When someone is arrested for domestic violence (CDV) in South Carolina pursuant to a violation of S.C. Code 16-25-10 they will be taken before a Magistrate for the setting of bond. Bond is more than money that must be posted or guaranteed for release, it also may include other restrictions determined by the Court to be necessary to protect those involved in the defendant’s case. Bond is set in misdemeanor cases and in South Carolina’s felony domestic violance offense of CDVHAN.

In a South Carolina domestic violence cases a routine requirement set by the Bond Court is that the defendant is to have no contact with the alleged victim in his case. This requirement may be included even in cases where the defendant and alleged victim are married, have children or live together. Further this requirement may be put in place even in situations where it is not requested, or was even opposed by the alleged victim. This “no contact” provision is designed to remain in place until the conclusion of the defendant’s case. An unfortunate result may be that defendant’s will be pressured into pleading guilty just to end the Court’s no contact order.

Police departments around South Carolina regularly follow up on CDV arrests to ensure that the Court’s no contact bond order is being complied with. In cases where it is being violated the defendant can face contempt of court sanctions. In many cases the penalty will be a return to jail until the case is over (this may be 30 days or more).

It is important to know that the bond restrictions do not apply to the alleged victim. This means that there is nothing the Court will do to stop them from initiating contact with the defendant, but if contact is made the defendant is the one who faces a return to jail. No contact bond violations don’t have to be violated by physical contact. Other ways include e-mail, phone, mail or initiating contact through third parties.

In order to have the no contact provision lifted prior to the conclusion of the case it is necessary to obtain a specific Court order modifying the bond. Typically this will require the filing of a formal motion and for the Court to schedule a hearing.

Another side effect of the no contact provision can be the impact it has on possession of a shared residence. If the alleged victim lives with the defendant, even in the defendant’s own home, the defendant will not be allowed to return as long as the alleged victim is present. Further the criminal Court will not have jurisdiction to order the alleged victim to vacate – which may require the defendant to seek an eviction from the local Magistrate’s Court. The eviction process may take two weeks or more to conclude – during which time the alleged victim is allowed to remain in possession of the residence with no obligation to pay rent or the utility bills.

If you are confused about Sudan and South Sudan, then join the club! We in Africa, even right next door to Sudan and its new neighbor South Sudan, a new nation created only three years ago, are often baffled by the strange happenings that are only hinted at in sporadic, obscure, and bizarre press accounts.

Clearly, part of the deeper problem with the Sudan crisis is that the world’s media is covering it without the resources they would devote to a human tragedy of this size in Europe, Asia, Africa, or the Americas. Sadly, we are inured to Africans dying by the thousands, and it just doesn’t generate headlines. It is likely, according to UN officials, that thousands are already dead in South Sudan, but no one has hard numbers for a body count.

Though much blood has already been spilled in South Sudan, things got much worse in the last ten days. The focus of the violence has fallen more and more on civilians. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has ordered something like 7,000 international police and military to be added to a similar number already stationed in the area around Juba, but this may not be enough to counter the forces of the two South Sudanese factions fighting for the supremacy of the two principal South Sudan political heavyweights, Salva Kiir and his former collaborator and political ally Riek Machar. United Nations human rights officials on the ground have said that there is no cease-fire in sight. Until Kiir or Machar wins decisively, the conflicts and deaths will continue.

An oversimplified (but always helpful!) way to understand the context in which the current violence has erupted in this barren, central-eastern part of Africa is based on ethnicity and religion. There were two steps to the process that created the current mess, the first involving Muslim/Christian conflict that created South Sudan as a new nation in 2011, and now the current conflict, which has arisen solely within South Sudan as competing political figures vie for supremacy.

Back in the days of the old nation of Sudan, by far the largest country in all of Africa before it split up, northern and southern Sudanese often had fights based on religion and ethnicity. The northern Sudanese, who are centered in Khartoum, the magnificent and ancient capital city on the Nile, are largely light-skinned Arab Muslims. The people of southern Sudan are predominantly black African Christians. The Muslims for decades regarded the southerners as second class citizens and did not hesitate to brutalize them. And so it was these black Christians who voted overwhelmingly (98 per cent) to secede from Sudan as a new nation in 2011. This new nation was christened South Sudan.

