In 1931, Douglas Bader, a brilliant 21 year old pilot officer in the RAF, was chosen as one of the elite pilots to perform at the famous Hendon air display. Though often in breach of regulations for flying too close to the ground, he was an exceptional aerobatic pilot, but on 14 December that year his luck ran out.

While visiting Woodley Aerodrome, near Reading, he was invited by fellow pilots to give a repeat performance of his Hendon aerobatics, and the temptation was too great to resist. At just a few feet above the grass airfield Douglas Bader attempted to slow roll his Bulldog biplane; his left wingtip brushed the ground and at 125mph he crashed into the ground losing both legs in the accident.

After months in hospital he was fitted with two tin legs and discharged from the service with 100% disability, his career apparently in ruins.

A lesser mortal would have hung up his flying helmet there and then, but not Douglas Bader. As soon as war broke out with Germany he badgered his way back into the RAF, convinced the Air Ministry doctors, bureaucrats, and flying instructors he could fly as well as anyone with two good legs, regained his wings, and at the beginning of 1940 was posted to 19 Squadron at RAF Duxford, equipped with Mark I Spitfires. In June of that year he was given command of 242 Squadron which, flying Hurricanes, he led with great distinction throughout the Battle of Britain.

In March 1941 Douglas Bader was given the new post of Wing Commander Flying at Tangmere on the south coast. Equipped with Spitfires, Bader led the wing when, for the first time since the outbreak of war, the RAF were able to take the fight across the Channel to the enemy. Having been flying operationally without rest for 18 months – he had rejected the offer of a break – on 9 August 1941 Bader’s luck again ran out.

In a large dog-fight over Bethune in northern France he became detached from the squadron, engaged by Messerschmitt fighters of Adolf Galland’s JG-26 wing, and in the ensuing battle collided with one of them, losing the entire tail section of his Spitfire. He had no option but to bale out and was taken prisoner.

A constant thorn in the side of his captors, Douglas Bader was eventually incarcerated inside the infamous Colditz prison camp where he remained till the end of the war.

Returning to the UK after his release, Bader joined the Shell Company in 1946 as a special envoy, continuing to fly himself and senior company personnel all over the globe in the company aircraft. Upon his retirement in 1964 Shell presented him with the aircraft “so as to preserve his customary mobility”.

Throughout all his peacetime years Douglas Bader never ceased to be an inspiration to others who had lost limbs or were disabled in some way. He seized every opportunity to encourage others to approach disability with the same determination that made him one of the great fighter leaders of WWII, and his infectious exuberance, energy and indomitable spirit changed forever the many people whose lives he touched.

Douglas Bader was Knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 1976 for his commitment and inspirational work for the disabled.

Over the years, I never needed to deal with death very much in my family child care home. Grandparents would die but many lived far away, so the loss was not so profound to the children in my group, who were ages 6 months to 6 years. Once a 3 year old handed me a dead bug. Not really knowing what to say, I just said, “Maybe he’s asleep.” The little boy looked up at me with only the seriousness a 3 year old can muster and said, “No, Lynnie, he’s dead.” It was then that I realized that children do know about death but we must help them deal with this natural process.

My adult nephew, Chris, had Muscular Dystrophy and he lived with me for many years. He became a very important part of my daycare children’s lives. He would give them rides on his wheelchair, read to them, play his music for them to dance to and sneak candy to them when I wasn’t looking! Many of the parents said they chose my program partly because they liked the fact that their child would have a relationship with a person with a disability. One mother told me that her family was at an amusement park one day and someone, using a wheelchair, passed by. Most of the children ran away from this man but her little boy ran up to him and said, “Hi! You have a wheelchair just like my friend, Chris”

Chris became ill and he died suddenly, in his sleep, one Saturday morning. I called all the parents and told them that Chris had died. I closed my daycare on Monday so I could make funeral arrangements. It was only then that I realized I’d have to help the children understand this death while I was handling my own grief.

