Parents never leave the hospital with their brand new babies and think to themselves, “I need to have a punishment plan for my child.” Nevertheless, as time goes on, parents find that sometimes things don’t go perfectly, and children don’t always act with complete obedience, and so they do more punishing of their children than they would like to be doing. This tends to wear out even the best of parents, but the issue is not one of punishment, but rather one of discipline.
The role of a parent is to teach their children how to live and act so that they are safe, healthy, growing in knowledge and skill, and being equipped with all of the opportunities to live independent lives one day. This doesn’t happen overnight, but happens only with time and careful attention to consistency and purpose. Parents must train their children how to do this, just as an athlete trains for a race. Training involves demonstration, repetition, correction, and encouragement. It’s a process. For many parents, the toughest one on that list is correction because it tends to become punitive and shows up as punishment rather than discipline.
Punishment is about the negative outcome while discipline is focused on the preventative steps. If a child is trained well, they will understand the goal, have seen the methods or ways in which to be successful, and they will be expected to repeat that process of doing it. They will also understand that if they make a mistake, there may be some consequences (discipline), but those consequences are not meted out in anger or frustration. They are merely the result of an action. But this type of discipline comes from a perspective of desired growth for the child, just as a coach would ask the athlete to repeat the drill or to stay for an extra practice to increase their abilities. Discipline is designed to redirect the actions towards the desired goal.
Punishment, however, tends to be meted out in anger. It is reactive and not gentle. It’s filled with emotion that makes a point (such as, “You failed!”) rather than pointing towards a goal (such as, “How can you do this better next time?”) Punishment is retaliatory in nature because the child interrupted the parent’s plans or activities. Punishment can focus on what the parent wants at that moment, such as peace and quiet, not to be interrupted, not to be embarrassed, etc.
The challenge for parents is to be aware of the training that they are doing. They need to know the goals for their children. Having a family vision statement to be focused on is important to the life and faith of each family. Once that is in place, like coaches, parents need to be consistent and intentional about the training plan. They need to remember to demonstrate the skills they want their children to know, practice the skills with them, repeat them again, and as necessary, redirect the attentions towards the goals that are important for each child’s overall welfare.
