1 – The number-one fear among all people is rejection.

2 – The number-one need among all people is acceptance. Dr Phillip C McGraw

A child’s greatest fear is of being unloved and abandoned by his parents. Dr Haim G Ginott

Right! That’s it! I’m going now! Bye-bye! A million-and-one parents throughout the world when their child doesn’t want to leave the playground.

It might seem unnecessarily extreme – not to say humourless – to suggest that this last quote can be branded a threat of abandonment, after all no parent really means it. The truth is, our child does not know that, and as can be seen by the quotes from McGraw and Ginott, the latent fear of abandonment and rejection is one that it would be safer never to underestimate.

Neither in jest nor in anger should a child be warned that he will be deserted

Dr Haim Ginott, Between Parent & Child

If our child lingers in the park, the library, or the toy-shop, rather than resorting to frustrated threats, it would be better to calmly (insistently?) take them by the hand and lead (drag?) them out while we say, “I can see that you would like to stay longer. The thing is, we have to do such-and-such. You wish you could stay.”

If our child repeatedly has to come home to an empty house there are various things we could do to make the ordeal more painless. It might be good to:

• Leave a friendly note.
• Leave a recorded message.
• Call them on the phone.

It’s a tough challenge, keeping the demons of rejection at bay in children, and not one that parents are always going to succeed at. Opportunities for it spring up almost every day.

One morning last week I heard Beth coming downstairs. We play this occasional game where I crouch down behind the closed kitchen door and wait for her to open it – she feigns surprise at seeing me there, and does this mock scream. This particular morning the door was open, so when I heard the creak of the stairs I went to close the door. Beth spotted me doing it and immediately turned on her heel and retreated upstairs. I went up to find her lying on the bed in a melancholy silence. She was obviously upset.

“You came downstairs and saw me close the door,” I offered, as I sat on the bed next to her. “It’s horrible to feel like we’re not wanted.”

She nodded imperceptibly, and then moments later she perked up with a smile, “I’m alright, now.”

It might not always be that easy, but with a little bit of thought – and a determination to take the sleeping fear of abandonment seriously – parents can do a lot to shield their children from anxieties about rejection.

Dating is difficult enough as it is, whether you are single or single with children. Yet for single parents is it so much more stressful, since it is not just about you anymore, but you now must consider the welfare of your child or children.

The first thing about single parents and dating is the need to be realistic. A single person with no kids has a bigger playground to play in, so to speak. A playground to a single parent is a lot smaller with a lot less toys to choose from. A lot of people have made the choice of not having any children of their own. Whatever their reasons, it is a choice that is very personal. So, as a single parent you have to be more selective in who you date because they may very well be in your child’s life too one day. Therefore, if it is online dating where you are looking for your future partner, when completing your profile, answer truthfully and state the number of children you have, this way the person viewing your profile will have the option of wanting to meet you, or not.

Single parents usually look for other single parents to date. You, yourself have to be open to dating someone with children. This is also a part of reality. While you may not have thought about expanding your family, meeting someone with a child or two, might do just that. As a single parent who is dating you need to be open minded as to what is available out there. That does not mean you need to settle for someone under your expectations, or standards.

Being a single parent can be difficult depending on the age of your child or children. When you have small children who may need babysitting services when you go out, your going out times may turn out to be few and far between. Having children usually turns you neglectful of your personal needs and soon you may start feeling alone and isolated. You now don’t know where to begin when you are ready to date. As a single parent you may often have serious doubts as to whether someone will wish to date you when they learn you have a child or children.

Although the home situation is very important, a person who will date a single parent needs to focus on the person they are dating rather than on the home situation. The domestic situation is, of course, important, but it is not who that person is.

Co-parenting isn’t easy. It’s actually quite a chore. When neither parent is willing to negotiate or communicate, the child has the job of transitioning from one parenting style to the other. As a parent educator and family therapist, I have seen many anxious and confused children affected by their parents’ inconsistent rules and styles. Sometimes children do this under the same roof and sometimes under two, but the bottom line is that it is the parents’ responsibility to create a balance.