I reopened my daycare on Tuesday, although many of my friends said I should take the week off to grieve. I just felt it would help all of us to be together sooner. Tuesday morning, I sat in our playroom and told the children that Chris died and he would not come back. Then we went into Chris’ empty bedroom, sat on the floor and talked about him some more. They kept asking where he was and I just said he died and he isn’t coming back but we can remember him in many ways. I played some of his favorite music and they danced to it. Together we read a few of the books that he had read to them. I even gave them some candy from his secret candy drawer! They sat on his bed and in his wheelchair. They used to sit in his empty wheelchair when he was in bed but never moved in it unless Chris moved around with them. The moving wheelchair was an extension of Chris’ body. I thought about how to make the change seem real so I began to push them around the house in his chair. They had never done that before so it was a signal that things were different now. I also put some of his shirts and hats in the dress up area and placed a picture of him among their pictures on our wall. We also read several picture books about death during that time. The older children dictated stories and drew pictures of Chris. The families were invited to Chris’ memorial gathering and the children wrote messages to Chris, tied them to balloons and released them.

The younger children didn’t understand the loss; however, they did, however sense that something was different and that I was grieving. One day, a one year old who was not usually very cuddly, threw himself into my lap and hugged me as I sat on the floor missing Chris. He seemed to know that I needed that hug. One six-year-old said matter-of-factly, “I guess we won’t be seeing Chris here anymore. Who’s gonna take his place?” as he noted how the loss would affect us all. My 3-year-old niece, Chris’ cousin and Goddaughter, asked why I was teary-eyed one day. I said I was sad and that I missed Chris. She said, “I do too! I wish he would come back.” All I could say was “I do too!”

Here are some ideas to help with this very emotional, human experience.

o Be honest and use words such as “died” not “went to sleep.” Children are very literal and they may fear going to sleep because they may also die. Answer their question honestly according to their age and stage of development.

o Admit your feelings of grief. It lets them know that grief is normal and that adults understand how they are feeling.

o Talk about the loved one to keep the memory alive for them. Put up pictures, tell stories and look at picture albums. The love and memories never do go away, nor should they.

o Try to keep routines as consistent as possible.

o Some children will regress during this time and care and understanding will help.

Children of different ages and stages understand death in different ways and need special considerations.

Infants to two year olds. They really do not have a concept of death but they feel a profound loss upon the death of a parent. They can sense feelings of grief in others and react to changes in routine and caregivers. Consistent routines and loving caregivers will help ease anxiety.

Two to six year olds. Children between the ages of two and six do not understand that death is final. They think death is something temporary or reversible. Many children this age don’t seem affected by the death of a loved one because they actually believe that the person will return. They may feel that they did something to cause the death. It’s important for parents to ask questions to determine feelings of responsibility and then to reassure the children that this is not true.

Six to nine year olds. Around the age of six, most children begin to understand that death is final, though this understanding is not complete. They may see death as something that happens only to old people or other people. Children may not be able to accept the fact that death happens to everyone.

Nine to twelve year olds. Some children in this age group may still feel responsible for the death. Their understanding is increasing and children in this age range can probably handle most of the information if given carefully.

Teens. By the time children reach the teenage years, they probably understand death as well as an adult. Even though they have this understanding, they still need lots of support from parents and loved ones.

Books for Young Children and Parents about Death and Dying

o The Dead Bird – Margaret Wise Brown

o The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. LeoBuscaglia

o Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs. Tomie de Paola

o My Grandpa Died Today. Joan Fassler

o The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Judith Viorst

o Lip Lap’s Wish. Jonathan London & Sylvia Long

o Badger’s Parting Gift. Susan Varley

o Love You Forever. Robert Munsch

o I Miss You: A First Look At Death Pat Thomas

o When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) Laurie Krasny Brown, Marc Brown

o 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child (Guidebook Series) by Dougy Center for Grieving Children

o Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman

o Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) by Michaelene Mundy

o What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? by Trevor Romain

o After Charlotte’s Mom Died (Hardcover) by Cornelia Spelman, Judith Friedman

Can fear and faith live alongside each other in the one person? Whatever made you ask that question? Well, there is a lot of fear out there just now and may just be increasing as this serious financial crisis continues and as the political disturbances and bloody global conflicts appear to be increasing at an alarming rate.

