In this article on relationship advice, I want to talk about the benefits of making time for an argument.

Are you unable to have arguments and resolve them without falling out with each other?

This is in some ways an easier exercise, in that you just have to argue from your own point of view. However, it is also a bit more risky, in that the argument could get out of hand, and if you are in the habit of having fierce or bitter arguments already, this exercise may not be for you. Alternatively, if you are prone to fierce arguments, but really want to change things, you could try the exercise, but agree that if it gets too heated you could ‘call time’ and go to separate rooms to cool down.

Arguments can be healthy for the couple

Every couple from time to time gets into arguments, and for most it is a necessary way to express their differences and hopefully resolve them. Thus arguments are not a disaster to be avoided, but a healthy way of interacting which can make the relationship interesting and lively. Problems arise because sometimes you say things which cannot be taken back, and this may sour the relationship to the extent that you might even think of separation.

Even when arguments don’t reach this level of destructiveness, there is always the risk that things may get out of hand, and for this reason many couples try to avoid them altogether.

Deciding to have an argument

In much relationship counseling work it has been found that in many couples, especially those who have a very bland and polite relationship, a healthy argument can clear the air, and we actually encourage couples to have arguments in the session in the presence of the therapist. They are asked to choose trivial topics to argue about. This is for a good reason: if a serious topic is chosen, there is a risk that the argument will raise issues which threaten the stability of the relationship, and expose, for example, differences on religion or education which might be insoluble.

Choose a trivial topic

If you decide to try this approach, you should find something that you disagree about, but which is not too serious, and which you can allow to rumble on without real harm coming to the relationship. An example might be the toothpaste tube. Almost all couples have their differences about this, one partner favoring squeezing it from the bottom, and the other either not minding or preferring to squeeze it from the middle.

Another one might be what to do about dirty clothes. One partner might prefer them to be put in a laundry basket or a special place in the bathroom, while the other may feel that the bedroom floor is the best place until something can be done about washing them. The two topics that I have suggested are both essentially trivial (although I recognize that for some people these areas are more important than they might be for others) and they are usually capable of bearing two different points of view.