Narcissism is one of the most prevalent personality problems that we are hearing about in the media today. With high profile divorces such a Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, we have an example of a diagnosed form of Narcissism. Peter Cook was diagnosed with the disorder during the course of their divorce and has since then exhibited his narcissistic traits post-divorce by bringing the media in to a battle that is long ago finished.

What we see in a person that has narcissistic traits or a diagnosed personality disorder is arrogance and preoccupation with themselves and their needs. The desire to be seen as important, powerful and superior to other people is one that requires quenching at every turn. They seek out people that put them on a pedestal and revere their presence and intelligence. When those same people no longer view them in this way, they dispose of them and move on to the next person. In order to receive the praise from people that they crave and desire, they are manipulative and will often tell lies about what they have accomplished, who they are and what they will or can be capable of achieving. For those people that the narcissist sees as being “lower” or “less valuable” than they are, the narcissist will treat them with disdain. The need to control people that are around them is important to the narcissist.

Typically, when a narcissist is enraged or feels disrespected, they will make false statements, spread rumors to help them regain that sense of control that they have lost which helps them to feel superior to the person that has disrespected them. That need or driving force to feel or be seen as superior is important to the narcissist.

Narcissists tend to engage in an activity called “gaslighting”. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. It is an insidious form of abuse and it makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. It often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.

There are numerous gaslighting techniques, which can make it difficult to identify. These techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn’t want the victim to realize and can be perpetrated by either women or men. Some of them are:

1.”Withholding” is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions.

2. Another gaslighting technique is “countering”. In this instance an abuser will call into question a victim’s memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

3. “Blocking” and “diverting” are gaslighting techniques in which the abuser changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim’s thoughts and controlling the conversation.

4. “Trivializing”is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren’t important.

5. Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their “wrongdoings” and “misperceptions.”

The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions which creates fear in the victim to bring up any topic at all for fear they are “wrong” about it or don’t remember the situation correctly.

The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim’s keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then “helping” the victim with her “bad memory” find the keys.

Some of the signs and symptoms that you are a victim of “gaslighting” are:

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.

5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.

10. You have trouble making simple decisions.

11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person; more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

12. You feel hopeless and joyless.

13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.

14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend/ daughter.

15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

If you believe that you are married to or are divorcing a Narcissist, I strongly urge you to seek professional help from a professionally trained psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist.