I often write about saving marriages. Or, if a separation or divorce has happened, I sometimes try to help the wife to get her husband back (so long as the relationship was a healthy one worth saving.)  Often times, I’m contacted by wives who want to know the “signs that my husband wants me back.” In other words, they want to know what to look for to prove that there is still hope of getting back together.  Every husband is different of course, so often the signs are a bit individual.  However, there are some universal signals that can tip you off that the marriage is not really over (even if he doesn’t yet know it or can’t or won’t admit it to himself or to you.)  Below, I’ll list many of the signs and signals that I commonly see which may indicate that your husband just might want you back.

Anything Other Than Indifference:  The behavior that is a dead give away that the marriage is officially over is indifference.  When a person can honestly and seriously say (although they wish their spouse or ex no ill will), that they truly don’t care what happens in the future, this is a tip off that they really are done.  They have let go once and for all. They don’t keep track of you.  They don’t initiate contact.  They aren’t at all interested in what is going on with you.  They’ve moved on will no ill will and complete, healthy closure.  (This is rarely the case that I see, though.  But, when you see complete indifference, you really are in trouble.)

With that said, anything other than this offers hope.  Wives will often tell me things like “my husband says he hates me,” or “we can’t even stand to be in the same room together,” etc.  I will often reply that this is actually a positive sign and I’m sure the wives think that I am crazy but here’s the truth.  If there wasn’t some glimmer of emotion and interest left, then these very strong feelings (even if they appear to be negative) would not be revealing themselves. If your husband truly had no affection or interest left, then he wouldn’t react at all.  The fact that he is reacting strongly gives him away.

Strong Emotions (Even Negative Ones) Can Be A Tip Off That Your Husband Wants You Back: Your husband or ex may be making a total jerk of himself.  He may be confrontational and insulting.  He may be angry and he may insinuate that you aren’t a good parent or that you are conducting yourself in an undesirable way.  Here’s the question that you have to ask yourself.  Why does he care? Where is this concern coming from? If he had really moved on, would he really be reacting this way?  Even though his behavior is annoying and unbecoming, ask yourself why it is coming out like this.  Because if he didn’t care at all, you really wouldn’t hear from him at all.

Is He Trying To Take The “Concerned” Approach?: The other side to this same coin is the husband who takes the “concerned” or “protective” approach.  In this scenario, the husband will maintain that things are over but will feign guilt and sort of hover or keep an ear out, under the pretense that he wants to make sure that you and the children (if you have any) are OK.  The pretense goes that even if you aren’t married or together, you can maintain a positive relationship because it is healthier for all involved. A few husbands actually mean this.  But, some use this approach to “feel out” the situation and see if by creating positive interactions, he can determine if the “spark” is still there.

Or, another angle of this same tactic is trying to keep tabs through mutual friends.  Or, running into you because he knows your habits and where you’ll be.  Again, if he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t go out of his where here.

What To Do If You See Any Of The Signs That May You Suspect Your Husband Wants You Back: The worst thing that you can do is to call your husband on this or ask for clarification.  I see many women do this and it almost always turns out badly.  The husband becomes scared off because you’re asking him to define something that is probably confusing to him and this brings about negative emotions.  If you want your husband back, your primary goal has got to be to establish a series of positive interactions that build upon themselves until you are back on solid ground.

So, if your husband is hovering, trying to keep tabs, or keeps making excuses to run into you, go with it and indicate that you appreciate his concern and agree that you want the relationship to be a positive one, no matter how things turn out.  Take it day by day and concentrate on positive, light-hearted, fun, interactions.

If your husband is taking the negative approach, be confident in the fact that he wouldn’t be doing these things if he didn’t care and don’t allow yourself to respond in a negative way.  Explain to him that no matter what happens between you, he’s too important to you to allow things to deteriorate this way and tell him that you intend to only participate in positive behaviors. He may not believe this at first, but you’re going to show him with your actions, not your words.  Again, your goal is to create positive interactions that build upon themselves.  Don’t try to define where this is going or push.  Just take it day by day and concentrate on low pressure, fun times on which you can build.

