I so often get emails and comments on my blog from women who feel that their husbands no longer love them or are no longer “in love” with them. These women are rightly worried. They feel a distance and a coldness in their marriage and they sense that their husbands have checked out. Women often intuitively know that this leaves their marriage very vulnerable to outside stressors that could seriously damage or eventually even end it. So often, I hear comments like “We are more like brother and sister than husband and wife,” or “my husband never shows me any affection any more,” or “my husband tunes me out,” or “I don’t think my husband loves me anymore and I’m scared he’s thinking about leaving or getting a divorce.”

I don’t ever tell these women that I think they’re wrong, because if you perceive that your marriage lacks closeness and intimacy, your intuition is likely right. Plus, it’s better to go ahead and be proactive and make things better than to just wait and see what happens. Every marriage can benefit from efforts to improve it. So, in this article, I’ll explain some of the best ways of getting your husband to fall in love with you all over again. Because a marriage in which two people are in love can withstand a lot more than a marriage that has turned cold. And, it’s a healthier, happier and more fulfilling environment for all involved. If your husband is deeply in love with you, his actions are going to ensure that you’re in turn more loving toward him, so it creates a positive cycle in which everyone’s needs are getting met.

Why Husbands Fall Out Of Love: But first things first. I need for you to understand what makes a man “fall in love” with his wife and what can also cause the reverse to happen. Many wives don’t believe me when I say this, but it is true. A man will generally fall in love because of the way you are able to make him feel about himself. When a man sees attraction, appreciation, and respect reflected back at him in his wife’s eyes he feels like he is worthy, desirable, and competent. It has less to do with how you look, or how young you are, or even with your personal appearance than with your enthusiasm and willingness to invest your time and yourself into him and the marriage.

I have interviewed many men who’ve checked out of their marriages in my research and almost all say the same things. I often hear things like “I want my wife to look at me like she did when we were first dating,” or “I am always last on her to-do list,” or “I really want my wife to notice all of the things I do for our family and not just look at me like a pay check.”

Often, when I tell wives this, they are truly shocked, because their husbands don’t indicate any of these things. Typically, instead of saying something like “Honey, could you make some time for me? I miss you,” a husband will remain quiet, become frustrated, and eventually shut down. Unfortunately, husbands are less likely to communicate and express their feelings and more likely to withdraw.

It’s a very difficult cycle. Wives today are very busy struggling to meet the needs of everyone – their children, their husbands, their bosses, their parents, their homes, etc. We often assume our husbands know that we love them and are doing the best we can. Unfortunately, these assumptions can sometimes ruin a marriage.

Getting Him To Fall In Love Again: So, hopefully by now you have a little more insight as to why the marriage may have grown cold. You may not believe me when I say this, but you are actually at a great advantage here. You already know what it takes to get your husband to fall in love with you. Now, you just need to channel the woman that he first feel deeply in love with when you were dating. Yes, you’re older now. Yes, you have more responsibilities. I realize that I’m asking you to put in more time, but the rewards that you will get in return will be worth it.

Understand that, when your husband first fell in love with you, there were several things that went into play. There was the chemistry which came out of all of the time, effort, and affection that you poured into the relationship. There was the positive feelings that you were able to bring out in your husband about himself. And, there was the shared experiences that you enjoyed together. So, all of these things need to be present to bring the original love back again.

Often, a change of scenery is needed. Don’t do the same old boring things with your husband that he’s grown immune to. Create new memories. Shake things up a bit and show him that you know he’s worth your best, most sincere effort.

Why Does I Feel Like I’m Doing All The Work In My Marriage?: Usually at this point, I’ll have wives who say “what you’re saying makes sense, but this isn’t fair. I’m the one who’s doing all the work and making all of the changes. He isn’t doing the same for me.” No, not yet. But, please hear me out.

By giving your husband more of what he wants and needs, you’re bound to get your wants and needs met in return. When you were first deeply in love with this man, did it feel like hard work? Of course it didn’t. You were happy to do things to validate him and lighten his load because you received a pay off too. You saw his happiness and pride when he looked at you, he was nice to be around, and because he was feeling loved, he loved you right back. Please don’t keep score. It will thwart your efforts. Marriage is give and take. And, when you truly love someone, you know that what you give will always come back to you.

Tell me that it wasn’t you in the red Chevy tonight.  Tell me that you would not watch me stand 10 feet away from the car you were in with that female stranger and not acknowledge your Auntie.  And what in the world would make you feel that was OK to do.  What have you done with your life that you think I would be in such disapproval that you would ignore my presence?

My mind is going back 32 years ago when at the age of 17 years old I watched my sister bring home her first child.  My only sister and now my only niece and I was the very proud aunt.  I watched my niece grow and I thought that throughout the years that I had influenced her in a positive way.   Man she was the smartest person that I knew and I was always so proud of her.  Until tonight!  I would never think that she would just blatantly turn her face away from me while I stood like a fool in the parking lot of the donut shop.  Why Why Why is all I keep asking myself.  Maybe embarrassment of being caught doing something that she didn’t want known?  I never experienced the disappointment that I did tonight.  I am not sure other than write this article what else I will do.