The broader problems of greater Sudan came to brief public attention in a brilliant spark of explosive world prominence a decade ago, when Hollywood movie stars attempted to focus charitable giving on human misery in Darfur. Actor George Clooney famously lent his own great personal charisma and popularity to raise money for refugees. But then Sudan faded from the news, and now we find that the killing and horror has resumed.

Some three hundred U.S. citizens were evacuated from the city of Bor, capital of Jonglei Province, the geographical focus of instability in South Sudan. Bor is an area of newly discovered oil wealth, and this significantly complicates everything.

Massive, heavy-duty U.S. Navy Osprey aircraft, those magnificent airships that can shift their engines to point skyward when landing so that they function like helicopters, attracted gunfire in the last ten days while attempting to extract fleeing Americans. Meanwhile, thousands of citizens from other Western nations, including Canada, the U.K., and Australia, have elected to stay in South Sudan and tough it out, in the hope that a peace plan can be cobbled together before the violence gets worse. There may be some reason to hope.

The American Secretary of State, John Kerry, has put pressure this week on the administration of President Salva Kiir for a Christmas cease-fire (ironically, the celebration of Christmas used to be banned by the old government in Khartoum), though with mixed results. Fighting continues as I write this, according to most reports. Refugees are fleeing into neighboring countries to the east, mainly Uganda and Ethiopia.

There are reportedly 20,000 displaced persons in Juba, the dusty capital city of South Sudan. The international airport has been closed, perhaps to slow down the tide of departures. There are another 15,000 refugees in Bor. All these people fear for their safety in spite of curfews from sundown to sunrise.

Some back-story may be helpful in coming to an understanding of the new wave of fighting that has escalated so dramatically in the last half of December: President Salva Kiir is the head of the Sudan People Liberation Movement (SPLM), which is the political organization that led South Sudan to independence from Khartoum. Since taking power, even Kiir’s supporters have accused him of becoming despotic and paranoid, and more concerned about his personal wealth and status than he is in providing stable leadership and governance.

Under Kiir’s rule as maximum leader, corruption in southern Sudan has grown far worse than it was when Khartoum was in charge. In a comical incident a few weeks ago, Kiir even asked recalcitrant cronies, some of them cabinet ministers, to hand back cash they had stolen for personal use. The Kiir government, in short, is not governing.

The result is that the war-weary citizens of South Sudan are now perhaps even less happy than they were when Arab Muslim rulers in Khartoum called the shots. Kiir is one of their own, and yet he is oppressing them even more than the Muslims did. This creates anger and frustration.

The violence began almost six months ago in July when Salva Kiir dismissed the whole executive level of his government and shuttered a number of key ministries. But the fighting has grown much worse in the last six weeks, centered in the capital of Juba.

Ten days ago, President Kiir took off his customary black summer-weight business suit in favor of a khaki military uniform, the first time he has appeared in such a costume. It was successful theatre, if not successful in bringing peace and a laying down of arms.

Kiir has blamed his closest political associate, former vice president Riek Machar, another founding member of SPLM and a man of status and charisma equal to Kiir’s, of fomenting a coup d’etat directed against him. Kiir dismissed Machar from office. Riek Machar has now formed military units of his own to wage war against Kiir. Machar may well be an acceptable successor to Kiir, both in the minds of foreigners and the South Sudanese people. Many observers are now betting on Machar.

But it is hard even for seasoned observers in neighboring countries to gauge the true depth of the political split between Kiir and Machar, as they have squabbled before but usually succeeded in becoming pals again. There may be a new factor in the mix, however, which bodes ill for the conflict. This has been the starkly visible deterioration in Kiir’s health, which seems to have manifested itself in bouts of anger, violence, and a terrible ruthlessness against former trusted collaborators.

Salva Kiir’s inability to lead effectively suggests that the conflict will get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, the flood of refugees into Uganda, Kenya, and Ethiopia continues. And the murder of hundreds, perhaps even thousands, continues in urban areas. And many of the remaining Europeans, taking a sign from the Americans, are packing their bags to depart for London, Paris, and Sydney to await better, safer days in Africa.

“When I tell you ‘no,’ you wear me down until I tell you ‘yes.’ And then I wonder what I’m doing with you, because deep down inside I know I’m not happy.” Sound familiar?

Domestic violence survivors tell me that they frequently have no say in couple’s decisions. Instead, they have a routine charade of “getting her consent” when the fact is what she really does is give up on holding her own.