Parenting skills vary much like personalities. The differences can be as subtle as the setting of bedtimes to as serious as choosing consequences for bad behavior. The bottom line is adults have a number of motivations for parenting. For instance, they might try to do better than their parents. Thus, we attempt to find new and effective strategies to raise good kids. These ambitions can be difficult enough. Now add the challenge of joining forces with another adult who was raised by different parents and who may be select different strategies.

So how do parents, married or divorced, stay clear and consistent, raise confident children, and feel influential as parents? They learn how to work together and become better co-parents! Here are several successful co-parenting steps.

1. Identify your personal style and motivations. Your first job in becoming a successful co-parent is to figure out your general style and motivations. If it were all up to you, how would you parent? How would you motivate your children? How would you use punishment and encouragement? What are the top 10 values you would like to teach your kids? Now ask yourself WHY? Why would your style be that way? What is your motivation? How did your parents parent you? Are you attempting to repeat their upbringing or compensate for it?
2. Share your parenting style and motivation with your co-parent. I understand that you might feel vulnerable sharing your style and motivation. Your style may be different than your spouse’s style. In order for you and your partner to co-parent successfully, you both need to appreciate and support the ideas you bring to the table. When you listen to where the other parent is coming from, it will allow you to join forces.
3. Before deciding on a parenting style and direction, consult parenting books and classes. Now that you have looked at each other’s parenting style, take a look together at good parenting books and the current research. Report back to each other and consider how your styles measure up.
4. Decide on a mutual parenting style. You now have several examples of parenting strategies and philosophies. Its time to blend what you believe with what your co-parent believes and what the experts say. This is the ultimate in negotiation but remember that if you do not negotiate at the adult level, it leaves your child to figure it out. Once you’ve decided, then write down the basics and embrace your new co-parenting style.
5. Implement your new co-parenting style. Now you parent! Both parents are on the same page. Children are clear on what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they do not follow the family expectations. Thus, it lessens the occasions of arguing between the parents and the opportunities for manipulation by the children.
6. Hold weekly co-parenting meetings with your spouse. Since you are the CEOs of your family and are business partners in a very real way, you must stay in constant communication. The success or failure of your family rests in your capable hands. Thus, co-parenting meetings are a must! These meetings should include finances, home maintenance, parenting, and relationship issues. Meetings should be held weekly with schedule book, meeting journal and budget book in hand. Continue to review your parenting style. You may find that one child thrives under your new system while another loses balance. Good co-parents always re-evaluate and restructure when necessary.

We are busy parents today. It is difficult to take the time to evaluate our parenting styles but the payoff is big for you as a parenting unit as well as for your child. Co-parenting takes the pressure off our children and the conflict out of our lives.

When practicing authoritative parenting as your parenting style of choice, the need for balance between it’s other two most common parenting styles, (authoritarian & permissive) becomes a challenge for parents. While listening to a trainer speak on the the topic of parenting, I heard her use a term from the classic movie Mary Poppins:

“A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down…”

As she quoted that line from the famous song and movie, I was struck that it truly describes what I am so desperately trying to point out to parents who want to try and find their way in parenting their children. If we took the song and broke it down, it would look like this:

1. The authoritarian parent would insist you take the medicine with no sugar. “Suck it up and choke the medicine down…”

2. The permissive parent would probably not make you take the medicine and would even allow you to substitute it with sugar. “But mom…I am feeling better and don’t need the medicine. Could I just have a spoonful of sugar instead?”

You see… authoritative parenting [http://www.authoritativeparenting.org] is truly that balance that we are looking for. “You have to take the medicine, but once you do, I’ll let you have a spoonful of sugar, to help get rid of the taste.”

It’s not based on being the hard-ass parent that many of us remember from our childhood (we all either had a parent in that role, or remember a friend’s parent who parented in that model) Likewise, it’s also not about giving in every time your child gets defensive about something.

Children need boundaries, rules and a parent who is there to parent and not be their friend. If you try practicing authoritative parenting, you’ll find the opportunities to work on a friendship of sorts…just based from a parent-child relationship!

Choosing and understanding all the different types of child custody and schedules is an overwhelming process. An 80/20 custody schedule has your child spending 80% of their time with one parent and 20% with the other.