This article is about the risk of loving.  It is about giving to another person and getting disrespect in return.  One wonders how a person could walk around with resentment and anger toward another never allowing them self to confront the issues.  Only to let the discontent towards the person explode into what can turn into hate.  The ironic thing about it all is that the person that the anger is directed at sometimes never is even aware of it.  Until some subtle incident where it is extremely obvious but yet not understood.  It is about not being able to trust enough to be honest; it is about not loving enough to tell the truth.

I will decide to put this special person that has hurt me into God’s care and hope that the decisions will be ones that will not result in the destruction of self.  I will pray that whatever resentments that are so buried very deep inside will find a way to surface and one day resolve.  Life is really a blink and nobody can waste a second of their life on such anger that destroys a lifetime of love.

I was thinking about what topic to post on this weekend and I got a call from my sister. She asked; where can I get a tankless water heater. This was fortuitous, because I had just read an article on gas tankless water heaters and the comparative costs of installing one versus a standard gas water heater. In that article the comparison was not very favorable.So, I asked my sister; why do you want to know? Well it seems she is renovating her utility room and wanted to reclaim the space in the corner occupied by her standard water heater. So I did some quick research.

My sister does not have gas service , so I investigated the available electric tankless heaters. Now a couple of things you need to think about very carefully as it regards tankless water heaters, especially electric ones, is your families lifestyle. If you have 4 teenagers and 2 working adults, it is possible you will pay more to heat the water with a tank less heater than if you have a standard water heater.

This is especially true if you live in colder climates or your water comes from a deep well. In these cases your incoming water will be colder than if you live in say Florida or Texas, so you will need to raise the water temperature more than if you did live in Florida (avg water temp. from faucet is about 70 degrees in Winter, in colder climates, water is as low as 40 degrees from the tap). Given that teenagers take longer showers, the savings just might not be there.

General physics will tell you that it takes 1000 watts to raise 4.1 gallons of water 100 degrees. Based on this, if you are importing water at 40 degrees, then it will take 10,000 watts to raise 40 gallons (typical size of standard water heater) of water to a standard storage temperature of 140 degrees. Now once it is raised, then it will start to cool, although slowly with the improved insulation in newer water heaters.

At a KWh price of 10 cents, the cost to heat that water was $ 1.00. Now compare that to an electric tankless unit producing a temperature raise of 65 degrees at 2 gallons a minute (adequate in Florida with an input temperature of 65 degrees, not adequate in New York or Maine). This particular unit is rated at 14KW. That means that while it is heating, it is going to burn 14,000 watts of electricity per hour. That same 40 gallons will take 26 minutes to heat and cost about 60 cents to heat. Seems like a big savings right.

Well not exactly. You see, when your standard tank is full it reduces the energy needed to heat the incoming water as the incoming water will absorb some of the heat from the already hot water somewhat reducing the input to raise the temperature of the water. In a tankless there is no stored hot water so the electricity required to heat the water is expended on a direct ratio. In testing the range of saving comparing tankless to standard water heaters has fallen in the range of 10-40 percent (the higher ranges being on gas fired devices).

So the next consideration is installed cost. In the regard you will spend about $ 1,200.00 labor and device to install an electric tankless heater, providing you have enough capacity in your electric panel. Assuming so, we compare this cost to an approximate installed cost of $ 600.00 for a standard electric water heater. Additionally, expected savings are thus according to government research:

For homes that use 41 gallons or less of hot water daily, demand water heaters can be between 24% and 34% more energy efficient than conventional storage tank water heaters. They can be between 8% and 14% more energy efficient for homes that use a lot of hot water;around 86 gallons per day. You can achieve even greater energy savings of 27% and 50% if you install a demand water heater at each hot water outlet.

Source:http://www.eere.energy.gov/consumer/your_home/water_heating/index.cfm/mytopic=12820

So lets analyze this. If you have 4 teenagers in the house, you probably use more like 120 gallons of hot water per day, so your savings will disappear unless you can afford to install 3 uits (cost about $ 3,600.00) to cover both bathrooms and the kitchen and clothes washing. Even then your savings will be between 27% and 50% of your cost of heating water.

Government figures now say the average elctric bill allocates about 13 percent to heat water, so if your monthly bill is about $ 100.00 your savings might be 3-6.00 per month. Additionally, taking a shower and washing the dishes or clothes at the same time will probably stretch the capabilities of the electric tankless heater that I am using in the example, so you will need a bigger one or another one and a bigger electric service unit so your installed cost will increase dramatically. So the saving just are not there.

If on the other hand, there are just 2 of you and your lifestyle is easily adjusted to accommodate the demand between showers, dish washing and clothes washing, then you might achieve some savings by installing the tankless heater. At this point, given the numbers, I could not see any justification in my family. There is one other factor to consider, tankless heaters have a life expectancy of 14-18 years a standard water heater will last 6-12 years depending on the hardness of the water and the maintenance performed on it.So I had to tell my sister the facts that the tankless will cost more to install, will save them a very minimal amount on operating costs, but that it would save her the 7 square foot of space or so that the current water heater takes up in the utility room. In the end she will have to decide if it is worth it.