One-Way Decisions in Abusive Relationships

The push-pull becomes so unpleasant that pursuing her wishes costs more in turmoil than not having her wishes fulfilled in the first place. She becomes practiced in the path of least resistance.

It is not even about compromising. It’s more about keeping his battering or whining at bay. And then one day she wakes up and realizes that she no longer knows what she wants. She has grown to push it away…to shield herself from wanting in the first place.

It is the way she copes with realizing that if she doesn’t buy into his wishes, then “all hell will break out.” So, she becomes preoccupied in her efforts to appease him so as to avoid the conflict.

Decision Dynamics in Abusive Relationships

What she has been conditioned to do, over time, is to make compromises to keep a lid on her partner. Her flexibility and willingness to compromise are not in the interest of the relationship. To the contrary, giving in as she does is actually detrimental to any relationship in the long run.

While it does make for immediate peace, eventually the decision dynamics of abusive relationships become solidified. Suddenly, it is clear that there is one person voting on options that mutually affect each party. This unilateral decision dynamic becomes the foundation by which all choices within the relationship are made.

Breaking the Cycle and Casting Your Vote

How dare me to even suggest that you can wake up one day and cast your vote. Right? I’m certain that if you have been in an abusive relationship, you have forgotten how to vote, much less what you’d vote for anyway.

This unilateral decision-making relationship pattern can only be broken by addressing the dynamics from two ends-her part and his part. It is critical that both parties engage in a process to successfully over-haul these ingrained abusive dynamics.

Can it be done? Yes…if, and only if, both individuals care more about the union of their relationship than getting the other person to embrace their perspective or keeping peace dysfunctionally.

If you are in an abusive relationship characterized by this unilateral decision process, then you will want to know about the dynamics of abusive relationships and how to break the insidious cycle of intimate partner abuse. You will amaze yourself at how you feel as you begin to live your life from your shoes, as well as from his.

“The Art of Fighting Without Fighting: Techniques In Personal Threat Evasion” by Geoff Thompson is a good little book on how to deal with conflict without becoming physical. It’s written by a man, Thompson, who’s had a fair amount of fighting and violence in his life, and then some. Through the years of sweat and blood, and teaching others physical means to defend themselves, Thompson has come to realize (as many of us in the fighting, martial art, and self-defense arenas do) that there really is a better way than cracking skulls and bashing heads. We can avoid the physical violence altogether. That’s what this short book is about. Thompson says it took him nine years of constant violence and many more of soul-searching to realize that violence is not the answer. Maybe this book will shorten the learning curve for many readers. I sure hope so.

The title, obviously taken from the famous scene in “Enter the Dragon” where Bruce Lee describes his style as the art of fighting without fighting, and when the instigator insists on learning more of this style, Lee tricks him into getting into a smaller boat from the larger one they are on and sets him adrift, thus “winning” without fighting. That’s what Thompson shares here. Way to win without actually going physical.

After a short introduction, there are five chapters. Avoidance, Escape, Verbal Dissuasion, Posturing, and Restraint. Throughout these chapters, Thompson shares excellent advice, personal stories, and various strategies to to resolve situations without going physical. To beat someone with guile rather than force.

I don’t totally agree with Thompson’s chapter on Restraint. I will give him that sometimes restraining a person is not as easy as some would want you to believe, but I also have restrained people and don’t think it is as “dodgy” as Thompson says. It really does depend on the situation and the person doing the restraining. I do agree with him that trying to restrain one person by yourself when he has friends can be suicide. You don’t want to be tied up with a person and have his buddies take it too you.

I liked Thompson’s discussion on the flight instinct, and how we can train ourselves and our students to overcome this natural instinct when perhaps running away is not in our best interests. And I really liked how he talked about ego and not letting your ego get you into trouble.

Anyone who is into “fighting” should read this book. Might keep a person or two out of trouble or from being hurt or killed by continuing down that path. Those that don’t want to engage in physical encounters should read this book too. There is some great advice on avoiding violence in this little gem of a book.

Every human being seeks happiness, even if happiness may be something different for each of us. When babies are born, they all intuitively cry when hurt and smile when loved or pampered. Some of them later choose pain over pleasure. Why?

Children’s natural instincts lead them to loving and caring.