When you translate your dreams according to the scientific method, you start seeing dreams with premonitions. However, these visions do not come to fruition the way you might imagine. Usually you see what could happen in the future so that you may correct your mistakes or change certain factors that are not favorable to you.

Through this experience, you will see a dream showing you, for example, that you will be discovered if you try to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend. You may then realize that cheating on your significant other is not a good idea.

You will be able to verify that you really predicted the future through your dreams because something will happen in the next day to prove the premonition. That one certain factor you were not considering as significant could unexpectedly affect you.

Usually, two or more dreams containing premonitions appear together in the same night, showing the dreamers what could happen if they are not careful. On the other hand, the dreamers learn how to guarantee the future positive results they desire.

As an example, one of my students sent me two dreams and asked me to help her with their translation.

In the first dream, she was with her son in Alaska and it was snowing. She could see a city and a man on a bicycle off in the distance. The scene then changes and she is observing a swimming pool, which is totally empty-there is no water in it.

In the second dream, she is with her daughter and her ex-husband, the second being a person who irritated her very much. She is upset because she is near her former spouse and she sees that her daughter has been transformed into a butterfly.

The unconscious mind was showing her in the first dream that she had to face a dangerous situation, which was represented by the snow. The man she saw in a distance on a bicycle represented the figure of the animus (her perfect match) that was entering in her life slowly (through the bicycle). She was with her son, which represents the serious moral image she presents to the world.

The empty swimming pool was emphasizing the absence of water in a place that is usually full of water. Water in dreams represents the spirit that becomes heavy and is liquid instead of abstract. In other words, the presence of water means the lack of faith in the existence of a spiritual life. Since there was no water in the swimming pool, the dreamer did not think that her existence was futile. She was understanding that she should be serious and believe that her dreams were protecting her from a great danger.

In the second dream she is with her daughter that represents the futile moral image she presents to the world. She is also with her ex-husband, who represents the wrong animus. Her daughter becomes a butterfly-a beautiful insect that has an ephemeral life and will soon die.

The unconscious mind was showing her what would happen in case she would be futile and accept having a relationship with a man that would be like her ex-husband. The passing happiness of being with her partner would soon die. She had to be serious when facing a new relationship with another man, because he could be the wrong person for her again.

By providing this example, I hope to give you some insight into how paying attention to your dreams and really taking the time to learn from them can make a significance in your life’s path. Dream translation through the scientific method is a process that you can learn with just two months of dedication and study.

Out of the blue, when you least expected it, you had a dream about your ex girlfriend. The dream appeared to be about reconciliation and reuniting. You envisioned yourselves talking out all of your problems and deciding that you couldn’t live without each other. However, with the arrival of daylight you can’t help but wonder “do I still love my ex”?

Dreams can be a way for us to categorize our experiences. They can help us to sort out the things our minds have to deal with on a daily basis and let go of things that are not useful to us anymore. A dream like this might suggest that someone or something in your current life is bringing out similar feelings that you had with your ex. It’s a matter of interpretation.

It’s very normal to dream about people who are currently in your life and those who have moved on. After having such a dream, it’s easy to ask yourself if you still love your ex, but the dream could be a way of alerting you to a similar behavioral pattern in your current relationship.

For example, if your dream is about reconnecting with your ex, it could mean that you are finding yourself in a similar situation that is making you feel uncomfortable, or it could also be a sign that you are open to love again. According to how the relationship ended, you may have been fearful about loving again and this could indicate the release of that fear.

There are many theories on how to interpret a dream, according to who you want to believe. The factors that make up your day-to-day life have a lot to do with what can go on in your subconscious mind and in your dreams.

From a realistic standpoint, while you are awake, revisit the old relationship and evaluate how it ended. Not every dream about an ex partner means that you want them back in real life. Sometimes you could be receiving a warning about a current situation with an entirely different person.

Upon awakening from a dream about an ex girlfriend you can really be confused. It’s understandable for you to wonder if you could still love your ex. Dreams can be really hard to figure out and there may actually be nothing to figure out at all. Your subconscious mind just might be reliving a place in time when you were in love and decided to take a stroll down memory lane.