Oedipus, King of Thebes, unknowingly married his own mother and became the father of four children, two boys, Polynices and Eteocles, and two girls, Antigone and Ismene. Antigone was very devoted to her family and was quite outspoken. She respected God and followed her beliefs to obey him. She was a stubborn girl and resistant to any dictator that would contradict her beliefs. The loyalty, respect and faith Antigone showed for her family and God resulted in heartbreak and misfortune for the royal family of Thebes.

Growing up in a royal family, Antigone captured strong values and shared a blend of love and friendship with her two brothers, and sister. Upon the death of her two brothers, Antigone’s values were questioned as she faced a matter of life or death. The tragic life of Antigone begins here, but does not resonate with the reader until much later. At this point, the reader does not have a chance to form a special relationship or feelings toward the characters of Polynices and Eteocles, as little is known about each of the boys. The feelings that are represented by Antigone begin to form the tragedy.

Antigone learns of the ruling made by her Uncle Creon, King of Thebes, to leave the body of Polynices where it lies. The King of Thebes rules that Polynices does not deserve a burial. Antigone’s strong will and resistance pursues and disregards the ruling of the King as she attends to the carcass of her brother. She displays noble traits as she progresses through life with the ideas of God, and not the rulings of a king. Ismene, knowing of her sister’s decision, disagrees with Antigone’s choice and wishes her sister well. The differences between the sisters’ characters are represented through the decision to do well by their slain brother, left for the wolves. The character of Antigone is very loyal to her family and does not waiver under the pressures of life. She is a strong, stubborn leader. Unlike her sister, Ismene is a shy girl and fears going against the rules set forth by her superiors.

Through the depths of Antigone’s sorrow and loss for her brothers, she knows what must be done. Antigone does not allow the ruling to stop her, and she will not betray her ideas of what is right. She is some-what of an activist, standing up for what she believes in, without fear. The respect for her brother and for death gives Antigone the courage to stand up to the King of Thebes without regret. “This death of mine is of no importance; but if I had left my brother lying in death unburied, I should have suffered. Now I do not.”

Even after Antigone, Creon’s son, Haimon, and the town’s people show resistance to his ruling, Creon’s stubbornness to stay true to his word causes misfortune for all of the royal family. Creon will not retract his sentencing of Antigone and destroys the relationship he once had with his son. The tragic ending is predicted with a final good-bye between Haimon and Creon. Responding to the threat of never marrying Antigone while she is alive, Haimon strikes back at his father, “Then she must die. – But her death will cause another.”

The conversation Haimon conducts with his father provides a window in to what is to come. The story of Creon’s stubbornness and inability to see the light represents the idea of karma and in a very dramatic way, teaches Creon of his ways.

Tragedy strikes the lives of the royal family when Antigone decides to take her own life rather than letting the king take it from her. She is too proud. As predicted by Haimon’s conversation with his father, Haimon lies next to Antigone and follows in her path. Learning of the news of her son, the Queen, Eurydice takes her life as well.

The pain and suffering put on Antigone when her brothers were killed was now placed on the king, two-fold. Now in the position to mourn for his loved ones, the King of Thebes has regrets of the fact that it was all an unnecessary chain of events in which he put into place. With the attitude of being above all, Creon lost everything that he cared about.

The strength that Antigone represented was a blessing, as well as a curse. She was strong and stood up for what she believed; however, it not only cost her her own life, but it also perpetrated the deaths of her fiancé and the Queen. Her actions were noble, with unfortunate effects. The story was a lesson for the king, a man who thought he knew it all, and controlled everything. He was mistaken, and for that, the tragic loss of his family occurred.

Every man, every woman on the surface of this earth, has his or her soft spot, not matter how bold, daring and courageous they are.

Indeed, this is a passionate call for you to show your milk of human kindness in you. It is not lost, it is not forgotten, for in actual fact, nothing is really lost on this earth plane.

Remember, the good, the help and the kindness we do to others, have ways of returning back to us in a thousand fold.

Truth is that the bad we also do to others will eventually come back to us, either in this present life, or the next.

Bakare Kehinde Ewumi Odunoye, 49, is an indigene of Ota, in Ogun State. South-west Nigeria.

But, she is presently down with kidney failure and she needs about N8million to go for a kidney transplant operation abroad, in order to stay alive.

This site does not allow pictures. I could have posted her pictures for the world to see.

Her elder sister told this writer on phone, Monday that when her husband, Bakare, discovered December last year, that the wife was increasing becoming weak and haggard-looking, complaining of all sorts of ailments, he complained to her elder sister.

Her words: “A decision was reached to take her to the General Hospital in Ikeja, Lagos, on January 4, 2020, where series of medical examinations conducted on her revealed by the doctors, revealed she had kidney failure and needed to carry out kidney transplant abroad”.

