Is there such a thing as "too much" respect? I believe we can almost never show too much respect for others.

We all crave respect. It is a basic human need – one that separates us from most of the animals. Many of us take for granted the fact that we will be respected by others, simply by virtue of our position in our family, our company, our accomplishments or even our political or community position. However, this is not always the case. Respect is not always automatically given in these situations and it should never be assumed or taken for granted.

Although respect ideally flows both ways, this does not always occur, nor is it always expected. One example exists in the Japanese culture, where there are several levels of social position, with persons of high standing due (and given) respect simply owing to the position they've attained in their lives. Each level requires the use of special language when speaking to someone in a higher position than yours. The appropriate set of terms is determined by the level of the person to whom you are speaking and the size of the "gap" between your position and theirs.

My husband and I once hosted a Japanese exchange student whose family invited us to visit them during a vacation to Japan. At that time, we also planned a visit to a high priest whom we had met several weeks earlier in Boston, MA. When the high priest had learned that we would visit Japan in the coming weeks, he honored us by inviting us to visit him at his temple.

Upon arriving at our student's home, we asked her to place a call to the temple to arrange for a date and time to meet the high priest, as my Japanese was not fluent enough for me to feel confident in conversing effectively on the telephone. Our student was so fearful of using the wrong words to someone in his station that she "practiced" (several times) what she wanted to say before placing the call.

This level of respect, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. A problem arises only when we forget that human compassion and recognition of the need for human dignity is present in everyone, regardless of their station in life.

I started out respecting this high priest because of his station in life. However, my level of respect for him rose immeasurably when I saw how he treated everyone around him, regardless of their position. He was the high priest of the second-oldest temple in Japan. Not many Japanese citizens rank higher than this man in his country. Yet he did not demand respect of anyone – he commanded it through his actions, demeanor and words.

Everything about him was first-class. Although it was not necessary for him to treat those in lower stations with respect, he did it anyway, earning a higher level of respect from everyone around him in more ways than he could have accomplished by simply demanding respect due to his position, without offering respect in return.

We cannot demand respect; we must command it. The very act of demanding respect actually shrinks the respect others are willing to give us, usually serving only to cause them not to want to respect us. It is implicit in the demanding of respect that we haven't yet done anything to earn it. The only thing we can reasonably request is the benefit of the doubt. Respect is then earned by proving we are worthy of the benefit of the doubt.

When was the last time you willingly did something demanded of you, especially by someone you did not respect? How did you feel about having to do it? Conversely, recall a time when something was requested of you by someone you respected – someone who had earned your respect. This is a completely different story.

How do we command respect? Here are 5 tips to accomplish this goal:

1. Offer respect to the other party first. If everyone waits for the other person to show respect first, how does it ever begin? Earn their respect by offering respect to them rather than demanding it from them.
2. Give the other person your full attention. People don't feel respected when they know they're not really being listened to, or worse, they're being placated. Maintain appropriate eye contact, limit gestures that indicate nervousness or impatience (such as finger tapping or looking around at your surroundings) and let them know you value their time and offerings as much as you value your own.
3. When you ask for help, come full circle. Many companies have suggestion boxes, but employees often feel they are "black holes" where suggestions go in, but nothing comes out as a result. Whether you implement employee suggestions or not, take the time to communicate back to them whether or not they will be implemented and the reasons why (or why not). Employee feelings of disrespect are reflected in the all-too-common statement, "They never listen to me anyway, so why bother?" Let them know you're listening by letting them know their ideas and suggestions are not falling on deaf ears.
4. Give credit when and where it's due. Another common statement that reflect a feeling of disrespect is, "My supervisor takes credit for whatever I do anyway, so I don't offer my ideas any more." By leading employees to higher levels of productivity and creativity, we can take credit for being great leaders, rather than having to take credit simply for one good idea.
5. Pre-reward the behavior you wish to encourage. Rewards do not come only in the form of compensation, but also as encouragement, praise and simply "noticing" when someone does something right. Often employees fail to act proactively because they never hear positive reinforcement to let them know they're on the right track. By rewarding (and even pre-rewarding before it's completely correct) the behavior you wish to see, you let them know they're on the right track, encouraging more of the same.

Whether you are leading a company toward higher success, volunteering on a Board where members must be motivated toward a common goal, or even leading your family to be more productive, compassionate and caring members of society, bear in mind that effective leaders don't demand respect – they command it.