Generally speaking, most men face the problem of maintaining their relationships with women for reasons they did wrong without realizing their actions. If your girlfriend broke up with you, and you really want to get her back, then the first thing you need to find out is what has happened that made you go off track.

In most cases, girls or ladies if you like, will tell you all there is about your faults. Be bold enough to ask her about it because that would be a starting point to help you get her back.

However, there will be cases where the gals will hesitate to tell you anything, and this is where you need to put on your thinking cap into action.

Ask yourself this question, “Do you pay enough attention to your girlfriend?” It is so important in securing any relationship that you give enough attention to your loved one.

As the saying goes, ‘actions speak louder than words’. Women expect something out of emotional support, much more than just simple verbal affirmations from men. Buying her a gift would show her that you care for her. The one big no-no in her life is you cheating on her, in which case you simply do not deserve to get her back in your life, regardless of whether she has cheated on you or that she was cheated once before.

It is purely a matter of responsibility and love for her if you can both back and live together and help to pitch in with the housework and get involved as much as you can, which will show her your love for her. What it basically means is that you will have to make basic adjustments in your life to show her that you are a matured and responsible individual.

If you can be loving, caring and respectful towards her, you will surely get your girlfriend back.

After you take a break from your ex and then decide it’s now time to try and text your ex back, you may find yourself in a dilemma. It’s hard enough trying to figure out what to say in those first few text messages to your ex. But that’s not your only problem.

What happens when your ex responds? What do you say then? How do you respond to their response?

Hopefully you were careful about the first few texts you sent. After all, you shouldn’t be trying to get your ex back right off the bat.

Instead, you simply want to open the lines of communication and give your ex the opportunity to start a conversation, but only if he or she wants to. Your first few texts should never put any pressure on your ex to respond.

So let’s assume you did that and sent a good “across the bow” text to get the ball rolling. Maybe it was something like, “Just caught myself thinking of you when I heard that Adele song you love. Hope you’re doing great.”

Now it’s a waiting game. How is your ex going to respond? There are 4 possible scenarios.

1.) No response at all

2.) A neutral response

3.) A positive response

4.) A negative response

If you get no response at all, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it. Your ex may not be ready to hear from you. Wait a few days or a week and then try again with another text message variation. Whatever you do, don’t start sending them message after message asking them why they aren’t replying to you.

A neutral response is something like, “Thanks” or “I’m ok, thanks. You?” If your ex responds like this, you may be tempted to reply back and get into a big long conversation with them. But you shouldn’t. Instead, reply in a friendly, but equally as neutral way and end the conversation.

For example, “I’m good. Hey, I gotta run, but nice hearing from you. Bye for now.”

More than likely you won’t get a super positive response unless you broke up with your ex and they’re excited to hear from you because they weren’t ready for the relationship to end. If they broke up with you, they may also have realized they made a mistake and may therefore be extremely happy to hear from you.

Again, don’t get into a long conversation. Treat this much like a neutral response. Reply back that you’re doing great, it was awesome to hear from them but you have to go, and then end the conversation. This will keep them missing you and longing for you even more.

Lastly, if you get an extremely negative response from your ex, then you will need to give them more time. In this case, don’t text them again for several weeks. If they say something like, “I’m still really hurt and really don’t want to talk to you right now” just reply with something like “Sorry. I totally understand. Hope you’re doing well.”

No matter what response you get from your ex, always be the one to end the conversation first and resist the urge to get into a long, drawn out conversation. It’s extremely hard to resist the urge to talk to them more, especially when you get a positive response, but you’ll put yourself in a much better position to win them back if you keep them wanting more.

I recently heard from a wife who felt that the bad shape her marriage was in was all her fault. Some destructive behavior, bad decisions, and indiscretions had hurt her husband very much. The husband was so hurt and upset, that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be married anymore. The threat of losing her husband made this wife realize that she indeed loved her husband and did not want to lose him. She now realized that she had been taking him for granted. But the husband had become so angry and distant, that the wife was afraid that she was going to lose her husband once and for all.

She wanted my advice as to how to get her husband back and fully committed to her when she had hurt him so much. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

Make Sure That Your Husband Understands How Sorry You Are And Don’t Make Insincere Excuses For Your Behavior: Sometimes, I suspect that this goes without saying, but I hear from many spouses who tell me that their partner does not seem all that sorry for their actions. It’s so important that you swallow your pride, sit your spouse down, and tell them in a very genuine and heartfelt way how very sorry you are. Lay out for them the fact that you know that you’ve hurt them deeply, love them very much, and will follow up these words with the actions that will show them over time how sincere you really are.

And, do not make any excuses for your behavior or insinuate that your husband is in any way to blame. This will only dig a deeper hole. He will likely respect you so much more if you just own up to what you did, apologize, and then begin to follow through on your promises.

Settle For Small Victories. Do Not Push For Too Much Too Soon: It’s very tempting to want to push for forgiveness right away. This is because knowing that might lose him is hurtful and scary. But, he will often need some time to calm down and to process his feelings. You will appear to be much more sympathetic and he will usually perceive you in a much more positive manner if you give him some patience and time. In fact, it never hurts to stress that you love him and don’t want to add to his burden by pushing him to do something that he is not ready to do.

People often hesitate to give their spouse time and space out of fear. They worry that if they give this time, the husband is going to decide that whatever transpired was a deal breaker and leave. But, they don’t understand that he’s likely going to resent your impatience and his feeling pressured is only going to contribute to his negative perceptions that you just can’t afford right now.

You’re much better off limiting your demands and just settling for small victories and positive outcomes. Let your husband set the pace and be thankful for even a little progress. Know that this might take some time, but be willing to give your spouse the time that he needs. If you keep allowing for him to become more and more comfortable, you are building a stronger foundation and friendship.

Try to keep things light hearted and not filled with pressure and tension. You want to basically leave each encounter on a positive note so that you both will want to repeat the process.

When The Time Is Right, Offer Your Husband A Workable Plan: If you’ve been successful in communicating how sorry you are and you’re beginning to reestablish good communication and trust, tread very carefully when you ask your husband for his commitment and reassurances. You want to make sure that you show and not tell him how and why things are going to be different. You have to show him the exact person that you’ve been promising him.

It’s not enough to tell him that you’re going to change and that your marriage can improve so that you are both happy. Your behavior and your new actions must show him this. Otherwise, he’s likely going to be very reluctant to believe in any plan that you propose. You will have to show him over time that you’re not going anywhere, that you will make good on your promises, and that your actions are going to prove over time that he’s going to be happier with you than without you.

I recently heard from a wife who was afraid that she was having an abnormal reaction while dealing with the aftermath of her husband’s affair. While it was her husband who had made the choice to have and then hide the affair, it was the wife who was feeling “dirty, guilty, and disgusted.”

She could not understand why these feelings were coming forth. Intellectually, she knew that this wasn’t her fault. She knew that it was her husband who should feel ashamed and damaged, but she could not seem to help taking these feelings onto herself. She was a bit confused about this and it upset her, but I was able to reassure her that this feelings are actually quite common and that there is a reason for them. Understanding the reasons could potentially help her to overcome them. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why You Might Feel Dirty And Repulsed When Dealing With (Or After) Your Husband’s Affair: I actually hear these things on a relatively regular basis. Most people intellectually realize that it is their husband who should be experiencing these feelings and doubts, but that isn’t always the way that things work out. It’s my theory that these negative feelings typically happen because true processing and healing has mot yet began to take place.

You’re typically at the point when you are still reeling, are still so angry you could spit nails, and recoil every time that you think of him attempting to touch you when he’s done the same with some other stranger who you perceive as quite detestable. Yes, these reactions are negative and difficult, but I can assure you that they are absolutely normal and understandable. They don’t say anything about you other than the fact that you are dealing with a very difficult situation.