According to the sister, “initially when she was taken to the hospital, the husband, family members, relations and well wishers contributed N51, 000 per day, three times per week for her dialysis”.

On Monday, January 27, 2020, her sister told this writer that her sibling, who was not admitted to the hospital, but attends the hospital three times a week, pays N41,000, per day, each time she comes to the hospital.

Calculation shows that N41, 000 times three days a week translates to N123, 000 a week and N492, 000 per month.

Having exhausted their money, the family of the ailing lady is therefore appealing passionately to public spirited individuals, groups, companies and government agencies to come to the aid of Bakare Kehinde, as she was told by the doctors that she needs N8million s to travel abroad for a kidney transplant.

Here are the personal details of the ailing lady.

Name: BAKARE KEHINDE EWUMI ODUNOYE

Bank: Guaranty Trust Bank

Account No: 0558885507

Tel No: 08104372280

——————————–

Elder sister’s Tel No;

08027796076

Goebel figurines were originally manufactured in the 1800’s in Germany. After about fifty years, the company was introduced to the work of Sister Maria Innocentia Hummel. Sister Hummel had shown promise as a young artist and studied art, but ultimately pursued her religious vocation while continuing to design beautiful works of art that came to be manufactured by the Goebel Company. Ultimately, Goebel became by far best known for being the manufacturer of the MI Hummel line.

There is some confusion about the relationship between Goebel and Hummel figurines. MI Hummel figurines were manufactured by Goebel, and not the other way around. Goebel also adapted the art of many other artists into its figurines. This confusion is compounded by the relatively recent demise of the Goebel company, and the sale of its assets and trademarks to another company. Manufacturing continues, and there is even confusion about whether alleged Goebel figurines manufactured in places like Thailand are authentic.

Goebel employed a number of trademarks on its works which were produced on the bottom of each. Those items created by its master sculptors also bear their names. Sister MI Hummel signed those items derived from her work until her untimely death at an early age. Goebel trademarks can be found easily on the internet, and there are collectors groups dedicated to not only the widely popular Hummels, but also to the broader genre of Goebels.

Hummel figurines are always in great demand. They may be the most sought after type of figurines in the world. If you look up sales of Hummel figurines at on-line auction sites, you will see that they routinely trade in the thousands of dollars. The market for Goebel figurines of other styles are not so expensive, and are within the financial means of a much broader range of devotees.

People go about building their collections of these figurines in different ways. Some people are interested in only acquiring the figures that have already built up value. This would include older, hard to find figures as well as recently retired pieces. Others prefer to build their collection for future value and purchase more modern designs at a relatively low price.

If you intend to become a collector of these items, it would be very wise to familiarize yourself with their markings. There are collectors groups to be found on the internet who produce newsletters and a great deal of information about the items and the marketplace.

Ovarian Cancer: Process and Survival

Post Surgery

Read Part I for information regarding diagnosis and surgery…

The next few weeks after my discharge from the hospital, were very busy. My sister, Nance, and my mom decorated the house and Christmas tree. My sister Lauren visited from Washington and cleaned, cooked and lent invaluable support to all of us. There were visits to the surgeon for follow-up and the oncologist for the initial visit. John and my sisters accompanied me. It was so very helpful to have someone else ask questions and write down information. It can be an overwhelming experience, especially when you’re a little “spaced out” on vicodin for pain management, as I was. I signed on to be part of a clinical study using different combinations of medications for eight instead of the normal six cycles. Laurie had brought a book with her that offered a lot of information on how to deal with an ovarian cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments. One suggestion was to research clinical studies. There is a great deal of “cutting edge” research out there but you may have to hunt for it, do your homework, and bring the information to your doctor. My oncologist’s office was conducting a trial, I was accepted, and I was scheduled to begin treatment on December 21.

Even though I was dreading the whole process, I knew I had to approach it in much the same way I did the surgery, almost like an athletic event or a race. I wanted to go in as strong and as prepared as possible and with a better “attitude.”

Attitude is defined as a manner of acting, feeling or thinking that shows one’s disposition, opinion and mental set. We may not be able to control a situation, but we can choose our attitude about that situation- victim or fighter; passive or aggressive; depressed or striving toward joy and happiness; caught in the “why me’s” or searching for the “what can I learn from this.” With the help of many people and through much reading and research, my “attitude-adjustment” process unfolded.

A booklet entitled “Preparing for Chemo” suggests several things that I immediately put into action.

1) Get your hair cut short so that when your hair starts falling out, it’s less traumatic and won’t clog the shower’s drain. (This worked for the drains but I was still traumatized.)

2) If you plan to wear a wig, shop for it before starting chemo. My sisters and my dear friend and hairdresser Patty, helped with both of these steps. Watching my long hair fall to the floor was very hard and yet made me feel the tiniest bit more in control of what was happening to me. To my surprise, everyone loved my new hairdo. The compliments boosted my ego when I really needed it. Nance and Laurie accompanied me to the wig shop. Laughter is very good medicine-and we laughed a lot as we all played with the wigs before settling on two very nice ones. Four hundred dollars later I was armed with my hair prosthetics and a sore belly from laughing. At this writing, I am sporting my own very short hair after nine months of wigs and hats.