Yes, fear and faith are both very real and it is possible to experience both simultaneously.

Consider these men of faith in New Testament times. When Paul came to Corinth he experienced weakness, fear and much trembling, and his faith was strong. His preaching was not an exhibition of oratorical wisdom, nor persuasive words, but the power of God flowed through him, and many lives were touched and influenced.

What might a man do when he senses fear? He can face it and get on with what God wants him to do, or he can compromise, stay silent, retreat, and run away.

If fear is not conquered it could squash faith.

King David knew what it was to fear, and he ran, but he did not run away. He ran into the safety and security of the arms of God.

This was the source of Paul’s confidence too. This is why he was able to speak with such courage and boldness. He knew Jesus Christ was with him, and he knew that anointing presence of the Holy Spirit, which can inspire a man to take what might be regarded as risks.

Taking your eyes off God, and looking at the situation you are in, can open the door to overwhelming fear.

When Nehemiah was at the height of his project, rebuilding and restoring the walls of Jerusalem, his enemies tried to frighten him so that the work could be stopped.

Nehemiah turned to God in prayer and was able to make wise practical decisions. Jeremiah knew that combination of fear and faith too and he was unashamed to write about it in his prophetic book.

In fact, it would be difficult to write about any spiritual leader who did not know something of that trembling and fear alongside a real live vibrant faith in Jesus Christ. If a man told me that he had no fear and no sense of apprehension I would be prepared to question and challenge such an assertion.

Having been over forty years in the front line ministry in the Church of Jesus Christ I can certainly say that these degrees of fear and apprehension have never left me. A wise mentor told me almost fifty years ago that when these emotions and feelings go and leave you it may be time for you to leave that field of service and ministry. When we think we can do it in our own strength, using only our own gifts and abilities and talents, it may just be the moment to consider one’s realistic position.

One healthy fear is the thought of letting God down, or wasting your life, when you know you could have served more obediently. The fear of God is much neglected and overlooked, but it is the beginning of wisdom. The fear of God may not make you clever but it will enable you to become wise.

That is where fear and faith are assets, and we need every asset available to us in these present days.

Sandy Shaw

For more than 60 years, Anna Maria Island has been a star. The island’s spectacular white sand and turquoise waters have frequently been used by Hollywood movie producers to create the ideal beach scenes. Some of the biggest icons in Hollywood have graced the beaches of AMI, however it’s easy to see the island is the real star.

AMI is a 7.5 mile island located directly south of Tampa Bay on the Gulf of Mexico. The island does not permit high-rise resorts, which keeps the beaches much less crowded. Majestic sunsets, high-quality quartz sand and low predictable Gulf waves make the Island and its surrounding waters a perfect choice for filming.

Here are a few of the films shot on Anna Maria Island that you might have seen or heard of:

• On An Island With You: Anna Maria Island’s first appearance on the big screen was in the 1948 MGM Studios musical “On an Island With You.” The film cast Hollywood legend Esther Williams as the lead in one her infamous swimsicals, films that combined her stellar acting, singing and swimming. The film also included icon Jimmy Durante. The plot of the movie centers around a love triangle on a military base in the Hawaiian Islands. AMI, seamlessly pulls off its part as an exotic island destination in the film, just as it continues to do every day in real life.
• Out Of Time: One word… Denzel. Ladies, feel free to being swooning. That’s right Denzel Washington ran the beaches of Anna Maria Island while filming the 2003 MGM film “Out of Time.” Floribbean restaurant Banana Cabana proudly promotes that they were host to Denzel’s thank you dinner for the “Out of Time” crew members.
• The Perfect Storm: If Denzel isn’t a big enough heartthrob for you, how about George Clooney or Mark Walberg? The 2000 Warner Brothers picture The Perfect Storm was partially filmed on off the coast of Anna Maria Island. Producers used the predictably smooth Gulf Coast waters to capture the calm before the storm.