It’s so tempting to place some of the blame onto yourself. Many of us do this. In the depths of our mind and in the backs of our hearts, we begin to wonder if maybe we should have given him more of the right type of attention. We wonder how we could have been so naive and so unobservant to allow this to happen. We wonder if, had we been a better wife, if we could have escaped this whole thing. These thoughts are common and understandable, but they are a dead end street (and they are also the beginning of the guilt.)

The past is the past. You can not change it, no matter how much you dwell on it. It is going to be your actions today that define what happens in the future. Your reactions to the past are understandable, but they very rarely do anything to help your today’s and your tomorrows.

Feeling Disgusted At The Sight Of Your Husband After The Affair: As I said, “dirty” feelings or feelings of disgust are quite common. This is true for many reasons. On the one hand, you’re furious and outraged by your husband’s betrayal. Anyone would be. This does not mean that you are wrong or flawed in any way. And on the other hand, you just can’t stop thinking about this. When you look at him, it’s quite possible that all you can do is imagine him as a liar and a fraud. Women often ask me if these feelings are ever going to go away. That really depends.

If you can work to determine the contributing factors and address them over time (while you are building yourself up and not blaming yourself,) then eventually you begin to view this in a more objective, and less personal, manner. Very eventually, you begin to look at it as almost a third party once you are able to create and develop some distance. If this seems impossible to you now, know that this really does just take time and small steps. And, it’s often quite gradual so that you often can’t see and feel it happening at the time.

It’s also important to note that many women tell me they feel this disgust when they try to be intimate or affectionate too soon, when they really can’t exhibit genuine feelings. They’re going through the motions or participating because they think that they should or because they desperately want for things to be better, but once they begin to feel these negative feelings, they will sometimes wonder if their relationship is destined to fail, as everything seems to be falling apart at the seams.

What’s usually happening is that you’re trying to force things and move forward before you are ready. It’s important to understand that an affair is a big blow to a marriage. Many things need to happen before you can comfortably proceed. And, you’ll often know when you’re overstepping or rushing because your discomfort will tell you. When you feel this disgust and “dirtiness” what this is telling you is that you need to hold off, that there is more work to do, that there are issues that need to be brought up and healed, but they have not yet been resolved.

There is absolutely no time line to healing. It is going to be a different time frame for each person. It helps if both parties are open, honest, and willing. Sometimes, people do not reach this place at the same time. But, you can help yourself by speaking up, being honest, and asking for exactly what you need. People often just hope that their spouse “will just know.” This leaves so much to chance. As unfair as it can feel that you have to take the initiative, doing so will often give you a better result much sooner.

Very few people who find my blog are happily married or are totally fine with their divorce or separation.  Most of my readers are either having real problems in their marriages or are newly separated / contemplating a divorce but are not at all happy about this.  They want to save their marriages but they aren’t sure if this is even a possibility and they don’t want to get their hopes up for fear or rejection or disappointment.  The other day, someone wrote to me and asked how she could appear attractive to her husband (although they were separated) because she very much wanted him back.   I’ll share with you what I told her in the following article.

Game Playing, Desperation, And Negative Emotions Are Not Attractive To Separated Husbands: Before I tell you how to put your best foot forward, I first want to share with you what absolutely does not work for most men.  Once the reality of the separation or break hits you, it’s absolutely normal to feel panicked and frightened.  Every one goes through this.

But, if you want your husband back, you can’t allow for these emotions to drive your actions.  Many wives are sure that they must do something, anything, to get their husband’s attention and to lure him back home.  They will try many things to accomplish this. Some try the sugary sweet, seductive approach.  Others want his pity or his guilt.  Still others will lash out and become combative, feeling that starting a fight is at least going to get a reaction. 

But, all of these tactics share the same fatal flaw.  They all elicit negative feelings in your husband. Whether he’s feeling guilt, anger, or frustration, he’s still not liking what he’s feeling when he thinks of or interacts with you.  This must change if you want to save your marriage.

If your husband wants distance so much that he’s willing to contemplate separating, then you must give him that distance.  If you don’t, then he’s only going to pull further away in a desperate attempt to get what he’s after.  You will actually get this process over with much more quickly (and painlessly) if you go with the grain whether than against it.  If everything is always a fight or battle, then he’s no longer going to line up to interact you.