3) The booklet suggests having a dental check up and cleaning before starting chemo. Also important is giving your home a thorough cleaning and perhaps scheduling someone to come in once a week thereafter- a clean house can minimize exposure to infectious agents.

4) Building up strength through exercise and a good diet can help minimize some of the side effects of chemo. This booklet and other helpful literature, is available through oncology offices and offers good practical information. I also found the library and the internet to be good resources.

Shortly after my homecoming, from the hospital, I received a telephone call from Lindy, a volunteer with the Cancer Society (set up by my husband and the cancer support staff at the hospital.) She had been diagnosed and treated for Stage IIIc ovarian cancer seven years ago. Hearing from her gave me a real boost and some good tips for dealing with the upcoming chemo. She shared her experiences with surgery, hair loss and complete recovery! She is still cancer free! In addition to advice on make-up to camouflage the fact that one has no eyebrows or eyelashes, she told me how helpful acupuncture was for her. She felt that it really minimized some of the chemo side-effects and “rebalanced” her body’s energy. I had had a few sessions of acupuncture many years ago, and I immediately knew that this would be right for me. I believe in its efficacy and definitely feel the sessions have been very beneficial.

My first acupuncture session was four days after the first chemo treatment. The meds they gave me to prevent nausea worked very well. I didn’t have much of an appetite and felt a little achy and tired but the only real side effect I experienced was a terrible, hand-wringing itching and tingling in my hands and feet. Amy, my acupuncturist, has worked with several people undergoing chemo, is very knowledgeable, and had a good treatment plan in place for me. I scheduled to see her 2 days before and 4 days after every chemo session. After my first visit with her, I did feel better, more energized and the itching had definitely dissipated a good deal. She gave me some suggestions on supplements and some Chinese herbs to use.

The side effect of itching, burning and tingling is called neuropathy and is fairly common with the types of chemo protocol I was on. After my second and third sessions, the symptoms worsened! I turned to the internet to learn more about neuropathy and what, if anything, I could do about it. I found an article by Cindy H. Makencon, website: http://www.ovarian-news.org, entitled “coping-Tips for dealing with neuropathy.” She offered a great deal of helpful information including reports of studies on the benefits of taking fairly large doses of L-Glutamine Sulfate and Chondroitin. I forwarded this information onto Carolyn, the research nurse in charge of my clinical study, and she shared the information with the oncologist. I had already started taking L-Glutamine when I met with him. He had further researched and developed a new treatment plan for me which included large doses of L-Glutamine, a change in one of the chemo meds, and the addition of a medication called neurontin. The combination of all these things worked! The neuropathy gradually subsided and I’ve had no further problems.

I believe a few other factors contributed to my being able to handle the chemo pretty well. I continued to increase my exercise regimen, progressing to walking everyday and then back to the gym for step-classes, albeit modified, and lifting light weights. Exercise builds muscle strength, increases oxygen and blood flow and for me, was and is a real physical and mental energy boost.

I came across a book entitled: “Herbal Therapy & Supplements- a Scientific and Traditional Approach” written by Merrily A. Kuhn, RN, Ph.D. and David Winston, a herbalist and ethnobiologist. The book was part of an at-home study course that I needed to complete for my RN Continuing Education Credits. The book offers a comprehensive guide to many common and some less common herbs and supplements, their uses, adverse effects, contraindications, and drug-herb interactions. After careful research, I started using several herbs and supplements designed to minimize chemo side effects and boost my immune system. I was careful to use things that do not stimulate estrogen in the body as my cancer was estrogen-receptor positive. I started taking these supplements one or two things at a time in smaller doses in order to monitor any unfavorable reactions, before adding more. Most importantly, I notified my doctor that I was taking supplements and having acupuncture.

At the end of this article, I will offer a complete list of the supplements and herbs that I have been using and some information regarding the rationale for each of these additions.

For several months, our kitchen counter resembled a drug and supplement store. I had to write up a daily schedule of what to take when. It was worth it! Once the neuropathy was under control, I tolerated the remainder of the chemo treatments pretty well. I was able to work full time and exercise, and my appetite and energy levels were good. Physically, acupuncture, exercise, diet, and supplements were, and still are, valuable tools which helped me deal with the chemo and recover from its serious effects.