When a child is born, the kid’s natural and intuitive response to loving gestures and affection is a positive one while the response in case of pain or neglect is crying and sadness. This is the natural response in all children, no matter what their origin, ethnic group or social class. Most of them will also treat those around them the same way they are treated themselves. If love is what they get, love is what they give. Unless something terrible happens, children grow up responding the same way, loving others first. Unfortunately, that is not always like that. Some children are exposed to certain experiences in their early years that teach them to treat other human beings some other ways.

When children hear threats and see physical dominance as a regular part of their days, such behaviors can become the norm, the example to imitate and copy. If their role models usually insult, criticize or make fun of others, that is what they will learn and aspire to do. They will slowly change their innate reactions by gradually convincing themselves that their reality is as should be, even if their innermost feelings seem to contradict what they see others doing. Little by little, the first impulses that lead those children to smiling and loving when being smiled at and loved, dwindle and change because their experience teaches them that those reactions are not OK. By observing those around them, those whose behavior is their example, they start controlling their intuitive responses and adopt new ones that are more similar to the ones they observe in their immediate environment.

Most abusers and bullies learn their behaviour from their elders.

Unless there is an alternative behavior to make them question what they see, many of those children will take the example they have in front of them to be the norm. They will consider abusing others the logical way to be adults. They will understand relationships to require a violent, aggressive discourse. They will expect submission from others if they are to be what they should. Some will adopt the opposite view, true; that of the victim or victims, the only second role they witness in their early years. In this case, they might grow to display similar behaviors, too.

By the time those children are exposed to other models, their early beliefs are already established and strengthened. It will not be until they are much older that the other alternatives become visible or accessible to them. By then, they will reject them because their convictions are already quite firm. They will reproduce their learned behavior and step on others to gain admiration or preponderance, without even considering that there could be a different way. Let’s not forget that, to them, that is the norm.

Most bullies, abusers, tyrants and racists are created this way. They only follow the lead they had in their early years. Unquestioned in their convictions for quite a few years, they were never really given a different chance.

Society needs to offer children alternative role models to change learned patterns of abuse.

If society is to change, if violence and aggression are to become the exception instead of the norm, alternative roles should be present in all children’s early years. If negative role models are to be overruled, more positive ones need to be experienced to offer those children the opportunity to question the first ones. Only by making a general, society-wide effort will we be able to uproot those deep, engrained beliefs that travel from generation to generation and perpetuate violence against other, weaker human beings.

Where an abusive parent displays dominance, a young child should be exposed to loving, respectful parents in other families. When witnessing a harsh, critical, insulting discourse, the child should hear others treating their equals with love and respect, maybe from those around, to counterbalance the model the child has. When an adult abuses other weaker ones, the child should also see how other adults protect the victim and question the abuser. Only then will our society change; when those little children whose beliefs are being settled now are given the chance to adopt and preserve their natural instincts to love, support and care for others, like they first felt upon birth.

It’s time to stop the dissemination of abusive roles.

Abuse and violence will not be eradicated by policies, rules or laws. They will not be eliminated from society by treatments and therapies. The only real way is through education, by offering our youngest alternative models that will prevent them from replicating destructive and aggressive behaviors. The effort needed is a global, society-wide one. No adult should look the other way in the presence of children when inappropriate behaviors are displayed. No adult should laugh when others are being ridiculed or made fun of. All adults should make it their goal to share positive and respectful relationships so that little witnesses are given a chance to adopt them, too.

No violence should be fought with greater violence. There’s no need for that. If we consider that all human beings are born to enjoy being loved and cared for, why not make it a world movement to prevent as many children as possible from changing their beliefs just by offering them an alternative? That’s all it takes, really. When societies publicly display that powerful message of support and care, most children will be exposed to it. It’s time to stop looking the other way or to enjoy the show. It’s time to lead our younger generations in a more positive direction.

Enjoy life… ALL of it,

The Narcissist’s Playbook

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

Over the many years that I’ve been engaged in the field of narcissistic abuse recovery I have discovered something remarkable; narcissists far and wide seem to be operating from the same playbook. I don’t know who wrote it, when it was written or where a copy could be found, but it must exist because evidence shows time and time again that narcissists are the most unoriginal beings on the planet. They all do and say the same things.

Narcissists may appear human, may even act human, but they actually have more in common with undomesticated animals and insects than they do humankind. Like creatures of the wild they live their lives in survival mode; predators with no empathy on a perpetual hunt for vulnerable prey. And just as a lion on the prowl the execution of victim capturing may vary in detail, but the method of devouring the prey is always the same.