The Delicate Dance That You Must Get Right:  Often when I tell people about the things that I’ve mentioned above, some will say something like “OK, I see.  You want me to try to opposite tactic.  You want me to play hard to get, or pretend that I don’t care, or try to make him jealous?”  No, that’s not really it, either.  Because this too, is an act that is a bit too hard to believe that often won’t come off as sincere. It will read as “ploy” or “plot” and he will only ignore this drama too.

To really be successful (and to appear attractive), you have to participate in what I call a delicate dance.  You should remain clear that you want to save your marriage and don’t want the break.  But, you also must portray a woman who has a quiet, dignified confidence that she is going to be OK no matter what life throws at her.  And no, you don’t want to go out with other people or try to make him jealous.  I believe that doing this will only encourage him to do the same (which you absolutely do not want.) However, you do want to leave him wistful and wondering just what’s going with you.

To that end, you want to allude to the fact that you think that the break just might be a good thing, that you’re going to use this opportunity to take a step back, evaluate your life, and remove yourself from the stress. So, you want him to know that you’re going out, you’re seeing your friends, you’re enjoying yourself, but you’d rather be doing these things with him. However, you can handle yourself just fine since this is not happening.

Knowing What He Loves About You:  Once you’re successful in lowering the tension level and he’s no longer avoiding you, you’ll want to really focus on the things that made him fall in love with you.  You want him to almost get a sense of deja vu when you’re around.  People will often tell me that this is a lot to ask.  Their heart is breaking and yet I’m telling them to portray themselves as lighthearted, open, and alluring.  I understand this.  But, I’m truly not asking you to be anyone else but who you already are (and always were.) 

The truth is, our spouses often see in us what we can not see in ourselves.  And I’m not necessarily talking about appearance (although you should look your best.) There was a spark or light in you that he saw and was drawn to.  You emitted it – no one else.  But, because of every day life and it’s pressures that light has been dimming, for both of you. (And you’re both guilty of this  – him too.) That light is often the reflection of two people who have fun and are comfortable together.  That’s been lost.  You must get it back.  He must feel happier with you than without you. 

He’s not going to be able to do this until you are able to share some pleasurable, light hearted exchanges where you are both having fun.  Leave the talks about your marital problems for another time.  This can wait until you’re back on solid ground and will be more effective then anyway.  Right now, your only goal is to really think about and pinpoint the qualities that he misses the most and to show them to him during the times when you’re together (which you need to let him initiate.)  This in turn will create those shared experiences that I’ve been harping on.  These shared experiences are what built a strong base on which you will rebuild, little by little. 

Eventually, he will want to spend more time together and less apart, as he realizes that he made a premature mistake.

I often hear from wives who have sort of checked out of their marriages even though they may still be living with their husbands as part of a family. They are usually sort of going through the motions and not rocking the boat or trying to bring the issues to the forefront. I think that this is partly due to the fact that they suspect that nothing can be done about the love that has been lost. In short, they suspect that they aren’t in love with their husbands anymore. And, although many will tell you that they don’t want to take the drastic step of divorce, they aren’t sure if the feelings can return either.

I often hear questions like: “once the love has gone, is it gone forever? Will I ever learn to love my husband again or is this as good as our marriage is ever going to get?” Or, “once you reach a certain age, does there come a point where you just have to accept that you’re no longer going to feel all weak kneed and silly inside? Is there any way to get the love and the spark to return or is that just the way that it is when you’ve been married for as long as I have?”

I believe that there are many in our society who believe that this is just the way that marriage is after a while. And many will divorce based on this belief without ever knowing if there may have been much better times ahead if they had just hung on. But, from my own experience and from hearing about the experiences of many others, I know that it’s entirely possible to learn or come to love your husband or spouse again. It sometimes takes a trip down a road that you might not have considered and sometimes you will be have to the one to take the initiative or the first course of action. Eventually, you have to take control of your own happiness. But, by no means do you have to settle for just lukewarm feelings when the original ones can be reignited with just a little attention.