On another level, the emotional and spiritual aids were an even more powerful part of the healing process. Previously, I mentioned my visualizations regarding pre and post operative healing and seeing myself healthy and cancer free. Now, it was time to take it a step further and include it as a powerful adjunct to the chemo medications. Rather than seeing the meds as a poison, I started to visualize it as “nectar from the gods,” washing through me and being taken up by my immune cells as a potion to destroy cancer cells. A few weeks before my first treatment, I read an article about a young local girl who had battled cancer at age 16. She wrote a book about her experience and included her thoughts on seeing her chemo as “nectar from the gods.” I admired her outlook and incorporated it into my work. My husband, John, created a special tape for me to listen to while receiving the infusion of chemo. This guided exercise included relaxation, healing messages, and suggestions for picturing my immune cells taking care of things and using the chemo effectively. Before each chemo session, even before they started the IV, he would do a relaxation exercise with me. This ritual became a very important part of the process. By working on my “attitude” towards the chemo and by connecting with these parts of myself that can be powerful self-healers, I felt I was taking back control of what was happening. Feeling that you are part of the healing process instead of a passive receiver of medications etc., is very empowering.

Rituals and routines are very comforting, especially when you’re experiencing stressful times. My “chemo ritual” evolved from the very first session. The night before, I meditated and did my healing visualizations at bedtime. John drove me to the oncology center. I selected my chair and we settled in with his relaxation exercise. My sister, Nance, arrived bearing muffins and silly magazines. After visiting and chatting, John left for work and Nance and I munched muffins and laughed at the National Enquirer stories. About an hour before the infusion was completed, my brother, Tom, would arrive for a visit and to take me home. Somewhere in the session, my sister, Laurie, would call from Washington to check in and often John would “pop in” in his travels. I always had company and felt lovingly supported. Sabrina included me in her meditation every morning and my mom would stop by the day after the session for tea and a chat. Every three weeks from December 21 through May 27, we followed this routine. The nurses and my family got to know one another and we became a real team!

Returning to work seven weeks after surgery was another normalizing routine that made me feel like I was taking back my life. Except for the day of chemo and the following day, I have worked full time, feeling productive, healthy and normal. My co-workers have been very supportive and caring. They even threw me a graduation party to celebrate the completion of chemo.

Even before my last chemo, I was researching what to do to prevent a recurrence of the disease. I found information on a clinical study for Ovarex, a vaccine designed to prevent a recurrence of ovarian cancer. After many phone calls, letters and haggling with my insurance company, I was accepted into a study being conducted at Stanford’s Cancer Center in Palo Alto. It involved monthly infusions for the first three months and then every twelve weeks for the rest of the year, with routine labs and CT scans. I have experienced only mild side effects and feel fortunate to have access to one more tool.

This past year has been one of lessons for me. I would have preferred the “universe” had given me a gentle tap on the shoulder instead of this Giant Thump on the head to let me know I had things to learn about myself and how “I am” in the world. Here are some of the things I have learned from this experience:

1. Pay attention – perhaps if I had agitated more forcefully with my doctor that something was NOT right, she would have responded with more attention. LISTEN to your body and trust your intuition.

2. Don’t take anything for granted – people, job, health, hair. When you face the loss of these things, you realize how special people are, how the day-to-day routine of a job is a gift, how precious good health is and even how much better a “bad hair” day is than NO HAIR!

3. There are a great many sources of invaluable information out there through people, libraries and the internet. Taking advantage of these resources allowed me to create a comprehensive plan to restore my health and fight the disease using a combination of Western and alternative therapies.

4. We do have choices in how we deal with a crisis – probably the best choice for me was to reach out and ask for help. The more people I told about my health issues, the more positive energy came my way. I felt empowered rather than vulnerable and armed with my helmet (a wig, which, by the way, I got complements on) and my armor (acupuncture, supplements, chemo, prayers and visualization) I was ready to do battle. I was “Warrior Princess” instead of cancer patient.

5. Laughter is GOOD MEDICINE!

At this writing, my labs and CT scans are completely normal. I am back to my normal routines of work and exercise. I am sporting a “Jamie Lee Curtis” hairdo. I am excited about decorating and shopping for Thanksgiving and when we all come together, we’ll have a lot to be thankful for! Before we dig into our feast, I will be asking each person to write on a piece of paper, one thing that they are grateful for. Each of us will then withdraw one of these papers from the basket and try to guess who wrote the message. It will be easy to guess mine. I am grateful for all the love and support from my family and friends (with a special thanks to my son, Matt, and my husband for shaving their heads to support me and to my son, Mike, and his band for dedicating songs to me at concerts and their fund raising for the Cancer Society.) I am grateful for the prayers and best wishes that came my way from people I do not even know. I thank you!!! Well, of course, that’s more than one thing on my piece of paper but so what! It’s time to celebrate!

Happy Thanksgiving 2004 and celebrate every day of your life.

Barbara’s Complete Ovarian Cancer Fighting Supplement List:

Three Imperial Mushroom Capsules – available through acupuncture office

A) Reishi- Immuno stimulant: enhances immune system; use is sanctioned by the Japanese Health Ministry as an adjunct treatment for cancer; Increases activity of chemotheraputic agents and reduces adverse effects such as nausea, decreased white blood cell counts; helps protect the liver against damage caused by viral, drug and environmental toxins.

B) Shitaki- strengthens immune system response; improves survival times of cancer patients when used concurrently with chemo.

