Synchronized Skating Disclaimer:
I in no way bear any malice towards synchronized skating or those who love it. I don’t have any grudges nor was I ever in any way mistreated by any individual or organization affiliated with synchronized skating.
It’s just that you people scare the %$#&!!! out of me!
You are all so close together and you all move in one huge high speed mass. I feel like Captain Picard under attack from the Borg Cube. No one hears you scream in space.
Lone Wolf Me
With the exception of a few skaters, mostly senior national team members, I don’t like it when people get too close to me on the ice; it seldom ends well, more often than not in a tangle of bodies. Many years ago, I ended up underneath a screaming 7-year old whose skate blade made a substantial gash in my right quadriceps when she unexpectedly changed directions and stepped into my path. She got a bad scare and I couldn’t walk for a week. Worse still was the verbal abuse I got from the child’s father when I carried her over to him. If I hadn’t held onto her as we went down, she would have hit her head on the ice and been seriously injured.
Even back in the days when I did only ice dance, I really didn’t mind practicing by myself and besides, with most of the compulsory dances, you are not moving all that quickly, so if something happens you just let go of each other.
But in synchronized skating… if I was in the middle, there would be no escape! From my perspective, it would be like being caught in the Matrix with no telephone in sight! There’s a reason why I do individual sports: too many people confuse me. I also tend to be a non-conformist. Whenever everyone looks to the right, I always seem to be looking to the left… if everybody is wearing the same dress, then that unreasonable small voice in my head cries out in alarm, “Beware the clone troopers”…. I realize I am also wearing the same dress and have become one of them/you/the collective… resistance was futile… I have been assimilated.
My All-too-Brief Career in Synchronized Skating
To be fair, I actually did try it once as part of my Level One coaching course. We all started out by doing the choreography on our own, not holding on to anyone. You could tell who the single skaters, were we were the ones that were out on the periphery, away from the main peloton. We repeated tho whole sequence of steps, this time with speed.
When it finally came time to do the whole thing holding hands and/or shoulders, it was probably the most terrifying thing I have ever done on skates. I managed to position myself on the corner of the trailing edge and for the most part kept up with the group until almost the very end on a high speed series of mohawks.
Somehow, relative to the pack, I zigged when I should have zagged and before I knew it, found myself parallel to the ice and three feet up in the air. I had a bad feeling about this. And it did not end well. Fortunately, I already had an osteopath appointment scheduled for a few days later and François was able to move my coccyx back down to where it was supposed to be.
Riding the wave
But fortunately for the growing numbers of adult synchronized skaters, you have all quite nicely avoided my emotional baggage and adult synchro is growing more popular every year. I love watching you, from a distance. No, not because I am afraid of you, but because the beauty of all the formations and patterns is only ever appreciated when you can see the whole thing created on the canvas of the ice.
I like that, when someone does stumble, there always seems to be a helping hand from somewhere to get them back on their feet as quickly as possible. Plus you get to travel on buses together, your team manager worries about travel plans, you make an awful lot of noise cheering for each other and in general just seem to have tons of fun together… and I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ugly synchronized skating dress.
Have I missed anything? Adult synchronized skating lovers, what is it you love about it? How many references to science fiction movies can I make in one article?
