legal and taxed entity. Everything is joint ownership. The structure of marriage has within it inherent strife and conflict associated with spending and savings philosophies and ideologies. The meshing of money and possessions with the marriage is dysfunctional to the intimate relationship. In essence, the financial structure of marriage is contributory to the high divorce statistics.

In recent years, Common Law Marriage has been abolished in all 50 States (with a few caveats), so cohabiting with an intimate relationship will not automatically presume you are legally married. Today, you have a choice to marry or not to marry… or have an Eternity Commitment.

State marriage laws do not enforce the primary commitment of marriage, “until death do us part”. Therefore, the institution of marriage in no way protects a marriage from failure. If one person desires a divorce, the courts will grant it. The process of divorce is in reality, the process of splitting the co-mingled assets and debts. In many cases, the person breaking the commitment of marriage will profit financially because they will receive enrichment from their ex-spouse for the investment they made in the marriage. Thus, state lawmakers have created immoral incentives for divorce.

With an Eternity Commitment all property, money, retirement, investments, assets, debts, etc. remain sole and separate unless the two involved agree to include them in the “joint venture” portion of their relationship. Therefore, if there is a separation of people, there is no need to separate money and possessions because these are already separate. This is in contrast to marriage where all assets, debts and liabilities are co-mingled or made apart of the “community” as mandated by marriage law. Therefore, the requirement to split assets is the premise for the divorce.

Because of the high probability and risk of divorce, people are increasingly becoming disenchanted with marriage. Rightfully so — because if the love in a marriage ceases, all that remains is money and possessions. This is the origin of emotionally charged and expensive divorces. The person who has financially invested the most in the marriage has the most to lose in a divorce.

The pitfalls that lead people to forgo marriage are the beliefs that people:

1. Marry for money,

2. Stay married because of money issues,

3. Manipulate their spouses while married over money and possessions,

4. And last but not least, divorce for money (financial enrichment).

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous marriage tax penalties and Social Security Entitlement reductions for the married.

The Eternity Commitment returns the lifelong loving relationship to that of tradition — to the structure created for marriage by various religions thousands of years ago, and before the introduction of marriage laws of the early 1900s. With an Eternity Commitment the spiritual and ceremonial aspects of marriage are preserved where the celebration of your commitment may be blessed by a spiritual leader and vows expressed in a ceremony similar to a wedding. There is also an Eternity ring to visually and personally express your commitment.

Many people have questioned the institution of marriage, and rightly so. What you get today with marriage is not what religions historically created for lifelong relationships. However, today most people marry based on the traditional structure and beliefs about marriage. They soon learn tradition is not present-day reality. Marriage laws have superseded the faith-based structure and commitment of marriage.

Financial losses from divorce can be enormous and devastating, especially for the wealthy. Paul McCartney is facing the prospect of paying $400 million dollars to Heather Mills for a failed short term marriage. This is outrageous! Similar divorces occur in America. With most areas of asset protection there are loss insurance and corporate structures to protect individuals. No insurance companies protect individuals from divorce losses. The Eternity Commitment has a financial structure to provide this protection.

The alternative form of a lifelong commitment termed the “Eternity Commitment” defines the structure to eliminate the financial implications and dysfunctional behaviors of marriage/divorce. It focuses on the original premise of a lifetime relationship to be one of love and commitment.

The desire for people to marry will continue to decline and marriage will continue to be in crisis in America as long as state family laws have incentives for divorce and self-serving and immoral spousal behavior. Divorce must stop penalizing the spouse who has invested the most in the marriage. In addition, the marriage penalty tax still remains in many aspects of federal and state tax law and must be eliminated for people to desire marriage. Social Security entitlements should not be reduced for retirees who marry.

In America we enjoy many freedoms. The freedom to design our own financial structure for our lifelong loving relationship is one such freedom. The book Eternity Commitment shows you how to do this and how to avoid the pitfalls inherent with the state-mandated financial structure of marriage. The Eternity Commitment is the relationship structure where you never get divorced! The book contains a FREE Eternity Commitment Companionship Agreement which is a $500 value if you hired an attorney to write this for you. This document outlines the understanding and provides a self-defined financial structure for your lifelong relationship.

For more information and to order the book, “Eternity Commitment” go to:

www.eternitycommitment.com [http://www.eternitycommitment.com] Or to order call 888-280-7715. Learn the 50 reasons to have an Eternity Commitment instead of marriage. The book is 172 pages containing many divorce stories, an Eternity Commitment Agreement, a list of behavior to expect if your spouse is planning divorce. Protect your ass… at least your assets from divorce.