The survivors’ stories told to me are outrageous; believable only by those who have experienced the like. Survivors justifiably believe their experience is unique and that their abusers are more deviant than most. The word “malignant” is often used to preface the word “narcissist” because narcissism alone doesn’t seem to adequately describe the horror they’ve experienced.

Any experience had as a victim of narcissistic abuse is truly horrific. And while malignant narcissism does exist, it is rarely applicable to the average situation. Narcissists destroy their targets through mind-games. Malignant narcissists maim and murder. It doesn’t get any worse than that. Victims of malignant narcissists rarely survive to tell their story.

The patterns of narcissistic abuse, whether parental, spousal, romantic, work related or otherwise are so predictable I could tell everyone’s story before they tell me, though I don’t because that is not what survivors want or need from me. They desperately need to be heard, validated and supported-often for the first time ever. And they need a road map for recovery.

As horrendous and outrageous the stories are, as brilliant and powerful each narcissist is perceived, they are all versions of the same and all seemingly out of the same playbook. They are brilliant in the sense that they can calculate a complex campaign of abuse stretching out days, weeks, months and years in milliseconds. And they are powerful in their ability to intimidate and control, though that power is only effective with those who are under their spell. Once the veil is lifted and they are exposed for who they are they become powerless. It doesn’t seem that way because losing control over an emotional hostage incites a merciless vengeance that knows no bounds. There are no depths in which a vengeful narcissist will not stoop. But the pattern of vengeance seemingly follows a playbook as well. Again, largely unoriginal.

Narcissists are the most destructive beings on the planet. They seek to destroy every life they intimately touch. Survivors of this abuse have much to overcome in returning their upside down reality back to a healthy functioning one. Given the proper support and guidance, full recovery is absolutely possible.

It may seem that narcissists move on in life with nary a scratch while survivors are left to pick up the shattered remains of their nearly decimated lives. But like every other aspect of narcissistic abuse, that perception is illusory. Narcissists exist in a tormented, perpetual purgatory of their own doing from which they can never escape. Survivors have the ability to heal, become even better versions of themselves, and move on to live happy lives.

The power transfers once survivors gain access to the narcissist’s playbook. The playbook is elementary; anyone can learn it. The most difficult aspect of this education, one that feels totally unnatural to tenderhearted survivors, is the development of the shrewd, discerning character required to take their personal power back. Once done the rest is child’s play.

I’ve been in several long-term relationships in my 40 something years, and I was always the one who made the decision to leave. It wasn’t always abuse that caused me to leave but normally it had to do with my asking the question “Why am I here?”

Relationships, to me, should be something that enhances our lives and adds to it, much as icing adds to a cake. We shouldn’t expect a relationship to be the whole cake and fulfill our every need, but there are some needs we naturally look to a relationship to fill; a need for intimacy, sexual expression, caring, nurturing and companionship.

I learned long ago it isn’t healthy to rely on one person too heavily, but in an interdependent relationship we develop a healthy dependency on each other.

When I asked myself the question “Why am I here” I normally concluded that I was in that relationship more out of a sense of duty or obligation than out of choice.

Tina Turner has a song called “What’s Love Got To Do With It!” We may think we are staying in a relationship for love, but often love has very little do to with why we stay. In fact sometimes we show the greatest love, for ourselves and others by making the decision to leave a relationship that is no longer working.

We are well into the new millennium where our society supports divorce and short-term relationships, so we don’t need to stay in a bad marriage because we took the oath of “till death do you part.” I have come to understand this vow to mean “till the death of the union rather than the death of one of the parties.” What would be the benefit of waiting around for someone to die, especially if the union is already dead? If the positive qualities that brought us together are no longer present, it would seem either both parties commit to changing things or dissolve the relationship.

My answer to the question “why am I here” was normally because I was a coward and afraid to leave. There were financial reasons, a child, obligation or the most important “fear of flying on my own.” The reasons really had nothing to do with that relationship contributing to my life in a positive way. On the contrary, by this time it was usually depleting my life by the sheer energy expenditure it required to stay in the illusion of a relationship.

