When you are not filled with projections of how things should or could be, not filled with thoughts of the past or the future, then you wind up occupying the present. This act of being present brings many marvels with it. It leads to new and exciting experiences. It imbues shared experiences with a quality of creativity and co-creativity. Presence is a matter of the degree to which you are focused on the events in front of you. Being present is responding to what is actually happening, rather than reacting according to your previous experiences or future concerns. When in presence, you are not busy trying to create a specific future outcome.
Being present is not always the most desirable state. Sometimes the future needs attention, too, so you try to control the world in order to make your imagined future come to pass. There are times when that is appropriate, but often it’s like ordering the next meal while you’re eating the current one.
Being fully present in a relationship has a transformative effect. By giving full attention to what is present, you can see your partner more clearly, and hear more clearly what they are saying. By relinquishing the need to control the future, you also by definition give up attempts to control the other person. By not being concerned with the past or the future, a huge pool of possible conflicts is defused. “You didn’t call me” or “I want a white wedding” vanish. Almost always, dealing with the present is the way to go. Mentally screaming “No, I don’t want that spilt milk in my life” doesn’t help. You’ll have to mop it up at some time before you can move on.
One impediment to being fully present is when there are aspects of your partner that bug you. The first step in dealing with this is with language. By speaking in the present tense, the focus remains on what is present, rather than inviting conflict about the past or the future. Also, speak from the “I”, not from the “you.” Say “I feel embarrassed when you complain about the service”, rather than “You shouldn’t talk to the waiter like that.” The statement “I feel… ” is personal, and is about the present; “You should… ” is an attempt to control the other person. By removing criticism from the conversation, you make space for more openness and honesty from your partner, and by expressing your feelings, you create a situation where your partner may change as a result of his or her knowledge of your reactions.
The second step is to look at your own reactions. Do they arise from force of habit: “I’ve always put the cutlery handles down in the dishwasher.” What is the source of your irritation? Many times it is simply an assumption of how things ought to be. Sometimes it is an issue like honesty, financial behavior or the desire to have children that is so basic to who you are that no acceptance is possible. But if it’s not a deal breaker, look hard inside your self at your reaction and what is behind it. In the end, you can’t change your partner; you can only change your self.
Another aspect of being present is the experience of newness that it brings. Nothing is ever the same, and it is very mysterious and counter-intuitive. You would think that settling in for a movie or walking around the park would become drab through familiarity. However, they don’t. They are intrinsically different – there is no Groundhog Day. Another way to put this is that when you are not constrained by your past, it gives you an extraordinary sense of potential and growth. Change is not suppressed in favor of what has been, nor rejected in fear of what might happen. The result is a sense that you always have more to do and more to explore.
Practicing presence adds great richness to your life; problems fall away, and you experience a wonderful sense of joy. The power of this practice within a relationship has no limits.