You don’t need to be a movie producer to capture the beauty of AMI. The greatest films shot on the island will always be home movies. Although it’s nice to see AMI on the silver screen, the culture of the island has never been about the limelight. It’s about families and friends enjoying one of the world’s most magnificent beach settings in a quiet, relaxed environment. So be sure to bring your camera.

EFT which stands for emotional freedom technique was originally perfected by Gary Craig, a Stanford trained engineer and personal coach. Emotional freedom technique is a simplified version of using Thought Field Therapy, discovered by Dr. Callahan. The ultimate goal of the therapy or EFT is to reduce negative emotional energy in the body and release the potential an individual has to improve or succeed in their work, family or health.

Researchers have discovered that many of the chronic illnesses that we suffer from each day are a secondary problem of increased stress and anxiety. EFT is one method of reducing or eliminating that stress and thereby improving your health, the ability of your body to self-heal, improving your self-esteem and your ability to achieve success.

When most people ask how EFT works it is because they are skeptical, are curious or because they have had a positive experience and want to tell others how it happened.

The areas of the body over which the EFT process works are meridian points long used by Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners for centuries. The concept moved from acupressure to Thought Field Therapy and evolved to a more simplistic and non-invasive technique of tapping over these points.

Interesting these tapping points are those which we automatically reach for when we are stressed or anxious. Do you remember the last time you were stressed and rubbed your eyes, ran your fingers through hair, ran your fingers over your neck or rubbed your temples? Each of these points is extremely close to, or directly over, one of the tapping points used in Emotional Freedom Technique.

The theory is that the tapping releases blocks of energy or interrupts negative energy pathways that were established long ago in your personal history. The issue that has kept EFT from reaching a phenomenal growth rate or acceptance into mainstream medicine is that there is no real explanation of HOW it really works – only that it does work and how it MIGHT work.

Consider how you feel when you face a fear you have. It may be a fear of heights, flying, escalators, clowns or doctors. You can truly feel the fear rising in your body and taking over. You know that the fear is most likely irrational – unless of course you are feeling fear and there is a bear directly in front of you – then it’s not irrational! The fear and anxiety triggers hormonal release that enables you to flee the scene or fight your attacker. But when this fear is irrational and your body has no outlet for the release of hormones, then you begin to develop physical symptoms, such as insomnia, anxiety attacks and indigestion.

This fear you feel is based on cellular memory that is buried deep in your body. It can’t be eradicated by simply telling yourself that the fear isn’t rational. You must somehow break the energy pathway in the body that triggers the hormone release and the intensity level of fear or anxiety.

That is where Emotional Freedom Techniques work. By tapping on the meridian points that are pathways for anxiety and fear in the body, you break the pattern and reduce the stress. As the stress is reduced the individual is able to perform at a higher level and improve their health.

The truly interesting piece of the puzzle is that you don’t have to believe in EFT for it to work, it is free, requires no equipment, is easy to learn and has no side effects. All in all, it is a small modern miracle that improves the way that each of us are able to achieve our goals and satisfy our needs.

Hemorrhoids Alternative Treatment:

More and more people are exploring for alternative home treatment for hemorrhoids

People nowadays have grown averse to modern medicines and the kind of surgeries that doctors wish to experiment upon them without any real cure. What medicines does is simply suppress the symptoms, especially the pain associated with thrombosed external hemorrhoids, so that people by and large can get on with their daily routine as long as the effect of the medicine lasts.

Medicines can at best provide some relief from the discomfort and can even stop the bleeding for sometime, but that does not really mean that the patients are able to get rid of the menace of hemorrhoids altogether. This is because by simply treating the symptoms you cannot stop the real cause that keeps triggering those piles now and again.

To best address the real cause behind the frequent reappearance of hemorrhoids, is to nip in the bud the very cause. To do that one needs to approach the problem from a holistic point of view. That means the overall health of the person, his or her lifestyle and routine, food habits and many more. For this natural hemorrhoid treatment is the best bet for a safe and fast cure.