In my relationships with narcissistic partners I considered leaving many times before I actually did. There were times I separated for a short time and found myself absorbed back into the relationship by some unseen force. There was always a bond I interpreted as love that seemed to stick me like glue to the relationship on some deep soul level. Leaving was hardly an option because it would have required a crow bar to pry the bond lose. It felt like we were Siamese twins not knowing what part belonged to me and what part belonged to him.

Since narcissistic lovers have no real boundaries our relationship with these charismatic charmers are more like a complete fusion of souls. When he was not in my life it felt like a piece of my soul was missing so to leave him was like leaving a piece of my soul behind. My tendency was to romanticize this all powerful bond and develop a belief that we somehow belonged together. Yet, intuitively I always knew I was better off without him. He never took any of the emotional responsibility in the relationship. He was always right and I was always the one to blame, for everything. I served an important purpose in his life because without me who would he project all of his deep seated inadequacies upon? It only made sense that my feelings of inadequacy only deepened in the relationship. My former self-image as a strong, capable, loving and caring woman slowly eroded to where I was now only a shadow of my former self. Meanwhile his confidence seemed to be increasing. His life was improving! He was realizing his dreams while mine were falling apart. What was wrong with this picture? Was I really that flawed?

The conclusion was that there was a severe lack of balance in this union and I was being negatively affected by it. It was usually too confusing to sort it all out within the relationship so the only choice was to leave. In both my narcissistic relationships I told myself that if the love was real it would endure, even through a separation. After all true love prevails, right?

Yet both times I left the relationship the truth that I had been hiding from rose to the surface of my awareness like a tsunami. As long as I was towing the line in the relationship and being a good little girl, agreeable and nice, all was relatively calm. But when I dared to question the integrity of the relationship and take back my power all hell broke lose. How dare I! How dare I be strong and capable and take back my power! He was thriving on my power! The part I was giving to him! He was feeling all powerful and I was feeling powerless! So to take back my power would mean upsetting his fragile balance. He would have to punish me by showing me just how expendable I was; how unnecessary I was and how downright useless I was.

The shock for me came in realizing just how little love was really ever there. If this man really ever loved me, why would he treat me like this? Why would he go out of his way to show me how little I mattered to him? Why would he wait until this moment, the moment I decide to take myself back, to show me how he really feels about me? And the big question is “Why did I doubt myself all those years, somehow believing he really cared?” How many years have I wasted? What would have happened if I just left, way back when I started having those intuitive inklings?

Now I work with so many women who tell me “but I love him! We have such a powerful bond. I can’t leave! I can’t get away! I can’t stop thinking about him!” I remember those feelings all too well! What is it about this man that makes me want to stay, even knowing how it’s killing me on the deepest levels?

It is like a death to leave! And it’s also a rebirth! I feel in these kinds of situations that we so unconsciously merge with this narcissistic being that we lose ourselves in the union that was created. We forget ourselves in it! We surrender ourselves completely to this entity and yet there is this little voice inside of us that tells us if we don’t get out we will die here. And this is the truth. We do die there! It may not be a physical death, at least not right away, but it is a slow cancerous erosion of ourselves that results in the complete loss of the being we once were. We sacrifice ourselves little by little to this man who feeds on our energy, who power trips on his superiority and reminds us of our inferiority even if subtly. We give our power to keep the peace and mostly to keep the illusion that we are in a loving relationship.

When we are just a fragile little shell, how much power can we muster to start our lives over without him? We have built our lives and our dreams around him. He had become our reason for living. We would have died for him! Oh…we are dying for him.

Does he have us right where he wants us? Powerless! Insecure! Fragile! Afraid! Financially dependent! Oh yes!

When we are without our power he has control which equals security in his life. When we leave he goes through an initial period of hostility or rejection of us, and maybe an attempt or two to reel us back in and put us back where we belong. But once we leave it is really hard to go back to that place. We have tasted freedom and it is bittersweet. We crave what we have always craved; his love and his positive affirmation of us. But we know we can never get it! Not really! He may affirm us temporarily to get us back into our place, but that is all. Or he may not want to waste any more energy on us at all and simply find a suitable or “better” replacement. We see him parade his beautiful new love before us reminding us just how little we ever mattered to him and how easily we can be replaced and we feel our own worthlessness.

Oh to be her, the new woman. We are reminded of how it was in the beginning when we could do no wrong. We remember how he rushed into our lives and fulfilled our every dream restoring our faith in love. Before the fall! And this is what we see when we look at her. She is us, before the fall! She is still in the glory days and we are in the dark night of the soul. It doesn’t quite seem fair.

