Is viewing adult web sites a form of infidelity if you are married? Or is it a relatively harmless diversion for broad-minded people? Does spending time in fantasy encounters or engaging in behavior of an imaginary nature no different than a one-night stand or a long-term love affair make you a cheating spouse? Does the absence of an actual, physical partner make this behavior more acceptable? Could the use of adult web sites be a sign not only of infidelity but a of other personal and marital problems?

Before the Internet and other digital technologies, obtaining and viewing adult material was largely a fringe activity, pursued discreetly in movie theaters and bookstores, or via mail order. While magazines featuring women and men in various stages of undress have been available on newsstands and by subscription since the 1950’s, today’s Internet delivers an inexhaustible volume of far more explicit material catering to every conceivable taste within a few keystrokes, usually at little or no cost. Addiction or use of adult websites is now cited as a reason for irreconcilable differences in divorce proceedings.

There are several reasons why adult website use is a form of infidelity:

First, the sharing of your desire and affection outside of marriage is wrong – even if the objects of your desire don’t actually exist. The simple act of coveting someone not your spouse, which is inherent in adult visual stimulation, should give pause to those who hold traditional religious views.

Second, the very act of secrecy makes it wrong. There are certainly areas of a married person’s life which remain personal, such as unspoken thoughts, avocations, even friendships. But would you be embarrassed by sharing your hobbies with your spouse, or introducing your spouse to your friends? Unless you and your spouse share adult material together, which some might consider open-minded and others a symptom of dysfunction, your use of adult websites is probably not something you would be pleased to have your spouse know.

Third, how likely is it that you will stop at imaginary relationships and pursue the real thing? Adult websites, like other ‘slippery slopes’, can serve as a ‘gateway drug’ for infidelity. Like the flirtatious ‘dinner date’ with a co-worker you don’t mention to your spouse or hanging out regularly in strip clubs, placing yourself in situations where unfaithfulness is easy increases the risk of temptation.

Finally, adult website use is a more insidious in the damage it does to your marriage and yourself. Immersion in fantasy worlds of any kind for long periods of time is unhealthy. The same could be said of people obsessed with the lives of movie stars and celebrities. But imaginary romantic and physical encounters de-personalizes intimacy and sets unreal expectations for appearance and intimate performance. Movies, adult or not, are not real and the characters depicted are stylized. Adult websites set weird and unreal physical and behavioral standards which are impossible, and not necessarily desirable, to achieve in real life.

Worse, like any drug addiction, frequenting adult web sites set ever higher thresholds for satisfaction. Addicts lose interest in real intimacy and genuine relationships, which come with their own real-world complexities and imperfections. While you’re engaging in fantasy, the rich, complex personality of your partner is obscured. While you’re sharing your fantasy man or woman with millions of other partners around the world, you’re losing precious time exploring and enjoying the unique person you married.

If you find yourself deriving intimate satisfaction outside your marriage through use of adult websites, you are a cheating spouse. If you want to halt the damage you are doing to yourself and your marriage, there are resources, such as books and counseling that can put you on the road to recovery.