Before setting out in our quest for a natural panacea for hemroid cures, we need to understand what exactly are hemorrhoids and what are the main factors responsible for causing them.

Factors that Cause Hemorrhoids

Hemorrhoids occur when the surrounding tissues and varicose like veins running alongside the walls of the lower rectum and the anus get distended from increased pressure within, caused by frequent stress and strain that they are subjected to.

The straining could be because of forced bowel movement to excrete hardened and stubborn stools that find difficulty in wriggling its way out through the anal canal, as it happens during acute constipation.

This results in the veins to swell and expand that makes them acutely painful to bear. The other factors may include during pregnancy and thereafter childbirth. This is when there is increased volume of blood and hormonal changes, that cause the veins to expand and burst wherever the inner walls of the blood vessels fail to withstand the built up pressure from within. Also the foetus sits upon the veins and tissues that adds to the compression in the anal region.

The other factors is also when a person, because of his occupation have to lift heavy loads and each time he does it, he has to hold his breath very tight to tighten his abdominal muscles for the extra thrust for the lift. This again cause the veins to bulge because of extra rush of blood, to compensate for the deficiency in the oxygen level that the muscles crave for.

Hemorrhoids can also occur when a person has to sit for long hours at a stretch because of his or her sedentary nature of work, with very few breaks in between to walk around.

The other possible reasons could be because of too much of diarrhea, anal infection or cirrhosis of the liver.

Home Treatment of Hemorrhoids with Natural Ingredients

So if we can reverse some of the above factors that trigger hemorrhoids we can possibly take control of those problem that are responsible for the hemorrhoids to occur quite frequently.

This means we have to keep the stools soft for easy movement through the rectum. For this we have to drink plenty of water, at least eight glasses in a day and also include high fiber in our diet. High fiber is found in whole grains, legumes, leafy green vegetable, raw fruits. Fiber helps to retain water and keep the stool moistened.

It’s best to avoid sitting too long at one position. Keep shifting your bottom to stop compressing the underlying tissues and veins. Take frequent breaks to move around, to increase blood circulation and improve blood flow in the anal region. Where its next to impossible to get off from your desk, try to sit on something soft and cushy such as a pillow or may be on a dough like cushion having a hole in the middle.

Do not spend too long in the loo.

Do not try too hard to defecate and when doing so do not hold your breath. It’s important to remember. Try to defecate in a squat or semi squat position, to allow gravity to pull down the stools through the rectum.

Keep yourself physically active. Do plenty of exercise including walking long strides that improves blood circulation.

Avoid citrus juice, aerated soft drinks, soda beverages, wines and alcohol that increases the acid ph level.

Never try to lift heavy objects and if it’s absolutely necessary do so by inhaling lot of air and exhaling slowly through the nostril while you squeeze your abdominal muscles as you lift a heavy object slowly but steadily, without any jerky movement.

Apply ice cubes in the affected area after ten minutes or so, as this will provide some relief from pain.

Warm baths help to improve circulation of the blood.

Sitz bath helps to relieve pain and improve blood flow in the anal region.

Psyllium seeds taken along with a glass of water supplements you with fiber

Horse Chestnuts (Aesculus Hippocastanum) have natural anti-inflammatory and astringent properties. It helps to tone the veins.

Witch Hazel (Hammamelis viriniana) liquid too has natural astringent that reduces swelling and inflammation. Apply on the protruding portion of the anus, dipped in cotton.

Butcher’s Broom (Ruscus Aculeatus) is used to treat varicose veins and hemorrhoids.

Aloe Vera too helps to reduce bleeding and pain when applied directly in the affected portion.

Cranberry Juice is good for internal hemorrhoids treatment. It improves easy bowel movement and prevents constipation.

Gingko Biloba supplements helps to improve blood circulation to portions affected by piles. This speeds up the healing process.

Herbal Hemorrhoid Remedy at Home

There are several herbs that are highly effective in not only providing relief from the acute pain and bleeding associated with hemorrhoids but also help to get rid of the real cause behind those awful piles. However not the same herbal treatment can be applicable to all the persons. This is because each person have their own body and health system quite different from others. Each person has to be approached properly for proper assessment before prescribing the kind of herbal remedy that is best suited for the person for a fast and safe cure naturally.