No matter how hard we try we could never recapture those moments when the love was fresh and new. Too much has happened! The trust is gone! We are gone and we have to face the truth that it was never real! It was false love built on an illusion. Sure he may have believed in the illusion at the beginning too. He may not have been pretending. It might have seemed real to him way back when. But when the illusion cracks it exposes the truth and those who don’t want to face the truth go running.

In any healthy relationship there comes a time when the initial romance of a new love gives way to true love, which is built on honest, open communication and caring. It is built on honor and respect of the other and a commitment to working on oneself as well as the relationship. Those who believe a relationship is going to come riding into their lives like a knight on a white horse and sweep them off their feet are in for a fall. True love isn’t something we fall into. It is something that grows with mutual trust and commitment. If we are with immature partners there is no hope for real love unless they have a personal commitment to growing up.

The problem with narcissistic individuals is they just don’t see themselves as they really are. They don’t believe they need to grow up. They believe you are the one who is immature and you are the one who has the problems. So there is really no hope for change. Our leaving doesn’t give the message that they should maybe do some self-reflection. On the contrary! Our leaving only confirms that we have a problem and they need to find someone better so they don’t have to be victims of our abuse any longer.

I believe the key to leaving an abusive relationship is to simply make your mind up to leave and give the details to God. Whenever I decided to leave things just happened to get me out of there. It wasn’t pretty, or easy, but it did accomplish the task. So if you are waiting for an easy way, you may be waiting a long time. Breaking these seductive negative emotional bonds is often the hardest thing you will ever do, yet it is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

So I tell my clients to gather all their strength from all four corners of the earth, make a decision to leave and do it! Just do it! Get yourself out of there. If you doubt yourself than tell yourself the same thing I did. If the love is true it will endure this separation. It usually ends up being a lie we tell ourselves but whatever works.

Surround yourself with friends and support groups to help you to make this transition. You don’t have to do it alone. There are plenty of people out there going through this same thing.

Living in a house where your mother is a narcissist is never easy to acknowledge. They hide under a facade of someone else. They pretend someone better, a successful parent to the outside world. But the drama and real abuse happen behind the closed doors.

Abused teenager suffers from emotional pain, shame, disrespect where they feel unworthy and guilty for who they are. They have no right to shine up and grow up with dignity as an independent human being.

It is especially visible when a girl is entering the puberty stage. That is why narcissistic mother treats her daughter in a more cruel way than her son.While her daughter transforms into a woman, her mother gets threatened by her youth and potential. Then, she becomes very jealous, possessive and abusive. She treats her as the extensions of herself.

Why? She realizes that she is getting older! She realizes that she lost great life opportunities, great relationships and she deals with her own past abuse. Her daughter reminds her of the painful truth about her own life. She is a threat to her and she blames her for sacrificing her life to stay-at-home mom.

That is why jealousy is coming up to the surface. She must jump at any chance to take out all her accumulated rage on her. She finds a temporary release of her low self-esteem and feelings of failure.

Through her abuse, she damages her daughter’s self-esteem and self-worth. That is why she is unable to develop to her full potential and happiness. The hidden message to her is that “you have no right to be happy, free, be beautiful and successful”.

She experiences her harsh criticism, manipulations, shaming, and humiliation to her female body parts. It creates more havoc and more self-doubt in her young mind. She is burdened with toxic, limiting beliefs and negative emotions.

After so much abuse, her daughter gives up and accept for who she believes she became. Narcissistic mother feels released and much better about herself. Her growing up kid is not a threat to her for this moment until the next emotional threat appears. Then, the cycle of abuse will take place all over again.

No one can accept that type of treatment. A young daughter feels furious and rebel may take place. Narcissistic mother hates disagreements and opposition so she will fight to punish her. In her mind, she belongs to her.

What can we do about it? This is a very difficult question when teenager still lives with narcissistic mother.

Many years later, she is ready to face the truth and manage with demonic past with still abusive mom. It is never easy to say ‘NO’ to stop adult abuse. Then, the decision of no-contact is life changing.

It is possible to get free from narcissistic abuse. You need to acknowledge the past and address negative, toxic beliefs and memories. When you do that, it is possible to disconnect and remove traumatic memories and feelings from your mind. Then, essential life force energy will come back to your body and make you free and resilient at ease.