Love, Passion, And Chemistry Start In Your Head As Much As In Your Heart. And These Feelings Are Often Directly Related To Actions And Circumstances: Many people suspect that romantic love and passion is a feeling that comes out of no where for random reasons like fate. People seem to think that this chemical or organic reaction is simply because two people were fated or supposed to be together and that you will feel this so long as the relationship between you is “right.”

Along this same line of thinking, many people also suspect that when things go stale or when you don’t feel “in love” anymore, that you can take this to mean that things are no longer “right” between you. Many of us don’t or won’t stop to think about the internal things that are going on with us. We don’t consider how we allocate our time and align our priorities and just how much we are putting into generating these feelings rather than expecting them just to present themselves to us as a gift that keeps on giving without any upkeep on our part.

Sometimes we’ll assume that things have just cooled or that we’ve fallen at of love, when the reality is, we’ve done very little to try to address those underlying things that are slowing taking their toll and haven’t taken repetitive steps to try to help ourselves. I was as guilty of this as anyone and by “repetitive” I mean that we keep going even if we meet with setbacks, resistance, hurt feelings, or a reluctance to allow ourselves to be vulnerable or to be the only one willing to try to something new.

Becoming stagnant is one of the great enemies of marriage, but many of us are so focused on the feelings that we think just magically happen, that we aren’t looking at how our heads and our behaviors factor into the equation. We don’t stop consider that other things which have little to do with our marriage might be weighing on us, or that, we ourselves have let things “slide” a little bit over time. We aren’t connecting the dots, but are most definitely seeing that we’ve ended up where we never meant to go.

Learning To Love Your Husband, And Your Marriage, Again: Generally I hear from wives who are part of a few different scenarios. Sometimes, there are some underlying issues that have sapped the intimacy and bond. Generally, someone is angry, disappointed, or hurt, but they either have not expressed this – or if they have expressed it, then they did not get the response from their spouse that they were hoping for.

Other times, there is nothing that they can put their finger on. They’ve simply “drifted apart” or “fallen out of love” and they don’t really fully consider the role that neglect or apathy has played in this slide and how, if they just refocused their efforts back to the relationship, that the feelings would likely follow.

The bottom line is that the absolute worst thing that you can do is to just sit and lament about how you might not be in love with your husband any longer. The more you just sit and watch, the deeper the divide becomes and your job becomes more and more difficult over time. It may turn out that the feelings really are gone, and even your best efforts won’t return them (although I find that this is rarely the case.) But, you’ll never know that if you don’t give this your best effort. You’ll always wonder if maybe, just maybe, things could have changed.

Often wives will tell me that they just don’t know where to begin. Things have gone so cold that they fear they’ll look totally stupid when they begin to suddenly show more emotion and attention. OK, so there might be some discomfort at first. But, isn’t a little and short lived discomfort better than feeling the constant hurt and disconnect day in and day out?

The truth is that beneath the man that you might well roll your eyes at today, lies the younger man that used to make you laugh, that used to put a twinkle in your eye, and that you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth once upon a time. Do you think that man is really and totally gone for good? Because if you make that assumption, then you must also concede that the laughing and happy go lucky younger woman that you were is also gone. And once you begin to believe that, you really might alter the course of your marriage.

You don’t have to make drastic changes if that makes you uncomfortable. But, you should pay attention each and every day to ways that you can place your focus back on the things that used to make you feel close. Almost always, when people tell me that they don’t love their spouses anymore, it’s also true that they are spending less and less together, have become more and more angry, and have all but given up.

Don’t give up. If you used to love taking walks together, try that again today. If you need help to work past your issues and problems, then get that help. If there are things that you need to say, but are afraid to look “stupid” or “silly,” then let that go and say them. This is your life. Your happiness is at stake. You loved this person enough to marry them, so it doesn’t make sense to walk away or to live your married life numb when you can at least make the attempt to change up your focus, your actions, and your priorities to see where that leads. Either way, you’ll have your answer. And I suspect that you’ll be glad that you took this path when all is said and done.