This is a more traditional child custody schedule and is the basic child lives with one parent and visits the other parent every other weekend. This custody schedule is often referred to as the alternating weekends custody schedule.

Child custody is determined in two ways. First, both parents come to an agreement and submit it to the courts for approval. This is most common because it costs less and parents have a say in what happens to their child. Plus, the court will usually approve the custody schedule if both parents agree.

Second, the parents are unable to agree on custody and go to court. This is substantially more expensive and drawn out. Only about 10% of child custody cases go to court. When you are fighting for custody the court decides what they believe to be in the best interest of the child. Sometimes the result is not what either parent would like.

Here are some reasons why you or the court may consider or choose an 80/20 custody schedule:

• Parents live too far apart to be able to have more frequent exchanges. However, they live close enough to facilitate meeting a few times a month.
• One parent has a very busy work or school schedule and cannot have more custody of the child.
• It is determined to be the best interest of the child to have a stable home environment without multiple exchanges back and forth between parents.
• A parents past behavior or involvement with the child shows they would be better living with the other parent.
• The age of the child. Younger children need to have a stable home environment and it is recommended they have one main residence until at least school age.
• Child support payments. One parent may push for this type of child custody because they believe they will get more in child support payments. Another parent may push for more custody time so they do not have to pay as much if they have the child more. I strongly recommend you talk to a legal professional to see how child support is determined in your state. Each state has different rules and calculations. It is my strong belief that a child custody schedule should not be based on child support. It needs to be determined by what is in the best interest of the child.

It can be difficult to understand and choose the right child custody schedule. There are many things to consider and you want to make the right choice. The biggest recommendation I have when helping families choose a custody schedule is to remind them their situation is unique.

Many people will tell you what you should do or need to do. Listen to their advice but if it doesn’t work in your situation don’t worry about it. The major thing you need to do is work toward a schedule which is in your, the other parent, and especially your child’s best interest. The needs of your child must always be put first.

Good Luck!

As a step parent, it is natural to feel some resentment towards your stepkids. After all, if it weren’t for them, you’d have the perfect relationship, right? Doubtful, but it often makes us feel at least a little better. Let’s try something a little more productive now. When your stepkids misbehave or disrespect you or their parent in some way, what kind of resolution do you get? Does your spouse allow the behavior, handle it him – herself, expect you to handle it? Does it depend on whether the child is misbehaving for you or for his parent? In Part One, we will discuss how to handle a parent who does not discipline, commonly called a Disney Mom or Dad.

When dealing with a Disney Parent, it is most important to remember that the children, even though they seem like the problem, really are not at fault. It really and truly is a child’s role to misbehave, test boundaries, and act on impulse. This is how they learn. It is up to those raising the children to enforce rules, discipline poor behavior, and set boundaries. If the parent is not fulfilling this role, how can one blame the child? If the child gets away with the behavior, why should he stop? Dealing with this issue is a two pronged approach from you, the step parent. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your own boundaries. The second is to recognize that this really is the parent’s issue to solve (or ignore), and that you will likely not be successful in fixing this problem by yourself.

Just because a child disrespects his parent and gets away with it, does not mean he can treat you the same way. Spend a day, weekend, or some amount of time noting what your stepkids do directly to you. Say nothing, but once you are alone, spend some time making and prioritizing a list of behaviors that are unacceptable to you. For example, if you do the majority of the cooking and cannot get through a meal without complaints from your stepkids, this is a great example of your boundaries being crossed. However, if it is your spouse who does all the cooking, and the children complain every time, that is not something that is happening directly to you, and therefore should not be on your list.

Next, spend some time thinking about your expectations of how you want to be treated, and internalize those expectations. Be fair, but be specific. Then you will formulate a plan of action. During the next meal, if there is a complaint, inform your family that you work hard to create a healthy meal for everyone to enjoy as a family, but if no one appreciates your efforts, you simply will stop cooking. If you ask your stepkid to perform a task, or to stop behaving a certain way, and you are ignored or met with an unkind remark, inform the child that you do not allow people to treat you in that manner, and you are now unable to help the child in some way, such as giving her a ride somewhere. Be clear with your family that your personal boundaries are about what you will accept in how you are treated by using phrases like, “I don’t allow people to speak to me that way. Please reframe your question/ comment in a respectful tone.” Be sure to treat your family with the same respect you want given to you. Finally, do not dwell on the incident, or allow it to escalate into an argument. Leave the room if you have to, change the conversation to something pleasant, or find a distraction. Deal with each issue as it arises, and do not let past altercations cloud your view of the present. Once you have handled a situation, let it go.