Herbals are not just confined to the native flora available but also to those of Chinese and Indian too, that has for centuries have successfully treated millions of people. In fact not all herbal practitioners are aware of such treatments themselves. However that does not restricts the common person from having access to such vital information.

One of the most valuable lessons to be learned when playing with go karts is engine repair. Also, like any big problem to solve, some of the engine problems can be very elusive and frustrating. I had this engine that just would not run right. It would run, but not fast, and it was very frustrating.

What would occur is that the engine would start and run just fine, but when the throttle was opened up the engine would just back fire through the carburetor, out the exhaust, blow black smoke and just would not get past really anything but idle. You can imagine my frustration. I have this elaborate strait tube intake (which really is a high rise manifold) and this oversize carburetor mounted to this 4 horsepower Briggs.

I had that engine torn down probably twice. Removed the head, checked the valve clearances, tore apart the carburetor, added more sealant to the intake runner and the carburetor interface…all to NO avail. The engine still ran like junk. Having just exhausted all remedies, I took off the engine and tore it apart completely looking for the elusive problem.

And after I tore it apart I had to laugh, and be educated. The points on the engine had a spring that keeps the points coming back into position. Trouble was, the spring was on sloppy, and allowed the points to literally float as the rpms increased. So what occurred was the engine was literally losing spark at the higher rpms. The floating points acted like a governor. Old “his and pop” engines actually use this method for slowing their engines down. Instead of playing with the throttle, they play with the ignition to slow the engine down.

Once the engine was reassembled the engine ran full throttle no problem. Understanding the reasons why engines behave the way they do is very important in diagnosing the problem. One of the elusive things about this problem though is the assumption that the points are fine, that the spark is consistent. The trouble shooting motto is question everything and exhaust it at the least cost.

A twelve-week training a few years ago ran me into something funny. In that choir, like many others this part of the world, there was a craze for titles rather than a care for essence. Have you ever seen a choir with a choirmaster who is different from a choir leader who is not the same person as the choir coordinator who again is separate from the choir director who holds a different office from the music director? Of course, there was no choir in a sense; otherwise my services would not have been required. Yet they had many other titles: secretary, treasurer, financial secretary, assistant this, assistant that, and so on.

Now, you and I know that you don’t need to have all that to run an effective choir. And if you must have so many offices where the choir is large, why don’t you rather have functional music offices? What did I do? Exactly that! I dissolved all their offices, chose one of the few dedicated choristers as secretary to assist me with paper work, and I directed the music.

Till now, when I look back, I still wonder why practically everyone should have a title and almost all do nothing. There were even truants who had big titles. They ran back when they heard about what we were doing. Some of them couldn’t fit in for long. Others couldn’t fit in at all.

The success or failure of a choir, I need not say, rests with its leader. It depends on how much he understands and effects the subsets of choir management: passion, knowledge and discipline.

Tractors are the workhorses of modern agriculture and for good reason — they’re powerful, versatile and durable. The heart and soul of these legendary machines is of course the engine, and over time designers have replaced the unpredictable and dangerous steam engines with internal combustion engines that are far more powerful, efficient and reliable. But how do they work? Read on to find out!

Brief History of Tractor Engines

When tractors were first developed, they used enormous steam engines that were notoriously unreliable and difficult to maintain. These were phased out around the turn of the 20th century and replaced with internal combustion engines that were more compact yet still powerful and ran on a variety of fuels including kerosene, ethanol and gasoline. By the 1960s many of these engines were phased out in favor of more efficient internal combustion engines that ran on diesel and today, biodiesel.

How Tractor Engines Work

Diesel engines have become the predominant power behind modern tractors because they have the highest thermal efficiency of any internal or external combustion engine, thanks to their extremely high compression ratio. Unlike gasoline engines, the diesel engines in tractors use highly compressed hot air to ignite the fuel rather than spark plugs.