Admittedly, not every one who tells their spouse that they want them to leave, take a break, or pursue a trial separation is telling the absolute truth. In fact, many spouses will make these claims simply because they want to get their spouse’s attention or they are trying to get their spouse to change. Some spouses will make this claim when they are unsure about their marriage – or are feeling insecure in it. The hope is that their spouse will rise to the occasion, fight for the marriage, and prove his love. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always react in the way that we had hoped.

Here’s what I mean. A wife might say: “I never intended for my marriage to be at risk because of this. But I was so angry with my husband at the time. He has started going out with these group of friends that I can not stand. Then he drinks and acts like a fraternity boy. I know he’s trying to fit in at his new job and part of fitting in is going out with coworkers. But I married a responsible guy who doesn’t act immature. The way my husband is acting now, he is not the man I married. We had many discussions and even fights about this, so to get his attention, I told him if he loved his friends so much, he should move out and stay with them. He did. I anticipated that he would beg me to come home and promise to cut down on his going out, particularly with that group of friends. I expected, and wanted, for him to fight for me. But he seems to just accept that we are going to separate. He does not ask me to reconsider. It is almost like this is fine with him and he sees it as an opportunity to go out with his friends even more. I am so sad and disappointed. Why would he not fight for me? Why would he just let me go so easily? Does he not love me anymore?”

I don’t think that it’s fair or accurate to assume that he doesn’t love you anymore. Everyone responds differently to this type of situation. Although you and I might fight in this situation, that is not going to be every one’s response. And there are plenty of valid reasons that he may be acting a bit more passive. I will list some of them below.

It May Not Be In His Personality To Fight: If you asked me to go and make a public speech about something that is important to me, I would have a very hard time doing it – despite my passion about the topic. This is true even if I was only speaking to a small group. There’s a reason that I love to write instead of speak. It is just not in my personality to want to communicate what I’m thinking verbally. It may not be in your husband’s personality to “fight” for you. Some people are just more passive in their actions. This doesn’t mean that they don’t feel anything. It just means that they are more reluctant to act on their feelings. Or they may act in a less demonstrative way.

He May Know What You Are Doing: Your husband may know full well that you don’t really want a separation or divorce. So, knowing this, he feels it is unnecessary to do anything other than wait. Now, I know what you may be thinking: “well, I’ll show him. I can wait him out.” But, that’s probably not the best call. You have to ask yourself what you really want. And if you continue on with this bluff, you put your marriage at risk.

He May Not Like The Method: Your husband may be concerned and frightened about the state of your marriage. But he may also be resentful that you asked him to leave without talking it out first. He may be reacting to the way that you left things rather than to the fact that you are living apart right now.

He May Be Hoping That It Will Turn Out Fine Without Him Having To ‘Fight.‘ Some people are just optimists who believe that if a relationship is right, things will just fall into place in the end. Your husband may be one of these people. He may know that this will likely work out without him needing to do anything because, at the end of the day, you love each other. For some people, that is all that is required.

He May Be Dealing With Something Else: When people exhibit drastic changes in behavior, this is sometimes an indication that they are under stress. Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure at his job. Sometimes, people will focus on the stressor that caused the change in behavior in the first place rather than focusing on the fall out from the change in that behavior.

Your Options Moving Forward: You may wonder where you go from here. Well, you have to ask yourself what you really want. You could try this strategy a little longer and see if he comes to any realizations or if you notice any behavioral changes. Or, you could tell him the truth which is that you miss him and that, although you very much want to see him adjust his social schedule, you never wanted to officially separate. Instead, you just thought a break might help both of you gain some perspective about how you are approaching your marriage. His response might tell you more about what he is truly thinking and feeling.

You could try: “I’m a little disappointed that you did not have a stronger reaction to being asked to leave and that you didn’t reign in going out all of the time. I know it was wrong of me to ask you to move out in order to get you to change. But I wasn’t sure what else to do. I don’t want a separation, but I do want for you to stay home more. Is there any way that we can compromise without us having to live apart?”

His response may tell you more than his lack of “fight” does. Not everyone is going to react in the same way. But when you ask him directly, his words might tell you more than his current lack of actions.