C) Maitake- best known for cancer fighting properties; many doctors in Japan use it to lower blood pressure and blood lipids; effective as an anti-tumor agent and immune system modulator.

Echinacia- used in Germany along with chemo in the treatment of cancer. May enhance white blood cell counts in persons undergoing chemo.

Cat’s Claw- reduces side effects of chemo; used in clinical practice in Europe for cancer & HIV; has important immune enhancing properties; helps increase the number of T-cells, the true soldiers of the immune system. In Austria, it is used together with conventional treatment (chemo, radiation &/or surgery) to treat hundreds of cancer patients per year.

Graviola- scientists have been studying this herb since the 1940’s – four studies were published in 1998 re: significant anti-tumor properties and selective toxicity against various types of cancer cells (without harming healthy cells; Purdue University has conducted a great deal of research on the Annonaceous acetogenins family to which graviola belongs) much of which has been funded by the National Cancer Institute or the National Institute of Health.

Acidophyllis- rebalances intestinal flora (especially important when you’re taking a lot of medications.)

Multivitamins with Vitamin E

Calcium Supplement

IP-6 with Insositol- has been studied extensively for over 20 years; has powerful effects on the immune system.

Wheat Grass Juice- increases hemoglobin; rebuilds the blood; improves body’s ability to heal wounds; washes drug deposits from the body; neutralizes toxins and carcinogens in the body.

Green and White Tea- Chinese believe green tea is a cure for cancer and a longevity tonic; boosts immune system function; research being done all over the world and in the US by the National Cancer Institute re: anti-tumor activity. Both green and white tea are excellent antioxidants.

Website for researching herbs- Plant Database Raintree Nutrition

I used the guided relaxations/visualizations CD’s from the Stress Education Center-Dstress.com

1. #209 Stress Management for Pre and Post-op Survival

2. #208 Stress Management for Healing

Reference:

Health Update from SELF Magazine by Jennifer Nelson November, 2004

Ovarian cancer: a not-so-silent killer

“Early diagnosis is crucial. When disease is caught before it spreads, 80 percent of women will survive.”

by Barbara Ehlers-Mason, RN and L. John Mason, Ph.D.

Written in November, 2004, one year after the Surgery for Ovarian Cancer, in November, 2003

Stress Education Center (707) 795-2228 website: http://www.dstress.com

If there’s one discipline method that’s sure to inspire heated debate, it’s spanking. Indeed, a “spare the rod, spoil the child” mentality seems to be making a comeback. I’ve heard some of the parents who participate in my workshops say there’s nothing wrong with an occasional spanking to “teach kids respect.” I believe spanking is rarely, if ever, an effective alternative.

There are the four common rationales I hear to justify hitting or spanking.

1. “I Spank So That My Child Knows What It Feels Like”

Four-year-old Martin was placing the final block on his castle when his baby sister knocked it over. Martin was furious at her for ruining his creation, so he hit her. Their mother, Joan, was equally furious at her son. As she spanked Martin, she said, “This will teach you not to hit your little sister! Now you know how it feels!”

It’s unlikely that Martin felt apologetic after he was spanked. And he certainly was not motivated to get along better with his sister. By spanking Martin, Joan was modeling the very behavior she was trying to prevent, sending him the message “when you’re mad, hit!” Especially if you’re bigger.

A more effective solution would be to firmly state, “Hitting is not allowed in this house. I don’t blame you for being mad, but I won’t let you hurt her.” Joan also might suggest that next time she’ll help Martin set up a work area that is out of his sister’s reach.

2. “Sometimes I Just Lose It”

It’s a rare parent who doesn’t lose control on occasion. Many parents, when they’re being totally honest, admit that spanking doesn’t usually occur in calm, rational moments. But we must make a real effort to handle our anger in other ways.

When you’re really enraged, you are at risk of saying or doing something you’d never do if you were feeling rational. That’s why it’s best to leave the scene until you can regain some self-control. Chances are, once you’ve had some time to cool down, you won’t feel so inclined to inflict pain.

3. “I Only Spank to Reinforce Safety Lessons” Even parents who don’t generally spank say that there are exceptions, especially when the issue is safety. Sandra, for example, described how she spanked her seven-year-old daughter, Sue, when she ran into the middle of the street to chase a ball This was a serious offense and I wanted her to know it. Spanking was the only way to impress upon her before she must look both ways before crossing.”

But two weeks later, Sandra was telling a different story: “I thought Sue got my message after I spanked her. But a few days ago, I let her walk to her friend’s house across the street by herself. As I watched her from our window, I saw that again she didn’t look before crossing.”

I suggested that a better approach might be to rehearse each step with Sue: look right, then left, check the right again, and glance around the corner. In the meantime, Sue should not be allowed to cross any street unsupervised until she proves she knows how to be careful.