Unfortunately, narcissistic mother never changes. Older, she becomes, mental disorder get stronger and she is more toxic to the people she lives around.

Fixing this person is never an option as it will never be successful. Remember: you will never fix a narcissistic mother but you can save your life.

Martin Luther King, Jr., born January 15, 1929, died April 4, 1968, was the most visible American civil rights leader from 1955 until his assassination. He furthered civil rights through nonviolence, motivated by his Christian beliefs and the peaceful activism of Mahatma Gandhi. We suspect this wise soul incarnated to teach the world about race relations, and so much more, and are grateful for his wisdom. Below we share some of his quotes, which are good reminders for the present too.

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

“Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.”

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

“We may have all come on different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.”

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

“A man dies when he refuses to stand up for that which is right. A man dies when he refuses to stand up for justice. A man dies when he refuses to take a stand for that which is true.”

“Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”

“It is always the right time to do the right thing.”

“Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love.”

“Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly.”

“We must learn that to expect God to do everything while we do nothing is not faith but superstition.”

“Not everybody can be famous but everybody can be great, because greatness is determined by service.”

“Use me, God. Show me how to take who I am, who I want to be, and what I can do, and use it for a purpose greater than myself.”

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

“Let’s build bridges, not walls.”

“This is the great new problem of mankind. We have inherited a large house, a great ‘world house’ in which we have to live together- black and white, Easterner and Westerner, Gentile and Jew, Catholic and Protestant, Muslim and Hindu- a family unduly separated in ideas, culture and interest, who, because we can never again live apart, must learn somehow to live with each other in peace.”

“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.”

“If you can’t be a sun, be a star. For it isn’t by size that you win or fail. Be the best of whatever you are.”

“I still believe that standing up for the truth of God is the greatest thing in the world. This is the end (purpose) of life. The end of life is not to be happy. The end of life is not to achieve pleasure and avoid pain. The end of life is to do the will of God, come what may.”

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The first question to ask yourself before embarking on any self-defence/protection program is – are you willing to use physical violence to defend yourself? This is a yes or no question. When you are in a situation that turns physical you will not have the time to think about the consequences of your actions because any hesitation on your part will result in injury to you and in a matter of seconds the issue can become a matter of life or death. It’s your choice to make and often there are no second chances. If you are not prepared to make the choice of kill or be killed then do not take this route. But don’t rely on others to protect you if you become a victim and get caught out.

Physical violence is a sickening experience sadly, sometimes it is necessary but don’t forget it can also have consequences latter on. I refer to the law and mentally as well. Physical violence should only be embarked upon when all else has failed and is a last resort. The good news is that knowledge is the key. It’s no good knowing the theory If you walk in the middle of the road you will be hit by a car so walk on the side of the road instead obvious. Unless you respond to your new found knowledge with the appropriate action then knowing becomes as useful as not knowing. Skilful application of communication skills and a presence that avoids violence is a much better starting point but you must be ready to fall back on your other physical skills too. Which means, your best weapon is common sense in other words, always use your brain before brawn.

Looking at the many attitudes that I read today, practitioners of the martial arts are starting to seriously question what they are being taught. The question they’re asking; am I really doing self-defence? More and more practitioners want to know why, how, where rather than just following blindly because someone tells them to do something.

I believe, the problem lies in the way the traditional martial arts have been viewed in the past. For example; If you live in a peaceful area and never ventured out into the real world then doing your art as a way of keeping fit or as a sport would be fine. However, if you wanted your art for something more practical bodyguard, security etc. Then looking for a system that will enable you to have the best possible chance of survival in a violent situation would be a wise choice.

Although, finding one may not be easy, because many instructors are only interested or are able to teach young active students. The result, many are discouraged or become disillusioned Women, older people small or weak those very individuals who really need help don’t get it. Therefore, before or if you are thinking of changing to a more street orientated art, you’ll need to seek out someone who has the following characteristics. Here are a few things to check out before you decide where to go.

You need to find someone who is helpful, has a positive attitude and approach to self-defence, preferably who has had real life experience not some young gun who says he holds 5 black belts but no real experience of the types of issues that happen on today’s mean streets. It is a controversial issue but one you must consider if you want to learn self-defence or just a watered down sport, it’s up to you so make your decision pick a side.

Stay Safe.