The second half of your approach is to know the difference between how your stepkids treat you and how they act with their parent. Just as you have determined your own boundaries, the parent has done the same, and it is important to accept that, even though it might be quite bothersome. When the kids disrespect their parent, and the parent does nothing, it is the parent’s problem. He is the person ultimately responsible for raising the child, and he will do so however he sees fit. If this means that the kids are living without rules, or there is no follow through on discipline, so be it. You have ensured that you are being respected, but you cannot force the kids to respect their parent if he does not enforce it himself.

Often, once a stepparent begins to establish his own boundaries, the parent will follow suit. This is especially true when it involves the stepparent relinquishing a regular duty for the parent to now handle, like the cooking example. If the parent suddenly finds herself having to take care of preparing the meals, she might just suddenly see how annoying it is to have her cooking constantly insulted and start taking corrective measures about respect for the person who cooks the meals. Also, if the parent must suddenly start providing transportation that you now refuse to provide for being disrespected, she may start helping to enforce her kids’ treatment of you and respect for what you do for the family. You may even hear her start telling the kids to thank you for your contributions to the family.

This doesn’t happen with all parents. Some will continue to see nothing wrong with how their kids behave. In this case, it is best to physically remove yourself whenever possible. Leave the room, run an errand, go to the gym, focus closely on whatever project may be in your hands at the time. Don’t allow your self talk to run rampant with how you would prefer this situation to be handled. Repeat to yourself that this is the parent, and this is how the parent chooses to be treated. Again, don’t allow these occurrences to pile up in your mind. Practice letting go, so that you don’t build resentment towards kids who are only acting the way they are allowed to act. Don’t take on the responsibility of handling all the discipline; that will only turn you into the bad guy, so the parent really never has to be accountable for his inaction.

Finally, as I tell all my clients, pay attention to where your resentment lies. Are you allowing your discomfort with the entire situation of being in a step family to cause these feelings? If you can pull yourself out of the scenario for a moment and determine whether your stepkids are acting like normal kids, or if they are acting like monsters, it will help you to recognize if your own feelings are a product of internal or external factors. If it is internal, then it may be time to consider coaching or counseling to deal with your inner turmoil so that you can move forward.

There have been countless studies conducted on The Importance of Parental Involvement in Reading Skill Activities for Your Child. Research has found that the most important determinant of language and literacy comes from parents who are engaged with their children when it comes to learning to read.

Common sense tells us that the more involved you are with your child and their reading habits the more likely they will become better readers. Parents that take an interest in reading activities at home create positive influences with their children when it comes to reading achievement, language comprehension and expressive language skills.

Research also shows that the earlier parents become involved in their children’s reading practices the more profound the results and the longer lasting the effects. Parents that introduce their preschool aged children to books and read to them on a daily basis leads to greater reading knowledge and links them to school readiness in later years.

The conclusions to be drawn from this for parents are that research and your natural parenting instincts tell you that your participation in your child’s learning process is a critical factor when it comes to preparing your children to be successful in school.

As a parent you want to provide every advantage that you possibly can for your child’s academic success. You know that good reading habits start in the home with your involvement and should begin at an early age. Parental participation is an important factor to help your child with their learning needs. Get involved and stay involved with all aspects of your children’s education. Their future achievement depends on your parental involvement.

Teenagers are not small kids who you will keep on yelling at to make them do the right thing. As a parent, you have to realize the changes occurring to them, emotionally. Probably they have become moodier now than you used to know them. Teens like testing the limits of a parent. They will keep making deliberate mistakes to see how far you can go and how much patient you can be. What you have to always keep in mind is that they are still your children. Most parents make fatal mistakes while handling teenagers. They end up putting so much effort which at the end gives no better results. The following are some of the most common mistakes that teen parents make and how to avoid making such mistakes.