4. “I Spank So That My Kids Will Know I Mean Business”

I’ve frequently heard parents express concern that if they don’t occasionally spank, their kids will turn out to be wild or spoiled. They argue that they themselves were spanked as children, and they turned out OK. But being a non-spanker doesn’t mean being overly permissive. In fact, spanking is the easy way out–for parents and child alike. Hitting a child lets parents release their anger and feel as though they’ve addressed the problem. However, when a child is spanked, he tends to feel let off the hook. (“I’ve been punished so I don’t have to think about it anymore.”) He doesn’t learn what to do instead, nor does it help him develop a conscience that makes him feel bad about doing the wrong thing. Kids quickly figure out that the best way to avoid getting hit is to make sure they don’t get caught.

As all of these examples have shown, inflicting pain by hitting, slapping, and spanking does not teach children to look for nonviolent solutions to their problems. What really influences children to be responsible and considerate, and to develop a conscience is the strong bond they establish with their parents. This bond should be one of love and trust, not one of anger and pain.

The scars of his experience selling newspapers at Oshodi can be shown in deep weals and scars across Ayomah’s arms and legs. The mental scars simmers behind a face which seldom smiles without the soothing encouragement from his wife. He does remembers clearly what his Mama said to him before his departure to Nigeria.

“Ayoma, you are the youngest of my three children, your other two half-sisters have all left with their foreign fathers… you are my only hope.” Putting her right hand over Ayomah’s right shoulder and holding the stick with her left hand in order to keep her balance, she continued, “I do understand that poverty is not an abstract, it has been the daily life of you and me… and it kills, It’s true that money hassles us all the time, partly because we sometimes fail to distinguish clearly the difference between wants and needs.”

She sighed for a moment and continued, “My son, we may desire some things in life, may want them badly, but do not truly need them. A fuzzy line between wants and needs may lead us into taking unnecessary risks.” As she toiled to ease the pain in her left leg that has just been operated upon, she said, “Ayoma, as a young man so anxious about a future decided by money, I wouldn’t discourage you from leaving home in order to seek for greener pastures elsewhere, you do have my blessings where ever you decide to go.” “Do send my regards to your half-sister Cecelia”

Ayomah wondered why his Mama asked him to send her regards to Cecelia when she was far away in Taiwan. He was only leaving for Nigeria – half-sister country that shares both cultural and linguistic affinity with his country, Ghana. Why didn’t his Mama ask him to send her regards to his other half-sister Patricia, who was in England? It was to take him another 10 years to come to terms with his Mama’s parting words.

She was saying this at a time when legions of unskilled workers across the globe faced barriers to migration – as destination countries tightened their borders and toughened their talk. Did Ayomah’s Mama wrongly assume Cecelia was in Nigeria? Were they not together at the Ghana’s Kotoka International Airport in Accra a couple of months ago to see Cecelia and her Chinese father depart to Taiwan via Amsterdam?

Or was it just that old age and infirmity had finally taken its toll on Ayomah’s Mama? There were no easy answers.

I grew up in a home with both parents having a heritage rooted in black America. My father was born in Mississippi to parents who operated a farm their entire lives. He had 2 sisters and a brother. Once he was grown he moved to Illinois, took a job, married and raised a family.

My mother was born in Louisiana to a father who was of direct African descent and a mother who was of direct native Indian. They moved to California and made a home having just one daughter and many sons. Her brothers ended up joining the military and made a career serving and protecting our country.

As a child we never had a lot of money but my family still managed to purchase a home, my father always keep a nice car and he worked every day to support his family. I learned from my father the importance of a great work ethic, the importance of taking care of your family and how to navigate being black in America. We would see how his white bosses spoke down to him in front of others and how when the police pulled us over for any reason we ended up in police stations having to explain why we were in our car for any reason. I use to think everyone was treated this badly but as I grew up I saw that it was really limited to people who were “non white.” I was an outspoken child and many times my father would silence me and say “you cannot just say what you think when you are dealing with white people. Many believe a black man has no voice and should not be heard.”

My mother was a loving and protective woman. She didn’t work outside of the home but took care of it and her children. There was a time when we were in grammar school my classroom was going to the bathroom and my sisters class was already in the hall getting ready to return to class. I saw my sister and her friends just talking and being girls when the principal Mrs Brown, a white woman, came down the hall, told the girls to stop talking in the hall and proceed to grab my sisters by the ear and pull her out of line to tell her to be quiet. As the younger brother I wanted to say something because I watched my sister cry from being handled so roughly. When we went home I told her to tell my mother but she didn’t want to. So I did. My mother was in the Principals office the next day and after she had spoken to the teacher about the incident (which many children and staff witnessed) she went into the Principals office and let her know that under no circumstances was she ever to put her hands on my sister again. The principal was surprised to see my mother speak to her as she did but my mother was not afraid to speak up when it came to protecting her children.

Growing up black in America means you have many memories of being treated unequally when compared to other white children. It means a society was always trying to show you your “place in the world.” Racial slurs, remarks that insult your intelligence and people trying to make you feel inferior to them was a commonplace occurrence.

I am glad some things have changed and gotten better for black people here. I am sad we still have such a long way to go. God never made an inferior race; people just get stuck on wanting to feel superior to someone.