Once air is pulled into the combustion chamber, it is compressed to 580 pounds per square inch (PSI), which heats the air to a temperature of 1022 ËšF (550ËšC). At this point, fuel is injected into the combustion chamber using an injector that disperses the tiny droplets of fuel evenly throughout the chamber. These tiny droplets of diesel fuel then vaporize when they come in contact with the hot, compressed air, which causes a rapid expansion of combustion gases that drive the engine’s pistons downward, creating power that turns the crankshaft of the tractor.

Where the Power Goes

Tractor engines generate an enormous amount of power – anywhere from 18 to 575 horsepower or more. But that power does a lot more than simply move the tractor’s wheels. One of the reasons why tractor sales continue to climb around the world is that these machines are so versatile, thanks to their ability to transfer the power from their massive engines. This power can be harnessed to operate stationary equipment using PTO or power take off systems and it can even be used to supply hydraulic fluid and electric power to tractor attachments that are pulled behind or alongside the tractor like mowers, swathers, balers and plows.

I’m an old guy — thirty-five, even! — but periodically, I go through one of those ‘second childhood’ phases. I think I’m on my eighth or ninth by now; it’s hard to keep track.

The latest phase involved trying out the music that the young whippersnappers are listening to these days. A few songs in, I found an intriguing trend — calling people out with food-related nicknames.

A case in point is this song: ‘Finding Out True Love Is Blind’, by Louis XIV. In this one, the singer saves his gastronomical metaphors for the ladies. For instance, the song begins with:

‘Ah, chocolate girl…‘

We’re also treated to a couple of renditions of:

‘Hey, carrot juice…‘

See? ‘Carrot juice’ is a metaphor, cleverly referring to a redhead. And ‘chocolate girl’ means a black girl, probably. She’s even got a ‘vanilla friend, later in the verse’; maybe that one is white. Or blonde. Or albino — and what’s hotter than that? I ask you.

Either that, or this guy is picking up chicks in a cafeteria. How the hell should I know? I’m too old to be interpreting any of this crazy new music nonsense.

On the other hand, I do like to keep up with the hot new trends. And if this is how the kiddies are talking now, then I’m down. So, I bopped into work today to try out a phew phat phood-related greetings of my own. The phirst — I mean, first — person I ran into was the receptionist. Perfect.

Me: ‘Hey, Picklesocks!’

Her: ‘Hi, Cha– what did you just call me?’

Me: ‘Um… nothing. Never mind.’

Okay — rough start. Hey, I’m new at all this jive talking. I’ll get the hang of it. Next, I ran into my officemate.

Me: ”Sup, Yogurtnose?’

Him: ‘Excuse me?’

Me: ‘I said, uh… good morning. That’s all.’

Him: ‘You’re a dork. You know that, right?’

So — oh for two. Good thing the guys from the office down the hall walked by soon after. Practice makes perfect, right?

Me: ‘Yo, Cheddarballs! Tacobutt!’

Them: * shaking heads and walking away *

Me: ‘What? Come on! I expect that out of you, Tacobutt. But Cheddarballs, I thought we was tight, brother!’

Dammit. Apparently, practice makes preposterous. I’ve been grossly misinformed. But I had one last chance to get it right, when my boss stopped by to say hello.

Boss: ‘Hello, Charlie.’

Me: ‘Yo, Fudgypants. What’s shaking?’

Boss: ‘Did you just call me… ‘Fudgypants’?’

Me: ‘Er… no. No, not if you’re going to take that

attitude about it. How about ‘Cabbageface’?’

Boss: ‘Cabbageface? You sure about that?’

Me: Not any more, no. Pumpkinhead? Coffeebreath? Tunadrawers? Help me out here.’

Boss: ‘Charlie, tell me — do you enjoy working here?’

Me: ‘Well, sure. Up until about thirty seconds ago, anyway.’

It was pretty much downhill from there. Old ‘Tunadrawers’ called me into his office and read me the riot act. So, I’m still employed, but the foody names are on permanent hiatus. I guess I’ll never be one of the cool kids. Fiddlenuts.