Loss and change are conditions of existence. They begin at birth with the massive change of leaving the cozy womb to be thrust into the physical world, and they end with the final change: death. In between, many little deaths and many big deaths take place that are stressful and demanding to survivors and call for the establishment of new routines, the development of new coping skills, and often new roles.
Regrettably, we have to learn how to manage our losses through experience because we are a death denying culture and there are few, if any, schools that teach that life involves many loss experiences or how we should cope with them when they occur. Nevertheless, no one is immune from the condition of having something taken away that is cherished.
So what do we learn from experiencing loss? If we are lucky, we are told by those who have been through many changes and much grief that it is alright to express emotion, that crying is good for the soul as well as the body, and time heals all wounds. However, time only heals when you work at healing your inner turmoil minute by minute and hour by hour. It isn’t an automatic process of simply waiting it out.
Interestingly, no one ever tells us to expect and trust mystery and the unseen to intervene. And yet, many things happen unexpectedly that ease the pain of loss. Here are some common examples.
● You intuitively sense the presence of your deceased loved one.
● A rainbow occurs on a dark day with a message of hope.
● A phone call comes from an old friend at your darkest hour.
●You hear a song whose lyrics spark an idea on dealing with your loss.
● From out of nowhere a thought pops into your mind providing great comfort and the realization that your loved one is in a good place.
● You’re alone driving on the freeway and ask for a sign that your loved one is okay on the other side, and a car passes you, pulls ahead, turns into your lane with a vanity license plate that reads BELIEVE.
● You continue to find pennies in odd places inside and outside of your home.
The list can go on and on.
The point: mystery in the form of unexpected help is always out there. Look for–be sure to ask for–positive signs even as you use tried and tested strategies for coping with the death of a loved one. They will show up. I tell every bereaved person that there is nothing wrong with praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. And there is nothing wrong in asking for their help. Also, don’t be fearful about joining a support group (it is not a sign of weakness) and/or coming to the realization that the death of a loved one means starting a new life.
Regardless of your belief system, unexpected signs always come if you are open to them. As a man in one of my support groups put it, “Believe that your loved one knows what you are going through.” And that belief will open you to the inexplicable and the wisdom it possesses. The key is positive expectation.
These signs and messages suggest that there is a power greater than the self seeking to help, that you are not alone, and that you will get through this difficult time. Refuse to cling to and have faith in beliefs that interfere with healing and accepting inevitable change (like this shouldn’t have happened to me or I can’t ever be joyful again). Pain is always a teacher, a sign to take a new road in life and sometimes to dump old beliefs that were hoisted on us by well-meaning adults in our younger years.
There is an unchartable order in the universe, often ignored, that comes through to stimulate the acceptance of loss and the changes it imposes. Allow mystery and the unseen to become another resource for coping with your loss. Expect your share of insights. Death never has the final word.
