It is so fashionable in therapy to focus on what goes wrong. We continue to do this despite the fact that research tells us that the strongest marriages are forged by concentrating on what goes right.
The harder you work at celebrating your marriage and one another, the stronger your marriage. Now let’s see, what’s more fun… fighting or celebrating. (And if you answered fighting, there’s work to be done. Drama is not relationship, even though we are easily seduced into thinking it is. A couple quick sessions with a counselor can help you change that.)
Celebrate accomplishing your goals. When the two of you do something wonderful together, celebrate. If one of you has successes small or large, celebrate. Why not plan a celebratory dinner every week. Make it a rule you can’t talk about anything but your successes and your plans for success. This isn’t as easy as you think. At the beginning, you may need to make some rules:
- Get the problems out of the way early. If you’ve got problems to discuss, you may need a business meeting. Find a way to discuss the issues that keeps them low impact. Don’t have this meeting the day of your celebration dinner.
- Divide up the time between marriage and the two individuals. If you have to keep a clock, keep it. You’ll soon find the rhythm.
- Focus on what went right and what you accomplished. Tell one another what you saw them do that was memorable and successful. Start the habit of success and compliments for success.
- Don’t plan work or chores for after the conversation. Make this a holiday (remember the Sabbath?) for your relationship. Yes, you do have one evening a week. No one’s that important.
- Do plan for lovemaking. Here’s the thing lovemaking is a habit, and one that’s very easy to get out of. So, change the sheets, vacuum the bedroom and get out the candles. (reminder, setting the scene is not the responsibility of any one gender.) Take a quick shower and go to bed. Early. Go to sleep whenever!
Marriages take work. You need to develop processes that will help you deal with the obstacles. But you also want to celebrate the successes you accumulate. You want to keep your curiosity about one another lively. You want to know your marriage as a precious thing. You want start developing traditions that bind your hearts together. This will help a marriage, big time!
The more you focus on your success, the more successful you’ll be. You’re going to talk about your happiness and your success at your wedding ceremony and your reception. Why not commit to it in your wedding vows? Honesty is completely mandatory in this, but this process will get you the marriage you want to live into. And no one deserves that more than you!