1. Being pessimistic.

Expecting the worst from your teen child is the worst mistake. Many parents believe that they can only watch and do nothing about the deteriorating behavior of their children. This makes the teens feel that the parent does not care about them. They get the perception that they are only good when they do well. The truth is that a parent’s negative expectation can promote the negative behavior of a teen.

To avoid falling into this pit whole, focus on the strengths, talents and abilities of your child. Think of how you can improve them and help them to be prominent in your child’s character.

2. Not trusting their instincts.

Most parents tend to read so much literature on how to handle teens, and forget to trust their instincts on how to best raise teens. Sometimes, they may put themselves into bigger problems trying to handle some parenting situations using the advice offered in books. Parenting books and literature are very helpful. They only become a problem when parents over rely on them, and forget to use their innate parenting skills.

You should only use books to get various perspectives on confusing behavior and situations. Then put the book down and address the issue, based on what you have learned and your knowledge about your kid.

3. Too much, or too little discipline.

Some parents think by being strict about the discipline of a teen will work best. Others feel that if they act strictly to their teens, they will be pushed away. The best is where you find a balance between obedience and freedom. Do not be too strict with the kids. And again, do not let them do everything they think of doing.

When I show customers the new generation of shag carpet now called “Frieze” (pronounce free zay) and tell them that Frieze is the modern version of shag carpet they either scream in horror over the memories of their parent’s shag carpet of the 70’s when psychedelic colors were in fashion as well as bellbottom jeans, the VW van and the afro picks or they are just too young to remember those good ole days.

Today’s Frieze carpet is a lot different than your parent’s shag. First of all the colors have been toned down quite a bit and secondly for the most part the length of the carpet is not the length that your parent had when you had to rake the carpet instead of vacuuming it. The frieze carpet of today comes in solid color (primarily earth tones) and speckled.

When I first started selling Frieze carpet, customers would place it in their basement instead of Berber but now we are getting request for Frieze carpet to be place in the main areas of the home.

The Frieze carpet is now being installed in model and custom homes and almost always is placed in the flooring sample rotation for new construction.

Frieze is made primarily from two fabrics, PET (recycled plastics) and Nylon. Obviously the PET is a little less expensive and is environmentally friendly. The Nylon is softer and more durable. Whichever the fabric, customers are enjoying their Frieze carpet. Because this carpet is not manufactured to be a tightly weaved carpet, you will find that it is probably better to go with a shorter length than a longer length carpet. Over time your carpet will look better and bounce back faster as you and your guest walk on your new carpet.

Please keep in mind that most carpets are not warranted on stairs because of the intense pressure placed on them as you walk up the stairs, this will probably be the first place where wear patterns appear. You can help delay this by vacuuming your stairs more often.

If you have a more contemporary style and taste, then I think the Frieze carpet can be a good consideration for next flooring purchase.

Autism like many other disorders around the world comes with a number of symptoms which can really have a negative effect on the sufferer. In this article I will be discussing what effect that children with autism have on their parents or carers. The hope is that this will make you aware of the time and effort put in by people to look after children with autism and how we should be supporting these carers and helping them get the funding they need.

First off just think to yourself, how long a day does a parent spend looking after their young children on average, it’s fairly long but the tasks are not as difficult as they would be if the child had autism. A parent looking after a child with autism is likely to spend much more time looking after the child. Children who are just

Many carers and parents build up a lot of stress whilst looking after these children and it can even lead to mistakes. The parent or carer has to be aware of the child’s condition and sometimes when the child is doing something as a result of the autism a parent or carer may shout or lash out at the child. It is not because they are bad carers or parents; it is because they have been put under such immense pressure and stress. It does not surprise me of the circumstances and I think that the government needs to help support these families who barely manage on their own. Many parents struggle to manage on their own and it is important that change is made so that these parents get the support they need.

Many parents have gone so far that they just give up, this is sad to see such a thing happen, for a start it cannot be an easy task to care for someone with autism, I am not surprised with the immense workloads they have to endure. We need to support parents and carers and make sure that they can have a life whilst caring for children with autism.