“First Seek To Understand, Then To be Understood ”

This chapter holds a special place in my heart because without a doubt it has been the one habit that challenges me the most.

I cannot remember how many times I have been planning a comeback during a conversation forgetting what effective communication really means.

Stephen Covey explains that this principle is the single most important thing that he learned in the field of interpersonal relations. A big call for someone who has learned as much as him!

There is an enormous tendency to rush in and fix things up with all good intentions and good advice but do we really understand the problem before jumping in?

I just knew there was a reason we were born with 2 ears and only the one mouth!

Effective listening will not come through purely echoing what the other person has said.

The translation has been taken through your eyes allowing for your interpretation. This is about putting yourself in the shoes of the other person.

Unfortunately as Covey points out, most people do not listen with the intent to understand.

The skill required is called Empathic Listening. They in fact listen in readiness for a reply. Their minds are awash with things to say in preparation for the reply.

Is it understanding a point of view or a race to get heard?

You will gain some terrific insight into the types of listening and no doubt most people would have heard of selective listening. (I know my kids have).

To avoid confusion, empathic listening has nothing to do with sympathy. It has everything to do with listening to another person with intent to understand.

Am I the only person that thought I was a good listener while the gentle reminders from the wife were brushed off as a figment of imagination?

There are some powerful examples expressed in this chapter and there are more than just a couple of similarities that are a little close to home.

Just imagine going to the doctors and finding out he only ever listens to half of the issue.

Would you trust the diagnosis?

As Covey so wonderfully suggests, Diagnose Before You Prescribe. Think about it for a second. Good salesmen provide solutions to problems whilst the not so good sell product regardless of the problem.

Having just forced myself to think about it, I can’t help but mention the role of the jury in court cases.

They sit there for days, weeks and months practicing the art of listening and at the end of the day, we, the society accept their prescription as justice. Need I say anymore?

One of the greatest things about this habit is that you don’t have to run away and study anything. If your principle centered values allow you, you can start straight away.

Try it. Have some fun with it. Have dinner with your significant other by candlelight with no disruptions.

Spend time with the kids with nothing on your mind other than hearing what they have to say. The experience may shock you?

Nip the problems in the bud with open, honest communication and do it often enough so that potential issues cannot fester for any length of time.

This is an incredibly powerful habit to get into.

Seek first to understand before you’re tempted to jump in with your own remedies and ideas, the difference will amaze you.